21
Friends.
That what they agreed on and Yoongi tried, he really tried to be friends with Taehyung. Just friends, nothing more than friends. And they were just that – just friends with a ton of baggage from the past.
They were nothing more than friends.
It was undeniable though, that there has been an awkward kind of tension between them since they finally started spending time together again. That day Yoongi went over to Taehyung's apartment to talk everything out he spent the night. They fell asleep on the other's huge couch after having talked for hours and hours. Only the moon shining through the windows their witness.
Yoongi would only be able to admit it a few weeks later but this single night – that one night he spent in the younger's presence after three months of nothing already made him calmer. He felt it, back then, he felt it in the way the tension slowly faded from his clenched muscles. Felt it in the way the dark mass in his stomach slowly subsided and in the way, his mind would finally slow down.
But the thing that really proved how much Taehyung's simple presence affects Yoongi's body was the fact that he slept through the whole night. Yoongi doesn't even remember falling asleep, he knows he yawned a few times. He knew his eyes were so heavy that Taehyung often asked him if he was still awake, still listening.
And Yoongi was, he remembers listening to Taehyung's voice talking for what seemed like hours and slowly, along the way he drifted off to sleep just like that. He woke up when the sun has already been high up in the sky. And he felt rested. So, well-rested – it was like he slept for a hundred years or so. He woke up that morning in Taehyung's bed, alone.
The spot next to him, the spot, where he would usually find Taehyung back when they were still a couple, was cold.
He found the younger still sound asleep on the couch, wrapped in a simple blanket and hair a mess. And even back then, even back then he knew that he couldn't just be friends with Taehyung. He already knew that his heart would probably recover quickly with the presence of the younger and that it would beat for him again. Only beat for him.
Yoongi still tried. He still tried to be nothing more than the younger's friend. He tried so hard to push the lingering feelings away, tried so hard to fight against them. Tried to pretend like they didn't grow with each passing day.
But then Taehyung smiles at him and he's at square one again.
Being in a group of friends full of couples that only found each other because of you, while the only two singles are exes with a fucked-up past doesn't really help his case either. Yoongi could see it in the smiles of his friends, could see it in the carefree laughter of Seokjin and the deep dimples of Namjoon that they're more than happy that they could finally all hang out together again. All seven of them.
Everyone seems to be ecstatic that Yoongi and Taehyung finally made up and agreed on being friends. Yoongi is convinced that he's the only one who isn't too happy about that. But it's for the best. He knows that he couldn't jump back into a relationship. He knows that three months, even if it sounds long, are basically nothing to heal a broken heart or get over someone you really loved with every fiber of your being. So, he decided being friends would be for the best. And even weeks later, he still thinks it's for the best but that doesn't mean it's not difficult.
It might take long, very long for his feelings to vanish or maybe, if they stayed, there's a part inside of him that thinks that they might have a second chance. But maybe not. Yoongi doesn't know.
Maybe, yeah, maybe there would come a time in the future where they would try to be together again. And maybe there wouldn't because who is Yoongi to dictate Taehyung's feelings? Just because he couldn't let go of them after everything that happened doesn't mean Taehyung feels the same way, faces the same problem.
Yoongi didn't tell anyone about his feelings. He kept it all to himself that he isn't over his love for Taehyung. Maybe some part inside of himself will never be able to let the other go. There must be a part of himself that is a hopeless masochist because Yoongi knows, oh, he knows that at least right now, they don't have a chance. And the future? The future is more uncertain than ever but he still couldn't let go of his feelings for Taehyung.
His heart isn't even completely healed yet but with every passing day, it beats a little louder for Taehyung. And still, Yoongi tries to be his friend. On some days it's harder than on other days. Especially because Taehyung often says things that confuse Yoongi. His words affect him more than he lets on – and maybe he's overreacting, maybe this is just what being Taehyung's friend is like but his heart betrays him every single time.
There are moments where Taehyung smiles at him for a second too long, making Yoongi's mind wonder if the other also still has feelings left somewhere inside of him. If Taehyung might just be like him, hiding the remains of his love from everyone's prying eyes. Sometimes he says things that make Yoongi's heart beat faster but a second later he's back to normal again and Yoongi doesn't get it.
It hurts. Every time he thinks that Taehyung might hide the same feelings as him Yoongi can't breathe. His lungs clench, his heart stops beating for a second and he's sure he's going to die. But then the moment passes. Taehyung passes and Yoongi could breathe again.
He doesn't even know how he would react if he knew that Taehyung still loves him. Would he be happy? Sad? Confused? Hell, Yoongi has no idea. But what he does know is that he still has feelings for the other and that being his friend hurts every time he has to see him but this is what he'll endure. For Taehyung and for himself. Because even when they're just friends the younger's presence slowly heals him. It makes him feel at ease and it's better to have Taehyung as a friend than to not have him at all.
Friends it is then.
He could sense how much it means to Taehyung as well that they've made up – he's not going to take that happiness away from Taehyung. Neither is he going to take it away from his friends and to some extent, he keeps his own happiness as well. Because even if they're just friends, Yoongi could finally smile again, genuinely.
