Chapter 2: oikawa tooru is (not) a safe space
October 27, 2015
10:38 P.M.
Dadchi added perfectkawa ✌
perfectkawa ✌: hellooooo losers
perfectkawa ✌: did you miss me? ٩(♡ε♡ )۶
ur favorite lolcat: what
ur favorite lolcat: the
ur favorite lolcat: everloving
HOOT HOOT: SHIT
HOOT HOOT: OIKAWA HOW DID U GET IN HERE
Dadchi: I invited him.
ur favorite lolcat: ......
ur favorite lolcat: y
Dadchi: He's also a captain.
Dadchi: Isn't this supposed to be for captains?
ur favorite lolcat: this is supposed to be a safe space
perfectkawa ✌: I AM A SAFE SPACE
perfectkawa ✌: I LOVE SPACE
perfectkawa ✌: THERE ARE ALIENS IN SPACE
HOOT HOOT: REALLY SINCE WHEN
perfectkawa ✌: THEYVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE
perfectkawa ✌: u just have to belieeeeeeve (((o(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)o)))
HOOT HOOT: woah how did u do that
perfectkawa ✌: what?
HOOT HOOT: that cool face thing!!!!
perfectkawa ✌: aliens
perfectkawa ✌: โ๏∀๏ใ
Dadchi: So, this is okay, right?
Dadchi: That I added him.
Dadchi: Sorry I didn't ask first.
perfectkawa ✌: i hope u dont treat refreshing-kun like this daichi
HOOT HOOT: ITS COOL
HOOT HOOT: ive always wanted to talk to u bro!!!
HOOT HOOT: ive heard really cool things about ur setting
perfectkawa ✌: (۶•̀ᴗ•́)۶
perfectkawa ✌: you're bokuto koutarou right?
HOOT HOOT: YEAH THATS ME
HOOT HOOT: THE INCREDIBLE SPIKER
HOOT HOOT: FUKURODANI'S ACE
perfectkawa ✌: iwachan saw one of your matches when he was in tokyo for a family thing once
perfectkawa ✌: he said you werent bad
perfectkawa ✌: v v high praise from iwachan!!!!
HOOT HOOT: iwachan?????
Dadchi: I think that's Iwaizumi Hajime. Seijoh's ace.
HOOT HOOT: OHHHHH
HOOT HOOT: WHAT KIND OF SPIKES DOES HE DO
perfectkawa ✌: he can do a lot of different kinds!!! he's especially good at straights and back attacks though
perfectkawa ✌: he's really strong (╯3╰)
HOOT HOOT: I BET HES NOT STRONGER THAN ME
perfectkawa ✌: i wouldnt be so sure about that
perfectkawa ✌ sent a picture
Dadchi: Wow, that's ...
Dadchi: Very close up.
perfectkawa ✌: u jealous sawamura (ʘ‿ʘ)
ur favorite lolcat: why are you kissing it
perfectkawa ✌: IF YOU WERE NEXT TO IWA-CHAN'S TRICEPS YOU'D BE KISSING THEM TOO
HOOT HOOT: U WANNA GO OIKAWA
HOOT HOOT sent a picture
Dadchi: I feel so bad for Akaashi.
Dadchi: In the background. He looks so tortured.
HOOT HOOT: THATS NOT WHAT UR SUPPOSED TO TAKE AWAY FROM THIS SAWAMURA
Dadchi: Oh. Sorry.
ur favorite lolcat: you made him come into your bathroom to take a bicep selfie?
HOOT HOOT: FOCUS ON THE ACTUAL BICEPS PLZ
perfectkawa ✌: well disregarding that
perfectkawa ✌: what's up with this chat title?
perfectkawa ✌: where is seijoh ((((゜д゜;))))
HOOT HOOT: what even is your mascot
HOOT HOOT: plants?
perfectkawa ✌: me, obviously
perfectkawa ✌: ヽ(๏∀๏ )ﾉ
ur favorite lolcat: oh sorry let me fix that
ur favorite lolcat has renamed this conversation to "cats > birds"
Dadchi: Excuse you.
Dadchi has renamed this conversation to "birds > cats"
perfectkawa ✌ has renamed this conversation to "alien investigation squad "
perfectkawa ✌: much better (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧
ur favorite lolcat has renamed this conversation to "national hot dad alliance"
Dadchi: None of us are fathers, Kuroo.
ur favorite lolcat: maybe not in theory
HOOT HOOT: SPEAK FOR YOURSELF IM GONNA ADOPT HINATA
Dadchi: OVER MY DEAD BODY.
HOOT HOOT: hahaha
HOOT HOOT: not a father my ASS
Dadchi: Okay, NOBODY would let you adopt children.
