Do what you gotta do
———Bryce
It took me more than half a decade to realize what I was always without after all that time, after years, seven—to be exact. Ever since I have existed on this planet, I have been unintentionally missing out on a wonder that has constantly been right in front of me. Until one day, I found myself getting lost in those striking golden brown—almost like the golden sunset that shines through my window every evening, the crystal-thimble eyes of Juli Baker that I had always avoided.
Man, at first I tried so hard to deny the truth. I even pinched myself at least three times on the cheeks, which made it turned entirely red. I just couldn't. I couldn't stop looking her way, or looking for her; and Juli somehow managed to be in the back of my head really often. But only recently it feels different from before. I don't hate her anymore. Instead there was this rumbling feeling kept growing inside of me.
And it hasn't stopped since.
Nothing ever makes me high as a kite like that before, really. Everything happened so fast that I suddenly didn't know what to do with my life. I was clueless.
As I fought against my own battle, by hook or by crook, my grandfather stepped in and decided to help me out. He knew what was going on. Oh boy, let me tell you, that man knows everything. Then one day he finally knocked some sense into me. Remember that night? The night before I went to see Garrett—you know, the one who's supposed to be my best friend—to ask for advice about Juli. Yes, and that night when we were out for a walk, my grandfather told me:
"Some of us get dipped in flat, some in satin, some in gloss; but every once in a while, you find someone who's iridescent, and once you do, nothing will ever compare."
I didn't understand a darn thing he said then. I was too dumb to figure it out, or perhaps I got too mixed up in my head. I thought about how odd it was that grandpa suddenly cared about my life. My love life specifically.
To be honest, I didn't blame him and I didn't really have a problem with it either. I was more confused and frustrated because I didn't get a hold of anything my grandfather was ranting about.
Now, what I do know is that: old people are always that way. They'd stick their nose in every single part of your business. Sometimes they'd give you advice, sometimes they'd just leave you hanging, struggling by yourself. Well, at least now I know that my grandfather is the nosy kind.
So, I manned up. I took advice from others for the first time. And, my friend, that's when I knew I got to get over my cowardliness and take action.
I couldn't find any possible ways to talk to Juli for two days. Two days! It doesn't sound like a long time at all, but for me it felt as if I could've spent all that time to go to every single countries in Europe.
We weren't talking much during the whole process of planting the tree. Mostly because we were enjoying the silence, though I believed that there was a invisibly strong connection between me and her. I just knew that we didn't need to talk, or fighting or screaming at each other, or anything at all. If I'd be honest, that would be the only time I found myself not being awkwardly uncomfortable with being around Juli and not talking to her.
Until she looked right up at me, straight into my eyes. Oh, my goodness. I thought that my heart was going to stop beating. And it's true. My heart skipped a beat. I felt like a cat on a hot tin roof tried to make his way out of there.
Man, I was down bad. Utterly bad. The feeling was tremendously intense that I just wanted to tell her to stop looking this way, stop staring and focus on whatever we were doing. I wanted to tell her that, but my body froze. And I could not get my mouth to open to say a word.
"Bryce? Bryce, are you okay?" Juli started to worry about me a bit, "You look.. pale." She reached her hand to me and landed on my back as she said.
"Um... Juli?" I nervously watched her eyes, tried to read her emotions.
She raised her eyebrows a little and leaned towards me. It seemed like there would be a chance for me to redeem, even just a slightest tiny chance.
"I am so sorry for everything I've done to you, and I was really selfish for not thinking about how you'd feel. I know that I could never take back what I said, or undo what I did." I gave her all of my sincerity and the sorry-as-heck look, you know, the puppy sparkling eyes. "I wanna make it up to you, please?"
From the bottom of my heart, I truly needed her and wanted her back. I was so over the moon after I told her my real deep down thoughts. In a day, I was the proudest kid out there for doing all this to atone the biggest mistake in my life. It would not be ideal to have one more day of Juli being upset, and most importantly— staying mad at me.
"My dad once told me a painting is more than sum of its parts." Juli glanced at me as she spoke. "And I was pretty sure you were less than sums of your parts."
Her words cut me deeper than a knife, man. What did she mean by that? What could she possibly mean by that?! I was dying inside. I was desperate. Could it mean that she would hate me forever and I'd never be forgiven? As my thoughts were kicking in, instantly I felt a stroke to my spine. I freaked out and I couldn't breathe for a moment.
But before I could even try to say anything, Juli went on and on. "But my mom said, maybe there's more to you than just your brilliant, dazzling eyes."
Then I realized, she hasn't looked at me the way she did back in second grade since I screwed up everything. Or maybe even a long time ago before that. I had never ever in my life felt that hopeless.
But I wanted to hear what Juli had to tell me. I hurt her. And she has always been liking me all along, even when I was the worst to her.
"I was so mad when she said that. It just seemed... wrong to me. I didn't think my mom was right, for the first time in such a long time." She continued.
"But now I'm glad that I came out here." She tilted her head to the side and smiled at me. The biggest smile I've ever seen on her face since the sycamore tree was cut down, I think. It lit up my whole happy town inside of me. Aw man, that smile was everything I could ask for. Once again, my stomach was fulfilling with butterflies. And for me, that was just about enough of a big sign that said "you just gotta get used to that feeling from now on, dude."
As I got lost in that beautiful smile, Juli's voice brought me back to life from the cloud nine.
"Thanks, Bryce." Juli blushed and looked the other way. It was so clear that she was avoiding eye contact with me. A different side of Juli that I could never imagine. She's so adorable with those blushed cheeks of her. I just wanted to smooch them. I don't know how much longer I would've to resist this feeling.