The seven of them grew even closer than they were before their break-up. They spend a lot of evenings together, a lot of time where it's the seven of them – all together. And it's great, it feels like they're all a huge family and Yoongi wouldn't give that feeling up for the world.
In the past few weeks not only his friendship to Taehyung developed but everyone else has been living their life as well. No one's life just stopped, they've all been moving forward and Yoongi couldn't be happier for every single one of them. Just a little while ago they've all sweated buckets while helping Seokjin move in with his two boyfriends.
Of course, Yoongi has been more than happy for them but at the same time, he couldn't help but feel sad about it as well. Not because he's jealous of their relationship or anything. No. No, it's more the fact that things are going to change yet again. He could still visit Seokjin, of course, he could but now Namjoon wouldn't be around anymore.
He knew the day would come at some point in the future. He knew that his best friends would find someone and move in with them, maybe even start a family but somehow it all feels like it's happening too fast. Or maybe Yoongi is just living too slow for everyone else. Now, when he steps into the apartment that used to belong to his two best friend's it doesn't feel like a second home anymore.
Everything is different. There's only Namjoon around, Namjoon and the empty spaces Seokjin left behind. And every time Yoongi sees those his heart hurts a bit. When those spaces started to disappear little by little, filled by Jimin's tiny hands he didn't know how to feel.
It's the only logical thing that those two move in together next. And Yoongi is happy for his friends, hell, he is so fucking happy for them but at the same time, he hates the change it brings. He hates, however, not only the change but also the fact that he hates it. He wishes he could just be happy for his friends but there's always a part inside of him that hates how everything has to change sooner or later.
But mostly, Yoongi tries to focus on the positive things. He tries to focus on how much all seven of them actually began feeling like a family.
But sometimes the comfortable atmosphere around them shatters. Sometimes it's a single moment that takes all of them back, a thoughtless word that reminds all of them of the fact that Yoongi and Taehyung used to be dating.
Normally, no one would even notice it. There's barely any awkwardness left between them that's noticeable from an outsider's point of view but then sometimes those moments happen. Sometimes they're all sitting together, sharing casual moments and one of them would say something that would break the careless atmosphere around them.
Since Seokjin moved in with his two boyfriends all of them mostly meet at their apartment. Apart from Taehyung's, it's the biggest one. The one that feels the most like 'home' because it's always so lively. Three people are living here after all.
And so they're all here, all seven of them seated around the dinner table that's designed to only hold six persons but they make it work despite that. Yoongi sits between Jimin and Hoseok, having the most space from all seven of them. On the opposite side of the table, there's Namjoon right in front of Jimin, Taehyung sitting next to him and to the far left, Jungkook and Seokjin squished together. So very close, almost sitting on top of each other while joking around the loudest.
Yoongi is always impressed by how much those two actually joke around. It's not the most common thing seeing people with such a big age difference interacting as if they're the same age. But maybe that's because of Seokjin's nature. He's the oldest but he never really acted like that. He's mature and all but he doesn't really like the hierarchy based on age, so he has always tried making everyone feel equal. Has always joked around and teased. Jungkook and he can be insufferable at times and Yoongi often wonders how Hosoek is able to put up with them.
It's been a few weeks since they began being friends again and Yoongi isn't sure if he's the only one still feeling a little bit awkward around Taehyung or if the younger feels the same way. It's just that Yoongi notices a certain kind of tension that seems to exist between them every time they're in the same room. And he has no idea if it's real or if he's just imagining it. Maybe everyone could sense it but pretends it's not there?
But every time Yoongi looks up, eyes locked on Taehyung he finds the other looking already. It's awkward, especially when both of them immediately look away again. As if they were caught doing something forbidden. Maybe exes really couldn't be friends again? At least not without being awkward in each other's presence.
Yoongi stares down at his food, distantly hearing Taehyung's voice over the sound of Seokjin's loud laughter and immediately perks up at the question spilling over the younger's lips. Before he could stop himself he's already speaking.
"There's cucumber inside, you won't like it." Everyone freezes at Yoongi's words, even he himself almost chokes on his spit as he realizes what he just said. Carefully he glances up at Taehyung who has his arm still outstretched, ready to be handed the salad.
The salad has cucumbers inside. Taehyung hates cucumbers. Yoongi knows that. He knows that because he spent a whole afternoon laughing at the younger as he tried to eat a little bit of the vegetable. His face has been so funny.
With his words, the whole happy and comfortable atmosphere around the seven of them broke and he bites the inside of his cheek again. Taehyung looks the most surprised that Yoongi remembers this kind of information about him and Yoongi wants to die. He wishes the floor would open up and swallow him whole.
If literally anyone else would have said it, there wouldn't have been a problem but it was Yoongi. Yoongi said that, Yoongi remembered this small detail as if they were still boyfriends and it doesn't seem like anyone knows how to act. They're all kind of staring, caught in a silence that gets uncomfortable way too quick.
"Oh," Taehyung is finally the first one to break the tension. He coughs slightly and Yoongi immediately drops his gaze down to his food again. "I guess so."
Slowly everyone starts eating again but the awkwardness remains in the air. It might lessen with every passing second for everyone else but Yoongi's heart is still violently beating in his chest.
