Chapter Twenty Four
MIGS
I didn't feel like I need to play a role when I'm with Saskia. I was only myself when I'm with her. For once, I wasn't using my brain to do all the decision-making. With her, I didn't have to live up to someone else's expectation. I was free from alarms, reminders, to-do lists, and rules. I was free even from myself. I lose control of myself when I'm around her. She uncovered parts of me I didn't even know ever existed.
"Siguro pag labas ng baby natin kasing kulit mo din noong bata ka pa." She laughed as we were walking.
"Palagi kong pinasasakit ang ulo ni Mama noon. Are you ready for that?" I let out a chuckle.
"Nakahanda na ang hanger." She said.
"Bakit hanger?" My brows furrowed, turning my head to her.
"Eh di ipapalo ko sa kanya." She simply said.
"Ipapalo? Yung hanger?" My eyes widened.
"OO! Laki kami sa palo 'no! Bakit ikaw hindi ka ba napapalo?"
"I get a slap on the hand from Mama if I do something really bad. Pero hanger?" I shook my head.
"Hay nako! Kami nga, nababali sa amin yung hanger pag galit na galit si Mammy sa amin."
"I don't want you to hit our child with a hanger."
"Pag makulit lang naman at kapag naiintindihan niya na yun. Kaya ang daming sutil na anak ng mga mayayaman kasi masyado kayong malambot. Lalaking walang takot sa mga magulang ang anak kung hindi didisplinahin." Naiiling na sabi niya.
"Kung kamay ang panggagamit mo, I won't have any problem with it. At saka sa kamay mo lang papaluin." I told her.
"Ang swerte talaga ni baby." She said with a low chuckle and caressed her belly. "Hindi pa siya napapanganak, mahal na mahal na siya ng daddy niya. Ako nga, alam mo gusto akong ipalaglag ng tatay kong briton noon."
"Kahit kailan hindi pumasok sa isip ko yan." I quietly said.
"Alam ko at nagpapasalamat ako sa'yo dahil pinanindigan mo ang batang dinadala ko at tinulungan mo pa ang pamilya ko." Her eyes lowered to her belly and she smiled.
We stopped mid-walk and turned to face her. Her eyes met mine and a gentle smile carved across her face. Saskia was beautiful. She was beautiful in a way no other woman I'd ever known was beautiful. She made me feel things I knew I shouldn't feel and it was frightening. I knew I love Hazel but at this moment, I wasn't so sure. I read somewhere that our memories change depending on the moment you're in each time you recall them. That our mind is constantly editing what happened. We couldn't hold on to things, not love, not even our own truths, because nothing in our mind is ever written just once.
I cupped her belly and just felt it while looking straight into her eyes. When I'm with her, I forget how terrified I am of everything wrong with my life. When I'm with her, everything just feels right.
"Fuck you!" I suddenly felt a strong hand shoving me away from Saskia until I was thrown to the ground. I looked up and saw Andrew, towering over me and looking down with eyes filled with fury.
"Hoy, don't fuck Migs! Sino ka ba, ha?" Saskia punched him on the arm.
"How could you do this to Hazel? How could you cheat on her?" He held me by my collar and lifted me up. "You have a beautiful fiancee who loves you. Ikakasal ka na!"
"I..." I couldn't find the right words to say and I didn't even know if I had any.
"Ano? Magsalita ka, you bastard!" His voice shook with despise.
"I fucked up..." I said in a low tone.
"That's your excuse?" He let out a sarcastic chuckle, gripping my collar a little tighter.
"Bitiwan mo si Migs!" Saskia started punching him on the arm.
He turned his head to Saskia and squinted his eyes as if trying to remember who she was. He was with us at my bachelor's party. I didn't know if he'd recognized her. He lifted one hand up and I felt something solid hitting me on the jaw.
"Ipinagpalit mo si Hazel sa isang stripper? Sa isang prostitute, Migs? You idiot!"
I felt something hot and white slowly burn in my chest at what he said. My body felt like a mind of its own when I kicked him in the stomach causing him to topple away from me. I felt fury like I had never felt before.
"You don't know anything about Saskia! Huwag mo siyang idamay dito!" Asik ko.
