Kabanata 16
Long chapter ahead! This is unedited. Enjoy!!!
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Kabanata 16
Yakap-yakap ang tuhod at nakatulala ako habang nakaupo sa lapag sa gilid ng kama ko. I can hear the whistling of the wild and cold wind, I can feel it brushing on my skin and from the darkness of my room. I could see the bright stars shining from above the sky.
I closed my eyes tightly and sighed.
Am I mad with the possibility of him having a child? No.
But thinking of it made my head ache. He lied to me. If he had a child, does that mean he has a girlfriend? Or wife? Did he cheat?
Am I a mistress? Oh, God.
Am I confused? Yes.
Muli kong narinig ang katok sa labas ng pintuan ko, at mas nagwala lang ang damdamin nang marinig ang boses ni Sol mula roon.
"Angel, hindi ka ba maghahapunan?" his voice, even from the outside soothed me but the pain of confusion on my chest's stronger than it.
Hindi ako sumagot, nagpapanggap na tulog.
"Tulog ka ba?" he knocked gently again, "tulog nga ata, napagod ko siguro kanina..."
I can see his shadow from outside the door, standing for a few moments until my phone lit up from a message.
From: My Baby Sol
Hi, Angel. Kapag nabasa mo 'to pagkagising 'yong pagkain mo nasa lamesa. Kumakatok ako para sana sabay tayo kaso mukhang nagpapahinga ka. Sorry nga pala kung napagod kita no'ng dinala kita sa bahay.
From: My Baby Sol
Punta lang ako pabalik sa bahay para tumulong sa plano ng Agri week. Dito ako matutulog mamaya sa guestroom para may kasama ka. Kapag nakatulog ako at may kailangan ka katok ka lang :)
From: My Baby Sol
Good night, angel. Baka 'di mo na ako maabutan bukas maaga ang pasok.
I couldn't find words to say. I didn't even have the strength to reply back. How could he still ask me that way after I left them with no words.
I remained hugging my knees and opened the messages from our family group chat.
The Perfect Family sent you a message...
Zeijan-pogi: Pretty ghourl, uuwi ka o iiyak ako?!
I chuckled, the next messages were from my Kuya and Zire teasing him.
Zion-gwapo: Gusto na mag-file ng leave 'yan, Sib. Kaunti na lang papaliparin na chopper ni Tito Dash!
Zirena-ganda: Ate Sib, I miss you!!! :(((( pasalubong fls.
Misis na maganda: Lessen your sugar intake, Zirena. Magkaka-diabetes ka sa ginagawa mo.
Zirena-ganda: :(((((((((
Misis na maganda: Don't mind your father, Sibyl. Enjoy your stay, freshen up and relax, darling. Maganda ang hangin d'yan.
Zeijan-gwapo: Anong pinagkaiba ng hangin dito sa hangin d'yan??? Uwi ka na, 'nak. Miss na kita naiiyak na 'ko, 'di ka ba naaawa sa akin? ☹
Pretty ghourl: I'll go home soon, I'm just loving the vibe here, Dad.
Zeijan-pogi: 😭😭😭😭😭😭
Zion-gwapo: HAHAHAHA WAWA NAMAN DI NAMIMISS NI PRETTY GHOURL NIYA
Zeijan-pogi: Saksakin n'yo na lang ako🗡️🗡️🗡️
Misis na maganda: Idiot, that's a dagger, Mister!
I chuckled, shaking my head.
Zeijan-pogi: Ay, sorry. Ito na! Saksakin n'yo na lang ako: 😭🔪 😭🔪 😭🔪
Misis na maganda: Alright, wait for me there I'm just gonna go get my knives.
Zeijan-pogi: No!!!! 😱 😱 😱
Zion-gwapo: In the memory on Zeijan Sandejas. You will be remembered. 🪦
Then he sent a song "'Di kita malilimutan" in a voice record and I almost threw my phone away in shock and horror.
My family's crazy but... I love crazy. I think I am, too. For falling in love with Solomon.
Oh, good Lord. I am in love with him.
I scrolled on the photos I took on my phone to post something on social media. I chose a pretty picture of me near the ocean with my overflowing dress dancing in the air. I am wearing a large hat and it was snapped by Liza. Nag-quick change outfit pa ako no'n pagkatapos magkaliskis ng fish!
I posted it which earned thousands of like a few minutes later. My cousins started commenting and I scrolled on my feed then search for my name. My accounts have been dead for months now and I'm seeing articles about me, making me regret doing it.
My confidence faded. My stomach churned.
Buntis daw siguro, guilty sa cheating, tumaba raw or whatever.
How silly these people advocating for body positivity, slut shaming and is against spreading misinformation and fake news but the first one to slander other people without hard proof.
Sometimes, freedom of speech is too much. It was abused, using simple words but powerful against those people involved.
I received a message from Adi praising how beautiful I was on my posted photo.
To: Adira
Thanks, Adi! But it seems like people didn't find it pretty. Tumaba ba ako?
From: Adira
What? Sino nagsabi? Hindi ka mataba, I find you sexy and healthy!
Ngumuso ako.
To: Adira
So, tumaba nga ako?
From: Adira
No! Well, I can't say it like that. You looked healthier now and it suits you well! Pakialam ba nila kung nagkalaman ka? Anong masama ro'n? Katabi ko nga si Ate Crest ngayon at no'ng nakita 'yong post mo puring-puri. Hiyang ka raw sa probinsya!
To: Adira
Thank you :) but do I look pregnant?
From: Adira
Hindi, ah! Sino nagsabi niyan nang makasuhan ko!!!!
To: Adira
Hindi ka pa nga abogado haha! Kalma.
From: Adira
Edi ihahabol ko sila kapag abogado na ako! O kaya sumbong ko kay Kuya Chiel! Basta, Sib. Whatever they say, don't mind it kasi alam naman nating walang katotohanan. Those who supports hearsay, groundless gossips and issues they created on their own in attempt to slander someone's reputation is no more than a coward, Sib.
To: Adira
🤯🤯🤯
Parang sumabog ata ang utak ko.
From: Adira
I can see your face with that emoji! Huhu! Basta, if you need someone, I'm one call away. If you needed me there, I don't care kung may exam or recit kami the next day. Lilipad ako d'yan. I miss you, bff kong maldita!
My messages with Adi lightened my mood but it shifted the moment I received countless mentions from my friend's group chat. I sighed and clicked the message when I was mentioned on our group chat.
Sibyl: Hey, guys. Sorry for not being active. Signal's a mess.
Mila: Finally! We missed you! You looked great sa photo mo! We're calling!
The requested for a video chat but I turned off my camera ang listened to them instead.
They waved. I spoke.