"You never really mentioned that you don't like cucumbers. I wouldn't have put them in if you told me," Seokjin says and Yoongi winces again. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why did he have to say anything? Taehyung would have taken one look at the salad and would have known that he wouldn't eat it so why – why did Yoongi feel the need to open his stupid, big mouth?
"Don't worry," Taehyung chuckles and Yoongi almost glances up again, almost. "I – That's okay."
The tension stays high for god knows how long. Yoongi purposely keeps his gaze down this time, not really listening to the conversation going on around him as he tries to focus on nothing but his own food. He could feel the gaze of Taehyung on him. From time to time he's almost compelled to look up, just to check if the younger is really staring at him but he resists.
It's only getting comfortable around the table again when Seokjin and Jungkook start bickering. Even Yoongi starts smiling to himself as they yell over each other, laughter tumbling from their lips. Jungkook almost falls off his chair when Seokjin turns towards him a little faster, his broad shoulders almost knocking Jungkook straight into his face.
Everyone's laughing, everyone forgot about what happened a few minutes ago. The distraction of both of them is almost enough. Almost enough to have Taehyung's action go by unnoticed but almost isn't enough after all.
Yoongi notices it first, having his gaze almost unconsciously drawn to the movement of Taehyung's hands. He sees it first, not really thinking anything about it but still confused. Taehyung casually strips his roasted chicken of its skin and only when he picks the skin up with his chopsticks something clicks in Yoongi's mind. His face pales as his heart starts beating violently again when the younger dumps the skin on his plate.
It's almost the same situation as before. Taehyung continues laughing and chewing his food as if nothing's wrong. At the same time, he continues giving Yoongi the skin of his chicken and slowly, everyone falls silent again. In the end, it's Jungkook's laughter that dies out the last.
The 'thank you' is already on his tongue before Yoongi realizes what's happening. Before he realizes that this is again, something they only used to do when they're a couple. His eyes widen slightly, noticing the silence and as he catches Taehyung's gaze, the younger finally seems to realize the situation as well.
"It's because you love the skin," He mumbles lowly, his arm still outstretched over the table.
The tension is back and Yoongi wants to run.
I love you, is what he wants to say. His heart screams at him, yells at him to just say those three words but he couldn't.
"I didn't think you would remember," Is what he says in the end.
Taehyung retracts his arm slowly and maybe it's just the light but Yoongi could swear the other starts blushing a bit, eyes cast on his own plate. Maybe it was a trick of the light or maybe he really blushed, whatever it was, Yoongi pretends he didn't notice it.
"Well, I did," Taehyung says, coughing slightly, "You remembered the cucumber thing."
Yoongi is quiet for the rest of the evening. These are moments where he isn't sure what kind of signals Taehyung is sending him. Because there are so many moments where they still, unconsciously or not, act like a couple. And it tears at Yoongi's freshly healed heart.
It might be complete again but the scars are still there, the phantom pain of broken bits and pieces haunting him in the deep of the night. He watches Taehyung the whole evening even though he tries not to. His gaze always somehow ends up on the younger male.
It's impossible to look away from him.
Sometimes Yoongi still thinks back on what happened weeks ago. Sometimes he remembers how much he hurt, how many sleepless nights he spent because of Taehyung. Sometimes he remembers the pain of his broken heart tormenting him for months but then he looks at Taehyung, sees his eyes sparkle, sees his smile and he forgives him.
It was hard forgiving him. In the beginning, Yoongi was conflicted. He was so conflicted because there are so many different parts inside of him. There's the part that genuinely forgives the younger, the part that wants to be his friend. But there's also the part that is still hurting, Yoongi is sure the pain might never vanish completely, it'll only get smaller with each passing day until he could forget about it at some point. And between those two parts, there's a third one, a tiny one. The part that hides in the crevices of his heart, clings onto lingering feelings that grow slowly. But they grow, they grow again.
His feelings for Taehyung are like a flower that's been ripped away before it could fully bloom. A flower that wasn't meant to survive winter but now, with the melting snow around it's fighting its way out of the earth again. Against all expectations and it wants to grow, it wants to bloom and Yoongi doesn't know how to get rid of it – or if he even wants to destroy such a beautiful flower.
It just has to stay his secret.
Being friends with someone that you used to love so much is hard. It is one of the hardest things Yoongi ever had to endure – emotionally. But he knows that he would do anything to keep this friendship between them. He's not going to risk losing Taehyung just because he couldn't move on from him.
A little pain is better than not having the other in his life at all. That's what he realized now and with him forgiving he younger, being friends is finally possible.
At least they're together again – even if there are moments where Yoongi feels like dying.
-o-
It's hard and painful but it hurts so good.
The night where the company announced the new CEO all seven of them were present. Taehyung's father has been gone for about three weeks already and for the time being no official statement about the next CEO was made but of course, they all knew. They all knew that it was gonna be Hoseok and no one else.
So, all of them dressed up in fancy suits, pregaming all together and rolled up at the party like they owned the place. Okay, maybe not like that but it really felt like they were the stars of the party – having Hoseok, the actual star of the night in their middle might have pushed all of them though.
