Kabanata 19
Kabanata 19
I'VE never seen my father this devastated before. Para kaming na-delubyo ngayon at nagsabay-sabay ang mga sakuna at 'di alam kung ano'ng gagawin.
My mother is consoling Papa. He's shaking, nakatakip ng mga palad niya ang kanyang kamay at miski si Mama ay umiiyak ay kinalma ang sarili para maging lakas ni Papa.
Kuya Macky is carrying Audette, wala pang alam ang kapatid ko sa nangyayari pero nang makita niya kaming umiiyak nang magising siya anong oras na ay umiyak din siya kagaya namin.
While me, I was staring at the floor, hindi alam ang gagawin. Nanginginig pa ang kamay ko nang abutin ang telepono nang mag-ring at nakausap ko si Kuya Deion sa kabilang linya. I was shocked when he told me na naglayas si Scira, she had a misunderstanding with Tita Zid and hindi pa niya alam ang nangyari kay Papa Jer.
Kuya told me na hindi siya sumasagot kaya mabilis kong tinawagan ang pinsan at nagbakasakaling kakausapin niya ako.
"D-Daru..." I gasped when I heard her shaking voice.
"Scira! Finally!" I shrieked and sighed, tumikhim ako para kontrolin ang emosyon pero nang maalala ang balita nila ay napahikbi ako.
"W-what?" she whispered.
"U-uwi ka na..." my voice weakened as I sobbed more, gripping my phone tighter.
"W-what? I-I can't, g-galit sa akin ang Mommy..." I noticed her weak, groggy voice.
"Please..." I muttered. "U-uwi ka, please. Uwi ka na."
"B-bakit?" she asked shaking at naipikit ko ang mata roon.
"S-si..." I whispered and fisted my other palm, heaving a deep sigh.
"B-bakit?" she whispered. "A-anong mayro'n?"
"W-wala na..." I sobbed harder, totally shaking now. "P-papa Jer's gone, Scira. W-wala na si Papa Jer..."
I heard her cries became louder and it broken something more inside of me. Naririnig ko ang ulan sa background niya at nasasaktan ako para sa nangyayari sa pamilya namin ngayon.
"Ate, why cry? D-don't cry na..." Nakita ko ang paglakad ni Audette palapit sa akin, nakasunod sa kanya si Kuya na namumula rin ang mata kaya mas napahagulgol ako.
I carried the crying Dette on my arms, mahigpit ko siyang niyakap at mayamaya'y lumapit na sa aming dalawa si Kuya Macky para yumakap din.
I heard Kuya's sobs, nakagat ko ang labi ko at niyakap siya pabalik habang isinisiksik niya ang ulo sa aking leeg.
"I-it wasn't t-true, right?" he asked, sobbing and I only hugged him tighter.
"Kuya..."
Walang may kayang mag-drive sa amin kaya sa huli ay nagsabi ang driver na siya na ang magmamaneho papunta sa ospital. Papa is not talking, tulala lang siya at nakatingin sa bintana, si Mama ay buhat si Dette na hindi nagpaiwan sa bahay.
On the back were me and my brother, I was doing my best not to cry but the memories of my Papa Jer came rushing back to me. I can still remember his funny remarks, his smile, and his words to me.
Hanggang ngayon ay ramdam na ramdam ko pa rin ang huling yakap sa akin ni Lolo ko, ang mga salitang binitawan niya para pakalmahin ako.
I bit my lip to stop my sobs but I couldn't, naramdaman ko ang pag-akbay sa akin ng Kuya kaya sumubsob ako sa kanyang dibdib at umiyak.
"C-calm down, Darsh..." he whispered, his voice breaking. "D-don't stress yourself too much, ang pamangkin ko."
I slowly nodded, fisting his shirt.
"S-sorry, Kuya, sorry..."
It was hard trying to calm yourself down while seeing your love ones sad and weeping too. We were always happy, kapag may get together ay puro tawanan ang maririnig mo kaya ngayong ganito kami kalungkot ay mas sumikip ng dibdib ko.
They said Papa Jer died of natural causes. He just didn't wake up when Mama Lena tried to. She checked if he was still breathing and he wasn't anymore.
He died peacefully in Mama's arms.
"H-hindi ko kaya..." Zire whispered, shaking badly as I was, hugging me.
"W-we'll get through this, Zire," I reassured, doing my best to comfort her despite the pain I was feeling too.
We heard someone coming, napalingon kami at sumikip ang dibdib lalo nang makita ang umiiyak na si Scira sa hallway habang papalapit. I saw her fell on the floor, sobbing hard while Kuya Deion knelt in front of her to calm her down.
Kuya helped her up and when Scira met my eyes, she ran towards us and hugged us both as we cried, together.
I am exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally. The silence filled the hallway.
Isaw my grandmother, the strong Leona Harriet Sandejas, smiling despite the tears on her eyes. Ang mata niya'y puno ng lungkot pero nakangiti para hupain ang lungkot ng kanyang mga anak.
During our situation now, I can't help but notice and see how much Mama Lena and Papa Jer taught the siblings that the greatest lesson and priority of all, is the love for family. The respect for one another and not leaving anyone in times of need, 'yan ang nakita at naramdaman ko.
The four siblings are grown up and have their own families but seeing them weep now like small kids with Mama Lena breaks my heart. Tita Zidney is sitting beside Mama Lena, sobbing. Si Tito Iñigo ay tulala at umiiyak, Tito Zeijan is sitting on the floor, crying so hard while burying his face on his kness while my Papa, my always strong father is so weak right now habang nakasubsob sa gilid ni Mama Lena at umiiyak.
My heart was breaking it felt like it was getting divided into tiny million pieces, seeing my loving family in grief. It hurts me to see how my father broke down not just because of Papa Jer's death, but also because of everything I did.
