Brave Hearts (Published Under Wattpad x LIB)
Kabanata 30
Kabanata 30
LIFE is precious, that was what I always believed since I was a child. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako nag-umpisang maniwala sa ganyang kasabihan, hindi ko alam kung kailan ako nag-umpisa sa ganiyang mindset.
Maybe, because my life was uncertain. Maybe because hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin ako sigurado, walang kung sino man ang sigurado na muli pa tayong magigising sa panibagong umaga.
Life is short and uncertain. It's unpredictable. That is why we have to do our best to make the best of it every day.
Pero sana ay ganoon lang kadali. Noong bata ako, I didn't think much of bullies and those people who hurt others for their own selfish gratification. Hindi ko sila hinahayaang punuin ang utak ko ng sakit noon, I just let them and did not take it to heart. Ang nasa isip ko noong bata pa lang ay maging masaya, matupad ang pangarap, maging doktor at matulungan ang nanay, pero noong lumaki at tumanda ay marami nang dumagdag sa isipan ko.
As I grew older, I realized I shouldn't just be happy alone. Naisip kong habang lumalaki ay mahalaga rin ang kasiyahan ng mga taong mahal ko. Na hindi ko na kayang maging masaya ng ako lang dahil iniisip ko na rin ang kasiyahan nila.
Ang kasiyahan ng mga kaibigan ko at ni Atlas ay mahalaga sa akin. I realized as I grew older that their happiness was my happiness too.
If Atlas and I got married, would he be happy if he found out our future children might inherit the same condition from me? Would he be happy if he found out I might not be able to bear his child? Magiging masaya ba siya kapag nalamang hindi kami maaaring magkapamilya?
That thought pained me, sama-sama na ang sakit sa pagtanggi sa kanya, sakit sa kondisyon ko, sakit na may tyansang 'di ko siya mabigyan ng pamilya at sakit para sa Nanay ko at sa lahat ng nangyari sa kanya.
The familiar scent of antiseptic woke me up and unlike before, the smell made me quite relieved.
I was still alive. Thank God. I was still alive.
I slowly opened my eyes and saw the white walls. On the side of the bed, Heart shifted her gaze at me. I was stunned.
"L-Lia!" she exclaimed and stood up.
Hindi pa man ako nakakaayos ng upo sa kama ay dumamba na siya sa akin. I gasped, mabilis siyang yumakap sa akin at nagulat na lang ako nang bigla siyang napahagulgol.
"H-Heart..." I muttered, still confused.
"Y-you woman!" she snapped. "P-pinag-aalala mo kami, Amalia!"
Mula sa gilid ay nakita ko si Josh na nakatayo rin at pinagmamasdan kami. Si Dr. Sean ay naroon sa gilid kasama ang isang pamilyar na doktor at pinagmamasdan kami ni Heart. I saw how bloodshot his eyes were, nag-aalala kaya nakagat ko ang labi at muling inilibot ang tingin.
He wasn't here...
Marahang lumayo sa akin si Heart, nang hawakan niya ang balikat ko ay nakita ko ang pamumugto ng mata niya, namumula rin ang pisngi at napapahikbi.
"Anong...anong nangyari?" I asked.
"Y-you fainted in the parking lot!" she told me.
"R-really?" I asked, remembering what happened before that. The last thing I remembered was running away and then I sat on the pavement and that's it.
"O-oo!" she sobbed. "Loka ka, mabuti at sinundan ka ni bobo! P-paano kung hindi! P-paano kung—"
"N-nasaan siya?" I asked worriedly, my heart racing.
"O-outside." Heart wiped the tears on her cheek kaya nag-alala ako sa kaibigan at mabilis na tumulong sa kanya sa pagpunas.
"S-sorry, Heart," I whispered.
"B-bakit 'di mo sinasabi sa amin ang lagay mo? We were so worried! P-paano...paano kung hindi ka nakita ni bobo?! Paano kung—" I pulled her closer for a hug when she started crying again.
She wept and it shattered me.
"S-sorry..." I stammered. "S-sorry, Heart."
"Y-you don't know h-how worried I was when I saw my cousin carrying you to the e-emergency!" She sniffed. "A-ayokong m-makikita ka nang gano'n, Lia, okay? H-hindi na dapat!"
"S-sorry," I repeated.
"Girls, you should calm down," the doctor said kaya naghiwalay kami ni Heart.
We were both sobbing kaya si Josh ay dagling lumapit para bigyan kami ng baso ng tubig.
Heart sat beside me on the bed. I closed my eyes, trying my best to breathe in and out to relax.
Nang medyo kumalma na ang pakiramdam ko ay nagmulat akong muli, Josh stepped out of the room and Heart extended the box of tissue paper. Inabot ko iyon.
"T-thank you," I whispered.
Heart nodded, mabilis siyang yumakap sa tagiliran ko habang tumatango kaya gumaan na ang pakiramdam ko at hinayaan siya.
"Lia, hija, how are you? Are feeling fine?" ani ng doktor. I nodded. "Good thing Doc Louis found you there, if not...hindi ko alam."
I nodded, naisip na naman si Atlas. He wasn't here and it pained me but what did I expect? After I rejected him? Masasaktan iyon panigurado.
I glanced at Dr. Sean and my heart tightened when our gazes clashed and I saw his bloodshot eyes. It looked like he wanted to say something but didn't have the heart to.
"I'm afraid you almost had a heart attack, hija," ani ng doktor.
I was stunned but I've already expected it might happen.
"For now, I know this is hard but I can only advise you to stay away from stress. Avoid extreme emotions such as sadness or even happiness. I've checked your heart sounds and heard murmurs and they're not good," she explained.
"I understand po," nanghihinang bulong ko. Narinig ko ang pagsinghap ni Heart sa aking tabi kaya inangat ko ang kamay ko at hinaplos ang kanyang likod.
"Did you have any recent check-ups?" she asked. I nodded. "I'll be back later, Ms. Argueles, hija. Let's talk about it, is it okay?"
"Opo," I answered.
Nagpaalam siyang aalis muna. Nagkatinginan kami ni Dr. Sean. Bumuka ang labi niya pero hindi maituloy ang kasunod kaya tumikhim at sinarado na lang ang bibig.
"Uuna muna kami, Heart...Lia." He glanced at me with his sad eyes.
Hindi nagsalita si Heart, she remained hugging me, sniffing. Tumagal pa ang tingin ni doc sa akin at akmang tatalikod pero tinawag ko.
"D-doc,"
He stilled. I could see how shocked he was that he hesitated to look back.
"Y-yes?" Narinig ko ang kaba sa kanyang boses nang lingunin ako.
"Let's talk po later," I said softly. His eyes widened. Hope filled the black hollows in them.
"R-really?" Kumislap ang pag-asa sa mata niya.
"Opo,"
"Thank you!" he breathed. "I'll be here later, Lia. Maraming salamat."
Umalis siyang may saya sa mga mata, nakagat ko naman ang labi bago bumaling kay Heart na hindi humihiwalay sa akin.
"Tahan na, Heart. Sorry," paumanhin ko, nanginginig ang boses.
"A-alalang-alala kami, Lia," she said sadly. "P-paano kapag naiwan ka roong mag-isa? P-paano kung hindi ka sinundan ni Atlas? You were lying on the ground!"
I could sense her fear and worry. Para akong dinudurog.
"I-I'm so sorry, Heart. Sorry for worrying you all,"
"H-huwag mo nang uulitin 'yon, ah?" maliit niyang sabi.
"Oo, sorry," I said softly and smiled at her.
Bumukas ang pinto, napatingin kami at nakita ko si Josh na papasok sa loob ng kwarto. My heart jumped. Kaagad akong napatingin sa kanyang likuran para tingnan kung may kasunod siya pero nahulog ang puso nang makitang wala siyang kasama.