Yoongi wanted to stay away from alcohol that night. It's always a better idea for him to stay sober. He doesn't like the feeling of losing control over his body, his mind – himself when he's in an unsafe environment. Actually, he's slowly falling back into his old pattern of holding onto control too tightly.
It's slow, it's a little different from before but it's still an obsession. An obsession he couldn't just get rid of and every single coping mechanism he tries fails. Nothing really works. Nothing but one thing. But he couldn't go and find someone else to dom him. He couldn't put his trust into the hands of someone after everything that happened this easily.
Maybe someday he'll be able to emotionally detach himself from Taehyung enough to let someone else in again – not necessarily romantically but in another way. But the way it is right now, Yoongi couldn't even imagine giving himself to someone else than Taehyung. And that doesn't even have something to do with his lingering and developing feelings. It's just the way it is because Taehyung has not only been the person he loved the most in his life but also the one he trusted the most.
And Yoongi knew, that night he knew that he needed to stay away from alcohol the second his eyes met Taehyung's. The younger looked good – honestly? When does he ever really look bad anyway? Sometimes he's walking around in the most ridiculous things and pulls them off effortlessly. It should be illegal or something.
But the second Yoongi met his eyes that evening he knew he would do something he'd regret if he had a drop of alcohol in his system. But then they called Hoseok to the front, giving speeches about how much they looked forward to working with and under him. And when Hoseok started his own speech Yoongi felt euphoric himself.
He's smiling so brightly and it's like he's lightning up the whole room. Yoongi couldn't say no to the glass of champagne they all drank, toasting to the future success of the other. It wasn't much, just a glass of champagne and then Jimin gave him another one and after that, someone got their hands on whiskey and now Yoongi has no idea how he ended up here.
Actually, he doesn't remember a lot of the night. He remembers his friends, he remembers laughing, the way the champagne prickled as it went down his throat. He remembers the burn of his whiskey and the great mood. Everything was great, the music, the people – Yoongi felt great but he doesn't remember a lot after that. Only that he ended up right here.
In a situation, he wanted to avoid. A situation that could potentially mean that he would throw all caution out of the window.
It's the only situation of the night he could still vividly remember the next morning. The next morning when he lied in bed, head pounding and his mouth tasting like shit. But this moment, this exact moment is crystal clear in his mind, replaying every time he closes his eyes.
Taehyung is right in front of him, so close that Yoongi could smell the other's perfume. It's intoxicating. And Yoongi, Yoongi is maybe just a little bit drunk. The music around him seems louder than anything but the laughter tumbling from Taehyung's lips still rings clearly in his ears.
Yoongi remembers Taehyung's smile, that boxy smile that makes his heart beat a mile per minute. And he remembers how it was directed at him, only at him, remembers the other asking to dance and him agreeing without a second thought.
It almost felt magical and for a moment Yoongi forgot to worry about his poor little heart, forgot to worry about anything at all because right now, there's only one thing mattering. A single thing and that's Taehyung and him. Just the two of them in the middle of a crowd of people, dancing closely.
Stupid, stupid little heart beating faster when Taehyung's hands hold him close by his waist. But Yoongi couldn't help it. Also couldn't help it when his hands reached out to hold Taehyung's shoulders.
But despite that – despite everything else, Yoongi wouldn't want to change a thing about their relationship right now.
There's no way they could become a couple again – not yet, maybe not ever. And that's okay. At the moment, that's okay. Yoongi knows that being friends, giving each other space to heal is what they need to do at the moment.
And still, they still end up in situations like this.
-o-
The trees around them were painted in all colors. From green to red, over yellow and ending in a warm brown. Yoongi sits on the park bench behind the hospital building, scarf wrapped around his neck while he stares at Taehyung's back.
"Min." Yoongi snaps his head to the side, not even having noticed that he slightly spaced out. His cheeks heat up but he could just blame that on the cold. Taehyung's father isn't looking at him, his eyes are focused on the same person Yoongi has been staring at. "I'm glad to see you and my son are talking again."
Yoongi glances at the younger who's waiting in line to get them something hot to drink. A cold gust of wind sends a shiver down Yoongi's spine – but maybe it was also due to the words of the man sitting next to him.
"He was very sad," Taehyung's father continues to talk, "And missed you a lot."
It's a bit awkward. Yoongi admits it. The awkwardness increased the second Taehyung excused himself and even until now, Yoongi still doesn't understand why the younger wanted him to come along. Even as the younger's father was still working, Yoongi and he have never been really close. Their relationship never transcending a strictly work-related one. Nothing more than professionalism between them. They never even had a casual conversation, so this is not only awkward but also new.
Yoongi is not used to seeing the man like this. There's something in his features that hasn't been there before, a certain kind of warmth. A warmth that has never been there before the other reconciled with Taehyung, for real this time.
But it's not the only thing different about the other man. He has stopped wearing his toupee, exposing his almost bald head by now. A few gray hairs still cling to him and Yoongi thinks everyone would have noticed the other's health issues way sooner if he wouldn't have hidden his head. The lines on his face have become deeper too, his skin now sickly pale and he lost most of his weight.
Now it's obvious. It's more than obvious that he's sick and that he doesn't have a lot of time left.
"I missed him too, sir," Yoongi whispers, eyes locked on his own hands in his lap.
