chap 23 - Little Rush
Yoongi slipped the cigarette free of the packet with a sigh as he folded his legs in front of him, trying to get comfortable even though the idea seemed completely impossible to him. The platform underneath him was hard and warm from the sun and they weren't the only ones on it, for many people passed them by to get to the other station platforms, the ones trains actually stopped at. They were hanging around the outside of building that sold the tickets, that had a little café and seats inside for people to enjoy whilst they waited, and everyone that passed them made sure to stare. He didn't have his jacket on because it was too warm but he didn't really care if any strangers saw the welts on his arm. His friends had seen them and accepted his problems, had let him know that they understood and that they were going to help him. They were the only people that he cared about, the rest meant nothing to him. They could stare, even take a photograph if they wanted, and he wouldn't give a shit.
He lit the cigarette and took a quick drag to help it smoulder, exhaling it out of his nose and rolling the stick to the corner of his mouth as he did. He shoved the hostel room lighter back into his jeans along with the packet and squinted through the smoke to look at his inner arm. The welts weren't as angry-looking as they had been because he had left them alone, hadn't prodded at them or added to the collection, but they were still noticeable from a distance. Most of his inner elbow was still pink as a result of them, one or two raw patches that hadn't started scabbing over or swelling into blisters. The oldest one was a scab, ugly and itchy, and he reached over to poke at it. No pain, but the blisters and wounds still stung from shower water or if his jacket sleeve rubbed against them.
"Anything yet?" Seokjin asked suddenly, seated right beside him on the platform. He was leaning back on his wrists so that he could looked at their friends, back to the lines as if they held no interest to him.
"Uh..." Hoseok looked over the top of the wrinkled route map at him before going back to it. He was seated on a bench just a few feet away. "Not yet, give me a few more minutes."
They had gotten off the train at Gongju, doing so only because they had been a little scared that the train would have carried on down south and end up going in the wrong direction; taking them into North Jeolla instead of North Chungcheong. Though the train had traveled at a decent speed it didn't seem to have covered as much ground as they had been hoping and that had meant sleeping just a bare few hours before having to leave to jump another one. Yoongi had tried sleeping in those hours and he had managed at least three that he was aware of, not falling deeply enough to feel rested but rather as if he had taken just a brief nap. But that nap had been better than nothing and he wasn't going to complain seen as Seokjin had decided to not sleep at all and had instead kept an eye on everything. When he had drifted off his friend had been seated against the wall of the carriage, turned so that he could look out of the open doorway and watch everything with a keen interest, eyes scanning not only the scenery but also the signs that were placed here and there. Therefore Seokjin had taken the initiative to ensure that they didn't end up having another 'Gangwon incident' and though it was irritating they just had hold their heads up and deal with it no matter what.
"I'm kinda hungry," Jimin said after a moment of silence, shifting on the bench.
"We're all hungry," Jungkook sighed in agreement.
"Can't afford to buy food in the station café, too expensive," Namjoon said as he sat down in the free space on the bench. "We'll have to wait for later."
"Are we going to eat at all today?" the boy asked.
"We will," Seokjin said reassuringly. "We'll jump off in a city in the evening and get food, rest at a hostel for the night."
"Can we afford that?" Yoongi asked as he slipped his cigarette back between his lips, still staring at the welts on his inner arm.
"If we get lucky and end up in North Chungcheong like I hope, yes."
"I hope we're lucky..." Jimin said under his breath.
There was currently no stains on the dressing on boy's cheek as of yet, but they had only been in place for a few hours. By this evening they would probably be dirty once more, the cotton padding stuck to his skin with dried blood just like it had been last night when Seokjin had tried to remove the dressing to clean them. They looked sore but clean enough, likely taking a few days to start to heal up. They might leave a scar in their wake, they might not; only time would tell. The wound on his neck had been nothing in comparison, a little pucker and nothing more. If it wasn't for the stitches that would have probably healed scar-free, but he had a feeling a faint mark would remain, a pale little slash on his tanned skin that would only be noticeable from close distance.
A battle scar.
Yoongi had found it torturous to watch Seokjin cleaning the cuts last night for it had looked as painful as the bruises that still hadn't faded on Jungkook's ribs. A raw pain that would make even the most toughest person scream in agony, but not Jimin. The boy had just squeezed his eyes shut and held onto his hand tight enough to make his bones almost grind together. He supposed that pain and Jimin were well acquainted, all of his minor accidents and scrapes making him used to it all. Hell, Jimin seemed to deal with physical pain better than anyone he knew, it was emotional pain that the boy seemed to be unable to handle very well. And when it was all over, the new dressing and bandages in place, Seokjin's book defaced and left miles and miles behind on the side of the tracks, Jimin had fallen asleep with very little effort. But Yoongi had struggled to do so, lying on the carriage floor right beside him and staring at his sleeping face for what had felt like an eternity. He had still been struck with the thought that the boy shouldn't have been there after everything that had happened, mind unable to rest.
But mostly it was what Jungkook had said to him last night that he couldn't seem to get off his mind even now. How the boy had made sure to drag Jimin's name into the joke discussion in such a way, a knowing smirk on his face that confused him to restlessness. Why had the boy looked like he knew something that he shouldn't, a dirty little secret that he wanted him to know he knew. Had the boy been messing around with Jimin like always and made him blurt something out? Had the boys been talking about crushes like high school girls and Taehyung had made a joke, just like Jimin had told him the night of the first fight over Hoseok's pills? He had no way of telling and that did more than make him restless, it also irritated him. He once again felt like he was part of a discussion he was unaware of and unable to defend or argue in.
Why hadn't he joked about Jimin? Well, he hadn't joked around with Seokjin either but the boy had went for the other boy like a dog after a bone, and when he had Yoongi had found himself truly speechless for the first time in a long time. No biting retorts or gags to be made, no he had went dumb and made the situation seem even more strange. But why? It was something he couldn't quite figure out yet, and he had seen Jungkook shooting Taehyung a look when he had finally gotten the cigarette he had wanted; that same smugness that made him want to kick him hard on the ass.
"See this here? Right here?" Hoseok lifted the piece of paper up, the wrinkled sheet rustling as he did. The noise was enough to drag him out of his musing and Yoongi turned so that he could look at his friends. "I think I know what route we need to take."
