Kabanata 10
Kabanata 10 (New Version)
Opening yourself and heart to someone is scary. Once you opened the door and let them in, it's either they would empower you or find your weakness and greatest fear to destroy you.
Letting anyone in and showing them your vulnerable side is like stripping yourself bare, letting them see you naked. Letting them see every flaw you had leaving you only praying they won't use it against you.
To show your weakness to someone's the same thing as showing them your scars. Am I up for it? Am I ready?
I'm occasionally dreaming of that certain horrible dream but I never expected having it the same night I opened a part of me to someone and I hated to admit but it scared the hell out of me.
Why the hell did I let my guard down? Am I getting crazy? Maybe this province lured me into peace that never existed. I was naïve.
Mas lalong hindi pa gumanda ang mood ko nang umagang-umaga ay tumatawag na sa group chat ang mga kaibigang naiwan ko sa Maynila. For days, I rarely answer them for my peace of mind and silence but they messaged me, asking if I'm avoiding them.
Kinuha ang phone at binuksan ang group chat namin nina Leah at Mila na punong-puno ng tsismis at pang-aasar sa pag-ayaw ko sa dare nitong una.
Mas kumunot ang noo ko sa mga nabasang pang-aasar.
Mila: Come on, Sib! You've really fallen for him, huh?
Leah: I bet!
Sibyl: The hell, of course not! Not my taste! Ayoko lang. That's so childish and we weren't kids.
Mila: Okay! Okay lang 'yan, naiintindihan naming ayaw mo kasi nga gusto mo talaga siya.
Sibyl: I said no!
Leah: Oo ka na kasi, KJ mo naman! Mila and I are really convinced now, you fancy him!
Mila: If she said no, then it's true. She likes that probinsiyano! Tignan mo!
Sibyl: I said no! Why would I even waste my time with this? This is nonsense.
Mila: Woah! Chill there, Sib! Haha! I understand, well, sino ba namang gustong magmukhang loser? Tatanggi ka na lang s'yempre.
"What the fuck..." I cursed under my breath, my lips pursing in annoyance.
Leah: Opps! 🤣🤣🤣
Hindi na ako sumagot doon dahil nakakairita pero ngayong ganito ang nararamdaman ay parang sasabog ang utak ko at dali-dali ako nagtipa ng reply.
Sibyl: Okay, okay! I told you I am not but to stop you two from bickering then I'm in. Let's bet.
Wala ako sa mood umagang-umaga pa lang.
"Good morning, señorita!" maligaya at buhay na buhay na bati sa akin ni Mary.
I just stared at her.
"May breakfast na po, nagluto si Sol kanina," aniya sabay turo sa kitchen.
Pagbaba ko pa lang ay amoy na amoy na ang pagkain pero iniiwas ko ang tingin sa kanya at nagkibit-balikat.
"No thanks. I'm not hungry." Malamig kong sabi sabay lakad paalis pero humabol siya kaagad.
"Señorita? Hala, kumain po kayo. Bilin din nila Sir Jer na h'wag kang pagutuman. Atsaka nagluto po si Sol—"
"I said no, why are you so loud?" I snapped. Her mouth parted. "If you wanted to eat because sayang then eat! Ayokong paulit-ulit at hindi ako bingi."
"A-Ah... sorry po..." lumunok siya't nagbaba ng tingin.
Kumunot ang noo ko, hindi alam kung bakit pero humapdi ang dibdib. I shrugged it off.
I should feel nothing. Feeling any such thing such as hurting is a sign of weakness. I'm not weak. I'm not a loser.
"Nasaan si Solomon?"
"Nasa labas po kanina nagdidilig," ang kaba ay halata pa rin sa kanyang boses. "Ang sabi po niya tawagin na lang daw siya pagkatapos mo kumain para pupunta na kayong palengke."
"Call him, we're going," malamig kong sabi bago naglakad paupo sa sofa at kinalikot ang phone.
The signal's a mess again, as usual. Mas nakakairita at nakakabagot ang ganito, kung wala lang akong baong libro at hindi open ang library nina Mama baka namatay na ako sa boredom.
I muted our group chat, annoyed with their teasing. I scrolled a few more, frowning when the articles are just plain white. I can see nothing but the words and free data.
"To hell with this signal," iritang bulong ko at nag-swipe pa, natitigilan sa nakita.
Hot News! Teresa and James finally admitted they're dating!
I puffed a loud and annoyed breath when I saw the headline and not just that. Maybe the signal's messing with me. Ayaw mag-load ng photos pero ngayon dito ay mayro'n! I frowned, looking at the picture she has with him and it made me almost puke in disgust.
