Untitled Part 32
Chapter Thirty Two: A Conflict of Being
Hajime~
Hajime couldn't handle his furious instincts any longer, being around his teammates and their Omega counterparts had driven him into a state of near madness. It wasn't their fault, truly, it was no ones fault but his own-- his inability to control his Alpha inhibitions that had garnished so much trouble for him. While the source of his unchecked instincts was his absolute desire to be near his wounded Omega, the hospital had dismissed him for his inability to control them. He could have coped with that, but Oikawa's silence? Every text he sent had been left in the dark, every phone call unanswered-- he had no idea why. That fact alone had sent his feral nature into overdrive and it only grew worse after he was alerted, via Keiji's message, that the chestnut Omega was actually awake. Suddenly, he no longer had an excuse for the unanswered texts and phone calls-- he was being purposefully left in the dark.
"Hey, Hajime," Oikawa lightly chirped, from behind the oak door of his room-- he had smelled the Omega's approach, but he was too wrapped up in his own mind to move a muscle. "I'm, uh, entering. So make sure you're decent~"
Always with the chirps...even now. Why. Why. Why.
"Fancy seeing you here," the chestnut Omega continued with a nervous smile, lightly closing the door behind him. "How've you been? It's been a while..."
"How the fuck do you think," he growled in reply, balling his fists at his side as his instincts roared out a series of loud commands.
He wanted nothing more then to wrap Oikawa in his arms, check over his slender body for wounds, and scent his soft hair against his neck-- but, something was...off about the Omega's scent. It was uncertain and almost...combative. More so than the usual tough guy facade he so readily played up around others. It's ambiguous nature had Hajime squirming with renewed anxiety, wrenching forth his instincts to the foreground of his mind. What was going through his Omega's mind? Why was he on guard? Has he lost faith in him? In his ability to protect him? Had he found...another...Alpha...
"That bad, eh?" The chestnut Omega said with a shaky laugh, rubbing the back of his neck in an attempt to alleviate the stress that Hajime's domineering scent had caused.
"Why wouldn't it be," Hajime snarled, his eyes darting to the floor at the sight of the pale scar snaking up from under the Omega's eye.
Your fault, your FAULT, his instincts roared out, rattling his brain against his skull. YOU let this happen...unworthy. He will leave you. UNWORTHY.
"Stop looking at it," Oikawa hotly remarked when he noticed his dark eyes flicker away from his face. "If it bothers you so much, then stop look-"
"No," he growled, crossing his arms over his chest as he raked his dark gaze over the boy's pale face once more, challenging the words with action. "Why the fuck would I avoid looking at it, it's my-"
"Don't be all pissy about it, then! Just because I jumped in and attacked Kabuto! Get used to it! I'm not some helpless-"
"THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK!? THAT I'M ANGRY WITH YOU FOR ATTACKING KABUTO?!" Hajime roared, punching a fist into the nearest wall. "THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK?"
"WELL, WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK?!" Oikawa challenged back, his quivering voice raising in intensity as he saturated the air with his own anger. "You stand there, seeping out this atrocious scent of rage! Please, Hajime, enlighten me as to what it could possibly mean!"
"Can you turn off the sass for five minutes--"
"No. You should be used to it by now, just like you should be used to me taking care of myself when it comes to-"
"No, stop it! I'm trying to have a fucking civil conversation with you! Can you stop being so passive aggressive?!" Hajime shouted, taking a large step forward, his furious scent bursting forward with him. "For once in your fucking life, can you just--"
"I knew this fucking conversation shouldn't have happened, I fucking knew it!" Oikawa interjected, walking over to the black dresser, near the door. "I told them I needed more time, I fucking told them! But did they listen, no, of course not!" He muttered under his breath as he shuffled through the contents of the drawers.
"What are you doing..." Hajime growled, his scent whirling around, jumping between confusion and rage.
"Getting my stuff."
