12
There's a part of Yoongi's closet that is only for his eyes to see.
At first glance, the simple wooden piece of furniture looks as normal as it could be. Even after opening the first door on the right people wouldn't suspect a secret part of it. It looks like the inside of any random closet you might open at someone's house. There's a compartment for his pants - sorted into work, sports and everyday kind of clothes, all of these divided by color. Right above that is a compartment for his T-shirts, also sorted by color, even though that's hardly necessary because the color spectrum ranges from black to gray and lastly to white. In the compartment on the top, where he has to get up on his tiptoes to reach into the last corners, are his hoodies. As scarce in color diversity as his shirts. He keeps his socks, ties, and underwear at the bottom inside of his drawers.
So, the right part of his closet is safe. Opening the left side, people get confronted with numerous dress shirts neatly sorted onto clothing hangers, next to suits, blazers, and jackets he currently doesn't wear. It's as unsuspicious as the right side. But what most overlook is the far left side of his closet. The full-body mirror doesn't seem like a hidden door on the closet so most people would look past it. But it can be opened and once that happens, there are things no one would expect to see judging from the rest of Yoongi's closet.
There's color. There's something daring. Something different. Something no one would Yoongi expect to be capable of owning. The tightest faux leather pants you could imagine, mesh shirts that leave little too nothing to the imagination. Satin dress shirts in all colors, with see-through lace designs revealing the shoulders, the back, parts of the chest, the stomach, the sides - anything. Then there are the accessories. First, there are belts, tons of them. In different colors, different textures, and often more than a simple belt. Sometimes they're thin and delicate, with fake diamonds shining on them. Sometimes they're thick, broad and wrap around Yoongi's middle tightly. Right next to them, Yoongi keeps his different kinds of harnesses.
They're what most people associate with BDSM but Yoongi prefers to wear them as fashion more than during scenes. He likes the way they make him look, likes how every time he puts them over his shirts all the people at Sense would turn around to catch a look of him. And he likes how diverse they are. None looks like the other. And just at the top compartment, Yoongi keeps a black, velvet box. Inside are shining rings, delicate necklaces, tinkling bracelets, and dangling earrings.
All of that is hiding inside of Yoongi's closet and still, still, he stands in front of it right now without knowing what the hell to wear.
It's Friday and Taehyung's words still ring in his head. "Wear the prettiest things you own - even though you might actually look pretty in everything." The thing is that Yoongi doesn't really believe that and now he's faced with this problem. This clothing problem. He wants Taehyung to look at him and think - wow. He wants to take his breath away just because of the way he looks. He wants Taehyung to look at him and be proud, he wants him to think that Yoongi is worthy of being shown off.
But for that, he would have to decide on clothes because he couldn't just show up there naked. Well, he could. Kind of. Maybe - if it's that kind of event. Nudity is allowed in a lot of clubs when there are special events taking place. In Sense, for example, it is mostly prohibited but Yoongi has been to clubs before where seeing naked Subs or Doms - even engaging in sexual acts - hasn't been a rarity.
Showing up naked is a 'no' though. A no-no.
With a groan Yoongi lets himself fall back on his bed. This couldn't be so hard. He normally doesn't take long to choose an outfit for a BDSM club. Even if it's just been Sense before. But he usually decides on his clothes pretty quick. Deep down he knows that there's a different reason for his struggle, something holding him back from working up the courage to just go to the damn club without worrying.
Because that's always the problem with Yoongi.
Worry.
He's always worrying, always second-guessing each and every thing that happens. There's hardly a second of the day where his stomach isn't in knots because of something that doesn't even turn out to be bad in the end. But that's just how he's always been. Anxiety always simmering under his skin, ready to pounce on him at any given second. And that's exactly what is happening right now. He might have already agreed to go with Taehyung and he spent the past week hyping himself up, running through a possible scenario of what might happen after the other but he's still worried.
No matter how much he thought he convinced himself that nothing would happen - in the end, he is here. Here in his bedroom, stuck with choosing an outfit. And he's freaking stuck because there's this worry residing in the pit of his stomach, in the corner of his mind. This worry that something might happen at the club tonight. Something unpleasant. Something that would make him regret agreeing to go with Taehyung there. But that's how it always is. He's worried about something that never comes true. he's worried about things that might happen once in a thousand cases. He worries and in the end, all the stress has been for nothing.
Fetish. Fetish is a club he's never heard of before. It's a club on his side of Seoul. It's a club with people who shouldn't recognize him. To be honest, there only is one person that Yoongi is afraid to run into. But he searched for Fetish on google and it doesn't sound like the type of club that person would frequent. Which obviously calmed his nerves but anxiety is a bitch. And it keeps telling him that there is that teeny tiny chance of running into them.
"But that could randomly happen on the street as well," Yoongi whispers to himself as he gets up from the bed again, gaze set on his opened closet door, "Fuck it."
Without really thinking about it he reaches for the first best things in his closet. The shirt his fingers land on is similar to the one he wore the first time he encountered Taehyung at Sense. It's a dark green, almost appearing black if there is no light around to reflect the greenish color of the shirt. It's hard seeing it at first glance but the top part is made of lace, making it see through.
Yoongi likes the shirt. He's worn it one time before - definitely not more than two times. The satin feels soft on his skin, a little cool as it slides against it. Finding the other pieces suddenly doesn't feel as overwhelming as it did before. It's almost easy deciding on the black skinny jeans with rips all over his thighs, exposing the fishnets Yoongi wears underneath.
Every time he puts on outfits like this he feels like a completely different person than who he usually is. Like this, he isn't the introverted, anxious control freak people often like to see in him. Dressing like this makes him feel confident, it makes him feel desirable, like people would actually waste a second look on him. Like this, he feels like a confident, introverted and attractive person.
