Kabanata 20
Content Warning: The following chapter consists of sensitive scenes that could trigger readers. This chapter can trigger depression and will include self-harm, abuse, blood and gore. Reader's discretion is advised.
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Kabanata 20
.·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·.
BULLET
I'm bleeding but it's okay. I'll die, anyway.
"We should go to the hospital, Bullet!" Jayden insisted but I continued walking out at the back of the building.
"Bullet!"
"Yes, okay," I breathed and faced him, "alright, we'll go. I'm fine."
"You're fine?" Nagsalubong ang kilay niya, "namumutla ka! You're bleeding! Hindi porket sanay ka na wala na lang 'to sa 'yo!"
"Are we leaving now, then?" Seryoso kong sabi. "Let's go, tayong dalawa lang? Sigurado ka?"
He cursed, as if he realized something. Hinawakan niya ako at marahang inalalayan sa parking sa likod bago sumulyap pabalik sa building.
"I'll go get Clau, you stay here, okay?" Utos niya.
I nodded lazily. He gave me a sharp glare.
"Yes," I nodded, "go on and fetch her. I'm hungry."
He took something from his pocket and pushed it against my waist. I flinched and hissed at him.
"Stop the bleeding," iritado niyang sita sa 'kin. "If you don't want to die, do it!"
Well, what if I'd rather be dead?
"Shut it, Bullet," mas naging galit ang boses niya. "Stop it. Whatever you're thinking. I don't like it."
"Bakit? Ano bang iniisip ko?" Natawa ako at pagod siyang tinitigan.
He didn't say anything and sighed, "we'll talk about this later, okay? We'll settle this with Clau. Stay right there. Do not leave."
"Okay," I nodded and took the handkerchief from his hand. "Go and fetch your pretty girlfriend."
"We're not..." he stopped and frowned more. "Stay here,"
He looked suspicious and hesitant but when I gave a small nod, umatras siya at hindi ako inalisan ng tingin bago tumakbo papasok.
I looked around and back at the door Jayden got in. I was in a parking and my eyes locked with a black bike from the distance.
I scratched my cheek.
I took the other knife strapped on my other leg and walked slowly towards it while pressing the handkerchief, trying to stop the bleeding.
I lifted my knife and did the usual to start the car and when the engine started, isinampa ko ang paa ko roon at muling sumulyap sa building.
In my head, there was nothing but Zion and Twinkle and how I placed their lives in danger. They did nothing but trust me, let me become a part of a family I didn't know I needed in my life and felt my heart breaking more than it already was with the thought they could've died because of me.
As I drove away from the building, I could feel my chest tightening. Way more painful than these wounds I had.
If this wasn't love, I wonder what is it?
How silly, Bullet. You don't know how to love. You aren't capable of it.
Maybe you had heart diseases, idiot. Love? No.
I drove for I didn't know how long with a place in my mind. My old house.
My eyes are getting blurry, the grip on the bike started loosening and I feel so sleepy. Naghahalo at mas nagiging malabo na ang ilaw galing sa mga sasakyan.
I widened my eyes, trying to focus on the road. I maneuvered the bike and beat the red light, smirking when the bike almost got hit by a large truck if I was late for a millisecond.
Sayang.
The driver was screaming, "tang ina mo ka! Kung magpapakamatay ka, h'wag ka nang mandamay ng ibang tao!"
My eyes closed but I widened it more and doubled my speed, turning in every shortcuts to get to the location for my body can't take it anymore.
Just when I was five minutes away from the house, my bike slipped. Tumilapon iyon pagilid kasama ako kaya umikot ako sa kalsada at tumama kung saan.
I winced and laughed when I realized I'm still alive.
Hindi ko na pinansin ang bike at naglakad na lang para makauwi. I was limping, I'm sure I have scratches from the fall but it just felt numb.
I could see the drops of blood falling somewhere from my body and I just watched the trail following me behind. If someone saw it the next morning, I'm sure they'd assume someone was murdered here.
I reached the house and didn't have my keys so I climbed to the gate and fell on the ground, losing my balance. My eyelids fell and tried standing but couldn't anymore. Seems like my feet gave up on me, too.
In the end, I crawled towards the house and forced it open before falling on the tiled floor. Itinukod ko ang braso at sumandal sa gilid ng sofa, nakatitig sa kawalan.
This house used to be my comfort, somehow became my safe place but right now? It was so cold it's freezing. I didn't even know it was this cold and empty until I got a taste of warmth and home.
The blood's gushing out of me and I could see the red stains on my palm, mine mixing with other demons I killed. Maybe if I die tonight, we'll meet in hell.
Oh, I can't wait to torture them again for hurting my sweet Twinkle.
Nahulog ang ulo ko sa sofa kaya muli akong umayos ng upo at tumitig sa kawalan, I felt a cold drop on my cheek and I realized I was crying again.
Did I really soften? This much?
A year ago, I'm sure I would laugh and kill any person who would tell me I'd be like this a few months later.
My head dropped. I was dizzy my eyes are blurry. I should take my contacts off before taking a nap but I just can't. It's heavy now.
I pressed the handkerchief on my waist more but with the blood loss? I doubt it'll make a difference.
I have medical supplies in my secret room in the basement. Dito kami madalas nina Jayden at Clau kapag may misyon at may injuries. Sometimes, a medical professional would come but Jayden was trained for things like this.