Proud na proud ang gaga. Akala mo naman ay mga santo kung makapagsalita sa interview! Mahinhin ba kamo? And this fucking asshole, it made me question bakit ko nga pinatulan ang gagong 'to?
Oh, for my career!
"Señorita, nag-aantay na po ro'n si Sol." Ani Mary pagkapasok.
Tumayo na ako. I decided to take a quick self-check in the bathroom's mirror, putting on a lip tint to give color to my plump lips before going out.
Wala sa plano ko ngayong makipag-asaran kay Solomon at iritado ako sa paligid ko pero mas nairita lang ako't nagalit nang makita ang kausap niya umagang-umaga pa lang.
Seryoso siyang nakatayo sa gilid ng motor habang hawak ang helmet kong sinusuot. He's sporting his usual white shirt and checkered long sleeves with his maong. His hair is still wet from his bath, reason why it's neatly slicked back on his head.
Emma's in front of him and she's smiling sweetly. Kumuyom ang kamay ko at mas nairita nang mapansing ang dress na suot niya ay kagaya ng akin.
"Señorita, ayon si Sol, oh. Tawagin ko na ba—"
"No, tell him I got bored waiting for him to finish flirting with his girlfriend." Malamig kong sinabi. Namilog ang mata ni Mary.
"Ay, hindi po girlfriend—"
"Tell him I went to the palengke first, I'm bored. I don't wanna waste my time waiting for them." Before she could even say more, I turned my back on her.
Tumawag pa siya pero 'di ko na nilingon at dumiretso sa tinuro sa akin ni Liza na sakayang tricycle para mag-commute. I was pissed off the whole ride I didn't get to enjoy the view around. However, the fresh scent of leaves and moist could live rent free inside my head.
Ang fresh na amoy nga lang ay nawala kaagad pagdating ko sa palengke. Sticky smell, malangsa fishes and whatever lingered on my nose.
"How much is it?" I asked the driver while checking my small bag if I have some spare coins.
"Kinse lang," ani ng driver. My forehead creased as I looked for more coins.
"What's kinse?" I asked.
"Ah, libre na lang para sa 'yo, Miss." The man sitting behind the driver said. I tilted my head up, only to stop when I realize the asshole's face familiar. It was one of those assholes yesterday!
I felt the chills. The fear crept inside of me but I masked it with nothing but coldness.
Hindi ko siya pinansin, I saw a hundred peso on my wallet. I'm not sure what's kinse kaya I plan to give him a larger amount instead. I handed it to the driver who scratched his nape.
"Wala ka bang barya, Miss?" aniya at binalik sa akin ang pera, "unang byahe kasi at wala pa akong barya."
"Ako na magbabayad kay Miss Ganda," ani ng gago ulit. "Ako na, Miss, ah? Bayaran mo na lang ako ng ngiti mo." Sabay kindat niya at kuha ng wallet.
I shivered.
"I don't need your help," malamig kong sabi sabay pilit na hanap ng kung anong barya sa wallet.
"Arte," humalakhak siya, "wala naman bantay mo rito, ah? Tapos nagyayabang ka?"
"Romel..." sita ng driver.
"Bakit? Pati ba ikaw—"
"Pinasakay kita rito sa traysikel hindi para mambastos ng babae," ani ng driver. "Walang bastos sa Sta. Monica."
"Ano? Hindi naman ako bastos," ani ng lalaki, nakakatakot ang pula ng mata niya. "Sinasabi ko lang ay—"
"Umalis ka na bago ko pa sabihin kay Solomon ang ginawa mo." That addict Romel grimaced and shook his head, walking away.
My heart softened.
"Pasensya ka na sa kanya. Adik 'yon," sabay ngiti sa akin, "sige, hija, libre na lang..."
"No..." I shook my head and handed him the hundred pesos instead, "there's no free ride for hardworking people. Take this, maybe if I see you later, can I get a ride home instead?"
"Talaga ba? Ah, sige!" lumaki ang ngiti niya. "Salamat, hija! Ilang byahe na rin ang isang daan. Ano bang oras ang labas mo mamaya sa palengke?"
"Not sure po," I smiled a little. "But don't wait for me, kapag nasaktuhan na lang pong lumabas. Ayos lang."
"Salamat, hija. Sana maabutan kitang palabas kapag wala akong byahe, makulimlim ang panahon at maulan," mas lumambot ang ekspresyon niya. "Ang bait mo, napakabuting tao talaga ng mga Sandejas. Hulog kayo ng langit sa probinsyang 'to, sa tulong pa lang nina Sir at Ma'am Lena sa mga driver sobra na tapos mababait pa kayo't busilak ang kalooban..."