"Oh yeah? Let me see..." Namjoon shifted on the bench that they were both sitting on to have a look at the piece of paper. Hoseok was in the middle of it, the young man to his right and Jimin seated to the left. Jungkook was perched on the metal armrest on the side of the bench and the position didn't look at all comfortable. "Which one, huh? All I can see is about seven hundred little squiggles."
"Look at that little blue one."
"That's a river."
"No it isn't, it's a route for passenger trains. See, there are several stations along the length of it. That means stops for people to get off. It's not a river." Yoongi didn't have a clue what they were talking about and so he just remained seated on the floor in front of the bench, legs cocked up so that he could rest his chin on his knees. Though Namjoon could be right about the river joke it seemed that Hoseok was pretty adamant on it being a train route. The boy had been studying the torn and wrinkled sheet of paper for a few minutes now, turning it this way and that and squinting at it to try and read the faded names of stations. Therefore he was willing to bet that the boy was right, at least to some extent, and that meant trusting him.
"OK, so there's a chance that it's a passenger train route, or maybe a river. That's good, but do any freight trains travel along it?" Seokjin asked, playing the Devil's advocate.
"No, they don't tell the routes for freight trains but if we find the correct line, we can find out if freights use that route, right?" Hoseok had a good point and it sounded like their best option. Yoongi didn't want to jump another train and end up going all the way back to the coast where they had just come from. They needed to push through and break into North Chungcheong today at least, or else this was going to take them forever. They could play a game of blind luck and hope to get the right one, or they could actually use their brains and figure out a better alternative. There might not be a lot of brains going around in their little gang but combined they could work out a plan of some kind, even if it meant working on the one that Hoseok had presented and making it just a little better. "I mean, if people are travelling that way it means there's cities that way. Where else are the freight trains going to go if not to another city?"
"A quarry?" Jungkook suggested. "Somewhere to collect goods from?"
"...Good point."
"I still think Hoseok's got a good idea," Yoongi said as he shifted to point at him. "He's right, trains go where people go, yeah? So we follow 'em too. I think it's the best idea we got right now and I wanna hurry up and be on the move before it gets late."
"I think so too," Jimin said with a nod, trying his hardest to not pick at his bandages and dropping his hand back to his lap to fiddle with a tear in his jeans instead. "We're taking a lot of chances with these trains, so we might as well try and take a chance that makes sense rather than blindly pick one and see where it takes us."
"I believe in blind luck," Taehyung said from position just down the station. He had been silently eyeing a timetable of sorts, a plastic square held onto a post with thick screws, and it was surprisingly graffiti-free. Back in Seoul that would have been defaced and replaced countless times over the years, ridding evidence of bored kids trying to amuse themselves for some quick laughs. "Well, most of the time I do any way."
"How can you believe in blind luck when all we've gotten so far is shit luck, huh?" Yoongi asked as he studied the boy. His friend had his hands shoved into his jeans pockets, denim shirt sleeves rolled up to near his elbows.
"'Cos we're all still breathing right now," Taehyung pointed out, "and I call that pretty fucking lucky, don't you?" He shifted to look back over at them before glancing back at the timetable with a heavy sigh. "Blind luck or not, I'm gonna go with you guys on this one."
"Whatever happened to our Lieutenant?" Hoseok asked with a smirk.
"He grew up," the other boy retorted. His words hanged in the air for a minute, silent save for the sound of people at other station platforms and the hiss and rumble of passenger trains currently present along the lines.
Yoongi twisted to study these, having to lean back on his wrist to be able to look over his shoulder. The models didn't look as modern or cool as the ones back in the capital, a little outdated but working perfectly fine, and they were completely different than the freight carriages. The lead car was bullet shaped and it looked like one long snake; shiny silver with yellow or blue details along the body, neat little windows and single automatic doors placed systematically across the length. Not bulky and dark like the ones they used, carriages linked by way of little platforms and large connecting joints of metal, not corrugated sheets with dust and dirt trapped inside. Wouldn't it be nice to just jump into one of them like normal people and just relax? To not have to think about getting caught sneaking onto carriages illegally, using holdalls and backpacks in lieu of actual cushions? The idea of them doing anything normal was enough to make him snort laughter.
"Fuck it," Taehyung announced, stomping one boot down on the platform, "c'mon, let's find that stupid line and see where that takes us, yeah?"
"I don't know..." Hoseok said as he looked at the route map again. "What if I'm wrong?"
"You're never wrong lover boy, that's me remember?" And the boy jumped down off the platform, shooting a grin back at them as he did, and he hastily crossed over the lines even though he risked getting hit by a train in the process.
"Kookie, don't-" but Seokjin's words fell on deaf ears for Jungkook was off the platform and darting after him before the eldest could even finish. The boy leapt over the first line as if it was nothing more than a few mere inches in width, boots stomping down on the soil as he did, and then he jumped over the next to race after Taehyung who was already halfway across. It was a strange game of hurdles, where the hurdle wasn't high at all but rather low, and falling on it might just risk electrocution. Jimin actually got to his feet and seemed ready to chase after them like always, and so Yoongi grabbed hold of his wrist before he could.
"Nu-uh, you ain't going anywhere," he said as he got to his feet.
Namjoon and Hoseok were already making their way down and off the platform to walk alongside the lines, not darting across them because they were smart unlike the other two. The path that they were going to have to take before jumping a freight train looked similar to the one back in Seoul with some differences; the one that stretched from the dead trainyard. Except this area was packed full of people and moving vehicles and there were no sloping hills on either side or even a bridge to pass under. It was bustling with life and not dead like their trainyard, but even so he much preferred the old one because they got to haunt it like ghosts; got to walk the lines that were no longer live and climb all over the skeletal remains of the old junk trains. Yoongi felt a twinge of nostalgia just thinking about it.
"What?" Jimin asked incredulously, eyebrows raising to graze near his hairline. "You think I'm gonna get hurt, don't you?"
"That's exactly what we think," Seokjin said as he got to his feet and wiped dust off his jeans absentmindedly. He grinned at the boy but Jimin looked rather annoyed by this babying, lips pouted out childishly.