He sat along with medical students before but didn't get the chance to take a licensure exam, he said. Like me, he was a ghost in college. 'Di ko man maalala ang buhay ko no'ng kolehiyo—o kung nakatapos ba ako pero ang sabi sa 'kin ay nakikipagsabayan lang kami sa mga nag-aaral para hindi raw tatanga-tanga sa misyon.
I guess I didn't really graduate. I don't have talents. I only know where to stab and attack to kill a person. That's the only thing I'm good at.
I'm not sure if I'm in the dreamland when I heard the door creaking. Fuck, I didn't lock it!
I closed my eyes.
If ever Wyatt escaped—or he didn't even made it to the building and he followed me here, there's no point in running away. He'd kill me in a heartbeat.
Too bad, I was really planning to burn him alive but in my position now?
My eyes remained closed until I heard large footsteps sprinting towards me.
I'm sleepy. Gusto ko na magpahinga...
"What the fuck are you doing, Leticia?!" A familiar voice roared. I stiffened.
I opened my eyes a little, realizing I was dreaming when I saw my husband walking closer to me.
"Hey, Zy," I whispered and smiled, "d-did you come to kill me?"
"What the hell are you doing?!" He was even handsome when mad. "I was looking for you!"
I smiled faintly. His blue eyes intensified. He looks so angry.
I hope I won't wake up from this dream ever again. Kahit galit siya, ayos lang. Basta dito lang siya.
In my dreams, Zion carried me somewhere and I moved my head, snuggling on his chest to feel his heart I broke beating against my ear before I lost it all.
It was painful but a very wonderful dream.
At least, I get to see him in my dreams. I'm grateful.
Naramdaman ko ang lambot sa likod ko nang marahang inilapag niya ako. He knelt on the side of the bed, ran his fingers on his hair in frustration and watched me whole.
"Why did you leave?" His jaw clenched as he moved closer and lifted my shirt. I winced and pushed his hand away.
"I'm f-fine," I whispered weakly. "Don't worry, I-I'll die,"
I saw how his face changed. He was enraged now, pissed. Humugot siya ng malalim na hininga at may kinuha sa bulsa niya para may tawagan.
"I need doctors, now!" He growled at the phone while I'm moving my body slowly to rest my back on the headboard instead.
Nagsalubong ang kilay niya, tinapon ang phone sa kama at muling humawak sa likod ko at unti-unti akong inalalayan.
"Stop moving, you're bleeding," giit niya na parang galit sa mundo. Hindi ako nakinig. "I said stop moving!"
Nahulog ang ulo ko pasandal sa kama at pinagmasdan siya. He still looked so real, still wearing his clothes from the building but his hair now is disheveled, the strands wild and untamed.
Was he mad even in my fantasy? How about a smile, Zy, hmm? Just one more...
"Did you come to kill me?" Bulong ko.
Hindi siya sumagot. Muli siyang lumapit sa 'kin at hinawakan ang suot kong damit. He lifted it up and cursed under his breath when he saw the bleeding wound.
"Daplis lang," bulong ko. "But if y-you leave me alone here, I will die in blood loss, it's gonna be fine..."
"Shut up," his voice trembled as he stripped his shirt and pressed it on my side.
"You don't have to stain your hands with my blood, hun," I reassured. "Just go and it's gonna be—"
"I said shut the fuck up, Leticia!" He hissed and when our eyes met, even blurry, I saw his bloodshot ones. "Shut up, okay?" Mas nanginig ang boses niya at inabot ang balikat ko.
My head was spinning and I know I'll sleep again and wake up outside this dream and will realize I won't get to see him this close again, get to touch him again it physically ached me. I'm feeling sick to my stomach.
I reached for his cheek, staining his skin with blood. He froze and stared at me, his expression I couldn't comprehend.
He'll finish me off, he promised me that after Twinkle's safe. Now's the right time. I could disappear for real.
His skin was so soft, I could feel the sharp whiskers of growing beard on his jaw.
"Why are you here?" I asked again. Hindi siya sumagot at mas idiniin ang damit sa baywang ko at ibinagsak ang tingin para obserbahan ang balikat ko.
I watched his straightened expression. His eyes are sharp and cold and he stood when he can't stand my stares anymore, walking inside the bathroom.
My eyes stung. He can't even tolerate looking at me.
I scratched my cheek.
Ipinikit ko ang mata at marahas na hinawi ang mga luha ko habang ang isang kamay ay kinakapa ang hita ko para sa kutsilyo at ang likod ng baywang para sa baril.
If I'll be dead, I'd accept it happily if it was from him. I owe him my death, after I almost took Twinkle away from his family. After I renewed the trauma he had from his sisters and the tragedy.
When he got out, I weakly and carefully lay the weapons on the bed for him.
"What's that?" Kumunot ang noo niya at matalim akong tinitigan.
"You can choose which one you like," I whispered. "Here's the knife if you want to torture me first but can I at least have a request? C-can you go with the gun instead, Z-Zy?"
His jaw clenched. Hiyang-hiya akong nagbaba ng tingin.
"P-please?" I asked painfully, almost suffocating with the heaviness I feel. "I can't...I don't like pain anymore. I-I don't like feeling it anymore...can I have a quick death?"
He didn't answer but I could hear his heavy breathing. I can feel his frustrations, his anger, his pain.
I heard his footsteps, I continued.
"Alam kong makapal na ang mukha ko para mag-request pa pero kasi, Z-Zy," mas nanginig ang boses ko at nanlabo ang paningin. "Hun, 'di ko na k-kaya 'Yong sakit...m-masikip d-dito."
Hinampas ko ang dibdib ng paulit-ulit.
