3
"What do you say?" Yoongi asked. They were in the bathroom. Yoongi was still toweling his freshly dyed hair while Taehyung stood in front of the mirror to stare at his own. His eyes were wide in awe and he kept turning and shaking his head to look at his fringes from every possible direction.
"It's super cool!" He exclaimed, eyes still locked on the strands of green hair, they were just highlights in his brown hair but he loved it. Yoongi smiled softly, his own hair no longer blondish but mint green.
It was dark outside already, both of them had a hot shower, a new hair color and were now sitting on the floor of Yoongi's room. Holly had his head resting on Taehyung's thigh, the younger was stroking his fluffy fur, he was dressed in Yoongi's clothes – his own were still wet from playing in the snow. And even if Taehyung could have gone over to his own house to get clothes; this was a sight Yoongi would burn into his mind.
The sleeves of the biggest sweatshirt he could find were still stopping short at Taehyung's wrist, exposing the bracelet-less arms - Yoongi could see the beginning of a scar, an old one, almost healed - the sweatpants hung low on his hips, clinging sinfully tight to his butt and thighs, they only reached half of his calves but Taehyung's feet were cozily tugged into the fluffiest socks Yoongi could find. To sum it up, Taehyung was beautiful. Even though he looked ridiculous in the too small clothes, hair messily and still a little wet plastered all over his head, dark bags under his eyes but a huge ass bright smile on his lips. Beautiful.
Yoongi couldn't fight the blush that was creeping up his neck everytime he looked at the other. Taehyung was taller and broader than him, of course the clothes would be too small. Taehyung was total oblivious to the effect he had on Yoongi, it was crazy, he knew the guy for such a short time and he never felt so much for anyone. To be honest, he haven't felt anything strong in a long time. But Taehyung, Taehyung made him feel so much and sometimes it completely overhelmed him. Okay, not sometimes, it overhelmed him most of the time. He just wasn't used to liking someone, wasn't used to feelings other than emptiness. Of course it would overhelm him.
Like right now. Taehyungs hair was falling into his eyes, it was still slightly damp from the hot shower, his cheeks were red, brown eyes sparkling, he had his long fingers wrapped around a cup of steaming hot chocolate. He was smiling at Yoongi over the rim of his cup. "You're cute." Yoongi whispered and immediately slammed his hand over his mouth, eyes wide. He did not just say that.
Taehyung was coughing, choking on his hot chocolate and his face was completely red, eyes already getting teary. "...uhm," he said, gaze moving around and avoiding Yoongi. "T-Thanks I uhm... I guess?"
Both of them were overall red by now. The awkward silence between them stretched and the only sound that could be heard was the soft breathing and occasional hum Holly gave. "So..." Yoongi said, just to break the silence. His voice cut through the tense air like a knife, startling both of them back to life. "Wanna watch a movie?"
"Netflix and chill? Shouldn't you buy me dinner first or something?"Taehyung said jokingly and wiggled his eyebrows. Yoongi broke out laughing, slapping his knees, while Taehyung was practically exploding into a blush - Yoongi couldn't believe that it was even possible for him to get any redder. "Ah! I- I mean – that was a joke! I'm sorry, I don't know why I even said that!" He was grabbing Yoongi's shoulders, trying to get him to look up again. "Please stop laughing... Yoongi!" He whined. "Stop laughing, it's not that funny."
The mint haired boy was slowly catching his breath again, pretending to wipe tears from his eyes, he stood up. "You are really cute." This time he said it with confidence and his face wasn't blooming red, only his heart seemed to beat out of his chest, stomach dropping in fear of rejection. "Now come and choose a movie." Taehyung whined a little more but followed Yoongi to lie on the bed in front of the laptop.