"I'm not gonna."
"C'mon, you've got enough scars from the road." Yoongi pulled on his wrist as he started walking. "Let's not add any more, yeah?" The boy stuck his heels in for a moment before relenting and letting him pull him along the platform in the direction of the tracks. A quick glance to their right showed the two youngest walking in the middle of a pair of lines, on a slight gap of gravelly soil between them. If either of them held their arms out they would risk being struck by a passing train for it was so slight. "Those kids still got death wishes, but you're smart Jimin. You don't need to do dumb shit like that."
"Smart huh? Then why am I failing most of my classes?" Jimin asked, and Yoongi looked back over his shoulder at him.
"Because of those two," Seokjin argued, waving his wrist in their general direction. "You're always messing around and trying to make them laugh, trying to make yourself seem cool but you don't need to. You're cool no matter what, you don't need to constantly do stupid shit to make us think that." The boy studied the back of his head intently whilst he spoke. "That's why you're failing. Not because you're dumb, but because you try too hard on the unimportant things."
"You think I can graduate? Like you two, and Namjoon and Hoseok? Do you really think I can?"
"We know you can buddy," Yoongi replied without missing a beat, "you're gonna graduate and there'll be this big fucking celebration and we'll all get drunk."
"Except Tae."
"...Yes, except Tae," Seokjin agreed before picking up speed to catch up with their other two friends. Now that they were off the platform they were walking on dirt that lined either side of the vast lines, heading right off onto the outskirts that finally lead out of Gongju and to the great beyond.
"It sounds fun," Jimin said after a moment of thought, "like real fun, but I dunno."
"Dunno about what, huh? Talk to me."
"I don't think I can do it," the boy said with a weary sigh as he kicked at a crushed soda bottle. "I think I'm gonna flunk again, get kept back a year and then flunk that too. Then I'm out, just like Tae." He asked him why he was going to flunk and Jimin laughed. "I told you, I'm fucking dumb man. No way I'll graduate."
"Hey," Yoongi said in a serious voice. "Don't say shit like that, alright? Don't tell yourself you can't do shit 'cos then you get to the point where you don't wanna do shit. You talk yourself outta it, yeah? Like Tae did, like Joonie and I did by skipping college. You tell yourself you can't do shit and you won't, you won't ever, but if you say "I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna ace this" and you actually try...you'll find out that you just might."
"You sound like Namjoon right now," the boy said with a grin. "But...I dunno, I wanna tell myself I can do it but I just don't wanna get my hopes up, you know? I don't wanna try and reach something outta my reach."
"Why not? What's stopping you?"
"...Me, I'm stopping me. Park Jimin actually making something of his life, can you imagine that? Would you believe it if someone told you that?" Jimin turned away to look across the station building rather than hold his gaze and he could see that his eyes looked a little misty.
"I would, I would believe it and hey- hey look at me. Look at-" Yoongi reached over to grab his chin, turning his head back so that he could look right at him again. "Ain't nothing in this world that can stop you, that can stop any of us." Jimin's eyes held his for a moment before dropping to his lips and then shifting to look past him. For some reason his one visible cheek seemed to go a little red, almost an embarrassed blush. "Not me, not you, none of us. School can't, college can't, family can't." The boy told him that he made it sound easy. "No, I know that shit ain't easy. But we gotta try, right? Remember that night, the night you had the accident? We all said that we were gonna try."
"I'm trying, but it's hard."
"You're not doing it alone, you've got us."
"I do, I've got you right?" Jimin asked in a soft voice, eyes finally shifting to look back at him. Yoongi realised that he was still holding onto his chin and there was no need to but letting go seemed a little too hard to do at that moment.
"...Yeah," he said with a gentle nod, "you got me."
"Welcome to Cheongwon County..." Yoongi said as he shifted his holdall bag from his hand up onto his shoulder, leaning to the side slightly from the weight of it. "Cheongwon County...that's in North Chungcheong right? In the middle?" He looked over his friends for a moment to see that they were thinking this over, trying to recall the name from memories of elementary school geography and not succeeding very well at all. But he was almost certain that it was for he could recall passing through the city before on a school trip of some kind, though what trip that was exactly was currently unknown to him. Maybe he was mistaking the city name with another place, somewhere similar, but he was sure that he wasn't.
The city outskirts were practically dead at this hour and the rest of it looked to not be that big at all, a rather small place in comparison to where they had been on this journey. That was probably a blessing for it meant less chances of any possible trouble, and it also meant getting through it would be easier than a large metropolis. The tracks that they were on ran a little while longer into a depot of sorts but they had jumped out before it had stopped to make sure that they wouldn't get caught by any workers, and the train they had jumped was disappearing from view with each passing second. The setting sun threw rays across the metal body and made it almost glow, the sky the colour of flames and filled with thick banks of clouds. Taehyung had lifted his wrist and checked the watch to read out the time: 7:15pm. They had been on the train since the early morning hours, Seokjin finally taking the nap that he deserved and the rest of them bored to the point of restlessness just waiting for it to stop so that they could do something: go for a walk that wasn't just doing laps around the 25x15ft carriage interior, finally eat something since they had finished the hospital food last night and they were all starved, not feel the vibrating carriage floor underneath them to the point in which their asses had went numb from the sensation.
"Yeah, I think you're right," Namjoon said after a moment of silence. "Which is a relief. Finally in North Chungcheong after everything. Hell, we just need to head north and we'll be in Gyeonggi tomorrow no sweat if we're lucky. Might take another day but then we're so close to Seoul that it's crazy. Who thought we'd get back, huh?"
"Not me," Hoseok said with a soft laugh, "I thought we were doomed to be stuck in South Chungcheong forever."
"Why does that sound like actual hell?" Jungkook asked as he bent down to secure one of his boots, the laces having come undone at some point. "Minus the little demons and flaming pits, but still hell."
"My kinda hell is being trapped in a room with Tae for longer than five minutes," Yoongi remarked, cracking his friends up.
"Right back at you," Taehyung retorted with his typical boxy grin. "My kinda heaven though...right now it involves food. Lots of it."
"What? No nudity?"