"S-sorry, sorry, k-kasalanan ko," I cried loudly, trembling. "Y-you're right, I don't know what l-love is, I'm not c-capable of it..."
Natigil lang ako sa paghampas ng dibdib nang hulihin niya ang kamay ko at hinila paalis sa dibdib.
"Stop," I can hear the edge from his tone as he gripped my wrist tighter.
I let the tears fall and watched how his other hand reached for the knife on the bed. I nodded bitterly, accepting it would hurt.
"But...if you choose the knife then, okay. I-I know I deserved it."
When he didn't move, ako na ang umabot sa kutsilyo bago ginagap ang kamay niya para ipahawak iyon sa kanya. He looks so stunned, confused and lost as I pull his hand gripping the knife and pressed it on my throat.
His eyes burned.
I pressed the sharp end on my skin.
"Here," I breathed. "If you slit me here, I won't die quickly. I'd feel the pain and choke on my blood first. I'd suffer, I'm sure..."
His jaw clenched. His palm trembling against my grip.
Kill me, please. I deserved it. After I betrayed you, get your team killed and endangered your sister's life. I deserved it.
Ipinikit ko ang mata, inaantay ang sunod niyang gagawin. I waited, anticipating pain but then, other than the sharp end on my skin, I felt nothing.
He pulled his hand out and I saw how he threw the knife away on the ground and stood, combing his hair frustratedly, shaking.
Mas nanlabo lang ang paningin ko. Why am I giving him a hard time? Why made him do the work I should've done a lifetime ago?
With his back against me, my eyes locked with the gun I used earlier lying on the bed. I reached for it and shakily placed it on my chin.
If I die, Wyatt couldn't use me against them, anymore. They would be safe. All will be better if I disappeared.
I closed my eyes, unlock the safety off but before I could pull the trigger, tumilapon iyon sa lakas ng hampas sa kamay ko.
"Are you fucking insane?!" His voice roared and when I opened my eyes, he was already crying. "Why would you kill yourself?!"
I gasped softly, "b-bakit mo tinulak? A-akin na...a-akin 'yon..."
I moved my body and try looking for the gun but he pulled me back and held my shoulders.
"Look at me," he called shakily.
"M-my gun..."
"Look at me, Tish! Look at me...come o-on..." he shook my shoulder but my eyes are wild, looking for the gun.
"I-I think it has a bullet left, that's for me—"
"Leticia!" His voice roared and shook me more, "look at me, come on!"
Tears continued streaming down my cheek. I felt so numb. So cold.
I want to disappear...
"Z-Zy," I called and moved away, "my gun, please? J-just one and I'll be gone, I p-promise. You won't see me again, I swear—"
"Bevurleigh Leticia!" He screamed and pushed me back on the headboard.
"Look at me," he whispered, not looking away from my line of sight. "Come on, honey, look at m-me, please?"
Nagsalubong ang tingin naming dalawa at mas nadurog lang ako nang makita ang basa sa kanyang pisngi sa mga luha.
"Z-Zy," I whispered and reached for his cheek, "why are you crying? It's a dream, you shouldn't cry. You should be happy—"
But he was already pulling me closer for a tight embrace I think my bones crushed. He sobbed. My eyes widened.
Was this a dream or...he's really here?
"Why would you do that?!" He asked, his voice trembling while holding me close to his chest, "p-paano kung pumutok 'yon?! P-paano kapag?" His shoulder's shaking. "What the hell, Tish! W-what the hell..."
As when his helpless and vulnerable sobs filled my ear, I ended up crying hard, too while clinging on his body.
How could he still care?
"Why would you do that?" He kept on whispering, desperate. "What if I was too late to p-push it away? What if...a-anong gagawin ko, Tish? A-ano..."
I cried and clawed on his back.
"H-hindi ko alam ang gagawin kung..." he held my back, "h-hindi..."
I could feel my neck drenching with his tears and his embrace, even tight, was my safe place. My eyelids fell until I lost my consciousness.
When I woke up, my head was spinning. Mabilis akong napaupo at pumintig ang ulo sa biglaang ginawa.
My eyes are aching.
I looked around and realized I was in my room in my old house. Sa kamay ko ay may mga nakakabit na dextrose. I glanced down at my body and I'm now wearing a new shirt and shorts. Sinilip ko ang tagiliran ang balikat na may benda na ngayon.
I glanced at the equipments inside and realized who did that.
Jayden.
Where are they now?
Hinanap ko sila ng tingin at hinila paalis ang mga nakakabit sa 'kin para tumayo nang muntik na akong may maapakan sa lapag.
My eyes widened and stiffened upon seeing my husband on the floor, sleeping with only a pillow on his head.
Umawang ang labi ko at lumunok. Memories assaulted my head.
So, it wasn't a dream, then? Everything happened.
The gun...his cries...everything.
What have I done?
Quietly, I went on the floor and lowered my body, not minding the pain all over my body just to see his face. His forehead's still creasing, as if he was frowning even in his sleep.
He looks so exhausted, stressed. It was all because of me.
I wanted so bad to touch him, to reach for him for the last time. Maybe to spoil myself, para pagbigyan ang sarili bago pa man tuluyang 'di makalapit sa kanya.
I lifted my hand and ghostly brushed his hair. He moved a bit, bahagya akong napaatras at inantay ang muling pagkalma ng katawan niya.
For a few minutes, pinagsawa ko ang tingin sa kanyang mukha. Kinakabisado ang bawat hulma, bawat ekspresyon at pag-galaw ng mga labi.
I memorized it all for this was the last time I will have the chance to be this close.