He decides on a few dangling earrings, pushing them in even though he hasn't worn some for a whole week and the sting makes him hiss for a second. Sometimes he wishes he could wear them to work as well but that would also mean drawing attention on him. But in the safety that BDSM spaces provide for him Yoongi could forget about things like that. He slides a few rings on his fingers before ruffling his hair.
Would make-up be too much?
Yoongi isn't sure. He has always been interested in make-up, always found it fascinating how different people could look with just a little bit of it on their faces. With just enough to not even make it possible to see that they're wearing it. But society still has a long way to go when it comes to men in make-up, men dressed like Yoongi, men being like Yoongi. And if you're strong enough you can face society already, could defend the eyeshadow on your face, the red color on your lips but Yoongi wouldn't dare to go out like that if he wouldn't head to Sense.
Not even after meeting Jimin. Jimin, who kind of gave him a bit of confidence in that area. The first time meeting him, Yoongi didn't even see it but he knew there was something about the other male that seemed different. That somehow made him appear - prettier. If that's the right way to describe it. It took a few more meeting for Yoongi to realize that it was make-up that has fascinated him so much about Jimin's face.
It was subtle. And at the same time, it wasn't.
But there's always a hint of eyeshadow on him, always the same color of his hair. Blended so perfectly that it left you wondering the first minutes what exactly about his face is it that makes it look even prettier than it naturally is. The tint of his lips also changes from day to day. It's not lipstick - never too noticeable but enough for people to pick up on it. In his defense, his lips seemed to be made for lipstick and it would be a crime not putting it on them.
Yoongi sighs. He's not Jimin though. With careful fingers, he opens the small box of make-up he owns. Additionally to the concealers he sometimes uses to cover the darkness under his eyes or his easily blushing cheeks before a big presentation, it's just a very small range of eyeshadows and one eyeliner. Wearing eyeliner to the club wouldn't be the first time, neither would be wearing eyeshadow but he's still not sure what Taehyung would think of that. In the end, he opts for just taking the eyeliner, rimming his eyes in black before he tries to make his hair look presentable. Just as he's finally satisfied with the end product his doorbell rings.
One deep breath. Everything is going to turn out alright tonight. There won't be anything going wrong. Taehyung is there for him. Taehyung would take him home the second he would want to.
There is nothing to worry about.
-o-
Jimin is usually a very confident person.
In his life, there only have been a few situations where he felt insecure or lost about what he should or shouldn't do. Being confident is what brought him this far. Being confident made him overcome his body issues in high school, it opened him opportunities for his future, it made it possible for him and Taehyung to own the JT gallery. Confidence is a major part of him, of his personality.
Being around people he loved, his friends, family, always made him even more confident. It's as if those people reassured him in everything he did, everything he thought. Confidence has never really been a problem. And still... still he's sitting here with the person he loves with his whole heart and has never felt this insecure in his whole life.
Honestly, the first time he met Namjoon he didn't expect him to be - the way he is. Namjoon seemed very open, very honest, with each and every word that left his mouth he made Jimin fall for him quicker and quicker. It was the way he spoke, the way he connected words and made Jimin feel things with what he said that made everything about him seem so special. And when he agreed on a date it was one of the happiest moments of Jimin's life so far.
But that was the same moment where things seemed to shift between them. The same moment from which on Namjoon would start distancing himself, physically and emotionally. Someone who isn't as perceiving as Jimin might not have noticed what happened but for him it was obvious. Confronting the elder has been the obvious solution to their problem because Jimin wouldn't waste his heart on someone who isn't as invested as himself. But that hasn't been the case. Not at all. And of course, Jimin is happy about that. After all, he really loves Namjoon but sometimes... sometimes being with him makes him feel - dirty.
There's no other way to explain it. Because with the revelation of Namjoon's asexuality Jimin has banned every single dirty thought about the elder from his mind. But sometimes - sometimes he couldn't keep those at bay. And he feels horrible. Knowing that Namjoon isn't interested in anything sexual at all and having promised him that this fact wouldn't be a problem, Jimin feels like he's betraying the other's trust by thinking about him like that. Even if it's unintentional. Same goes with his body's reaction to what they're doing.
It came as a complete surprise when Namjoon kissed him the first time. But to be honest, Jimin has never asked if kisses would be okay or not. He never asked even though he knows he should have. Even more surprising was the fact that Namjoon seemed to enjoy kisses quite a bit and not just innocent kisses. It made Jimin's head spin the first time they made out. Well, kind of made out. More like kissing for hours while slipping a tongue here and there. There was never any touching below the shoulders involved. Sure, Namjoon's hands sometimes rested on his hips but that's all they were doing. Resting. Holding on.
And kissing him is nice. It is even more than nice but Jimin feels like walking on eggshells the most when their lips are attached to each other. Scared of making one wrong move. Scared of making Namjoon uncomfortable. Scared of giving him a reason to doubt Jimin's words. Just scared. Scared and so, so insecure. Jimin never loses his confidence but around Namjoon - it evaporates.
Namjoon's lips on his is not a new feeling. Not at all and Jimin knows exactly how to tilt his head in just the right direction and move his lips just the right way to make the other smile into the kiss. It's easy. But not so much for himself because with every kiss his worries worsen. They've been kissing for quite some time now, laying together on the other's couch. There's barely any space between them. Namjoon's left hand softly gripping Jimin's hipbone while the other cradles his face.