"Sorry, my room's dark and I looked like a mess."
"It's alright," Mila, who looked fresh and pretty was in a spa. "We're in the spa, I'm with Leah." She moved the camera and showed me Leah waving her hand.
"Hey, Sib! We missed you girl! Recitals aren't the same without you!"
"I missed joining you, too, guys."
We talked about the happenings in ballet world. During my stay here, na-late na ako sa mga ganap dahil sa internet at nagbawas din ng oras sa social media at binalitaan nila ako. They even told me how disgustingly clingy Teresa and my ex are but nah. I am not interested.
Magpapaalam na sana ako pero binuksan nila ang topic na ayaw ko.
"So, how's our bet going, Sib?" Mila was enthusiastic and excited while asking.
My lips pursed.
"About that," tumikhim ako. "I'm out, Leah, Mila."
I wasn't that shock anymore when I saw the disappointment on their faces.
"What?!" Mila gasped, "why now? Akala ko ba game tayo? Leah and I are invested in here! We're even excited hearing how you'll play with that probinsyano!"
"You're out?" inagaw ni Leah ang phone, "what? Why?"
Good thing they couldn't see my face. I'm sure as hell they'll see how stressed I looked like right now.
"It's just silly, guys." I shook my head, my grip tightening on the phone. "It's childish."
"It's not childish!" muling inagaw ni Mila ang phone, kunot na ang noo at mukhang iritado. "It's being sport, Sibyl! I thought we had an agreement! You have to make your end of the deal! How about the bag—"
"I could buy a damn bag for all I care, Mila." Malamig kong sabi, naiirita na rin. "This is useless, okay? Sol is... Sol is not a toy to play with."
She laughed, shaking her head in disappointment. Humugot ako ng hininga para pigilan ang iritasyon.
"Where's the sport, Sib? Akala ko ba you're game? Wala namang mawawala, hindi ba? Aalis ka na rin naman d'yan pagkatapos no'n. We'll have our fun and you'll have the prize! Oh..." her eyes dilated, an amused yet annoyed expression flashed on her orbs. "Don't tell me you became so soft now..."
Kumuyom ang kamay ko.
"Oh, God!" Leah chuckled, "Sibyl, are you fucking in love?!"
"Can we cut this off, please? Don't think too much, I just wanted this to stop. Tao si Solomon at hindi laruang—"
"You're accepting you're a loser, then?" nagtaas ng kilay si Mila, seryosong nakatitig sa camera.
If withdrawing for a useless game is a loser for them, then, I'd accept as long as I'm not playing with Solomon. There are games you just can't win and this is one of them.
"Alright, I know," sagot ko na lang para matapos at sumandal sa gilid ng kama. "Now, can we quit this and move on? I wanna talk about ballet and nothing else—"
"Well, sad to say but Leah and I don't wanna be friends with losers like you." What she said stopped me. I literally froze on my seat, glancing at the camera wide-eyed.
"What?"
Sumilip si Leah sa camera at malungkot na ngumiti, "we're sorry, Sib..."
"Leah?" tumiim ang panga ko. "Mila, what the hell? Really? You'll throw our friendship for a petty bet—"
"We just don't like to be associated with losers," Mila answered, annoying me to the core.
Not because of her calling me a loser but because of her fucking cutting me off. No one cuts off Sibyl Timothea's words unless I allow it.
"You have to understand, Sib. We tolerated you because we thought you're sports and fun to be with. Turns out, you're turning your back if you didn't want to commit anymore and that's what losers do—"
"No one's a greater loser than bitches playing with other people like toys," I spat coldly. "Congratulations, girls, you two are on the first place."
"What? Did you just call us bitches—" I cut the line off before Mila could say a word.
No one cuts Sibyl's words off unless it was me cutting them off.
My stress doubled. Hinagis ko sa phone ang kama bago gumapang at nagtago sa ilalim ng kumot, malakas ang kalabog ng puso't nasasaktan.
How can everything be so messed up?
I slept to rest but woke up in a terrifying dream—no, a memory and it started hunting me again.
I felt like I'm in a thriller film. I could see nothing but the colors black, white and red in there.
My brain is empty, as if caged in a trance. I can hear nothing but screams as I tried finding ways to get out of my own prison.
Desperately, I looked for it. I was shaking and crying so loud. I was scared but I can hear my sister's calls for me. She's desperately calling me, asking me to help her.
I know I should and that's when I found a key. With my shaking hands, I opened it and looked around. I frantically went out of the room where I was caged—it was like I'm in a monster's den.
With every branch of the three turning to monsters chasing me, I got wounds and scars. I tripped but I tried standing again to escape. Kahit gumagapang na ay sumubok ako para lang makatakas sa sariling mga bangungot.
"Zire?!" I screamed, calling my sister.
"A-Ate, Ate, help!" she exclaimed, "t-there's blood!"
Even if I was limping, I ran and searched for her. Even if I saw the light from the distance, I did not cross it—wanting so bad to save her.
I ran and ran until I saw her and she was extending her hand on me, wanting me to reach her and I took a step forward to take it but a hand on my shoulder stopped me.
I panicked, afraid it was the monster trying to take me away from my sister, I jolted from the touch.
Wala akong maintindihan na kahit ano, ang utak ay punong-puno ng kaguluhan at dilim. It's like all the rational thoughts vanished in instant.
"Sibyl..." the voice from someone is calling and touched my shoulder again, "Sibyl, wake—" I panicked and pushed who ever that is.
"D-Don't touch me!" I screamed and pushed it again, harshly this time when it tried touching me again until I heard the sound of something falling.
Suddenly, it snapped. The dark forest vanished and the familiar white interiors of our home is what I first saw.
Gulat na nakita ko ang kamay sa ere, natilihan nang makitang nasa tapat ako ng hagdan at unti-unti, sa nangangatal na labi ay ibinaba ko ang tingin at nakita ang Kuya na nasa ibaba ng hagdan.
I... I pushed my brother.
He was unconscious, his head bumped on the floor and his head... it was filled with blood.
"N-No... No, no..." iling ko at nag-aalangang bumaba. "K-Kuya, o-oh, God... Kuya, I-I'm sorry." I called loudly and cried.
I woke up crying so hard, trying to look for someone and out of desperation to find someone because I was so scared. The first person I could ever think of was him, my escape.
"S-Sol?" my voice is still shaking when I spoke.
"Angel?" he called, "anong nangyari? Bakit paos ka?" napalitan ng pag-aalala ang boses niya.
"A-Are you busy?" I whispered, covering myself with the duvet to calm my shivering body.
"Hindi, hindi." He said but I heard Peter and Emma's voice discussing on the background.