I smiled weakly and brushed my tears off.
"I'm sorry," I mumbled under my breath. "Even if I don't know how to love, the shattered pieces had been yours. Thank you."
One last lingering look and I stepped away from him. I quickly threw my contacts, my eyes irritated again, changed into a shirt, jacket and jeans. Not minding the pain for my shattered heart was more.
It aches. It throbbed. It ate me whole that even the shattered ones, vanished. Leaving me like an empty living shell.
I left a quick note before quietly opening the windows of my room and jumping out of it...and disappeared.
.·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·.
ZION
When I woke up, she was gone.
I stared at the empty bed, looking at nothing but the aftermath of her, leaving.
It was supposed to make me feel satisfied. Should've been a good riddance but why do I feel so empty?
Why do I feel like the organ pumping inside my chest was nothing now but a vessel to keep me alive? That it shattered, too, but instead of leaving it with me, she took it all with her.
And I feel nothing. Empty. Hollow.
Isinandal ko ang ulo sa sofa at ipinikit ang mga mata.
Was she okay? She still need to see a real doctor. Not just that man insisting he knows what to do.
What was the asshole's name? Jayden?
May gusto ba 'yon sa kanya? Hinilot ko ang sentido.
They refused to let the doctors I called to touch her. Her friend, Claudine assured me she'll be alright. Na sila na ang bahala kaya hinayaan ko na but still, I'm worried.
Will she be okay? She lost a lot of blood and even with the blood transfusion, I'm still not satisfied. I was even planning of asking her to go to the hospital today—or rather force her to see a real doctor.
But how could I? When I woke up, reached for her in the bed with my eyes still closed and found an empty one. Her warmth and scent still in there, telling me what I've lost.
I frantically looked all over the house. Baka nasa kusina lang siya, nasa banyo pero nahalughog ko na ang buong bahay at wala siya ro'n.
When I asked the guards, they didn't saw her and that's when it dawned to me, she escaped.
And what, Zion? You were gonna kill her, right? Why won't she escape? It's the wise thing to do if she don't want get killed or live in jail after what she did to your family.
She endangered your sister! Betrayed you and got your team killed and you still love her?
What an idiot.
How could you still love too much? No one takes you seriously.
Not because I joke and turn everything into a lighter mood does not mean I always feel like that. It's too hard, to pretend and show people you are okay and fun when you feel nothing but shit inside.
I felt something on my cheek. I frowned and harshly brushed it away when I saw the piece of paper on my hand.
She left nothing but a letter and now, it's still on my palm, refusing to open it or even take a glance.
I refused to think the moment I let someone in, I was shattered and betrayed. That I kept on loving and giving, baring my soul to her but she only threw it away for her schemes.
Idinamay pa ang pamilya ko, ang kapatid kong pinakaingatan ko buong buhay ko. The worst betrayal and what made it worst was the thought of the woman I loved with all of me, despite her being my enemy did it all.
She used my love against me. Now...how could I even love again? Could I? When I bared it and let her break it?
But I let her break it, because it was hers to begin with. She could do anything and I'd happily accept every broken piece.
The images from last night came rushing back. How she saved me and Twinkle, how she got shot. How she bled. The panic and fear I felt when I saw the bike and drips of blood on the road from her.
How it felt like seeing her almost dying in front of me.
What if I was too late? What if she shot herself before I could push her hand away? What if she died?
Kakayanin ko ba?
Hindi ko...kaya. Hindi. Hindi.
The fear of losing her and I could've done something but didn't haunted me. The sight of the woman I loved losing herself and life in front of me was...it reminded me how I failed saving my sisters.
How a failure I am to protect the people I love.
Tumitig ako sa lukot na papel sa kamay ko at unti-unti iyong binuksan.
Hello, Zy. I'm writing this to let you know there was a traitor around you. Well, aside from me. Someone but I didn't know who. Don't trust anyone.
And if ever, I would like to ask you a favor. Can you tell Twila I put her new toy request in her room? It's inside her cabinet, hidden behind her dresses. I wanted to surprise her last time but seems like I couldn't anymore but I'm sure that would still make her happy. I hope this isn't too much but if you think it was better not to, I'll understand. And can you tell her I'm sorry? Tell her Ate Bullet has to go to work far away, for an agent mission. I'm sure she'd understand.
I'm sorry, for all the troubles I caused. Sorry for everything, for almost breaking your family apart and thank you, honey, for letting me feel what living feels like. What warmth and home felt like. How was it to have a family.
I don't know how to love but I sure do, if I have a heart, It will always be yours. Every broken piece.
Thank you, my Reaper. Thank you for loving me even if I don't deserved it.
My grip on the paper tightened. It crumpled. Napatungo ako at ginulo ang buhok ko, nanginginig na ang palad at basang-basa ang pisngi sa sunod-sunod na luha.
She left and I received a message from my cousin.
From: Chiel-taba
Where are you? Are you okay? Bullet just sent an email regarding the breach of contract. She was asking a copy for the annulment papers.
How could love be this fucked up?
The whole time, I stayed inside her room—for hours I think, lying on her bed with the fading scent of her. Cherishing it, hoping it would stay for long.
I couldn't leave. Couldn't let my family see how vulnerable and pained I was for my wife leaving. I couldn't let them see it hurt. I was supposed to be strong, to take anything lightly. To make jokes and be fun.
Right now, I just couldn't pretend.
I can't face my family, Twinkle. She was the most affected in all this. I received countless calls from Zire's number and I'm sure it was from her.