Ako? Mabait? Busilak ang kalooban?
Bitter taste spread on my mouth. I'm not like that, Kuya. My heart's a rooting flesh already, it's dark like my conscience. I did nothing but ruin our family, how could I have such heart of gold?
Nagpaalam na ako bago pa man makapagsabi ng kung ano. I walked towards the markert's entrance when I felt a grip on my arm.
"What the hell?!" malakas kong sigaw sa gulat nang makita 'yong adik na hinatak ako. "Let me go—"
"Ang yabang mo porket mayaman kayo! Akala n'yo ba pag-aari n'yo ang probinsyang 'to?!"
I was terrified. I pulled my arm again and he pulled me back.
"Akala mo ba—" his grip vanished and the next thing I saw was him on the ground.
Ang bilis ng pangyayari. Malakas akong napasigaw nang makitang nando'n na si Solomon at walang habang na pinagsusuntok ang mukha ng lalaki.
"Anong sinabi ko kapag hinawakan mo siya?!" he was enraged and I'd never seen him like this before.
"Bakit—"
"Tang ina mo, binalaan na kita!" everyone is in panic. They even tried calming Sol down but he won't stop.
"Solomon!" malakas kong sigaw, pilit na tinatawag siya pero wala siyang naririnig.
Every punch is solid. Dugong-dugo na ang mukha ng lalaki sa suntok ni Sol, pumipilit na lumaban at hindi man masyadong magawa ay nakakasuntok sa mukha nito.
Sol almost fell with the forceful fist meeting his cheek but he recovered in milliseconds, punching him back thrice the force he exerted for him.
I was stressed. I couldn't even find words to say to help him. The surge of people around was overwhelming my chest ached, suffocating. I touched my chest and took a step back, trying my best to find air.
"Awatin n'yo!" rinig kong tawag nila pero nanliliit ako sa siksikan. Tila may nakatakip sa ilong ko, hindi makagalaw hanggang sa natulak ako ng iilang nakikisilip sa komosyon.
"Solomon Aecen!" an old woman came and that voice stopped Solomon. Nakita ko pa sa tabi ng matanda si Fritz na yakap-yakap ang baboy, gulat.
"Nay!" Emma called hysterically, "Nay! Tulong! Ayaw paawat!"
"Kuya!" Fritz called.
"Solomon!" the old woman's voice thundered again, pulling him by his shirt.
I fell on the ground when I tripped. Ni hindi ko ininda ang sakit ng balakang at humawak kung saan, pilit na naghahanap ng mahahawakan para makatayo at makakuha ng hangin.
"Sibyl... Sibyl!" I felt hands touching my arm. It pulled me up from the ground, cupping my cheek. "Ayos ka lang?"
"Nash..." I breathed upon seeing him.
"Ayos ka lang? Bakit ka—" he was pushed aside, startling me upon seeing Solomon in front of me.
"A-Ayos ka lang, Sibyl?" he asked, cupping my cheek while staring intently at my eyes, his eyes gentle despite his bleeding lips. "Sorry... sorry, hindi kita naabutan. Sinaktan ka ba, hmm?"
His eyes fell on my body. Kumislap ang mata ko't naramdam ang pamamasa nito.
I couldn't breathe properly a moment earlier but right now... right now that he's in front of me, I don't know how and why but I felt so calm it hurts.
"Hinawakan ka ba?" he took both of my arms, his caress gentle. He checked my skin for bruises. "Sagutin mo ako." He demanded.
I remained staring at him, no words.
Is he real? Maybe I'm getting unattached to reality and daydreaming...
"Hey..." he called, "sagutin mo 'ko, ayos ka lang? Wala na siya, hindi ka na niya hahawakan..."
The gentleness on his voice lingered. His eyes are filled with worry while checking me, asking how was I. If I was hurt, more concern about my well-being than his. I parted my lips to answer but before I could, someone cut me off.
"Solomon!" Emma called. Solomon didn't look back, remained in locking his gazes with me.
"Hey, angel," humina ang boses niya. "Ayos ka lang? Sorry, hindi kita—"
"Anong ginagawa mo, Solomon?!" a loud and angry snap made me jump. When I glanced beside Emma, I saw the old woman again and her gaze's sharp.
Galit ang titig niya kay Sol at nang mapunta sa kamay ni Sol sa akin ang kanyang mata paakyat sa mukha ay mas nagwala ang puso ko.
"Ayos lang ako, Nanay," ani Sol sa matanda at kinagat ko ang labi.
His grandmother... damn it, Sibyl! He fought for you and his grandma saw it!
I detached myself from Solomon's grip. He was baffled at it.
"Sibyl?"
