Chapter 15
Author's Note: hello my faithful readers. Thank you so much for voting and commenting. I can't say that writer's block is completely gone, but your nice comments and votes are working, so more normal updates from now on.
Remember how I said that this story has twenty chapters in the beginning? Well, I didn't lie but it's looking to be two of three chapters longer than I planned. So please be patient with me. Thank you all.
In the mean time, here is a new chapter for your pleasure. Please read and enjoy and don't forget to vote so that I can boot writer's block's behind. : )
Chapter 15
I thought I was going to break. I thought I wouldn't make it. I hurried into Pete's car, holding my breath, trying to fight my heart from racing and turned my face away to the window. Pete didn't ask me anything. He started the car as soon as he got in and we drove off.
Through the side mirror I could see him watching us leave looking so dejected. The view faded and I closed my eyes, grabbed hold of my emotions and kept them in a tight leash. No, Arthit, you can't do it right now. You have to wait.
Pete was nice to me, always. He took me around for a drive for almost two hours never asking how I felt, where I wanted to go, never asking anything.
Soon we were back at my house. Kongpob's car was gone. "Thank you, Pete" I said and climbed down.
When I was at my door I see that Pete was still following me. I blinked questionably at him.
"Just checking to see if you need anything," he said.
What I needed was space, but maybe not space. Maybe I shouldn't be alone. I don't trust that I wouldn't call Kongpob right now. Pete will keep me in line, even though he doesn't know anything.
"Okay," I nodded. "Yeah, just stay for an hour or so." I let us in to my house and went into the room after telling him to feel comfortable.
Once I see the empty well made bed I knew at once that I can no longer hold it and pretend to myself that I was okay. Kongpob had made this bed just that morning, neatly, carefully. He had kissed me good morning on this very bed and I had no way of knowing that it was our last and final kiss.
I love Kongpob. Maybe I never say it out loud or don't say it often enough but I love him, with all my heart. There is no length I would not go for him, nothing I would not endure for him but this has to be the end. We can't continue to chase a hopeless life together anymore. I have to let him go and admit to myself that it was impossible.
I tried didn't I? I endured it when he went along with the wedding and nearly married Anya, even when I got injured, when he broke up with me because of Anya's father, when he asked me to hide our relationship, when I had to pretend that I couldn't see how much closer he was getting with Anya, when I ignored the gut feeling that Kongpob was lying to me. I tried right? I am not wrong, right? This had to happen.
But why. I clutch my chest, why does it have to hurt so badly. I closed my eyes to keep the tears but they came out anyway, spilling down the side of my face.
I was the most selfish person alive for not seeing that I needed to give up sooner. It took Kongpob's father nearly dying and now P'Dean for me to see that I was hurting people for my own selfish desire. I was putting Kongpob at risk too. I have to let him go, I have to move on. It will hurt but I will make it through. One day, maybe not tomorrow or next month, but I will... be able to feel better.
I sniffed as the tears clogged my throat. I was trying to be really quiet so that Pete wouldn't hear from the living room, but each memory of us in this apartment, even though it was not even up to three weeks we spent in it together, was playing through my mind. I could see Kongpob smile, when he would pretend to be upset, when he would be troublesome. I could see it everywhere.
Can I ever sleep in this bed without turning towards Kongpob or reaching for him? Will I ever bath in this bathroom without calling for Kongpob to get me the towel I forgot to take with me? My life would always feel out of place, wouldn't it?
The pain of that, the fact that I won't feel complete again, almost crumbled me. My breath escaped in sharp hush sobs and my chest was hurting as if my heart really would break.
"P'Arthit?"
I raised my head and turned to the door but didn't answer.
"P'Arthit, are you okay?" he started to open the door but I rushed forward to stop him.
"What is it Pete?" I asked my voice unmistakably hoarse. He didn't say anything for a moment. The room behind me was still in darkness with light streaming through the blinds of the balcony window and I hoped that was enough to hide the tear tracks.