"N-No, no, it's okay..." I panicked, thinking I disturbed him while working. "Ayos lang, it's okay. I just had a bad dream."
"Hindi, pupunta ako." He said without second thoughts and I can hear his movements from the other line.
"Saan ka, Sol? Hindi pa tayo tapos, ah?" I can hear Peter's voice.
"Babawi ako bukas, iwan n'yo na lang 'yong iba rito. Ako ang tatapos. Kailangan ako ni Sibyl," he said kaya dali-dali akong nagsalita.
"No!" umiling-iling ako at mas humigpit ang hawak sa phone. "It's okay, this is just a silly d-dream. Kaya ko naman mag-isa, I'm sorry if I was too needy." I immediately regretted calling him.
"Hindi—"
"Sol, ayos lang," I said, even changing the tone of my voice so he would realize it was really okay. "Kaya kong mag-isa."
"Pero gusto ko, Sibyl," he sighed and explained gently. "Pupuntahan kita. Bakit kita hahayaang mag-isa ka kung nandito naman ako?"
How could words make me assured and pained at the same time?
I quickly fixed and grabbed my things. The moment I stepped out of the door and met his gentle black eyes, all my defenses crumbled.
I ran to him. Nagulat siya sa biglaang ginawa ko pero humaplos kaagad ang mainit niyang palad sa likod ko at humalik sa ulo ko.
"Anong nangyari?" marahang bulong niya.
Hindi ako umimik. I hugged his nape tighter that he almost carried me. He sniffed on my neck when he lowered his head and placed it on my shoulder.
"What's the matter..." he whispered.
My stomach churned. I closed my eyes tightly, trying my best not to cry.
"Shh..." he whispered, slowly pulling away from me. Mas kumislap lang ang mata ko nang makita ang liwanag ng kanyang mga mata sa madilim na hallway. "Nandito ako, hmm? Hindi ka mag-isa, nandito ako..."
"S-Sol..." I cried. Hell, I didn't expect I'd cry in front of someone else.
Suminghap siya't nagmura pero muli akong binalot sa kanyang bisig, nagpoprotekta, nagbibigay ng init.
"P'wede mong sabihin sa akin ang lahat-lahat," bulong niya, "nandito ako, Sibyl. Hindi ka mag-isa. Makikinig ako sa kahit ano."
"T-Thank you..." I moved away and he took it as a chance to cup my cheek and locked gazes with me.
"Kumain ka na? Tara, sasamahan kita. Tapos p'wede tayong umakyat sa itaas, masarap at malamig ang hangin."
"No," I shook my head, enjoying the comfort of his finger removing traces of my tears. "Take me away from here even just for tonight."
"Angel..."
"Please," I whispered in desperation. "I-I don't need the saving, just let's runaway..."
Tumitig siya, binabasa ang ekspresyon sa aking mata bago bumaba ang palad sa akin at ginagap ang mga daliri ko.
"Let's runaway then, angel," hinila niya ako paalis at habang nakatingin sa likod niya'y binura panandalian ang lahat-lahat ng mga damdaming bumabagabag sa loob-loob.
For now, let me escape from this nightmare.
We rode Sol's motorcycle. Nakayakap ako sa kanyang baywang habang pinapanuod ang pagsayaw ng mga dahon sa samyo ng hangin. Ang pagkislap ng bituin at ang pagsunod ng bilugang buwan.
I couldn't believe how quick I got attached to this province. I was there before but never in my life did I ever thought of staying her this long.
Ilang beses kong pinilit si Dad na pauwiin ako pero ngayon, ako itong pinipilit ng umuwi pero ayaw ko.
The colorful lights and the loud happy sounds lifted my mood. I broke into a sweet smile upon seeing the perya in front of us.
Si Sol pa ang nagtanggal ng helmet ko dahil abala ako sa pagkuha ng polaroid camera at pagkuha ng litrato sa paligid.
I was all smiles while getting lost with the lights. Gumaan ang pakiramdam ko habang kumukuha ng litrato salitan sa phone at camera.
"Dahan-dahan, angel," then, I felt a gentle tug on my waist.
I realized I almost bumped into someone and he pulled me closer to him.
"Ayos ka lang?" marahang bulong niya kasabay ng kanyang marahang haplos sa aking baywang paakyat sa braso ko at balikat para umakbay. He pulled me again for the next, kissing my head briefly.
He bought tickets for us and I had all the fun in the world snapping photos of him.
"Ano 'yan? Gwapo ba?" ngumisi siya nang mahuli akong kinukuhaan siya.
"Hmm... p'wede na," I smirked when his face crumpled. My playful smirk faded when he squeezed my cheeks with his palm, making my lips purse and he kissed me.
Napapikit ako at inangat ang sarili para halikan siya pabalik, unti-unting niyayakap ang kanyang batok. He smiled in between our kisses, his warm palm claiming the small of my waist before biting my lower lip.
A loud clearing of throat stopped us. Natulak ko si Sol at hinarap iyon, namimilog ang mata nang makita si Liza na nakatulala sa amin habang nasa bibig ang straw.
"Sol..."
"Nash..." tawag ni Sol, mas humigpit ang pagkakahapit sa baywang ko. Nag-angat ako ng tingin mula sa kaibigan kay Nash na gulantang din sa amin.
"N-Nash, hey..." I called.
"Kayo..." tumikhim siya at sumulyap kay Sol at sa akin pabalik, "nandito pala kayo. Ah, date?"
"Not really—"
"Oo, bakit?" biglang angas ni Sol kaya napairap na ako sa hangin. Here he is again. "Nagde-date kami ng girlfriend ko, masama?"
"Kalma! Hindi ako nakikipag-away!" humagalpak ng tawa si Nash at sa sobrang hiya ay siniko ko ang sikmura ni Solomon na dumaing pa.
"Ano? S-Sino nagsabing nakikipag-away ako. Sinasabi ko lang na nag-date kami ng girlfriend ko. Date. Girlfriend. Ibig sabihin, hindi na available kasi sa akin na." He emphasized like an idiot and my face burned.
Oh, good Lord. This man!
I felt a gaze burning a hole on my face. Umangat ang tingin ko bigla kay Liza na nasamid at nag-iwas ng tingin sa akin, namumula ang mukha.
Hmm...
My eyes landed to Nash making fun of my pissed boyfriend back to Liza who attempted to runaway but I called her.
"Oh, Liza! Nandito ka pala, friend!" I exclaimed happily. Nanigas siya sa kinatatayuan, kulang na lang ata ay kainin ang straw niya.
"S-Sib! Napadaan lang ako rito tapos... uhm..." she laughed nervously, "m-musta naman, f-friend?"
I laughed hysterically inside my head.