It's amazing. It makes his heart try to beat out of his chest and spreads warmth through his whole body but there's still the ugly monster of worry in the pit of his stomach. Normally, they would have stopped kissing by now - Jimin's lips even feel swollen already - but Namjoon just continues kissing him, tongue slipping past Jimin's lips. And it feels good, so good. That's not the problem. The problem is that it feels almost too good.
Jimin is afraid that he might go too far, that he might do something that would make Namjoon uncomfortable or that he doesn't want. He is afraid that the other might not say something soon enough because he doesn't want to disappoint Jimin. It's hard enjoying their kisses when Jimin couldn't even concentrate on the feeling of them. There's a rational part of his brain telling him that Namjoon would definitely speak up if something would bother him but that doesn't decrease Jimin's fear.
Especially not when he starts feeling hot all over, a tingling sensation in his stomach and he wants to cry. And even though he feels like a pervert getting hard, it's not like he could magically stop himself. The tingling that normally feels good just makes him disgusted with himself.
It's not the first time he's getting hard around Namjoon. The other sleeps over a lot of times and Jimin has also spent a lot of nights in the elder's bed - waking up with a hard-on is something that just happens sometimes. It's something inevitable and Jimin mostly is embarrassed because of those. But getting hard because of Namjoon is different. It's different than just flushing from embarrassment because it's always accompanied by the horrible feeling of disgust lodging itself right in his chest. Jimin just doesn't want Namjoon to think that he wants something from him that Namjoon wouldn't be able to give to him. He doesn't want to give him a reason to worry.
When Namjoon pulls away for a second to catch his breath again Jimin gently pushes against his chest, keeping him from closing the distance between them. He pretends he doesn't see the flash of hurt on the other's face.
"Everything okay?"
How does he explain this in the best way? How does he explain this without hurting Namjoon's feelings? Jimin blushes a bit, avoiding looking at the other's eyes before he starts speaking. "Yeah... just – I uhm, I think I'm getting a little too excited. We can stop here and I'll go and... yeah – take care of this in the bathroom," He says quietly, reaching up to scratch the back of his neck as he waits for the other's reaction with bated breath.
"Oh." Namjoon looks away too and great - now they're both caught in this awkward atmosphere. "You know... If it isn't too troublesome for you we can – like continue to just kiss?"
"What?" Jimin doesn't really understand what the other is getting at. Didn't he understand what he said? He got hard. Because of him. It must be making Namjoon uncomfortable to a certain extent. What is there for Jimin to feel uncomfortable about? Except for the fact that he sexually thought about Namjoon again which leaves him feeling disgusted with himself? But there's no way the elder would know he feels like that without being a mindreader.
"I mean – I don't want to do something but I like kissing you – a lot. And if it's not too uncomfortable to you we can continue," Namjoon explains further and Jimin still doesn't get it. Why isn't he uncomfortable?
"Uncomfortable for me?" Jimin laughs but it sounds a little hysterical, "I don't want to make this uncomfortable for you!"
"How would you do that?" Is he playing dumb? Jimin rakes his fingers through his hair in frustration.
With an awkward chuckle he tries - tries - to explain where he's coming from in an attempt to kind of share what's been eating him alive for quite some while now. "I mean – like, if I get – hard, then it might seem like I expect something more and I – really don't know what I'm saying anymore... It's just that - I don't want you to feel like I would ever demand something from you that you're not comfortable with giving me. And I - I just never know what I can do and what I can't. I don't know when I'm going too far. I really try to not make anything sexual between us but sometimes my body just reacts differently and it makes me feel like a pervert... kind of. I'm afraid you'll take it the wrong way when I get hard around you - especially when we're kissing..."
What he doesn't expect to see after his rambled confession is Namjoon staring at him like he grew a second head. "But that's a normal reaction – it's natural. It happens to me too – even though I have no sexual interest in anybody but these things happen. And it's okay," Namjoon reassures him quietly, "This just shows how right I am about trusting you because you would never do anything that would make me uncomfortable. You shouldn't feel bad about your body's natural reactions. And for your information - so that you can be sure the next times - kissing is a hundred percent okay. I love kissing - even with tongue and if I might not like it or something else, I'll always tell you right away. That's not something you should worry about."
"Okay... I'm glad then," Jimin breathes a sigh of relief. Just those few words from Namjoon have lifted a weight off his shoulder that he hasn't even realized he was carrying around all this time. Still - there's just a teeny tiny part of himself that isn't entirely convinced by what the other said. "But are you sure you are okay with all of this?"
Namjoon just chuckles but the sound drifts off into something that sounds a bit more sad than amused. Jimin watches with growing confusion as his smile dims until the corners of his mouth point downwards. "Of course, I am..."
"Then what is it?"
"Huh?"
Jimin reaches out to take his hand, stroking his thumb over the back of it. "Why do you look so down suddenly?"
"Ah, I can never hide anything from you, right?"Namjoon laughs or tries to laugh. It still sounds sad and there seem to be tears glistening in his eyes.
"Would you want to?" Jimin continues to push.
"No... not really." It's quiet between them for a little time. Seconds tick by in which Jimin just patiently waits for Namjoon to gather his thoughts because that's what he needs sometimes. The elder might be pretty smart and amazing in the way he expresses things but sometimes his head can be a bit overwhelming and it gets hard for him to articulate even the easiest thing.
So, he waits until Namjoon sighs, bites his lip and finally locks eyes with him again. "I just – I do this thing... uhm, where I let my insecurities get to me even though you don't seem like you would get tired of me anytime soon. It's not the thing you're afraid of - it's not something you have done that makes me think that way. It's just the way my brain has always worked. Because I know what you told me and I believe you. I know that you won't just leave me like that."
"That's because I won't," Jimin hurries to say.