I saw my Aunties crying on the side too and my cousins were all quiet, madalang kaming makompleto ng ganito na kahit mga get together ay may kulang pa madalas pero 'di ko maiisip na makukumpleto kami ng ganito dahil sa malungkot na rason.
I heard Tito Thorn talk to Scira, telling her he has to take Queen Scira home. Bumaling ako kay Mama na buhat ang natutulog na si Dette at kay Kuya na kausap sina Kuya Chiel.
Bumaling ako kay Papa at kaagad akong nagalit sa aking sarili, malungkot na nakipagsabayan ang problema niya sa akin sa pagkawala ng Lolo.
He's probably mad at me. He probably hates me. Pagkatapos ng lahat ng disappointments na ibinigay ko sa pamilya ko.
"I-I'll rest first, p-papalit lang din ng damit baka magkasakit," mahinang paalam ni Scira sa amin ni Zire.
"S-sama ako," I immediately took her hand to stop her kaya napalingon siya sa akin.
"I-I want some company," I muttered, afraid I'll break down if I'm alone again. "A-and Dad's mad at me, a-ayaw ko muna umuwi."
I saw her sad eyes soften as she nodded at me, hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at nagpaalam kay Zire na nagpaiwan para kina Tita Alyx at sa ibang mga pinsan namin.
We went closer to Mama Lena, nakita kong malungkot na nakatingin si Scira sa Mommy niya. She said something pero nag-iwas ng tingin ang Mom niya at tumingin kay Tito Thorn.
I shifted my gaze and saw my father, nakita ko ang tingin niya sa akin kaya umawang ang labi ko.
"P-pa..." I called but he just lowered his head and didn't speak, as if avoiding me kaya mas kumirot ang puso ko.
I glanced at Mama Lena and felt like tearing up again. "M-mama..." I called and walked closer to her.
"I'm okay, princess..." She smiled softly despite her sad eyes. "I'm okay, don't worry about me..."
"I-I love you, Mama," I said and her tears fell as she nodded at me and glanced at my stomach, her eyes softening.
"Mahal din kita, apo," she said, hugging me. "D-don't stress yourself, okay? Y-your Papa Jer won't be happy if may nangyaring masama sa mga apo niya."
That's when my tears fell. "S-sorry, Mama. I love you."
"Mahal ka rin namin, your Lolo loves you, too. I'm strong, D-Daru, apo... k-kaya ko 'to," she whispered.
Kahit nahihirapan din ako at pagod, I know for a fact that I have to be strong for my family. I am lucky to have Scira and Zire with me, they're my cousins at the same time, my best friends. Nasabi ko na sa kanila na buntis ako at wala akong nakuhang panghuhusga sa kanina.
Instead, they hugged and comforted me, telling me they were always here for me. Na they won't leave me.
One thing my grandfather taught us is to never leave each other's side in times like this and right now, that's what our family is doing.
Wearing our white clothes and dresses, we have to say goodbye to our amazing and one-of-a-kind Papa Jer.
Masakit man ay alam naming walang bagay na permanente bukod sa pagmamahal na naiiwan sa puso at paunti-unti ay kailangan naming tanggapin iyon.
My father is preoccupied, tahimik lang at tulala at alam kong ayaw niya pa akong makausap kaya I gave him his personal space. Mama was there for me, though, kahit alam kong masama rin ang kanyang loob sa akin. She will smile at me, offer me a hug at hindi niya binubuksan ang topic tungkol sa kalagayan ko.
I was shocked because despite the thought of the whole family mourning, nagka-oras pa sila para matanggal sa internet ang nude painting ko. A lot of people have been sexualizing it, harassing me.
It felt so sad that a lot of people are still narrow-minded, na lahat ng bagay, kahit ang sining ay binabastos na rin nila. Na everything, kahit ang sining at mga babae'y ino-objectify pa rin.
Nasasaktan din ako, s'yempre, na binabastos ako sa social media. Noong nakaraan ay kinausap ako ni Kuya Chiel, asking me about the painting but thinking na gawa iyon ng pinsan niya, si Chance ay ayaw ko siyang masaktan kaya 'di ko sinabi.
The lawyers in our family sued everyone who commented maliciously, who shared, spread it and harassed me. They assured me na everything is under control, mabilis ding nawala sa internet ang picture na iyon at miski ang sites sa naglabas nito ay dinemanda rin
It pained me to hear the words of farewell from my aunties and uncles, it hurts seeing my father shaking on the platform after saying goodbye to our Papa Jer. Mama hugged him rightaway when he went down, nakita ko ang tingin sa akin ni Papa nang maupo siya sa tabi ko kaya mas napaluha ako.
"S-sorry, Papa..." I whispered and I saw his lips lifted for a small smile and despite his tears, he lifted his hand and offered it to me.
"C-come on, hug your old man, princess..." he said softly and I broke down at that, mahigpit na niyakap ko si Papa at umiyak sa kanyang dibdib.
Nang umakyat na si Mama Lena sa platform ay nanahimik kaming muli, hawak ni Papa ang kamay ko at katabi niya si Mama Kaia na nakasandal sa kanya. Dette was sitting on Kuya Macky's lap na katabi ko ngayon.
Mama Lena stood in front and I couldn't help but notice again how beautiful she was, she aged like fine wine, habang tumatagal ay mas gumaganda siya.
"Ganda ko, ano?" Nagulat ako roon sa sinabi niya dahil 'di namin iyon inaasahan. It caused a fit of laughter from the whole family.
"Mammeh, wala na, finish na. Baba na r'yan." Nagtaas ng kamay si Tito Zeij at ngumisi lang si Mama Lena at umiling.
"Ganyan talaga kapag alagang Sandejas," she said and I nodded because it's true.
"Well, how would I start this?" she said and sighed, nakita kong sumulyap siya sa kabaong ni Papa Jer at biglang ngumiti. "Hon, look at your children and their families, they're amazing, right?"