She cried last night—Mom said—not because of her fear from the kidnappers but from seeing her Ate Bullet getting shot. She said it was a lot of blood and crying, she was crying because her Ate's hurt.
Tumayo ako at naglakad papunta sa banyo para maghilamos at ayusin ang sarili. It was dark, seven in the afternoon. I didn't even notice the hours I'm here. Seems useless to know.
Sa gilid ng banyo ay nakita ko ang duguang damit ng asawa. I tried erasing the sight of her bathing in blood with a gun or knife on her throat.
Her friends, they would take care of her, right?
But she was hard-headed, what if she attempted again and...
No, Zy. She won't. Focus!
I closed my eyes tightly and massaged my temple.
I have to take my personal feelings aside and work. There is a traitor inside.
Kinuha ko ang damit niya para sana iligpit nang may nahulog sa paa ko.
Frowning, I lowered my body and saw something. Iginilid ko ang damit pabalik sa sink bago dumukwang at inabot iyon.
It was a USB.
What's this? Why was it in here? From her pocket?
I heard a knock. Umayos ako ng tayo at ibinulsa ang USB.
"Zion?" Will's voice called, "your family's asking you to go home."
A traitor.
There is someone in my end. I hated Bullet for betraying me but I believe her when she said there was someone else. I have to get to the bottom of this.
Lumabas ako at nasalubong ang tingin niya, "what are you doing here?" I asked.
"I heard Bullet escaped?" aniya, "should we send someone to look for her?"
My throat tightened.
"No, I'll get her myself," sagot ko at namulsa. "Please prepare the team for tomorrow for a briefing."
"About?" He asked.
There was traitor inside.
"You'll know," I answered. "My parents will join."
I went home, almost beating the traffic light and crashing in a pavement. Wala ako sa sarili habang nasa biyahe at kausap ang mga pinsan.
"What do you want me to do?" Chiel asked in the speaker.
"Can you help me check if there are footages where my wife could be?" I asked. "I'll do it myself but I have to go home first."
"Okay, no problem," he answered but I noticed the hesitation on his voice.
"What?" I prompted, "itanong mo na, baka mautot ka pa."
He chuckled, "can I ask for what? I mean, why are you looking for her? Wasn't it better if she left?"
Bakit ko nga ba hinahanap? I actually don't know. I just want to see if she's okay. If she visited a doctor.
Paano kapag naimpeksyon ang sugat niya? Damn it, I should've carried her and took her to the hospital myself last night.
"Nothing, I just have questions about the...incident. Some info we could use against Wyatt—"
"Didn't Wyatt used her against you?" He asked. 'Di ako nakasagot kaagad.
He hummed, "you still care."
I nodded bitterly, "hindi naman basta-bastang nawawala ang pagmamahal, Chiel,"
Now, it was his turn to shut his mouth.
Tumikhim siya, "right...okay, I won't process the annulment for now. Mag-usap kayo ng maayos kapag nagkita kayo ulit, hindi 'yong nagbabantaan kayong magsasaksakan."
I smiled a little, "thanks, man. After this, I'll resume into looking into your girl. We'll find her. I promise."
I parked my car inside the mansion with my eyes on the bike with the same name as me. Zion.
The first man my wife said she loved. Well, aside from that asshole Franklin, the boyfriend.
Ang dami ko namang kaagaw.
I smiled bitterly with the thought I kept on running inside my head to keep everything light. Even in my darkest, I still find things to make fun about.
What a weirdo.
It all runs in Zeijan Sandejas' blood, I guess.
I took it from her garage months ago to fix it myself. Nahirapan akong hanapin ang mga kailangang piyesa kaya hindi ko maibigay. I kept it a secret for a long time, waiting for the right time to surprise my wife with it.
This was supposed to be a gift for her in our coming wedding anniversary. I know it's fake but it was real to me.
I love her, even if she betrayed me. I hated that I did but heart was such a stubborn stupid organ, instead of just pumping blood, it decided to love, too.
I just had to make sure she will see a doctor and then let her go...for the sake of my family. For their safety.
I brushed my hair frustratedly.
Didn't know love was this complicated. It sucks.
Nasa pintuan pa lang ako ng bahay ay dinig na dinig ko na ang ingay. I Wasn't that shock anymore when I got inside and saw who's causing all the chaos inside the room.
"Ayaw! Ayaw! Ayawww!" The little bundle of sunshine was rolling on the carpet, as if she's a human vacuum.
Kapag tayo nito makintab na ulit ang sahig.
"Twila Klein," Mom called gently, "stand up from the floor, darling. You have to eat—"
"No! No! I want Ate Bullet!" She exclaimed, "want! Want!" Sabay gulong niya ulit paikot.
My heart flinched. I hid behind her nannies to watch her rolling on the floor and stomping her feet.
"Twila Klein, I told you..."
"Tawag ka nina Trece, Misis," Dad appeared and held her palm, "go on. Ako na muna rito."
Mom hesitated, her eyes exhausted and pained. May binulong sa kanya ang Dad kaya sa huli ay tumango ang Mom at umakyat sa library.
"Twinkle, ganda kong bunso," Dad's voice immediately lit up. "Bakit ka gumugulong d'yan, baby ko? Madumi na ang princess dress mo."
"Ate Bullet! Gusto! Ko! Ate!" She chanted again, tirelessly.
"What about the lumpia, princess?" Dad asked and sat on the floor where she was, "nagluto si Daddy Pogi ng maraming-marami na lumpia tapos my sweet chili na sauce, gusto mo 'yon, 'di ba?"