His heart hurts watching the pained expression flash over Namjoon's face as he squeezes his hand. "But how can you know that? How can you say you won't wake up one day and think that you can't lead a relationship without intimacy?"
So, this is what it's all about. Jimin shakes his head before he maneuvers both of them in a sitting position. Namjoon sniffles a bit when Jimin pulls him into his side. The awkward atmosphere around them has been replaced by something heavier now. Something that neither of them should take lightly and Jimin regrets not opening up this conversation sooner in their relationship just because he's been scared to say something wrong. If he hadn't been scared in the beginning neither of them would have suffered like this all this time.
"Namjoon," Jimin begins, voice dropping a tone, "Didn't we have this talk already?"
The other nods reluctantly, still avoiding eye contact with him. "But that doesn't mean my doubts just vanished like that," He whines slightly and it should be cute. It is cute but Jimin couldn't appreciate it due to the seriousness of their current conversation.
"I don't expect them to but I expect you to trust my words and my feelings for you."
Namjoon doesn't react to his words. Not audibly at least. He winces, dropping his head to stare at their intertwined hands. Jimin sighs. In the end, it's just as Taehyung always preaches. Communication is key. Trust and honesty are the key elements to any relationship and communication is what keeps everything together.
It's the thing Taehyung has always valued in any kind of relationship - be it friendship, romantic relationship or a BDSM type. And Jimin has always believed him, really but he has never thought that Taehyung's advice was this - this important and helpful. Because really? Really? Jimin would have never thought that with the way Namjoon acted after the day he came out to him that he is actually as insecure in this relationship as Jimin is.
And he would have never guessed that Namjoon actually believes that it's intimacy that is lacking in their relationship. That would be the last thing Jimin would say that's missing. Communication? Yes. That should have been a bigger part of them from the start but that's what they're catching up on right now but intimacy? Jimin doesn't understand it at all.
"Intimacy?" He asks, disbelief obvious in his voice. "I don't think that's missing in our relationship."
Namjoon pulls his hands away, curling in on himself and a little away from Jimin. The slight sting it leaves in his chest makes Jimin bite his lips to stay quiet. "How can you say that when we don't have sex?" The elder exclaims quietly.
"Because intimacy doesn't equal sex."
"Well, you're pretty alone with your opinion on that," Namjoon snorts and crosses his arms in front of his chest. Now he's just looking for a fight, a challenging expression in his eyes as he faces Jimin. But he would not give in. Jimin wouldn't get loud, wouldn't argue with the intent of picking up this fight. He understands Namjoon, understands that he's obviously irritated by this topic - probably heard things like that before but Jimin can prove him wrong.
"I don't think I am," He says calmly and reaches out to squeeze the other's thigh shortly, "I just think that most people don't really bother to really understand the word 'intimacy' and what it really can be."
And again, Namjoon doesn't look like he's going to answer him. The silence stretches for what feels like a century and Jimin watches with a pained heart how the first tear rolls down Namjoon's cheek. Watches as the elder angrily wipes it away, refusing to return Jimin's gaze.
"There are all sorts of intimacy in this world," Jimin says and leans against the back of the couch. Even though Namjoon seems to be set on ignoring his attempt at catching his eyes, Jimin doesn't stop looking directly at him. "There is, of course, sexual intimacy but intimacy is a broad spectrum of different things. There's romantic intimacy, platonic intimacy, friendly intimacy, family intimacy – there's a lot. And we've been doing intimate things all this time... We're holding hands, we're kissing, we're cuddling, we sleep together, we have late night talks together – you know all about the most embarrassing moments of my life. We go on dates, I listen to you talk for hours about books I'll never read and never understand but I love hearing you talk about them so I listen. On the other hand, you watch this stupid TV show with the annoying main character just because I like it."
At that Namjoon glances up at him, the corners of his mouth barely lifting into the worlds smallest smile. Another tear rolls down his cheek.
"Intimacy isn't just sex," Jimin continues, "Intimacy is all those things I said, even more, and most of all, intimacy is respecting each other's boundaries, interests and communicating with each other well. It is all about how much you love the person. There is no definition of intimacy being limited to just sex. Sex is not an essential part of a relationship nor is it the only form of intimacy for couples."
Namjoon finally reaches out again to take his hands. "I love you," He whispers, "So much."
Ah. There it is. The warm feeling spreading through his chest and Jimin couldn't help but lean forward to press a kiss against Namjoon's lips. "Please tell me every time you think like that again. I won't ever get tired of reminding you of the fact that I love you and that you're enough. You are." Jimin smiles, squeezing Namjoon's hands once. "I don't need to leave the paths leading through your forest to see that you are an amazing, unique and beautiful person – that you are more than enough for me."
And that's when the dam completely breaks. It's awfully similar to the day Namjoon came out to him, confessed his biggest fear of getting serious in a relationship. His sobs are loud as he leans forward to let his head fall against Jimin's shoulder, hands going around his middle to hold him tight. "Yoongi told you about that, right?" He gets out between his cries and Jimin couldn't help but let his own eyes get watery.
He remembers the day Yoongi talked to him about Namjoon and his biggest insecurity. Remembers how Yoongi talked about his best friend, how his eyes sparkled, how earnestly he begged Jimin to love him to the extent that he was able to, how he wished for him to be the one that would finally make Namjoon happy in a relationship. And then there was the story about the forest.
Jimin would have never taken Namjoon to be the type to get high. But in retrospect, no one would think Jimin would be the type to be able to drink everybody else under the table without feeling more than tipsy. Jimin would have loved to hear Namjoon tell him this story but he knows that this would never happen. Embarrassment swirling inside of the elder every single time Yoongi would mention that night. At least that's what Yoongi told him.