They ended up watching Love Actually, a request from Taehyung. He claimed that it was a tradition in his family to watch this movie before christmas but they hadn't done it yet. Yoongi wasn't too interested in the movie, but the thought that Taehyung wanted to do a family traditon with him made him so stupidly giddily. The only interesting thing was observing Taehyung. The younger watched intensely, his eyes lit up whenever he found anything cute or funny in the movie, he didn't notice Yoongi's staring at all and that was something the older appreciated. Appreciated very much.
So what if he liked Taehyung, what was so bad about it? Yoongi never caught any heavy feelings. Yeah, he did have a few crushes, on boys and girls but he never felt the way he felt with Taehyung. The feeling of flying and falling at the same time, the nervousness but at the same time the easiness he experienced when he was around him. The butterflies that seemed to be going to war inside of his stomach made him feel like he might vomit any moment. The warmth that spread through his chest, the tingles he felt everytime that Taehyung touched him or even when they just accidentally brushed against each other. He couldn't get the bruenette out of his mind and he didn't want to, even if his almost all the time rapidly beating heart couldn't be that good for him. So, he liked Kim Taehyung, nothing to deny here. But Yoongi was still a coward because confessing his feelings was a no-no. Never in a million years. He would just silently watch the younger from the sidelines, like he always did to everything he liked. Even though it was tearing him apart - bit by bit.
The movie ended with Taehyung shedding a few tears but with a bright smile on his lips. "I don't wanna leave." He mumbled, face pressed into Yoongi's pillow.
"Then stay." Yoongi said nonchalantly. I want you to stay. Don't leave.
Taehyung shyly raised his head to look in Yoongi's general direction, not in his eyes though. "Really?" His voice sounded hopeful. "Yeah. 'course." Yoongi stated and the younger broke out into a huge grin once again.
Yoongi insisted that they would share the bed because he couldn't have Taehyung sleeping on the floor and he himself would never give up the comfort of his own bed. So, here they were. Impossibly close in Yoongi's bed, under the covers and in almost complete darkness. Only the small chain of light Yoongi's mother had put up in his room because 'sweetie it's christmas' was giving a low shine. They were both on their backs and looked at the dark ceiling. It had been a long time since they last spoke a word but it wasn't an awkward silence, it was comfortable.
"Do you still want to die?"
Taehyung broke the silence, voice tearing through the air and making Yoongi stop breathing for a second. The younger was tensed next to him, he could feel it. He swallowed. "Why do you ask?"
"Because I'm happy when I'm with you. I'm really happy, I can't really explain it but...I like being with you, I like you and I don't want you to leave..." his voice was small, barely above a whisper and Yoongi held his breath while the other talked, afraid that the smallest sound would be too loud to understand Taehyung. His heart was beating like crazy. "...You like me?" He finally whispered, unable to supress the small sliver of hope inside of him.
"Yoongi," Taehyung said with a stronger voice. "Of course I do. I wouldn't be here if I didn't like you, right? We don't know each other for that long but you're still my closest friend, right now." He giggled. "It's been so long since I've been happy. I just don't want you to leave..."
His hope was shattered in a second. Of course Taehyung only liked him as a friend, as someone who made him happy. But Yoongi already knew that, right? He never expected that the younger would return his feelings so it shouldn't hurt this much, right?
"I never want to leave y-"
"But I saw you today!" Taehyung was sitting up now, hugging his knees to his chest. "I saw you with your mother on the street. The car that almost hit you... I was there and - and then you were yelling at the driver... At first I thought it was because you almost got hit, I mean everyone would be angry about that but that wasn't the thing that made you mad... You yelled at him because he didn't hit you... Your mother had to pull you away and you just wouldn't stop screaming how incompetent someone could be and that asking to die is a simple request but it still doesn't work out for you...I'm afraid that you'll just - just diasappear suddenly. That you just... die. For real."
