5.0
Whether this is a fish tank or an ocean, I don't care
I'm in your arms and if this goes forever
Even if I'm the second to your first
If you can light a fire in my heart that has cooled
(Jiwon)
I had, too many a time, asked myself whether I should find a way out of this. Whether I should save myself from those unnecessary and mushy feelings that boys never talk about, let alone think about each other. Whether I should simply confront the very familiar face whose features I could imagine vividly without cracking my eyes open, and say outright that I wanted to draw clearer boundaries between the two of us.
The answer should have been so simple, so obvious, yes, and that's it. But. There was always a but.
But I couldn't go ahead and lie to myself without blinking, that I didn't love the way I could casually wrap my arm around his shoulders out of blue, because we were great friends. And I couldn't hide how happy I was when I noticed that his shoulders would immediately relax into my embrace, because we were just a tad bit greater than great friends. There was no good reason to deny that I treasured every tiny little thing we could do for one another as great great friends, yet at the back of my mind, I was always aware that certain things, such as a longing look and a lingering touch, couldn't be simply justified under the name of friendship. One moment I wished he would stop stepping back and forth at the boundaries we were supposed to have, and the next I wished there weren't any boundaries to begin with at all. I wanted to say something so badly, yet I didn't know how words could ever explain the way I feel.
Why was I being so indecisive, you may say. Why was I no longer the crazy beast who risked his whole youth to gain the opportunity to stand on stage, who rapped his heart out as though every performance was the last, you may ask. No, I was still the same daring person in the pursuit of my passion, but Hanbin just happened to be a completely different case. He was too pure and too fragile that I couldn't risk losing him. Knowing that one wrong word slipped from me could bet all that we were and all that we could ever be together on nothing, I made a promise to myself to forever hold my peace, and bury all my broken pieces behind the constant smile on my lips, just so that his shall forever shine, far more dazzling than the morning sky.
I would never have considered going back on that promise, until one day, he simply called my name in the same soft tone of every other day, making all hells suddenly break loose.
-Who is your ideal type?
-Kim Jiwon...
I was half dozing off and trying to fight back my drowsiness in yet another TV show recording of the day when I heard him and his gentle soothing voice. The voice which I found the most endearing was declaring something I could never imagine hearing even in my wildest dream.
I almost jumped out of my seat in surprise. What?
-... I like watching her drama a lot, especially "Fight for my way"!
Oh?
Oh.
Of course.
But hey, ouch.
The rest of the talkshow kind of went straight over my head. I had no other recollection of it, whatsoever, and I was sure that it wasn't merely because I was sleepy.
I was just... uncomfortable. Of course his answer was perfect in the show business perspective. He mentioned an up-and-coming, talented and gorgeous actress and expressed his admiration just like any other young man in his twenties would. His adorable fanboy side would make him more relatable and genuine in front of the press and improve his public image, which was a good thing for him and the rest of the group. I would have totally been proud of him for dealing so well with personal questions any other day, but of all the possible TV personalities he could have mentioned, why did he have to choose one whose name was exactly like mine? Did he have to startle me that way? Was it yet another a coincidence, or had it all been part of his plan?
Why wouldn't I just ask him, you must be wondering. But how was I supposed to ask if he had thought of me, even just for a split second, when he said her name? Would he think of me as a freak or would he just give me a very sorry look in the eyes?
I needed neither of those things, thank you very much. I might be foolish, but I was prideful. At least prideful enough not to yet again make that much of a fool out of myself.
However, not asking meant that I had to figure out my thoughts and emotions on my own, which you should have noticed by now that I was not the best at.
I knew enough to know that I had felt differently towards him for a long, long time. I used to think that the only reason that made him more precious to me than anyone else in such a big and crowded city like Seoul was plainly because he was always around to comfort me whenever I was too homesick during our trainee days. I felt the most myself in his presence and that should be it. That should be enough to sum up how I felt about him.
But boy I was wrong. It took me so many years of raging confusion to realize and accept that I had been mistaken all along. It finally dawned on me, after sleepless nights of wrestling with my own feelings, that he might be even more precious to me than I had given him credit for.
I didn't simply want to give him occasional brotherly hugs. I loved it so much better when we shared a long embrace and by the end of which our heartbeats would move in sync.
I didn't simply get a warm feeling all over my body every time he cracked a small smile. I was willing to go out of my way to make sure that no one and nothing could ever dull the spark in his eyes.
I didn't simply call him at midnights because I was hungry, or lonely, or both. I called him because I wanted to know that he was doing okay with the heavy workload that he had, that he was taking good care of himself, and that he didn't have to deal with the pressure all by himself.
I didn't simply let him hold my hand because of the empty spaces in between my fingers. I knew that it was only his fingers that mine were missing and that no one and nothing else but him could have saved me from the holes in my heart.
