【taeshan】 untitled
drabble, cringe.
i honestly don't know wtf i just wrote.
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Kim Donghyun realized he was gay at a pretty young age. He was fourteen, sitting in a circle full of boys, listening to them talk about girls but he wasn't paying attention to the conversation. All he could focus on was the face of his best friend, who was cracking jokes here and there, completely unaware of Donghyun's feelings. Pink lips curled into a smile as he rested his head on his hand, head slightly titling. Donghyun was in love with his best friend.
But nothing happened between them. He knew the other guy was very much into girls, especially the petite, pretty and shy type, he was neither of those. Donghyun kept those feelings to himself, locked away inside his heart. That was the first time he had felt love for someone. He will never forget the way his heart thumped loudly in his chest when his friend laughed, how his cheeks bloomed into a light shade of red at the closeness of their bodies when the other slung an arm over his shoulders, or when he cried all night after finding out his best friend had a girlfriend. It was a beautiful memory.
Donghyun never came out to his family, or left behind crumbs of his interest in boys, yet somehow, they seemed to know. They didn't say anything, no screaming, no questions asked, no "I'll fix you" talks, they just a sad and pained look on whenever his sister brought back home her boyfriend or the topic of love was brought up. The silence hurt more than expected, leaving deep cuts in his heart, blood dripping from the open wounds. Donghyun would rather take the beating, yelling, anything than this.
He tried dating girls, tried forcing himself to like them, however, there was no attraction. The touches didn't feel electrifying, it didn't make his heart flutter, it never did. Donghyun could be dating the nicest, prettiest girl and he would still feel like the most miserable person in the whole world. It didn't lead anywhere, he ended up breaking up with all of them. He couldn't do this anymore. They all deserved someone who truly loved them, not an asshole like him.
"I'm sorry for using you," he kept his head low, apologizing shamefully. Whatever insult his ex-girlfriend was going to throw at him, he was ready to take it all. That's what he deserves for being an asshole. "I like guys... I know it's not normal, that's why I dated girls to see if it could fix me. But nothing changed, I still like them and I can't pretend that I don't any longer. I'm so, so, so sorry for dragging you into this. I should've dealt with it myself"
"You know what Donghyun? I would be furious if only I didn't do the same thing to you," she giggled softly at his shocked expression. The girl clasped her hands, sighing as she looked up at the blue sky above them. "I- I also used you to cover up the fact that I like girls, so I guess we're even now"
She turned to him then took both of his hands, squeezing them tightly. "I'm going to live true to myself from now on, no more pretending," the woman paused briefly and Donghyun could see the tears welling up in her eyes. "I hope you'll find love soon, Hyun-ah"
"You too, noona"
Her words stuck in his mind, replaying over and over again. Finding love sounds really out of reach, something that only happens in a fairytale, Donghyun isn't sure whether it's possible or not. Even if he does find the right person, will he be able to overcome the guilt and fear or be consumed by them? Most of his friends have already got a partner, seeing them post pictures together on social media reopens the wounds that are barely healing. Donghyun's hatred for himself grows like a deadly tumor, taking roots there as it slowly drains his life force.
"God why did it end up like this?" Donghyun sobs, hiccuping through tears. He curls into a ball and wraps his arms around his body, hugging himself tightly. "Why couldn't I be normal like the others?"
Kim Donghyun is going to live his life in a closet, hiding himself away so no one can ever hurt him again. It will be lonely, but it's the best option. That is until he meets Han Dongmin, his boss from the corporate job he landed on. Dongmin is kind, caring, he's mature, he's cute, and he makes donghyun feel warm and fuzzy. He doesn't know how the latter manages to reawaken that feeling, it washes over him like a tsunami, drowning out everything but Dongmin. Dongmin seems to like him the same way, Donghyun can feel the older's gaze whenever their hands brush together while he's handing over the documents, lingering a bit too long for it not to mean anything. And for once, he lets himself indulge in it.
Donghyun climbs into Dongmin's laps as they kiss, he throws his arms over the latter's shoulders, pulling him closer while Dongmin grabs his waist possessively, keeping him in place. It's late, there's no one in the office except them, the sound of lips smacking, the little moans and groans that come out are amplified by the silence, blending with the noise from the air conditioner. It feels good, his heart is racing, head spinning from how heavenly Dongmin's touches feel. It's too good to be true, everything feels like a dream, one that he doesn't want to wake up from. Hot tears spill from his eyes onto the latter's shirt, now wrinkled from how tightly he clawed at it. Dongmin gently wipes the tears away, his gaze softening at the sight of Donghyun's watery doe eyes.
"What's wrong baby?" he asks, large hands rubbing Donghyun's back in circles to comfort him.
Donghyun shakes his head. He leans on dongmin and buries his face in the older's neck, not so secretly inhaling the smell of his cologne. "Nothing, just got a bit emotional kissing my boss," he murmurs, his words drawing a chuckle out from the latter. Donghyun glances up, reaches out to cradle Dongmin's face. "You don't know how much i dreamed of this"
"Me too. I've wanted you from the very first time we met each other," Dongmin turns around, placing a kiss on the palm of his right hand. The gesture is weirdly intimate that Donghyun is melting against his touch, butterflies swamping inside his belly, his body pressing impossibly close to Dongmin.
"I love you, Donghyun. Be my boyfriend please?"
Donghyun stiffens, his pupils dilate lightly. The look of sadness on his parents' face still haunts him every now and then, the voices appear in the back of his head, telling him that things will never get better and turn back before it's too late. So Donghyun, trembling as a layer of tears begins to blur his vision, pushes himself off Dongmin and runs towards the door, much to the latter's confusion.