"I-I'm alright, don't mind me." Mahinang sabi ko at bumaling kay Nash na kaagad akong inabot palapit sa kanya.
"Tubig," ani Nash na humawak sa siko ko. "Tara muna, umupo ka."
Sol's eyes lingered on Nash's grip on my arm. Nagsalubong ang kilay niya sa umigting ang panga.
"Y-Yeah, excuse me," nagbaba ako ng tingin at walang imik na sumama kay Nash.
I sat on the chair he offered and thanked him for bringing me a bottle of water. Wala akong imik na uminom doon at nakita ang pagdating ng mga barangay tanod.
"Anong ginawa mo, Sol? Bakit ka nakikipagsutukan sa adik na 'yon?!" His grandma demanded but Sol shook his head, ni hindi siya nagpahila at nakipag-usap sa mga tanod.
"May mga sugat ka, Sol," ani Emma. "Gamutin muna natin 'yan, mamaya na—"
"Alam ko ang ginagawa ko, Emma," he sighed loudly. "Kakausapin ko lang sila."
"Ang sakit mo sa ulo, Solomon," umiling ang Lola niya at napahawak sa sentido.
"Nay..." Emma called, assisting her to sit while Sol's talking to the authorities despite his bleeding lips and bruised cheek.
"Ayos ka na, Sib?" Nash asked. I glanced at him, nodding.
"Yeah," I whispered. "Thanks, Nash."
"It's alright, mabuti nga at nakita kitang napapaupo na sa lapag. Muntik ka nang matapakan ng mga tao ro'n. Anong nangyari? Hinawakan ka ba?"
Tumango ako, "he pulled me... that's it."
"Baka kumuha sila ng witness statement," aniya, "sabihan kita mamaya kapag—"
"No, don't bother." Umiling ako at muling sumulyap sa komosyon sa paligid. "I'm alright, don't waste your time with it. I am just hoping that man would be jailed for drugs."
Look what you turned this peaceful marketplace into, Sibyl. You did nothing but cause ruckus.
Nalasahan o ang pait.
"Sibyl..."
"Ayos lang," maliit akong tumango sabay angat ng bote ng tubig ko. "Salamat dito, Nash. Punta ako kina Manang Letty, magkakaliskis lang ng isda."
He parted his mouth to say something but I turned my back and go to Manang Letty's place.
"Hija, ayos ka lang?" marahang inabot niya ako, "naku, pasensya ka na kay Romel! Matagal nang problema 'yan dito!"
"I'm fine po, thank you," matamlay kong sagot.
"Naku, maupo ka muna. Gusto mong tubig?"
"Hindi na po," umiling ako, "I went here to help with the isda. Can I?"
"Huh? Ah, sige," litong-lito pa siya pero itinuro ang mga balde. "Sigurado ka ba? Ayos lang naman kung hindi ka muna..."
"Thanks for the concern, Manang Letty, but I'm really good." I said in finality, didn't listen to her anymore and joined the group cleaning the fishes.
The smell made me frown but I am not in mood to talk about it. I just want this day done. I just want to vanish.
I focused into cleaning the fishes but I am hearing Sol's grandma scolding him. Kung hindi pa siya hinila ng Lola niya ay hindi pa papaawat.
"Ang kulit-kulit mo! Basagulero ka ba, huh? Ganyan ba kitang pinalaki?" she scolded Sol. Pasimple akong sumulyap at napaiwas nang masalubong ang tingin niyang malalim.
"Ayan nga ang sinasabi ko, Nay," ani Emma. "Ang kulit, p'wede namang mahinahon lang—"
"Hindi madadaan sa mahinahon si Romel, Emma." Sabat niya rin.
"Ano? Kailangang makipagbasag-ulo?" his grandma scolded him again, "tignan mo! Kasama ko pa ang kapatid mo! Huling-huli niya ang Kuya niyang hinahangaan nakikipag-basag ng mukha! Paano ka tutularan ng kapatid mo, ah?!"
I curiously glanced their way again and saw the quiet Fritz standing just in front of Sol, still hugging her biik still wearing its ribbon.
"Kita mo si Kuya, Fritz?" he asked, his eyes softening.
Fritz nodded.
"Kita mo?!" sinapok ng Nanay niya si Sol na umungol sabay hawak sa batok.
"Grabe naman, Nay! Kitang bugbog na nga ako hahampasin mo pa 'ko? Hindi ka ba naaawa sa akin? Saan na lang magiging proud ang pamilya natin kung pati ang kagwapuhan ko mawawala—aray! Aray!"
I smiled secretly when his Nanay pinched his waist and he ended up gasping. It reminded me of my family. Oh, I missed them. I wanna go home.