Getting his stuff? To leave? Of course...Hajime's instincts rattled around inside his head, vocalizing his deepest fear. You failed him...you are weak...
"Why," he snarled, swiftly crossing the dimly lit room to stand behind the chestnut Omega. "Why the fuck are you getting your stuff."
"You're mad and I don't want to have this conver-"
"So, that's it then. You're going to leave, just like that," he snarled in near roar, closing his hand into a crimson fist-- knuckles bleeding from their previous impact with the plaster. "I don't even understand what's going on with you and you're just going to leave."
"Yes."
"Oh," he drawled, rolling his darkening eyes-- he had been angry before, but now, with his feral nature screeching in his brain, he had fully devolved into a state of rage that completed clouded his conscious judgement. "Grow a fucking backbone!" He roared, the words not his own. "Conflict is everywhere. Learn how to-"
"I don't care about the conflict, Hajime! You heard what they said about me, but you're too fucking feral to even acknowledge it!" Oikawa exploded, snapping around to face him. "We're too busy arguing about stupid shit that shouldn't even matter!"
"What? What the fuck are you talking about?!"
"Kabuto, what he said, it's all true. I'm a well-used Omega. I...had my vices...and Kabuto was the one who made sure I had access to them, for a price."
Kabuto. Kabuto. Kabuto. Hearing the name curdled Hajime's insides, plummeting him into a pool of his worst fears.
"SO WHAT?" He snarled, his instincts guiding every vicious word. "IS THAT SERIOUSLY IT? IS HE WHY YOU HAVEN'T ANSWERED ANY OF MY TEXTS? ANY OF MY PHONE CALLS?"
"YES, OKAY, YES!" Oikawa yelled back, adjusting the bundle of balled up clothing against his chest. "IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR?! YES, I WAS SCARED TO TELL YOU. I WAS SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT."
Talk about what...? Hajime's conscious mind put forth, but the thought was slammed down by his instincts. To tell you that he's leaving you for a stronger Alpha...
"WHAT, ARE YOU CRAWLING BACK TO THAT FILTH OR SOMETHING?!" He roared, his shoulders bristling as his eyes fully darkened to their feral state. "FINE. GO. GO, THEN!"
"How dare you," Oikawa remarked, his tone laced with an intensely quiet hostility that freed Hajime from his instinctual mind.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. He should never have said that, he didn't mean for his insecurities to come barreling forth so readily. Oikawa was not his father. He was not his father. There was no reason to believe the Omega would cheat. They respected each other, had faith in each other. However...if that was true...they why had Oikawa shut him out? Left him stewing in his emotions in the dark?
"I guess the things you heard from them really hit home for you, hey," the chestnut Omega continued, his words pouring out with a hot liquid rage that shrivelled up Hajime's heart into a ball of ice.
"No. I don't care what they--"
"You think I would crawl back to that fucker? After everything he and his fuckhead friends have done?! I didn't know you thought so little of me."
It was a terrible misstep. He had ruined everything with a single, unchecked sentence. He had to fix things.
"Fuck, I didn't mean to say that," he growled as Oikawa moved towards the door. "I'm sorry, just, wait...just WAIT A SECOND. GIVE ME A CHANCE TO EXPLAIN."
Oikawa~
Oikawa was done waiting. He was not emotionally equipped to handle another rejection, especially from someone he had come to cherish so close to his heart. He had fully planned to keep both his drug addiction and sexual endeavors a complete and utter secret from Hajime-- and this was exactly why. People changed their behavior towards him once they found out about his past, they became ashamed of him, ashamed of being around him. His parents had done it, his old friends had as well. The only people who seemed to have the heart to look past it had been his nest-- a nest that he had hoped would extend out to include their new Alpha counterparts, but he was sorely mistaken.