He answered back with his fist landing on my jaw, he then straddled me to the ground and began throwing punches at me like a mad man. I heard Saskia shriek and begged him to stop. All I ever thought about at that time was Saskia and our baby. I didn't want to put her through so much stress. Baka kung mapaano ang anak namin. I pushed him off me and held him down by the neck.
"Migs! Andrew!" I heard Hazel's voice and we automatically froze.
Our heads turned to her direction. It was so quiet as if the world had stop for that brief second. She stood there with eyes wide in horrification as she stared at us. Nagpalit-palit ang tingin niya sa amin before she lifted her eyes up to Saskia. For the briefest moment, hurt flashed across her eyes as she looked down. I felt a stab in my chest when I saw the emotion she tried so hard to hide under her stone cold facade.
"Get off him!" She demanded when she regained her composure. She hurried over to us and pushed me away from Andrew. Inalalayan niyang tumayo si Andrew and I just sat on the cold ground with a blooded face while I watched them.
"I don't understand, Migs. You have everything most people could only dream of and you fucked it up..." Andrew shook his head. "Ano pa bang kulang? Ano pa bang hinahanap mo? Ano pa ba ang utang sa'yo ng mundo?"
"I'm sorry..." I quietly said.
"Sorry?" Hazel let out a soft chuckle. "Your sorry became the equivalent to saying you need me to forgive you so you can feel better about what you've done. I don't forgive you, Migs, and I never will."
HAZEL
"Hazel..." I heard him say as I was staring out the window of his condo unit. This was the first time he spoke since the incident at the mall. I closed my eyes and took inhaled a lungful of air before slowly exhaling as to lighten the heaviness in my chest. "Are you okay, Haze?"
I turned to face him and smiled. "Of course. Sana lang hindi mo sila sinugod. I just went to the toilet and when I came back, nagpapatayan na kayo ni Migs."
"Stop doing that." He half-scolded.
"Stop what?" I asked, my brows furrowing.
"Stop acting and saying you're okay even though you're not. I don't want you to just stand there and swallow every bit of shit everyone heaps on you. Stop being a cold repressed shell of a human being." He sighed, his eyes were warm with compassion. "Why do you hide, Hazel?"
Suddenly, I could feel tears burning in the corner of my eyes. "Because people only love me when it's easy to love me. When I'm what they want me to be. Kaya nga ako minahal ni Migs because he said I was uncomplicated, uncluttered... I can't be weak, Drew. I can't be complicated. I can't... I can't fall apart."
"You know you always can with me..." He said in a worn out tone.
"I want Migs and I to work but the pieces just don't fit and it's frustrating and sad and it hurts, it hurts so bad. For the first time, I'm really starting to believe it. We're seeing each other for what we really were and it didn't make our loads any lighter. We have to find other people to carry the weight for us because we're just too damn heavy for each other." I tried to laugh despite the tears. "Sabi nila when two people love each other they don't love the same way. Isa daw ang mahina at isa ang malakas. The weaker one loves without recoiling, without pride, without reservation. And none of us wants to be the weaker one."
A sob rose from my throat and he grabbed the back of my head and pulled me to him. I buried my face into his chest and I cried until I felt like my chest would burst. He quietly and gently stroked my hair as I cried.
"I don't know how to let it out, Drew. I don't know how to let the anger and pain out. It's stuck somewhere in me and I can't take it out. I hate them. I hate them so much." My cry became harder, my hands balled into fists as if I wanted to hit someone.
I was raised to believe that feelings were some form of repulsive weakness one had to learn to overcome. My Dad made me promise to never give myself a chance fall apart because then it becomes a tendency. It would happen over and over again. And so I had to practice staying strong.
But with him I'm the most vulnerable I could be. I had never cried like this to anyone in my whole life since I was a child. With Drew there were no risk involved, no expectations.
"I like being with you." I said after my sobs subsided.
"Why?" He asked.
"Because you don't want anything from me. You're not like them. You don't stifle me to become the shiny, attractive trophy everyone wants me to be."
"Yeah..." He huffed.
SASKIA
Nasa loob kami ng kwarto ko para makapagpahinga si Migs habang ginagamot ko ang mga sugat niya. Talagang nabugbog ng husto ang gwapong mukha ng tatay ng anak ko. Nagulat nga si Mammy, si Ninang at ang mga kapatid ko nang makita ang itsura ni Migs paglabas nila sa grocery. Nilinis ko ang natuyong dugo sa gilid ng putok na labi ni Migs. Agad niyang binawi ang ulo niya nang dumampi ang maligamgam na bimpo doon at napangiwi sa sakit. Hinawakan ko ang ulo niya at muli iyon pinunasan.