"It involves that too lover boy, but the food's more important." The boy slung his arm around Hoseok's shoulders and he started sauntering down the path that led into the city, more or less pulling him along with him.
Yoongi didn't really want to have to walk a mile or so to find somewhere to get food and rest but he had no choice. The quicker they got it over with the quicker he could rest, but it was easier thinking that then it was getting his stiff legs to work and follow his brain. He felt more tired than hungry right now, a drained sensation that he was hoping would pass soon. So he just dropped his head and studied his own boots as he walked rather than look at the horizon in front of them. The ground changed under him from soil to gravel to solid concrete and tarmac, but he still kept his gaze downwards and ignored his protesting back. He zoned out to the point in which he barely even registered the fact that his friends were talking because he was so into his own thoughts, knowing that it was probably a load of shit anyway so it didn't matter, but after quite some time of mindless wandering he felt something brushing against the back of his hand and when he glanced over he saw that it was another hand; a very familiar hand. Yoongi watched Jimin's fingers fumble over the back of his hand before going to his wrist, almost as if he was thinking about taking hold of it just like he had done yesterday afternoon when they had been walking, and so he turned his hand around to offer him his palm. It took a few seconds but then the boy slipped his fingers between his and actually took hold of his hand.
Yoongi looked up to scan the area in front of them to see that they were still walking with the gang. He had thought that maybe he had been wandering off a little and the boy had grabbed hold of him to steer him back before he drifted down the wrong road and got lost, yet that was not the case. Jimin had simply wanted to hold his hand it would seem. The act itself was not at all unusual and yet it confused Yoongi somewhat because it seemed sudden. Should he ask the boy if he was okay, or was it better to just leave it alone? After everything they had talked about earlier it seemed that maybe the boy did need to talk about something, but about what exactly?
"I can smell something tasty!" Taehyung declared suddenly in a dramatic tone, voice booming off the high rise buildings loud enough to create its own echo. And the boy was right, for just a minute or two more of walking they stumbled onto a rather busy little street that was packed with stalls that sold not only food but also random goods. Banners and paper lanterns hanged from the sides of buildings and made it all look so very colourful and interesting, and quite a lot of people were flitting from stall to stall. Yoongi saw plastic bags, cameras, little books in hands that revealed some tourists in their midst.
"Not market food," Seokjin said, raising his voice to be heard clearly. "Let's find somewhere we can sit down and check prices over more easily."
So they walked down the centre of the packed street and tried their very hardest to ignore the temptation that was the market stall foods, which was considerably hard because the scent of it all cooking clung to the air and the hissing of frying and bubbling stocks was even more attractive. Jungkook spotted a fast food joint nestled on the street corner just a little further up from the stalls and so they hastily made their way over and entered, finding it actually rather empty from once. Yoongi wasn't looking forward to the idea of fried food again, fries and burgers and other greasy foods that would make his stomach feel filled with rocks, but luckily for him the joint sold quite the variety and he ended up buying kimbap instead. That was filling enough on its own, though the kids went straight for the junk food as expected. Why, they were so happy to get food for the first time in hours that they actually behaved and ate it rather than throw most of it over the table at each other.
When the meal was finished, tables left covered in mounds of containers and trays, they all left and headed over across the city to find a hostel of sorts to sleep in. It didn't take long for them to find one, a handful of minutes at most, and by that time the sky had darkened enough to start changing colour, the orange going a bruised purple at the very edges of the horizon. When they reached it he expected Seokjin to go inside the check-in area like always, sometimes with Namjoon in tow so that they could sort the rooms out together, but he didn't.
"Hey, can I talk to you for a second?" his friend asked and Yoongi furrowed his brow at the question, reaching up to pull his cigarette free as he did. Talk to him? About what exactly? Yet the eldest just gestured at him with his hand, asking him to step aside, and so he decided to follow after him and see what was up. His friend went around the side of the building and he walked after him, more curious than ever.
"Yeah?" Yoongi asked as he leaned back against the brick wall, sticking the stick back in his mouth and folding his arms over his chest as he did. "Everything alright?"
"I...well I thought it would be best to ask so...here I am." Ask about what exactly, he thought but didn't ask. Why was the other man acting so shifty all of a sudden? It was enough to make him feel a little on edge too. After a few seconds of silence he quietly asked him what the fuck was going on. "The rooms. I thought I'd ask you about the rooms."
"What? You wanna know if we're getting ripped off or something?" Yoongi breathed a lungful of smoke out and squinted at him through the cloud. "Don't think so, I mean I'd need to know the prices first but-"
"No, no that," Seokjin said as he reached up to fiddle with the back of his tee collar. "I wanted to ask about...Jimin." Jimin...? Was he asking if the boy was stable enough to share rooms with the other boys once more; with Taehyung after what had happened? Was that why he was acting so unusual, or was it something else?
"Jin, I'm gonna need you to stop acting so skittish and tell me what the fuck you're talking about."
"Do you want to share rooms with Jimin?" Seokjin asked so suddenly that it took him a moment to realise that he had spoken. "Alone?"
"Alone? Why would..." Yoongi stopped talking and he noted how his friend looked away from him, glanced across the lot back in the direction of their friends as if embarrassed.
"I mean, I was thinking about the privacy-"
"Privacy for what?"
"For...talking, if that's what you need to do," Seokjin said, scuffing his boot on the concrete. "Or whatever..." Yoongi knew exactly what he was trying to hint at and he felt the most pressing urge to balk at this, to start mumbling shit and steer the conversation away, yet he didn't know why. Was he embarrassed too, was that why he suddenly wanted to not think about such things?
"For talking..." he managed to say after a minute, reaching up to remove his cigarette and dab ash off the end.
"We're nearly back in Seoul," Seokjin said, "and I was thinking that this might be the last night we get to stay in a place like this. We might be back to sleeping in freights again for the next couple of days. The last night spent somewhere clean and comfortable...hot water, a bed-" Yoongi took a sharp inhale, forgetting that the stick was between his lips and he started choking on the smoke. "I'm just saying."
"Shit Jin!" He coughed, reaching up to grab at his throat instinctively because it was burning.