Muli akong nagbaba ng tingin at hinawi ang luha ko nang maramdaman ang pamamasa ng pisngi.
"H'wag mong gagayahin itong Kuya mo, Fritz. Pasaway! Ilang beses ko nang sinasabihang h'wag makikisali sa mga gulo pero nangunguna!"
"T-Tama..." Sol coughed, "h'wag mong gayahin si Kuya, Fritz. Bad 'yon—"
"Why bad po? Tulong naman po si Kuya kay Ate? Kasi bad guy po 'yong isa po tapos good boy po si Kuya Sol?" my heart pounded when I overheard it. Pasimple akong nanuod at nakita ang inosenteng pakurap-kurap na mata ni Fritz at mas niyakap lang ang biik habang nakanganga sa kanya ang mga matanda.
"A-Ah, kasi... kasi nakikisali siya sa away ng iba. Bad 'yon, Fritz," paliwanag ni Emma.
"Po? Sabi po ni teacher ko po kapag need po ng help po ng kapwa mo tulong ikaw daw po, why po bad? Bad po ba maging good boy po?" aniya, malambing ang tono pero nananampal.
I pursed my lips. Agreed, baby girl! Isampal mo kay Emma!
"Ah, ano lang kasi—"
"Tama, tama, 'di ba Fritz?" ani Sol, "tumulong ako kasi masama ugali no'ng isa! Superhero ba si Kuya, Fritz?" nangiti ako nang tumango si Fritz.
"Super Sol!" Fritz jumped up and down. Humalakhak si Sol sabay apir sa kapatid pero nawala lang at nauwi sa masakit na daing nang kurutin na naman siya ng Lola niya't pinagalitan.
"Magandang umaga, Sib—hala, anong..." natulala biglang si Liza, nawala ang boses at napatakip sa bibig. "Anong nangyari kay Sol?!"
Bigla siyang tumakbo palapit kay Sol, "Sol! Anong nangyari sa mukha mo?! Basagulero ka na?!" eksaherada niyang sabi.
"Kalma, Liza," ngumisi si Sol, "ayos lang ako."
"Nakikipagbasag-ulo na 'yang kaibigan mo, Liza," his Nanay hissed while cleaning her grandson's wounds. "Kung anong ikinabait ngayon ganyan na ngayon, tignan mo, aatakihin pa ata ko sa sakit ng puso sa takot sa kanya. Kapag namatay ako ng maaga mumultuhin kitang bata niya." Sabay sapok niya kay Sol.
Bumaling sa akin pabalik si Liza, she offered me a wide smile. She hopped closer but Sol's grandmother called her.
"Liza, tara muna at samahan mo muna ako pauwi at ihahatid ko pa ang pinamili ko. Kanina pa kasi ito at dahil sa batang 'to, naku!"
"Sige po!" Liza chirped then glanced back at me, "Sib! Mamaya na lang tayo chika, ah? Sandali lang!"
I nodded, smiling a little but it froze when I saw the grandma's eyes lingered on me. Wala akong reaksyon na nabakas. Bago ko pa mas mabasa ay nag-iwas siya at diretsong umalis. Bumigat lang ang pakiramdam ko at napatitig sa isda.
I caused this. Kahit saan ako magpunta kung hindi ako ang nagsisimula ng away, nagsisimula dahil sa akin.
Fritz remained here with Sol. Habang nakatali ang baboy sa gilid ay nakatayo siya sa upuan naman para linisin ang sugat ng Kuya niya na inaasar siya at hinahalikan sa pisngi. I could here Fritz's giggles, a proof how great a brother Solomon is.
Nagkatinginan muli kami. Lumunok ako at tumitig sa isda.
He was called in the barangay with Nash after and he brought his sister with him and to not add burden to everyone in here, I am doing my best to do a great job with this smelly isda.
Is this Tilapia? I remembered Sol's words and nodded my head. This is Tilapia.
"Can you teach me how to use the knife?" tanong ko sa dalagang kasama ko para mas bumilis ang kaliskis sa fish na mukhang nagulat pa at nag-iwas ng tingin, mukhang natakot sa akin.
"Sorry, Miss, 'di ko alam," she said kahit na knife naman ang gamit niya.
My face dropped. Do I really look like a maldita bitch?
Mommy, binabawi ko na. I don't like this maldita face anymore!
I decided to mimic what she's doing instead. Naiwan kaming dalawa dahil may inaasikaso na ang ibang matatanda. At first, I sucked but slowly, I think I'm doing better na.
I smiled when I successfully cleaned one and I was about to show the girl and ask if it's okay when she stood and left. My lips protruded and decided to admire my clean fish myself.