"I forgive you. But you have to promise me, this will never happen again." She sticked out her pinky finger.
I wondered if she was feeling the same as I did then. My heart pounded real hard that I could barely hear anything else.
Thump thump.
I nodded resistantly that it felt like my head could fall off my neck. "I promise I would never hurt you under any forms, any kinds again."
And just like that my friend, our pinky promise was attached. I felt as if time had stopped. It seemed to me a second is longer than usual. Then I realized, a second with Juli Baker was always the same. It was me, I was only me who felt this way. And I knew for sure that I wanted a million, billion, trillion more seconds with my Juli.
I'm truly happy that finally I got to admit something I could've buried it under the ground with all of my other secrets. But what can I say?
I've changed for life. For good.
I was completely melted. For the first time in my life, I wanted to repeat my mistake. I wanted to kiss her so badly, but I stopped myself. That was only my thought. I'd rather restrain this urge than did something stupid again. Instead, I gazed at her, moving my sight slowly to her face and to the sapling that was dug under the soil. I didn't know what to say. For the most part, Juli seemed real happy. I'm pretty sure that she was thinking about something. About me, or the sycamore tree.
After we planted the sycamore tree, I felt better than ever. Relieved, contented and that feeling like you just dropped all of your burdens to the sea. I was really glad that Juli and I have been neighbors all along, which gave me the accurate ideas of what she likes and so on. I knew how much the sycamore tree meant to her, maybe more than anyone else did, and it gave me just enough courage to try to get a hold of Juli. I had to do it.
It couldn't be more obvious that I have flipped. Completely. So why shall it make anyone surprise if I said I'm perished to see her happy like when she was up in that sycamore tree on Collier Street where she spent most of her time wondering about the world out there and sightseeing the breathtaking view up there. Since the tree was gone, I knew there's one thing I gotta do. And I did it. Mission successfully completed.
You might not believe me when I said this but I've learnt my lesson. If I can't be genuine with myself and my feelings, I will never see one's deep down and get to know what they really are inside. So, I started to be more honest with myself, accepting the fact that all I could get in my head now is Juli Baker. I don't care if I'd got dragged back to second grade. I would turn back time and climb that tree with her!
I mean, look at Juli Baker; she's got the most gorgeous shiny brown hair, the way her hair fell back on her shoulder, her neat braids, even the hair band that she wears occasionally... It almost seemed like she's the only girl I've ever seen around me. How come I'd never noticed that everything about Juli is so perfect. She's one of a kind. No one could be like classic Juli Baker. No one.
But whenever I think about what I'd done to her, it still made me feel as if I'm the biggest clucked-face jerk ever. I mean, who am I to just take that beautiful smile from Juli away? I'm telling you, at some point I really did want to punch myself in the face so badly. This was probably gonna haunt me for life. But if it wasn't for everything that happened, I might've still missed Juli Baker in my life nor would I learn my lessons.
The more I let my thoughts flow through my head, the sadder I got. I wanted to tell her about my feelings. Honestly, I was deadly curious too.
When all this feelings started to take over me? Was it the eggs thing? Was it the sit-down dinner? Or was it the time Garrett crossed the line? I don't know!
It's shameful to say that all of the confidence I had before about asking Juli out was vanished. My feelings got me shocked myself when it hit me. Being alive for almost 15 years and I had never have to worry about asking a girl out. Not to brag but it was always the other way around. Of course I turned all of them down. I couldn't careless.
Man, I could guarantee you would not enjoy to be in my shoes right now. I was stuck, ultimately that left me one choice: guidance from the wise. I certainly did. Now let me tell you, I ran into my grandfather and asked for help. That was my only solution I could come up with. And guess what he did? He was just sitting there smiling and to tell me that I'm old enough to find a way to figure it out. Can you believe that?! I thought he was in my side. I thought we were cool and, and we were wolves in the same herd. Then I got sad, mad. I was angry at him, too.
Rejection was always painful and hard to get over with.
So. painful.
But I gotta tell her.
So I got a grip on myself.
I thought ahead. I talked to Juli and asked her to go on a date with me. But just you wait. It wasn't an ordinary date, it was a picnic date. How romantic can a guy be when he's in love? There probably wasn't an exactable answer for that. All I thought about was to impress Juli
Then I picked an oak tree in the park to be the location. Because, who knows, we might climb a tree together. Even though I'm a weenie when it came to climb trees.
At first, it was uncomfortably awkward. All of a sudden, we acted like we're strangers and as if we never spoke to each other. It was weird. We sat underneath the stump, lining underneath was a blanket. The temperature was perfect. The wind, the humidity, everything.
Except for me. I was nervous to death. Inside of my head, I was screaming at the top my lung that I liked her. I just gotta, you know, follow my instincts and do something. Anything.
"Look, Juli. I had been an idiot for not realizing what I have missed all this time." Finally I spoke and hand ed her a drink.
Juli looked at me confused. Barely for a second. And before I even tried to open my mouth and explain myself, she smirked and told me that she knew and this whole time she's been waiting for me to tell her that I liked her.
"You're not wrong." I admitted. "The thing is, I want you to know how I feel. I want to be somebody that could help you do yard work. Or collecting eggs. Um.. Well.. I want to be closer to you." I told her as if she didn't see through me.
"I like you." I confessed. "By like, I meant I like-like you."
There we go.
My first confession ever.
Before, Juli Baker was just someone I knew that always got on my nerves. She was just an annoying girl who tried so hard to stalk, approach me at any costs. Now, Juli Baker is someone that I want to always be in my sight, be right next to me and be with me, and someone I wouldn't want to let go. Not now, not ever.
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