"I'm not your boss anymore, am I?" The older male laughs and it's the first time Yoongi has actually heard the sound. It's so similar to Taehyung's laughter that it's almost surreal. "Don't call me sir."
"Sorry –" Yoongi cuts himself off in the last second before calling the other man 'sir' yet again. At least the elder doesn't notice how he word almost slips him.
"I owe you an apology as well," The other man says with a sigh, "I didn't know you had something with my son and in the end, I had a great part in your break up. It wasn't okay what I did and I hope you can forgive me one day."
Yoongi freezes. He glances up, Taehyung is still waiting in line which means he'll have to endure this tense atmosphere even longer. He bites the inside of his cheek before answering. He knows that Taehyung's father did play a huge role in the course their relationship has taken but he's not the only one to blame. And he's definitely not the one needing Yoongi's forgiveness.
Even if he did – Yoongi would have forgiven him even if it would have been a lie. He thinks that's what he would owe the other. Taehyung has forgiven him after all and the other tries so hard, he tries so hard to be a good father for his remaining time on earth. And that's another point. Even if Yoongi wouldn't be able to forgive him, he wouldn't have told that to him knowing that the older male has maybe a month or so left to live.
He would at least let him die in peace. And after all, Yoongi thinks that it's not important whether he forgives him or not. Their relationship is not like that. It only matters that Taehyung forgave him.
"Of course, sir –" The older man raises a finger in warning when Yoongi calls him 'sir' once again.
"I understand if you want to stay as his friend but I guess even that is enough," The man says with a fond smile on his lips – Yoongi doesn't really get the meaning behind his words though, "I hope that you'll be there for him even after I'm gone. He's so happy with you around. And I don't think I've ever seen you smile before. Only when Taehyung was there."
Goosebumps break out over his skin. It takes him a few seconds before he could find the right words to answer. "Your son makes me happy too," He whispers, every beat of his heart feels like a knife is being driven right into his chest, "Maybe we weren't meant to be in a relationship but I hope we can keep this friendship between us forever."
The smile on the face of Taehyung's father gets that tiny bit wider – even that looks like Taehyung's smile, boxy. The younger returns shortly after, balancing the three paper cups carefully before squeezing himself between Yoongi and his father.
The warmth radiating from where their thighs are pressed together is going to drive Yoongi insane.
Friends, he reminds himself, their friendship is good. Just because he still has feelings doesn't mean it's the right thing. Just because he still has feelings somewhere in his traitorous little heart doesn't mean that their relationship could maybe have a future again. It doesn't change the fact that their relationship maybe really wasn't meant to be.
"What were you two talking about?" Taehyung asks before shrieking when the tea burns his lip.
"Nothing..." Yoongi's voice is quiet, thin. He's not even sure if Taehyung heard him. Yoongi discreetly wipes a tear from the corner of his eye.
He doesn't even know how it got there.
-o-
It happened in the middle of November. The only day it snowed that month.
He fell asleep at home, in the arms of Taehyung's mother. He fell asleep and never woke up again. Never got to see the light sheen of snow plunging the whole world in white. Yoongi got to know about it when Taehyung called him that day, crying but at the same time, weirdly calm.
After all, the death of his father hasn't been something that happened suddenly. It has been looming over their heads for years now and in the end, they're all glad that he had such a peaceful death, that it wasn't painful. That he was in the arms of someone he loved when it happened.
The last weeks were hard for him. Yoongi only knows about it because Taehyung vents a lot when he drinks – and he started drinking a lot since the health of his father has worsened indescribably. The doctors couldn't help him anymore, the only thing they could do was lessen his pain but the pills made his mind hazy. It was horrible to watch and in the end, the man decided he didn't want to spend his last breath in a cold hospital room but at home, with his family.
Yoongi doesn't know how Taehyung feels. He couldn't read a single thing on the other's face but he could guess. There's so much about the relationship the younger has to his father that makes the elder's death something that he couldn't easily accept just like that. Yoongi doesn't know how much Taehyung is hurting inside, he couldn't imagine the kind of thoughts and feelings running through the other's body at the moment.
The only thing Yoongi could do was being there for him. For Taehyung.
It's snowing again. The first snow of December and they're all dressed in black, shivering as they're gathered in a small graveyard in the outskirts of Seoul.
Yoongi has been watching Taehyung silently the whole day, waiting for a moment where the younger would need him. But until now it has always been Jimin at the other's side. Holding him, letting him cry on his shoulder and whispering whatever he keeps whispering into the other's ear. Yoongi is not jealous of that. He has no idea how to comfort someone. Actually, as bad as it might sound, he's glad that Jimin is there to take care of the younger.
They're best friends after all. Maybe even something like soulmates. At least, Yoongi believes that if soulmates exist, Taehyung and Jimin would share a soul.
But now Jimin is next to Taehyung's mother, helping her step down from the small podium next to the coffin. She couldn't even get two words out before breaking down in tears again. Yoongi bites the inside of his cheek, glancing at Taehyung whose expression is painful to look at. There are tears in the corners of his eyes too, the tip of his nose a blinding red.