Twinkle stopped but the continued rolling with her messy hair, pink princess dress, crown and matching sandals. Seems like they tried playing castle with her and ended up like this.
"Kanina pa 'yan?" I asked her nanny.
"Opo, Sir," aniya. "Nilibang na po na maglaro pero po umiyak, hinahanap ka at si Ma'am Bullet. Kahit po 'yong pusa 'di namin mahanap, nagtatago po ata kung saan kaya mas nagwawala po."
I shut my eyes closed and nodded.
"Have she eaten yet?"
"Kaunti, Sir," aniya. "Hindi nga po ginagalaw ang lumpia na luto kaya nakakapagtaka,"
Tumango ako at ikinalma ang ekspresyon bago ngumiti at lumitaw.
"Saan na ang Twinkle ko?"
She froze and jumped out of the floor upon hearing my voice. She hopped and her bright eyes glinted with the sight of me.
"Pangit!" She exclaimed, "saan Ate Bullet?"
I'm lost for words. I swallowed and before I could think of an excuse, she saw it in my eyes. It broke my heart seeing the light leave her eyes as she fell back sitting on the ground. Biglaan siyang humiga at mabuti na lang ay nando'n si Dad para sagipin ang ulo niya't 'di mauntog sa lapag.
"Twinkle—"
"Ate! I want Ate Bullet ko!" She cried and no matter what we do, she won't stop.
"Ayan na, kakainin na ni Kuya Zy ang lumpia," panakot ni Dad sa kanya na nakahiga at tulala, may tuyong sipon at luha sa mukha. Her tiny arms and feet are spread all over the place.
"Kakainin ko na," I hummed sabay kuha sa plato at sawsaw sa sauce, ngumanga ako at inilapit sa bibig ang lumpia.
She side-eyed me, hope started filling my chest.
Kinagat ko na at ngumuya ng may tunog.
"Hmm, sarap!" I hummed. She won't be able to refuse it, she'll be mad at me for eating her lumpia but then, she looked away and stared back at the ceiling.
My shoulders fell.
This is serious.
Nagkatinginan kami ni Dad na dalawa, his expression mirrored mine. I can feel the frustration in it, the pain, the worry.
Bumaling siya sa mga yaya ni Twinkle, "you can rest, girls. I cooked dinner, kumain muna kayo."
The girls smiled and thanked him before leaving and when we're left there, lumapit siya sa 'kin.
"Where's Bullet?" He whispered, enough for the kid to not hear.
"She left," I answered lowly, "when I woke up, she was gone."
Something appeared on his expression, "well, damn..." he breathed.
I nodded and watched Twinkle, another drop of tear fell from the side of her eye. Napaayos ako ng upo para sana abutin siya nang bigla siyang natulala sa ilalim ng sofa at Maya-maya pa ay gumapang.
Confused, we watched her and then she took something under it. Meow-meow.
The cat purred and Twinkle sniffed.
"Meow-meow," she called and hugged the kitten, "s-sad ako, hanap ko ikaw." She sniffed.
My eyes stung. Napaluhod ako para lapitan siya.
"A-akala ko iwan mo 'ko k-kasi iwan ako ni Ate ko...iwan tayo ni Ate..."
And that's when I couldn't help my tears anymore. I carried while she's hugging the kitten to my lap. She was already crying and didn't refuse my hold. Mahigpit ko siyang niyakap.
"Sshh..."
"P-pangit," she sniffed, "i-iwan na ako ni Ate po kasi kulit ako?"
"Twinkle..."
Her bloodshot amber eyes stared at me, pleading.
"T-tawag mo Ate, s-sabi mo promise po, bait na si Twinkle. 'D-di na 'ko gulong po sa ground! 'Di na ako pilit na uwi kami po kahit maraming bad guys po na hahabol sa amin!"
My eyes widened, "what, princess?"
"S-sabi mo kay Ate po n-na..." her voice trembled. "Good g-girl na ako po, na 'di na kulit...n-na sorry po kasi 'di ako nakasalita po n-no'ng 'yong mga bad guys naghampas po sa ulo ni A-Ate kaya po kuha nila ako..."
I stiffened.
What the fuck?
Nagkatinginan kami ni Dad at dali-dali kong hinaplos ang mukha ng kapatid at tumango-tango, "hmm, okay. Ate Bullet didn't leave because of that. She loves you, princess."
"B-bakit siya po wala?" She cried, "Twinkle and Meow-meow s-sad. Tapos Ate, si Ate may blood na marami kasi n-nag-bang-bang ang bad g-guys..."
"Ate is doing fine, baby," I reassured her gently. "She just had a spy mission, right, Daddy-pogi?"
Dad nodded.
"Yes, I gave her a mission. An agent mission," dad answered, "she'll be fine, she'll be back, right?"
I nodded even if I'm not sure.
"Yeah, she will be a spy in far, far away place for now," my voice almost betrayed me. "Perhaps, she told me before she left for another mission that she had a gift for you."
Nagliwanag ang mukha niya.
"Rweally?!"
I smiled, "yes, princess, really. But before that, unahan muna tayo sa ubos ng lumpia?"
And before I could stand, she was wiggling away from my embrace and racing to the center table to eat her favorite.
It was a toy pink car with an intercom and toy guns on the backseat. Sa passenger seat ay may nakaupong Barbie at halos sumabog ang tainga ko sa lakas ng tili niya.
"OMG! My favoriteee!" She sang loudly and sprinted but came back to carry Meow-meow and her favorite Bunny plush toy with big ears to her new car.