Nahuli niya ang tingin ko sa kanyang likod nang magkatinginan kami. He smiled. He walked towards us, tumayo si Heart sa tabi ko at napangiti ako nang yakapin niya si Josh.
Josh hugged her back, slowly touching her hair, at nang magkatinginan kaming muli ay 'di na ako nakatiis.
"S-si Atlas?" I couldn't help but ask.
He sighed. "Outside."
My heart throbbed painfully, nakagat ko ang labi ko at suminghap.
"W-why?" I asked. "Is he m-mad at me?"
"Mad?" Kumunot ang noo niya. "Why would he be?"
"I..." Napalunok ako. "I rejected his proposal."
Miski si Heart ay napatigil at napatingin sa akin nang sabihin ko iyon.
"N-nag-propose sa 'yo si bobo?!" Heart almost shouted. I slowly nodded, sighing. Kitang-kita ko ang gulat sa kanilang dalawa na natulala lang sa akin.
"Yes," I said sadly, "b-but I rejected him, he's probably mad at me and I understand."
"I don't think so," ani Josh kaya natigilan ako at pinagmasdan siya. "He's mad at himself, Lia, not at you."
"Huh?" I tensed. "Bakit naman siya magagalit sa sarili niya?"
"Hindi siya pumapasok dito dahil ayaw ka raw niyang makitang nakahiga riyan sa kamang 'yan," he said. "I've been telling him you're awake but he's...I don't know, hindi na nga pinapasok ni Dr. Sean ngayong umaga sa duty iyon at walang tulog simula pa kagabi."
"W-where is he?" I asked, my heart pounding hard.
"Outside, sa garden. Nand'yan 'yan kanina sa may bench sa labas at nakaupo pero lumabas at magpapahangin lang daw," aniya.
I talked to the two about what happened last night and they understood me, ang sabi ni Josh ay hindi naman mukhang galit si Atlas pero halos ilang oras na at hindi pa rin siya pumapasok sa kwarto kung nasaan ako.
I wanted so badly to talk to him, apologize for what I did last night, and thank him for bringing me to the hospital when he saw me lying there on the ground. He could've left me after I rejected him like that but he didn't.
He came to me even if he was hurting, he came when I needed him the most.
Muli kong nakausap ang doktor tungkol sa recent check-ups at sa check-up niya sa akin ngayong araw. Like what the other doctors said, my CHD progressed and was now severe. Epekto raw marahil ng stress ito, pisikal man o emosyonal and the only thing that could save me now were surgeries, which was risky too lalo na sa estado ko at hindi raw ako healthy.
"How are you feeling?" bumaling ako kay Doc Sean na may inaayos na prutas sa gilid ko.
"Ayos lang po," I answered.
Kumuha siya ng isang basong tubig bago iniabot sa akin.
"Salamat po," I muttered and drank it. Nanatili siyang nakatayo sa gilid ko. He was waiting for me to speak.
I was very afraid and nervous about this talk but for my peace of mind. If I talk to him next time, I will only prolong the pain inside my chest. Nanghihina na 'ko, 'di ko na kaya pa na gano'n.
"Doc, can we...can we talk now?" I asked. He nodded. Kahit mahirap para sa akin ay gusto kong pakinggan ang side niya.
Naupo siya para pantayan ako. His eyes were gentle and like me, it was teary. He sighed and nodded.
"I...met Olivia when I had a medical mission in Peñablanca. That time, I was already married to Marichu," he started. "It was an arranged marriage, Lia. Our parents set us both to marry each other at wala naman akong taong gusto kaya pumayag ako."
Pinagmamasdan ko lang siya at nakita ko ang hiya at kung ano sa kanyang mukha.
"I-I am not coming up with excuses for what I did but when I saw your mother, I immediately liked her. She was like a ball of sunshine to me, Lia. She was...she made me feel something when I saw her. I fell for her kahit hindi naman kami matagal na nagkasama at nagkakilala," aniya. "We...we had a relationship."
The pain came back, hearing this from my own father. The man my mom loved too.
"She...didn't know about your wife?" I asked and I felt like it was me who was betrayed when he nodded.
"I was afraid if she found out, she'd leave me." He lowered his head. "Ang gago lang, Lia, pero duwag talaga ako."
"You're afraid she'd leave you, right? Then why...why did you leave her first when you found out she was pregnant with me?" I asked, not hiding the disappointment in my voice.
I knew he got my point, nakita ko kung paanong nabigo ang kanyang mata sa ipinakita ng reaksyon.
"I-I was a coward, Lia." He admitted. "M-Marichu got pregnant before I left for Peñablanca. Naguluhan ako sa desisyon ko, anak. I-I thought I was doing the right thing if I leave you both and went back to my wife."
Hindi ako nakapagsalita, parang may bara sa lalamunan, masama ang loob.
"I-I cheated on my wife with your mother and she never knew about it." He sighed heavily. "It was all my fault, Lia. I did something wrong, both to Marichu and Olivia. I am a coward."
"D-did my mother..." I muttered, trying to stop my tears. "D-did my mother even find out about her being a mistress? Na kasal ka na no'ng may relasyon kayo?"
When he shook his head, nahulog na ang luhang pinipigilan ko.
"No. She didn't know I was already married. She t-thought I only had another family after you were born. I-I'm sorry, Lia. I'm so sorry for what I've done to your mother and you." Parang pinipiraso ang puso ko. "M-mali ako sa lahat-lahat, s-sa panloloko kay Olivia at Marichu, s-sa pag-iwan ko sa 'yo."
I bit my lip to stop my sobs but they still escaped. Nakita ko ang pagtayo ni doc at mas napasinghap ako at napatakip ng bibig nang makitang lumuhod siya sa gilid ng kama at ibinaba ang kanyang ulo.
"P-patawarin mo ako, anak..." he cried, his shoulders shaking. "S-sana mapatawad mo ako, s-sana matawad n'yo ako ni Liv. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
I sobbed, gripping my fists.
"M-mali ako, anak. Sana ay mapatawad mo ako." He cried harder.
He reached for my other hand. I sobbed more when he gripped it and brought it to his cheek.
"Patawad, anak. M-malaki ang kasalanan ko sa inyo." Naramdaman ko ang basa sa kamay ko dahil sa kanyang luha at habang umiiyak din ay sumagi sa utak ko si nanay.
It was as if she was here with me. I could feel the warmth of her embrace and I felt braver. I remembered how strong she was, how she told me not to bury rage inside my heart dahil hindi iyon maganda.
I admired how strong and brave she was despite what happened to her. On how she remained with a forgiving heart despite everything.
People like that were so rare but I got to meet the two of them. My nanay and Tita Beatrice.
"Remember, anak. Whatever happens, I hope you'll always listen to other people's side even if it's hard. I hope you'll find forgiveness in your heart." My mother smiled at my memory. "It's okay to forgive but I understand that some things cannot be forgotten."
Diyos nga ay nagpapatawad, ako pa kaya na likha niya lamang?
People are sinners. All people shared a lot of faults and sins, they just varied in intensity. Some mistakes and wrongs could be forgiven and forgotten but some could only be forgiven but never be forgotten.
Those mistakes and imperfections make us human, pero ang mga pagkakamaling ito ay mali at hindi maaaring gawing excuse na tao lamang tayo, because in the end, we still choose to do it.
We have a choice. Everything that happens is a consequence of the choices you've made.
Those mistakes would be a lesson to everyone, a lesson we should always think about, mga pagkakamaling itatatak sa puso at utak habang nabubuhay para sa mga aral na nakuha natin mula rito.
Being just a human would never justify the mistakes and sins we commit in this life, so I knew that it was really important to ask for forgiveness and reflect on what we did wrong and learn from it.
Sabi ng nanay, if we make mistakes, we should never justify it. We should ask for forgiveness at gumising sa panibagong umaga na gagawin ang lahat para 'di na ulit magawa ang pagkakamali ng kahapon.