Without really thinking about it, Yoongi reaches out. Squeezing Taehyung's ice-cold fingers with his own warm ones. He's been keeping his hands in his pockets the whole time, the sudden cold sending a spike of pain up his arm. Taehyung squeezes back, the corners of his mouth lifting for the fraction of a second. It's his own, silent way of saying thank you. And then he takes the place of his mother, standing in front of all these people who have come to say goodbye to his father for the last time.
He looks so small up there, a bit like a little kid. Yoongi wishes he could be with him right now, wishes he could hold his hand and tell him that everything's going to be alright even if the whole world seems to be sad at the moment.
"My father and I," Taehyung's voice is surprisingly stronger than Yoongi would have expected it to be. "We didn't always have a good relationship. When I was a kid he was hardly around and as a teenager, he threw me out. It was a trial for us to find back to each other, to accept us as each other's family but we did. In the end, we did."
The silence lingering in the cold air doesn't feel awkward. It's as if everyone is breathing in the same rhythm, everyone's heart beating the same as they all listen to Taehyung's voice. Yoongi could feel his throat closing up, remembering all those nights Taehyung spent telling him about his childhood, about his father and how fucked up their relationship was.
A snowflake dances right in front of him, landing on the tip of his nose and melts in an instant. Yoongi also remembers the nights of the last few months, how happy Taehyung has been while talking about his father. How happy he's been because the elder actually changed, did everything he could to make amends for all his wrongdoings. He remembers Taehyung's happiness that wasn't even dimmed by the approaching death of his father.
And for the first time, he actually realizes how strong Taehyung really is.
"He hasn't been the perfect father but I don't think something like that exists," Taehyung says slowly, this time his voice shakes a bit. Something inside of Yoongi's chest is about to snap and he knows the second Taehyung would start crying that he wouldn't be able to hold his own tears back anymore.
"And he spent the end of his life making amends for everything he did wrong in the past and I couldn't admire him more because of that," Taehyung's voice breaks slightly but he picks himself up again, "Until his last breath he tried to make everything right, tried to fix our relationship and pay more attention to my mother."
The woman sobs loudly – the sound punches Yoongi straight in the stomach and he has to avert his gaze from Taehyung if he doesn't want to start bawling right now. But even like this, even while staring at the snowy ground he couldn't run away from the overwhelming emotion lacing the younger's words.
It's raw, it's real and he's sure that everyone could hear the pain in Taehyung's voice.
"He is not perfect but I wouldn't want him to be –" He doesn't have to look up to know that Taehyung has started crying. Someone grabs his hand, when he glances to his left he sees Namjoon right there, his smile wobbling on his lips while tears run down his cheeks as well. He doesn't even know Taehyung's father but the younger's words touch everyone's heart, just like that.
"And no matter what happened between us, he will remain in my memories as the man who did everything he could to show us that he really loved us, that he really changed for good. I will remember him as the smiling man who visited my gallery and told me how proud he was. I will remember him as a father who tried his best to make up for everything he did wrong before. I will remember him as someone to look up to because people change. And he changed so much. He realized what's really important in life and he is a prime example of someone changing for the better. I will keep this part of him in my memories forever."
That night Taehyung doesn't sleep in his own apartment.
That night he knocks on Yoongi's door at one in the morning. He didn't want to burden Jimin after he sent the other home in the evening, promising him that he could sleep on his own but he still showed up in front of Yoongi's door.
None of them said a word. They didn't have to.
Yoongi holds him tight as he cries his eyes out, letting the other into his bed. With his face pressed between Taehyung's shoulder blades and his arms around the middle of the younger, he holds him as he shakes through his sobs, holds him until there are no more tears left inside of him.
That night Yoongi holds Taehyung close to his heart without thinking of the feelings hiding inside for a single second. He just holds him, not falling asleep until the sun rises again outside of his apartment.
-o-
Spring is blooming again and Yoongi has completely adjusted to being friends with Taehyung.
Sometimes it's still hard, of course, it is. It's hard just being friends when Yoongi knows that he still feels so much for Taehyung. But he knows that this is the right thing for them. His feelings will vanish one day, maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow. Maybe it'll take years but once that moment comes he'll be free. And until then he'll just be happy like this.
There's still the small voice in the back of his mind that tells him that there also might come a day where they could give themselves a chance again. But maybe that's just wishful thinking, maybe it isn't. The universe sometimes moves in mysterious ways but Yoongi has given up already. If they might have a future as a couple, he wouldn't be the one finding that out. He'll keep his feelings to himself forever, until the day when they'll be gone.
Over time it has gotten easier dealing with the pain, dealing with the hurt. But while that has become easier, it's gotten more difficult for Yoongi to take care of himself, especially his mental health. Around January, he guesses it was around that time, he started picking up his old habit of visiting Sense as a relief for him.
But it doesn't feel the same.
Tonight was one of the nights where he carelessly let himself go. They're all at Taehyung's apartment, all seven of them piss drunk and on the verge of passing out. It's dark in Taehyung's living room, only the lights of the city filtering through his huge window front.
