Chapter Six
COCO
Miggy. Miggy. Miggy. Si Miggy na magaling. Si Miggy na ang matalino. To my Dad, he was the perfect son. My older brother had always been his favorite. I had felt it since I was a kid. Iba ang trato niya sa akin at kay Miggy. I didn't know if my sisters noticed it but they were both girls. Walang competition sa kanila pagdating kay kuya Miggy. Kuya Miggy and I were both boys so I felt the silent rivalry more.
I love my brother but I envied him. Everytime I get compared with him, I always feel like a total turd. Dad always bragged about kuya Miggy graduating as a valedictorian in highschool and he had alot of honors as he had been active with school activies. Mapa-sport at academics. In college, he graduated as summa cum laude. He was the jack of all trades and he fucking mastered it all. I knew I could never compete.
He was taking his master's degree in Harvard. Mom and Dad makes it to a point to always see him in flesh every month. It was either they travel to Massachusetts or kuya Miggy flies back here. Of course, they couldn't bare not seeing their favorite son. Since kuya Miggy wasn't too busy with school, he was staying with us for the weekend.
"Coco, are you listening?" Dad asked.
"What?" I asked, swirling the peas on my plate with my fork.
"You're a very smart kid, Coco. You just don't know how to listen." Dad sighed. "I want you to finish college with honor so you can get to Harvard, just like your kuya and I."
"Dream on." I snorted.
"It's not impossible, Coco. You just don't push yourself hard enough." Kuya Miggy said.
"I'm not you." I shrugged. "Did you two ever consider that maybe I don't want to follow the same path? Maybe I don't want to be a businessman."
Mama put her warm motherly hand on top of mine. "Coco, kung anuman ang gusto mong i-pursue, yun ang gawin mo. You don't have to be like your Dad or your Kuya. We'll support whatever you want to be."
"Thanks, Ma." I finally smiled.
She smiled back at me. At least, Mama understood. I wasn't as smart as Dad and Kuya Miggy. I wasn't like them at all. I was just... me. I silently stood up from my seat after finishing half of my dinner. I went up my room and stared through my window. Anais' window was right across from mine and in between our windows was a tree. Kapag gusto ko siyang puntahan, lumalabas ako sa binatana ko at tumatawid papunta sa bintana niya.
Wala akong masasabi sa pagiging Kuya niya. He'd always been there for us whenever we needed him. But I hated how inadequate he always makes me feel, especially when around Dad. I'd always been the black sheep of the family, the rotten apple, the bad seed, the kid that did everything wrong.
I remembered overhearing one particular conversation Mama and Dad were having in Dad's study. Hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan iyon.
"Coco, he has a lot of angst in him. I don't like it." Dad said.
"Nick, let our son be. He's still a teenager, he'll grow out of it."
"Miggy never went through that phase. I see so much of my old self in Coco. I'm afraid he'd repeat the same mistakes I did when I was young."
"Magkaiba si Miggy at Coco, Babe. At hindi mangyayari kay Coco iyon o kahit sa sino'ng mga anak natin."
"I don't know, Cass. Ginawa ko naman ang lahat para lumaking maayos ang mga anak natin. I don't want to happen to Coco what had happened to me in the past. He's been expelled from two different schools when he was in highschool. And just recently, he got into a fight with that boy Steve in his university." He sighed.
"He's just a bit misunderstood. Anak natin siya. We raised him. We know who he really is. That's our Coco."
Dad took Mom's hand and rested his face on it, as if trying to find comfort. "Why can't he just be like Miggy?"
Kuya Miggy was everything he wanted in a son and I was the complete opposite of it. I never felt like I was good enough. It was always Miggy.
Usually, I'd go to Anais for comfort but now I had no one to turn to. She had always been my safe refuge from turmoil in my life, my go to healer when I needed healing, my bestfriend. She could make everything feel okay. I'd always felt like a defective human being but with Anais around I felt whole.
I saw her going into her room. I wanted to slip out of my window and go to her but I fought the urge. Instead, I just stared at her. Watching her every move. She lifted her gaze up and our eyes met. There was a cold, dead look in her eyes as if life had been sucked out of them. She went to her window and pulled down her blinds.
ANAIS
I already miss him. That jerk. Ayaw ko man aminin miss na miss ko na siya. Sometimes I find myself reaching for my phone because I wanted to tell him about my day or I wanted to say goodnight. It was a habit that wasn't easy to get rid of. As soon as I realize what I'm doing, I immediately put my phone down. Sanay na akong palaging nandyan si Coco sa tabi ko. Sanay akong siya ang lagi kong kausap. We'd been together since we were little.
"I'm so excited for the ball!" Therese squealed as we walked down to the library. I started hanging out with Audrey and her friends when Coco and I started ignoring each other. I still see him all the time, we were all just a small circle of friends. We just pretend that we were invisible to each other. Yun yung mas masakit. Nakikita ko siya pero parang hindi na namin kilala ang isa't-isa.
"Anais." Audrey nudged me a little, pulling me away from my thoughts.
"Huh?"