"A single room and a double, it's cheaper than two doubles. We can fit inside no problem, we would save some money on it." His friend reached over to pat him hard on the back several times and he managed to catch his breath and not wheeze. "It's on offer."
"Jin, don't you think that's a bit much?" He asked him what he meant and Yoongi cleared his throat. "A single room, the two of us? The kids-"
"The kids don't mean anything in this situation. I'm just talking about you and Jimin, that's all."
"What you're talking about is not talking!" he retorted with a laugh. "We both know what you're talking about."
"OK, then what am I talking about?" Seokjin leaned back against the wall of the building in imitation of him and he felt himself starting to get trapped.
"We don't need to talk about it-"
"Why not? We've talked about some pretty crazy shit these past few days, this is nothing."
"No, it's not nothing, it's everything."
"So it's important to you then?"
"What's important?" Yoongi asked suddenly, defensively.
"Sex." At this he tried to argue back, to say a single word and yet all he did was open and close his mouth dumbly. "That's why you're embarrassed and you're playing dumb with me right now, but you don't have to. We're adults here Yoongi, we're not kids. You shouldn't be embarrassed to talk to me about things like this and-"
"I'm not embarrassed." Seokjin asked him why he was acting so silly then and he pouted his lower lip out in annoyance.
"Do you love Jimin?"
"I love all you fucking idiots."
"You know what I mean."
"Let's not talk about love, OK? That shit complicated everything." His friend studied his expression for a moment and then he shifted so that he wasn't leaning against the brick wall.
"The offer is there Yoongi, you just need to say yes or no."
"It's..." Yoongi eyed his cigarette to see that it was nothing more than an inch of ash and so he dropped it on the floor and ground it under his heel. "You make shit like that seem so fucking easy, y'know?"
"Hey, I'm not the blunt one here. That's you." Seokjin smiled at him before glancing across the lot again. "Yes or no? A single word, a single syllable. Which one is it?"
When he stepped out of the bathroom, rubbing his damp hair with the lengths of the towel, he saw Jimin was seated cross-legged on the bed with a variety of things spread across the covers. He eyed the roll of bandages that had been cleaned just this morning in the public restroom of the station, Seokjin having doused them in antiseptic just to be certain that they were cleaned thoroughly, a handful of cotton batten pads and the box of dressings, and the bottle of pungent liquid placed at the very end. The boy was looking over these as he no doubt mentally steeled himself for the task of cleaning the horrible slashes on his cheek. Jimin had gotten cleaned up before he had, currently dressed in underwear with his pullover on. The room was neither hot nor cold but his friend had it on anyway and he was playing with the sleeves unconsciously. After a moment he reached up to grab hold of the edge of the dressing and start peeling it free, the tape around the pad making a soft noise as it came off his skin. He pulled on slowly at first but then decided to get it over with and did it as fast as he could. He dropped the used dressing on the covers and then started running his fingers along the bandage on his neck to try and locate the safety pin.
"Need any help?" Yoongi asked and Jimin looked up at him sharply, as if his voice had startled him. His fingers continued fumbling for a moment before he smiled and said that it would be nice, so he tossed the towel back into the bathroom and saw it land on the edge of the bathtub, and then crossed the room to sit down on the bed beside him.
"Does it look any better?" Jimin gestured at his cheek and he studied it for a moment. The wounds were certainly healing up for they weren't bleeding right now. They were still deep and his skin was red around them, but they were healing. In a few days they would probably be closing up and there would be no need to worry about a infection or anything like that.
"A lot better," Yoongi said as he popped the safety pin open and slipped it out of the thick roll of bandage. He fastened it close and placed it down beside the bottle of antiseptic before starting to unroll the material. The stitches looked fine to his eyes, the skin not even pink like it had been last night. "Anything hurting, huh?"
"Not really, only when the cuts are cleaned do they hurt. Mostly they just itch like the stitches." And as he said this he reached up to go to touch the injury on his neck so Yoongi moved his hand away with a soft laugh.
"No touching." He grabbed one of the pads and applied some of the antiseptic to it before hovering his hand above his cheek. "Sorry about this."
"It's...OK," Jimin said with a wince as he dabbed at the slices in his cheek. Yoongi worked quickly as to not cause him too much pain, wiping at the cuts and inspecting the pad to see that it was clean and there was no blood. He really was healing up well. When he went to get a dressing however the boy grabbed his wrist and stopped him. "I have to leave them off for a little while, remember what Seokjin said. I've had them on all day, my skin needs to breathe."
"OK, but you need to cover them before going to sleep," Yoongi explained as he got to his feet, picking up the used pad and dressing up so that he could dump them in the small trash can by the door. Jimin lay down on the bed with a heavy sigh and he looked over his shoulder at him. The boy hadn't said a single thing about the fact they were sharing a room alone but he had seen the other boys reacting at it, ribbing each other and smirking.
"Not sleepy..."
"Oh yeah? You'll be asleep in a few minutes," Yoongi said as he sat back down on the bed, shifting to lie down too, "I know you will."
"I'm not sleeping until you are," Jimin retorted as he rolled his eyes to look at him, mischievous hints of a smile playing at the corner of his lips.
"That's funny, 'cos I'm not sleeping 'til you do," he replied without missing a beat. "Why aren't you sleeping, huh?" He asked and Jimin shifted so that he wasn't lying on his back but rather his side, looking at him as he slipped one arm underneath the pillow to get comfortable. Then the boy asked him why he wasn't sleeping too, clearly deflecting the topic away from himself. "I''m not sleeping 'cos I wanna keep an eye on you of course."
"How come?"
"To make sure that you don't do anything," he paused before finishing, "stupid."
"Like what?" Jimin asked quietly.
"Like going into the bathroom and using that extension cord over there," he said as he gestured across the room with a wave of his wrist, "so that you can drop it in the bathtub with you." The other boy's eyes followed his gesture before settling on his face once more. "Or wrapping a plastic bag around your head 'til you're unconscious and you pass out and drown. Something like that."
"That's all pretty...horrible," Jimin said with a feigned shudder. "Why would you think things like that? I didn't even think things like that."
"'Cos I need to think about these things now. I need to make sure that nothing like that ever crosses your mind even if it's crazy and you wouldn't think it. Just to be sure." Jimin let this statement hang in the air for a moment, the room silent except for the softest sound of voices in the other room through the thin walls. "I don't want you doing anything stupid."