Yoongi is leaning against the couch, Jimin's foot somewhere on his shoulder while the other male snores above him. Namjoon has his feet tangled with him, asleep as well. On the other side of the room, Hoseok has curled up under the table, snoring just as loud as everyone else. Yoongi is not really sure how the other ended up there but Hoseok seems content hugging the empty bottle of vodka in his arms. Seokjin leans against the window, mouth wide open and a bit of drool on his bottom lip. Jungkook, somehow, has managed to fit himself completely on the other's lap, talking quietly in his sleep.
The only ones who are still awake are Taehyung and him. It's a dangerous situation. Yoongi knows that but he also couldn't get enough of it. Maybe it's the alcohol fluttering in his stomach or maybe it's the thrill of being so close to the younger.
They're whispering, leaning close to not wake the others around them. And Yoongi just couldn't keep his mouth shut.
"I know I probably wasn't supposed to but I saw the paintings in your bedroom," Yoongi whispers, feeling how Taehyung tenses next to him.
Since they became friends Taehyung's bedroom has somehow become some kind of – what could you even call it? Something that seemed a little off-limits considering what grave part of their relationship went down in there and how much of that they still keep in there. Taehyung has never explicitly told him to stay away but it was some kind of unsaid agreement between them. But Yoongi needed to pee, so bad and the other bathroom was occupied.
So he went in there, not expecting to find the whole room filled with canvases. He knew Taehyung was painting again, has been painting a lot but he never saw those pictures. Not until now. And even though his mind has already been hazy from the alcohol, he knew exactly that most of these paintings are of him or about him.
It's not like he recognizes himself because that's not what Taehyung paints. He's more the abstract kind of guy. Sticking to colors and shapes, rarely using something that actually looks like it comes straight out of reality. Maybe a hand here, an eye there and sometimes shadows, silhouettes. But Yoongi could read those abstract paintings, read the emotion in them and he couldn't stay silent.
Even not when Taehyung looks at him in shock, mouth falling open without a single noise coming out of it.
"Your other bathroom was blocked – I'm pretty sure Jin and Hoseok did something nasty in there – so I thought I'd just use the one in your bedroom because I really needed to pee, that's why I saw them," Yoongi explains quietly.
The younger just nods, not really reacting in any other way and Yoongi couldn't shut his own mouth.
"You should exhibit them."
Maybe it's supposed to be a laugh but the sound coming from Taehyung's lips is nothing more than a breath. "I just paint for fun – I'm nowhere near good enough to be exhibited in a gallery," He says, eyes cast to the floor. If it wasn't so dark, Yoongi is sure he would see the other's cheeks tinted in red.
"I think you are," He whispers, "Your paintings – they're filled with so many emotions that even I, someone who doesn't know shit about art, got moved by them."
"Stop it, hyung," Taehyung giggles slightly, a little bit drunk. And maybe if they weren't drunk their faces wouldn't end up being this close. And maybe Yoongi wouldn't have done the next thing but they're drunk and Yoongi is an idiot.
"I'm serious." And it's probably the alcohol simmering under his skin but Yoongi leans forward, closing these last few inches between them. His hands grab Taehyung's cheeks, forcing him forward and their foreheads knock together. He could smell the fruity soju in Taehyung's breath, could feel it ghosting over his lips. "You shouldn't doubt your own talent. Let Kook or Jimin look at them – they'll both tell you the same... I'm serious. You're so talented."
"Hyung," Taehyung breathes and it tickles Yoongi's lips. And suddenly not a single word would come out of his mouth.
They stay like that, just staring at each other. Their foreheads are still touching, Yoongi's hand still on the other's cheeks, holding him in place but Taehyung also doesn't make a move to pull back. His eyes dart towards the other's lips more than once. Those pretty lips tinted red from all the wine he's been drinking this evening. And Taehyung is no better than him. Yoongi is almost about to do it.
It's not much.
He could basically taste the other's breath already – fruity soju but then something in his stomach rumbles and he breaks away, sprinting towards the bathroom to throw up. The moment is broken just like that. Easily. But Yoongi is thankful, so thankful because he knew a second longer and he would have risked everything between them.
While he's leaning on the toilet seat, the taste of bile on his tongue and suddenly so much more tired and dizzy he could feel Taehyung settling down next to him. The younger's hand cards through his hair as he offers Yoongi a glass of water.
They don't talk about it the next morning.
-o-
And then Yoongi has a panic attack.
It's by far not the first one since Taehyung isn't the one helping him through them anymore. But it's the most violent one so far.
Yoongi doesn't even have an idea of what might have triggered it. Because it most definitely wasn't the fact that the printer ran out of ink but that has been the last straw. When his papers didn't come out the way they were supposed to Yoongi just lost it.
He lost it and he's never really had a panic attack at work. Only one time. A single time and it has been fucking Taehyung finding him crying on his desk. That was the only time he let himself be overwhelmed by his emotions at work. Because he's a professional. A professional but this time he couldn't hold himself anymore.
It wasn't the printer that made him lose it. Maybe it was the stress of the important deadline for the report he wanted to print? Or the pressure of some of the investors after Hoseok took over and they still wouldn't completely trust him because he's still so young? The pressure that automatically affects him too? Maybe it was because since their break up over half a year ago Yoongi has been so busy with pretending to not still be in love with Taehyung that he forgot about his mental health and now it comes back with full force?