"I was just wondering if you need anything," Pete said. I was so grateful to him; his presence was a little reassuring but the fact that he turned a blind eye to my moment of weakness while giving me the ever present support if I needed it was really all I could ask for.
"No, but thank you Pete. If you want to go home then just go, no need to tell me. Just close the door on your way."
"I will stay the night, P'Arthit. Unless you are kicking me out."
I wasn't. "You can stay if you want."
"Then I will stay. You've got a great couch Team Leader," he smiled at me. "I will go make myself something to eat then."
I nodded and closed the door. Once I was sure that he was gone, I went into the bathroom and shut the door on me. My mind was successfully distracted. I looked red eyed in the mirror over the sink. I turned on the water and washed my face and all signs of my weakness away.
One step at a time, one step at a time I will be able to do this. When I returned to my room, my phone was ringing. I knew instinctively it was Kongpob. My throat clogged. I picked up the phone and stared at his name then I ended the call.
Soon a message flashed. I had to read it even though I didn't plan to because it was directly displayed on the screen. I'm outside, it read, please come out and talk to me.
Of course Kong wouldn't give up. His stubbornness and resilience is one reason I love him but I can't face him, I will lose to him. He will convince me that we should continue trying, he knew all my weaknesses. I can't face him.
So I wrote back: Go away Kongpob, it's over.
It's not. P'Arthit, if you tell me that you don't love me anymore then I will believe you, so come out and say it to my face.
I trembled as I read it. I can't say that. I clenched the phone. But if I don't, Kongpob won't leave me alone.
I rose to my feet and went to look through the balcony window. There was a neighbor walking into the compound, my car and then Kongpob standing next to it, glancing at his phone. He lifted his face and I pulled back from the window.
He really was down there. If he stays down there I can try to ignore him but what if he climbs up and camps out in front of my door.
I wrote on my phone: Go home Kongpob.
I nearly added please but thought better of it. It would only encourage Kongpob to pester me until my walls come falling.
He called this time, apparently wanting to persuade me with his voice. I didn't know that speaking directly to him wouldn't be too hard. I did my best to feign coldness back when I told him that I wanted us to break up, I can't summon that energy right now.
What do I do?
"P'Arthit?" Pete was at the door. "is something wrong?"
How was he doing that? He seems to be keying to my emotions. "No, nothing," I said
"Are you sure..." he paused. "Because I just saw Kongpob downstairs right now."
I walked to the door just as Kong began calling again. He looked from my face then at my ringing phone when I opened the door. "can you talk to him for me, Pete?" I hated how my voice shook but I can't help that.
It was a crappy thing to pass the job to my junior and especially Pete but I didn't know what else to do.
He looked at me thoughtfully, then he grabbed the phone and smiled. "Are you sure? I could say something that could forever destroy any chances of the two of you ever getting back together."
I looked towards the balcony and nodded. There was nothing he could say that wouldn't give me the result I wanted, I told myself. "Yeah, go ahead Pete." I said, "I'm going to try and get some sleep now."
I walked back inside my room but I didn't climb on the bed. I walked past the bed, to the balcony and peeked out. Kongpob was talking on the phone now, he looked... really mad. I watched him talk vehemently into the phone then when the call ended he smashed the phone on the hood of my car in anger. What did Pete say to make him so angry?
I stood there for two hours watching him pace, look at my window, lower his head as if crying, look at my window again and keep pacing; my heart so stuffed I couldn't take it. Seeing Kongpob like this, so confused, frustrated and all because of me.
This was the right thing to do. Kongpob didn't even tell me that Anya's father had ordered the accident on P'Dean. Because I turned a blind eye, because I wanted to believe that we could somehow still win this battle. If Anya had not said it, I would have thought that P'Dean had just been unlucky. After all the accident hadn't even happened on the high way, she was not in her car and she was just leaving my place.
I have to give up on this, Kongpob had to understand, but if I told him he wouldn't just accept it. He would fight and make things even more difficult for everyone. It has to be me.
If Kongpob remains downstairs, I won't be able to sleep. I need him to go but I also want to keep him in my sight. Would Anya make him happy? Would she really and sincerely love him? It looked like it, she was willing to go to terrible lengths for Kongpob, she would love him.