HOOT HOOT: hey now I'd be a great dad D:
ur favorite lolcat: bro last night you told Sawamura that during the training camp you taught hinata how to pick locks with a credit card so you could get into the kitchens and steal gummy bears
HOOT HOOT: LIKE I SAID
HOOT HOOT: A GREAT DAD
perfectkawa ✌: guys stop spamming (*'д｀*)
perfectkawa ✌: it keeps scrolling me back down to the bottom again
ur favorite lolcat: like you're not a bottom by default anyway
perfectkawa ✌: HEY NOW
perfectkawa ✌: you're right
perfectkawa ✌: BUT STILL, CUT IT OUT
ur favorite lolcat: fine, fine
October 28, 2015
2:04 A.M.
perfectkawa ✌: OK I JUST STAYED UP UNTIL 2AM READING THRU ALL OF THIS BS
perfectkawa ✌: COMPLETELY FORGOT TO DO MY MATH HW
perfectkawa ✌: AND THERE ARE NO MENTIONS OF ME IN THE CHAT
perfectkawa ✌: NOT EVEN ONE
perfectkawa ✌: THERES FOUR HUNDRED MESSAGES OF SAWAMURA TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT A MEME IS BUT NO MENTION OF ME
perfectkawa ✌: THERES A MENTION OF USHIJIMA WAKATOSHI BUT NO MENTION OF ME
perfectkawa ✌: IVE BEEN ROBBED
perfectkawa ✌: ROBBED
perfectkawa ✌: IM SUING ALL OF YOU
Dadchi: Oikawa, go to bed.
perfectkawa ✌: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dadchi: You'll burn yourself out if you don't get enough sleep.
perfectkawa ✌: STRONG WORDS FROM SOMEONE WHO IS ALSO STILL UP
Dadchi: In my case, it's because I was actually doing my math homework.
perfectkawa ✌: OH GOOD
perfectkawa ✌: CAN U HELP ME UNDERSTAND INFINITE SERIES
perfectkawa ✌: BC I DONT
perfectkawa ✌: AND IWACHAN IS EITHER ASLEEP OR IGNORING ME
Dadchi: I don't understand it too well myself, but I can try.
Dadchi: Do you have an example problem?
perfectkawa ✌ sent a picture
perfectkawa ✌: here's one!
[cut for length]
7:56 A.M.
ur favorite lolcat: sawamura daichi how are u literally an angel
Dadchi: What?
Dadchi: Are you confusing me with Suga?
ur favorite lolcat: oikawa tooru, with possibly the worst personality in miyagi prefecture
ur favorite lolcat: and you still helped him out of a lurch
perfectkawa ✌: um wow @ me next time?
ur favorite lolcat: you heard me
perfectkawa ✌: whatever i understand infinite series now
perfectkawa ✌: nothing can upset me
perfectkawa ✌: （￣へ￣）
ur favorite lolcat: star trek sucks
perfectkawa ✌: OKAY WOW
October 31, 2015
5:13 P.M.
perfectkawa ✌: happy halloween guys!
ur favorite lolcat: happy spookening
perfectkawa ✌: im dressing up as an alien
ur favorite lolcat: NICE
perfectkawa ✌: iwa-chan says to tell you guys i've been an alien every year since we were six
ur favorite lolcat: truly shocking
perfectkawa ✌: are you dressing up?
ur favorite lolcat: naw
ur favorite lolcat: dinner and then watching the nightmare before christmas with my setter and my cat
ur favorite lolcat: cat says hi
perfectkawa ✌: tell her i say hi back!
perfectkawa ✌: your setter too
ur favorite lolcat: cat meowed, setter did not react
Dadchi: Happy Halloween!
HOOT HOOT: HI SAWAMURA ARE YOU CELEBRATING WITH KARASUNO RIGHT NOW
HOOT HOOT: ILL TAKE HINATA OUT IF YOU DON'T
Dadchi: Would you stop trying to steal my kids?
Dadchi: And no, I'm not. That's later.
ur favorite lolcat: >Dadchi, 5:21 p.m.
"my kids"
RAISES EYEBROW
Dadchi: I MEANT KOUHAIS AND YOU KNOW IT.
November 7, 2015
6:52 P.M.
ur favorite lolcat: KENMA IS GENTLY PATTING MY ARM
ur favorite lolcat: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
perfectkawa ✌: your setter???
ur favorite lolcat: OH no she's my cat
ur favorite lolcat sent a picture
perfectkawa ✌: aaaaaah
ur favorite lolcat: aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HOOT HOOT: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
perfectkawa ✌: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
ur favorite lolcat: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
ur favorite lolcat sent a picture
HOOT HOOT: aah
perfectkawa ✌: AAH
HOOT HOOT: AHHHHHH!