"D-doc, tumayo ka po." Even if my voice was shaking, I managed to tell him that.
He hesitated at first but when I pulled him up, he did. Nagtagpo ang mga mata namin at doon ko napansing may pagkakahawig ang mga mata namin.
"S-sorry, anak. N-nagkamali ako," he apologized repeatedly. "Alam kong 'di ko na maibabalik ang nakaraan pero sana payagan mo akong bumawi sa 'yo. I'm sorry. I did something horrible to you and your mother. I'm sorry for being an absent father. I'm s-sorry for everything. I will forever reflect and apologize for everything I did. For everyone I've hurt."
Our eyes were bloodshot. Even if my hands were shaking, I spread my arms for him and flashed a soft smile.
"P-payakap po," I mumbled and cried again when I felt his warm embrace.
"A-anak..." he sobbed. "S-sorry, sorry..."
In this life, since I was a child, I was taught by my mother to never waste my time on regrets, sadness, anger, and grudges against other people because life was uncertain. Life was too short to be unhappy.
"I...." I gasped and closed my eyes, ipinatong ko ang baba sa kanyang balikat at ipinikit ang mga mata, mas niyakap siya at naramdaman ang pagkalma ng puso. "It's hard for us–my nanay and me. S-sa totoo lang ay masama po ang loob ko at 'di ko makakalimutan ang lahat ng 'to..."
"I know, Lia," he breathed. "It's okay. I'm not asking you to forget. May mali ako at handa akong harapin iyon habang-buhay."
"I w-will never forget but I..." I let out a shaky breath. "I-I forgive you."
Mas lumakas ang iyak niya.
"A-Amalia, a-anak ko..." he cried harder.
"I-I forgive you, Tatay..." I whispered and the moment I said that, I felt how the heavy weight got of my chest.
I smiled despite the tears, freeing the pain and madness inside my fragile heart.
My father apologized for making me cry again, umiiyak pa siya habang tinatawagan ang cardiologist para muli akong i-check dahil sa naging usapan naming dalawa. The doctor warned us both about it. Mabuti na lang at hindi sumama ang aking pakiramdam, sa halip ay mas gumaan.
Lunch came and Dr. Sean excused himself first because of his patients.
I rested my back on the headboard and sighed, pumikit ako at inabot ang aking dibdib.
Kayanin mo, please. Kayanin nating dalawa.
The door opened and I saw Heart at Josh. I smiled but it vanished when I saw who it was behind them.
My gut twisted. Naramdaman ko ang hapdi sa mga mata ko.
He looked restless, magulo ang kanyang buhok at suot pa rin ang damit niya kagabi.
I couldn't see his eyes because he wouldn't look at me. Bumagsak lang ang balikat ko nang nakatungong dumiretso siya ng upo sa may sofa sa gilid, sumandal doon at pumikit.
Mula sa pwesto ko ay bakas na bakas ang eyebags sa ilalim ng mata niya. I swallowed painfully.
I was so tempted to come closer and talk to him, to apologize for what I did but I couldn't, lalo na nang pumunta sa may gilid ng kama ang dalawa.
"Hindi nagsasalita," halos pabulong na ani ni Josh. "Napilit lang namin pumasok at nababaliw na sa garden."
"Kinakausap na ang mga butterfly," Heart muttered and smirked.
"Naririnig kita, Puso," Atlas said coldly while crossing his arms on his chest, nakapikit pa rin at nakasandal sa sofa.
"Ay, oh? Share mo lang?" asar pa ni Heart kaya kumunot ang noo ni Atlas. Pasimple kong kinurot si Heart at inilingan. Ngumisi siya sa akin at nag-peace sign.
"Kausapin mo na at kanina pa..." She pointed her eyes down to her cheek and faked a sobbing, pinapakita sa aking umiiyak.
I nodded.
"Iwan muna namin kayo, inuto lang namin para sumama," Josh whispered.
Hawak-kamay at tahimik na umalis ang dalawa, halos mag-tiptoe pa roon.
Nakita ko ang pagkunot ng noo ni Atlas nang marinig ang pagbukas-sara ng pinto. I knew he wanted to check on it pero ayaw talaga siguro magmulat at baka magkatinginan kami kaya nanatili siyang tuod.
Sa kabila ng pag-iwan ko sa kanya kagabi at pagtanggi sa proposal niya ay hindi niya ako pinabayaan. My heart tugged painfully and happily. Kahit nasasaktan siya, pinili niyang manatili para sa 'kin, dahil mahal niya 'ko.
He was still the loving and understanding Atlas Louis Montezides in Peñablanca. We may have matured a lot but his beautiful pure heart remained.
Tinanggal ko ang kumot sa hita ko at bumaba sa kama. He tensed when he heard me but remained unmoving, his forehead creasing.
Kinakabahan man ako sa susunod na gagawin ay gusto-gusto kong kausapin ang mahal ko. I was selfish last night for not telling him my reason for rejecting him.
I was hesitant and a bit embarrassed at first but I sat beside him.
"Atlas?" I started.
Hindi siya umimik. His jaw ticked kaya napanguso ako at marahang inabot ang kanyang braso.
"Atlas, can we talk?" I asked softly.
Hindi na naman siya umimik, hinayaan akong hawakan lang siya.
"Um...bibi?" His lips pursed.
Ikinawit ko ang braso sa isang braso niya, tumagilid ng upo sa sofa at nag-Indian sit sa tabi niya.
"Bibi ko?" I called softly and touched his arm. "Bibi?" I kissed his cheek.
Nang magmulat siya ay kaagad akong ngumiti pero napairap siya sa ere.
"Ay, wow, suplado?" I asked, still smiling.
"Hindi mo ako madadala r'yan, Amalia Lorraine," he grunted.
Oh, maybe he wasn't in the mood to my whims?
"Galit ka?" I asked hesitantly. Hindi siya umimik.
It must be serious. I sighed. Inalis ko ang kamay ko sa braso niya.
He really was mad...kasalanan ko naman. Palalamigin ko muna ang ulo niya tapos mamaya ko na kakausapin kapag okay na siya.
"S-sorry, later na lang..." Tumayo ako para sana bumalik sa kama pero nagulat ako nang may humawak sa kamay ko. It was too quick, nagitla na lang ako nang isang marahang hila ay napaupo na ako sa kanyang hita.
"At—" My voice faded when his arms were immediately wrapped around my waist, nang tumungo siya sa balikat ko at narinig ang hikbi ay para akong naupos.
"B-bakit 'di mo sinabi sa akin?" he asked painfully. "W-why did you hide it?"
"A-Atlas..." I muttered when I felt something wet on my shoulders.
"P-paano kung hindi kita nakita?" he whispered painfully. "P-paano kung hindi kita nasundan? Paano kung m-may nangyaring masama sa iyo, Amalia?!"
"B-but you followed me..." I said softly. "A-and nothing happened to me, s-see? Ayos ako?"
"Pero paano kung hindi, Lia?!" he hissed yet he lacked conviction, mas nanginig lang ang boses. "P-paano kung nagpakagago ako at hindi ka sinundan? P-paano kung hindi ako dumating kaagad..."
"Wala kang kasalanan, hmm?" I hummed, trying to calm him down. "A-and you did your best to follow me k-kahit may mali akong nagawa. 'Wag na 'wag mong sisihin ang sarili mo."
When I heard his sobs, my heart shattered. Mabilis kong inabot ang kanyang mukha at sinapo ang kanyang pisngi. Our eyes met and I felt my gut twisting seeing his bloodshot eyes.
"A-Atlas..."
"P-paano kung may masamang n-nangyari sa 'yo, Lia? H-hindi mo ba naiisip na nag-aalala ako sa 'yo?" he ranted painfully. "H-hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko kagabi! 'Y-yong mahal ko nasa lapag at walang malay, I-I..."