Something tugged inside my chest, I stared at Mama Lena's eyes and saw they were on the verge of tears but she managed to smile, not even letting a tear spill.
"Matagal na naming napag-uusapan ito ni Jer. One way or another, one of us will leave this world. We're not getting any younger, malalaki na ang mga anak at ang mga apo ko. We can't live forever dahil tao lang din kami, tayo, mawawala rin sa mundo," she started.
"Crazy but we talked about what we'd do if one of us decided to leave at nagkasundo kami na we should go on with our lives, mourn at first but slowly move on. Malungkot man na wala na ang mahal ko but we must learn to live with it because nothing's permanent in this world... except love."
She touched her necklace and smiled.
"Jer might not be here physically but he will never be gone, he will always be here in our hearts. His love will remain permanently, kahit saan, hanggang kailan." She smiled.
"Death is a part of life, my kids. There is a point wherein life stops giving us things and starts taking them away. Bigay ang buhay kaya dapat pangalagaan dahil darating ang araw na babawiin din iyon, like now. Daddy Jer is a gift to us and when he was taken away, we were expected to live happily, to treasure the lessons, the love, the memories, and our moments with him.
"It's okay to mourn but don't stay mourning for a long time. One day, mawawala rin ako at susunod sa Daddy Jer n'yo, when I'm gone, it's okay to mourn but be happy after. We had a happy and long life, with you, our kids, and family."
My tears fell and my body started shaking when Mama Lena bit her lip because she couldn't stop the tears anymore.
"I told myself it's okay but maybe it's shocking when it's too sudden. I just didn't expect he'll be gone that night, huling gabi ko na pala 'yon kasama siya. We talked a little about how we didn't have any regrets, that we lived our lives happily and satisfied with it. He said goodnight and I love you and he didn't wake up after. Sobrang sakit pero kagaya nga ng sabi ko, we can't stay mourning for our lost ones kaya kahit masakit, pipiliin kong maging masaya kasi mayro'n pa akong kayo."
Her voice trembled.
"You, my children, Iñigo, Dash, Zeij, and Zidney, you are God's gift for me and your Dad. Your children and family are a gift to you so please, please cherish them. Love them dearly so, in the end, you won't have regrets." She sighed, gathering her thoughts.
"Ang pamilya, mga anak ko, parang puno lang iyan. It's like a strong, deep-rooted tree na despite the storms and floods, despite the fact that the water could wash the soil away from it, it will remain standing, unbothered. You know why? Because the roots are so deep it will never be shaken." She removed the tears on her cheek.
"Kaya mga anak ko, may you love your family. H'wag matigas ang ulo, okay? Makinig at pag-usapan kung may hindi pagkakaintindihan sa halip na magpataasan ng boses at pride." Nagkatinginan kami ni Papa at 'di ko alam pero sabay kaming natawa.
"May the love you have for each other become your inspiration, like how your father, Ejercito became mine. When I lost my motivation he was there, he believed I could still walk and I did. Believe in the impossible because I did and look at me now, medyo natagalan pero hindi ako sumuko at ito'y nakakalakad ng muli," she shared.
Mama Lena was once paralyzed, many years ago because of an accident involving the family where they once lost Tita Zidney. A car crash.
She had lost her will but Papa Jer didn't. He motivated and didn't give up on her.
"My children, grandchildren, your loving husband and wives. I just want to tell you na, mawala man ang lahat, ang pamilya n'yo ay palaging nand'yan. Plant your trees and tighten their foundation, so, even if storms would try and wash us up, we will remain standing because our love is firmly planted."
It made my heart jumped, napatango ako at napapikit.
Mama sighed, as if remembering things from her past, reminiscing. There's a soft smile on her lips as she glanced again at Papa's coffin.
"Time flies so fast when you are happy, parang dati lang nagka-cutting lang kami ni Jer para magperya sa Sta. Monica." She chuckled kaya napatingin ako.
"Bad influence si Daddy, oh." Nguso ni Tito Zeij kaya nagtawanan kami.
"Sinabi mo pa, parang ikaw 'to noon, Zeij. Bulakbol, tulog palagi sa klase."
My uncles teased Tito Zeij who only covered his ears.
"At least gwapo," he spat.
Mama grinned then brushed her hair as she watched Papa again.
"To my love, Ejercito, thank you for being the very best friend, companion, boyfriend, husband, and a great father to your children. I promise to live my remaining life happily with your love inside my heart. You will never be forgotten, you will always be my one and greatest love."
She covered her mouth to stop her sobs and we became more emotional seeing her like that.
"To Ejercito Sandejas, my love." She touched her necklace again. "Fly high, my paper plane. I will be there soon."
Bumaba si Mama Lena sa platform, mabilis na tumayo ang mga Tito ko para tulungan siya pero sabay-sabay kaming natigilan nang may pumasok na isang babae.
She is wearing a black long skirt and terno top, may malaki siyang hat na may balahibo pa at nagulantang kaming lahat nang humagulgol siya pagkapasok.
"A-asawa ko!" She sobbed loudly, ang puting panyo ay nakatakip sa kanyang bibig.
"W-who's that?" Papa asked at nagkatinginan kami ng mga pinsan ko at sabay-sabay na nagkibit-balikat.
Weird...
"P-paano na si Junior, ang anak natin!" She cried loudly, pumunta pa sa may gitna at akmang pupunta sa kabaong ni Papa Jer pero hindi natuloy dahil humarang si Tito Iñigo sa kanya.
The crying lady lifted her head, tumutulo pa rin ang luha.
"A-alam kong kilala n'yo ako!"
Huh?
"I'm sorry, we don't," Tito answered, confused. Si Mama Lena ay napapunas din ng luha at napakurap-kurap.
"A-ako 'to si Ch—teka! Bakit 'di n'yo kilala? Alam k-kong hindi ako legal pero may anak kami ni Alfonso!"
