Untitled Part 25
HOW MANY TIMES HAD I SAID THOSE words? Kill this fool.
We gods bandied about statements like that all the time, but we never gave thought to the cost. Like, actual fools may die . And in this situation, that fool was me.
A millisecond's scan of the room showed me ten enemies in various states of readiness. In the far corner, four Germani were scrunched together on a broken-down sofa, eating Chinese food from takeaway boxes. Three technicians sat in swivel chairs, manning control consoles. They were human security, each with a sidearm, but they were too focused on their work to be an immediate threat. A mortal guard stood right next to me, looking surprised that I'd just pushed through the door he was monitoring. Oh, hello! A second guard stood across the room, blocking the other exit. That left just the Germanus leader, who was now rising from his chair, drawing his sword.
So many questions flashed through my mind.
What did the mortal technicians see through the Mist?
How would I get out of here alive?
How did Leader Guy sit comfortably in that swivel chair while wearing a sword?
Was that lemon chicken I smelled, and was there enough for me?
I was tempted to say, Wrong room , close the door and beat it down the hall. But since the technicians had just been ordered to burn down the city, that wasn't an option.
'STOP!' I sang out of instinct. 'IN THE NAME OF LOVE!'
Everyone froze – maybe because my voice had magic powers, or maybe because I was horribly off-key. I bowpunched the guy next to me in the face. If you have never been punched by a fist holding a bow, I do not recommend it. The experience is like being hit with brass knuckles, except it hurts the archer's fingers much more. Door Guy #1 went down.
Across the room, Door Guy #2 raised his gun and fired. The bullet sparked off the door next to my head.
Fun fact from a former god who knows acoustics: if you fire a gun in an enclosed space, you have just deafened everyone in that room. The technicians flinched and covered their ears. The Germani's Chinese-takeaway boxes went flying. Even Leader Guy stumbled half out of his chair.
My ears ringing, I drew my bow and shot two arrows at once – the first knocking the gun out of Door Guy #2's hand, the second pinning his sleeve to the wall. Yes, this exarchery god still had some moves!
The technicians returned their attention to their controls. The Chinese-food contingent tried to extract themselves from their sofa. Leader Guy charged me, his sword in both hands, pointed directly at my soft underbelly.
'Ha-ha!' I initiated a home-plate slide. In my mind, the manoeuvre had seemed so simple: I would glide effortlessly across the floor, avoiding Leader Guy's thrust, veering between his legs as I fired at multiple targets from a supine position. If Orlando Bloom could do it in Lord of the Rings , why couldn't I?
I neglected to consider that this floor was carpeted. I fell flat on my back and Leader Guy tripped over me, barrelling headfirst into the wall.
I did get off one shot – an arrow that skimmed across the nearest technician's control panel and knocked him out of his chair in surprise. I rolled aside as Leader Guy turned and hacked at me. Having no time to nock another arrow, I pulled one out and jabbed it into his shin.
Leader Guy howled. I scrambled to my feet and jumped onto the bank of control consoles.
'Back off!' I yelled at the technicians, doing my best to aim one arrow at all three of them.
Meanwhile, the Chinese Food Four were fumbling with their swords. Door Guy #2 had tugged his sleeve free of the wall and was hunting around for his pistol.
One of the technicians reached for his gun.
'NOPE!' I fired a warning arrow, impaling the seat of his chair a millimetre from his crotch. I was loath to harm hapless mortals (wow, I really wrote that sentence), but I had to keep these guys away from the naughty buttons that would destroy New York.
I nocked three more arrows at once and did my best to look threatening. 'Get out of here! Go!'
The technicians looked tempted – it was, after all, a very fair offer – but their fear of me was apparently not as great as their fear of the Germani.
Still growling in pain from the arrow in his leg, Leader Guy yelled, 'Do your job!'
The technicians lunged towards their naughty buttons. The four Germani charged me.
'Sorry, guys.' I split my arrows, shooting each technician in the foot, which I hoped would keep them distracted long enough for me to deal with the Germani.
I blasted the closest barbarian into dust with an arrow to the chest, but the other three kept coming. I leaped into their midst: bow-punching, elbow-jabbing, arrow-poking like a maniac. With another lucky shot, I took down a second Chinese-food eater, then wrestled free long enough to throw a chair at Door Guy #2, who had just located his gun. One of the metal legs knocked him out cold.