"Wala ka bang date sa ball?" Tanong ni Maddie.
"Wala pa." I said.
"Last year you went together with Coco, right?" Therese asked.
"Yeah, but that's just because his date couldn't come." I rolled my eyes in annoyance. I didn't even realize until now that I had always been a second option to him. I felt a pinch in my heart. That's how it had always been. Kapag kailangan niya ako, palagi akong nandito.
"Hanggang ngayon ba hindi pa din kayo nagpapansinan?" Audrey sighed.
"No..."
"Ano na naman ba ang pinag-awayan niyo ni Coco?" Therese asked.
"I'd rather not talk about it." I shrugged.
"Come on, tell us. What did he do to you?" There was a worried tone in Audrey's voice.
"Nothing." I shook my head.
"Do you want me to talk to him?" Audrey asked.
"Please, you don't have to. Kung may hindi man kami pagkakaintindihan, kami na ang bahalang umayos dun."
"Okay! Just tell me if that twin of mine needs a good beating." She shook her head.
"Hey, Anais." Lumapit sa akin si Steve. Steve and I were on the getting to know each other stage. I mean, we'd been friends since I joined the theatre club but it was a different getting to know him now. He was letting me get to know him even more. I was seeing him in a different light than I did before. He was sweet and sensitive and caring.
"Hi, Steve!" My face immediately lightened up when I saw him. The girls looked at me with huge smiles on their faces.
"Pwede bang sumama ka sa akin?" Tanong niya sa akin.
"Saan tayo pupunta?" My brows furrowed.
"I want to show you something." He held his hand out to me. "Please, Ana? Pagbigyan mo naman ako."
"Go!" Audrey urged.
I took Steve's hand and he lead me to the middle of the quadrangle garden. A huge banner rolled down from the third floor.
'Anais, can you be my date for the ball?' Those were the words written on the paper. People got curious and started crowding around, wondering what this was all about. I looked at Steve and smiled and giggled a little. Butterflies were going wild in my stomach. Never in my dreams had I ever thought of someone doing this for me.
"So, what's your answer?" He asked.
"Yes..." I answered with shaky voice.
"Everyone! She said yes! Wooo!" He pumped his fist into the air. He was acting like he had won the lottery. This was all I wanted, to mean something to someone. At least with Steve, I was his priority. I was the only woman he sees. I wasn't treated like I was an option.
Steve made me feel like I was the center of his world. I felt important to him.
COCO
I stood there, watching them together. My hands clenched into fists when I saw Steve hug Anais. That desperate dick. May pa-ganyan ganyan pa siya. Only desperate guys ask women in public if they want to be his date. Of course, it would almost guarantee a 'yes'. He was putting Anais on the spot! There's a difference between romance and pressure. It was obvious, she was just pressured into saying yes.
"Hey, what are you doing there?" Lumingon sa akin si Tate. Yvo and him were already a few feet ahead of me. "Huwag mo sabihin gusto mo pang panoorin yan?"
I shook my head and jogged to where they were, catching up to them.
"Group yourselves into twos." Said our professor. Everyone got up from their seats and found their partners. My eyes immediately turned to where Anais sat. Everybody had their pair except the two of us. It had always been her and I, everybody knew that.
"Mr. Cordova, Ms. Lavigne, did you hear what I just said?" Mrs. Duran wore her usual frown.
"Can I just do it alone?" Anais asked.
"Ang sabi by twos." The old lady said in a firm manner. "Mr. Cordova doesn't have a partner. Kayong dalawa na lang."
Anais was forced to turn her head to my direction, giving me a sharp glare. Her head then snapped away from me. I sighed and got up from my seat to go to her. I sat on the empty seat next to Anais.
"Hey." I quietly said.
She took out her History book and began flipping through the pages, acting as if she were busy or I was invisible.
"We're on chapter nine." Sabi ko ng lampasan niya ang page na iyon. Padabog na ibinalik niya iyon sa chapter nine.
"I'm sorry for being an asshole." I exhaled heavily.
"It's okay. At least now I know what you really think of me." She said in a low, hard voice.
"Anais, you're my bestfriend. You've always been there for me since we were little. You and everything we do together is special to me."
"That's not what you said." She mumbled.
"I was mad that you chose that Steve over me and I didn't mean what I said."
"I did not choose him over you. There's nothing to choose between. It's different with you and Steve! Kaibigan kita at si Steve nanliligaw sa akin." And I knew from the very start, that we can be nothing more.
"Anais, I'm sorry." I exhaled. What was the point of getting angry anyway? It would make no difference. Hindi ko naman siya mapipigilan kung gusto niya si Steve. All I could do was to simply be her friend. I don't think I could go another day without us talking.
"I hate you." She said in a low voice.
"I know and I'm sorry." I lowered my eyes. "And I miss you."
Her head shot up to me from the book.
"I miss you so much. You're the only one who understands me. Ikaw lang yung naniniwala sa akin. I don't want to lose you, Anais."
"Stop..." She weakly said.
"Remember when we were kids? Noong hindi pa ako nagsasalita? Everybody gave up on me and thought I'd never talk again but you didn't."
