String the Sinner by His Wings
Notes:
hey so this is a bleh all over my word doc lmao bc i was sad and then i started writing and this just came out of my head
i will say this is really sad. it wasn't my intention to make it anything but sad, so it's more just a continuous flow of sadness throughout the whole thing.
it shows a harsh reality that no one else seems to look at.
anyways- just a general tw for graphic descriptions and such revolving around suicide!
stay safe <3
Work Text:
"You okay, Tor?"
Precisely four weeks, seven hours, and thirteen minutes ago Tallulah tried to kill herself. She had a downward spiral that eventually led her to slice-and-dice herself in her bathtub, that had been so rudely interrupted by her nosy mother.
She stayed in psychiatric care for two weeks, most of those days spent dwelling on the fact she, once again, was a failure at something. Although, despite not feeling better, she knew that if she really wanted to kill herself she had to do it the right way. It was a bad enough stay that it made her regret not cutting deeper.
Now, she had these ugly, white bandages on her arms, cuts that would leave a giant nasty scar from her wrist to elbow.
If she dissociates long enough, she can remember her mother screams for her father to call an ambulance. She can remember the sound of the flatline that was almost like an out-of-body experience. Tallulah can remember the confused dreamlike state she was in for three days post suicide attempt (coma, correction, she was in a coma). All the fake attempts from people who knew her trying to get her to wake up.
Yunjin, her long term boyfriend, obviously had kept it real. Told her straight on that it was an idiotic thing for her to do, and if she needed someone to talk to he was there for her. Tor knew Yunjin was scared deep down.
Tallulah really wished everyone would stop caring.
That people would stop with the fake kindness, the pity of her being a messed up seventeen year old who had too many issues to uncover. Therapists had requested to not work with her, doctors said there was nothing they could do, her only option was to become a walking zombie because of all the shitty medication they prescribed her.
Tallulah had about twenty unused bottles of the same shit, for it being her bipolar, ptsd, and some stupid fucking anorexia meds her doctors forced on her. She wasn't even anorexic, she just happened to not want to eat or do anything that involved getting to a healthy weight.
She just didn't care. Tallulah never cared, when she wasn't having a meltdown or a panic attack, her brain completely disconnected from reality. Her spurts of paranoia and tics were only a figment of Tor finally coming back down to earth.
Her father called her psychotic, but it wasn't like he didn't play a part in why he was so fucked up. R.T, the fucked up methhead who refuses to believe he's bipolar and shit. Everyone knew that. Her father just hated being wrong.
And her mom- who even cares. She put on such a front that she doesn't even know who she is half the time, being so giddy, ditsy, and giving was all she was. Tor genuinely couldn't remember the last time, besides the scream-crying from her suicide attempt, that her mother did anything but smile and pretend their family was perfect.
Tallulah didn't want to be alive.
What was there to be alive for?
Was there a true purpose or was she simply just going about living knowing there was no beautiful purpose? Tallulah reeled forwards and grabbed her head.
"Tallulah, answer your mother," her dad said, not bothering to glance up from his newspaper.
The coffee he was drinking was more interesting than his daughter.
"I want out," Tallulah whispered, "I should've died. Why didn't you let me die?"
"It would make our image look bad," her dad shrugged, "Would you rather we sell you?"
"What is wrong with you guys," Tallulah shot her head up, "You guys are awful! It's only about how you guys look! You drug me up until I'm a walking zombie because you're embarrassed by me!"
"We never said that," her mother rolled her eyes, "Our shop is really important, you should make your parents happy."
The silence that follows is not silent for Tallulah. Thousands of drums are banging against the walls, the room grows to an extreme. She's so small and her parents become giants; large, dark eyes boring down into her.
What breaks the curse, is the harsh squeak of her wooden chair against the tiles. It's so much force the chair clatters against the ground. Tor slams her hands against the table.
"I hate you!" Tallulah yells, "Both of you! I want out!"
Her mother sighs deeply, "This tantrum is because you won't take your antipsychotics."
"I'm not psychotic!" Tallulah says, "I'm not!"