The toy, which looked like an old teddy bear now with one of its ear cut off has been with her since she was a baby.
Pagkalapag ni Dad sa sahig ng sasakyan niya ay tumalon-talon siya, inilapag ang pusa sa loob at itinabi ang bunny sa Barbie bago nagpabuhat kay Dad papasok.
When she got in, she immediately started the toy car and drove around. Sinadya pa niya akong sagasaan ng sasakyan niya kaya nagpanggap akong patay. She was cackling.
Pinanuod namin siya ni Dad na paikot-ikot sa kwarto.
"I'm racer like pangit! Broom!" Sinagasaan naman niya ang doll house niya.
I shook my head. Dad chuckled.
"She's chaotic," he smiled. "I wonder where she got it."
"Sa 'yo," I answered. Mas natawa siya.
"Hmm, probably. Must've got it from her Dad," he hummed and smirked.
When the nanny came back and told us she'll clean my sister up, lumabas kami ni Dad mula sa kwarto at nagpahangin sa terrace.
I decided to ask, to get this off my chest.
"Dad, have you heard what she told us earlier?" I asked. Tumango siya.
"Hmm, your Mom was suspicious even last night when we got home. She asked to double check the CCTVs to see if we could have obtain another copy to see who the blonde lady was."
Natahimik ako, "w-what if it wasn't her?"
Dad was quiet for a moment, "we'll see, 'nak. Your Mom's working on it with your Uncle Hawk and Trece, they're checking if there are any black box in the parked cars. Anything with a different angle to see who that woman was."
What if it wasn't her? If Twinkle's story is right then I...
"Dad, I fucked up," I mumbled and stared at my trembling and wounded hands.
I felt his hand on mine, he gripped my palm and tapped my shoulder, "you know you have me, right? Tell me, Dad will listen."
Nanubig ang mata ko.
I breathed and tried calming my shit down, "I might've pushed her away. I accused her, I-I said words...I..."
Hindi ko matuloy-tuloy ang sasabihin.
"It's okay," he assured, "take your time. I'll listen."
It took me a while before I was able to tell him what happened and what I messed up and I might've not told him everything, but it was as if he knew. And he understood.
We are lucky to have a father like him.
"If it wasn't her and she was hurt," I glanced at him, "Dad, what will I do? I don't know..."
He embraced me and I wasn't even ashamed to cry in front of him. He tapped my back.
"It's alright," he whispered, "cry it out. It's okay."
"Sorry," I closed my eyes, "I k-know I shouldn't cry, I should be strong for the f-family but..."
"Not because we're always happy doesn't mean we can't be sad and vulnerable, too, son," bulong niya at mas humigpit ang yakap sa 'kin. "It's okay to break, we're only human. We are hurting and if you want to cry, I'll join you. L-let's cry together, hmm?"
"I pushed her away," I trembled, "Dad, i-if it wasn't her—"
"Even if it was her, you love her," he said as if he knew where I am coming from. "Even if it was her, you still care."
I didn't need to nod, he already confirmed it.
"Sorry, Dad. I-I know I shouldn't feel this way, she betrayed me—us. Twinkle got kidnapped. I should be entirely mad, I shouldn't care. I shouldn't love like this..."
Lumayo siya sa akin at dahil magkasingtangkad kami ay kitang-kita ko ang mata niya. It was gentle, in pain but understanding.
"Do you really think your Mom and mine's relationship are great from the get go?" He asked, "no, son. Your Mom was like you knew, my enemy and I fell in love. It's wrong, I know but could you really stop love? No, when you love, you do."
I lowered my head, ashamed I'm even confessing this to him when my trust and love for my wife endangered my family.
Kinuha niya ang palad ko at dinala sa dibdib ko, pinaparamdam sa 'kin ang sariling tibok ng puso.
"Follow it," he said. "If you're confused, I know you are, tell us. If there is someone that could understand what you feel, kami 'yon ng mommy mo."
I nodded and lowered my head.
"It wasn't your fault, son. What happened to your sisters, it wasn't your fault." He said, "if there was someone to blame, it was me."
I shook my head harshly, "no, it wasn't."
"I am your father," he whispered, "I should be there to protect my family, my children."
I shook my head again at muli niya lang akong niyakap at naramdaman ko ang pamamasa ng mata ko sa init na hatid ng bisig niya.
No matter how old I am, I'm still my father's little boy.
"She almost killed h-herself," I whispered, "if I was too late, she'll be d-dead. Paano k-kapag nahuli ako? P-paano kapag...?"
His embrace tightened, as if it was reminding him of a lot of things.
"I'm here," he whispered. "We will find the truth about what happened to your sister. We will find your girlfriend, okay? We'll figure everything out. Let me help,"
"I told her she didn't know how to love, I-I broke her heart," I mumbled. "I p-pushed my wife away."
He stiffened.
To my confusion, he then started sobbing. Napaatras tuloy ang luha ko at naguluhan.
"D-dad?" I called and slowly pushed him away and when I met his eyes, I saw tears in it. "Why are you..."
He pushed and glared at me.
"W-what the fuck, Zion Schauffer! You have a wife?" He asked.
Namilog ang mata ko at litong tumango, "y-yeah, Bullet?"
Mas umiyak siya, "kasal na kayo?!" His voice roared and stared at me accusingly.
Fuck. Shit. Of course, he didn't know!
I nodded slowly but he cried more and cursed, "na naman?! Palagi na lang!" He stomped his feet.
It was as if he had some inner dilemma that I scratched my head, confused.