My mouth parted.
"Alfonso?" Tita Zidney asked.
"Ang asawa ko si Alfonso—"
"Ay, Miss, walang Alfonso na binuburol dito." Ani Tito Zeij na napakamot pa ng batok.
The lady froze, naibaba niya ang panyo niya at napalingon sa aming lahat at nakita kong unti-unting napanganga siya.
"W-weh?" she asked, startled too. "H-hindi ba 'to burol ni Alfonso Marquez?"
"Ay, Alfonso Marquez?" Napatayo si Tita Thallia. "Nasa kabilang mausoleum 'yon, Miss. Nakita ko kanina."
The lady's jaw dropped, namula ang mukha niya at naglakad palapit sa kabaong.
"Ay, pogi..." she said then chuckled awkwardly. "A-anyway, sorry, wrong burol." Napapunas siya ng luha niya.
Hindi namin alam at sabay-sabay kaming nagsitanguan sa kanya, she looked so awkward and embarrassed as she fixed her hair and bit her lip.
"P-p'wedeng pahatid sa kabilang burol? P-para 'di masyadong nakakahiya?" she asked us at mabilis na tumango si Tita Thallia at hinila si Tita Zid na nagpipigil na ng tawa.
"O-okay, let's go." Tita Zid smiled a bit and walked to her.
"Sorry again," she laughed awkwardly, inaalis ang luha niya. "N-nagulo ko ata kayo, anyway, condolence." Bumaling siya kay Mama Lena at ngumiti. "Condolence, Ma'am. Ang gwapo po ng asawa mo."
Still stunned, Mama nodded.
"W-well, thank you." Mama smiled.
Hinawakan siya sa magkabilang braso ni Tita Thallia at Tita Zid para ihatid sa kabilang burol at habang papalabas ay napaiyak na naman siya.
"Alfonso!" she exclaimed and sobbed harder.
Nang mawala sila ay biglang binalot kami ng katahimikan at mayamaya ay sabay-sabay na napatawa. Si Mama Lena ay napailing-iling pa habang nagpipigil pero gumalaw din ang balikat sa tawa.
It was very random! Just in time after the emotional talk!
"Daddeh, ayaw talaga ng tadhana na malungkot kahit burol mo!" Tawa ni Tito Zeij doon kaya binatukan na siya ni Tita Alyx para matahimik.
We sent Papa Jer off with the white balloons, inayos ang mausoleum para kay Papa at tahimik kaming naglagay ng mga bulaklak at nagsindi ng kandila sa tapat ng kanyang lapida. It was sad yet we're grateful at the same time, na ang swerte-swerte namin dahil nagkaroon kami ng Ejercito Sandejas sa aming pamilya.
Days passed and my family asked me to quit work for now to focus on my pregnancy and I did. My situation is a bit sensitive kaya kahit papaano'y ayos naman sa 'kin na mag-maternity leave muna.
Wala na akong naging balita kay Chance, it's not that I was looking for him, anyway. Wala na rin naman akong pagkakataong pumunta sa aking condo dahil si Kuya ang kumuha sa iba kong mga kailangan doon.
I am now staying with my family, pati na rin si Pocholo. The last thing I heard from Chance was his email for me.
He sent it on my email, kung saan hindi ko pa siya naba-block.
From: chance.salcedo.arts_
Hello, doll. I don't know how would I start this but first of all, I wanted to apologize for everything I did. Everything. Sorry for hurting you, for every pain I inflicted on you when all you ever did was to love me. I did not spread the photo of your painting. I swear to God, I swear to my life, Darshana. I didn't.
I wanted to protect you. That painting was supposed to be for our eyes only but I failed to protect it and I am so sorry. It was my fault. I don't know how I could possibly make up for the wrong things I did. I don't know if I'll be able to see or talk to you again. I wanted to tell you my reasons and explain myself but I might look like I'm justifying the wrong things I did which I don't. May kasalanan ako, Darshana. Mali ako at 'di ko nagawang protektahan at ingatan ang mayro'n tayo at ang mga bagay na ipinagkatiwala mo sa 'kin.
I wanted to tell you my side but I don't want you to think I'm doing it for the sake of saving my face so I wouldn't force my explanation to you unless you want to hear me out soon or in the future.
I am hoping you would. Please, baby. Please do.
I love you, Darshana Sandejas. I am in love with you, baby doll. You might think otherwise after what I did to you but in my heart, there's no one else I'll love but you. I know what happened to your family and I don't want to add stress to you so I'll stop pestering you. I am doing my best to stop Delilah too and if I have to go away from you for now, I will. I am hoping the very best for you and your family. I am so sorry. I'm so sorry for hurting you. Mahal na mahal kita, Darshana. Mahal na mahal.
If destiny would do its thing and I met you again, I will pursue you, Daru. I will show you how much you mean to me. You will forever be my baby doll. You'll forever be my art, my inspiration.
Ik4w lng sp4t nAh...
Haha! Hoping that made you smile. I love you, Darshana. I will see you again when I am enough, deserving, and better to be with you.
Sincerely yours,
Chance
I blocked him after that and it was the last time I ever heard from him. Medyo nagkakausap na kami ni Papa pero ang tungkol sa kalagayan ko ay hindi pa namin totally nabubuksan.
I think we're both afraid screaming at each other again that we stayed silent. I remember Mama shaking her head at us when she saw Papa gave me paper bags when he came home from work, nasa sala ako noon at nilalaro ang mga aso sa bahay.
"Why don't you two just talk?" ani Mama na nakapamaywang sa gilid na hinarangan si Papa pagkatapos umalis pagkabigay sa akin ng paper bags.
"Babe..." Papa sighed and tried touching her waist pero sumimangot lang si Mama at bumaling sa akin.