"Shhh," I hushed him, slowly cupping his cheek. "It's okay, Atlas. 'Wag mong sisihin ang sarili mo."
"N-no..." He shook his head. "H-hindi mo alam kung anong nararamdaman ko kagabi, p-para akong mamatay, I—"
I lowered my head and kissed his lips. Hinayaan niya ako at sa halip ay tuloy-tuloy na kumawalang luha sa mga mata niya habang nakatitig sa 'kin.
"Mahal na mahal kita, Atlas," I said genuinely. "L-like you, I've never loved this much. I-ikaw lang din."
It pained me to see the toughest man I know look so fragile today with his bloodshot eyes.
"I-I'm sorry if I hid my condition from all of you," I apologized, moving to press a kiss on his forehead. He closed his eyes and firmed his grip on my waist. "N-natatakot lang akong sabihin. A-ayokong masaktan kayo,"
"A-and you think not telling wouldn't hurt us?" he asked. I lowered my head. "Look at me, Amalia."
Sinunod ko siya.
"You think I'm not hurting right now?" he asked. Nanginginig na pinunasan ko ng daliri ang mga luha niya.
"S-sorry..." I whispered.
"Y-you don't know how I felt when I found out you were hurting p-pero wala akong kaalam-alam," he said brokenly. "I felt...I felt useless. Nandito ka nga sa akin p-pero wala man lang akong nagawa habang nasasaktan ka na pala...wala akong kwenta, wala man lang ako—"
"No, no." I shook my head and cupped his cheek. "Wala kang kasalanan, Atlas, okay? Wala. Y-you did your best to take care of me, wala kang kasalanan..."
He just stared at me with exhausted, pained eyes.
"I-I'm sorry, mahal ko," I whispered, kissing his forehead before slowly hugging him. "I-I'm so sorry, Atlas. I'm so sorry, bibi."
"P-paano naman ako, L-Lia? A-ayaw mo akong masaktan pero kapalit no'n ay masasaktan ka nang palihim? P-paano naman ako? Paano naman akong ayaw kang nakikitang ganyan..." He sniffed and hugged me more. "I-I love you, a-ayokong nasasaktan ka. I d-didn't wait for you all these years just to let you hurt and suffer alone. G-gusto kong kasama mo ako sa paghihirap at sakit na 'yan, g-gusto kong maging parte ng buhay mo, sakit man o hindi..."
"Atlas..." I trembled and cried.
"S-so please, let me in...let me be hurt with you. H-hindi 'yong ikaw lang. I-isama mo ako..."
We remained that way, holding each other until we both calmed down.
I controlled my breathing and hugged him harder to relax. Sa sobrang paghihina ko siguro ay mabilis na lang akong nabuhat ni Atlas mula sa kanyang hita.
I hugged his nape, isinubsob ko ang mukha sa kanyang dibdib at hinayaan siyang dalhin ako pabalik sa kama. I rested my back on the headboard and watched him brushed his hair. Kagaya ko ay mukha rin siyang walang pahinga at pagod na pagod.
He took a glass of water to give me before calling to ask for lunch. To see him this way, not composed and in disarray is so new.
The strongest man I knew was the weakest when he was with me.
Ang sakit-sakit isipin.
Naupo siya sa aking tabi, kinuha niya ang panyo para punasan ang gilid ng aking mata at pisngi, tahimik at mukhang desidido. When he was done, I took the hanky from his hand and pulled him closer.
Pinunasan ko rin ang luha niya. Mapungay ang mga matang hinayaan niya ko, pinapanuod.
"B-bakit 'di ka pumasok kaagad? Kanina pa kita inaantay," I said softly. "A-are you mad at me for rejecting you?"
Hindi siya kaagad nagsalita. He remained serious while looking at me until he shook his head.
"Bakit naman ako magagalit sa 'yo," he said in a low voice. "When I decided to propose to you, alam ko namang may tiyansang umayaw ka and I-I proposed to you in public kaya..."
"Mahal kita, Atlas," I reassured. Tumango siya.
"I know...I just don't know the reason why you rejected me," he said. "M-mahal na mahal din kita na hindi ko kayang magalit sa 'yo. We've been apart for a decade, Lia. I-I don't want it to turn to waste just because you rejected me."
I sighed, binaba ko ang kamay ko pero mabilis niya iyong hinuli at hinawakan.
"Tara nga rito," I told him and moved. I tapped the space beside me.
"What..."
"The bed is large, lay down here with me," I told him. He nodded like a kid, napangiti ako nang mabilis niyang tinanggal ang sapatos niya at gumapang sa aking tabi.
Sumandal akong bahagyang sa magkakapatong na unan at napangiti na ako nang humiga siya sa may malapit sa dibdib ko habang hawak pa rin ang kamay ko.
"Rest your head on my arms," I said softly and he did, nang komportable na siya ay marahang sinuklay ko ang kanyang buhok at hinayaan siyang dalhin ang kamay ko sa kanyang labi.
"How much do you know about my situation?" I asked.
"It's...severe and you have to undergo surgeries," he whispered. "That you often have chest pains and shortness of breath but I didn't even know about it. Ni hindi ko naasikaso nang maayos ang girlfriend ko."
Umiling ako.
"'Di mo kasalanan, Atlas. I chose to hide it because I don't want you hurting. I was selfish for keeping this, yes, pero Atlas, hindi ko...hindi ko kayang nakikitang nasasaktan kayo dahil sa akin. Ayokong nakikitang nahihirapan ang mga mahal ko dahil sa akin."
"Hindi ako natutuwa sa ganyang mindset mo, Ms. Argueles," he said firmly kaya napangiti ako at mas hinaplos ang kanyang buhok.
"You're selfless, bibi, you know that?" I smiled. "You waited for me kahit 'di ka naman talaga sigurado sa akin, I rejected you yet here you are...still around."
"Kasi mahal kita, Amalia," aniyang seryoso. "What's the point of loving kung mga ganitong bagay lang ay susukuan na kita?"
Mahal na mahal ko talaga 'to...
"I know you know about this, Atlas, but I asked the doctor about your dreams..." I said. Nangunot ang noo niya.
"What dream?"
"You...told me you want a family," I said. He froze but then nodded.
"Okay? What about it?"
"Sabi niya...and I know you have an idea now, but I'm afraid o-our children might inherit my condition if I get pregnant," I muttered, thinking about it hurts me but he remained watching my expression. "And in some cases, m-minsan ang mothers daw with CHD hindi pinapayagan ng doktor na magbuntis."
Nanatili siyang nakatitig. 'Di nagsasalita.
"I'm..." I sighed. "I'm afraid I can't give you a family."
"Ayon lang, Amalia?" he asked kaya nanlaki ang mata ko.
"Anong lang? Hindi lang lang iyon! Y-you said you want a family and I don't know if I can give it to you and—"
"Is family just about children?" he asked kaya natigilan ako roon. "Do you think kapag ikaw lang, hindi na pamilya iyon?"
"S-siyempre, ano...mas maganda kung magkakaanak tayo, 'di ba, gusto mo ng mga batang tumatakbo sa bahay natin—"
"You're my family, Amalia," he said seriously. "If we have a child then it'll be a bonus, it'll be a gift for us. If our children might inherit your condition then I'll do my best to take care of them, I wouldn't have studied cardio if I was not thinking about it..."
"Y-you're specializing cardio?!" My eyes widened.
My expression amused him. Nailing siya.
"You're adorable, bibi, but I don't like your mindset of keeping everything to yourself," aniya. "And why would I specialize something na hindi ko naman magagamit sa pamilya ko? Of course, I would study something that could help my future children and wife."
My heart softened hearing him telling me this.
"And not all children inherit their parent's condition, Lia. I know you know that,"
I nodded. "Oo, pero kasi natatakot ako, 'tsaka—paano naman kapag 'di ako pinayagan ng doktor na magbuntis?"