Her chest is too heavy for a functional breath, Tor is so quick on his feet that she doesn't realize she's down two blocks until she's standing at the park. It's the halfway mark between her house and Yunjin's.
Tallulah didn't even grab her phone. She doesn't really care about it,
For a moment she thinks about jumping in front of someone's car. It's not a highway though, so the fastest anyone would be going through this area was probably twenty miles an hour. It wouldn't kill her.
Tallulah really wants to die.
Seventeen years on this earth and she's never had a good day. Something or someone ruins it, her brain has become mush from the drugs her parents force down her throat. Tor doesn't even know if she's human anymore.
She looks at her forearms, the bandages lightly peek through cuffs of her hoodie. It would be easy to rip the bandages off and just redo it. Maybe if she was alone, locked the door, and sunk below the tub water before she passed out it would work.
There could be some tragic incident. Local girl hangs himself in the park. Maybe someone would break loose from prison and shoot her in the head. Or she could shoot herself in the head. Tor doesn't think she'd have good aim though. She'd shake too much and shoot the ceilings and perhaps accidentally shoot her mom or dad because their room is right above her.
Tallulah wonders what would happen if she parents just fucking died. She'd be alone. No more manipulation or abuse. Maybe they'd die at the hands of their own daughter, and she'd have to kill herself or spend the rest of her days locked up and then electrocuted to death.
Wait, that's not a legal thing anymore.
Huh.
A stale, monotonous voice breaks her intrusive thoughts.
"Tor, why aren't you at home?"
Tor looks at her confused boyfriend. Who stands so tall and handsome, and laughs.
"My parents."
"Figured," Yunjin shrugged, "Where's your jacket?"
"Dunno."
"I was going to come and ask you to hang out, because you didn't answer my calls or texts," Yunjin says.
"I don't have my phone on me."
"I messaged you, like, an hour and a half ago?"
Tor blinks, had it really been that long? She can't tell, it's only midday so it's not like the sun would tell her.
But she did have her phone at the dining table, next to her bowl of mac and cheese her parents forced her to have.
She would've seen Yunjin's text.
"I didn't see them."
"How long have you been out here?"
"Dunno."
"Tor, are you on your meds?"
"Nope."
"Why?"
"You want me to be a walking zombie?" Tallulah chuckles, "Sure. I'll pop them all at once."
"That's not a funny joke," Yunjin sputters, "You'd kill yourself."
Tor shrugs. It's all she can do.
"Want to go back to my house?" Yunjin says, "My parents aren't home."
Tallulah raises her eyebrows, "So we'd be alone?"
"Yeah," Yunjin smiles at her.
Tallulah allows Yunjin to her hand.
She doesn't get Yunjin. One moment Yunjin is a worried mother, pestering her to take care of herself, force feeding her, telling her off for being dark. The next moment he's suggestive, wants to have sex, and pretends Tallulah isn't completely mentally unstable, and yells at her over stupid shit like telling when Tallulah says baseball isn't that interesting or using the last slice of bread for some shitty toast.
Tallulah doesn't really mind, Yunjin is her boyfriend. They've been dating for years, so Tallulah doesn't really care how Yunjin treats her. It's normal to her.
In no way is he a saint himself, he's pushy and freaks out on anyone and about anything. He's mean, off putting, and aloof. His emotions are big and one thing is always a big issue, or he's just any empty void of nothingness. Doesn't mean Yunjin doesn't bite back.
It's whatever.
It's always whatever.
Sure, they go back to Yunjin's place, watch a movie, then cook something for dinner and crash on the couch. Sure, they're cuddling and everything is okay because the Colorado Rockies just beat the LA Angels or some shit Tor doesn't care about.
Tallulah even in the sense of comfort, wishes that her was dead. She doesn't want to go back to that shithole mental hospital and listen to some random therapist tell her what everyone tells her.
It gets better!
You're so brave!
You got this!
Keep fighting!
Life is beautiful!
Good god.
Yunjin snores. Annoying.
Tallulah repositions herself and Yunjin tightens a hold around her, "Babe, relax."
"I'm relaxed."
"Nah, you're being depressed again."
"I'm not being depressed."
"You are."