Dadchi: I come home to this.
ur favorite lolcat sent a picture
ur favorite lolcat: SHE'S SO CUTE
Dadchi: You named your cat Kenma?
HOOT HOOT: HEYHEYHEY
HOOT HOOT: EVERYONE'S ONLINE
ur favorite lolcat: NICE
ur favorite lolcat: ohhhh can we call?
Dadchi: On the phone?
Dadchi: I don't think I want you to have my number.
ur favorite lolcat: lmao too late
ur favorite lolcat: but no a video call
HOOT HOOT: YES
perfectkawa ✌: a chance for you all to see my face~? well, if you insist
Dadchi: What's a video call?
perfectkawa ✌: the best thing that'll happen to you all day, if I'm there~~~
Dadchi: Somehow, I don't believe that many tildes.
Dadchi: >ur favorite lolcat, 7:04 p.m.
"lmao too late"
What exactly do you mean by this?
ur favorite lolcat: do you have a webcam and microphone?
Dadchi: I think so.
Dadchi: Answer my question.
ur favorite lolcat: then just press the video call button
HOOT HOOT: wait, I'll host, I've got wired connection right now
national hot dad alliance is now calling...
perfectkawa ✌: WHAT'S GOING ON I CAN'T HEAR ANY OF YOU
ur favorite lolcat: unfortunately we can still see you
HOOT HOOT: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HOOT HOOT: NICE KILL KUROO
perfectkawa ✌: D: D: D: D:
perfectkawa ✌: wait nvm figured it out
Call ended, duration 0:45.
HOOT HOOT: DAMM;IT
ur favorite lolcat: sawamura what did u do
perfectkawa ✌: sawamuraaaa (ᗒᗩᗕ)՞
7:13 P.M.
ur favorite lolcat: sawamura
HOOT HOOT: SAWAMURA
HOOT HOOT: SAWAMURA
HOOT HOOT: WHERE ARE YOU SAWAMURA
ur favorite lolcat: deny thy father and refuse thy name
perfectkawa ✌: what?
ur favorite lolcat: havent you ever read shakespeare
perfectkawa ✌: no kuroo-chan
perfectkawa ✌: im not a nerd like u ( *д*):･'.::･(ｰｰ; )
ur favorite lolcat: bull Shit
HOOT HOOT: TELL US AGAIN ABOUT THE ALIENS IN OUTER SPACE OIKAWA
perfectkawa ✌: okay i can tell ur making fun of me but aliens are definitely real
perfectkawa ✌: ive seen at least thirty movies on real ufo sightings i know this for a fact
ur favorite lolcat: do go on
Dadchi: Hey everyone.
HOOT HOOT: SAWAMURAAAAA
perfectkawa ✌: ah just in time to hear my wisdom on aliens
Dadchi: Sorry about that group call accidentally ending thing.
Dadchi: My computer started making a weird screeching noise, so I closed it and threw it across the room.
ur favorite lolcat: p sure that was just bokuto
HOOT HOOT: confirmed
ur favorite lolcat: try again?
ur favorite lolcat: oikawa can tell us about the aliens face to face
national hot dad alliance is now calling...
"Sawamura's still - ah, there's the man!" Bokuto's voice was as loud as ever, but luckily for Daichi, it had a volume control now. He ticked his computer's volume down a few notches.
"Hey, guys. Can you see me?"
"Nope. Press the video button."
Daichi frowned, clicking a few things at random.
"No, that's the mute button - press it again - okay, okay, we're good."
"Thank god."
One by one, the black rectangles on Daichi's screen faded into video feeds. Bokuto was perched in a desk chair, and Kuroo was sprawled out on his stomach with his laptop in front of his face, propping his chin up in his hands. In the background, Daichi could see that both of their rooms were both disaster zones - he suddenly felt a little better about the scattered clothes thrown haphazardly around his own. Oikawa's room, on the other hand, was impeccably neat, with organized boxers and drawers, and what might have been an ironing board in one corner. The room also featured a Star Wars wall hanging, an I WANT TO BELIEVE poster, and no fewer than four lava lamps. It was, however, lacking Oikawa.
"Where did Oikawa go?"
"He said he wanted food before he told us about aliens," answered Kuroo. "Hold on tight, I'm moving." Suddenly the screen was shaking as Kuroo picked up his laptop.
"AAAAAAAAA!" Bokuto cried out in mock terror.
"I got you, bro, I got you! Trust me."
"I trust you. You're my rock, bro."
"Where are we going?" asked Daichi warily.
