Love letter for my lost ones
People become poetic when they're in love, and maybe I am no exception.
Maybe. Because the thing is that I feel more hollow than ever when I get in a relationship.
Oh, "love"? When you want to pamper and care for someone so badly? When you cherish every single moments you have with that mesmerizing person?
How much love is enough to be called love?
When you want to spend time with them but they want to have intimate moments instead of just some playtime? When you want to be happy with them but they could only gain pleasure from you if you show them that you love them romantically?
Nothing makes sense anymore. I'm sorry.
***
Sorry for being emotionally unavailable. Sorry for failing to accept my very responsibility.
Sorry for having been unpredictable. Sorry for being so predictable you won't even expect me to meet your expectations.
Sorry for having disappointed you. Sorry for losing you all. Sorry for losing myself.
I don't have to right to say I love you. All I can do is apologize, although you're probably exasperated by now. Oh, who am I to dictate and define what you feel, let alone acting upon such presumptions? Who am I to keep repeating my words and mistakes while not taking any actions to make a difference?
"Sorry, sorry so much. I love you all. I care for you enough to torment myself with cries and self-hatred whenever I fail to do something as told or expected. I care enough to degrade myself for every misdeed I've done, while still trying to keep myself sane not to resort to more intense harmful behaviors." Sounds too much like lies and excuses, too much like a rebellious teenager with deranged and twisted mindsets. Not even a tragic hero, just an average hindrance seemingly under the cover of a villain's backstory.
Such words won't explain, justify or change anything, will they? That's why I keep them in quotation marks. Hasty words from jumbled thoughts and messy emotions aren't really useful, only giving my paranoid self a false sense of self-expression and justification.
Am I steering away from what I initially wanted to say? Probably. Should you stop reading? I'm surprised you're reading this line.
"Sorry. Thank you. I'll keep going- No, I'll try better."
Yet another line full of unsaid words. Except that this time it's what I need to say, have to say, must say, should say. If I ever am to open my mouth and reply to your anguish that I caused.
Sorry. No, thank you. Thank you for all your efforts, from the past, the presence, to the future.
I can only hope that I'm able to try the same way you have always been trying.
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