"Dude," Tallulah pushes herself away from Yunjin, "I have more emotions than just being depressed."
"We fucking know," Yunjin grumbles, now more awake, "I promise."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I mean you're fucking all over the place, Tor," Yunjin groans, "You try to kill yourself and now you've been like a fucking zombie who just arose from the dead."
"I literally almost died," Tor laughs, "Sorry that I'm not fucking cheering and dancing around the house?"
"You almost died because you tried to kill yourself," Yunjin points, "You realize how fucking traumatizing it is to be shaken awake by your parents and being told your fucking girlfriend is in the ICU because she tried to kill herself?"
"Do you know how traumatizing it is to fucking close my eyes and constantly hear the sobbing and screaming from my mom? My own blood staining the bathroom?" Tallulah scoffs and rolls her eyes, "I can't fucking go in there without being reminded."
"Who's fucking fault is that?"
Tallulah finally sits herself up and stands above Yunjin, "Whatever asshole. This is the shit that I wanted to kill myself over."
"It's really not my fault you tried to kill yourself."
Tallulah leaves. She just walks out of the house and back to her own.
This isn't what she wants to deal with. So she just locks herself in her room twenty minutes later and sits on the end of her bed.
She really needs a rope.
--
Two months later, and she and Yunjin are going over their final study guides before they actually have to take them. Tor decided to actually care about what she got on the test.
Yunjin is leaning against the bed and writing something down. Tallulah is staring at his scarred wrist. It's pretty healed up by now.
"What are you thinking about?"
"Not much."
Yunjin smiles, "We can take a break."
The raven haired boy turns his body and picks up the game boy Tor had gifted him.
"Are you sure you want to give this to me?"
"Yeah, I don't use it so there's no point in keeping it," Tallulah hums, "You play more video games than I do. And you're better at it than me, so you can have it."
Yunjin raises a brow, "Thanks."
Tallulah nods.
"I'm tired."
"Since when do you sleep this early?"
"I dunno, I want to sleep," Tallulah says, "Can we?"
"I mean sure, I usually go to sleep now anyways," Yunjin replies, "I was staying up for you."
"Oh, thanks. But let's sleep."
They don't talk much afterwards, and Tallulah only hums when she's asked if she's been eating recently.
And two days later on Tuesday, she's helping her mom in the kitchen.
"You've been happy recently, are you taking your meds?"
"No, just happy," Tor shrugs, "Loving life."
Her mom looks over to her dad, "So you're not going to try and kill yourself anymore?"
"Nope."
"Good, keeping your eye out for our busin- family is good," her mom pats her head and goes to wash her hands.
Tallulah gleefully sets the table and finishes her dinner, no protest or worry about the contamination. If she lays in her bed and thinks of all the things she no longer wants, then she's got a book full. She turns her body towards the wall of her bedroom.
She gave Weds her favorite Lego set. What would she even do with it anymore? Tallulah also staryed paying for Nekoe's lunches, it was a thanks of some sort. She stayed with Yunjin a lot and told him that she loved him so much- which probably did nothing to Yunjin.
When she looks closely at her wall, she giggles a bit.
She distinctly remembers when she was a kid and she would draw stars on it with a pen.
Her hand is firm on the wall and if she squints she can see the faint outlines of them. Back when she was a kid, despite having a bad upbringing, she still tried to be a happy and fun kid. It was before everything started going wrong, before her big emotions caught up with her childlike mindset.
Tor should've assumed the first nightmare she had would be the downfall. She really can't remember anything good after she dreamed about being locked in a box beneath the water.
Slowly filling up and there was nothing she could do, it was filling up so painfully slow. Her body jolted awake at the halfway mark.
In a way she gets it now- the box filling up with water, the fact it didn't fill up all the way. The fact she's still alive and awaiting for the box to completely fill up. There's nothing she can do. She's trapped. There's no way out.
Yunjin is mad at her for some reason. Tor doesn't know anymore. She can't remember what she did yesterday. Or a few hours ago, for some reason.
Tor sits up in her bed and walks over to her desk, she pulls out her notebook and begins to write random things that come to her mind. It's weird, maybe one day her words would be published into a book. They'd be the best seller for non-fiction.