Hindi ko pinansin ang mahinang sabong ng dalawang lalaki at pinakatitigan si Liza, unti-unting humahalukipkip.
"Bakit wala ka kanina? Busy?" nagtago ako ng ngisi.
"O-Oo, busy!" muli siyang sumipsip sa inumin niya. "Tapos napadaan sa perya tapos nakita si Nash—'di naman sa kasama ko siya, ano! Nagkita lang kami rito, aksidente lang! 'Di ba?! 'Di ba, aksidente lang na nagkita tayo?!" sabay hampas niya kay Nash na nagulat din.
"Aray naman..." the poor boy touched his arm.
I can feel your pain, Nash. Masakit talaga manghampas ang babaeng 'yan.
"Sabihin mo sa mag-jowang 'to na nagkita lang tayo ng aksidente dito! 'Di ba?!" sabay sipsip niya ulit sa inumin niyang walang laman na.
"Huh?" kumunot ang noo ni Nash, sumulyap siya saglit sa amin. Sa akin na binibigyan siya ng malisyosang tingin at kay Sol na mag-aaya na ata ng sapakan. Ngumisi siya nang makita ang itsura ng boyfriend ko at nagkibit balikat.
"Ah, oo, nagkita lang kami ni Liza..." sumulyap siya kay Liza na kakainin na ata pati ang lagayan ng inumin niya. "Hindi ko siya inayang mag-date."
My lip twitched.
"Kita n'yo?!" humalakhak si Liza sabay hampas kay Nash na muntik nang matumba sa lakas. "Dahil nagkita tayo, ihatid mo na 'ko pauwi! H'wag na natin istorbohin ang mag-jowa!"
Liza laughed awkwardly and pulled Nash's arm, "tara na! Sige na, maghalikan na kayo ulit! Lalayas na kami! Bye!" lumabas na ang ngala-ngala ng kaibigan habang hinihila si Nash palayo na lumingon pa sa amin bago mapang-asar na sumaludo kay Sol.
"Tang ina nitong Nash na 'to. Ibabalik kita sa Going Bulilit, gago." Bulong ni Sol na akmang susunod pero hinatak ko pabalik, natatawa.
"Kumalma ka nga, inaasar ka ni Nash kasi mainit ang ulo mo!" umiling ako.
"Hindi nakakaintindi," ngumiwi siya at hinarap ako, kunot ang noo habang inilalagay ang buhok sa likod ng aking tainga. "Kapag sinabi kong sa akin, akin."
"Bakit? Wala namang umaangkin sa akin?" I hid my smile.
"May gusto 'yon sa 'yo. Akin ka, Sibyl, walang p'wedeng kukuha kasi akin ka..."
Oo na, sa 'yo na.
"Sino bang nagsabing magpapakuha ako, ah?" ngumuso ako at tinagilid ang ulo, inaabot ang kanyang panga. "Sa 'yo lang ako, basta ba alam kong akin ka lang din?"
His eyes softened. My heart silently hoped my worst case scenario is wrong.
"Sa 'yo lang," it was my assurance. Ibinaba niya ang palad ko sa dibdib niya. "I'm yours, angel. I'll do my best to deserve you."
"Let's be truthful to each other, then," bulong ko at inabot ang palad niyang humahawak sa akin, inaangat ang palad niya sa labi ko para hagkan habang nakatitig sa kanyang mga mata. "Let's runaway for now but face it later, hmm?"
Naramdaman ko ang kaba niya pero kalaunan ay tumango at idinikit ang noo sa akin.
"Let's runaway for now and we'll face it together," bulong niya at hinalikan akong muli.
The whole night, we did our definition of fun. We played arcade rings, shoot some ducks with fake guns. He got me a large teddy bear. We screamed our lungs out with the horror house. I screamed at the top of my lungs while the ferris wheel's moving to the top but he took my fear away by his kisses which ended up with our mini make out at the top with the fireworks exploding above.
But all fun must come to an end. We went home with smiles and my swollen lip for his nonstop kisses and now, we're on our porch near the fountain, staring at the stars.
He prepared warm milk for me. Maliit akong napangiti nang maramdaman ang pagpatong niya ng jacket sa balikat ko bago naupo sa tabi ko.
I warmed my nervous palm glancing at Sol who didn't say a thing and respected my silence. The way our shoulders touched gave me comfort.
"You know," I started off. He moved to glance my way. "I wasn't exactly like this before."
"Paanong hindi?" nilingon ko siya at maliit na ngumiti.
"I was I think, more open?" I shrugged. "I'm not really into too much interaction since I'm not really a social person except when I'm in shows or in public appearances. But I'm a bit approachable."
"Approachable ka naman, ah?" he commented, "medyo maldita nga lang. No'ng pinakilala ka sa akin ng pormal ni Sir Zeijan ang ganda-ganda mo pero wala kang reaksyon. Pero approachable naman kasi tinaggap mo 'yong kamay ko kahit 'yong dulo lang ng daliri."
I chuckled, ibinaba ko ang baso ko bago inilahad ang kamay sa kanya.
"Hmm?"
"I'm Sibyl Timothea Sandejas," I started. He remained looking at me. "Nakakangalay na, ah? Accept my hand, baby."
His eyes brightened, "Solomon Aecen Alejo, ang pinakagwapo sa balat ng Sta. Monica, señorita." He accepted my hand, his warmth mixing with mine.
"Pinakagwapo, Mr. Alejo?" I shook his hand, "what would Papa Jer say? May papalit na sa pwesto niya?"
"Successor ako, Miss Sweet Lips." Kumindat pa siya bago ko kinuha ang kamay at sumimsim ng gatas.
"I met a friend named Wyatt," nag-umpisa na ako maging hindi komportable sa pangalang iyon. "May mga nakikipagkaibigan sa akin dati pero alam ko sa sarili kong hindi sinsero ang mga 'yon. They wanted to befriend me in the sake of my family name. Gusto nila akong kaibiganin dahil sa pamilya ko, hindi para sa akin tapos ayon, nakilala ko si Wyatt. He was my friend, well, that's what I considered him. He had showed me I can be friends with someone despite the status, na p'wede akong magkaroon ng kaibigan hindi lang dahil sa pangalan."
"Si Adira," aniya kaya lumingon ako. "Sabi mo no'ng nakaraan close kayo? Paano ang mga pinsan mo?"
"I'm close with them, of course. Adi's my BFF and cousin. However, you have a best buddy inside and outside and Adi's my closest pero naghahanap ako ng ibang kaibigan at do'n ko siya nakilala. We will dine casually, just the usual friendship pero I trusted him. He showed me he's not after my family name that he became my best buddy. I let him in our house and introduced him to my family. They were good with it. However, my brother insisted I get bodyguards. My father's a retired Navy Seal and they have a lot of businesses which in fact gave us a lot of enemies and rivals pero hindi ako pumayag. He reminded me not to trust much, too, because he could sense something with Wyatt. That he's off."