Yoongi swallowed. His heart was beating fast again but for a different reason. Because he felt scared, vulnerable and embarrassed. He knew what Taehyung meant, the car incident right after he and his mother finished shopping for christmas presents. He had just been feeling so bad without seeing Taehyung, just like the first three weeks back. For a moment he had wished that the fucking car driver would have at least done it all, hit him and get him killed but thinking back now and looking at Taehyung's face - he suddenly felt guilty. Guilty because for a moment he had forgotten about how much the younger needed him and how much Yoongi needed the other too. For a moment he had slipped back into his old mindset. "I... You shouldn't have seen that..." He took a deep breath. "It's not easy getting rid of suicidal thoughts when you have them. And I still wish to die when I have a bad day. Of course I have more than one bad day. I'm still depressed, Taehyung, but I'm better than I once was. This incident doesn't mean that I want to leave you... because I like you a lot. You also make me very happy, with a smile you can completely change my mood, I'm still trying to figure out how you do it." It's because I like you a little too much. "I can't promise you to never leave but right now I can promise you that I don't want to leave you."
"I guess, I...I take what I get." Taehyung shrugged but he wasn't satisfied. Of course he wasn't. "... you know," he said, taking a deep breath. "Being around you is really helping me..." He shuffled closer to Yoongi, reaching over him and turning on the light on his bedside table. "It's been a week since I've done it the last time." Yoongi knew what he meant without having it explained, but Taehyung pulled his sleeves up despite that. The skin of his forearms was exposed, no bracelets to cover the cuts, the scars. The younger looked uneasy, face pulled in a grimace and his fingers twitched with the urge to pull his sleeves down again but his eyes shined with determination and trust. He trusted Yoongi to not judge him, he trusted him with one of the things he had never showed anybody else. Yoongi felt his chest swell with pride.
And he knew how hard it must have been for the younger to take that big of a step. His whole forearms were covered in the red lines, some already turning white and almost fading away while others looked fresher, barely starting to heal. Carefully Yoongi took his wrists in his own hands and slowly pulled them towards his face, searching Taehyung's expression for any sign of discomfort. There wasn't any, not some that were cause by Yoongi's doing at least. He closed his eyes and planted butterfly kisses on the cuts, for a moment he felt how Taehyung tensed but the younger relaxed again, his arms shaking a little and when Yoongi opened his eyes again, Taehyung was silently crying.
"It's gonna get better..." Yoongi whispered, now taking Taehyung's face in his hands and wiping his tears away with his thumbs. "Just don't give up, come talk to me..." He leant forwards and kissed Taehyung on the forehead, still faintly smelling the hair dye over the shampoo. When he pulled back Taehyung's cheeks were painted red and he was avoiding looking at Yoongi again, he was embarrassed. "You too." He said. "You can come talk to me too. Please... come talk to me before you run in front of a car again."
"I didn't purpos-"
"I know. Just...come to me too." He smiled sweetly and Yoongi's heart was now definitely trying to break through his ribcage, he swore that his face must have looked like a tomato and it was a mystery how he was still able to breath like a normal human being. "Okay!" He said a little louder, voice higher than normal. "This is getting to emotional for me! Let's talk about you again!"
Taehyung chuckled and damnit, if it wasn't the cutest sound Yoongi ever heard. "Okay," he agreed, looking expectedly at the older. "What do you wanna know?"
Before Yoongi could really think about his words he just blurted them out. So much for being tactful and waiting for Taehyung to open up on his own accord and in his pace. "What is wrong with you? I mean, I know the social phobia part -similar to me - I know about the cutting, you have depression too, right? But like, uhm, your skin? What's wrong with that? Or the eating? I noticed that you, well, aren't eating like a," here he rolled his eyes, making quotes with his fingers. "'normal' person."