He was ashamed of his behavior, there was no excuse for it, not even his young age. However, wasn't his own self-hatred enough? Why did other people have to grow ashamed of him, too. He had hoped that Hajime would understand and respect him, regardless of his past, but his harsh words did nothing but feed into Oikawa's own self-narrative-- maybe he truly was a filthy, well-used Omega after all. An Omega that no Alpha could ever want, not as a partner nor as a mate.
"Please," Hajime growled again, in almost a pleading whine. "I-I didn't mean that, just please, give me a chance to explain."
Standing like still water in front of the Alpha, Oikawa remained silent, unable to find words for his frantic thoughts. Even when dark eyes implored him to express his tumultuous emotions, he remained stoic, clasping onto the bundle of clothing in his hands as a barrier against the world.
"What I said has nothing to do with you," Hajime said in near whisper, breaking the uncomfortable silence. "Why are you so fucking sensitive about what they said?"
"Answering a question with a question, how very Hajime of you. I thought you were going to explain."
"I'll explain once you explain."
This was not working, Oikawa thought to himself with a small sigh, one of them was going to have to take a leap of faith...be the bigger person and express their feelings, but it was not going to be him-- not after what he had been accused of.
"That's ridiculous!" He said in an exasperated tone, attempting to push the fuming Alpha into a concession. "You can't bargain with me. Not after what you said!"
"I already told you that it was a mistake. What more do you want from me?" Hajime retorted, throwing his head back in frustration.
"An explanation, maybe?! You know, like the one you said you were going to give me?!"
"I deserve one from you, too!" The Alpha snarled, closing the small gap between them. "You kept me in the dark, no calls, no fucking texts, not even a fucking letter. Jesus christ! Do you even care about how I felt?!"
How...how had things become so warped between them? They had spun a web of deception against each other-- drawn their own conclusions in the absence of answers.
"Why are you so mad that I didn't respond? You know that I need time to myself after shit like this," Oikawa put forth, nearly shouting the words. He fiddled with the edges of his turquoise shirt, fearing the answer, but he had to change tactics or they would keep running around in circles with no resolution. "Why did you say that? Just, put it fucking plainly so we can be done with this shit."
The Alpha's scent was overbearing, frustrated, confused even-- its unusual disposition had him quivering with anxiety. He had promised Hajime that he wouldn't get involved in the fight with Kabuto, but how could he have changed the outcome? His Alpha, his, had been in a dangerous situation, he had to take action. There was no other option, he would have never forgiven himself had he stayed out of it. If Hajime was angry with his involvement, it added a new level of complexity to his already precarious situation-- Kabuto spilling out his past mistakes was just the surface of their problems.
"Are you done with your frantic self-reflection?" Hajime barked down at him after a few moments of eerie silence. "Can we continue?"
"Yes," Oikawa replied sarcastically with a half-smile, reminded of his Alpha's ability to read his mind so readily. "I am done, thank you."
Look..." The Alpha began, looking into his hazel eyes with vulnerable intensity. "I'm mad because--"
"If it's because I jumped in to fight-"
"I already told you, that's not it! Stop fucking interrupting me!" Hajime growled, throwing his hands up in exasperation. "Christ, would you put that shit down?! You're making me nervous," he continued in rumble, jerking his head at the bundle of articles in Oikawa's shaking hands.
Oikawa smirked, then dropped the clothing to the floor, scattering it in a heavy lump of fabric. "Why didn't you visit me at the hospital?"
"I got kicked out, you already know this. I couldn't control my temper," Hajime barked, his eyes darting to the mess Oikawa had made in his normally spotless room. "Why didn't you return my phone calls?" He growled, kicking the clothing underneath the bed.
Out of sight, out of mind, Oikawa thought with a small smirk, classic Hajime.
"I was nervous," he stated plainly, his hazel eyes darting off to the side in embarrassment-- why couldn't he vocalize his emotions? Had he really isolated them to such a degree that the idea of expressing them made him physically nauseous?
"Why. Why were you nervous."