Sucks for them not seeing this work of art. My Daddy pogi would be proud for sure! Sibyl Timothea, naglinis ng fish! He'd probably frame this one!
Or what if I'll buy this one instead tapos padala ko sa Manila with the note: For Daddy Pogi. Will he forgive me kaya because I know how to do this?
"Simula no'ng dumating ka rito nag-iba na si Sol," I almost slapped the fish on Emma's thick face when she sat beside me. Mabuti na lang ay nakalma ko ang sarili.
"Hindi niya ugali ang makipag-basag ng ulo ng gano'n. Dinadaan niya sa maayos na usapan ang lahat, tignan mo kung ano ang ginawa mo sa kanya."
"First off, I never ask him to help me." Walang-lingon kong sinabi, "Second, the man is an addict and Sol, a noble man he is just did his best to protect those in need."
"Ano? Damsel in distress ka na ngayon?" tumawa siya.
"No, Emma. I'm only a damsel." Sinulyapan ko siya, "ikaw 'yong in distress..."
Her mouth parted, I smirked.
"Tandaan mong dayo ka lang dito, Sandejas." The visible anger's on her voice. "Hindi ka magtatagal dito pero kung makaasta ka akala mo'y pag-aari n'yo rito. Ang Daddy ko ang namumuno!"
"Oh? Sino nagtanong?" nilingon ko siya.
"You're a bitch," mariing bulong niya, "maswerte ka't hindi kita sinumbong sa ginawa mong pagbuhos sa akin ng mga lamang-loob na 'yon! Kapag nalaman ni Dad ang ginawa mo—"
"Oh, chill, h'wag kang ma-stress..." malambing kong sabi, mas napasinghap siya.
"What?! Hindi ako stressed! Bakit akong mai-stress sa 'yo? Sino ka ba?!"
"Ako? I'm a Sandejas," I answered confidently and raised my fish, "come on. Show me you aren't stress. Say hi to my isda..."
"Ano?!"
"Hi, Emma, h'wag ka na iyak huhuhu..." I mumbled and faked a sob in a funny tone and opened the fish's mouth to show her it's speaking.
I smirked when she cursed under her breath.
"Baliw ka na ba? Ano bang nakita sa 'yo ni Sol? Napipilitan lang 'yon sa utos ng magulang mo—" humikab ako kaya natigilan siya. "Excuse me?!"
"Ah, dadaan ka?" I asked and lifted my brow.
She screamed with no voice.
"You... you...!" hindi niya matapos ang sasabihin kaya nagkibit-balikat ako at nagkaliskis ng isda. Dumaing siya nang natatamaan na siya ng kaliskis pero sadya talaga 'yon.
"I'm friends with Sol for a long time. Kilalang-kilala ko na siya, kilala rin ako ng pamilya niya. Dahil sa katangahan mo kanina at pagpapanggap na walang laban, nasaktan si Sol. Ayaw na ayaw ni Nanay na mapahamak ang mga apo niya dahil sila na lang ang natitira sa kanya."
I sighed, "why are you telling me these?"
"Leave Solomon alone. Simula no'ng dumating ka rito nag-iba na siya, hindi 'yan basagulero pero dahil sa 'yong nagpapaawa ka..." umiling siya, "isang beses pang mangyari 'yan kay Sol. Isang pagkakamali pa at inatake si Nanay? Ewan ko na, hinding-hindi niya kakayanin kung mawawala pa ang isa sa natitirang tao sa buhay niya."
Suminghap ako, "hindi ko hawak ang utak ni Solomon, Emma. Even if I stop him—"
"Kasalanan mo, kung hindi ka nakipaglapit ay sana'y hindi siya makikialam sa 'yo. Dahil sa 'yo nakipag-away siya sa adik na 'yon, dahil sa 'yo, nag-alala si Nanay. H'wag ka nang mag-antay na dahil sa 'yo ay atakihin siya. Wala kang bitbit na kahit ano sa probinsyang 'to kung hindi problema, Sandejas."
My gritted my teeth, my jaw tightening.
"Nga pala, nalaman kong pinadala ka pala rito para parusahan?" she chuckled, "akala ko ba bakasyon? Narinig ko may ugali ka raw talaga? Sabi sa article, nanigaw ka ng mga bata sa foundation? Sa pagkakaalam ko kasama ro'n si Fritz, ah?"
My head throbbed. I bit my lip to suppress my anger.
"And? Anong pinaglalaban mo?" malamig ko siyang sinulyapan.
"Masaya si Nanay na kasama sa foundation si Fritz. Idolo ka nga no'ng batang 'yon kahit walang katuwa-tuwa sa 'yo. I bet you even suck at dancing."