"I won't," the boy said. "I promise I won't, OK?"
"Just 'cos you promise and say "OK"," Yoongi remarked in an impression of him that made him laugh under his breath, "all cutesy like that, doesn't mean that you won't do it."
"You think I'd break a promise?"
"I've broken enough," he said before sighing heavily. "What about you, huh? Why aren't you sleeping?"
"You know," Jimin shifted slightly so that he could press his face against the pillow, so that he was peeking out at him from the pastel yellow material, "so you don't do something stupid too."
"Stupid? When have I been smart?" he retorted as the boy grinned at him. "What, what kinda stupid thing would I do?"
"You'd hurt yourself again." Yoongi held his gaze for a moment before letting his eyes move to look over his shoulder, at the gauzy curtains that were dancing in the breeze from the open partition. "So I need to keep an eye on you too."
"Why did you do that?" Yoongi asked quietly. "Why did you think of doing something like that?"
"I kept fucking up, you know?" Jimin said as he ran his fingers along the bed sheets between them. "And all of this time I thought that I could do something good. I thought I could carry all of that shit and help everyone out, that I wouldn't mess up but of course I did. 'Cos I always mess up. I thought that I could change but I can't, I'm just the same old me that left home a few weeks ago: the screw up, the dumbass, the stupid kid with two left feet. And I thought about how I keep ruining everything and it seemed like a good idea." Jimin shrugged softly and a stray lock of hair fell across his brow so Yoongi reached over to brush it back, feeling that it was nearly dry against his fingertips. "I just wanted to do something right, and I thought that killing myself would be the right thing in the end."
"But you were wrong."
"Hmm," he made a noise in what sounded like agreement. "But even then I fucked up. I got there and I couldn't jump. I froze up and kept thinking, but what if? What if this goes onto my list of fuck ups, what if I'm forever know as "Park Jimin the dumbass that couldn't handle it?" Or what if I fucked up and didn't die? What if I became "Park Jimin the dumbass that couldn't even kill himself"?" The boy took a deep intake of breath and it sounded uneven as he did, quivering as he let it out again in a heavy sigh. "But then you stopped me."
"I did," Yoongi said softly as he carried on brushing his hair back off his brow, fingertips against his skin. "I did something good too. I'm a bad influence, but that's the best thing I've done in my life."
"Even now I think about it and...I just don't really know why I did that, why I ran off and got on that bridge. It was impulsive and stupid, kinda like me, and now I'm lying here thinking...why?" He laughed softly. "I feel like I'm talking about someone else's life and mistakes and not my own. Like it's a movie or a book and not mine, you know?" He nodded and the boy carried on fiddling with the sheets. "I feel so stupid like always."
"You're not stupid, so I don't say shit like that. You're clumsy sometimes, things get broken by accident, but you're not stupid."
"Tell that to my dad."
"I will, I'll tell him that you're a fucking amazing kid and he should be proud of you and stop treating you like shit." He let this hang in the air for a few seconds and then moved his hand away from his hair. "I won't do anything stupid either, alright?"
"Just 'cos you say "alright"," Jimin retorted in imitation of him from earlier, "and act all tough doesn't mean you won't." Yoongi rolled his eyes at this but the impression brought a smile to his face. "Why did you do all of that?"
"What? The...the messing around with the lighter and cigarettes?" The boy nodded and his cheek brushed against the pillow, moving slightly to get more comfortable. "Shit... I don't really know either I mean...I know the reason but I dunno why I gave into it."
"What did it make you feel?"
"Y'know, after a while with lack of sleep, things start to get fucking crazy. Things start to get numb and distant." Yoongi also shifted so that he could reach up and run his fingers along his mouth, wishing for the sensation of a cigarette between his lips again. "I started to not sleep at all, between all of the shifts and the shit I was going through, I started to drift off for periods of time and lose hours. Night and day were the same thing, I didn't notice a change after a while. I was just too numb to everything. But then I started fiddling around with the lighter one night and I felt something...I felt something again."
"The pain."
"The pain made me feel something. The little flame warmed my skin and I didn't feel so numb and cold. The end of the cigarette stick gave me a rush that I couldn't feel anymore." Jimin was studying his face intently and he felt like he should say something else, mumble the rest of it and get it over with. "It was a little hit, a rush, a high. It made me feel alive, y'know? I wasn't numb or cold anymore."
"You felt...dead."
"I did, I felt dead and those few seconds of pain made me feel alive again. It's that little jump you get when something scares you and your heart starts pounding. That's what I felt every time I stubbed a cigarette out on my skin." Yoongi dropped his hand to the bed with a weary sigh and a few seconds later he felt the boy's fingers close to his, almost nudging along the sheets so that he could lightly brush his hand against his. "I knew what I was doing was stupid, that I was hurting myself, but I couldn't stop. 'Cos that little rush kept making me want to do it again and again." His friend's thumb moved onto the back of his hand, on his knuckles.
"We're both stupid, right?"
"I'm sorry."
"What for?"
"For doing shit like that, for making you carry it all 'til you felt the need to explode like that." Jimin just shook his head and told him that he didn't need to apologise at all.
"You're carrying all of my shit too, and mine is a lot heavier than yours."
"I won't do it again, OK? That's a promise, one that I really won't break." Yoongi held his eyes steadily and the boy managed to hold his too for a few seconds before shifting on the bed slightly, burrowing his face against the pillow so that he could almost seem to hide most of it from him. He studied him to a moment and wondered why he would do that exactly. "You OK? Feeling sleepy?"
"Nope, I told you I'm not sleeping yet."
"You look like you're ready to fall asleep," he remarked. Jimin's hair had fallen across his brow messily and so he reached over to brush it back again, revealing one eye peeping out at him from the curve of pillow and the other still hidden. "Y'know you won't win against me, right? I've went three entire days without sleep, you look like you can't even go three more minutes."