"Darshana?" she called kaya ngumuso lang ako at lumunok.
Narinig ko ang daing ni Papa bigla roon, natanto kong pinitik ni Mama ang nguso niya dahil nakabusangot din ata.
"Mag-ama nga kayo, ano?" she scolded the both of us. "Ano, Dash Rakiel, mahirap ba makipag-away sa kaugali mo?" she hissed.
"Babe naman," lambing ni Papa sa kanya pero ngumiwi lang si Mama at tinulak siya palapit sa akin. Pinisil ko naman ang daliri ko at pinagmasdan si Papa na mahaba ang nguso habang papalapit dahil sa tulak ni Mama.
"Kaia—"
"Sa labas ka ulit matutulog o mag-uusap na kayo ng anak mo?" mariing sabi niya kaya napatingin sa akin si Papa.
Napalabi lang ako at kumalabog ang puso, I slowly touched my stomach. I heard Papa sigh nang itulak siya ni Mama paupo sa sofa kaya nagkatabi kami.
"You two talk at magluluto ako ng ulam kasama si Dette, kapag tapos na ako at hindi pa kayo bating dalawa, I promise I'll feed you nothing but veggies from now on—"
"That's unfair, babe!" Papa exclaimed.
"Gusto mo palo?" Mama hissed at natahimik si Papa at napangiwi pa.
"I'm not a child anymore—"
"Pero utak bata, oo. Papakainin kitang pinakbet, Dash Rakiel. Sinasabi ko sa 'yo," banta ni Mama at bumaling sa akin. "Darshana, listen too, okay? H'wag ka ring makikipagsabayan d'yan sa tatay mo at magsasalpukan lang ang ugali n'yo."
"Opo," I said and nodded.
Mama smiled, she even gave my father a deadly glare before she called Dette who came running with her storybooks.
"Ma! Ma, story time!" Dette screamed and ran towards her.
Natahimik kaming dalawa ni Papa pagkaalis ni Mama at Dette, tanging ang TV lang ang nag-iingay sa harapan namin. Ang mga aso ay nasa lapag at mukhang nakikiabang din sa pag-uusap naming dalawa.
"H-have you..." pumiyok pa si Papa kaya napalunok ako para pigilan ang tawa. "Fuck, sorry..." tikhim niya. "Nagbibinata ata ako ulit."
It made me laugh, napasulyap ako kay Papa na nakatingin na rin sa akin, I saw his lips lifted for a smile too when he saw me smiled. He brushed his hair and licked his lip, nginuso niya ang paper bag na hawak ko at nagsalita.
"Nakita mo na?" he asked kaya umiling ako at inilapit ang paper bag sa akin.
I slowly opened it and my eyes widened when I saw blue and pink onesies inside. Mabilis akong napatingin kay Papa at nakitang namumula siya.
"I... still don't know the gender of my grandchild so I bought two colors, p-p'wede naman 'yan gamitin kahit babae o lalaki ang apo ko—"
"H-he's a boy, Papa," I confessed. His jaw dropped.
"R-really?" he gasped. "Kailan mo nalaman? Bakit hindi ko pa alam—"
"Nahihiya po kasi ako sabihin, Pa," I said softly. "Kasama ko po si Mama magpa-check up kahapon lang and the doctor told me it's a boy."
"Fuck..." He cursed before chuckling unbelievably, amazed. "Sinasabi ko sa 'yo, Darshana, ngayon pa lang gwapo 'yan."
It made me smile too, napahawak ako sa tiyan kong medyo may kalakihan na at nagsalita.
"I am sure too, Sandejas kaya ito," pagpatol ko pa kaya nag-ngisian kaming dalawa. I noticed his gaze lowering in my stomach.
"Nag-ikot ako sa mall kanina, 'nak," he told me. "I saw the onesies and it's cute so I bought three pieces each, if you look at the other paper bag, may vitamins d'yan para sa 'yo rin. You know, I also saw cute cribs in the mall. 'Yong may ilaw-ilaw at saka nakasabit na laruan."
My heart jumped, I saw how my Papa's eyes soften when he saw me looking at him like I'm about to cry. Tumikhim ako at kinuha ang kamay ni Papa. Nagulat siya roon pero hindi iyon kinuha mula sa akin.
"Papa, I'm sorry..." I started and stared at him. "I-I'm sorry po kung hindi ako nakinig, I'm sorry po if nasagot ko kayo at napagtaasan ng boses. I-I know you are all disappointed at me, k-kasi hindi lang ako nag-cause ng scandal sa pamilya, n-nabuntis pa ako. I-I also fought with you when you want nothing but the best for me. K-kung nakinig lang sana po ako hindi 'to mangyayari sa akin..." My tears fell.
Papa stared at me, his gaze soft and teary. He sighed and my heart felt warmer when he lifted his hand and dried the tears on my cheek.
"M-may mali rin naman ako," he whispered lowly. "I-I was too overprotective, aren't I?"
"I understand, Papa," I told him. "Y-you just wanted to protect me."
"Yes, but m-maybe it was too much. Sorry kung nasasakal ka namin, anak. P-pagsensyahan mo sana si Papa kung mahigpit ako sa 'yo, hmm? Darshana, mahal na mahal kita, kayo ng mga kapatid mo, ang Mama mo. Noon pa, alam kong 'di ako naging mabuting anak kina Mom at Dad, sa Lolo't-Lola mo kaya no'ng nagkapamilya ako ay itinuon ko ang atensyon sa pagprotekta sa inyo na hindi ko napansing sumobra na.