Taehyung looked taken aback and Yoongi had the apology already sitting on his tongue when the younger smiled at him again, a smaller smile but a smile. "Well, you're right about the depression part, if you believe my old psychiatrist and the internet. Uhm, the skin. Atopic dermatits, it's an uh inflammation of the skin which just results in really itchy, red, swollen and cracked skin. It's not very comfortable, when I was a kid I had it everywhere, now I manage but it gets worse in winter and even worse when I'm stressed which is... well, constantly. So right now it's pretty bad, I have it here on my neck," he showed the affected area again. "And it goes all the way up and on my head, that's why I'm losing so much hair. It's really painful when I'm showering because the wounds on my body and my head are open and extremely sensitive. It's not easy." He said the last part with a shrug and told everything in a voice that should supposedly sound like it wasn't that big of a deal but Yoongi saw right through him. It must have been pretty hard living under this condition since birth, he couldn't even imagine it.
"I have these scars on my arms and my legs," he pulled his pants up a little and exposed them, big areas of his skin were just white, not tan like the rest of his legs. "I used to scratch so much there that I've created scars wih my own fingernails. That's also one of the reasons why I don't really like wearing short things. I then have to explain to people why I have these white spots and so many wounds. Or people just look at me weirdly. Now, I'm kind of used to it. I mean I was born with it, there aren't any pictures of me from right after I was born because I had an open wound over my whole left cheek. People would come up to my mother and wanted to look into her buggy to see the baby and they were all happy and smiles until they saw me. Then they were just full of pity, for me? For my parents? Who knows? I got never called cute as a baby, or as a child. Always pitied for the many wounds, always treated a little different."
Yoongi could do nothing but watch as the words kept tumbling out of Taehyung's mouth. "I could never enjoy anything. We went on vacation and I can't go swimming in the sea like everybody else because the salt hurts too much. I always ruin the fun for the other's because I can' t stay in the water for too long and I have to wash my whole body off of the salt after I'm out. I'm pretty sure they're always annoyed with me..."
He sighed. His lips were trembling and his hands were gripping the sheets tightly, Yoongi wanted nothing more than to reach out to him and engulf him in a big hug but he didn't dare to do it. "But you know, I could have handled that but no, obvioulsy that's not enough to make my life hard. Of course not." He was looking down now, voice sounding a little choked. Like he was trying hard not to cry again.
"I also stopped eating when I was little. I don't know why but it put another burden on me, on everyone around me. Everyone's always telling me to not be so picky but you know what?! It's not that easy!" He was getting angry now, almost yelling and it seemed that he forgot that he was talking to someone because he just started rantig what came to his mind. It looked like finally letting it all out was a huge relief for him. "For me, it's not like I don't want to eat or something. I can't! I can't eat a food if I don't like how it smells, how it tastes, what it looks like or what it feels like in my mouth. And almost everything has one of these critical points, I can't do anything against it. I can't force it. Already tried. When I was a kid my mother would sit with me everytime we ate and she tried everything with me, from promising me treats to forcing me to swallow the food. But if I didn't like it I would just throw it up again. We went to tons of therapists because of that but in the end every single one gave up on me. And my mother did too. She let me eat one whole year pancakes, everyday and to every meal because one therapist said she should let me, that I would get tired of it, but I didn't."
He was breathing heavily and tears that were pooled in his eyes were now starting to fall on his cheeks. "I fainted a lot in elementary school because I wasn't eating the whole day, I couldn't eat the food they had there in the canteen. I cant go out with friends to eat, that's also another reason why I almost never visited my friends because I'm uncomfortable explaining my weird behaviour. Like, can you imagine how uncomfortable it is to explain that you like almost nothing? Like, everyone has at least one thing they don't like and I, I can count the things I like on two hands. And the weird habits, I need my food to be seperated on my plate, it can't touch each other, if it does I can't eat it. I have different forks for everything. Yet another reason why it's always been difficult to eat at restaurants and such because they would keep messing up my order, not like I order for myself, no, I'm too scared so my mother has to do that for me. I'm always so scared, when me and my siblings were little, I often felt like they were my older siblings not the other way around. They did a lot for me, a lot of things that I was too scared to do alone or at all. I'm such a bad big brother..."