I fisted my palm.
"Ano kayang mararamdaman ni Nanay kapag nalaman niyang sinigaw-sigawan mo si Fritz? Na sinabihan mo siyang walang talento kasi feeling mo sobrang galing mo? Anong mararamdaman no'ng isa sa mga taong importante kay Sol kapag nalaman niyang 'yong babaeng nangmaliit kay Fritz ay pareho lang sa babaeng dahilan bakit nasaktan ang apo niya ngayon?"
"What are you trying to say?" kalmado kong tanong, nagpipigil ng galit.
"Leave Sol and his family alone," she smiled at me. "'Yon lang, marami nang responsibilidad si Sol sa pamilya mo't kanya para dumagdag ka pa sa alalahanin niya. Gulo lang ang dala mo rito. H'wag kang mapagmataas. Walang-wala ang ugali mo sa Maynila rito sa probinsya."
She left me alone there, feeling pained and numb afterwards.
I hate it that she had a point. I hated to admit she's right about everything.
I belittled innocent children, thinking I'm high, almighty and perfect.
I only cause trouble. Simula pa noon hanggang ngayon.
Everytime I'd open up to someone and let them see a part of me, it's either they'd break me. Ended up breaking themselves or the important people around me.
Children might've lost the drive for striving and showing their talents because of me. Fritz lost her motivation to dance because of me. Sol got hurt because of me.
My family was in vain because I trusted so much. My parents had lowered their guards because they trusted me. My sister got traumatized because of me, my brother lost something because of me.
And my... I glanced at the perfect fish who ended up broken and squeezed because of my tight grip.
The perfect fish got ruined because of me... paano na ipapa-frame ni Daddy?
Napatitig ako sa isda, mas bumibigat ang dibdib.
Can you see how much dreams you've turned into a nightmare, Sibyl? All... because of you.
My palms trembled upon seeing blood on my palms. I threw the fish back on the bucket, shaking my head.
Tumingala ako para tumawag ng tulong pero wala ring magawa. All I heard was chattering, mixtures of mockery and judgement because of the evil things I did. I could hear cries from the dreams I killed. I could hear everything and it's...
Napahawak ako sa dibdib para muling mahabol ang hininga.
"Sib? Sibyl? Ayos ka lang?" someone shook my shoulder. "Hala... Sib, Sibyl!"
I snapped back. I almost wheezed when I got the breath stolen from me and saw Liza in front.
"Ayos ka lang?! Teka, hala, tubig!" inabutan niya ako na kaagad kong kinuha at ininom hanggang sa kumalma na ang puso.
"Ayos ka lang? Anong nangyari?" seeing Liza, my new friend's face is soothing but like the others, she'll get hurt, too.
"Ayos lang, salamat," malamig kong sabi at tumayo. Kumunot ang noo niya sa akin.
"Sib, bakit? Saan ka?" hindi ko siya sinagot. I went to the nearest sink and cleaned my hands thoroughly while she's talking beside me. "Sorry, medyo nahuli ako ng dating kasi nakawala ang manok nina Nanay kaya tumulong. Tapos narinig ko 'yong nangyari? Gagong Romel 'yan, paniguradong bulok 'yan sa presinto! Binastos ka raw? Ayos ka lang?"
"I said I'm fine. Bakit ba paulit-ulit ka?" mariin ko siyang tinitigan.
Her mouth parted and closed again.
"Nag-aalala lang ako," mahinahon niyang sabi.
"Ayos lang ako. Okay na?" tumaas ang kilay ko sabay kuha ng alcohol sa bag para linisan ang kamay, nag-iiwas para hindi niya makita ang reaksyon.
"Galit ka?" mahinang tanong niya, "sorry, wala ka ba sa mood? Sorry, tatahimik na 'ko. Basta ba kapag kailangan mong kausap dito lang ako, ah? That's what friends are for."
"Let's reconsider that friendship," muli ko siyang hinarap at nabakas ang gulat sa mga mata niya.
"Huh?" pain mirrored her black eyes. I masked myself with emptiness and bit my lip before sighing.
"It's great being friends with you. You are a good friend, Liza, pero hindi ako magtatagal dito. I don't want any attachment in my vacation here. Even friendship."
Hindi siya nakaimik at natulala lang sa akin kaya bago pa man magbago ang isip ay mabilis ko na siyang tinalikuran. Nakasalubong ko si Sol habang papalabas na ginagap ang siko ko.
"Sib, saan ka—"
"Let go of me." Mariin kong sabi sabay hila ng kamay ko.