Oikawa unleashed a heavy sigh, then looked up at the smooth ceiling. "Because, Hajime, I didn't want you to know about that shit. I thought it would change your perception of me, and it did! Just look what you accused me of..."
"You think you're the only one with a slutty past?!" Hajime roared, his scent suddenly pushing out with an vexed intensity that had Oikawa shriveling back against the oak door. "Why. The. Fuck. Does. It. Matter."
"Because I did things that I hate, okay!" Oikawa yelled back, pointing a finger up at the Alpha's tense face. "I wish it never fucking happened! I wish I could take it all back, but I can't!"
"So get over it! You're dragging in your own problems into our relationship! It has to fucking stop! You're making assumptions on how I'm going to react instead of just trusting me, and letting me react on my own! You're warping everything to suit this fucking narrative where everyone is ashamed of you!"
Making assumptions...trusting him...letting him react...warping things to suit his narrative. Fuck, fuck, fuck. The words echoed across his mind, taunting him with their honesty. Everything was his fault. Everything.
"I love you, Oikawa," Hajime continued with a domineering snarl, taking a large step forward into his personal space. "I can't fucking deal with the thought of you leaving. And for you to think that I would just walk away after hearing that stuff from such pathetic shitheads? It's fucking cruel of you. It's cruel."
I love you. Such tender words had never been spoken to him before-- aside from the obligatory ones from his parents and nestmates. He was momentarily taken aback, looking down at his feet in awe and embarrassment. Shame washed over him, not the shame he felt from his past, but a shame at letting his current actions be dictated by it.
"It's the truth," Hajime snarled, his feral energy pouring over Oikawa in intense droves of affirmation. "The absolute fucking truth and you need to hear it. I love you, and you're being cruel to me."
Oikawa's shoulders slumped at the words and he remained silent. His heart was pounding against his ribs and his chest constricted, starving him of air. He felt like he was drowning. The world around him blurring away until only a dull feeling of panic remained.
"WOULD YOU LOOK AT ME?" Hajime roared after a few minutes of tense silence. "SAY SOMETHING."
He flinched back at the volume and complied, hesitantly glancing up to look at the vicious boy standing before him. He lightly sniffed the air, unhappy to find that his own scent had become frantic in his dissociated state. Doing his best to reign it back in, he took a deep breath and rolled his shoulders to loosen his tense muscles.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, the sharp lines of his face hard with his seriousness. "I didn't...I didn't know, no, I didn't think about how my actions would affect you. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry."
"Oh, wow, good. So you were listening," Hajime sarcastically remarked and Oikawa huffed out a puff of frustrated air at the sly chirp.
"If you're going to keep being passive aggressive-"
"You're right, I didn't mean that, I'm sorry," the Alpha grumbled, sheepishly glancing off to the side. "It's just, I'm mad, okay? I'm mad that you let me sit and fester with my instincts for two days. You shouldn't have done that..."
"Okay, while I agree, I should've have done that," Oikawa chirped, wagging a narrow finger in front of him. "It was one day. I was unconscious for the first one, remember? Cut me, at least, a little slack."
"Fine, one day, then."
"And for that, I am sorry. It won't...um...happen again."
"Why the hesitation," Hajime put forth, eyeing him down with dark eyes, swirling with confusion.
"Because...I think it would be unfair of me to make that promise. I don't think I can suddenly conquer this insecurity I have with myself after one conversation," Oikawa said softly, his words quivering with emotion-- he didn't like admitting his feelings, but he owed it to Hajime. He owed it to his partner.
"Alright, that's fair, but next time, if god help us there is a next time, at least send me a fucking text, or I'll go mad."
"Deal," Oikawa nodded with a half-smile. "So, what's your explanation?"
"What?"
"You know, the explanation for accusing me of crawling back to Kabuto..."
"Oh," Hajime recalled, brushing the back of his neck with his hand. "I...my dad, he was an Alpha and my mom...my step mom, she was too."
"Step mom?"
"Yeah, my real mom, she was an Omega..."
