Chapter 16
author's note: hey guys. I have been away for a while and I know that you guys are waiting for me to update but I'm sorry guys, I have lost most of my inspiration for this story. being busy isn't enough of an excuse anymore. I still want to finish it though so I'll keep posting but the posting date is unknown.
keep reading and i hope you enjoy the story.
Chapter 16
I should have pulled back immediately I felt Rin kissing me. I don't know why I stayed there and let it happen. My heart was beating a little fast and I was trying not to think.
She pulled away slowly, keeping her eyes closed for a moment longer than was necessary which made me hope that when those eyes opened she would laugh and tell me that it was a joke and I was a fool for falling into it. I would sigh and laugh back and this would be forgotten, only called upon to embarrass one another.
When her eyes open I felt that hope plummet like a rock into a deep ocean. Her black eyes were unwavering, holding mine steadily. She wasn't saying anything and I was speechless.
A minute or so of this, we were interrupted by my mother. "Everything alright? Why are the two of you just staring at each other? "
I blinked then, pulled away and tried not to notice Rin's downcast expression. "I'm going to..."
No excuse came to mind and so I just left without meeting anyone's eyes. When I entered my room and sat on the bed, I felt like all the strength in me slipped out of me.
Rin must have been joking right? I have never done anything, never treated her specially. When my mother decided to take her in, it wasn't my suggestion even though I was grateful that Rin was living with us and not out on the street. I have always favored her, cared for her. She was the only girl I ever let get close to me and the only one I felt the most comfortable. She knew everything there was to know about me. she was my best friend and that best friend was in love with me.
The ground opened before me stretching beyond what I can see. I don't know what I am going to do. Obviously I... I don't love Rin, but can I tell her that? With everything going on, can I break her heart? What if doing that breaks her? I might not be in love with her but I love her and want to protect her. I don't know what she would do if I reject her now. It must have taken her a lot of courage to confess this to me.
But what if her brother had not come in to the picture? The timing of Rin's confession seemed a little convenient. Maybe she was lying about it and she just wants someone to rely on. I can be that person for her, I think. Or maybe I am over thinking it. Rin needs protection but she would already know that I would protect her even if she wasn't in love with me.
At the knock on my door, I jumped. My mom poked her head in. "hey."
"Hey."
"Are you alright?"
I didn't answer her and lowered my eyes to the floor. I said nothing when the door opened further and she walked in. she remained quiet and sat next to me.
The words were drawn out of me before I could help it. "you know, Rin told me she's in love with me."
"Yeah. I know. I heard."
I didn't look up. "You know, you heard," I repeated as if wanting the definition of the words.
"I know that Rin likes you, has liked you for a long time. I also happen to be close by when she was..."
"Kissing me. " I let out a rush of air from my nostrils.
"You had no idea, "she said in a clear tone of realization.
"No... wait—"I finally looked at my mom. "You thought I knew about this?"
"Well, it was plain to see."
"Not to me. I had no idea, I never even thought about her that way."
"Never?" at her tone I met her eyes and became hesitant. Something told me my mother wanted something from me. "Is she... unattractive to you?"
"Mom, you know that is not what I meant?" I said shaking my head.
"I know, you just never found her attractive."
"Rin is... pretty. Even I have noticed something like that but not in the same way any other guy would. I just thought of her as my best friend."
"Yes. To be honest Arthit, I thought you were pretending not to know because you can't return her feelings and I was angry at you, which now that I think about it, was unfair. You don't have to love someone simply because they love you. It's too unfair to blame anyone for being unable to return someone's love. But you know how I love Rin,"
"Yes."
"Like my own daughter and I could see happiness right in front of her, I just became unnecessarily angry. I am sorry Arthit. I will leave you now to continue thinking but just know that neither Rin nor I would think any differently of you no matter what you decide to do."
She got up and made for the door but I said, "I don't know what to do," stopping her from leaving. "I don't have any idea how to respond to this. I need your help, mom."
She blinked, her eyes flickered away and back. "I thought the answer would be easy since you love Kongpob, don't you?"
My cheeks burned with embarrassment. "Yeah. Um... yeah. I think I do."
"You think?"
The breath got trapped in my lungs with the difficulty of talking about this. It was too strange talking about Kongpob with my mom. "hm, yeah. Sometimes he makes me very upset and furious."
"But you still love him and want to be with him."
"Look mom, what does that have to—"
"You have your answer then. You should always choose love." She turned to leave.
"He doesn't love me. " the words felt like they tore my throat apart just to get out. "Kong, he can never love me back."
"Are you sure."
I nodded and tried to smile but the attempt failed and fell into a depressed frown. My mother returned to my side as if sensing my repressed pain."I'm so sorry to hear that, Arthit."
"it's fine, " I hastily put in. "I'm over it so you don't have to worry."
"I thought perhaps you had hope of being with him that was why you let him get close to you."
"it's complicated." I didn't want to explain the weird relationship I had with Kongpob. First, I didn't think she would understand and I didn't want her to judge my decision. Second I was still too uncomfortable telling her how I failed in love, defeated by a person who wasn't even in the picture yet.
"Then where does that leave you?"
"Nowhere."
We stared at each other wordlessly then my mother started to shake her head, reading something from my expression.
"No Arthit."
"It's the only way."
"No. I am pretty sure when Rin confessed to you she wasn't expecting this. "
"But I can give it to her. You told me."
Her breath cut off abruptly, then she sighed. "That was me being unnecessarily irritated. I didn't know what I was saying."
"Rin needs this, you know it."
She paused and bit the inside of her mouth. "What about Kongpob?"