"I don't like your reason, Lia. Hindi kita gusto pakasalan para anakan lang," aniyang seryoso kaya napanguso ako.
"Pero kasi..."
"Children are a bonus, Amalia," he lectured me. "It's a gift after marriage, but if God won't grant us children then I'll understand, there are a lot of ways to have kids. We can adopt."
I slowly nodded, understanding him.
"And don't think too much of the future, darating tayo sa parteng iyan ng buhay and we will decide it together. What important is the present and it won't hurt if you could trust me with your struggles too, Lia. I am not your boyfriend just for display. I am here so you can count on me when you need me."
While he's saying that ay napangiti na ako lalo.
"Why are you so admirable, Atlas? Hindi talaga ako nagsising nakilala kita," I said lovingly. It left him off guard that he even blushed.
"Hindi mo ako madadala sa ganyan lang, Amalia—"
"Alam mo bang noon pa lang crush na kita?" I asked. He stilled.
"W-weh?" He stopped, his eyes widening.
"Grade seven," I told him and smiled. "Ano...no'ng nag-try-out ka sa basketball tapos no'ng tinulungan mo ako dati no'ng nasa mansyon n'yo kami."
His eyes were so wide. "Shit, sabi ko na, e. Palagi kitang nahuhuling nakatingin!" he exclaimed and laughed. "Fuck, patay na patay din sa akin ang crush ko—"
I smacked him.
"G-grabe ka sa patay na patay, h-hindi, ah!" I protested. He smirked.
"Pero wala, mas nauna pa rin akong magkagusto sa 'yo, Amalia. Mas magaling ako."
"Ako kaya ang nauna," I told him. "Grade seven ako at grade nine ka! Oh, 'di ba? Mas nauna ako."
"Let me remind you na we're two years apart so halos magkasabayan lang tayo." He cleared. "'Tsaka bago pa ako nag-try-out sa varsity dati nahulog ka na sa kanal!"
I stiffened. Mas nagliwanag ang ekspresyon niya.
"Y-you! Bakit mo pinapaalala—" I was about to smack him but he was too quick. Nanlaki ang mata ko nang mabilis niyang naiba ang pwesto naming dalawa.
My eyes widened when he changed our positions, ngayon ay nasa itaas ko na siya at magkalapit ang mukha.
"Atlas..." I whispered, gulping. He moved his face closer, halos magdikit na ang labi namin kaya umangat ako para hulihin ang labi niya pero mabilis siyang lumayo para 'di ko maabutan.
Kumunot ang noo ko at humawak sa kanyang shirt para sana hilahin siya pero inilagay niya ang daliri sa labi ko para pigilan ako.
"Promise me first," he negotiated. I swallowed hard while staring at his lips.
"P-promise what?"
"Promise me you'll involve me in your life," he said seriously. "Isasama mo ako sa mga desisyong para sa ating dalawa."
Napatango ako at sinabi sa kanya ang isa sa mga bagay na naiisip ko these past few days.
"I just want to ask you something, y-your opinion of this."
"What about it?" he asked.
"I've been thinking...you know, you know my situation with my mother, right?" I hesitated.
He nodded.
"I wanted so much to marry you, Atlas," I admitted. "But I remembered what happened to my mother, I'm not saying that you'll be like that but...but you see, Atlas. I couldn't help but think of her. She was fooled two times by the two men she trusted. T-they made her a mistress and you know...I-I'm sorry."
I thought he'd get hurt but he just smiled and nodded.
"I actually thought it might be the reason, hindi ko naisip ang tungkol sa anak. Naisip ko ay ang tungkol kay dad but this I can assure you..." He slowly lifted my hand and placed it on his chest. "I may be every asshole but there's nothing more truthful than my love for you, Amalia Argueles."
My eyes were blurry.
"Atlas, sorry..."
"No, it's okay. I appreciate you telling me that. Thank you but, Lia, I don't want you stressing. Don't cry because of me anymore, okay?"
"Okay..." I breathed.
"I may be a jerk but I wouldn't be like my father," he said like an oath. "I would never trade a lifetime of happiness with the woman I'm in love with for artificial happiness from other people."
That was so enough to make me feel good, hulog na hulog na ako pero habang naririnig ito mula sa lalaking pinakamamahal ko ay sigurado na 'kong kailanman ay 'di na ako makakaahon sa pagmamahal na 'to.
I pulled his shirt and crashed my lips with his. He was startled but leaned in and kissed me back.
I hugged his nape, opening my mouth so he could kiss openly. It was so intense and passionate, I could feel the heat spreading, my stomach fluttering.
"E-excuse me, your lunch."
Mabilis kaming natigilan sa halikan, nanlaki ang mata ko nang makita ang nakabusangot na mukha ni Nurse Lyka.
Atlas glanced at Nurse Lyka and nodded. "Thanks, Nurse."
"A-alright." She glanced at Atlas and smiled. Tumango si Atlas at sumubsob sa aking balikat habang si Nurse Lyka ay kunot lang ang noong pinagmasdan ako.
She rolled her eyes at me before leaving kaya napaismid ako.
"Ang gwapo mo talaga, bibi, ano?" I commented.
He moved away to look at me. "Ngayon mo lang nalaman?" He smirked.
I chuckled, pinisil ko ang kanyang pisngi at umiling. "D-dati pa naman." Nang nanliit ang mata niya ay nag-init ang pisngi ko.
"Pero ayon nga, ang daming nag-aagawan sa 'yo." I frowned.
"Uh-huh, papaagaw ba ang bibi mo?" He raised his brow at me.
"Hindi, siyempre..." I slowly touched his nape to pull him closer to me. "Kasi sa 'kin ka lang."
He smiled, we kissed again like we didn't kiss enough earlier. Yapos-yapos ko pa ang kanyang batok nang narinig ko ang pagbukas ng pintuan.
"Anak, dumating na ba ang lunch—putang ina, bakit mo nilalantakan ang anak ko, Montezides?!" Sa sobrang gulat ay natulak ko si Atlas paalis sa aking ibabaw.
Nakarinig ako ng lagapak pero ang mata'y nanlaki lang nang makita si Dr. Sean na nakatayo sa gilid at nakanganga.
"D-doc..." I muttered.
"A-anak?" halos mapatalon ako nang marinig si Atlas na nasa lapag bumagsak at hawak ang balakang.
'Di ko alam saan kakabahan. Sa nahulog ba siya o kay Doc na nakakakita?
"Oo, bakit? I told you I'm a relative, right?" Kumunot ang noo ni Doc, seryoso ang mga mata.
"H-huh? But I didn't know—"
"Yes, Montezides. I'm the father. Alam kong kayo na but...why are you kissing my daughter?!" Tumaas ang kilay ni Doc.
Nanlaki ang mata ni Atlas, sa sobrang bilis ng galaw niya ay miski ako ay nagulat nang bigla siyang napaluhod sa harapan ni Doc.
"P-papanagutan ko po ang anak n'yo, D-doc!" he exclaimed and showed him his begging hand.
Umugong ang tawanan namin ni Doc dahil sa kanya.
⋆˙⟡♡⟡⋆˙
IT was a roller coaster day for me, I was sad yet happy at the same time. Masakit man sa loob ay kailangan kong tanggapin na may mga bagay talagang hindi para sa atin, na hindi lahat ng bagay ay magiging pabor sa atin.
Maybe the love from those two men wasn't meant for my mother, but I know, inside my heart that the love I had for my mother was meant for her. She deserved the love I could give her because she became a good mother to me, she became a good example kahit ang tadhana at pagmamahal ay hindi naging maganda sa kanya.
Isa pa, other than my mother, I admired Tita Marichu and Tita Beatrice so much. Despite the pain their marriage gave, they still chose to stay strong for their children. Which is a tough thing, a tough decision to make.
