This is how it should be
Author' Note: here is the next chapter. Thanks for voting and liking my story and supporting this. Since I've gotten us this far I will see it to the end. Please read and enjoy. Don't forget to leave a vote if you are happy with this so far.
Chapter 8
We didn't find a hotel. The area was small to begin with. I had my suspicion when we lost P'Arthit's reservation. Now, what to do? We were walking down the street busy with tourist life. It was alive with lights and music coming from the many stores along the road. The time was past nine already and I knew P'Arthit was hungry. I was too but when I was this aware of P'Arthit's discomfort and the fact that I was partly responsible for it, I couldn't feel hunger at the moment.
"Maybe we should drive out of town a little, I'm sure we will find somewhere to stay."P'Arthit didn't answer me. I knew he was upset with me but I didn't think it would keep him from talking to me. I sighed and let my shoulder sag.
"Are you hungry?" he asked all of a sudden, after three minutes of silence. "That place looks like a great place to eat. There is a beach close by too, maybe we could drive the car out there and stay the night." P'Arthit was pointing to a little cozy restaurant by the beach.
He turned to me and I held his gaze. Whatever he saw made him avoid them. "Sorry I am putting you through this," he said.
"What—it's not your fault." I didn't realize he was also blaming himself. Maybe I was wrong and reading too much into this. I knew P'Arthit never wanted me along for the ride, yet I was gleeful when he had no other choice but to accept my help.
I smiled a little and he held my gaze, somehow the feeling on my shoulder, and on his shoulder likely, eased up. "Okay, P'Arthit. I am actually really hungry. I think my insides are twisting," I said with a simple expression.
His eyes widen, "why didn't you say something. Come on." We walked the short distance into the restaurant and ordered something to eat. When I made my suggestion again about driving out of town, it was like P'Arthit had not heard it before. He must have been thinking up a solution when I asked. He said we couldn't go out of town for fear that we might miss our client.
After dinner, with my was stomach full and satisfied with my cravings of Thai food, the two of us drove to the beach. There was an all-night bar close by and its light was casting a bright ray on one side of the beach. There were other people scattered around the beach too, foreigners.
P'Arthit and I sat on the bonnet of the car and I said, "You know what would make time go faster?" he looked at me, "beer. I would like to drink at least one beer."
"Then it would be like the movies," he said with a wry smile on his lips that I couldn't stop staring at. "You know, we get drunk and one of us, definitely you, does something stupid."
"And then you would follow along with my stupidity." I laughed, "What does that make you?"
He pouted slightly and said brusquely, "I will be the one reining you in, reminding you that you have a girlfriend."
The smile fled my face. I didn't tell Ariel until I was on the road that I was going with P'Arthit. She took it well, but there was a tiny edge in her voice that I knew I would have to work hard to ease away. "Right."
We fell into silence for a moment and I couldn't just keep quiet. "How did you meet Puna?" I asked, thinking I must be sadistic because I didn't want to hear about P'Arthit's new love, almost as much as I didn't want to tell him about me and Ariel.
"Why do you want to know?" I thought he would leave it like at that but he continued, "It was nothing epic. She worked as a secretary for the previous director and when I got promoted she became my secretary. "
"So normal," I said with an insincere smile. He laughed and looked at me with the expression I tried to think as irritated to ignore what it did to me inside. It was both exasperation and... and... adoration. To be still adored by P'Arthit, my heart clenched longingly. I can't believe I want that.
"Not every relationship starts the way ours did," he said, still smiling. "Not everybody can pull of ignorant hero."
"Ignorant hero?" I raised a provoking eyebrow, "you are one to talk, you were a tyrant."
"I don't deny it," he smiled. "But you can be so stubborn, Kongpob."
"Says the most stubborn man I have ever met. "
"I have to be stubborn to match your level of stubborn or we would never be equal." He paused and looked in my eyes with this acknowledging look, "maybe that's why we didn't work."
"No," I replied and shook my head, "I can handle how stubborn you are P'Arthit because... you complete me."
He laughed echoingly, "present tense."
"I won't deny that you did complete me, and probably always will, P'Arthit."
He studied me, "if I complete you then what does Ariel do?"
My eyes widen, I hadn't contemplated that part or how it sounded. Before I could regroup and avoid saying anything more stupid, P'Arthit said, "Do you love her, Kongpob?"
I didn't answer. My eyes cast to the black ocean before us, the moon at its horizon. Did I love Ariel? Well, I do. She was there for me when I was at my lowest. She didn't have any reason to stay with me the way she did but she did anyway and I am so indebted to her because she saved me from ruining my life over P'Arthit.
"When you left Chicago," I started, still looking forward. There was a couple walking holding hands across the beach and two other people seating on the sand. "I was devastated. That was when we broke up, it has to be it. You remember our quarrel?"
