Chapter 5
Author's Note: thanks for voting, here is the next chapter as promised. Hope you like it. Don't forget to leave a vote.
Chapter 5
I am not sure what I witnessed and why it gutted me so much. My only excuse for the shock and dismay I felt was that I didn't know P'Arthit was with someone. He didn't tell me. I was taken by the surprise at seeing P'Arthit with someone else. The picture never even passed my mind and it was a lot harder to swallow than I cared to admit.
Then what was that about Ariel? Why did he act that way when he already had someone by his side? It was so annoying that I knew P'Arthit had used this to provoke me and yet I couldn't help being provoked. Anyway, there was nothing I could do about his provocation.
Despite coming to that realization I still decided to ignore him, as pay back for how he treated me when I first told him about Ariel. When we were working together I talked only about business, but with the others around it wasn't like I could talk about anything else. It made no difference but I didn't joke or smile like I did before. The feeling was working under the surface to a full blown silent treatment, but I wasn't good at it. Even as I tried to maintain it, I was also suffering.
Puna, P'Arthit's girlfriend all this while, noticed that I wasn't smiling to P'Arthit, to anyone honestly, and asked, "Kongpob, are you feeling okay."
We were done with the meeting and just stepping out of the conference room. I glanced over her shoulder and spotted P'Arthit watching us. When he saw my eyes looking over, he pretended to be deeply in conversation with another work colleague.
I bit the inside of my lip contemplatively and answered Puna, "I'm fine thank you. I guess I am just feeling a little under the weather today. Do you know anywhere a person can go to unwind around here?" she had no idea that I lived my whole life in Bangkok and I was quite familiar with the place.
She smiled and nodded, "I know tons of places..."
"Great, you can take me with you after work today, can't you?" my smile was intentionally charming and I let my eyes go over to P'Arthit casually. He was watching with a very intent gaze.
Puna was reluctant but she was a girl who liked to please. She also wasn't the type of girl I could have imagined P'Arthit dating. She had long straight brown hair, brown eyes looking through thick glasses and freckled skin. I guess she was pretty, but in a conservative sort of way. I wondered what was attractive about her to P'Arthit.
Once I was away from her and in my office, effectually able to focus on work, it didn't take long for P'Arthit to locate me. He came in without knocking and closed the door with strained politeness.
I raised my head just as he said, "What are you doing?"
"Um, working. It's something that we do here," I said as if I was explaining to a brain damaged person.
He got angry fast and walked around the table to pull my chair roughly towards him. "I'm serious, Kongpob. Why did you invite Puna out with you?"
"She is my work colleague, I felt like bonding with her. " He seemed skeptical so I added, "also I want to know what you see in her."
As expected, his nose flared and he glared." are you insane. How is it your business what I see in her?"
"I'm just curious," I said and shrugged, "I didn't know that she was your girlfriend on time otherwise I would have gone and made friends with her."
He had a face full of painful regret and said almost grudgingly. "I don't know what you are planning Kongpob, but don't tell her anything she doesn't need to know."
"Oh," I heard the word echo, "so you haven't told her." I don't know why that pleased me.
"Don't smile, don't smile," he glared.
I let my smile fall and put on a serious face, "I'm not smiling."
"You haven't told Ariel either."
"Yeah," I admitted.
"Why is that anyway, really?"
I saw an opportunity to pull one over him and said, "Because... it's been eight years, P'Arthit, it doesn't mean anything to me anymore."
His eyes narrowed. I didn't see the hurt that I was expecting to see. That was disappointing but it was also okay, at least P'Arthit has put me behind him. For a moment I had almost hoped that he... wait, did I just say hoped? I laughed internally at my thoughts. I actually meant feared. I feared that P'Arthit might still... well it doesn't matter anymore.
"Right, okay," he said.
"What about you, why haven't you told Puna?"
"Because it's personal and Puna and I only started out a few months ago."
"Ah I see," I nodded and leaned forward a little. P'Arthit was still standing in front of me and I was looking up at him. "Aside from Puna have you been with other people." I didn't mean the question to come out like that but it sounded loaded and from the light flush on P'Arthit's ears, he heard it too.
"What are you thinking Kongpob," he pushed my head away and messed up my hair in retaliation. I laughed and pushed his hand off.
"Your mind is in the gutter P'Arthit, I meant how many people have you dated since we broke up."
"Not so loud, Kongpob, everyone would hear you,"
He was avoiding the question but I let it drop and said, "
If you are really worried I would say something you don't want me to you can come along with Puna today."
He sighed and walked towards the door then he gave me one last glance, opened the door and walked out.