"Hindi mo ba napansin din?"
Umiling ako, nagwawala na naman ang puso.
"Noong una, hindi. Pero kalaunan, oo. Nga lang, hindi ko pinansin. I closed my eyes with the red flags I'm seeing because he's a friend. He knew where we live. He knew who's inside our house—I let him know by letting him inside. He knew everything and when I asked him about it, sinasabi niyang naikwento ko pero wala akong maalalang gano'n." My hand trembled but Sol gripped my palm and placed it on his leg.
"Dito lang ako..." he whispered when he noticed me uncomfortable and afraid.
"Kuya reminded me again and again not to trust so much, to not go without the guards or let anyone in without them knowing but I have not listened." Fear crept inside my chest upon remembering it like it only happened yesterday.
My family left to attend Zirena's school fair and I was left alone in our house. I was dancing and practicing for our recital when my phone beeped.
From: Wyatt
Are you avoiding me, Sibyl?
My heart hammered. I sat on the floor and think of more excuses.
I've been avoiding him for a while now ever since I felt eerie and suspicious of his motives. I made excuses not to see him, nagpasundo sa driver o kaya kay Kuya para lang 'di siya makita.
To: Wyatt
What? No, I'm not. What made you think that way?
From: Wyatt
You are avoiding me. I saw you last time. You've seen me too pero no'ng tinawag kita hindi mo ako nilingon. Did I do something wrong, Sib? Ayaw mo na ba akong kaibigan?
My chest squeezed guiltily. I don't have proof knowing he had evil intentions. He showed me nothing but kindness and friendship. Is it right treating my friend this way?
From: Wyatt
If I'm making you uncomfortable, I'm so sorry. If this about me overly asking about your family, my apologies. Gusto ko lang namang makilala ang magulang ng kaibigan ko pero mukhang napasobra. I'm not mad, I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable. If staying away from me is your way then I accept. I'm sorry. I won't trouble you again.
Sumakit ang sikmura ko sa nababasa. Guilt and pain won inside my chest that I tapped a quick response.
To: Wyatt
No, it's not like that. I'm just busy, that's all. Please, don't think that way. You're a friend.
From: Wyatt
Can we talk, then? Let's meet?
I agreed to talk to him. I changed, didn't bother messaging my family since we've decided to meet in a cafeteria nearby but what shocked me was when I got out, he was there.
"Wyatt!" I blurted.
"Sibyl..." he called, his usual friendly smile's showing. Hindi ako nakasagot kaagad sa gulat. Lumapit siya para humalik sa pisngi ko. "I realized your house's nearby so I went here directly."
"Well..." I nodded, "come on—" but he pulled me back.
"Why?"
"Since we're already here," binasa niya ang dila at sumulyap sa bahay. "Why don't we talk inside?"
"No," I shook my head. "Wala ang parents ko sa loob at walang mag-aasikaso sa atin para sa meryenda kaya—"
"I brought foods," he lifted his hand to show me the plastic. "Hindi na natin kailangang magpaluto kasi may pagkain na."
Nanatili akong nakatitig sa kanya at nahuli ko ang pagpawi ng ngiti niya.
"You're uncomfortable with me," he sighed loudly, making me feel bad. "Maybe you really don't want being friends with me. I knew it." When he turned his back, I panicked and grabbed his arm.
"Wyatt!" I called. He stopped and glanced at me. "C-Come on, sa loob na lang tayo mag-usap."
His expression lightened, nakangiti siyang sumama sa akin sa loob. The guard even gave me a look pero sinabihan kong kaibigan ko kaya wala nang sinabi at hinayaan si Wyatt.
"I bought your favorite fruit tea, Kiwi, right?" he asked.
"You know me well, ah?" napangiti ako.
"Of course, you're my friend, Sibyl. It was always this you're buying to calm your nerves and if wala nito, your second choice will be your iced coffee. You loved hearing the ice clinking."
Mas nahiya tuloy ako. Kilalang-kilala niya ako dahil sa pagkakaibigan namin pero ako itong pinagdududuhan siya. What kind of friend I am? Siya nga lang ang naging kaibigan kong tulay pero ganito ko siya tratuhin!
When we got inside, I hugged Wyatt.
"Sibyl?"
"Sorry, Wyatt..." I sighed, "I was just a mess these days. Mukhang nadadamay kita."
"It's okay," he touched my back and tapped it, "I understand, Sibyl."
We sat on the couch and I opened the television to watch with him. Inilabas niya ang pagkain habang nagkikwentuhan kami.
"Here," he handed me the cup of my favorite drink in which I excitedly drank while moving my feet happily while he's watching me intently. I smiled.
"Sarap! Thank you, Wyatt!"
"No worries," he winked while we continued watching. "Pero ikaw lang talaga rito sa bahay n'yo? Nasaan sila?"
"The maids left kasi off na nila bukas, 'yong dalawang guards lang ang natira sa labas. Ang family ko nasa school fair ni Zire."
My head throbbed. I stopped briefly and closed my eyes.
"Hindi ka sumama?" he shot his brow up.
"Nope, I was practicing for the recital. Naintindihan naman nila." Ngumiti akong muli pero tila umikot ang paningin ko kaya umayos ako ng upo.
"Sib?"
"Uh, wait. Kitchen lang." Paalam ko, tumayo pero muling nahulog ng upo. Sinalo niya ako at inalalayan.
"Sibyl! Ayos ka lang?"
"I-I'm just dizzy..." mas nanliit ang paningin ko at humigpit ang hawak kay Wyatt. "C-Can you call my Kuya?"
"I will," nilingon ko siya at sa nanlalabong tingin ay nakita ang pagtaas ng sulok ng labi niya. "In fact, I was planning to call your family after this."
"What?" inilayo ko ang braso pero hinatak niya ako. "What are you doing... I'm dizzy, Wyatt! C-Call my family—"
"You're dizzy, Sib?" malambing niyang sabi. Mabilis man ang kalabog ng puso ay lumayo ako pero isang hatak lang ay naibalik niya ako. "Maybe it's working. Ang hirap mong utuin. Ang tagal-tagal kong gustong gawin na 'to pero pinahirapan mo 'ko. Mailap ka pero pagkakaibigan lang pala kahinaan mo. You trust too much, woman. Now, look at this..."
"W-What the hell..." nahulog ang tingin ko sa inumin. "You—"
"Yes, I put something in that favorite drink of yours." Ngumisi siya, ang palakaibigang mukha ay nauwi sa pagiging demonyo. "Does it taste great, hmm? What would your family say after knowing you let someone in without them knowing?"