Such was a hard thing to come to terms with, yet as I placed all the puzzle pieces that were my messy feelings in the correct order, the whole picture came together and became painfully clear, that I loved him so much more than I would have ever admitted. It wasn't the love between friends or brothers, neither was it the love between soulmates or lovers. I was clueless of what we were. Hell, I was the fool who was clueless of most things that concerned complex human feelings. But if there were one thing I could be certain of, regardless of how he felt about me and how everyone felt about us, it would be that I was deeply, truly and unconditionally in love with him, far more than how much I thought I would ever be capable of loving someone else.
There, I said it, I loved him. The problem was that I was never supposed to love him in such way in the very first place. I should have resisted it, I should have denied it. I did try, but attempts after attempts and still, I continued to find myself wounded and helplessly defeated.
Oh dear Lord, what had I gotten myself into?
It all circled back to the one most important question that I had done my best to avoid: Should I fight back my feelings, or should just I give in?
And then I realized that the question wasn't about me anymore. My feelings were about him. My feelings concerned him. Therefore, the question should be about him, and about whether or not he would have wanted me to love him like that.
Needless to say, the answer was a big clear no to me. Of course he wouldn't want me to love him like that. He needed that kind of love, sure, but not now, and most definitely not from me. That was why I came to the conclusion that whether what I felt about him was truly love or simply a delusion, it needed to stop. Of course I would continue to love him, but I would need to love him under the dark and leave him with enough space so that he didn't feel the burden of having to reciprocate my feelings. I wanted us to be friends, truly friends once again, and I was doing everything that I could so that the next time our eyes met, I wouldn't find a whole glistening constellation within his orbs anymore.
I was so confident in pulling through with getting over him that I almost forgot the one biggest flaw in my otherwise perfect plan: I was a complete loser for his gorgeous smile.
And as though he knew my weakness, as though he knew it all along, it only took him a week to notice that I was being more distant than before, and another one to approach me with a gorgeous-as-ever yet somewhat exhausted smile hanging carelessly at the corner of his lips. His eyes were filled with concerned, yet his voice was full of frustration,
-Bobby hyung, just look at me, look at me!
Once again, he made everything seem so unsure to me. I wasn't sure if my plan was correct, let alone any perfect. I wasn't even sure of myself anymore in that moment. But he didn't have to know that, he didn't have to know how weak I was under his spell. As I swallowed down a lump in my throat, I bored my eyes into his nonchalantly, making like I wouldn't be held captive inside there this time, and stated matter-of-factly,
-I am. I am already looking at you.
-Please don't turn away, and tell me what's wrong.
This time he sounded like he was begging. I swore I could hear a hint of desperation in his voice. I hated it so bad when he sounded like that, because it meant that I hadn't done my best to protect him from the constant sadness and melancholy crashing in his eyes. I felt so defeated that I didn't want to try any longer. All I wanted to do was to give in. Like a willing victim, I nodded my head yes immediately, knowing that it could only get worse from here for both of us. Confronting an enemy was said to never be easy, yet no one had ever told me that it could be so hard confronting the one I held the most dearly to my heart.
The staring contest started to get to me. From the very beginning, I knew I was going to lose, yet I still came in for it, simply because I couldn't even bother to put myself through the trouble of resisting the simple joy of a few seconds of looking at Hanbin.
What was I thinking when I thought that I could get over him?
Foolish me, I hoped I wasn't being too obvious.
-Why do your eyes sparkle so much?
Before I could even listen to myself, I blurted out.
As soon as I said it, I instantly regretted my words. I was being too obvious. I was once again the fool I always tried not to be. Damn it. Considering the bewildered look plastered all over his face, I knew that he too was taken aback.
-What? Hyung, I'm asking you what's the matter.
-But why are your eyes sparkling so much right now? - I insisted, knowing that I had blown everything up anyways, and that this might be the only chance I would ever get to uncover the truth on his side.
-Because I am looking at you, that's why. Now can you please let me know what is bugging you, because I really hate seeing you like this.
"Why do your eyes only sparkle when you look at me?"
I wanted to ask him that question so badly, yet courage left me as soon as I tried to open my mouth. There was millions of answers he could have given me for that question, yet only one was what I was looking for. I was so afraid of how broken I might be were I to know his final answer, that I thought it was for the better that I kept myself in the dark from the secrets of his heart, forever and always.
As my thought traced back to his question, I couldn't help but sigh. Oh my Hanbin. My dear Hanbin. Did he really have to make it hard for the two of us? Either way, I was screwed. If I explained my side of the story, he would totally be weirded out. If I chose not to let him know, he would be upset at me for hiding things from him. And I would be totally upset at myself as well for making him feel upset. It was a lose-lose situation for me. I didn't really have much of a choice to make things right, did I?
-Do you really want to know? What I have to say will change us forever. We won't be able to go back to where we are now.