Whatever it is, Yoongi doesn't care because right now he's locked in one of the bathroom stalls on the third floor. Praying to whatever deity might be up there that no one would come inside of here right now.
His breath comes out short, rough and he sits on the cold, uncomfortable tiles. The toilet digs into his back but Yoongi couldn't even focus on that right now. Not when he needed to concentrate on each breath he violently draws in after the sobs that shake his whole body by force. Tears stream down his face and he knows he's loud, he knows he's almost yelling as if he's in pain but he couldn't do anything to stop it.
His whole body is trembling, his mind spinning out of control as he bores his fingernails deep into his thighs. Trying to hold onto that pain, trying to use it to calm down again but nothing works. He's going to hyperventilate – he's going to choke to death on his own sobs in the shitty bathroom at work and nothing could help him –
"Hey..."
It's a voice. Soft, melodic but strong at the same time. And Yoongi freezes, for a second he even forgets to breathe. His eyes stay on the locked door, he could see someone standing in the middle of the room, their feet visible from under the door.
It's quiet. Quiet apart from Yoongi's choked sobs that he tries so hard to suppress.
"Hoseok called me because he couldn't get you to open the door for him." It's Taehyung's voice, speaking so calmly to him – as if this is a normal conversation. A few seconds later Yoongi finally registers the other's words.
Hoseoks was here? Yoongi doesn't remember it, doesn't think he noticed the other being here. He's sure no one has been inside here since he fled from the printer. The mere prospect of someone else than Taehyung witnessing him in this kind of situation makes his panic worse.
It's not the fact that it's Taehyung witnessing this – it's the fact that he's used to the other's presence during these moments by now. At first, he also hated Taehyung being there too. During moments of weakness, of vulnerability, no one really likes being watched, observed. Not during those private moments and for Yoongi it's even worse than for other persons. Losing control in front of others is one of the worst feelings Yoongi has to endure.
"Can you open the door for me?"
He stays quiet, drawing his knees to his chest. Taehyung knocks on the door, knocks a few more times but Yoongi still doesn't answer. Only curls in on himself further, burying his face in his knees while hot tears stream down his cheeks again.
Taehyung doesn't leave, doesn't give up. But he stops knocking.
"Open the door," The younger says and suddenly his voice isn't soft anymore. It's strong, demanding. His words cut through the haze in Yoongi's mind easily and it's so familiar. His tone, the sound of his voice – even the words he uses and Yoongi knows that he could easily slip right now. Slip back into a place that could be very dangerous. "I'm not going to repeat myself a third time, Yoongi."
He's warning him now and a small whimper escapes Yoongi's lips as he holds his legs tighter. But he doesn't move yet.
"Yoongi." His tone is threating, strong and there's not a fiber in Yoongi's being that would want to act against what the younger demands of him. He doesn't have the mental capacity to think about the reason why at the moment but he knows that he couldn't say no. Couldn't disobey Taehyung's words.
Maybe it's the small part of himself that easily began slipping into subspace the moment Taehyung started talking to him like this. That small part that gets even more vulnerable when he's panicking.
He doesn't get off the floor but he shuffles over the tiles on his knees, reaches up and unlocks the door. Nothing more. Taehyung opens comes inside carefully, gently as he steps inside of the small space.
"That wasn't so hard now, was it?" He asks softly. Yoongi couldn't even look up at him but hears the door closing again. It's just the two of them, just the two of them in this small space and it's suffocating – in a good way. He finally glances up, looks at the younger.
Everything hurts. His body, his mind, his soul, his heart – everything hurts. It hurts and Yoongi just wants it all to stop. He wants everything to be over already and he knows that Taehyung would be able to give him that. He would be able to make it stop – just like he used to. Maybe not in the same way but he would still be able to do it, to help him.
"Do you want me here?"
Yoongi couldn't speak, couldn't make a single sound as he stares up at Taehyung who's still towering over him. Still standing while Yoongi is sitting on the floor, toilet seat digging into his back.
"I will leave if I don't have your consent to be here," The younger says firmly, already reaching behind him to open the door again.
It's a small movement but it makes Yoongi panic again. He almost gets dizzy from how fast he's getting up from the floor, holding onto Taehyung's arm tightly. His bottom lip trembles violently and a few more tears spill down his cheeks. "Just this time," He whispers, "I need you just this time. Please stay – don't leave me."
"I'm here," Taehyung soothes him immediately, pulling him close. Yoongi's sobs get silenced against Taehyung's chest, the younger's arms wrapping around his middle tightly. The pressure he applies to him is so deliciously good that Yoongi couldn't help but cry harder. "I'm here."
It's not the same as being tied up. It's not remotely the same but it's enough for him to slowly, very slowly start breathing normally again. Taehyung gently maneuvers them in the small stall, sitting down on the toilet seat and pulling Yoongi in his lap.
It's impossible for the elder to move in his hold and it helps him. Slowly, very slowly he's calming down again. And when he could think a little more clearly, he knows that for now, he couldn't survive without Taehyung by his side. Even as nothing more than his friend.
But for the first time in months, Yoongi questions if they ever were 'just friends' or if they just pretended to be.
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