"A-Asshole... how d-dare you..."
"Matagal na naming binabantayan ang pamilya mo, Sandejas. You all boast about your security but this is how we'll got you, hmm? The gullible child letting her friend in. We almost failed because your asshole of a brother's messing with your thoughts of me pero isang paawa lang pala sa 'yo..."
I shook my head, jolting from his touch. I couldn't even open my mouth to speak.
"I thought you are the strongest minded. When I first knew you, I thought it'll be hard but it seems like you're the easiest to break. Weakest."
I kicked him. Kahit nahihilo ay sumubok pa akong tumakbo palayo sa kanya pero nahatak niya akong muli at tinakpan ang ilong.
"Where you going, Sib? You're actually fun. If this isn't because of your family, we could be friends..." he chuckled. "Or I could've fucked you, hmm? Nah, I should've fuck you."
I pulled his hand away, gasping.
"But too bad, I might get turned off to weak women like you. You know why? Because you trust too much... No one's gonna befriend you because you are you. You are pathetic, seeking other people's validation. Know what? You sucked, Sibyl. You have no talent. You try so hard to be like your whore of a mother. You wouldn't have friends in the future. I'm so sure of it."
I whimpered, I tried fighting but he's physically stronger and I'm dizzy. My eyelids felt heavier and I got no other choice but to beg the Gods the save my family until my I lost my consciousness.
My, Dy, Kuya, Zire... please, don't go home.
It all happened because of me. He and his men incapacitated the guards. They tied me, waited for my family to go home and took them by surprise.
My sister managed to untie me while my parents are protecting us. Nahihilo pa rin ako pero hindi ko iyon pinagtuunan ng pansin at gustong protektahan ang batang kapatid.
"Zirena! Sibyl! Hide!" my father screamed while exchanging gunshots.
Natulala ang kapatid ko. I gasped loudly when I realized she's shaking, covering her ears from the multiple gunshots.
"Z-Zire, baby..." my body's trembling but I cupped her cheek. "L-Look at Ate, please. Look at me..."
Her scared blue eyes locked gazes with me. I gave her a small smile.
"W-We'll hide inside your room, h-hmm?" she nodded. I pulled her to her room and let her in but before I could hide too, I felt a tight grip on my hair, yanking me back.
I yelped. Nahulog ako sa lapag at nakita si Wyatt na punong-puno ng dugo ang damit.
"Where are you going, my sneaky friend? Why don't you join us?" inangat niya ang baril.
My eyes widened horribly. My gaze landed on my sister's wide eyes as I screamed at the top of my lungs.
"Lock the door, Zirena! Now!" I screamed before he dragged me by my hair.
Nagkakagulo na ang lahat. Ginawa ko na ang lahat para maabot si Wyatt at mapakawalan ako pero hinampas niya ako ng baril.
"N-No... No..."
"Putang ina!" the grip on my hair vanished. Nakita ko ang pagtalsik ng baril ni Wyatt. Bumalikwas ako ng upo at sumigaw nang makita si Mommy na nakikipagpalitan ng sipa at suntok sa kanya.
I was shaking. I wanted so bad to help but I have no strength to.
I saw how my brave mother in her eyes in sharp slits gave him a quick upper cut, twirled her leg up and kicked his face until he fell on the ground.
"Sibyl!" tawag niya, mabilis akong kinuha patayo at itinago sa kanyang likuran nang sabay-sabay kaming makarinig ng malakas na iyak.
"No! Please, let me go!"
"Zirena!" I cried when I saw my younger sister getting dragged by a man out of her room.
"Shut up, you wench!" The man groaned angrily.
"Dad! Mom!" she cried, they dragged me on the floor. Napadaing ang kapatid ko sa pagtama ng ulo ko sa sahig at mas napahagulgol.
"Zire!" Dad called loudly while trying to fighting for a firearm.
"Daddy! Help!" she cried.
Tatakbo na sana kami papalapit ni Mommy nang may humarang ulit sa kanya at nadamay ako. I knew mild self-defense method but I'm no match with their massive bodies.
"Zirena!" Mom shouted, trying her best to take those men away from us while she's protecting me. She didn't care about the blood dripping on her mouth, she did her best to protect me while I was trembling like an idiot.
"M-Mom! Help!" Zire yelped.
Itinulak ni Mom ang lalaki at sinubukang takbuhin ang pwesto ni Zire kasama ako pero nahila ng lalaki ang buhok niya't sinuntok ang t'yan.
"Mommy!" Zire and I screamed.
"Fuck! Misis!" I heard my Dad shouting and the next thing I saw was him punching the man dragging my sister straight on the face.
My Dad pulled Zire up and ran towards us. My Mom coughed loudly and touched her stomach and I froze when I saw the blood in it.
"Zion!" My father shouted. My eyes landed to my little sister trembling in fear. Hinila ko siya at basta na lang niyakap, itinatago siya sa mga karahasan.
My Dad is frustratedly punching the man who hurt my mother, he's in the verge of killing him. Nakita ko ang galit sa mga mata niya.
"Fuck you! Fuck you! You fucking hurt my family!" He sounded desperate and is in full rage.
"Dad!" Zire called. Nanlaki ang mata ko nang makita ang Kuya Zion. Nakita kong may hawak siyang baril at nanlaki ang mata nang makita kami.
His eyes darken, he was in rage like my dad's. Halos maging iisa na ang paningin ko sa itsura nilang dalawa at napasinghap ang kapatid ko nang tumakbo si Kuya palapit habang mahigpit na hawak ang baril niya.
"K-Kuya!" Zire called him, crying. Nakita kong napatingin siya sa may gilid namin at humigpit ang hawak sa baril.
"Zire! Sibyl! Lower your heads!" Sigaw niya. Napalingon ako at nakita si Wyatt na nakatayo na, hawak-hawak na baril para asintahin siya.
"Kuya!"
"Lower your heads!" My Mom crawled and hugged us. My mouth parted. I stiffened and felt the ringing in my ear. Inabot kami ni Mommy pero nanatili lang akong nakatulala sa kanila.
It's all my fault... I did this to us... Pinahamak ko ang pamilya ko.
"D-Dad! Dad, si Kuya!" Sigaw ni Zirena nang hindi matigil ang Kuya at galit na galit habang walang pakialam na nakikipagpalitan ng putok.
Words left my mouth and my chest rose with terror the moment I saw how the bullet from Wyatt's gun pierced my brother's chest.
Nahulog siya sa lapag at nakita ko kung paano umagos ang dugo roon. Zirena screamed loudly, crying and I... I was stoned to the ground.