"Oh," Oikawa said with a nod, suddenly understanding all of Hajime's past behavior-- the realization tied everything up with a neat little bow. "Your dad cheated on his partner with your mom..."
"Yeah..."
"Okay, well, so we both have commitment issues!" He chirped, giving the Alpha his best smile. "At least we're aware of it, now, right?"
"I guess..." Hajime murmured, his scent coiling into the air with renewed upset.
"Hey," Oikawa softly put forth, shoving out his own tranquil fragrance. "I'm...sorry..."
"Nah," the Alpha replied, shaking his head to regain his senses. "I'm trying this new thing where I stop using the past as an excuse."
"Oh wow! What a coincidence, so am I!" He exclaimed dramatically, widening his hazel eyes in feigned astonishment. "So...you really don't care?" He continued, shifting back to a serious tone. "About the things they said about me?"
"Fuck no," Hajime snarled, his scent devolving once again at the thought of the intruding Alphas-- what they had done to his Omega. "I don't care about what they said, we've all done shit that we regret, including me. And just so we're crystal clear, I don't care that you jumped in to defend me, either. I realized a while ago that it sort of comes with you being my partner. I can't ask you to suddenly stop being courageous. That would be cruel."
"Hajime..." Oikawa whispered as he leaned forward to rest his forehead against the Alpha's broad chest, ignoring the playful chirp. "Thank you...I'm so...sorry...I'm so...sorry..." He sniffed, feeling salty tears pool in his eyes.
For once, he didn't hate himself for crying. He didn't feel weak, he felt strong-- he had forced himself to vocalize his feelings and insecurities, and his Alpha had received them with open arms.
"Jesus christ," Hajime growled, pushing him back by his slender shoulders. "Are you fucking crying? I didn't think you even knew how to--"
"I never cry! Okay! You just, I don't know, stop talking!" Oikawa whined, lolling his head back dramatically as tears streamed down his pale face. "Stop it!"
"I'll take it as your way of saying, I love you, too," Hajime snorted, chuckled under his breath.
"I dooooooo~"
"I know."
"No, but seriously, I do."
"I know!"
"I know that you can protect me," Oikawa whispered, gently hitting his head against Hajime's chest. "I know your scent can, too. I mean, it's fucking monstrous, did you know that?"
"I did not."
"Okay, well it is, but that's besides the point. Thank you for understanding that I'm not helpless. We could never be together if you couldn't come to terms with that...but you have, and I should've trusted you. I should've, I know that now."
"It's the truth, I really do not mind your overzealous attitude," Hajime growled in reply, shrugging his broad shoulders. "Okay, it's half the truth. I do mind, a bit, but not in the way you're thinking! I just...I don't want to see you hurt again. Even the thought of it...right...now...just..."
"It's not that bad," Oikawa affirmed, fingers grazing up the white line of his scar. "I mean, it's ugly, but it's really not that bad."
"No...it's not ugly. Somehow, it makes you look even better," the Alpha replied softly, wiping a stray tear from his puffy face. "Cooler...kind of...badass..."
"Oh, stop," he huffed, playfully swatting at the outstretched hand. "Stop that~~"
"I mean it! Plus," Hajime grumbled, glancing up at the roof to hide his flushed face. "It's, uh, kind of a friendly reminder to do better, you know? Like, protect you...better."
"You know what I think of when I see it?" Oikawa whispered, cupping the sides of the Alpha's chiseled jaw. "I think about how we kicked the living shit out of Kabuto~"
"Yeah, fuck that guy," Hajime replied, then pulled him into a warm embrace, flooding the room with a domineering scent of protection. "Fuck him."
"Hey..." He murmured into the Alpha's shoulder, his throat rumbling in a shy purr as he drowned in the familiar fragrance. "So, we're still on? For the...um...mating?"