It should have been obvious. Jimin knows how good Namjoon is with words, how good he is able to express himself most of the times. But his ability to get embarrassed because of his cheesy words is also another very endearing trait of him.
Jimin chuckles lightly as he looks deep into Namjoon's glistening eyes. "Yeah, would have never guessed you were the type to get high."
"I experimented in university – don't we all?"
"Kind of," He laughs, letting a few tears of his own escape his eyes as he reaches up to wipe Namjoon's cheeks, "I love you too. So much."
And Namjoon just kisses him again.
-o-
Yoongi's nerves act up once again when Taehyung stops the car on the other side of the street, across from the club. The bright lights from the entrance are hard to miss and Yoongi's eyes trail over the letters spelling out the name. Fetish.
The club is way more obvious located than Sense. Just because of the big entrance and bright lights accompanied by two buff security men it draws more attention to it. No - demands more attention. It's not the kind of club Yoongi would go to alone. He prefers the almost hidden entrance of Sense, not drawing a lot of attention to the club and the people entering it. But this right here is completely different from what Yoongi has ever seen.
"Still green?"
Yoongi turns away from the window to look at Taehyung who is gazing at him with a calm expression. It's not too late. He could still easily back out of the whole thing. But Yoongi is done with running away, he is done with avoiding certain parts of the city out of fear - just because there might be a very small possibility that he would run into the last person he would want to see on this planet. Yoongi is done with being afraid right now.
"Still green, Sir," he repeats and his lips curl into a smile just as Taehyung's form this adorable box shape.
"Remember that you can use your safeword without being worried and in any given situation," Taehyung says as he reaches for something in the back of the car. His body comes closer to Yoongi's and their arms brush. He could smell the cologne Taehyung always wears, the scent invading all of his senses and calming him down. It's always fascinating how easily Taehyung could make him start to drop into subspace even when he's not even trying to do it.
Just his familiar scent makes Yoongi feel safe enough to start and give in to the fuzzy feeling in his head. He's leaning his head against the back of his seat, eyes following Taehyung's movement as he lets himself start to drift off. And Taehyung notices his state the second he turns back around to look at him.
"Here," He whispers. When Yoongi looks down he recognizes the purple box in the younger's hands and a shiver of excitement runs down his spine. Taehyung opens it to reveal the sparkling diamond collar. "Let me put this on you before we enter."
Yoongi nods eagerly and is instantly more content with the whole situation when he feels the weight of the collar around his neck. It puts the perfect amount of pressure against his skin, sitting right below his Adam's apple and not tight enough to feel constricting but tight enough to not be forgotten. Taehyung brushes his fingers down over Yoongi's collarbones until he reaches the exposed top of his chest. Yoongi purposely left the first three buttons of his shirt open. Taehyung presses his fingers against his skin.
"You're so beautiful." His lips move right against Yoongi's mouth as he leans forward to kiss him. It seemed like an innocent kiss before Taehyung sinks his teeth into Yoongi's bottom lip, prolonging the sting even when the elder whimpers slightly. It's probably red and slightly swollen just from this small ministration. "I like the eyeliner," Taehyung says before moving away and opening the door of the car to get out.
Yoongi's still kind of caught up in the kiss from a second ago, lips open and still throbbing lightly from the bruising bite. Taehyung opens the passenger door, the expression on his face different from before and Yoongi knows the other is slipping into his own role. His eyes seem darker, hooded and there's something about his whole demeanor that's different. Just the way he stands there, raising one eyebrow expectantly radiates so much authority that Yoongi immediately hurries to get out of the car as soon as possible.
"You hold onto this," Taehyung says - no. Taehyung orders him, pointing down at the wide belt he wears and Yoongi hesitantly reaches out to close his fingers around the faux leather. The younger starts walking immediately and Yoongi stumbles after him.
They have to show their ID's twice and sign a form once they're in the foyer of the club. Yoongi remembers having to do that as well before he became a member at Sense. Even the foyer already looks so much more extravagant. The floor is made of a dark red velvet carpet and the decorations everywhere seem to cost more than Yoongi's entire life. But it is nothing compared to the club when they finally step through a heavy double door.
The whole atmosphere is different. The music playing here is more like background noise - loud enough to hear but quiet enough to be nothing more than white noise if you're not focusing on it. There are a ton of people around here and Yoongi feels instantly overwhelmed with all the different things he's confronted with at once. There are booths with people just sitting, drinking together but on some tables are people - Subs. They're displayed like an attraction in a museum. Yoongi had a hard time focusing on one thing because he finds something different every second.
Taehyung seems to know where they want to go because he confidently leads them through the mass of people. And it's hard but Yoongi notices that the other is purposely avoiding to pass too close to others, letting Yoongi keep his personal space from everyone in here. It makes his heart beat a little faster - and not because of his excitement.
This has a whole different feel than Sense. Of course, they're different BDSM clubs but Yoongi wouldn't have thought the difference would be this big. As they walk further into the room he catches sight of a brightly illuminated archway kind of thing to his left. He could see a long hallway, the right side is made of glass and his breath catches in his throat as he sees what's going on behind the glass. There are scenes happening. Scenes for everyone who would stand in front of the glass to watch. Just seeing it makes embarrassment hotly run through his whole body and he holds Taehyung's belt a little tighter.
He continues looking around. The whole club looks like some kind of expensive, vintage castle or something. There are even heavy chandeliers hanging from the ceiling and Yoongi would like to look at them for a bit longer but then his gaze meets something that he couldn't turn away from again.
Towards the end of the big room is a stage. A big stage, illuminated by bright lights and Yoongi could see two different scenes going on up there. A crowd is watching the five persons on the stage closely and Yoongi could see some of them touching themselves or others subtly. It's nothing too indecent yet - he read that here are kind of the same rules as in Sense. Sexual nudity either on stage or in the private rooms - that private room means glass room is something Yoongi wouldn't have expected though.