"Just my desk, I was uncomfortable." Kuroo settled into his chair, pulling his legs up into his chest. His taste in pajamas was really awful - he was wearing skin-tight leggings made of skin-colored fabric. Wait, that wasn't fabric.
"... Kuroo, are you wearing pants?"
"Yeah."
"You're lying."
"... Yeah."
"Hey guys!"
"I have never been so glad to hear your voice," Daichi told the recent arrival truthfully.
Teal and white fabric briefly covered his window, and then Oikawa Tooru was dropping down cross-legged into his own chair, a milk bread roll smeared with marmalade in each hand.
"Hey, Oikawa!" Bokuto waved at his camera. Oikawa beamed back.
"You guys wanted to hear about aliens, right?"
"Please, tell us," drawled Kuroo.
If Oikawa heard the sarcasm dripping off his voice, he only smiled wider. "Well! It started with - let me grab you a link - this one painting. The Madonna with Saint Giovannino ."
perfectkawa ✌:
" What is that supposed to look like if not a UFO?"
"It certainly is an object that's unidentified and flying," Bokuto agreed, "but that doesn't mean it's aliens."
Oikawa grinned. "Aha, but what is it if it isn't aliens?"
"Even if it is, Oikawa, I don't think one painting proves existence of aliens," said Daichi.
He scowled. "I'm just giving you context . Anyway, another thing is that archaeologists have found elongated skulls that clearly don't belong to humans or any known human ancestor. Like this one."
perfectkawa ✌:
Bokuto clicked open the link, then gasped. "Whoa. Dude, that's freaky."
" Isn't it? " Oikawa was positively glowing. "And we have no explanation for it! It's clearly not terrestrial life!"
Kuroo, however, squinted at his screen. "Bro, that's from Indiana Jones."
"No, no," interjected Daichi, "it looks like it's in a museum. It must be for real."
"I saw that movie in theaters, it's definitely from Indiana Jones."
Oikawa sniffed. "Well, if it's from Indiana Jones, then call me the newer, better Harrison Ford, because the truth is out there. As for confirmed sightings - okay, give me a moment, I need to get my whiteboard." He hopped up and darted out of the frame.
"He has a whiteboard? " asked Daichi to nobody in particular. Bokuto made an I-don't-know noise.
"Okay!" Oikawa had dragged an easel whiteboard into the view, half of which was covered by a Sharpie map of the world. He picked up a red marker. "So, the countries I'm coloring in right now are ones with more than ten confirmed sightings of UFOs or strange lights in the sky. The ones I'm going to color in blue are the ones with more than fifty."
Bokuto whistled. "Jeez, where do you get this stuff?"
"Mostly online," answered Oikawa, still busily drawing. "The government doesn't want you to know what they know, so you can't talk about it in public. I'll send you one of the best sites."
perfectkawa ✌:
Kuroo clicked the link, and raised a doubtful eyebrow. "Something about that URL doesn't sound too reliable."
"It's published on a web site," Daichi protested. "It has to be reputable."
"And some of the astronauts who went to the moon talked about seeing strange flying spacecraft alongside theirs. Even the former director of NASA said that there were aliens sighted flying next to their ships."
"Maybe there's a reason he's a former director," Kuroo suggested.
Bokuto furrowed his brow, and his eyes scanned back and forth across his screen. "Bro, take a closer look at this - some of it is pretty legit."
"Are you serious."
"He's right," agreed Daichi. "If so many people on the online say so, then I believe it too."
"This is really cool, bro," Bokuto told Oikawa sincerely.
Oikawa returned to his seat with a smile, carefully scooting his desk chair sideways so that the map itself was visible. "I knew you guys would come around!"
Kuroo sighed. "I don't understand."
"Understand what? Oikawa asked. "I can explain it again if you need."
"No, it's not that, it's that ... How are you guys all so smart about volleyball, and yet?" Kuroo leaned back in his chair and tipped his head up, as though to ask the gods for answers.
"I won't take criticism from someone who isn't wearing pants," Oikawa retorted.
"That's a pretty fair point," put in Daichi.
"I also painted a glow-in-the-dark star map on my ceiling with Goldilocks zone planets highlighted in silver," said Oikawa, "but my webcam doesn't pick it up."
Kuroo groaned. "Oh my god, can we talk about something that's not aliens. Like-"
He cut himself off, but not before the other three members of the call started staring at him as though he was one of the alien sightings on Oikawa's websites.
"Like?"
Kuroo squirmed. "I don't know. Volleyball. Boys. Girls. Memes. Why Oikawa has four lava lamps in his room."
"You definitely had something particular in mind," Oikawa said, "and if it's better than aliens, I want to hear about it."
"Literally anything is better than aliens."