I didn't know what P'Arthit planned until when I showed up to pick Puna and he told me she had a lot left to do. Was he really afraid that I would say something to Puna? It can't be. He said he would be her replacement and really I didn't mind so we went out. At first it was a little awkward. I knew P'Arthit didn't like going to bars and didn't like drinking, yet he stayed with me while I drank. I cajoled him into taking some shots with me and that threw some of the awkwardness away.
"I still have to visit the site for the materials that we need for the project, I am so not looking forward to that journey," P'Arthit was saying as he prepared to take another sip from his beer.
"Oh yyeah, sorry we saddled you with a lot of the leg work," I said.
"Well... I think it would be good for me. I haven't been out of Bangkok in a while."
"Why not? "
"I have been busy, pursuing my career."
I remembered that before I left for Chicago eight years ago, P'Arthit had been working with Ocean Electric and he had been just an average employee, now he was a director. I smiled to myself.
"What is that smile," he asked, tucking one hand under his face to study me.
"Nothing. Do you need company?"
"Puna would follow me but..."
"She has a lot of work to do at the office. So you were planning on going alone?"
"Not my first time. Why are you asking Kongpob, do you want to come with me."
I shrugged. P'Arthit pulled in a breath and sat straight. "Tell me honestly, Kongpob, do you really think that this is going to work?" I pretended to have no idea about what he was talking about and he groaned in frustration at me. "Come on, Kongpob. I didn't want to say this but you... you aren't being honest with me."
"P'Arthit, I don't know what you mean."
He rolled his eyes, "earlier, you said that I mean nothing to you."
"I didn't quite put it like that."
"Yeah. Does that mean that you don't think about our past?"
I pulled in a breath and looked directly at him. "I do."
P'Arthit hadn't expected my honest answer so he stared at me caught off guard then he said, "What do you think about, when you do?" in a really quiet and soft voice.
The air around us felt a little charged but I walked through it with ease. "I think about how you like to pick on me for what I eat. How you complained at me and called me a rich prince but you are a slob and I take care of you." His face started to turn defensive the air relaxing a little.
"How you would blame me for making you wake up late and all the places we used to hang out. I think about how easy it is to get you riled up."
He slapped me on my shoulder for no reason and I laughed only for him to slap me again. "I am not the Arthit you remember, I don't get riled up so don't even bother."
I chuckled and watched the side of his face as he focused on something to his left, then I leaned forward and said next to his ears, knowing my breath would brush his lobe. "Is that really true, P'Arthit?"
As I expected, he swatted at me and covered his ticklish and red ears, "what, what?" he looked bewildered which made it all the funnier. And he says I can't get him riled up. Once he figured it out, he tried to hit me but I got up and said, "Let's go P'Arthit."
P'Arthit allowed me to take us out of the club while telling me about his nerves of steel.
"But your ears are still ticklish," I told him. He covered his face, embarrassed.
"Don't abuse it like before," he turned to glare at me. His nose was slightly flushed, I could tell P'Arthit was tipsy. He was always such a lightweight.
"Do you need me to hold you," I said when he staggered.
"No way, I can walk on my own," he said typically. I let him walk a bit before pulling him back from walking into the motorcycle driving by.
"Stay close to me at least," I said and suddenly there was a smile on his face. "What?" I questioned.
"You said stay close to me. You lose."
At first it was hard to understand then I recalled a game we had between us. P'Arthit wasn't the most affectionate person I have ever met. He cared but he hardly said so and I showed my affection too much. He called me cheesy and asked me how I could I live with the things I say, so we played a how-long-till-I-say something sweet game. I lasted a whole day until I said, "Stay close to me, "or something similar. P'Arthit counted it as sweet and that made me lose.
I chuckled, "we weren't playing," I said.
"I think about that..." he said and lowered his eyes to me then away, "about how we play. I miss it." that last part was said so softly it nearly got lost in his breathing.
I could have pretended not to hear, after all it would be awkward to talk about our past and what it had meant to us, but I didn't listen to caution. "Is that all you miss?"
He looked at me for one silent moment and my heart pounded a little harder than I wanted. The fact that I was this anxious to hear his response startled me. P'Arthit didn't respond though. he pulled away looking a lot sober.
"Kongpob, I think it's best if we stay clear off memory lane."
"Why," I pushed, my mouth completely working on autopilot. Of course we should stir clear of the past. "Do you still have feelings for me?" I half meant it as a joke but the other half of me was really asking.
He threw me an incredulous look, "what?"I shook my head to take it back but he continued, "It's been eight years like you said, Kongpob. It doesn't mean anything to me anymore."
I didn't recover fast from that one. He used my own words against me and I got hurt, he didn't. For the first time, I consider if I wasn't risking too much starting this thing with P'Arthit.
Arthit
The words came out without my permission yet I was glad I said it. I can't believe I admitted that to Kongpob. How mortifying. Kongpob was still behind me, his shoulders slumped. He looked almost hurt. I said that to be harsh and to run away from how warm and happy having Kongpob's eyes on me and his smiles made me feel. How easy it was to be around him.