His eyes catch on the couple of three. Obviously two Doms and one Sub. It's a chubby young woman in the middle of the stage, eyes closed as if she's experiencing the best feeling in the world as the other two people continue to tie her up. It's blood red rope they use to tightly wrap around her, it digs into the fat at her sides, makes it more obvious that she's a bit chubby. But she looks so pretty, breathtakingly beautiful like this. One of the Doms is a man who does the most work at tying the rope while the other Dom, a woman, is more like overseeing his work. Directing him as he wraps the rope around the Sub's middle.
The other couple, the two people on the left are a man and a woman. The man is kneeling on the floor while the woman is obviously punishing him, a whip between her slender fingers and as it strikes down on his back Yoongi could hear the sound of it. He could almost feel the hit himself and a shudder shakes his body.
"If you want something to drink," Taehyung suddenly speaks up and Yoongi flinches. He has totally forgotten that he's standing right next to the other. "They don't serve alcohol here. Not when events like this take place," He explains, "Because the audience is allowed to engage with the club's Doms and intoxicated people can't give clear consent. So, they don't serve alcohol tonight."
"I don't want something to drink," Yoongi carelessly replies, not really paying attention to Taehyung because his gaze is still trapped by the tied up woman on stage. It's like when he's staring hard enough, close enough, he could almost feel the rope pressing into his own skin. Suddenly, there's a sting coming from the back of his head.
With a gasp Yoongi reaches behind himself to grasp Taehyung's wrist who is tugging at Yoongi's hair, pulling hard enough to force him to tilt his head back. His eyes bore through the elder like fire, leaving burns wherever they look. "Do I need to remind you what you call me? Are you already acting up? Do you want to sit up there on stage? Being the one being punished?"
Yoongi quickly shakes his head, tears building in the corners of his eyes from having his hair pulled. His heart is beating out of his chest as he hurries to apologize to Taehyung. "No - no, I'm sorry - Sir," He gasps, "Sir, I won't forget again. I promise."
It's almost impossible reading Taehyung's expression when he's like this. But he seems to search for something on Yoongi's face, for a crack in his promise - for disobedience and when he doesn't find any he clicks his tongue, letting him go. "You're usually such a good boy," He sighs, "I know you can do better, hm?"
"Of course," Yoongi quickly agrees, "I'll be the best, Sir."
And finally, Taehyung smiles. Smirks. Whatever - it makes Yoongi's stomach explode in flames and his skin starts prickling when Taehyung says those special two words. "Good boy."
Yoongi has quickly lost track of time inside of the club. There is so much to see, so much to focus on and Taehyung keeps dragging him around the room, from booth to booth and from Dom to Dom. It seems like the younger is pretty well known by a lot of people here because there are quite a few chatting him up whenever they get the chance. Yoongi just stays off to the side then, waiting for Taehyung to include him in the conversation and feeling overjoyed with every praise he receives for his perfect behavior.
His cheeks almost hurt from always smiling so wide every time Taehyung lets his hand wander over his body, down his arm, over his stomach, brushing down the small of his back, hand around his waist or gripping his thigh. It's the nonverbal sign telling Yoongi how proud of him he is.
And Yoongi feels comfortable. Has even almost forgotten what happened relatively early into their stay here. It feels surreal now, like he just imagined the face in the crowd of people. But back then it felt like some dunked a bucket of ice over his head. Yoongi is sure he saw him at the other side of the room, staring him, eyes boring into him. But a second later he was gone from his sight - it was so short, so brief that Yoongi is sure he imagined it.
It's impossible.
What are the odds coincidentally running into him right here? Right now? But a tiny part of irrational fear has remained inside of his mind and since then he hasn't left Taehyung's side at all, not even a step away from him. His fingers have been permanently clutched around the younger's belt as if they would get separated otherwise.
But sometimes nature calls. Yoongi has tried to hold it off for a long time now but the pressure on his bladder is getting way too uncomfortable right now. Taehyung is talking with another woman right now, similar to them she has a seemingly younger woman standing right behind her, a leash around her neck as she doesn't dare to step away from her Dom.
"Sir?" Yoongi whispers during a pause of their conversation. Taehyung only tilts his head to the side, signaling him that he's listening even though his attention doesn't seem to be on him. (It's so hot.) "I need the toilet, Sir."
The other woman raises her eyebrow at Yoongi's question and he tries to ignore her. Taehyung notices his slight discomfort and fully turns around towards him, shielding him from the gazes of the two women in front of them. "I think that you're able to go alone, right?" He says slowly, one corner of his mouth twitching up in a small smile.
Yoongi bites his lip as he stares at him. Of course, he is able to go alone but the tiny part of him that is scared just couldn't shut up. That tiny part of him doesn't want to go alone. He knows he possibly imagined his face, possibly just thought he's seen him because he's been stressing over this exact thing for the past week. But just because he knows he imagined it doesn't mean that he doesn't feel uneasy about going alone anymore.
At the same time though, he also doesn't want to make a scene. He doesn't want to be a bratty baby that couldn't even go to the bathroom on its own. Even more, he doesn't want to explain why wants Taehyung to come along, he doesn't want to let the paranoia in his brain win so he just nods before turning around to make his way towards the toilets.
Inside of the tiled room isn't any music and it feels like he suddenly stepped into a different dimension. The stalls are all empty - there is no one here beside him and Yoongi releases the breath he's been holding since he left Taehyung's side. He's just worrying too much again, like he always does. There is nothing going to happen, nothing to be scared of.