Daichi pointed a warning finger at his camera. "Kuroo, aliens definitely exist. You're outvoted on this one."
"Okay, but we can talk about things that normal teenagers talk about. Like, I don't know, romance - you know a lot about romance, don't you, Sawamura?" His attempt to pass off the subject casually was a complete failure.
"You're in a romance?" Bokuto asked.
"No! I would've told you, bro! But - if someone, hypothetically, wanted to be-"
Daichi frowned at him. "Kuroo, what are you getting at? It's weird that you're flustered about something."
"Just hypothetically."
"This is not hypothetical," chirped Oikawa.
"H ypothetically . If I hypothetically - um."
Bokuto squinted at his screen. "Bro, are you blushing? "
"Oh my god," Oikawa crowed with delight, "you're redder than your jersey. If you want Sawamura's advice on a huge gay crush, just spit it out instead of pretending you've got yourself under control."
"ROASTED!" Bokuto hooted with laughter, and Kuroo buried his face in his hands. Daichi, on the other hand, seemed honestly surprised.
"Wait, Kuroo has a crush?"
Bokuto laughed harder. Oikawa groaned. Kuroo made a pitiable noise from behind his hands.
"Bro," Bokuto said, "that took you way too long."
"Well," said Daichi slowly, "I don't really know why you're asking me about that sort of thing ..."
"Sawamura, it's kind of obvious," Oikawa told him.
"Yeah," Bokuto agreed, "you're the only one of us who could answer."
"Alright, I suppose I'll take the compliment. I would say... If you want to attract them, be nicer."
"I am nice," protested Kuroo.
Daichi shook his head. "I mean outwardly nice. Smile sincerely, help your team stay refreshed, and support the younger members. It's okay to be a little mischievous sometimes, but it's very attractive when someone is genuinely caring - why are you guys all looking at me like that?"
"Nothing, nothing," Bokuto hastily reassured him.
"...Okay." Daichi shifted in his chair. "Well, I hope that helped."
Kuroo sighed. "Thanks, Sawamura."
"You're welcome." He paused for a moment before adding, "Oikawa, would you stop eating? I'm getting a lot of static from your end."
"Can't," Oikawa replied through a mouthful of food, "it's my beauty milk bread."
"Beauty?" Kuroo snorted.
Oikawa swallowed, with difficulty. "I mean, I'm definitely the most attractive person here." His self-assured smile had clearly never been told otherwise.
Bokuto grinned into his webcam. "Yeah? Check this out." He hitched up the sleeve of his t-shirt and flexed, allowing the muscles to shift smoothly under his skin. "How do my biceps taste, twig-arms?"
"That's pretty hot, bro."
"Thanks, bro. But don't be gay."
Kuroo's eyes widened. "Me? Gay? You know I'm straight, bro."
"Just making sure, bro. We're all straight here, right?"
"I'm the straightest." Oikawa's face was the picture of innocent honesty. "I've slept with eighteen girls this week, and it's only Mond-"
"You're a damn virgin," Daichi interrupted bluntly. Oikawa gasped as Bokuto and Kuroo roared with laughter.
"I trusted you!"
"Am I wrong?" Oikawa's mouth opened and closed a few times before he closed it with a snap and glared somewhere off-screen. "That's what I thought."
" Savage, Sawamura."
"Now, now, it's all good as long as he's straight. Because we're all straight. And a straight bro can tell a straight bro that his arms look hot." Kuroo smirked. "But my abs are definitely hotter."
"Ohoho? Put your muscle mass where your mouth is."
Kuroo stood up, sending his face out of the frame and his chest into it, then pulled up his shirt.
"NICE." Bokuto whistled, and Kuroo swung his hips from side to side, sliding his hands down over his hipbones.
"Oh my god, cut it out," Daichi groaned. "You're literally the gayest."
"Guilty as charged." Kuroo settled back down into his desk chair. "Your turn, Sawamura."
"Wh-what?"
"Go on, show off your best feature."
"It's obviously the thighs."
"Show us the thighs that make up for Karasuno's shitty receives, Sawamura." Oikawa leaned forward in his chair, grinning a smile full of half-chewed milk bread. A few crumbs fell onto his desk.
Daichi set his jaw and glared at the rectangle on his screen that contained Oikawa. "Not if you say it like that."
"Aw, c'mon, it's only fair." The logic was flawed, but Bokuto's pout was hard to resist, and he relented.
"Ugh, fine. But give me a minute to change, I'm in long pants right now."
"You could strip," offered Kuroo.
"No." Daichi clicked his video and audio feeds off, although he could still hear the conversation.
"How did you make him do that?" Kuroo demanded.