-Hyung, look at me, carefully, and then look at the reflection of yourself inside my eyes, where do you think we are right now? Nowhere! I'm not trying to make you feel sorry, but it really does hurt me when you're being like this! You think I wouldn't notice how differently you are acting around me these days, don't you? I know we have our problems, I know I am getting busier and busier and sometimes it seems like I'm ignoring you, but I never do that on purpose, and you are so, so important to me. So just please, please don't ever forget what I said.
He bursted out, all of sudden, and quickly withdrew his firm hold on my hands. He was always the one who made the first move on me, and for the first time in forever, he did everything he could not to look at me.
Although it took me quite a while to absorb in all that he said, along with the fact that he looked so adorable being flushed that I got distracted, I finally found the right words to say, or at least that was what I thought to myself,
-You're important to me as well.
-That's not gonna help you get out of trouble.
-Hanbin, what does that even mean? Are you mad at me?
-Jiwon, does the sun rise in the east and set in the west?
-That question is too obvious, why are you asking?
-Your question is too obvious, why are you asking? Of course yes, of course I'm mad at you, why else would I be shouting like crazy?
I examined his red cheeks burning from anger with me, and then I raked my brains, frantically trying to find the solution for the problem I had been stuck at for years. As though it was destined in our stars, right then and there, a light bulb moment came over me, and finally, everything seemed so simple and so clear. I wondered why it took me so much time to figure it out.
Excited and relieved, I grinned warmly at him,
-Hey, you know what, listen. I think I know how to make this work.
-I'm listening. You have a minute.
-No I'm serious. I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings for the past few weeks and I swear I have no ideas, otherwise I wouldn't dare. I thought what I was doing was the best for us, but now I know I'm wrong and I am so, so sorry. Please hear me out.
-Okay, you are forgiven. But you still have a lot of explaining to do about that whole weird avoiding my eyes sort of thing.
-I'm not sure if I can explain that to you right now, but I know something else that may work as well. This can be a lot to ask, but can you answer me a few questions? Only give me yes and no. Tell me to stop whenever you feel uncomfortable. I promise it will make sense in the end.
-Alright, but you had better make sense like you promised you would.
-Do you like to spend time with me?
-Yes.
-Are you aware of how affectionate you seem towards me?
-Yes.
-Do you know that my annoyance at your skinship in front of the camera is only to protect you?
-Yes.
-Do you know that the way you look at me seem different? I mean, really different, from the way that you look at Jinan hyung, Yunhyeong, Donghyuk, June, or Chanwoo?
-Yes. That one is intentional, I don't think I need to explain myself.
-Of course you don't have to. I love it when you look at me like that. Anyways, do you know that I like you in a different way?
-Yes.
-Do you really?
-Yes. Yes. Yes. I know exactly what you're talking about. I am a songwriter, hyung. It's my thing to be sensitive to the feelings of others and my own.
-You know, for the record, I do write songs as well but I don't... Nevermind. Last question. Do you like me too?
-I like Kim Jiwon a lot.
-Which one?
-The actress, of course. Why are you even asking? Haven't you been listening to my interview answers?
-Of course I have.
-Now, don't look so disappointed. Haven't I mentioned that you are my close second favourite? - He said, with a wide grin. His eyes were shining so bright, as though he was trying to tell me something else.
He seemed so sure.
I paused for a second, letting his words sink in.
-Alright, I guess I will settle for being your second favourite. Just so you know, you are the first on my list.
-Of course I am. As if I would let anyone be your first anyways.
I couldn't help chuckling at how childish he sounded. I had missed us like this a lot.
At the end of the day, I could never be too sure about his side of the story, but I didn't mind. He was burying his face into the crook of my neck to hide his red ears, I was patting his back to comfort him while doing a pretty bad job at controlling my own heartbeat, and I couldn't think of a moment more perfect than that.
We didn't have to settle for being either just friends or lovers. We didn't need a definite label to hold each other's hand. I didn't need him to confirm that he had feelings for me too. He was by my side, since the very first day, and together, we were eager to conquer the whole world. The kingdom of Hanbin and Jiwon was always there, no matter how many time we mistakenly and heartlessly buried it down with each of our own sorrow and despair. And if day by day we would just put a little effort in holding on to the other person's hand, regardless of what the world might have for us, everything was going to be okay. There was nothing more I would have asked for, other than that everytime I turned to my side, I could always find that one very particular smile that I had grown to love.
_____
A/N: Hey guys, I'm back! I'm so sorry that it took me quite a long time to complete this, but I make it longer than usual, so I hope you like it! As you may have guessed by now, yes, this is the very last chapter. Thank you so much for the kind support you guys have given me from the start. I hope you have enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Give me a star and let me know your thought! Criticism is welcomed as long as it is constructive and kind!
Until next time, my fellow iKONICs. x
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