Once he's done peeing his whole body feels calmer than before. Maybe the pressure on his bladder has just heightened his nervousness. Now, at least, he could breathe normally again. Yoongi fixes his hair in the mirror before making his way towards the door. Hopefully, Taehyung is still standing where he left him because he really doesn't want to search for -
Just as his hand is about to close around the handle the door already flies open. Yoongi doesn't even have time to lift his head when someone is already pushing against his chest, forcing him back inside of the bathroom while the door falls shut again. The foreign touch brushes against his slightly exposed chest and Yoongi immediately recoils from the burning feeling. He snaps his head up, ready to yell at whoever just pushed him so unnecessarily violent but when he looks up into familiar eyes his whole body freezes on the spot.
Yoongi read about people experiencing certain moments in their lives in slow motion. Important events like watching their bride walking towards them on their wedding day. Or dangerous moments, the few seconds before your car crashes into something. And this right here is Yoongi's own, personal slow-motion moment. The second it takes him to recognize the man in front of him slows everything else around him down. Those eyes, cruel, cruel eyes. That mouth, that mouth that would always smile in that sick, sadistic way. The face, the face that he sees in his nightmares. The hands that he still feels around his neck sometimes.
"Look who we have here." And that voice. The voice that belittled him so many times before, knocked him down and kept kicking him even when he was lying motionless in the dirt.
It's impossible for him to move, so Yoongi just stands there. He stands there, completely frozen and alone in the room with the last person on earth he would ever want to be alone with. "Don't talk to me." His voice comes out weaker than he wanted it to and he hates it. Hates that after two years he still instantly lost all of his confidence in the other man's presence.
The man just laughs at his pathetic attempt of trying to sound intimidating. "So you don't even want to apologize for just leaving back then, huh?" He takes another step towards Yoongi and the smaller instantly goes back, back until he hits the wall behind him and just knows that he's trapped. Still, he tries to mask his panic, tries to appear like he isn't as scared as he actually is.
"Leave me alone," Yoongi says louder but his voice trembles, "I'm not yours anymore."
"I can see that," The man clicks his tongue as he crowds against Yoongi. His scent invades the smaller's senses and he immediately wants to throw up. Citrus and something woody - dirty. It's a dirty smell that makes the hairs at the back of Yoongi's neck rise. The man reaches out to tug on the diamond collar, hooking his finger behind it as he pulls - pulling Yoongi forward as well.
And Yoongi wants to punch him, feels his fists clench at his side but he's frozen. The only thing he does is leaning back but he's not able to get away from the other. "Found yourself a rich sugar daddy, huh? I bet he just tolerates you because he's already half dead anyway."
"Don't talk about things that you know nothing about," Yoongi hisses and even though his voice sounds more confident his body still betrays him. He's trembling like a leaf in the wind.
"Are you really talking back to me now, Yoongi?" The man asks and his lips stretch into that horrible smile - that smile that still gives Yoongi nightmares. "Have you forgotten what happens to Subs who talk back?"
It's enough to make something snap inside of him. Enough to make Yoongi forget about his terrifying fear for a second as he pushes against the taller man's chest with all his might, breaking free from him. "Leave me the fuck alone!"
This catches not only him but also the other by surprise and he stumbles a few steps back. Enough for Yoongi to get on the other side of him, now the door isn't blocked by him anymore. Yoongi could escape. His voice still echoes in the tiled room when another person enters. Yoongi instantly feels relieved - so thankful for the person who just unknowingly walked in onto something that could have ended very, very badly.
"We'll see each other again, Yoongi," The man says with a lopsided smirk, "You always meet twice."
Yoongi doesn't look back as he runs out of there. Terrified is a word too weak to describe what he's feeling right now. The club - that looked so inviting all evening suddenly seems like his own personal hell as Yoongi frantically pushes through the people in his way, ignoring when they call after him after he pushed them out of the way.
The skin under his collar burns, the touch of the man still right there on his body. A mark burned right into it like a tattoo that would never fade again. It awakens memories, so many memories that make Yoongi feel like a balloon with too much air inside - ready to burst any second. Just a little more - a tiny bit more and he would explode right here, in the middle of the club and far, far away from the only person who could possibly calm him now.
Everything around him suddenly doesn't look the way it did before and Yoongi feels lost. Lost between all those people, the different tables, booths and he knows that he needs to calm down right now if he doesn't want to have a panic attack right now. He stops in the middle of the room, trying to take a deep breath as he forces himself to slowly look around - hoping to somehow recognize where he left Taehyung standing before going to the bathroom.
Nothing looks familiar. There is a burning sensation behind his eyes and Yoongi clenches his fists tightly, his fingernails bore into the skin of his hands but the pain is not enough to keep his mind from running wild. Even when he starts driving his nails deeper into the sensitive skin of his forearms - he just couldn't fight against the wave of sheer panic trying to drown him.
His gaze catches on eyes that are already staring right at him. It's him. He's watching Yoongi closely from the other side of the room. It's just like the beginning of the evening, with the only difference that Yoongi knows that he is not imagining the other man. He's standing right there, smiling and raises one hand to wave at him. Yoongi's stomach turns and he feels bile rise in his throat.
This all just couldn't be. The room starts spinning around him and he's about to just fall to his knees and cry when he finally recognizes the mop of brown hair a bit to his left.
"Taehyung -" Is all he could gasp out before he stumbles towards the younger male. It doesn't matter what he looks like right now, it doesn't matter that he probably looks like he saw a ghost - which he kind of did. It doesn't matter that his skin is probably as pale as paper or that his eyes are swimming in tears or that he couldn't even get his voice to work properly. Only getting out of here matters right now.