Two lemon-chicken-splattered Germani remained. As they charged, I ran between them with my bow horizontal, at face level, smacking them each in the nose. They staggered back as I fired two more shots, point-blank. It wasn't very sporting, but it was effective. The Germani collapsed into piles of dust and sticky rice.
I was feeling pretty smug ... until someone hit me in the back of the head. The room went red and purple. I crumpled to my hands and knees, rolled over to defend myself and found Leader Guy standing over me, the tip of his sword in my face.
'Enough,' he snarled. His leg was soaked in blood, my arrow still stuck through his shin like a Halloween gag. He barked at the technicians, 'START THOSE PUMPS!'
In a last desperate attempt to intervene, I sang, 'DON'T DO ME LIKE THAT!' in a voice that would have made Tom Petty cringe.
Leader Guy dug his sword point into my Adam's apple. 'Sing one more word and I will cut out your vocal cords.'
I frantically tried to think of more tricks I could pull. I'd been doing so well. I couldn't give up now. But lying on the floor, exhausted and battered and buzzing from adrenalin burnout, my head started to spin. My vision doubled. Two Leader Guys floated above me. Six blurry technicians with arrows in their shoes limped back to their control panels.
'What's the hold-up?' yelled Leader Guy.
'W-we're trying, sir,' said one of the techs. 'The controls aren't... I can't get any readings.'
Both of Leader Guy's blurry faces glared down at me. 'I'm glad you're not dead yet. Because I'm going to kill you slowly.'
Strangely, I felt elated. I may even have grinned. Had I somehow short-circuited the control panels when I stomped across them? Cool! I might die, but I had saved New York!
'Try unplugging it,' said the second tech. 'Then plug it back in.'
Clearly, he was the senior troubleshooter for 1-555-ASKEVIL.
Tech #3 crawled under the table and rummaged with cords.
'It won't work!' I croaked. 'Your diabolical plan has been foiled!'
'No, we're good now,' announced Tech #1. 'Readings are nominal.' He turned to Leader Guy. 'Shall I –?'
'WHY ARE YOU EVEN ASKING?' Leader Guy bellowed. 'DO IT!'
'No!' I wailed.
Leader Guy dug his sword point a little deeper into my throat, but not enough to kill. Apparently, he was serious about wanting a slow death for me.
The technicians punched their naughty buttons. They stared at the video monitors expectantly. I said a silent prayer, hoping the New York metropolitan area would forgive me my latest, most horrible failure.
The techs fiddled with buttons some more.
'Everything looks normal,' said Tech #1, in a puzzled tone that indicated everything did not look normal.
'I don't see anything happening,' said Leader Guy, scanning the monitors. 'Why aren't there flames? Explosions?'
'I – I don't understand.' Tech #2 banged his monitor. 'The fuel isn't ... It's not going anywhere.'
I couldn't help it. I began to giggle.
Leader Guy kicked me in the face. It hurt so much I had to giggle even harder.
'What did you do to my fire vats?' he demanded. 'What did you do?'
'Me?' I cackled. My nose felt broken. I was bubbling mucus and blood in a way that must have been extremely attractive. 'Nothing!'
I laughed at him. It was just so perfect. The thought of dying here, surrounded by Chinese food and barbarians, seemed absolutely perfect. Either Nero's doomsday machines had malfunctioned all by themselves, I had done more damage to the controls than I'd realized, or somewhere deep beneath the building, something had gone right for a change, and I owed every troglodyte a new hat.
The idea made me laugh hysterically, which hurt a great deal.
Leader Guy spat. 'Now, I kill you.'
He raised his sword ... and froze. His face turned pale. His skin began to shrivel. His beard fell out whisker by whisker like dead pine needles. Finally, his skin crumbled away, along with his clothes and flesh, until Leader Guy was nothing but a bleached-white skeleton, holding a sword in his bony hands.
Standing behind him, his hand on the skeleton's shoulder, was Nico di Angelo.
'That's better,' Nico said. 'Now stand down.'
The skeleton obeyed, lowering its sword and stepping away from me.
The technicians whimpered in terror. They were mortals, so I wasn't sure what they thought they'd just seen, but it was nothing good.
Nico looked at them. 'Run away.'
They fell all over each other to comply. They couldn't run very well with arrows in their feet, but they were out of the door faster than you could say, Holy Hades, that dude just turned Leader Guy into a skeleton.
Nico frowned down at me. 'You look awful.'
I laughed weakly, bubbling snot. 'I know, right?' My sense of humour didn't seem to reassure him. 'Let's get you out of here,' Nico said. 'This whole building is a combat zone, and our job isn't done.'
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