"Yoongi..." Jimin said in a quiet voice, words a little muffled from the pillow. He made a noise to let him know he was listening and the boy shifted again. "What I said that day...in the hostel room back in Dangjin...I wasn't lying, you know? About what Tae said." Yoongi didn't move his hand away and instead softly rubbed his thumb against his fingers, feeling the boy's hair between his fingers like silk. "Tae said...well, he didn't say that you had a crush on me but he said that one of us did...or maybe both."
"And what did you say to him?"
"Dunno," Jimin replied, "I can't remember but I remember being confused about it." He asked him what he meant by confused. "Confused that he might be right and you did have a crush, or that maybe I did and I didn't even know if that's even possible."
"Do you?"
"Do you?" The boy reflected the question right back at him and Yoongi sighed heavily.
"I've never had a crush before," he explained, "so I really dunno know either. What's a crush supposed to feel like? Do I have one now, or have I already long passed that stage and I dunno why I'm so confused about it?" Yoongi paused before sorting his words out. "I like you Jimin. I dunno the full extent of that feeling but I know that I like you, I like you a lot, in ways that I don't think I care about other people. I love all of my friends, our friends, and yet you're a little different. We're not best friends but you feel almost closer than that to me somehow. I don't lie awake at night thinking about you, but I do think about you. Often, when I'm awake and when I'm dreaming. Maybe it's 'cos I'm such a fucking pessimist and you're not. You're always so upbeat and smiling and just being around you alleviates some of the badness. You can make my day go from hell to bearable Jimin, honestly, just by telling me it'll all be alright. And..." He stopped himself suddenly because he realised how very ridiculous this all sounded, but Jimin told him to carry on, wanting to hear everything that he had to say. Yet he couldn't seem to think of another word.
Before he could stop himself he leaned forward and kissed the side of the boy's throat. He felt the little puckered patch of skin against his lips and heard Jimin gasping in surprise.
"Why did you...do that?"
"I wanna kiss all of you," Yoongi said, mouth still against his stitches as he spoke the words he had been thinking all along, "not just your cheek or your brow or even your lips. I wanna kiss every little inch, the parts you love and the parts that you hate."
"It's ugly," Jimin said in a quiet voice. "The scar will be ugly and-"
"You're not ugly, there's not one ugly thing about you Jimin." Yoongi shifted to pull his face away from his throat, so that he could look into his eyes. "Inside and out, you're beautiful."
"So are you."
"No, no I'm ugly," he said with an adamant head shake. "I'm a bitter, pessimistic fuck on the inside, a ugly broken shell on the outside. I'm not beautifu-"
But before he could finish this Jimin moved his head forward and he felt his lips colliding against his. The contact made his heart skip in his chest hard, almost enough to hurt. Yoongi didn't really know what to do for he was too surprised to even react, but when he felt the boy's mouth opening and his tongue touching his lower lip he felt the most pressing urge to open his lips too. So he did, and he let the boy slip his tongue inside and explore his mouth, let it brush against his own and make him moan under his breath at the contact.
"Sometimes I really think that...that there's no point in living," Yoongi said breathlessly as he let the boy tug on his tee, pulling it off over his head and messing up his hair. "'Cos I'm so sick and-" another kiss that stole the breath from his lungs and left him gasping for air, "and tired of everything but then I see you and...and suddenly that shit doesn't matter." Jimin's lips trailing down the side of his jaw, his fingers on his skin. "I like being around you 'cos you just make me...happy and I dunno why but it's just you."
"I told Hoseok that...that I think you're cool," Jimin said with a laugh as he shifted on the bed, chest against his and one arm on the mattress to support him. Yoongi felt the pullover rubbing against his skin and he found the friction annoying and wanted to be rid of it. "And that I look up to you, and I do but..."
"But?" he asked as he reached down and grabbed hold of the ends of the pullover, awkwardly pulling it up and off him.
"I didn't really think about the crush thing until he and Tae started joking about it and then, well, then I started thinking that it didn't seem that...bad. Like I didn't find the idea gross or anything like that I found it-" Yoongi ran his hands down his chest and to his stomach and the contact seemed to catch him by surprise for the boy stopped talking for a moment. "I thought about a lot of things but I thought that you wouldn't...I mean, someone like me? Why would you think about someone like me like that, you know? But then you stopped me that night on the bridge. It was you that ran after me and found me, that brought me back to the hostel and made sure that I was OK, and then I started thinking that maybe...maybe you would like me, you know and-"
Yoongi shifted so that he could kiss him again, cutting his words off expertly with his lips. He wanted to hear what the boy had to say but right now he wanted something else instead. Jimin kissed him back, a lot more deeply than the first kiss, and he moved his hands down to his hips to grab hold of the waistband of his underwear. He thought the boy might stop him, might move his hands away because it was all happening very fast, but he didn't and instead let him help him out of them. He had only just gotten them down to his thighs when Jimin roughly pulled them down and awkwardly got out of them, throwing them aside without a care. Then his friend was pulling on his underwear too and Yoongi kissed him just so that he didn't have to watch him do so, a little nervous that he would see him in such an intimate situation. But Jimin had to break the kiss to complete the task of removing them and so he just closed his eyes and moved his head away. A few seconds later he felt the boy shifting again and this time he was on top of him and when he moved to kiss him again he felt his hips grinding against his. The contact was enough to make him feel a little throb in the pit of his stomach and he felt himself starting to harden from his kisses, from the gentle movement of his hips. Yoongi opened his thighs a little and then the boy was reaching down to take him in his hand. He took a sharp intake of breath at the sensation of his fingers wrapping around him and when he lightly tugged Yoongi couldn't help a moan escaping. He felt the most pressing urge to say something to him and yet he thought that it would ruin the moment, would make him stop, so instead he just bit down on his lip to stop any stupid words from escaping. He let the boy pump his wrist a few times and then he grabbed his hand to pull it up to his mouth, opening his lips so that he could slip his index and middle fingers inside. He ran his tongue along his fingers, coating them with saliva, and he heard Jimin gasping from the sudden contact.