"Personally, we experienced hard things when I was your age. Nabulag ako because I was reckless, instead of facing my problem, I chose to turn my back on it and in the end, I ended up not seeing anymore. That's worse. Hindi ko nakikita ang Mama mo noong nandoon siya para sa akin noon. It was so hard for us, to love like that lalo na at maraming nangyayari. I was about to marry a girl at ayaw ko, the reason why I rebelled at naging dahilan ng aksidente ko noon. The love of your mother saved me from darkness, I felt useless and cold and your mother gave me warmth, anak. Pero ang pagmamahal ay masakit din, hindi naging madali sa amin at mahirap kaya ayaw kong maranasan ang masaktan ng gano'n sa pag-ibig.
"When I heard about that man older than you, I immediately thought he might hurt you. I am so sorry but I think I'm an overthinker, I always think the worst of things that it always ends up hurting me in the end." He sighed and squeezed my hand. "I-I'm sorry for being like that, princess, I'm so sorry for being narrow-minded too, na nakinig pa ako sa iba kaysa sa paliwanag mo."
His tears fell and it made me tear up more.
"I-I'm so sorry that my goal of protecting you hurt you in the process, I'm so sorry that I listened to other people instead of hearing my princess. P-papa is so sorry for hurting his little princess." He sniffed, hinahawi ang luha. "M-masyado na pala akong naging mahigpit, na tanging ang magaganda mong ugali lang ang nakikita ko at hindi naisip na p'wede ka ring magkamali. I-I'm so sorry if we pressured you to be a good girl. Y-your Mama once told me imperfections make art beautiful and we are all art, we are all imperfect, I just failed to recognize it."
I offered my arms to my Papa and he sobbed, nakagat ko ang labi ko nang maramdaman ang kanyang luha sa aking balikat.
"Mahal na mahal ko kayo, Darshana. K-kayo ang pamilya ko, I will do my very best to protect you, my grandchild, and our family," he said. "L-let me recognize the wrong things I did and reflect on it."
"A-ako rin, sorry po, Papa..." I sobbed. "M-may mali rin po ako, sorry po..."
"I guided you but m-maybe my grip on your hand was so tight it made you uncomfortable and hurt. It suffocate you. I'm so sorry. M-maybe I got paranoid when your mother told us the story of that Icarus man. I was paranoid na ayaw kong magaya ka sa kanya."
It made me smile, sa kabila ng luha ko ay natawa pa ako.
"And... I ended up just like him, Pa. H-hindi ako nakinig at sumuway. Instead of staying in the safe side of the sky, hindi man ako masyadong bumaba at nabasa ang pakpak, tumaas naman ako ng lipad." I sniffed and hugged him more. "T-that in the end, the wax on my wings melted and I fell, Papa. A-at sobrang masakit po."
"That asshole might not have caught you but we did, my princess." He consoled me. "Ppa, us, your family will help you fly again, okay? Hinding-hindi ka namin tatalikuran."
Like babies, we cried together. Tama nga ang sabi nilang lahat at magkaugali kami ni Papa, mahilig sumuway kaya nasasaktan sa katigasan ng ulo, parehong masakit din sa ulo at nagpapataasan ng pride.
"Wow, may yakapan session ang mga matigas ang ulo, paano naman ako?" We both stopped and glanced at the door and saw my brother smirking at us.
Nagsalita rin ang matigas ang ulo!
"Late ka na, Marcus." Papa frowned at him pero ngumisi lang si Kuya at tinapon ang bag niya.
"Sama ako! Group hug!" he exclaimed, dinamba kami sa sofa ni Papa kaya napatili ako roon at pinalo siya.
"Kuya, you're heavy!" I hissed.
"Marcus ang kapatid mo!" Papa groaned pero tumawa lang si Kuya at hinalikan ang noo ko.
"Love ko kayo!" he laughed and screamed. "Mama, Dette! Group hug tayo, dali!"
Nakita ko ang pagdungaw ni Dette at lumaki ang ngisi niya.
"Ma! Hug!" she exclaimed, pulled our mother at natawa ako nang lumapit silang dalawa at nakisali sa harutan namin.
–
FOR our Christmas celebration, we went all the way to our province, Sta. Monica to celebrate. Lahat kami, walang exception sa bagay na iyon. We all cancelled our meetings and work for this celebration and to be with Mama Lena who was sad, I am sure pero hindi niya ipinakitang ganoon sa amin.
"Mga bakla, picture!" Scira screamed and lifted her camera.
"Peace sign, mga pokpok!" tawa ni Zire kaya ngumisi ako at nag-peace sign sa kanyang camera, pagkatapos ay binaba niya ang camera at tinignan ang picture.
"Luh, ang tae ko naman dito, bakit kayo magaganda?" ngiwi ni Zire. Nakidungaw ako sa picture.
"Hoy, si Daru lang ata maganda sa picture. Sexy mommah." Scira grinned kaya natawa ako at umiling.
"Mga loko, mali kasi ang lightings," I said and took the camera.
"Ako na pipicture sa inyo, trio tagapayo." Ngisi bigla ni Kuya Zion kaya natawa na kami at binigay sa kanya ang camera.
"Okay, Kuya!" I cheered.
"Usog kayo," he said kaya nagkapit-kapit kaming tatlo at ginawang background ang gate ng vacation house namin. "'Yan, very nice. Pose, mga bakla!" his voice even swayed, teasing us kaya natawa na kami at nag-pose.
Nakita ko rin ang ngiti ni Kuya habang nagpi-picture.
"Oks na?" ani Zire kaya tumango si Kuya Zy at lumapit sa aming tatlo.
"Oo. Shit, ang gwapo." He laughed, nilagpasan na kami kaya sabay-sabay kaming napatingin sa picture at napanganga lang ako na sa halip na picture naming tatlo ang makita ay nag-selfie lang si Kuya Zion doon.
"What..." Scira muttered.
"Zion Schauffer, ang pangit mo!" Zirena screamed pero humalakhak lang si Kuya Zion na kaagad sinipa ni Sibyl sa puwet kaya nagtatatakbo paalis.
"That idiot. Give me the cam, ako na ang magpi-picture," she offered.