Bokuto's grin was audible in his voice. "I'm cuter than you, bro."
"Lies, I'm adorable."
"Oikawa, who's cuter, me or Kuroo?"
"Obviously I am."
Daichi's video feed flickered back on. "None of you are cute at all."
"Eyyy, Sawamura! Bring it on." Bokuto leaned forward, as if that would help him see any better.
"Okay, okay." He stood up and tilted his camera downwards, then hitched up the legs of his shorts to show his thighs.
Several noises happened at once, all along the lines of wailing. Daichi swiftly tipped his camera back upwards. "Are you guys oka - oh my god."
Kuroo had gotten on his knees in front of his desk and was praying. Bokuto had mock-fainted and was lying half out of the frame. There were tears in Oikawa's eyes.
"So sculpted..." sniffled Bokuto. "I thought Akaashi's were perfect..."
Dadchi's nickname is now Quad God.
Kuroo crossed himself. "So, Sawamura's legs, Oikawa's face, my abs, Bokuto's arms ... Together, we make one full hot person."
"Can you really call it hot when it's got Oikawa's head?" Daichi asked.
"There's not enough in Oikawa's head to change anything significantly anyway."
"I'm still here , you know!"
"Besides, I wouldn't contribute my legs to Frankencaptain. I need them."
"Right, right, how could we forget about Sugawara's claim."
"...What?"
Oikawa rolled his eyes. "Don't pretend, we've all seen how he watches your legs."
"Boyfriend privileges," moaned Bokuto. "Access to Sawamura's thighs every day ."
"I can't even imagine," agreed Kuroo.
"HOLD UP." Daichi held up a hand. " Boyfriend? "
The chat went quiet. Very quiet. Cicadas could be heard in the distance.
Finally, Bokuto ventured, "Isn't Sugawara your boyfriend?"
"No!" Daici's face went very red. Kuroo attempted to pull out his phone to document the transformation, but unfortunately, he wasn't fast enough - the Karasuno captain switched off his video camera before he could line up the shot.
"He definitely seems like your boyfriend," Oikawa said. "I can tell. My gay-dar has a ninety-nine percent success rate."
"Yeah, you guys are, like, basically married," Kuroo added.
Bokuto nodded, even though Daichi couldn't see him. "You were holding hands for the whole training camp."
"We weren't!" Daichi's disembodied voice exclaimed.
"Seemed like you were."
"Nah bro, that was just in the version of the training camp in that one dream you had," Kuroo said.
"Oh. Right." Bokuto pointed double-finger guns at his camera. "You've always got my back, bro."
Kuroo blew a kiss at his screen. "Anything for you, bro."
"Bro."
"Bro..."
7:42 P.M.
HOOT HOOT: FOR THOSE WHO ARENT IN THE CALL
HOOT HOOT: SAWAMURA AND SUGAWARA AREN'T DATING
perfectkawa ✌: bokuto we are literally all here!
HOOT HOOT: I WANTED IT DOCUMENTED
HOOT HOOT: FOR POSTERITY
HOOT HOOT: ALSO: MY ARMS + KUROO'S ABS + SAWAMURA'S LEGS + OIKAWA'S FACE MAKES ONE HOT CAPTAIN
HOOT HOOT: IM DOCUMENTING THIS SO THAT SCIENCE KNOWS WHAT TO DO WHEN GENETIC ENGINEERING EXPANDS TO HUMANS
Quad God: Since when do you know what genetic engineering is?
HOOT HOOT: HEY I GET GOOD GRADES
Daichi fizzled back on screen. His face was still slightly red, but it had shifted from fire hydrant to something more pastel. "Okay, but seriously, can we talk about why all of you thought I was dating Suga?"
"If you aren't, you should be," Oikawa told him. "He looks at you the way I've been trying to catch Iwa-chan looking at me for years."
"He what ?"
"You never noticed?" Kuroo asked. "Man, you're worse than Lev. And Lev has walked into walls multiple times."
Daichi planted his hands on his hips. "I'm observant!"
Oikawa's eyes widened. "You aren't mad , are you, dad? Just disappointed?"
He was thoroughly ignored. "I can tell when Asahi's really nervous, or when Kageyama is off his game, or when Hinata's about to throw up, or -"
"Or when Sugawara's turned on?" Oikawa interrupted.
And Daichi's blush returned in full force.
"Actually, wouldn't it be kind-of hard for you to tell?" Bokuto wondered, all innocence. "Since it usually happens when he's behind you."
Daichi opened his mouth, then closed it a few times. He bore a stunning resemblance to a fish.
"Guys, we should probably stop tormenting him," Kuroo said. "I'm sure he's mad enough about the lack of sugar in his spice already."