Dad decided that we needed a bigger and more family-friendly house for our growing family. Especially now that we were going to have a new baby sister. The house next to the Lavigne's were coincidentially put up on sale. It was a mansion owned by a foreign businessman but him and his family had to go back to their country and they found no use of it anymore. We loved the place and Tito Axel and Dad loved the fact that we would be living next to each other. Tito Axel had been Dad's friend since he was young.
Anais was an annoying brat. She was fascinated with our blonde hairs because she thought it looked like her Barbie and Ken dolls' hair. She and Audrey got along well, my twin usually lets her play and do her hair. But I didn't and she'd always touch it anyway just to get a reaction from me. She wanted to hear me talk and didn't understand why I couldn't.
"Mommy, why can't Coco talk? Wala ba siyang tongue?" Tanong niya habang nag-uusap si Mama at si tita Valerie sa veranda.
"Anais!" Tita Valerie was horrified by her daughter's tactlessness. "That's not a nice thing to say!"
"What? I'm just asking." She cluelessly shrugged.
Mama just let out a chuckle and faced Anais. "It's fine. Coco used to talk but something bad had happened that made him not talk anymore. May special doctor siya na ginagamot siya para makapagsalita ulit siya."
"I think I can make him talk, Tita Cassie." She said.
"You can?" Mama smiled. "Pwede bang tulungan mo kaming makapagsalita siya?"
"Of course!" She beamed.
I had this irrational fear that if I talk Tiffany would hear me and take me. I was afraid it would happen all over again. Natatakot ako na baka mabaril ulit si Dad. It was traumatizing to see two grown men, one of them your father, shot in front of you. Even when I'm all grown up, I could still remember that event vividly. I was just a kid and I didn't know how to cope with it. My silence became my defense mechanism. I thought it would keep me safe.
Anais was a persistent little brat. She'd do silly things to make me talk. Usually it had something to do with annoying me and from then on, we developed a special bond. Naging mas malapit kami sa isa't-isa.
One time, we decided to sneak out and use my bicycle out on the street. Anais only knew how to use those bike with training wheels and I was already using grown kids bicycle. Una, paangkas-angkas lang siya sa likod ko. But then she wanted me to teach her how to ride my bike. She begged and later on, demanded. I gave in and let her ride my bike. Inalalayan ko siya habang tinuturuan ko siya. I held the end of the bike's seat so she wouldn't fall over. Mabilis naman natuto si Anais and then she wanted to do something more daring. She wanted to pedal the bike down a deep slope and I thought it wasn't a good idea. I refused to let her but she did it anyway. Hindi ko na siya napigilan ng patakbuhin niya ng mabilis ang bike.
The bike went down and she lost control of it and fell down. I ran to her and was shocked to find her on the cold ground, unconcious. I shook her hard but she still wouldn't open her eyes. You wouldn't believe how scared I was at that time. My heart was pounding out of my chest. I could literally hear it in my ears.
I ran back to our house and screamed as loud as I could.
"ANAIS! ANAIS!" I pointed out as I ran to my mother.
Mama dropped the mug she was holding. She froze right then and there, her mouth and eyes wide open.
"Anais..." I began to cry.
"Coco, I... oh my god!" It looked like she was about to cry too. "What happened, honey? Tell me..."
"Anais, she fell." I sobbed and pointed outside.
"Oh God! Okay, okay! We'll go to Anais!" Nagmamadaling sumama sa akin si Mama. I pulled her to the place where I left Anais. Bago pa kami makapunta doon ay nakasalubong namin siya. She looked fine as if nothing had happened. She was even walking while pushing my back next to her.
"Gotcha!" She laughed. "Akala mo I was dead, no?"
Tumakbo ako sa kanya at niyakap ko siya. I hugged her so tight I nearly suffocated her. I buried my face into her hair and began crying like I had never had before. I felt relief wash over me.
"Anais..." I whispered.
She took in a deep inhale and looked at me. "Coco, did you... did you just talk?"
"Tita Cassie, he talked! I heard him talk!" Sabi niya kay Mama.
Mama wiped the tears in the corners of her eyes and nodded her head.
"I knew you'd talk again!" Anais' voice cracked as she looked at me with misty eyes.
Anais' eyes lowered, the corners of her lips tilted downwards. "You hurt me, Coco."
You did too. "I'm sorry. I was upset. I didn't know what I was saying."
"No, it's not even about what you said anymore. I'm just an option to you. Kapag wala kang makasama, sa akin ka pumupunta. Kapag wala kang girlfriend, sa akin ang atensyon mo. Kapag wala kang date, ako pwede na. It's always been like that, Coco."
"That's not true!"
"Ano'ng not true? Remember last year, you took me to the ball only because your date got sick!" She said.
I exhaled. "I lied, okay? She didn't get sick. Gusto ko kasing ikaw ang kasama ko."
"Stop lying, Coco," She looked at me with a frown, her eyes watering. "You don't have to make up excuses. Alam ko naman kung ano lang ako sa'yo."
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