Yoongi released his fingers and then he pushed Jimin off him so that he could roll over onto his stomach, lifting his hips off the bed for him. After a moment the boy got back into position and then he felt him slipping his fingers inside him. The saliva wasn't exactly ideal but it was better than nothing and he tried to not clench as he closed his eyes. He had never done anything like this before, neither had Jimin, and he felt a little nervous and stupid. Jimin did this a few times, slipping his fingers in and out of him in an effort to make him open up a little, and then he spat on his fingers again and Yoongi felt him adding another, stretching him as well as he could. He wasn't rushing but he almost wanted him to hurry up and so after a few minutes of this he reached back and felt his fingers against the boy's stomach. Yoongi ran them down to seize hold of his erection, stroking him even as the boy carried on scissoring his fingers. Then the boy was knocking his hand aside and moving his hips forward and he felt him entering him. Yoongi pressed his lips together to mute the noise he made at this.
"Does it hurt?" Jimin asked, voice hitching slightly as he took a few quick breaths.
"No more than...the cigarettes do," Yoongi groaned as he shifted underneath him. Truthfully it did hurt him but he didn't care about that right now, the pain was there and he felt something alright; felt something much stronger than the burning ends of his cigarettes. The boy seemed to think this over and then he rocked his hips forward slightly, still slow and tentative. He felt him slipping in a little deeper and he willed himself to not clench, biting down on his lip and sinking his fingers into the sheets instead.
"If it hurts I'll stop," Jimin said as he was glad the boy could only see the back of his head because he rolled his eyes at this. Talk about ruining a moment. If he could handle the pain of burning himself over and over he could handle this. He wanted to handle this because there would be something better at the end of it then the relief the cigarettes gave him.
"I don't care about the pain," he said as he felt Jimin's fingers on his skin, one hand moving to hold onto his hip. Yoongi closed his eyes and just forced himself to not clench too much, to make it hurt more than it did. He had his weight balanced on his knees and elbows, chin on the pillow, and Jimin's hips rocked into him and he felt himself moving at the end of each one, rocking unconsciously with him.
"You mightn't, but I do..." Jimin muttered breathlessly and for some reason he felt himself smiling at this. He could feel himself getting used to the sensation of the boy entering him because he wasn't going very deep, and after a few minutes he felt something strange against his inner thigh: a wetness. He was pretty certain that it wasn't blood, but whatever it was it certainly helped the boy thrust into him, lubricated him enough so that the friction wasn't as rough. Jimin slipped a little further inside of him and he felt his breath catching in his throat as a result. That had felt rather pleasant, had made a burning sensation start to spread up from the pit of his stomach.
"Ji...Jimin," he moaned as the boy rocked into him. Yoongi could hear the noises coming out of his mouth but he didn't register the fact he was making them. They just seemed to spill out of his lips with every thrust of the boy's hips and he felt Jimin pushing down on him, holding him down against the bed so he could slip inside him fully. He wasn't grabbing at the sheets now, wrinkling handfuls of the material between his fingers as he tried to relax, but rather clawing at them. He felt the boy's hips brushing against his buttocks, his stomach lightly touching his lower back. He was in so deep and yet he wanted him even further if possible and so he opened his thighs wider and practically begged him to thrust deeper. Yoongi's erection rubbed against the sheets with every thrust because he was rocking underneath him, moving his own hips at the end of each little throb that had started in the pit of his stomach. When Jimin entered him there was a burning sensation inside of him, a maddening friction that made him start to feel breathless, made his cock almost ache.
"Jimin go...go faster." Yoongi begged and a moment later the boy shifted to get a better angle. He felt his hands brushing against the backs of his, fingers instinctively entwining and stopping him from destroying the sheets, and then his chin against his shoulder. When Jimin thrust forward he did more than gasp at the sensation, he let out a moan of pleasure. The new position was so much better, he couldn't believe how good that had felt and- Another thrust, and another, the boy picking up speed like he had told him to. Yoongi turned his head and he felt his lips brushing against the side of Jimin's neck, along his stitches, and he couldn't stop himself from kissing him, from nuzzling against him and sucking on his skin.
"Yoongi that feels nice..." the boy moaned and his hips rocked forward a little quicker. The result made Yoongi grunt against his throat and he could feel that throbbing getting stronger now, in his stomach, the base of his cock; his pulse racing too fast.
"Jimin," he said breathlessly as he moved his face away, "hurry up and... and cum. I want you to cum inside of me." Jimin made a series of noises down his ear at this, breath hot against his skin, and then the boy started thrusting deeper, harder than he had done so far. "Oh my...god." Yoongi felt the mattress shifting under him, heard the headboard smacking against the wall, and he briefly wondered if the others could hear this before Jimin went in as deep as he could and he felt himself giving in to the pleasure. It was too intense for him, his heart was pounding and he could feel it in his head too, feel an incoming explosion that he had never felt before. The boy rocked into him so fast and hard that his hips started bouncing off the bed, hands pinned in place by his weight so he couldn't even move. "Jimin...Jimin...Ji-min!" Yoongi cried out his name, wanting to dig his nails into him, bite and scratch and kiss, but he couldn't. He could only twist his head and look at the side of his face, and when Jimin looked back at him, looked down at him because he was on top of him, inside of him, he felt his nerve endings burning.
Yoongi gasped for breath and when his orgasm hit him he felt it escaping once more in a shout of pleasure. He was on fire! He skin was on fire, his blood was nitroglycerin coursing through him and- each rock of Jimin's hips, little cries coming out of his lips as he shuddered in delight and felt his muscles quivering. No it wasn't a fire at all, it was a current of electricity making his thighs loosen and shake uselessly. He ejaculated all over the bed sheets, all over himself because Jimin was still thrusting into him and making him smear it all over his stomach. After a few more quick thrusts and Jimin also orgasmed, pressing his mouth against the hollow between his shoulder and neck so that he moaned against his skin, so he felt the press of his teeth behind his lips. For a few seconds the boy just stayed inside of him but then he pulled out with a grunt and rolled back onto the bed beside him. Yoongi couldn't catch his breath because his body was still thrumming with pleasure and he dropped his face so that he could place it against the pillow, sweat soaking into the material as he did.
The room fell silent save for the sound of their breathing, uneven and quick. He couldn't even hear the traffic through the open window, or voices coming from the other room, because his pulse was racing enough to block out everything else. After a moment he turned his head to look at the boy and Jimin looked back at him with a mischievous expression.
"Can the cigarettes make you feel that?"
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