When Hajime remained silent at his question, he lightly sniffed the air, sifting through the Alpha's emotional scent to ascertain his head space. It was definitely a yes...but...he was not going anywhere near him while he still retained injuries. His Alpha wanted to wait another month...no way was that happening.
"My body has already taken care of that," he asserted, pulling slightly away to look up at Hajime's dark eyes.
"How did you...did I say that shit out loud?"
Oikawa laughed at the dumbfounded face looking down at him, a beautifully musical laugh that left Hajime shivering against his body. "Your scent gives you away, sometimes. I'm not a mind reader."
"What do you mean, your body took care of it?"
"Well..." He said as he pulled out of Hajime's grip and stepped back, spreading his arms out to the side. "Can't you smell it? Use your nose, Mr. Alpha~"
Hajime sniffed, then hesitated and furrowed his brows. "Smell...what?" He asked as he gently pulled Oikawa back into his arms, scenting the top of his chestnut hair with fervor.
Oikawa laughed again and nuzzled into the Alpha's neck. "My heat. My body naturally pushed it back, to cope with my injuries. Oikawa helpful tip number eighteen!"
"That can hardly be considered a tip," Hajime grumbled, his scent intertwining with Oikawa's own calm one-- almost as if they had missed each other's presence.
He had certainly missed Hajime's domineering fragrance, unequivocally. The last two days had felt absolutely hollow-- the world had dulled to a lifeless grey.
"You're right..." Hajime muttered and continued to inhale his fresh fragrance, making up for lost time. "It's...Sunday? I don't understand...why did it change."
"The Omega body is a wonderous thing. Pushes back the heat cycle if the body isn't physically prepared for it to occur...helpful tip...can I say it? Please?"
"Fine, yes, you can say it."
"Helpful Oikawa tip number nineteeeeeen~~"
"Eighteen."
"No, nineteen, I already gave you eighteen."
Hajime sighed, his body softly quaking in a stifled chuckle. "We should still judge it by ear, though. See how you're feeling on Saturday before making any permanent plans," he whispered, tenderly kissing the crown of his head.
"Yeah...about that," he put forth, smirking into the Alpha's shirt. "I kind of, told Miyo about our plans...so she made my follow up appointment for Saturday morning. You know, to get the all clear. I hope that's okay...I know we both like to keep things to ourselves..."
"Are you kidding?" Hajime replied, nuzzled against his neck to inhale his scent glands. "That's perfect."
"Okay, good," he said quietly and leaned his neck to the side, willfully granting his Alpha better access. "I was worried you wanted to keep it private."
"Everyone already knows. Who cares."
"You're right, they alllllll know~~"
"Will you...sleep in here tonight?" Hajime said abruptly, pulling away to look into his hazel eyes. "I know it's your first night back, so you probably want to sleep with the Omegas. It's fine if you want that but, I've just felt, so empty without you the last two days..."
"Eh, I'll see them at the party, catch up with them, and I'll nest with them tomorrow. I've felt empty, too. This seems more important right now," Oikawa replied, melting against Hajime's strong figure. "Speaking of which, now that we're finally sorted, we really should go downstairs and join my party," he continued, playfully sticking out a pink tongue. "I am the guest of honour, after all."
"Noooooooooo," Hajime whined out, his scent pouring over Oikawa in droves, blurring his senses to everything else but his Alpha.
"Stop that!" He chirped, attempting to pull away from the embrace to regain his sanity.
"Stop what?"
"Stop doing that!"
"What?!"
"Using your scent to mess with my mind!"
"I'm not!"
"You are!"
"Okay, maybe I am," Hajime said with a smirk, flicking a stray hair from his face.
"I want to climb into your bed, too, you know," he chastised, furrowing his brows as he spoke. "But, we can't be selfish~~"
"Fine, but I want two more minutes," Hajime grumbled into his chestnut hair, holding him tighter against his chest.
"Okay~~" He happily conceded, finding himself not ready to leave his Alpha's side-- unsure of if he would ever be ready. "Fine, two more minutes."
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