"Grabe ka na, Zion. Gwapo ka pa man din, a-akala ko iba ka sa kapatid mo..." he shook his head disappointedly.
I blinked.
"Why are you crying—"
"Hindi na naman ako invited sa kasal!" He hissed, "palagi na lang, ha! Nakaka-offend na! Punyeta 'di ko naman uubusin ang handa!"
And now, the hell, I didn't know why I laughed so hard I cried again.
"F-fuck, Dad, late ka na nga. Gusto na ng annulment," bulong ko kaya napatulala siya at umiyak na rin kasama ko.
I sniffed and Dad did the same.
"Gago, sinipon ako," he sniffed. "'Nak, papunas nga." Sabay punas niya sa shirt ko.
I cursed so loud that he laughed and to get even, pumunas din ako sa damit niya kaya ako naman ang namura.
We're weirdos that Mom's face crumpled in confusion when he saw the two of us slammed on the floor, crying and laughing.
"Uh...do I even have to know what the hell happened here?" She asked.
Umiling kami Dad.
Dad pulled her down on the ground with us and when she sat in between us, niyakap ko siya at sumubsob sa balikat niya.
"My," I whispered. "H-help me,"
It wasn't my wife. My Mom found out. There was a black box camera from a car in a farther part of the parking that captured some parts of what really happened and the nightmares came true.
I lost her. It was all my fault.
May gusto pa sanang sabihin si Mom pero binulungan siya ni Dad kaya umalis na sila papunta sa kwarto while me? I was walking with my shoulders slacked towards my sister's room.
When I got inside, she was sleeping already. Hugging her favorite toy and Meow-meow on her feet. Sa kanyang tabi ay ang sasakyang regalo ng asawa ko sa kanya.
She looks so exhausted and sad.
I knelt beside her on the bed and brushed her hair, "I'm sorry, princess. I-it was my fault Ate left." I kissed her head. "W-we'll find Ate, okay? I promise you..."
I fixed her comforter and went out, calling Chiel for any updates but still, nothing.
Pagod akong pumasok sa kwarto at naligo, umaasang tatangayin ng tubig ang sakit kahit saglit pero mas lalo lang namanhid sa lahat ng nangyari.
I remembered my words and how I treated her. How she loved me and how I refused to believe it.
Kinuha ko ang t'walya at kinuha ang damit kanina para ilagay sa laundry nang makapa ko ang nasa bulsa.
I took it and remembered the USB. It was on her pocket.
I changed my clothes quickly and took my laptop. I opened the drive and realized it was locked, encrypyted. I needed some decryption to open it.
I thought about asking anyone from my team but what if one of them was the traitor? I wouldn't risk any information to leak.
My Dad or Auntie Trece could help but it's late and I think it'll be better to ask for help from someone outside the circle.
Taking my other phone out, I called my Uncle who's been residing in States now.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Uncle Azul," I greeted. "This is Zion."
"Oh, Zy?" He chuckled, "how are you, son? Wasn't it night there? What got you calling?"
"Sorry to disturb, Uncle, but I wanted to ask for help. If that's okay?"
"No worries, what is it?"
I told him everything and I waited and helped him in my end for the drive had a high level security. I didn't even think the technology here can decrypt it.
"This drive's familiar," aniya. "This was mostly used in high society, possibly royals."
"Royals?" My forehead creased, "as in Queens and Kings?"
"Uh-hmm," he hummed, "I remembered Roux asking about drives like this, too. A year ago. I don't know if he handled one or he successfully opened one."
My chest throbbed, "then, is it possible we could open this, Uncle?"
"Yeah, don't worry. My wife's in tech," nawala saglit ang boses niya at nang bumalik ay nagtanong. "Son, this will take hours. I'll let you know first thing tomorrow, or if you wake up."
I nodded, "sure, thank you so much, Uncle. Say my regards to Auntie."
The whole night, I couldn't sleep. Waiting and asking Chiel for updates while I help him in the sidelines. He fell asleep three in the morning at sa pagod na rin siguro at kakaisip sa asawa ay hinila na ako ng antok.
In my sleep, I dreamt of her again. That woman. Theia Dominguez. She was smiling at me as I reached for her hand under the table.
Namula siya at kinamot ang pisngi niya at pinilit alisin ang palad pero mas humigpit lang ang hawak ko at sumandal na parang walang nangyayari.
Then, in my head, I saw my wife...Tish, walking at me to the altar. She was poker face in her blonde strands and sharp eyes and it shifted. The place changed and her face was replaced with Theia's in a white dress.
In a small chapel with flowers in her hand, smiling.
I woke up with a heavy and hollow feeling, realizing I woke up fucking late.
Napabalikwas ako at Dali-daling nag-ayos bago binalikan ang laptop at nakita ang message ni Uncle kasama ang password ng file. I did as he instructed, my heart beating wildly in my chest, my fingers trembling.
I saw files. A lot of documents and videos.
I clicked the first video and saw a doctor, he was explaining a surgery or something that I got annoyed and exited it, running through a few files and in the fifth one, I clicked on it and stiffened at the picture appearing before the video started.
Mas sumikip ang dibdib ko at kumuyom ang kamay. Naputol ang hawak ko sa higpit ng kuyom ko sa nakita.
It was Theia Dominguez's battered face. It was broken and bruised it was almost unrecognizable and beside it was a bandaged one.
My heart thumped.
"Here is my first subject," the doctor smirked at the camera, "may I present to you, my creation, Theia Dominguez...or should I call her Bullet?"
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