A weight is settling on her shoulders as hands creep onto her and try to shake her. Are they trying to wake her? Before Tor trudges over to her bed, she goes to lock her door. Keeps the monsters out, right? But it was already locked, so Tor just sighs and collapses back on her bed and looks up.
Tor tried texting Yunjin, but he wasn't answering because the bubbles were green, which probably meant that Yunjin blocked her. Whatever anyways. They always end up sorting it out.
The shadow illuminating from the closet is horrifying to her, but she doesn't really care about the monsters that are already in her room.
She falls asleep.
When she wakes up, she goes to the kitchen. Her mom is quietly making food and paying no mind to anything, her father's drinking his coffee and not reading the newspaper. He's just sipping and staring off into nothingness.
Tor blinks and looks at the door. She's not hungry at all, so she just grabs her backpack and heads for the door, yelling out a bye and not waiting for a response.
She walks alone to school, Yunjin apparently wasn't picking her up today because he was mad. It's fine.
Something felt different about today. Tor didn't care to find out, so she just heads straight into the school and doesn't talk to anyone. No one looks at him, which is good enough for her, so she goes to her locker, trying out the combination a few times. When it doesn't budge after the fifth time, she gives up and goes to class.
She's the first one there. Tor just works on homework.
It's a silent reading day so no one talks. Tor feels great about the day so far, so she decides maybe she will talk to Yunjin and sort things out.
After class she goes to find where Yunjin is.
She walks the long hallways that are a bit colder than usual, but the heating always went out in their school. So she didn't mind it. Yunjin is at his locker putting stuff away, but before Tor can go up to him, one of the student aids walks up to her and mentions something.
Yunjin follows them, and they're gone.
Tor is annoyed by it, but lets it slide.
The rest of the day is a blur- literally. She doesn't remember anything that happens. When she gets home, the house is empty and she has it to herself. Tor trudges her way to her room and finds it locked, so she has to go find a key. It's a hassle.
There is no key to be found, so instead of being able to rest in her bed for the rest of the day, she leaves the house and goes to the halfway point between her and Yunjin's house,
Usually, even if Yunjin is mad at her, he goes there and waits to see if Tor will show up. Tor usually goes there unless she tells Yunjin otherwise, so it makes sense.
They've been doing it everyday after school since elementary school, through the thick and thin. So there's no real reason Tor shouldn't see him and hopefully fix whatever happened. She can't remember doing anything to Yunjin so she rules it out as just random drama that was a misunderstanding.
Tor sits on the bench in the park and watches as the kids play with each other.
It's an oddly nostalgic feeling. Because when she was younger, that would be her and Yunjin everyday after school. She doesn't remember when they stopped.
Now that Tor thinks of it, she can't really remember anything.
It was probably a side effect of the meds she finally started taking. She hates her meds.
After an hour of waiting, there's no sign of Yunjin so she lays on the park bench and stares at the clouded sky. The sun doesn't shine anymore. That's the downfall of winter.
Despite the cold, Tor feels comfortable and relaxed. Her mind feels empty to which it never does. she feels a vibration in her pocket and quickly sits up.
It's a text from Yunjin.
Where are you?
Tor rolls her eyes, if Yunjin needed her so much he'd be at the park. Where they always meet. But she can't even text him back because her messages are still green and it's beginning to annoy her. Did her parents shut off her phone service or something?
I'm coming over.
Another text.
Tor gets up and walks back to her house, being done with the cold and the waiting. Yunjin would probably drive if he's coming over anyways.
So she trudges back to her house and opens the door with her key, then settles on the couch. It's warm, making her sigh deeply and rub a hand over her face. She was so exhausted.
She doesn't even hear the door unlock. Nor the knocking on his bedroom door.
Tor only hears when Yunjin comes back down the stairs.
"Yunjin?" Tor laughs, "I'm right here?"
Yunjin frowns. He looks around the house. Then he quickly goes back up the steps and reaches on top of the door frame. Tor watches him. There was no reaction from him. Tor was right in front of him and he was ignored.
How gentlemen like.
Then she hears it.