When I was with the people I tried to date in the past, first men then women, I never felt what I feel when I am with Kongpob. This completeness. There was no one I enjoyed being with than him. He made it so easy.
Yet we are supposed to be friends, according to Kongpob. It galled me that he was so unaffected whereas around him I couldn't control myself; words slipped out, smiles I couldn't hide came out. I was helpless at controlling how he made me feel and I was supposed to believe that he felt nothing?
When we kept walking in silence it started to feel uncomfortable. I looked back at him a few times and said, "What I meant was... it's not that I don't..."
"I understand completely, P'Arthit. I said it to you so yeah, I know."
"But you got hurt," I said, coming to a stop. I turned around and waited till he was in front of me. "Tell me that it didn't hurt you even a little."
He shrugged and sniffed, then he met my eyes. "What do you want me to say, P'Arthit?"
"That despite how long it's been there is something still there."
"If I admit that," he stepped closer, looked away for moment then held my eyes intently, "will that make you happy? "
I didn't reply. I was too overcome by my attraction to him. I wanted to kiss him. He was close enough too and his lips kept drawing my attention. I licked my lips unable to help it. I was still so drawn to him, nothing has changed about that. No, it has become stronger. I could almost feel the need to connect with him like a physical pull, and it didn't help that I could remember vividly how good it feels to kiss him, how wonderful it was to be touched by him. I pulled in a breath like it could help me gain control. There was a thin line here, if I crossed it, there might not be a way to come back.
"P'Arthit, we broke up and all I can remember is the pain."
"What," I blinked at him, the feeling of being drawn fading a little.
"Yeah, I remember how you left Chicago, that must have been when it happened. When we broke up. You left in anger P'Arthit and it hurt and I am finally over it and living my life, but as long as we have to work together then we have to do something about our history together."
I shook my head and stepped closer still so he would see that those accusing words did not intimidate me even a little. "This isn't about our past, Kongpob. It is about right now, how we feel right this moment."
"No," he shook his head and turned away.
"At least admit it, even to yourself that you feel something for me."
The silence was filled by the sound of cars rushing by, the honking and buzzing to the city around us. Kongpob stared at me without words for a moment then he said, "No, P'Arthit. I don't have to do that. For me, it's been eight years, we loved each other, it ended and now, I am just trying to be a friend and keep this project from falling sideways. Anything else is out of the question."
"Okay," I swallowed and hid the pain before I could feel it. "The project is important to me too but I don't think I can be around you because unlike you, this affects me."
He smiled, "but you've always been good at controlling your feelings, P'Arthit. You don't let them keep you from doing the things you need to do."
Was he calling me cold hearted? I swallowed again and looked at the light across the road, "sure, but even this is too hard for me. I ..." my voice caught a bit. Wow, this was hurting me a bit too much. "I am going to go home now. Just don't follow me."
He didn't and I walked home alone wondering what that had been about. Why was he unable to admit that he felt something? Unless he didn't feel something and I was just projecting my own feelings on him. But he had been jealous of Puna, I was sure of it.
When I got home I wasn't sure of anything about Kongpob anymore, but I was certain of one thing, if I am the only one being affected by our closeness, then I can't keep being around Kongpob. He at least had to understand that.
But Kongpob didn't understand that, he called me just as soon as I got into my house. I was tempted not to answer yet I did on the third ring.
"Yes," I said into the phone and kicked the door close.
"I'm sorry," he whispered.
"What?" I blinked into the darkness.
"I am in denial, I know that. "
"Okay," I said slowly and went ahead to turn on the light. The white light flooded my living room and I placed my bag on the stool next to the kitchen counter.
"You are right," he said, "I do feel something."
I paused and waited but he said no more, "that's good for you Kongpob, you are no longer lying to yourself."
"I just don't want to. I thought I moved on from you, I thought that everything between us was history but then I start remembering the past and I think to myself, I was really happy with you, P'Arthit and I don't want to think like that."
"I know, I think that too." I exhaled and dropped on the couch in the living room. "It was good between us."
"But we broke up and now we are working on something very important. The last thing I want is a scandal getting in the way or a distraction, P'Arthit."
"Yeah, me neither."
"So I am begging you to let it go. Help me let it go."
I sighed incredulously, "how am I supposed to do that."
"By not bringing it up and just pretending at least to be, if not friends, then acquaintances."
I said nothing in reply and the clock ticked on the wall in front of me. I wasn't actually saying that we should get back together; at least I didn't think I was. I just wanted Kongpob to stop acting like he just wanted to be friends with me, and that he didn't feel anything but now that he admits it and still wants to keep doing this friends thing, what was I supposed to say.
Bạn đang đọc truyện trên: Truyen3h.Co