I scrubbed tears from my face and straightened up when Kongpob opened his car and entered. Hours have passed and I wondered if he was going home now, but he didn't drive off immediately. I watched his car come alive and seat there for minutes then he drove off.
He is upset and driving what if he gets into an accident? I should find a way to know that he got home safely. I reached for my phone but Pete has not returned it.
"Pete, " I called him as I entered the living room. He was sleeping on my couch in his boxers, his t-shirt riding up on his belly. He sure was comfortable, I thought as I began to search for my phone.
I couldn't find it on the table where his was seating with the remote controls, and I couldn't find it anywhere else around, even on the counter. I looked at the space hoping to spot it, then I did. It was wedged between Pete's body and the sofa. He was half sleeping on it. What a place to put my phone.
I shook my head and leaned over him to get it. He stirred slightly and I stopped. It would be better if he doesn't wake up, I didn't want to have to explain why I was calling Kongpob. After he settled in, I lowered down and grab hold of my phone, half of it in my hand.
"hm, P'Arthit." I thought he was just mumbling but when I looked his eyes were wide open and then he grabbed my hand, startling a yelp out of me, and threw me under him on the sofa.
One moment I was hovering over him, the next I was on my back with a white lanky male staring down at me, his legs straddling me.
We stared at each other, my mouth open his eyes wide. "P'Arthit?"
"Pete," I said indignantly. How did he throw me over so easily, where did he learn to be so strong. "Get off."
"oh, sorry," he rolled to his feet and looked at me as I sat straight on the sofa. "What are you doing P'Arthit?"
I winced, "can you not call me that?" occasionally Pete calls me P'Arthit but I was used to him calling me Team Leader, but I also didn't care before when he recently changed to calling me P'Arthit, but I cared now, for some reason.
"Okay," Pete shrugged. "So are you going to answer my question?"
"Huh?" I have forgotten what the question was but Pete sighed and with little movement plucked the phone I was clutching in my hand.
"Is it because of this?" he asked.
I narrowed my eyes. "Give it back to me, Pete," I tried with my hazer voice.
He smiled, "no."
"What?"
"I said nooo," he emphasized the word childishly and had me frowning with irritation. "You are just going to call Kongpob. I don't think you should, not until tomorrow."
"Pete," I said warningly.
He looked at my expression and held out the phone. I relaxed and reached for it but he pulled it back just before I could take it. I glared at him and he looked innocently back and held the phone to me again. I reached for it and he pulled it back.
"Pete!"
He laughed loudly. "Come on P'Arthit—I mean Team Leader, that isn't going to work on me."
This wimpy looking peacock. "Don't get me angry, I am getting pretty close," I grounded out but the idiot couldn't hear my warning, he made me chase him around the sofa till I was out of breath. By the time I wrestled the phone free, I was too tired and puffing. I smacked him good and started for my bedroom.
"Don't call him tonight," Pete stopped my movement with those words. "You will regret it, like I did when P'Book broke up with me. If you really want to end things with Kongpob you have to cut off all contact."
I didn't want to listen to him, after all I only wanted to make sure that Kongpob was okay.
"And if you don't, it would only be uncomfortable for the two of you, only cause more pain. So, I think that you want a clean break, don't you."
I bit my lip and shook my head. "No! That's not what I want." It was startling but I admitted it. It feels like my heart is being torn to shreds right now, like I can't even stand on my own. "I don't want a clean break, right now. I don't know how I am going to live without him. I don't know where I am going to go to get away from the pain of thinking about life without him. I don't want to end things with him, don't you understand?"
I turned around and he was staring agape at me. I know, I am not myself I am crying for the first time in front of him and I looked pathetic, weak. But I can't hold it back anymore. "This is so unfair, don't you get it, Pete? This isn't what he wants and it isn't what I want. This is something that I have no other choice but to do. This is something that I can't get out of so I am clenching my teeth and enduring and telling myself that this is the only way but... but." I broke apart. I wiped my tears looking at the floor between us.