I spent the day alone. Ilang beses na sumubok si Solomon na kausapin ako pero hindi ko siya pinagbigyan at inabala ang sarili sa pagtulong sa palengke.
Sumama ako kina Manang Letty paikot-ikot para maghatid ng kung ano para 'di lang sila makitang dalawa na palaging nakabantay sa akin.
"Kape?" nang dumating ang tanghalian ay 'yon ang bungad ni Sol pero 'di ko siya pinansin. I kept on scrolling on my phone and watching the pure white screen with the words "No Data".
Nagtago na nga ako sa kanila nahanap pa rin akong nakaupo sa may dalampasigan. Nasa may batuhan na ako, ah?!
"Hindi ako sigurado kung bakit ang tahimik mo. Nasabi ni Liza 'yong nangyari sa inyo at naiintindihan niya raw na kailangan mo ng oras. 'Yong nangyari kanina, hindi mo kasalanan 'yon."
"You should stop defending me, Solomon." Iniangat ko ang tingin sa kanya, "thank you for it but I don't need your help."
"Hinawakan ka niya, Sibyl, anong gusto mong gawin ko?" kalmado niyang tanong, binabasa ang labi.
"Leave me alone. That's what you're gonna do." I spat.
"Ano?"
Tumayo ako at hinarap siya. I levelled with his gaze.
"I don't need your help or anyone else. I'm not weak. I can handle myself." Mariing sinabi ko. "Don't you dare involve yourself with me again, you understand? I don't need your worry. I don't need your concern. I don't need your friendship. I. Don't. Need. You."
I'm sorry... I just want you to stay away from me. Please, please, baby. Save yourself from me.
"Hindi pagiging mahina ang pangangailan ng tulong sa iba, Sibyl." Umigting ang panga niya, mas dumilim ang mata.
Umiling ako, "you're crazy. Can you just stay away from me?"
"Alam ko 'yang ginagawa mo." Umiling siya at marahan akong inabot, "tinutulak mo ang mga taong napapalapit sa 'yo. Takot kang buksan 'yang puso mo sa iba. Takot kang nakikita ang ngiti mo, bakit? Hmm, sabihin mo sa akin bakit..."
"I said leave me alone, don't make me say it again. Hindi ko kailangan ang tulong mo. Sana hinayaan mo na lang ako. Sana hindi mo na lang pinansin! Tignan mo 'yang sugat mo! Nasaktan ka!" I shook my head and pulled my wrist from him.
"Wala akong pakialam sa mga sugat na 'yan, Sandejas! Sa tingin mo ba matatahimik na lang ako ngayong pinapakialaman niya ang babaeng gusto ko?!" he snapped back.
My heart raced painfully. Bumilis ang paghinga ko at umiling, muling hinila ang kamay kong kinukuha niya.
No, he can't like me... no fucking way.
"No," wala sa sariling umiling ako. "Kaya ko ang sarili ko, hindi kita kailangan. Hindi kita magugustuhan, Solomon."
I noticed the pain on his eyes but he shook his head again, mas lumalambing ang tingin.
"Alam ko... hindi ko naman sinasabing gustuhin mo ako pabalik. Gusto ko lang na sabihin mo ang dinaramdam mo para maprotektahan kita, hindi 'yong tinutulak mo kaming palayo..." marahang inabot niya ang pulsuhan ko at hinaplos, tila hinihele, pinapatahimik ang demonyo sa puso ko.
Get a grip, Sibyl!
"Stop pushing yourself to me! Itigil mo na ang kakasiksik sa buhay ko! Hindi ko kailangan ng proteksyon mo—"
"Gusto ko, Sibyl! Gusto kong protektahan ka at sumiksik diyan sa buhay mo! Sabihin mo sa akin kung anong nagpapabigat niyang puso mo. Gusto kong malaman, gusto kong malaman at kunin mula sa 'yo... para 'di ka na nahihirapan! Gusto kong kunin lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman mo!"
My eyes stung. My stomach churned with the realization.
Oh, God. Please, help me. I like him very much it hurts.
"Y-You're ridiculous..." I laughed blankly, "how could you take it if there's none, Solomon? I'm alright. I'm safe and sound! I'm just like this, no reason at all. I'm a brat, I'm a devil. Being with me is a living hell! I will only make you miserable!"
He remained staring. I averted his gaze and turned my back, was about to go away when I felt him gripping me back. He turned me towards him, facing his clouded and expressive eyes again.
"What?" He cupped my cheek. I trembled. "J-Just leave me, you'll be miserable..." but even the words left me hanging the moment he pressed his lips on mine.
"Then, make me miserable. Let's be miserable together, angel," he whispered on my lips.
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