They remained fighting for the sake of their loving kids like my mother. These women fought so much for their children and I admired how strong they were.
The things a mother could do for her children.
I was too sad but I had to accept the fact that my attempt to be a doctor would be postponed again for the open heart surgeries I was going to have. My father was going to do his best to help me as much as he could at nahihiya man akong tanggapin ay alam kong gugustuhin ng nanay na mabuhay pa ako nang matagal.
I knew she wanted me to continue my dream—not just for her and for the people I loved, but for myself too.
I believe life wasn't a race, kung ang isang bagay ay para sa 'yo, magiging sa iyo iyon kahit anong mangyari. I might get delayed again but I knew I could surpass this challenge and get my dreams–at the right timing.
I shouldn't compare my journey with other people because we had different paces. Pwedeng nauuna sila at nasa hulian ako, pwedeng nasa hulihan sila at nasa unahan ako, but what was important was someday, we will all reach the finish line.
I smiled while staring at the results of the physician board exam and my batchmates were here. Kasabay ng anniversary ng ospital ay ang paglabas ng resulta ng boards.
"Someday, ako naman..." I whispered to myself while congratulating them in the comment section. "Someday, it would be my time."
I stared at the Almighty's replica in the center of the room and smiled, closing my eyes.
I want to live longer, God. Thank you for waking me up today.
I received a weird message from my friend on messenger kaya nagtaka ako.
Heart: LIA!!! Nasaan ang boypren mo nang makaltukan ko ng wanmilyon!!!!
"Bibi, bibi! Pa-open!" Nagulat ako nang may narinig akong boses sa labas ng kwarto ko sa ospital. I stood, inayos ang pajama na partner ang hospital clothes na suot ko bago lumapit para pagbuksan.
Halos lumuwa ang mata ko nang makita si Atlas na may yakap-yakap na isang container ng...melon?
"What..."
"Tago mo ako, dali!" he said at gulantang pa rin ay isinara ko ang pintuan at pinagmasdan siyang nagkukumahog na naupo sa may sofa, inilapag sa gilid ang container na nangangalahati na at may hawak pang plastic cup,
Napakamot ako sa kilay bago umupo sa tabi niya.
"Anong..." Nahuli kong inisang tungga niya ng bagong refill na cup kaya napahagalpak ako. "What are you doing, bibi?"
"Huh?" He blinked. He looked so adorable with his dress shirt and doctor's coat on, may duty pero nandito sa kwarto ko at lumalantak ng melon.
"Ano 'yan?" I glanced at the container.
"Melon mo?" aniya.
"Hindi ko 'yan melon." I chuckled, naalala bigla ang nangyari noon. "Ako lang ang nagbigay ng listahan ng ingredients at nagturo kay Heart pero hindi ako ang nagtimpla."
"Kahit na," aniya at muling kinuha ang sandok para refill-an ang kanyang cup. "Basta, akin lang."
"Sa 'yo lang?" I raised my brow.
"Sa akin lang ang melon mo," aniya.
I burst out laughing, ngumuso naman siya at muling tumungga.
"Gusto mo, bibi?' he offered me the melon pero umiling ako, natatawa.
"Sige lang, mukhang kulang pa sa 'yo, e," tanggi ko bago pagmasdan ang container. "Don't tell me...ikaw ang nakakakalahati niyan?"
"Hmm?" he hummed, napapahawak na sa tiyan at ngumuso.
"'Yon nga, e! Kinontrata ko na si Puso para sa melon, sabi ko buong container sa akin pero may pinag-serve-an siyang tatlo!" ngiwi niya. "Tss, muntik na nga na apat, buti na lang nagbanyo kaya natakas ko itong melon mo," aniyang desidido.
Lalaking 'to talaga...
Mukhang pinagpawisan pa siya sa pagtakbo niya sa container kaya lumapit ako para punasan ang kanyang noo ng bimpo. He watched me while I did that, smiling. Sinuklay ko rin ang buhok niya.
"Seryoso bang uubusin mo 'yan?"
He nodded.
"Recipe mo ito, sa akin lang dapat ang melon mo," aniya, palaban pa.
"Seryoso? Naalala mo no'ng high school?" Nangiti ako nang matigilan siya.
"Oh? Wala akong naalala," suplado siyang umirap.
"Talaga?" I grinned. "Naalala mo no'ng inubos mo ang container ng melon tapos na-tae ka?"
He glared at me. "Akala ko ba secret iyan, Amalia? Bakit may throwback?"
I laughed, pinching his cheek. "Bakit, wala namang ibang tao, ah? Secret natin pa rin."
"Tss, hindi na 'yan. Hindi na ako matatae, Lia," aniyang with conviction. "Melon lang 'yan, Atlas yata 'to."
"Uh-huh, paano kung melon now, tae later?' I teased.
He glared more.
"Okay, okay, sige." I laughed. "Pero sinabihan na kita, ah? Bahala ka."
"Hindi ako matatae, Lia. 'Di ako nag-almusal kanina kaya marami akong compartment." He tapped his stomach.
"Sige na lang..."
"Sige, pustahan?" hamon pa niya.
"Sige ba," tanggap ko sa hamon niya bago kinuha ang bag ko.
"Makikita mo, Amalia," he grunted and tapped his stomach with conviction. "I came prepared!"
"Oh?" I smirked. "Okay, but if need these...your pharmacist is one call away." Sabay lapag ko ng Loperamide sa lamesa.
I watched television while he finished the container. Nag-aalala na ako dahil baka pumutok ang tiyan sa pinanggagawa niya pero kapag nagkakatinginan kami ay mayabang niya lang na tinataas ang kilay niya sa akin habang tumutungga.
Naku, Atlas, tingnan natin.
Heart was ranting in my messages, saying how stressed she was when Atlas stole the container.
Dumating ang lunch ko at nakita kong si Heart ang pumasok, masama ang tingin kay Atlas na halos yakapin na naman ang container.
"Magnanakaw ka, bobo!" Heart hissed, halos itapon na ang tray kay Atlas.
"Binayaran ko 'to, ah? Tanong mo sa kasama mo sa booth!" Atlas said. "'Tsaka ayaw kitang mag-serve sa akin, ang kaunti ng sahog!"
"Gago, binigay mo kanina sa akin limang piso kaya limang sahog lang, bobo!" Heart snapped.
Sa takot na isaboy na ni Heart ang tray kay Atlas na sige pa rin ang inom ay kinuha ko na ang tray kay Heart para makakain.
"Oo nga, kaya sa kasama mo ako bumili," ani Atlas. "Mabait 'yon, pinagbigyan akong isang container."
Napainom ako ng juice na ibinigay ni Heart habang nakikinig.
"Huh!" Umirap si Heart. "Sinusumpa ko, boplaks! Ayon sa tarot card ko, matatae ka!" sumpa niya at halos mabuga ko na ang iniinom ko.
Atlas glared at me and heck, I did my best not to laugh.
Pagkatapos ko ng lunch ay napapansin ko na ang pagkakatulala ni Atlas sa may tabi ko habang nanunuod kami ng TV.
I glanced at him and bit my lip when I saw him blinking nonstop, uneasy. Namumula ng mukha niya. Hininaan na rin ang aircon at nilalamig daw siya.
When I asked, sabi niya'y hinubad niya raw kasi ang coat niya. When I asked him to wear it, tinatamad daw siyang kunin sa sofa but I knew better.
I glanced at his stomach at hindi na ako nagulat nang bundat na iyon.
"So...kumusta ang tiyan natin d'yan?" I asked.
"I'm okay, bibi," he defended. I touched his stomach and chuckled when it was very bouncy.
"Really?" I asked and he hummed, nodding. "Bundat, ah, ano nang nangyari sa abs mo?"
"Busog ako, bi, tabs na 'yan," hirit pa niya.
