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I just need to spill my guts to nobody in particular.

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I hate that I'm so easily replaceable. It doesn't matter what I do, I know that somebody can always find another person who can do it just as well or better. I'm just there...And that's all I'm good at is being there.

I try really, really hard. I'm tired of just bring abandoned and ignored, so I try really hard to avoid that, but in the end, it always happens. Nobody can put up with me for long. Whether it happens in a day, or in a few years, everybody leaves me.

Obviously, I prefer liking somebody and having them decide I'm not worth effort within twenty four hours, rather than giving me enough time to get truly attached.

But sometimes, I get attached too quickly and easily.

What I hate the most about me being like this though is how paranoid I get. If somebody doesn't reply to me, I instantly jump to the thought that I did something wrong. That I made them mad, or bored them too much.
Even if it's only been like a day.

But, even though you might assume that only applies to people on here, it doesn't, it applies to the people I know in real life.

I've never been the kid people invite to hang out with them outside of school. I've had friends tell me I'm only good to kill time in school.

I've even had kids tell me I'm only fun to harass.

Well, I guess none of us are kids anymore, but I still get treated the same way. And I still let people treat me that way because I'm terrified that they'll leave me and I'll be alone again.

I try to act like I don't care, but I really do. I care so much that I lay in bed for hours, worried that I upset somebody that I only talked with for maybe two hours.

I can't sleep for days if I'm worried that I made somebody I've known for longer upset.

Honestly, I haven't been able to sleep for the last few weeks. All because I feel myself being left behind again. I've maybe gotten two or three hours a night, on the good nights.

I'm so fucking scared. And nobody can say anything to ease my fear. Whenever somebody tries to tell me I'm wrong, that they do care and won't leave me, I don't believe them. I've been told that and still been abandoned so many times before.

That's all I wanted to get off my chest for now.