Once he reaches him Yoongi immediately clasps his hands around Taehyung's belt, holding on like it's his only lifeline. "Red -" Taehyung has flinched when Yoongi suddenly came at him from behind but hearing this single word makes the younger choke on his drink. "Red. I want to go right now," Yoongi demands and he's surprised at the sheer desperate way his voice sounds - as if he's a step away from dying.
He might as well be.
Just like he promised, Taehyung doesn't ask a single question. He just takes Yoongi's hand, holding him close as he maneuvers them through the other people and towards the exit as soon as possible. The first time Yoongi actually draws in a real breath again is only when they're outside, the cold night air around them.
Taehyung starts driving as soon as they're inside of the car but it's not enough. Yoongi wishes he would drive faster, wishes they could be on the other side of the city already. As far away from the man at the club as possible.
They're stopping at a red light when Taehyung finally turns towards him and speaks, voice soft and quiet. Like he's afraid to startle Yoongi or scare him even further. "Are you okay?" Yoongi stops running his fingernails up and down his thighs, freezing momentarily at the question.
"Yeah, just –" He struggles to quickly come up with an explanation without stating the real reason for his panic. Oh, it makes him feel even worse than he's already feeling but he couldn't - couldn't tell him. Especially not now. "Just too many people. Got overwhelmed," He lies.
Taehyung stares at him until the light turns green. And even then he continues to stare and Yoongi knows what he's looking for. He's looking for proof, for a sign that Yoongi is telling the truth or is actually lying. His burning gaze doesn't help with the overall uncomfortableness that Yoongi is feeling right now. He forces himself to not start squirming and bites his bottom lip to keep it from trembling too much. After what feels like an eternity Taehyung finally starts driving again with a sigh falling from his lips.
"Okay," Taehyung says, "Should I take you home?"
"Please..." Yoongi whispers. He should feel the safest in Taehyung's presence - when he's with him but right now it's suffocating sitting next to him. But that is entirely Yoongi's fault. If he could just be honest he could maybe find comfort in Taehyung's arms right now but like this... like this, he needs to get away from him as soon as possible and most importantly, has to convince him to stop prying deeper into this issue. "I'm sorry – I didn't know it would be so overwhelming."
The reassuring touch against his thigh is something Yoongi doesn't deserve and he knows that. But he still lets Taehyung, internally he is glad the other is trying to calm him down and it helps. Just a little though. It's not enough. "Don't worry about it. I'm glad you told me. I don't want to put you in any uncomfortable situations. Should I stay with you tonight?"
"No, thanks," Yoongi quickly says - wincing at his own small outbreak and how suspicious it looks. Normally, every time he feels upset, every time he is anxious or close to a panic attack he asks Taehyung to stay with him. He doesn't dare to gauge the other's reaction, scared to give away that he's lying. "I think I'm just going to sleep."
Taehyung doesn't say anything for the rest of the ride and Yoongi isn't sure if that's a good or a bad thing. When they arrive at his apartment complex he's about to just get out of there as soon as possible. The tears in his eyes have been threatening to spill over any second now and the panic inside of him is boiling, screaming to be let out but he knows that Taehyung wouldn't leave if he would see him like that. And in his panic induced haze, Yoongi might end up telling him more than he should.
Before he could get out of the car though Taehyung holds him back, one hand resting against Yoongi's thigh. He's not actually holding him, not pulling him back, not really hindering him to leave but Yoongi halts despite that. Taehyung stares at him with an unreadable expression before he leans forward to plant a kiss on Yoongi's forehead - so gently that the elder almost breaks out crying right here.
"Goodnight Yoongi," Taehyung whispers, "I love you."
The words are like poison on his tongue. "I love you, too."
Yoongi doesn't even make it past the entrance door of the apartment complex before the tears roll down his cheeks like a waterfall. The first sob wrecks through his body once the elevator doors close behind him and he quickly searches for his phone. He's seeing the display through a teary haze but his fingers already know which number they need to dial.
His whole body trembles and he sobs even harder when his call goes straight to the mailbox. Namjoon must have forgotten to charge his phone again. He's always so careless when it comes to things like that. The door opens and Yoongi stumbles through the small hallway, fumbling with his keys to finally get inside of his apartment. Once inside he dials a second number, sinking to his knees as he hopes the other would pick up.
He's leaning with his back against his closed apartment door, letting the coldness of the floor soak through his thin pants and shirt as he stares into the endless darkness ahead of him, tears rolling down his cheeks. His call gets picked up after the fifth ring. Seokjin answering his phone with a sleepy voice but Yoongi couldn't even waste a thought on feeling sorry for waking the other up.
"Yoongi? It's the middle of the night -" He cuts himself off with a yawn.
"Can you come over please?" Yoongi sobs, holding his phone tightly, hoping to whatever deities there might be that Seokjin wouldn't ask too many questions and would just come over.
It seems like it only took these few words for the elder to finally be wide awake. There's rustling on the other side and then Seokjin's speaking again, voice obviously distressed. "What happened?"
"I saw him," Yoongi gasps - not even needing to explain who because Seokjin knows, "At the club Tae and I went to – he spoke to me."
"I'm waking Joon right now -" There's more rustling on the other side of the phone and Yoongi could distinctly hear a groan that's obviously coming from Namjoon being woken up, "We'll be there as soon as possible. Keep breathing for me, okay?"
Yoongi couldn't even reply, the only sound coming over his lips is a quiet whimper. It says enough though.
"I'm staying on my phone the whole way, okay?"
Yoongi closes his eyes as he chokes on a sob.
And somewhere on the dark streets of Seoul Taehyung is driving home, not believing a word that came out of Yoongi's mouth.
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