He didn't answer but I knew his mind was on it. he was thinking about the fact that he called me insanely ambitious, that he saw all my actions as an attempt to get further and further away from him when all I wanted was to pursue a career that I loved and would help me in becoming the best partner to him. P'Arthit didn't see it that way at all and I couldn't understand why it was so wrong to do the things I did. It got so bad to the extent that P'Arthit actually suspected me of cheating on him. I had never cheated on P'Arthit, ever. I knew that P'Arthit got jealous easily and would read a lot into my interactions with people but I thought he trusted me. He had to know how much I loved him, what I would give to be with him and to never lose him, but the more we stayed together in Chicago, the more we hurt each other. I may have accused P'Arthit of having no ambitions and of hampering mine. We hurt each other and then P'Arthit left.
I never thought that he would do that and it was the biggest hit I had ever suffered. The most painful experience I have ever endured and I nearly didn't survive it. P'Arthit gave up on me and walked out and I had to let him go because I knew if I chased him he would find more ways to hurt me until we were destroyed everything good about us and our relationship and all that was the left was ashes. I couldn't have endured that along with everything else so I didn't chase him and he didn't come back. I thought I would be okay, but I nearly ruined myself.
"Ariel was there for me," I said. "You know, I nearly quit my schooling, nearly became an alcoholic and nearly ruined my whole life over it. "He exhaled next to me and I looked at him. "I'm not blaming you, we did that to each other and it goes to show that loving someone isn't as great as people like to think it is. Sometimes all you need is gratitude."
I was grateful to Ariel and I know that isn't enough reason to date someone but she means a lot to me, she saved my life, my future so therefore she owns it.
"Kongpob—"
"So I am going to ask her to marry me," I said with a smile and met his eyes. They were blown apart and the shock on his face was obvious. "She has done so much for me, if it isn't her then I don't know anyone else I can marry."
Arthit
I sat on the sand letting the water from the ocean lap at my naked feet. The moon was high in the sky, the beach now deserted. Kongpob had gone to the bar after the awkwardness became too much.
"So I am going to ask her to marry me..."
Those words destroyed me. I rubbed my face and tried to breathe through my mouth. It was okay. Kongpob was leaving in a week and some days. He would be gone from my life and this pain I was feeling along with him.
He would marry her. Come on Arthit, you knew that this was going to happen didn't you. Isn't that why you got on that plane? Isn't that why you left? I shook my head and lowered them trying to breathe a little slower. Now that Kongpob was gone I didn't have to pretend that I was unaffected, I can let go now... except I can't. Why is this hurting so much? Eight years, Arthit, it's been eight years. I let him go, I did it. Not for the reasons Kongpob thinks but that fact is true and I have lived with. I was okay and I will be okay.
He will be someone else's. He is someone else's. He doesn't belong to me anymore and I shouldn't be this afraid, this in pain over it.
I exhaled and rolled my head back, closed my eyes and breathe deeply. It's okay. This is how it is supposed to be; the only difference was that I wasn't supposed to know about it. The only difference was that he should have been thousands of miles away from me. The only difference was that I wasn't supposed to see him and discover that I will never stop loving him, that I will never be happy without him.
It was coming, the tears. I can't, not now. He would know if I cried over this and the last thing I wanted was to talk about this. I never should have asked that question. Alright. I pressed into my eyes and held there for a few moments. Now be okay, Arthit.
He returned while I was sleeping in the car. I had pushed the chair back and lay back with a hand over my eyes, but I wasn't sleeping deeply. I sensed him moving around, smelled the beer and felt the warmth of his body as he settled near. I didn't have to look to know he was a little too close. His burning body pressed to my side and I lowered my hands. Our eyes met.
"Are you okay, P'Arthit," he slurred.
I didn't answer for a moment then he peered forward. I thrust out a hand to keep his face away. "I'm okay," I said.
"I thought I hurt you," he said.
"You didn't."
The silence stretched and then he did something that made me go stiff. He breathes in and pressed my hand to his face. "You smell good, P'Arthit." I swallowed and stayed very quiet as I watched him.
"Your cologne. Do you know... that when I smell it now anywhere I get this pull of saliva in the back of my throat? The same type people get when they are hungry and smell food. I would..." he laughed, "I would distract myself but all I really wanted to do was find you, anywhere you were and kiss you for your life's worth. I would have this crazy image of holding you against a wall as I kissed you with eight years of longing."
"Stop it," I said.
He fell silent only breathing for a long moment. I should pull my hand away, he was still cradling it but I could pull it away. "P'Arthit, I didn't know that I would feel like this. I didn't know that it would be this hard and yet," he smiled, "yet I still want to see you, I still want to hear your voice. You push me away and like an idiot, I keep coming back. I will never know any peace, I will never be free of my pathetic love for you. It would haunt me, and ruin me and I will still come back. I am foolish aren't I."
His tears warmed my hand. "I'm foolish for not being able to get over the man who hurt me more than anyone."
"Kongpob, don't say anymore—"he pushed forward and I couldn't stop him. His lips were on mine in moments, his body pressing against me with warmth and the smell of beer. And it was so devastatingly good. I touched his hair, his skin. Tasted his mouth, opened and took as deeply as I could then I pulled away. It was with shock and dismay. I didn't even know when I started kissing back. He started reaching for me again.
"Kongpob! You are drunk, get some sleep." I said, opened the door, stepped out into the open air and I escaped him.
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