"Saskia..." Mahinang daing niya.
"Konting tiis na lang." Marahang sabi ko.
Dahan-dahan gumapang ang isang kamay niya sa ibabaw ng kamay ko at dinala iyon sa labi niya. Binigyan niya iyon ng maliliit na halik. Naalala ko ang itsura ni Hazel habang nakatingin sa akin kanina at iyon ang dahilan kung bakit ko agad na binawi ang kamay ko. Nag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin at humugot ng malalim na buntong-hininga.
"Do you think I'm a bad person, Saskia? I don't know who the real me is, the part that cheated on Hazel or the part that hated what I did..."
"I think you're not bad person. Time goes by on the right time after all those happened. The time was come to correction your wrongs. Tagalugin ko na nga lang, ang hirap mag-english! Darating din yung panahon na maitatama mo yung mga mali mo. Alam kong mabuti kang tao, Migs."
Bahagyang ngumiti si Migs. "I don't know what I'd do without you, Saskia. You're the safest thing I know." Ikinawit niya ang mga bisig niya sa baywang ko habang nakatayo ako sa harap niya at hinatak ako papunta sa kanya hanggang sa magtapat ang tiyan ko at ulo niya. Ibinaba niya ang ulo niya sa tiyan ko at hinalikan iyon. "I love you."
Parang tumalon ang puso ko sa narinig ko.
"Mahal na mahal ka ni Daddy, baby. No matter what happens, no matter how much of a messed up person I am, remember that Daddy loves you with all my heart." Bulong niya.
Paasa ka naman, kuya. Akala ko sa akin ka nag- I love you.
Inilayo ko ang katawan ko mula sa kanya at kinuha ang tabo na may tubig na ginamit kong panglinis sa mga sugat niya mula sa ibabaw ng maliit na mesa sa tabi ng kama.
"Mabuti pa magpahinga ka muna. Himiga ka muna d'yan." Sabi ko sa kanya.
Nakakailang hakbang pa lang ako palayao sa kanya nang kunin niya ang isang kamay ko at halikan iyon.
"Thank you, Saskia..." Mahinang sabi niya at bahagyang ngiti lang ang naisagot ko sa kanya.
Pumasok ako sa banyo at napasandal sa pinto nito nang maisara ko iyon. Sandali akong nagkulong doon para kalmahin ang mabilis na tibok ng puso ko sa I love you niya. Na bokya ako doon, akala ko talaga para sakin yun.
Pag labas ko ay nakahiga na sa kama si Migs at tulog na tulog na ito. Umupo ako sa gilid niya at hinaplos ko ang mala-gintonh buhok niya. Hindi ko makakalimutan ang ginawa niya para sa akin kanina. Nung sinabihan ako ng prosti nang lalaking nakaaway niya, piangtanggoo niya ako. Feeling ko ang haba ng hair ko nun. Pero hindi dapat ako umasa dahil alam ko naman na likas lang talagang mabait si Migs.
Bakit ba kasi ganyan ka, Migs? Bakit ginagawa mo 'to sa akin? Lalo tuloy akong naiinlove sayo...
Lumabas ako sa kwarto at bumaba para kunuha ng tubig. Nasa sala pa si Mammy at Ninang at angpapabyuti na naman ang dalawa. Nirerebond ni Ninang si Mammy.
"Nasaan si Migs?" Tanong ni Mammy.
"Tulog ma, My." Sagot ko.
"Diyan na naman siya matutulog? Tapos ano? Magchuchukchakan na naman kayo?" Umikot na naman ang mga mata ng bakla.
"Grabe ka, 'nang, nakita mo na ngang injury si Migs." Sabi ko.
"Pareho kasi kayong maharot." Sabi ni Ninang.
"Hayaan mo na bakla. Tatay naman yan ng apo ko." Sabi ni Mammy.
"Alam mo hahayaan ko yan kung alam kong hindi siya madedehado dito, kung alam kong hindi yan magpapakatanga at masasaktan. Pero pareho natin alam na mana sa'yo yan, kalahating bobo at kalahating tanga din yan."
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