For a moment, there was silence.
"I'm leaving," Oikawa announced.
Bokuto lunged for his computer screen. "No, Oikawa, wait -"
Oikawa shut his laptop with a snap .
"Well," Kuroo said.
"Then," Bokuto added.
Daichi linked his hands together and stretched his arms high above his head, letting his back crack. "I should probably go too, guys. I have a paper due tomorrow."
"Really?" Kuroo asked. "Is it on the color of Sugawara Koushi's eyes, and how they change in different lights and to reflect his moods? Oh, wait, no, fuck, don't -"
Daichi shut his laptop.
Bokuto looked at Kuroo.
Kuroo looked at Bokuto.
"It's just you and me, bro," Bokuto said.
Bokuto put his hand over his heart. " Bro. "
"Bro, do you know what my favorite periodic element is?"
"What is it, bro?"
" Bromine."
"Bro, why?"
"Because, bro, you're all mine."
" Bro."
The conversation continued in a similar vein until Bokuto, who had moved to his bed, drifted off to sleep. Kuroo spent twenty minutes taking screenshots of him drooling on his pillow before a text reminded him that he did, in fact, have homework to do.
Call ended, duration 2:08:12.
11:21 P.M.
ur favorite lolcat: tbh im very disappointed that sugawara and sawamura arent dating
ur favorite lolcat: not just bc of him but also bc of me
ur favorite lolcat: now i have no friends to ask for relationship advice
Quad God: Okay, two things.
ur favorite lolcat: oh shit youre awake
Quad God: First: friends?
ur favorite lolcat: im ur friend
Quad God: Are you, now?
ur favorite lolcat: um yes
ur favorite lolcat: what else do you call this
Quad God: Tolerance?
Quad God: And second: is this what you kept dancing around in the call earlier?
ur favorite lolcat: i wasnt DANCING AROUND anything okay
Quad God: Mmhmm.
Quad God: So, yes, then?
ur favorite lolcat: idk dude its just
ur favorite lolcat: setters
ur favorite lolcat: yknow
Quad God: Apparently I do.
11:29 P.M.
ur favorite lolcat: hey sawamura
Quad God: Why are you messaging me outside of the group chat?
ur favorite lolcat: ah
ur favorite lolcat: nvm
Quad God: Wait, no, tell me
Quad God: ...
Quad God: Kuroo.
ur favorite lolcat: lmao if you insist
Quad God: You knew I'd get curious, don't pretend.
ur favorite lolcat: are we friends????
Quad God: I suppose so.
ur favorite lolcat: that doesnt sound very promising
Quad God: You make fun of me a lot.
ur favorite lolcat: thats what friends do!!!
ur favorite lolcat: im helping make u a better person
Quad God: I find that hard to believe.
Quad God: Also, I'm probably the last person you should ever ask for relationship advice.
ur favorite lolcat: im starting to realize that yeah
12:02 A.M.
ur favorite lolcat: we are friends though
ur favorite lolcat: right?
Quad God: We are.
Quad God: Now go to sleep.
November 10, 2015
8:06 P.M.
perfectkawa ✌: so sawamura, hows your not-boyfriend?
Quad God: Oh god. Did you have to bring that up?
Quad God: It's been three whole days and I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.
Quad God: Like.
Quad God: I DIDN'T consider Suga in that way before, at all.
Quad God: But now that I am.
Quad God: ARGH.
Quad God: It's not like I like him like that , you know?
Quad God: At least, I didn't think I did? But I keep noticing how pretty he is.
Quad God: He's pretty, isn't he? It's not just me?
Quad God: He's very pretty.
Quad God: And I feel really weird inside when he laughs.
Quad God: I don't get crushes very frequently, so how would I know what makes it a crush?
Quad God: I've always prioritized my team above romance.
Quad God: My team, and Suga.
Quad God: ...Oh.
Quad God: I'm kind of a mess, aren't I.
HOOT HOOT: LMAO
perfectkawa ✌: well that was the gayest thing i've read all day
ur favorite lolcat: i understand completely
ur favorite lolcat: altho at least im a bit more self-aware than you are
ur favorite lolcat: there's something about setters
perfectkawa ✌: (¬‿¬)
ur favorite lolcat: no not you
perfectkawa ✌: MEAN (╯︵╰,)
ur favorite lolcat: speaking of hot setters though
ur favorite lolcat: bro how's akaashi doing
HOOT HOOT: aw bro it's not like that
HOOT HOOT: I mean hes very hot but its not like that yknow
ur favorite lolcat: he can handle your moods, can't he?
