Chapter 17: Reasons
Summary:
There are no excuses in breaking hearts, only reasons.
You can't break a heart, its always two of them.
Chapter Text
It's the day they're supposed to meet. Seungri holds his cue cards tight, his hair is being done.
He didn't see him coming. It's when he turned around and their gazes met.
Jiyong looks at him. For the first time in four years, his eyes seemed giving up.
And for the first time in four years, Seungri's are full of determination.
***
"Your new album," Seungri starts. He is holding Jiyong's new album, the cover colors gold with splashes of red because that was what Jiyong thought as view of heartbreak. Rich and bleeding. "Can you explain to us about it?"
Seungri holds his gaze upon him, Jiyong wants to break apart.
"FALLEN," Jiyong says but answers are trapped in his throat, escaping his fuzzy brain. "Is all about heartbreaks."
"Interesting," Seungri tells the audience and he smiles. "Who dare to break G-Dragon's heart?"
The girls in front row laugh, Seungri seems to please with himself. That alone gives Jiyong a little pump he thinks he can hold onto until the show is done.
"It's been four years since your last activity as a singer," the disbandment still tastes bitter in his tongue, but Seungri fights. "How does it feel to come back?"
"Nervous," Jiyong shrugs. "Like this is my first time."
"But this isn't. You've had solo activities before."
"Yeah," Jiyong's smile falter but Seungri's gaze has shifted to the square in his hand, finger tracing the cover quietly. "But this one is different."
"Why?"
"It has ten songs and all of them are about heartbreaks."
Seungri hums eventhough Jiyong doesn't answer the question.
***
"Can I ask you something, hyung?" Seungri's voice was soft and there's fear in it that was visible enough for Jiyong to see; to sense.
"Sure," Jiyong put his pen down. Seungri's hair was a bit long and Jiyong thought of what hairstyle would suit his –their –new song he's working on, the one titled Blue. "What is it, maknae?"
Seungri looked hesitant. "When you write down all the sad songs –"
"You don't like it?" Jiyong cut him in because he didn't like it. He didn't like the idea of Seungri not liking his sad songs; Jiyong couldn't take the thought of Seungri not liking him.
"No, it's not it," Seungri was quick to answer, he's in urgent to ask. "I want to ask if that's because you want to forget or because you want toremember...them."
To be honest, Jiyong didn't know why; never thought of why. Jiyong wore his scars the way he wore his tattoos; carved in black bold ink on his skin, hidden beneath his shirt but visible enough if you looked closely. Jiyong loved the rough edges of his broken heart, owned every piece of it proudly.
Jiyong embraced his scattered heart with drinks and cigarettes; there were just never reasons of it.
"Maybe both."
Maybe.
***
"Ten songs," Seungri reads his cue cards. "The first one is Great Wall, can you tell us about it?"
Jiyong thinks of million thoughts trapping him inside the cocoon of Seungri's constant presence that lingers upon his studio, crushing him like damaged ghost looking for things he should be forgotten.
"Heartbreak builds walls around you," he tells him. Seungri waits for his next words, like he used to do whenever Jiyong spoke. "Walls that closing in."
"Closing in?"
"You can't escape."
"Of heartbreak? You're supposed to move on."
Of love, Jiyong can't say. He had let his slipped away.
Seungri, on the other hand, grips hope.
***
"You look...stupid, yes."
Jiyong raised his head from resting against the coffee table. "What?"
"You, oppa, look stupid," Chaerin grimaced.
"Who cares?"
"Me?"
"But not the industry. I make good music when I'm horrible."
And he was beyond terrible.
She entered the booth and adjusted her earphones. "By stupid, I wasn't talking about that dirty teeth of yours. Seungri –"
"I'm older. Sing your lines."
Chaerin shook her head. "It's a sad song. It doesn't suit my voice well."
Jiyong bit his nail. "Remember Goodbye?"
He could be a dick when he wanted to. That's just how Jiyong was and she knew better not to dwell on the sudden emotion swept through her.
"I know parting ways so well," she sighed. "If that's what you meant."
"Sing," Jiyong tapped the music on.
***
Seungri is wearing a suit and Jiyong sinks in his jeans. His skin tingles with doubts because reality is Seungri within reach when in his mind, Seungri is just as far as another galaxy.
If Seungri is a star then he's not falling for Jiyong to wish upon.
He's the one blinking at night, the one will disappear when morning comes as Jiyong wakes up from restless sleep.
"The fifth song, Pardon," Seungri's voice is still the kind of tone Jiyong had the hardest time to figure out where to put at.
"Excuses," Jiyong answers before Seungri asks. "Thousand excuses."
"For what?" the younger man flips the booklet to look for the lyrics. Jiyong watches frown claiming his feature as he reads the words.
"For breaking hearts."
Seungri's mouth parts to say something but sentences die in his chest because Pardon is lines he wrote years ago, one Jiyong said would never be a song, melodies Seungri thought had died along with everything else ever happened between them, unspoken letter he never needed to put title on.
"It's not about excuses," is all he manages to say before their audience begins to murmur in confusion of silence. "It's more like reasons."
"There are no reason to break hearts," Jiyong knows none. "It's only excuses," Jiyong knows lots.
"Does it matter? Either you do it for that person or that you do it for yourself?"
"You can't break a heart," Jiyong's voice waver but it strikes through Seungri. "It's always two of them."
It feels like a promise.
Or long forgotten truth.
***
"Do you like me a little bit more today?"
Jiyong patted his cheeks. "Go home, maknae."
"Do you like me?"
"Yes, yes I do," Jiyong scribbled and scratched another word. Sentences colliding in his brain, alphabets tumbling against each other like wrecked train. "Now go home."
"If you really like me, you'll take me home."
"I'm working, Seungri," he snapped. His pencil flew across the table, the paper went to the bin. "I have deadlines."
"I love you," Seungri didn't flinch. His head rested on the armrest of Jiyong's sofa bed.
"So?"
"So," Seungri yawned. It's been two days since Jiyong laid his body on the bed –or any proper surface that allowed him to rest. "I'll take you home."
Jiyong rolled his eyes.
"Later," Seungri added. "When you're done."
"Just go home."
"Shhh, I'm sleeping."
"Listen to your hyung, will you?"
"I do. You said you like me."
"That was –"
"That was enough."
"I love you," Jiyong whispered when Seungri was already snoring. Nobody heard it but he felt like helium.
Those three words ended up all over the next paper, one he folded into heart shaped origami and tucked in between his credit cards, a week after Seungri's confession.
***
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