Mas nagkagulo. Ni walang sigaw na lumabas sa labi ko sa pagkakatulala sa nangyayari. My mother ran to my brother's aid. Si Dad ay muling inatake ng mga lalaki roon at si Wyatt ay ngumisi habang hawak-hawak ang balikat, nakaluhod sa semento.
He lifted his arm, moving it towards my father's place and my eyes went to the Kuya Zy's gun near my foot. Kinuha ko iyon, wala sa sariling inangat at bago pa man niya asintahin si Daddy ay inunahan ko na siya.
My eyes are cold. I felt nothing but numbness inside my chest when the bullet pierced Wyatt's forehead.
He fell and as his life ended, life has ended my heart, too.
"Shh, I'm here, angel. I'm here..." I was lost to my own hell when Solomon's voice and warm hug pulled me right back up.
"S-Sol?" my voice trembled.
"Hmm? Nandito ako, nandito..." malambing niyang turan. He cupped my cheek and caged my gaze with his.
"I-It's my fault..." I cried. "D-Dahil sa akin... napahamak ang mga magulang ko. S-Si Zire, my i-innocent sister was traumatized because of me. My brother almost lost his life, S-Sol. M-Muntik nang mawala ang K-Kuya ko..."
"Hindi mo kasalanan," umiling siya't mas masuyo akong hinaplos. "Kasalanan 'yon ng gagong lalaking 'yon, angel. Hindi ikaw. Hindi mo kasalanan 'yon..."
"I-I blacked out during the next months. I'm h-having episodes where I was sleepwalking and having nightmares at the same time. I-I had pushed my brother on the stairs and his head... he bumped his head and there's blood, Sol... may d-dugo..."
Niyakap niya ako. I trembled on his touch, shaking.
"Sibyl..."
"K-Kuya suffered from head injury. H-Hindi lang isang beses! Dalawang beses kong pinahamak ang Kuya ko. H-He kept on saying he's alright but I know, I know he isn't! His memory blocked his trauma! He had heard everything from us but he didn't know every detail. Nagpapanggap siyang ayos lang, na maganda nga raw iyong hindi niya maalala pero I know... I know he was searching for his memories. H-Hindi niya sinasabi pero alam ko..." I sobbed more. "K-Kasalanan ko, Sol! He lost his memories! He fucking almost lost his life because of an idiot! B-Because of me..."
"Shh..." he cradled me on his arms while I remained crying my heart out and fisting his shirt.
"S-Sana ako na lang... sana ako na lang..." I whispered. "H-Hindi na ang Kuya, a-ako na lang, Sol..."
He waited for me to calm down while cradling me on his arms. Basa na ang shirt niya sa kakaiyak ko pero hindi siya nagreklamo sa akin at mas niyakap lang ako. Hindi siya nagsasalita pero ramdam na ramdam ko ang pagdamay niya sa aking nararamdaman.
His silence's my escape. Just his warmth and the demons calmed down.
"Kalmado ka na, angel?" he whispered while dying my damped cheek.
I nodded like a kid. He put a few strands of my hair behind my ear, the cold November wind whistling beneath our skin.
"Gusto ko lang sabihin na kagaya ng sinabi ni Zion, hindi mo kasalanan iyon..." my eyes glinted when he smiled gently. "Kasama na sa pag-uugali ng tao ang magtiwala at maghangad ng mga kaibigan."
"But—" he placed his finger in front my lips to hush me.
"Mahal ka ni Zion. Mahal ka ng pamilya mo at kahit kailan, alam kong hindi ka nila sinisi." Tumitig siya sa mga mata. "It's a long process. Hindi ko sasabihin sa 'yong h'wag sisihin ang sarili mo at hindi mo kasalanan ang lahat dahil sa huli ay desisyon mo ang susunduin ng puso mo. Mahabang proseso iyan. Hindi lang basta-basta. Pero, anghel ko, gusto ko lang sabihin sa 'yong hindi mo kasalanan. Hindi kailanman..."
"I d-didn't listen and I t-trusted too much..."
"I'm hoping you find it in yourself to not blame yourself someday. All you ever did was to be sincere, find friendships, trust and give love. All you ever did was open it to others like what humans are doing—sana h'wag mong isasara ang puso mo dahil sa mga taong ang hangad lang ay saktan 'yan."
How could words make someone cry?
He reached for my cheek and dried my tears, "I hope someday, you will stop closing your heart to people who wanted to love and care for you. I hope someday, you won't judge yourself anymore from the mistakes and betrayals other people did. It's on them. It's not your burden to carry. I hope someday, you'll find it in yourself to open up and let go of their mistake's weight on your shoulders..."
His serious face broke into a boastful smirk, "gago, galing ko mag-English. Lalaban ka?!"
It broke my defenses that I laughed so loud. I smacked him and he let me do it, amused upon seeing my smiles.
"You're an idiot, Sol..."
"Ayan, mas gumaganda ka kapag ngumingiti..." hinaplos niya ang pisngi ko. "That's right, angel. Smile, hmm? You deserved it."
I hugged him and he did, too. Tightly.
"I'm sorry if I'm a mess, baby," I whispered.
"I love mess, angel." He whispered, "you're my beautiful mess."
Matagal kaming nagyakap hanggang sa nagsalita na siya at bumulong, "May gusto akong sabihin, Sib. Ayos lang ba? P'wede naman ibang oras na lang, alam kong mabigat pa ang pakiramdam mo."
My heart hammered but I got it immediately, I nodded.
"Spill it... I'm alright..."
Nanahimik siya, akala ko'y 'di na magsasalita pero nagpatuloy matapos ang ilang segundo.
I moved away from him. I could notice his nervousness, the way his palm trembled reminded me of what happened to me earlier. I am scared of his confessions too but he bravely listened to me and so, I took his palm, placed it on my lap and squeezed.
"I'm listening..."
Humugot siya ng hininga at umigting ang panga.
"Nakwento ko na noon sa 'yo pero bata pa lang ako no'ng nawala ang mga magulang ko. Sampung taong gulang ako no'ng nawala sina Mama at Papa sa aksidente," he watched my reaction. I nodded, waiting for him. "Si Nanay ang nag-alaga sa akin para hindi ako makuha ng ampunan kaso may pace ako sa buhay na nawala sa landas..."
I heard it from Nanay already.
"Hindi na ako pumapasok. Mas gustong sa bilyaran na lang o kaya inuman. Nagagalit si Nanay pero noon, kagaya mo, naghahanap din ako ng mga kasama. Mga kaibigan na pakiramdam ko'y dadamayan ako. Wala akong kaibigan no'ng lumalaki, tinatawanan na ampon kaya no'ng nagkaroon ay sumama ako. Wala akong pakialam kung bad influence, basta may kaibigan. Napabayaan ko ang grado no'ng highschool at malapit na sa kolehiyo. Nakipag-inuman, nagbilyar, pumunta sa kung saan-saan nang hindi nagpapaalam..."