Pagkaraan ay sumandal siya sa balikat ko, tahimik na. I caught a glimpse of his arms and I almost burst out laughing when I saw he had goosebumps.
"F-fuck, ang lamig naman dito," ani Atlas bigla na tumayo at nagpalakad-lakad sa may gilid ko.
"Natatae ka na?" I asked.
"Hindi, ah," suplado niyang sagot.
"Hmm, okay." Nagkibit-balikat ako.
I continued watching television while he walked around the room. I stopped when I suddenly smelled something.
Mabilis akong napalingon kay Atlas na natulala pa pero umiwas at nagpalakad-lakad.
"Did you just..."
"Hindi ako umutot!" he exclaimed.
I stared at him seriously, sabay kaming napanganga nang marinig ko na ang hindi na nakakagulat na tunog ng utot niya.
"Fuck," he cursed and stood straight.
Ngumiwi ako, mabilis na kinuha ang unan.
"Dugyot ka, Atlas!" I exclaimed and threw him the pillow pero mabilis na siyang kumaripas sa banyo.
"F-fuck, sorry!" he said, flustered, at nang nasarado na niya ang pintuan ay mamatay-matay naman ako sa kakatawa.
Baliw talaga...
I expected it but I still couldn't stop my laughter, nakaabang ako sa kanya sa pintuan para magbantay. I heard the door open. I suppressed my laugh when I saw his flushing, embarrassed face.
"Bakit?" I asked.
"I—um, b-bibi, pwedeng p-pasabi sa nurse d'yan sa labas na pabili ako ng sabon," aniya.
"Okay," nagpipigil ng tawa kong sabi.
"Sorry." He cleared his throat. "Labyu, ano, uh. Sana mahal mo pa rin ako pagkatapos."
Nag-init ang mukha ko kakapigil humalakhak sa harapan niya.
"Sana lamunin na lang ako ng bowl," he murmured.
Nagtataka pa ang nurse noong una nang nakisuyo ako ng sabon. She was so confused kaya sinabi ko na lang na naubos na ang sabon sa banyo ko. When I got the soap, kinatok ko si Atlas sa banyo.
"Atlas, oh," tawag ko. Mabilis siyang dumungaw sa akin, nagpapawis na at napalunok.
"T-thanks," he said and took the soap. "F-fuck, nakakahiya." He vanished like a ghost.
This is what I adored about my relationship with Atlas. We don't pretend to be perfect. We accept each other wholeheartedly, the silliness, these funny little moments. We might embarrass ourselves from each other, it doesn't affect the love we have for each other.
He was so adorable and I am so in love with him. All sides of him—the shy, the sweet, the handsome, and mostly...the lutang and boplaks side.
Two days from now would be the first of my series of open heart surgery, and the doctors said it was so risky yet the only way to help me survive this.
Pagkalabas niya ay parang bata siyang napagalitan ng teacher dahil nagtagal sa recess. Nakatayo nang diretso, nakalagay ang kamay sa likod at nakatungo.
I stood, lumapit ako sa kanya at nakita siyang namumula.
"Kumusta?" I asked, amused.
"I-ikaw na panalo sa pustahan," he sighed in defeat. "Anong ipapagawa mo sa akin, kamahalan?"
I smiled. "Tingin ka muna sa akin."
Hesitantly, he stared at me with his blushing and embarrassed face kaya ngumiti ako.
"Dahil natalo ka, may ipapagawa ako sa 'yo," I said.
"What?" he asked, accepting the fact.
I let out a shaky breath.
"Marry me today." I smiled at him.
His jaw dropped. I saw how he silently panic. He was still forming his words in his mouth nang marining namin ang pagtunog ng tiyan niya.
"F-fuck, wait..." He puffed out a breath. "Last one!"
Napatawa ako nang hawak ang pang-upo niya ay tumakbo siya sa banyo.
"Bibi, pasuyo naman ng Diatabs!" he exclaimed kaya nasapo ko na ang mukha.
⋆˙⟡♡⟡⋆˙
WEARING a simple white dress from my clothes in the hospital, we had a short notice wedding. Ang pari sa simbahan sa ospital ay madaling nakausap ni Atlas. My father was so shocked na muntik pa siyang mahulog sa upuan niya nang sabihin namin ang biglaang desisyon pero hindi tumutol at masaya pa para sa amin.
I was so excited today, it was so sudden but I wanted to do this as soon as I could. I wanted Atlas to be happy, life was so uncertain and I wanted to fulfill one of his wishes. Our wish.
To get married.
With only a couple of close guests and a priest, it was one of the most special occasions in my life. It was funny paanong nanghiram lang si Atlas ng coat kay tatay habang nag-aantay sa kabilang dulo ng altar.
Heart took flowers from the hospital's garden for my simple bouquet. She even fixed my hair and I chuckled while watching our guests wearing scrubs, tanging si Josh lang na galing pa sa trabaho ang naka-shirt, hawak ang phone niya at ka-video call namin sina Ted na pumunta kina Lolo at Lola para mapanuod kami.
The familiar song, Sad Song by We The Kings, is playing in the background while I walked down the aisle where he was waiting. Josh was beside him, at nakita ko ang boyfriend kong malaki ang ngiti pero hinahawi na ang luha sa mga mata.
You and I, we're like fireworks and symphonies exploding in the sky
With you, I'm alive
Like all the missing pieces of my heart, they finally collide
"I can't say anything negative to that man, anak," ani tatay na nasa tabi ko at hinahatid ako sa altar. "Bukod sa lutang yata pagdating sa 'yo."
I glanced at him and smiled. Humigpit ang hawak ko sa braso ko, sa frame kung nasaan ang picture ni nanay.
Kahit wala siya...ihahatid niya rin ako. Alam kong nandito lang siya at masaya kaming pinapanuod.
So stop time right here in the moonlight
'Cause I don't ever wanna close my eyes
"I-I hope it's okay with you, uh, this sudden wedding, Tay."
"Matagal ko ng kilala si Louis, anak," aniya. "He's a better man than me, he's far greater. Malayong-malayo sa 'kin. Masaya akong nand'yan siya at ang mga kaibigan n'yo noong panahong mag-isa ka. Kahit naman may pagkaloko ang batang iyan, alam kong mapagkakatiwalaan ko 'yan."
We reached the aisle and I was so happy. Nanlalabo na ang mga mata ko sa mga luha habang nakatitig sa lalaking pinakamamahal ko.
Heart was my bridesmaid, pagkarating namin sa dulo ng aisle ay iyak nang iyak ang kaibigan ko.
"I-I'm so happy," she cried while hugging me.
"Thank you, Heart," I muttered while hugging her. "I love you."
"I-I love you too!" ngawa niya at kung hindi pa kuhain ng natatawang si Josh ay 'di pa tatahimik. "L-loka, nauna pang ikasal ang Amalas sa atin, Joshua!" she exclaimed.
"Congrats, Lia." Josh smiled.
"Thank you," I muttered, inangat niya ang phone at ipinakita sina Ted at ang grandparents ko.
"Lia, congrats! Sana nand'yan ako!" he exclaimed.
"Congrats, apo!" Masaya at umiiyak na sabi ng grandparents ko.
"Thank you, Ted! Thank you, Lo! La!" I said happily.
Without you, I feel broke
Like I'm half of a whole
Without you, I've got no hand to hold
Without you, I feel torn
Atlas was talking to my father and Tita Marichu who I had a good talk with. When my father gave my hand to him, I felt nothing but contentment. Tita asked if she could take the frame I was holding to sit with them.
Naiiyak akong tumango.
"S-salamat po, Tita,"
"I wished nothing but happiness for you, Lia." Sinulyapan niya ang frame na hawak niya. "I am sure Olivia is very happy right now."
Nagkatinginan kami ni Atlas. We both smiled at nang nahuli kong nahulog ang luha sa kanyang pisngi niya. Marahang pinalis ko iyon.