"What about him?"
"You don't really know that he won't return your feelings."
I jerked angrily away, scowling now and trying hard to keep anger from my voice. "I already told you, that is not going to happen."
"What about some day you find someone else you love more. Where would that leave Rin?"
"Mom," I turned and held her hand, hoping that she would trust me because I have never meant anything more than the next words I was going to say. "If it isn't Kongpob, then it has to be Rin. There is no one who can come and change this. I may not love her now but I will do my best to give her as much love as I can."
"That isn't the kind of love Rin wants though."
"Let me ask her first. If she says no then we'll think of something else."
My mother looked uneasy for a moment, her eyes downcast. I thought she wouldn't agree but then she nodded. My relief was palpable. "Let's leave it to Rin then. I can't be the one that takes away her happiness. "
I nodded.
Rin said yes and now we are planning for a wedding. Within the few months I was also going to be graduating and getting into my father's work fully. Of course, it goes without saying that my father doesn't know about the wedding and isn't invited. We are going to move before the wedding where Rin's brother would never find us.
I thought I had everything well thought out until that night in Kongpob's place. Kongpob dangled what I wanted, what I have wanted since that night in that island four years ago in front of me and I caved. I hate to admit it but I fell hard in hunger and want of him. The thought of Rin, of the wedding I pushed myself, fell away like brittle walls. And then Kongpob took it away again and the pain was like a punch in the gut. It hurt enough to actually make it difficult for me to walk home that day.
It was then I realized that my feelings for Kongpob were going to drive me insane. I wanted him so bad that I was ready to betray my mother and Rin without thought. I was ready to abandon everything I cared about just to have one taste of Kongpob. And you know what the worst part is. The worst part is knowing that if it happened, I wouldn't regret it nor would I take it back.
I can't be Kongpob's friend. I can't be Kongpob's anything and to recover from that blow I decided to never see him again. He made that very easy by not showing up even once for nearly two weeks. When it was climbing towards the third week I almost deleted his number.
Many times, when I am done calling someone I would scroll to it and hover on it then closed the app without deleting it. When I thought of what he did to me that day, I would go for the number, and still, even with well-deserved anger scouring my veins, I still was unable to delete it and so I felt powerless. I didn't even trust myself to push him away if he ever dared to show up so I told Rin to hasten the wedding.
"Why, " she asked, her eyes lifting from the book.
"We are moving away soon, right? I think it would be better if we were married before moved into a new neighborhood. Fresh start and everything."
"hmm." Her smile strained. "Is that the only reason?"
"What other reason could there be."
"The reason that is keeping Kongpob away."
I was by the kitchen cutting myself a sandwich and it was a rare work-free Sunday. My hand paused on the bread, my heart skipping a beat at the mere mention of his name. "Is there a question there somewhere?"
"Yea. What happened after you and Kongpob discussed it? You've refused to tell me."
"That's because it's not any of your business, leave it alone."
"It's bad huh."
"It's bad and I don't want to talk about it."
"I have a few guesses."
A growl escaped my lips before I could stop it, my anger hot and ready to pop. "I told you to leave it alone."
"Okay fine. But if we are pushing the wedding backwards or forward, whatever, we need to at least date. You still treat me like your best friend."
"You are my best friend," I said without thinking and nearly bit my tongue off.
"But I am soon to be your wife, so let's at least go on some dates.
"dates." I repeated the foreign word. I have never been on dates, except the one with Kongpob which barely counted. I wouldn't know what to do.
"Sound a little more excited why don't you." Rin laughed and sat up before spurring into this long story about where she would like to go. Siam being one of them. I can't remember when I last visited Siam besides when driving by it.
"Sounds good, " I said. "I'm free now if you want to do it."
She laughed again. "I'm free now if you want to do it. This isn't just another hang out you know, we will get to hold hands and actually be a couple."
I fought back a cringe and avoided her eyes.
"Is holding hands with me that disgusting?" I could tell her eyes were narrowed without looking.
"It would be like holding hands with my sister."
"From what I know about your actual sister I hope you are kidding."
"Oh yes, definitely."
Thinking about Paula. No, let's not think about Paula. That person was dead to me as far as I am concern.
"Then we practice until it doesn't make you make that face."
"Got it. Let's go then."
"Like that?" she gave my outfit a disgusted look. I had my hair free, no gel, so my bangs were crowding up my forehead and I was wearing a slightly faded burgundy tee and khaki shorts. We weren't going very far though so it should be good, right?
"This is a date, Arthit. Put some effort." she clicked her tongue at me, rolled her eyes behind the frames, and got up to leave. "Be presentable when I get back, like a boyfriend impatiently waiting to spend time with his girlfriend."
I almost groaned out loud. Was Rin doing this on purpose to stress me out and make me call off the wedding? She agreed to the wedding soon enough but maybe she had some kind of plans to wear me out. Anyway, I am not calling off the wedding so she can do whatever she wants.
I tried not to let guilt weigh me as I went to get changed. After the unnecessary labor in getting my appearance into my everyday work appearance: sleek hair, ironed shirt sans tie, pin black trousers, and polished shoes, I came out. "Be grateful I already had this ready for tomorrow."
Rin was out of her room wearing short shorts, knee boots, and a flashy tunic top that exposed almost her entire belly. "Are you appropriately dressed?"
"I am, " she glared hotly, if eyes could spit fire I would be ash. " now compliment me."
"You look beautiful," I said automatically. She suddenly hooked my arm with hers and I had to do a double-take. Rin and I have never done that before.
"let's go."
And like that, we went on our first date.
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