"Grabe, I missed it here!" Ate Clyte showed up beside me kaya napangiti ako.
"Miss ka ba?" Kuya Chiel laughed kaya natawa ako at nilingon si Kuya na nasa likod ko na mabilis na umakbay sa akin. "Ano, ganda?"
"Matagal din tayong 'di nakapunta," I said softly before lifting my head and glanced at the gate, pina-renovate kasi ito dati noong bata pa lang ako and saw the coat of arms. May malaking S iyon sa gitna na ang ibig sabihin ay Sandejas. Sa ibaba ay may nakasulat na Latin.
Fluctuat nec mergitur
"Kuya, what does it mean?" I asked Kuya Chiel and pointed to the Latin.
"It is tossed by the waves but it does not sink," he said and messed with my hair.
Kanya-kanya kaming trip sa vacation house habang nando'n para mag-celebrate ng pasko hanggang bagong taon. My aunts and uncles, kasama sina Mama ay abala sa pagluto kasama si Mama Lena.
Si Queen Scira at Audette ay naglalaro kasama ang mga Yaya nila na kada ilang minuto ay bigla na lang nagsasabunutan dahil nagpa-fashion show sila ng mga Barbie nila at sasabihin ng isa na pangit ang Barbie ng isa at vice versa kaya palagi kaming nagpa-panic ni Scira sa mga kapatid.
"Ayan, kapatid pang maliit pa more..." hagalpak ni Zire sa aming dalawa na akala mo'y wala siya.
"Sus..." Biglang lumitaw si Tita Alyx at pinitik ang tainga ni Zire. "Kahit naman malaki ka na, sakit ka pa rin sa ulo," ani Tita sa kanya kaya bumusangot na ang pinsan.
"Mommy nga!" she hissed kaya napahagalpak kami ni Scira at nag-apir.
"Magtatampo na niyan si bunso," I teased her.
"Gagi, hindi, good girl 'yong amin," aniya sabay ngisi at tayo. "Kuya Zy! Gusto raw ng lumpia no'ng bulilit!"
We watched movies, food trip at namasyal sa Kawasan falls, naririnig ko ang asaran nila Papa roon at naaaliw ako.
"Hoy, alam n'yo ba..." Biglang chika ni Tito Zeij kaya natahimik kaming lahat.
"Zeijan!" Papa hissed and Tito Iñigo just smirked. Si Tita Zidney ay natatawa sa gilid at napapailing.
"Here we go again, throwback..." she muttered.
"Chill ka lang, Dash-beybe." Ngisi ni Tito Zeij na namaywang pa. "Uy, tignan mo, namumula si Reah-tot—"
"Isa, Zeijan." Iritang sabi ni Papa, namumula pero 'di papatalo si Tito Zeij.
"Share natin sa mga anak n'yo, alam n'yo ba, kids. No'ng ka-edad n'yo sina Dash-beybe at Reah-tot-tot-tot..." Nang-asar pa siya habang kumekendeng kaya napahagalpak na ako.
"I kept on asking him to consider a psychiatric evaluation," Tito Thorn said pero ngumisi lang si Tito Zeij.
"Tara dito, gwapo. Sabayan mo ako pagsayaw, sayawan mo si Macky-beybe mo," ani Tito na tinawag si Kuya Zion na palaban din.
"It's the Reah-tot dance again." Tito Iñigo shook his head.
Sibyl and Tita Lyx sighed and covered their faces, kumendeng pa ang dalawa roon.
"Nakita ko sila dati rito ni Reah-tot na nag-mo-MOMOL—" Napatili kami nang dambahin siya ni Papa kaya nahulog silang dalawa sa falls na tawang-tawa.
"Pagpasensyahan n'yo na si Zeijan Ruais at nahulog ako sa hagdan noong pinagbubuntis ko 'yan, naalog sa tiyan ko, side effect siguro," ani Mama Lena kaya napuno ng tawanan ang buong lugar.
"Hindi naman ako nahulog sa hagdan, Mommy." Tawa ni Tita Alyx. "Pero may ipekto ata sa anak ko." Tinuro niya si Kuya Zion na nakanganga lang sa amin.
"Hala! B-bakit ako na naman—"
"Ganyan talaga, minsan may defect sa baby. Baka expired na gatas nainom mo," ani Tito Thorn at parang manganganak na ata ako sa katatawa sa kanila.
On Christmas Eve, like usual we exchange gifts. Unlike that recent Christmas exchange gifts we had, now ang budget namin is one-fifty pesos para maiba naman.
It was one of the wittiest ever, nabunot ko si Kuya Deion kaya ibinigay ko sa kanya ang gift ko.
"Uy, square, ano 'to?" he laughed and carefully opened my gift.
"Well, I can't think of any gifts so..." I said and his eyes widened when he saw my gift to him.
It was a simple sketch of him and his girlfriend, naalala ko kasi sila noon sa grocery dati, noong tumatakbo sila sa ulanan. It was a sketch with them. May payong sa ulo, may hawak na grocery bags at nagtatawanan habang may ulan.
Napatingin siya sa akin, I saw his eyes soften kaya ngumiti ako at pinisil ang daliri.
"I-is it okay?" I asked and chuckled a bit. "I don't know if you're still with her pero kasi, nakita ko siya sa ospital noong kay Papa Jer dati, kasama n'yo ni Scira so I assumed..."
"Thank you, Darshana." He smiled at me, "I loved this." He offered me a hug kaya mabilis akong yumakap sa kanya.
"I bought gifts for your baby too," aniya kaya natigilan ako at nanlaki ang mata sa kanya.
"Really?" I asked and he nodded.
Naputol lang ang pag-uusap namin ni Kuya nang marinig ko ang tili ni Tita Zidney, napalingon kami at nanlaki ang mata ko nang makitang hinahabol niya si Tito Zeijan.