"I love you, Atlas," I proclaimed.
"I love you too, bibi ko," he breathed. "Thank you for fulfilling my wishes, my baby."
"Our wishes, Atlas," I corrected. "I've dreamed of this, my young, brave heart always dreamed for this–with you."
Like a sail in a storm
Without you, I'm just a sad song
I'm just a sad song
Hand in hand, we walked towards the priest waiting for us, smiling widely.
"Wala talagang makakapigil sa taong nagmamahalan, the love destined by God stays no matter what happens." He smiled at us. "Any rings?"
Natigilan kami ni Atlas at nagkatingin.
"I...shit, I forgot the ring sa unit ko," he muttered.
"I knew it!" biglang nagmartsa si Heart hawak si Josh kaya natawa ako. "Josh, hubad ang singsing!"
Josh was chuckling while removing their engagement ring, naluha ako lalo habang nakikitang kinukuha rin ni Heart ang singsing niya at inilalahad sa amin.
"Oh, be happy, okay?" she beamed and showed us their rings. "Basta, boplaks. Palitan mo 'to, times two presyo!"
"Oo na, sige," her cousin answered. "Malakas ka sa 'kin, Puso!"
We both chuckled, yumakap ako kay Heart.
"Thank you," I whispered to her. "Thank you for being a great woman, Heart. I love you so much, best friend."
"Welcome, best friend! I-it's an honor being your friend too! I am very thankful you welcomed us in your life!" bumaling siya kay Atlas. "Alagaan mo 'tong BFF ko, ah? Naku..."
"Of course," Atlas said truthfully.
Heart pounted and squeezed me. "Basta masaya ka at si bobo, masaya na kaming lahat,"
Niyakap ko rin nang mahigpit si Ted at kumaway kina Ted sa video bago hinarap ang pinakamamahal ko.
The wedding, even if it was so sudden, was one of a kind.
"Atlas Louis Montezides," I muttered while pushing the ring on his finger. "I love you so much—simula noon hanggang ngayon. Even back when I was young, this heart yearned for you. This fragile but brave heart loves you so much, ikaw lang. Thank you so much for your patience."
My tears fell and Atlas was crying too, pulang-pula na ang ilong.
"Thank you for staying with me, for being understanding...thank you, Atlas, for being you." Hinawi ko ang luha. "I couldn't promise you that much but I promise to be brave for you, I promise to do my best not to lose hope and fight. Mahal na mahal kita. I love every sides of you, k-kahit 'yong pang-palpak at lutang."
Umugong ang tawanan. Flashbacks of our silly little moments played in my head.
Atlas cackled too and lifted the ring.
With you, I fall
It's like I'm leaving all my past and silhouettes up on the wall
With you, I'm a beautiful mess
It's like we're standing hand and hand with all our fears up on the edge
"Bibi ko, alam kong bawat update ko palpak pa rin," he started kaya lumaki ang ngiti ko. "I-I know I'm not perfect, I have glitches and bugs kahit ilang update na but I assure you I'm doing my best to be the best version every time I update. Though please expect an auto-bangag update."
I nodded, amazed.
"Well, I don't know what to say since this is so sudden. Parang natae lang ako kanina tapos paglabas ko ikakasal na tayo..." Suminghot pa siya.
Narinig ko ang hagalpak ng mga tao roon, lalo na si Heart.
"Melon pa more!"
"But I just want to say that I am in love with you Amalia Lorraine Argueles, in this lifetime and the next. Ikaw lang ang babaeng mamahalin ko ng ganito–ang tanging mamahalin ko," he muttered. "I want to thank you for listening to me, for having a brave heart, for facing your fears and challenges in life. Thank you for giving me a chance to be a part of your life."
He let out a shaky breath. Mas nahulog ang kanyang luha habang inilalagay ang singsing sa aking daliri.
"I may not be perfect but I promise to do my best to love you, to provide for you. Even if I'm weak at times, I promise to be tough despite it...for you. I will be the shoulder you can cry on. I will be your bibi forever." He sighed in relief, a smile plastered on his lips when he successfully put the ring on.
"Amalia Lorraine Argueles-Montezides, I just want to tell you na ikaw—ikaw ang mundo ko." He smiled despite the tears, napapasinghot na rin siya.
I sobbed. His lips quivered.
"Always remember na kay Bibi Lia lang ako magpapayanig," he said, seryoso pero umatras yata ang luha ko nang sa pagsinghot niya ay maliit na lumubo ang sipon niya.
We burst out laughing, we almost ran out of breath. Hindi na matigil ang tawa ko at ng mga bisita buong kasal kaya mas napaiyak si Atlas sa kahihiyan niya pero ang simpleng kasal na iyon ay ang pinakamaganda at pinakamasayang ala-ala sa akin.
It was like the calm after the storm, it was the rain after the sunshine. Ang buhay, hindi lamang puro saya at may mga pagkakataong susubukin ka ng tadhana para sumuko na.
My surgery was making me weaker and weaker each day but my husband stayed with me as much as he could. He'd sleep in the hospital room with me after his tiring duty, he'd feed me always and try to cheer me up every day.
There was a time I almost died during my surgery. I went into shock and flatlined but survived. When I woke up, I felt weaker.
Ang sabi ng doktor ay normal lang na manghina ako dahil sa surgery. I was so fragile and weak yet they commended my heart for being brave to survive on the first surgery.
I wanted so much to hope but the next surgeries would be riskier now and I was not sure if I could still make it. I wanted to make sure I wouldn't leave my loved ones hoping for me, so I decided to write every day every time God would grant me another day of waking up.
Yakap-yakap ko habang nakahiga sa kama ang notebook ko simula noong high school pa ako. It was the notebook where I used to write all my unforgettable moments with Atlas and my friends, hanggang ngayon nga ay narito pa rin at nakaipit ang rosas na ibinigay sa akin ng asawa ko noong bata kami.
This became my safe haven for times, even when I was alone. The happiness, the heartbreaks, pained, and hope were written here.
I was still praying and hoping that I'd survive this, I was still hoping to have more decades with my husband, friends, loved ones, or even children—but I should ready myself and not only hope.
Ayokong iiwan ko ang asawa kong umaasa sa akin kaya nagsulat ako at hinihiling ko'y sana ay 'wag niyang mabasa dahil malalagpasan ko ito.
"Bibi..." I called him while he was lying beside me on the hospital bed, ang ulo ko ay nasa kanyang braso, ang kanyang kamay ay nasa gilid lamang para hindi masagi ang aking dibdib.
He was sleeping soundly. He just helped in a twelve-hour surgery kaya pagod na pagod ang asawa ko at pagkarating sa akin ay humalik, saglit na naglambing at mabilis na nakatulog.
"Atlas Montezides," I whispered his name, staring at his closed eyes while slowly touching his nose. "Mahal na mahal kita."
I smiled while memorizing his face, marahang ibinaba ang ulo para hagkan ang kanyang labi bago bumulong.
"I just want to tell you na...ikaw din. Ikaw din ang mundo ko," I whispered, marahang kinuha ko ang notebook na matagal ko nang itinatago at marahang inilagay sa tabi ko.
I flinched when I felt my chest hurt, medyo bumilis din ang aking paghinga kaya pumikit ako nang mariin. I slowly took my husband's hand and brought it on my lips to kiss the ring binding us together.
"Mahal na mahal kita, mundo ko," I whispered.
I felt my body start feeling numb, mas sumakit ang aking dibdib at nang medyo nagdilim ang paningin ay pumikit ako at mahigpit na hinawakan ang kanyang kamay, hoping it would wake him up because I could find my voice anymore.
I closed my eyes when my hearing started fading. My breath quickened as I gripped my husband, embracing him, remembering the words I had written–the words I wished he'd never get to read but I guess...
To the bravest man I know,
Goodbye.
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