I saw him come closer but I didn't know what he was going to do or say. Pete hugged me. He didn't say a word and just hugged me. I was half tempted to shove his arms off but I stopped barely and allowed the hug.
"I'M sorry, P'Arthit," he whispered. "I am so sorry."
In the end, I managed to sleep without calling Kongpob. That did not mean that I wasn't worried. I juggled my phone on my knee while Pete took his sweet time eating a breakfast of cereals.
When we got out of the building and I approached my car, I froze. Kongpob was seating on the floor next to it. My heart skipped, I forgot my cold face and stared wide eyed at him. He was sleeping. No, did he sleep here? All night? But I definitely saw him leave.
"What is it,P'Arthit?" Pete who had been going to his own car came back probably because of my expression and stared. "Whoa, when did he get here?"
His voice was too loud, I turned and covered his mouth with my palm but it was too late. Kongpob jerked awake and looked at us. We both stared at each other then he stood up.
"Kongpob," I said, trying for my cold mask as I retrieved my hand from Pete's mouth. "What are you doing here?"
He glanced at Pete with something close to hostility then at me, "I just wanted to see you."
"Kongpob..."
"I know, you don't want to see me. But at least hear me out. I have a clue why you are doing this. It's the secret right? You figured it out?"
"No," I replied. "That's one more thing I don't care about anymore."
His face turned wounded and because it was a lot harder to bear than yesterday I looked away. "I have to go to work, Kongpob."
"Okay, I know... I just," his voice shook. "I miss you. It's barely being a day and I miss you so much. I just wanted to get a good look at you before I leave."
Please. I couldn't speak. I don't know how I am going to keep doing this.
"Have a good day at work, P'Arthit."
I didn't say anything, swallowed and opened the door into my car. Once I was on the road and a few blocks away, I had to stop and take back control over myself.
When I got to work, Pete came to me. "Are you okay?"
I smiled and nodded. "Don't worry about me, I am fine."
"But something tells me Kongpob is not going to give up. He looks worse for wear compared to yesterday."
Yes, I noticed. His clothes were dirty and his hair in disarray. I know.
"What if he keeps this up, are you going to be okay?"
I have already thought about it. Kongpob isn't going to give up, he would slowly but surely wear out all my resistance, not that I had any against him when he is like this; hurting and looking broken. If I give in and return to that relationship then I would watch Kongpob marry Anya, I would...even encourage him to, so that we could end the reign of terror Anya and her father have wedged over our life. I would stand there and see it happen and feel humiliation for the rest of my life as Kongpob leads a healthy married life with Anya.
No, I can't do that. I won't. But what are my options.
"Pete, "I said, "What did you tell Kongpob to make him angry?"
"What?" he blinked cluelessly so I clarified.
"Over the phone?"
"Oh, I just told him that you are going to be my boyfriend soon. That I am in love with you and I would confess to you soon." He smiled brightly.
My mouth nearly fell through the floor. "What? Are you serious?" I thought he was kidding me.
"Yeah," he nodded with a nonchalant slant of his shoulder. "He believed me and was really mad. You know P'Arthit if you become my boyfriend, I could drive Kongpob away from you."
"Don't even joke about that," I snapped at him. I have no interest in men, just Kongpob.
"I'm serious. You were just thinking it right? That you need to drive Kongpob away?"
I sighed, "That would..." hurt him. If I even pretended that Pete was my boyfriend, Kongpob would hurt badly. I can't bear to cause him pain, the same pain I feel when I see him with Anya, when I think of them together. I shook my head hoping that thought would never come again.
"Alright, if you say so."
"The only thing I should be thinking of now is how to capture Anya's father." I paused and looked at him. "Your father."
He shrugged, "I don't have a clue. I would happily get rid of him for you P'Arthit but I don't know how."
I nodded, neither did I but I have to come up with a way. I can't let him get away with what he did to Kongpob's father and P'Dean. Without Kongpob by my side I can do anything without risking him. This was good. It would be a while before my heart believes that but my head understood that and so I began my day.
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