I bit my lower lip and listened, "may mga nakilala akong iba't-ibang tao na itinuring ko ring kaibigan at kasama sa gimikan pero sa huli'y wala lang pala iyon sa kanila. Hindi ako nag-iisip, bata pa at mapusok. Ako ang dahilan ng unang atake ni Nanay sa high blood."
I saw the visible regret on his eyes, "sising-sisi ako, Sib. Si Nanay na lang ang pamilya ko pero puro kagaguhan pinaggagawa ko sa buhay. Kinausap ako ni Sir Jer matapos, sinabi niyang nakikita niya ang potensyal ko at naniniwala siya sa akin..." he chuckled lowly, his lip twitching.
"Akalain mo 'yon? Nagtitiwala siya sa akin? Pinakita niya ang mga ginawa ni Papa no'ng buhay pa siya kaya naisip ko si Nanay. Nagsikap akong muli at iniwan ang mga kaibigan, wala akong pakialam kung magalit man sila at iniisip lang ang Nanay. Maayos naman ang buhay ko pagkatapos, nakatapos ng high school at nasa unang taon ng kolehiyo na nang may dumating..."
My heart thumped louder. Napatitig siya sa akin at kumislap ang mata, binasa ang labi at sinuklay ang buhok niya.
"Si..." tunog nahihirapan siya bago humawak sa kanyang batok. "Si Fritz..."
"She's your daughter..." I concluded and bit my inner cheek.
"Alam mo..." kumislap ang gulat sa mata niya, "Sibyl..."
"You two looked alike. It's okay, continue..." tumungo ako at marahang kinuha ang kamay sa kanya para kurutin.
He stiffened. I felt how scared he was but he didn't pull my palm back and just let me be.
"May tawag sa ospital. May iniwan daw para sa akin k-kapag 'di ko kukunin ay ipapaampon." Humugot siya ng hininga, "kasama ko si Nanay no'ng pumunta tapos nakita namin si Fritz. Unang tingin pa lang, naramdaman kong akin. Premature pinanganak a-at... iniwan lang siya ro'n pagkatapos, sinabing tawagan ako. Iniwan niya 'yong bata na parang tuta... ni hindi binigyan ng pangalan."
My eyes watered. When I glanced at him, I caught a tear on his cheek. Nakakuyom ang kamay niya habang nakatitig sa kawalan.
He's aching and I am aching, too. For them.
"Kinuha namin si Fritz. Hindi lang dahil responsibilidad ko siya, dahil mahal ko siya. Alam ko ang pakiramdam na maiwan ng magulang sa murang edad pero si Fritz, ayaw kong maranasan niya ang gano'ng sakit. Si Nanay ang nagbantay, pinakilala niya si Fritzy bilang kapatid ko—iniisip ng lahat na ampon siya. Ako... ako ayos lang sa akin na malaman nilang anak ko si Fritz pero ayaw ni Nanay na maapektuhan ang pag-aaral ko. Ayaw niyang lumaki si Fritz at malalamang wala siyang Mama kasi iniwan lang siyang gano'n..."
Mas napaluha lang ako nang makita ang sakit sa mga mata niya.
"Her mother... you knew her?"
"Kilala ko ang pangalan at mukha pero hindi na ang iba..." umiling siya.
"W-Won't you look for her?" I asked despite my raging and pained heart, thinking of possibilities.
"Para saan pa? Pagkatapos niyang iwan ng gano'n lang si Fritz? Hindi..." umiling siya, "hindi ko siya ibibigay kahit kanino... dito lang siya sa akin."
I nodded, clenching my fist. I cursed that irresponsible mother inside my head.
"Nasanay na rin akong tinuturing na kapatid si Fritz kaso nakakapanghina pa rin kapag nakikita siyang mahina sa sakit niya. Kung p'wede ko lang ipagpalit ang buhay naming dalawa, gagawin ko. Para lang wala siyang sakit. K-Kahit ako na lang sana. Hindi na 'yong a-anak ko..."
I couldn't stop myself anymore. Like what he did to me, I cradled him on my arms while he cried like a small boy. He buried his face on my shoulder and cried while caging my small body with his large one.
"I'm s-sorry if I was selfish, wanting you to be mine when I'm fucked, too." He trembled, "s-sorry kasi gustong-gusto kita—hindi, m-mahal na mahal kita, Sib. Simula no'ng nakita kita p-palagi na akong nagmamasid sa 'yo. N-Nag-aantay na baka mapansin mo 'ko pero nakakahiya... nakakahiya kasi wala pa akong napapatunayan pero naghahangad na ako sa 'yo."
"Sol..."
"Naging makasarili ako simula no'ng nakasama kita. Pasensya na kung sarili ko lang ang iniisip. Madali akong nasanay sa saya kapag nand'yan ka. N-Ni hindi ko naisip ang ganito at m-masakit man ay tatanggapin ko kung ayaw mo..." humugot siya ng hininga at mas ibinaon ang mukha sa balikat ko. "Kung ayaw mo na sa akin, naiintindihan ko..."
He moved away from me after taking my palms.
"Mahal kita, Sibyl. Makasarili pero g-gusto kong akin ka lang... na dito ka lang. Desidido akong magsikap para may maipagmalaki sa 'yo pero irerespeto ko kung n-natatakot ka. Kung ayaw mo. Alam kong ayaw mo ng anak at si Fritz..." his eyes are bloodshot. "M-Mahal ka namin ni Fritz pero tatanggapin namin k-kung ayaw mo na... kung..."
My eyes widened when he slowly dropped his knees on the ground to kneel in front of me while still grasping my palm and kissing it with tears on his eyes.
"S-Sol!"
"Marami pang lalaking mas maganda ang magiging kinabukasan mo, masakit pero t-tatanggapin ko, Sibyl. S-Sorry kung hindi ko sinabi kaagad sa 'yo dahil natatakot ako, natatakot na baka mas maaga kang lumayo kaya naging makasarili ako sa atensyon mo..."
"S-Solomon!" my lips trembled upon seeing him. "Tumayo ka d-d'yan..."
"P-Pero k-kung sakaling p'wede at kayang magmakaawa sabihin mo lang kasi..." inangat niya ang lumuluhang mata sa akin. "K-Kasi handa akong lumuhod, Sib. Luluhod ako para magkaawa kung p-p'wede pa. Mahal na mahal talaga kita. Parang-awa mo na, b-baka p'wede pa..."
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