"Ang sabi ko sa wish list ko, anything useful! Why would you give me an arinola, Kuya?!" she was hysterical kaya natawa kami.
"Useful 'yan, ah! 'Di na tayo bumabata, mahina na ang pantog kaya arinola—"
"Pangit ka!" Tita Zidney screamed and ran after him at sabay-sabay kaming napalingon kay Tito Thorn.
"Don't mention me, I talked to him for about a million times for an evaluation but he always ended up pointing a gun at me." Nagkibit-balikat si Tito Thorn na isinayaw na lang si Queen na yakap ang teddy bear niyang regalo ni Audette.
...Na gusto rin sana ni Dette noong binili namin no'ng nakaraan, ayaw pa nga niya iregalo pero nauto lang ni Papa kaya nagpabili ng iba. Aso't-pusa talaga ang dalawang mga batang maliit, minsan BFF, minsan magkaaway.
Nag-no-Noche Buena na kami lahat-lahat pero hindi matigil sa pagreklamo si Kuya Zion dahil sa regalo sa kanya ni Kuya Macky na nakabunot sa kanya.
"Ang sabi ko, sapatos na Nike." He emphasized. "Pero ang ibinigay sa akin, Niek ang tatak!"
Halos mabuga ko ang nginunguya ko roon at inabutan lang ako ng tubig ng natatawang si Zirena.
"Baliw, one-fifty lang ang budget hihingan mo akong sapatos na branded? Walang fake na Nike na sapatos sa bangketa, may one-fifty akong nakita, ang brand niya, Niek." Kuya Marcus grinned at him. "Parehas lang 'yan, nagkabaligtad lang letters."
"Gago ka–"
"Factory defect lang 'yan, parehas lang! Arte!"
It was a fun vacation for everyone. We all bonded, si Mama Lena ay masayang-masaya rin habang nakikita kaming nagkakatuwaan. She said she's positive Papa is smiling in the heavens while seeing us all together, united and deeply rooted. That we all remained indestructible and not shaken by any storms that have passed and those about to come.
"To the Sandejas Family," The head of the house, the first heir of the clan next to Papa Jer, Tito Iñigo went to the platform and raised his wine glass.
"To the Sandejas Family!" we all cheered and lifted our wine glasses, juice lang ang laman ng sa akin dahil bawal daw kaya super inggit ako.
"Sandejas lang, walang titibag! Zion mapagmahal, sapat na!" Kuya Zy screamed after that at doon ko na tuluyang nabuga ang juice na sinimsim ko.
Pesteng jejemon 'yan, may naalala ako...
–
MONTHS passed and I became more sensitive, naging mahirap sa akin ang pagbubuntis. Buong duration ay hindi sila kumakain ng itlog sa bahay dahil nasusuka ako sa amoy. I kept on eating and eating cookies and I am always moody.
Papa was frantic noong ka-buwanan ko na, gusto na niya akong dalhin sa ospital pero ayaw ko pa. Mama is chill anyway, sila lang ni Kuya ang nagpa-panic na para bang sila ang nagbubuntis kaya natatawa ako sa kanila.
Isang gabi noong magpapahinga na ako ay tinawag ako ng kasama namin sa bahay at may bisita raw kami sa living room. Inayos ko ang maikling buhok habang pababa, marahang hinahawakan ang bilog na bilog kong tiyan para puntahan sila roon.
I saw my parents sitting in the couch, tulog na si Dette at lumapit ako sa kanila.
"Ano pong mayro'n?" I asked.
"We don't know, may sasabihin daw ang Kuya mo, urgent at malapit na raw sila," aniya kaya nagtatakang tumango ako.
Sila? May bisita ang Kuya?
Nang sinabi ng house help na nand'yan na sina Kuya ay napatayo kami, I caressed my stomach, curious kung bakit may ganito at kung sino ang kasama ni Kuya.
Kuya entered the house and confusion filled me when I saw a beautiful woman beside him, matapang ang kanyang mga mata at taas ang noo habang nakatingin sa amin.
"What's the matter?" I asked softly when I saw the confusion in my parent's eyes too.
"Come here, kids." Narinig kong sabi ni Kuya kaya muli akong napabaling doon at nagulang nang makita ang dalawang batang nakatago pala sa likod ng Kuya.
My eyes widened. The cute girl and boy looked so shy, magkahawak pa ang kamay ng dalawa at tila ayaw magbitaw.
"What's happening, Marcus?" seryosong tanong ni Papa, nakatitig sa dalawang bata na mukhang kinakabahan.
The familiar blue eyes of the boy stopped me, napatitig ako kay Kuya pabalik sa batang lalaki at napalunok na.
Don't tell me...
Kuya sighed and he looked so nervous but then, he cleared his throat and spoke.
"Pa, Ma, Daru..." Kuya started. "These are my kids."
Napanganga lang kaming lahat doon.
"Come on, twins, say hi to your grandparents and your Auntie," Kuya said and the shy kids started walking in little steps towards my stunned parents.
Napakurap-kurap din ako at 'di pa nagpo-proseso. I saw how the lady smirked and spoke.
"And I'm Storm, Mr. and Mrs. Sandejas." She smiled. "Marcus' wife."
Napahawak ako sa tiyan ko, I felt the pain suddenly kicked on my stomach at naramdaman ko ang basa sa aking hita.
"I-I'm..." I gasped and stared at my parents. "I-I think I-I'll give birth now."
"D-Dash, manganganak na ang anak mo!" Mama shrieked but my Papa is stunned, blinking. Katatapos lang magmano sa kanya ng dalawang bata.
"I-I have two..." tuliro niyang sabi at sumulyap sa kambal bago sa akin. "A-and one..."
"D-Dash, come on, ang anak mo—" mas napatili kami at parang lalabas na ata ang ulo ng anak ko nang nahulog si Papa sa sofa, wala ng malay.
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