A sharp inhale. The stuttering of steps and Yunjin is rushing into her room.
"Oh god."
Tor walks in behind him. Her entire body is frozen in place when she looks to where yunjin is looking.
Her body.
It's hanging there, so quietly in the closet. Her hands feel so numb and she presses a hand to her throat.
Yunjin pulled her down and cradled her in his arms. She can see tears streaming down his face and his body is curled over her limp figure.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck," Yunjin says, he sound sick, "Baby, you're too cold, you're too cold."
Silence is merely a second.
"Fuck!" Yunjin sobs, he shakes Tor a bit, "Wake up, wake up, why did you do it?"
The scar on her neck is prominent and her entire body is ghostly white. Purplish hues on her. She's not breathing. Her body looks disgusting. Morbid. Awful. Tor could throw up.
Yunjin pulls out his phone and shakily sighs, a cough following it and he typed in a number before holding it to his ear.
The tears on her beloved boyfriend's cheeks play no match for her unbeating heart.
"Hello?" Yunjin says, "Emergency, yes, m-my girlfriend killed herself."
It's quiet again.
"I don't know how long it's been, but her body is cold," Yunjin says shakily, "I-It had to of been hours ago!"
Tor is confused.
"I'm not calming down! My fucking girlfriend is lying dead in my arms!"
That's not really him, is it?
"How didn't anyone realize?" Yunjin whimpered, "She wasn't at school! I should've known."
Tor collapses, "But I was at school!"
Yunjin looks up at the wall, "I don't understand... just send... just send someone! Please she can't just lay here!"
It's now quiet and Tor is no longer in her room. There's no walls where she's at. There's no going back.
She can be outside her house watching her mother sob into the police officers arms and watch her dad just cross her arms. They didn't care, they would profit off of this.
Her weird lucid state was making her feel ill. Yunjin was inconsolable. He screamed at her parents for not finding her sooner, maybe she'd be alive. Maybe she'd be with Yunjin at the park like when they were kids again.
Then she's weird in an in between. She could cross over.
Tor is there when they announce her time of death, how long after? She has no idea. But she hears.
"TIME OF DEATH:
AROUND 12 AM, WEDNESDAY THE 15TH OF DECEMBER"
And it's enough to know she killed herself after dinner with her parents. After she gave his Nintendo to Yunjin. After she sat down at her desk. There must've been a time between writing whatever she did in his notebook to when she took the rope and hung herself in her closet.
That must've been the shadow she saw. It must've been herself shaking her shoulders to stop her. How could she be so naive? She was so stupid. No wonder her texts were green. No wonder she wasn't talked to by anyone. No wonder... no wonder she couldn't open her door when she got home.
Her parents didn't even check on her in the morning.
She was dead for seventeen hours without anyone knowing. The only reason she was found was because Yunjin knew where the key to her bedroom was. Yunjin was the only one who thought to check on her.
Tor hated herself. She shouldn't have killed herself. She didn't want to be dead anymore. How could she hurt Yunjin so badly? The boy did nothing but try to get her to see the reasons she should stay alive. Yunjin knew her better than she knew herself, which is why he cared so much.
She took advantage of that and still failed Yunjin.
Even if her parents didn't seem to care, even if they profited off her death, she left her friends behind. Her parents didn't matter.
She left Yunjin behind.
So why did she?
She would never have the answer.
Tor just really wishes she was alive. That she could go back to her body and it would all be a sick joke.
A ticking clock can be heard in her ears, voices of people he cares about heavy in the back of her mind. The bright white light is so blinding.
Why is the ticking so loud? Beeping? What the hell was that noise?
Tor didn't want to die anymore. She wants to go back.
But can she really go back? Can she?
The beeping overwhelms her. There's too much noise around her. So she covers her ears and closes her eyes.
And she takes a deep breath.
--
One month later
Tor is sleeping under trees then something come near and that wake her up, oh Tor can't get it why he here, he run closer to her. Yunjin shouldn't be here.
Tor didn't happy when she see her boyfriend, Yunjin, hugging her tight now.
"This might be the best ending for us" tor guess.
At least we can still be forever together.
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