HOOT HOOT: bro so can you
ur favorite lolcat: he does it all the time
ur favorite lolcat: and youre always together
HOOT HOOT: i guess lmao
ur favorite lolcat: :3c
Quad God: Get that paw away from your mouth.
ur favorite lolcat: :3 c
Quad God: -_-
HOOT HOOT: you're making progress sawamura
November 14th, 2015
8:39 P.M.
HOOT HOOT: HEY KUROO
HOOT HOOT: IF ALIENS DONT EXIST THEN EXPLAIN THIS
HOOT HOOT: ur favorite lolcat: oh jesus christ
Quad God: Bokuto, you know I agree with you, but I don't think that's real video footage.
perfectkawa ✌: it's obviously because his mom cam home and made hte spaghetti
perfectkawa ✌: (*▼▽▼*)
ur favorite lolcat: ive made my mistakes
November 17, 2015
7:02 P.M.
HOOT HOOT: KUROO
HOOT HOOT: BRO
HOOT HOOT: BRUH
HOOT HOOT: BROSICLE
HOOT HOOT: BROTATO CHIP
HOOT HOOT: BROHEMIAN RHAPSODY
perfectkawa ✌: bokuto wtf the fuck are u doing
HOOT HOOT: KUROO AND I
HOOT HOOT: WE MADE PLANS FOR A BRO DATE
HOOT HOOT: BC ITS HIS BIRTHDAY AND STUFF
HOOT HOOT: BUT HES NOT ANSWERING THE DOOR
Quad God: Shouldn't you just call him?
HOOT HOOT: I TRIED THAT
HOOT HOOT: MULTIPLE TIMES
HOOT HOOT: I ALSO TRIED FACEBOOK TWITTER SNAPCHAT TUMBLR AND INSTAGRAM
perfectkawa ✌: did u try carrier pigeon
HOOT HOOT: I DID NOT
HOOT HOOT: I MIGHT IF HE CONTINUES NOT ANSWERING
7:06 P.M.
HOOT HOOT: HOW DO U TRY CARRIER PIGEON
7:10 P.M.
HOOT HOOT: KUROO
HOOT HOOT: KUROOOOO
HOOT HOOT: BRO I KNOW UR DOORBELL WORKS COME ON
HOOT HOOT: I CANT BELIEVE THIS
7:14 P.M.
HOOT HOOT: DID U GET ABDUCTED BY ONE OF OIKAWAS ALIENS OR SOMETHING
perfectkawa ✌: ok first of all theyre not my aliens
perfectkawa ✌: they are under the control of various alien leaders
perfectkawa ✌: and second of all he better not get abducted by aliens before i do
HOOT HOOT: WHATEVER
7:17 P.M.
HOOT HOOT: KUUUUUUUUUUROOOOOOOOOOOOOO
HOOT HOOT: IM ALL ALONE OUT HERE AND ITS COLD
HOOT HOOT: ITS COLD KUROO
HOOT HOOT: I CANT BELIEVE U WOULD DO THIS TO ME
HOOT HOOT: I THOUGHT U WERE MY BRO
HOOT HOOT: MY BROIEST OF BROS
HOOT HOOT: MY BRO SUPREME
ur favorite lolcat: chill i was in the shower
HOOT HOOT: IM VERY CHILL ITS 4 DEGREES OUT
HOOT HOOT: IVE BEEN STANDING ON UR DOORSTEP FOR YEARS
ur favorite lolcat: i was only showering for like 45 minutes
Quad God: That's a pretty long shower.
ur favorite lolcat: i got distracted okay?
perfectkawa ✌: sure kuroo
perfectkawa ✌: suuuuuure
Quad God: Aren't cats supposed to be repelled by water?
HOOT HOOT: NO TIME FOR SEMANTICS LET ME IN
ur favorite lolcat: no
ur favorite lolcat: im naked
HOOT HOOT: OK THAT SETTLES IT
HOOT HOOT: WERE WATCHING GUARDIANS OF GA'HOOLE
ur favorite lolcat: but its MY birthday
HOOT HOOT: MEANIES DONT GET TO PICK THE MOVIES
perfectkawa ✌: thats true
perfectkawa ✌: its why i always pick when iwachan and i watch scifi
Quad God: ...
ur favorite lolcat: dude i think u may have something backwards there
8:26 P.M.
ur favorite lolcat: SOMEONE TELL BOKUTO TO GET OFF ME
ur favorite lolcat: HES VERY HEAVY
Quad God: Bokuto, get off.
perfectkawa ✌: ;)
ur favorite lolcat: NO
November 18, 2015
4:12 P.M.
Quad God: Would you guys mind if I added someone else to the chat?
HOOT HOOT: SURE
perfectkawa ✌: who?
Quad God: Um.
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