He was scratching at his neck again but he did it absently like he didn't even notice he was doing it. The skin turned redder and redder under his persistent fingernails. "And my mother, I'm not a good son. I keep causing so many problems and you know I don't want to burden her with more. So now I don't even try to tell her yet another thing that is wrong with me. She has to worry so much about me and I just can't put her through more than this, even this is too much. I'm often so afraid that she'll just end up like she did when I was younger. What was I? Around nine years old I guess. I don't remember much but there's one image that is still burned into my mind. Around that time she lost her job and I think everything became too much and she just couldn't function anymore. I remember seeing her on our sofa everyday, every minute she would just lie there, not talking, barely eating and sleeping the day away."
He had to take yet another deep breath before he was able to continue. All the while Yoongi was close to tears too, he normally wasn't one to worry much about the life of other's, he hated pitying people because he hated getting pity himself. But this was Taehyun, Taehyung who always seemed so happy and had it so bad. "Around that time my grandma kind of moved in with us, she would make us something to eat, play with my siblings and do the chores around the house. I don't really remember seeing my father back then but I think he just took even more hours at work. I couldn't understand why my mother was being like this, I was just a child and I thought maybe we did something to upset her. But nobody ever talked to us about it and then one day she just stood up again and found herself a job, she was back, just like that. I know that she still suffers from depression, she hides it very well - I guess acting's in the family - but it's hard for her too. That's why I don't want to make her life any harder than it already is, she's already putting up with so much, especially from me."
He stopped talking for a moment. The only sound in the quiet room was their breathing, Taehyung's a little heavier than Yoongi's. The younger was looking down again, tears dripping on the blankets. Hesitantly, Yoongi began reaching out for him, hand already hovering above his head when Taehyung decided to speak again.Yoongi froze like that, fingertips barely grazing the younger's hair.
"But sometimes she makes me so mad! So fucking mad! But I never really fought with her. I can't – with no one – I'm always backing down, I hate conflicts and I can't defend myself, my opinion, I can't just say I want this or I don't want this. And sometimes she says things – I know she doesn't mean to make me angry but she does – these things hurt me. Like, she often makes light jokes about how I eat 'nothing' and yeah, like, I don't think that's funny! It hurts! Or she says, yeah, you won't eat anything so what's the point in making a meal at all. And I get so mad but I just keep it all to myself because fuck! Shit, I'm trying, okay?! I'm doing my best and I don't need her freaking opinion if she doesn't understand how fucking hard it is for me, too! It's not funny and I don't choose to not eat, I just can't! So what, I eat a lot of sweets because I get hungry and these are one of the few things I actually like yeah it's not healthy, I know that. But she told me that she would have to roll me around soon because I'm going to get really really fat and it just hurt. Hurt so much but I couldn't say anything. And wow, yeah, I know I'm gaining weight, like, I'm not blind. I do look in the mirror and I can't remember the last time I liked what I see. I eat less and less and I'm even losing the appetite for things that I used to like. I'm completely losing my appetite, like thinking about eating makes me sick. Thinking about sitting down at the table with my family and having any meal makes me anxious because eating has always been pure stress. Eating for me is torture. If I could I would eat nothing. I just wish it would be easy for me, that I wouldn't associate eating with something bad. And I wish that she would stop making fun about it. "
He was angrily wiping at his tears. "And my siblings, too. They all make fun of the things they don't understand about me. I know they love me and I know they mean no harm, that they don't want to hurt me but they still do... Like they mock me when we go grocery shopping or something saying 'Oh, let Taehyung go and ask for this' and then we would all laugh because there's no way I would go to a cashier and ask for something. And I hate that but I can't say it. I can't say so much. It took me weeks to finally tell my mother that I wasn't really able to endure the sounds of eating. Like, chewing and there is no one in our family that chews obnoxiously loud or something, everything's normal and I still hear it and still feel the urge to just ram a fork in my ears to escape the sounds. I feel like all I am is a burden and there are mornings that I wake up and I just don't see a reason to get up, like ever. And then I think about what would change if I would be dead, because from my point of view everything would become better. Better for my mother, better for my father, better for my siblings and especially better for me... but now I wake up and I think about visiting you and I can't get out of bed fast enough. You really help me a lot, Yoongi..."