"Donghyun wait—"
Once the younger exits Dongmin's office, he grabs his belongings and hurries to the elevator, his finger pressing the button repeatedly. The elevator makes a 'ding', its doors opening agonizingly slow. Donghyun enters, presses the close button and just a second before the doors fully shut, he sees Dongmin rushing towards him, shirt disheveled, face painted with hurt. The last string holding his sanity together breaks, Donghyun slumps down onto the floor, resting against the cold wall and violently bursts into tears. His heart aches for the other man, yearning for the love it could receive, yet the voices keep him grounded, reminding him of his parents' reaction again and again. As long as he still feels for the same gender, he'll never be free. The elevator doors slide open, Donghyun picks himself off the floor and rushes out of the building. He'll phone in for a leave tomorrow, he doesn't think he can face Dongmin after what happened today.
Donghyun spends the next day thinking about the kiss and Dongmin's confession. It was no doubt amazing, the best kiss he has ever had so far. He blushes as the memory of their passionate made out section appears, he can still feel the man's ghostly touches lingering near his waist. However, his mood turns sour and he cringes at his action yesterday. He could've given Dongmin a proper rejection, the respect that the man deserves, but he chose to run away like a coward instead. Donghyun groans, nuzzling his head into the pillow. He considers quitting the job so he wouldn't have to face Dongmin again. It sounds ridiculous, Donghyun knows that, but the thought of meeting the latter after he straight up ditched him has his stomach in knots. Maybe if he hadn't stayed behind overtime, all of this wouldn't have happened. Donghyun tosses and turns all night until his body gives up from exhaustion.
The next day, he shows up to work like normal, acting like he wasn't crashing out the day before. So far so good, there is lots of work that needs to be finished today so Donghyun uses it to distract himself from thinking about the incident. Donghyun's hyper focused on the tasks that he loses track of time, and by the time he glances at his watch, it's already lunch break. He saves the files then backs away from the desk to stretch his arms and shoulders, a small contended hum escaping from his lips. Despite working all morning, he doesn't feel hungry at all, so he decides to head to the lounge for some snacks. Donghyun turns around, the smile on his lips dropping when he sees Dongmin standing behind him, brows furrowed with a serious expression plastered over his face.
"Hi," he manages to utter a forced greeting. The others have gone out for lunch so there are only the two of them here, yet it feels suffocating.
"We need to talk," Dongmin says coldly, his low voice echoing across the room. The older grabs his wrist and Donghyun lets himself be dragged as they head straight to Dongmin's office.
Donghyun enters the room first and he hears the door click shut with Dongmin standing in front to block it. The latter leans against the door, arms crossed, feline eyes staring at him as he waits for Donghyun to speak up. Donghyun swallows nervously, diverting his eyes elsewhere to avoid the intense glare the man is giving him. The air becomes thick with a sense of dread as anxiety creeps up, Donghyun's head hurts like it's been cracked open, his body trembling while he unconsciously gasps for air. His lungs are failing him, he can't breathe. The younger feels like passing out on the spot until a pair of arms wraps around him. It's warm, safe and comfortable, he takes in the faint scent of fresh clothes as he brings his arms up and hesitantly hugs the man. Dongmin's grip tightens, the hand supporting his head runs through the long brown locks of hair, gently petting him.
"It's okay now," the older man whispers, the trace of anger in his tone is no longer there, replaced by something lighter. Dongmin lets out a heavy sigh, moving away so he can face the younger one properly. "Sorry for pouncing on you like that. I was just scared you'd run away like last time"
"About that, I'm also sorry for doing that to you," Donghyun lowers his head, guilt written on his face. He's not fully ready to share the whole story yet, but he'll use this chance to fix what he did. "I guess I owe you an explanation"
Dongmin doesn't say anything. He only looks at the younger, waiting for him to speak up. Donghyun takes a deep breath before he begins. "I was just... scared. People of the same gender dating isn't something you see everyday and it's not that well received either, you know how cruel society can be. Besides, you're the boss, us dating will affect your reputation. I-I just think it's not worth ruining your image for an employee like me"
The silence is loud, only the sound from the AC can be heard. Donghyun carefully scans the older man's expression. Dongmin looks rather calm, his posture becomes more relaxed and a smile finds its way onto his lips.
"Donghyun-ah, I'm happy that you care for me. Though honestly speaking, I couldn't care less about what people think," Dongmin chuckles. He takes Donghyun's hand, interlocks their fingers, and brings it up for a kiss. Dongmin looks at the younger, eyes oozing with adoration and love for the person in front of him. "Love knows no bounds. I'm not going to stop loving you just because society decides that it's wrong for people of the same gender to be together,"
"Dongmin, I–"
"I don't know what you've been through so I'm not going to comment on it. But I hope you'll give yourself a chance to lower your walls and experience what it's like to love. And if you let me, I'll be the one to give it to you, I'll show you how amazing it feels. And one day, you'll realize that it's not as scary as you think."
Donghyun's breath hitches, the tears are threatening to fall from the corner of his eyes but he holds them back. Dongmin maintains eye contact with him from start to finish, never breaking them even for a brief moment, his grip is firm and it makes the younger one feel secure. The man doesn't force an answer out of Donghyun, giving him as much time as he needs to make the decision. After a while, Donghyun speaks up, a small but genuine smile adorns his face.
"It doesn't sound too bad, maybe I'll give it a try,"
"Great, great," Dongmin's face visibly lights up, trying to contain the excitement but his voice betrays him. Donghyun only giggles. "How about I take you out for dinner tonight? Get to know each other more, you know?"
"Yeah, I'd love that."
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if there's anything you want to see me write, please leave behind a comment. i'll consider it.
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