"Fuck it..." the older whispered, he leant over and pulled Taehyung in his arms. The younger tensed for the fraction of a second before he relaxed into the hold of the older and began nuzzling his neck, starting to sob freely now. Not caring about anything, just crying freely without a care in the world. Yoongi would deny every tear that rolled over his own cheek, his heart was clenching painfully, chest feeling too tight to breathe properly. Taehyung didn't deserve any of this. Nobody deserved anything bad happening to them but unfortunately the world wasn't fair. So, it was even more important that you never give up because once you've hit rock bottom it goes up. Yoongi knew that. He had been there, been half dead already and now here he was. Better than before and he would work hard to keep on getting better and maybe he was able to pull Taehyung along. He wanted nothing more than for the younger to always smile that boxy smile of his.
Yoongi turned off the lights again and they lied down, facing each other. And despite Taehyung being the taller one, he was draped over Yoongi, wrapped around him like a koala. Their faces were so so close, Yoongi could feel the others breath on his lips, he just had to tilt his head a little forwards and –
In the end, he didn't had to do anything. Taehyung did all of it on his own. In the blink of an eye the younger had his lips pressed against Yoongi's but before he could do anything but staring wide eyed at Taehyung's face, the feeling of plush lips was gone. He was stupidly blinking at Taehyung whose face was suddenly bright red. "I'm sorry!" He groaned and before Yoongi could mutter Don't be, Taehyung was already talking again. "I really don't know why I just did that, it was a mistake. I mean, I like guys and you are cute but I – I'm sorry! Don't worry, I don't like you like that!"
"I know." Yoongi said like it was normal. Now I know, he thought bitterly. "Don't worry about it." He said, faking a small smile but he was choking back tears. A mistake. Blaming the minutes when Taehyung had told him his story for the wetness in his eyes but he knew that that wasn't the reason.
This wasn't supposed to hurt so bad. Taehyung smiled relieved at him and Yoongi felt like someone had just ripped his heart out of his chest, leaving nothing but a gaping hole. A feeling of emptiness, sadness... desperation washed over him. It hurt. The area where his heart was once beating was now hollow. He quickly covered his face with his blanket because he couldn't trust his expression to stay as unaffected as he wanted it to be. "Okay," Taehyung breathed. "Good. Really, just a spur of the moment thing I guess?" He chuckled and Yoongi died a little more. "Ah, sorry for getting your shirt all wet and snotty. I must really look horrible like now."
"You don't." The words were out of his mouth before he could think. Taehyung looked surprised at him and Yoongi looked as surprised right back. He took a good look at Taehyung's face. His eyes were red, swollen, still wet, there were tear stains all over his slightly red cheeks. His nose was running, lip looking like he had constantly chewed on it, hair sticking up in every direction. He was an ugly crier and despite that he looked beautiful in Yoongi's eyes. "You're beautiful Taehyung."
"Hyung..." he whispered. "Thank you... really, thank you so much for everything. I love you, you know." Not like I love you, Yoongi thought bitterly. Because this was so damn unfair. How can Taehyung say such things with the most sincere and fond voice but without any romantic emotions behind it? So fucking unfair.
He never expected anything to come from his crush on Taehyung but knowing that was a whole different story. Now he could just be content with the fact that he was the closest person to Taehyung. Even though breathing right next to him, having him so close but still not having him like he wanted him, felt like he was constantly swallowing glass. It sliced up his insides and would sooner or later lead to his complete destruction.
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