Eng Viet Kimchay Come Inside Of My Heart
I hope you know that there will be someone out there who will love every piece of you, even the shattered ones. Because I care about you so much, and I love you dearly for how hard you fight.
Inspired by the song "Come Inside Of My Heart" by IV of Spades.
_______________________________Kimhan never knew the sun could cry. Until he truly gained a chance to fall in love with Porchay.
For real, this time.That was when he discovered that a person who has the prettiest smile on earth could also be the one who was diagnosed with 'Depression'.
Porchay has..... a black dog. That black dog has been accompanied Chay for eight years, years before Kimhan could ever step into his angel's life. It isn't a nicest dog. No, it's not. It tore the pieces of muscle in Chay's chest apart, left him there, gagging on his own pain.
On rainy days, Porchay would suddenly become completely quiet. He would allow himself to shut everything down around him... and basically just get lost in his own head. Porchay once said since he was a kid, every single time the Black Dog came, Chay would hide in the "planet" he created out of fear. Kimhan wishes that one day he can peak through the clouds in Porchay's head to be a part of that world - the planet that only Porchay has access to. Eventually, when Kim tried to call him and pulled into his embrace, Porchay would come back. But he wouldn't really be there.
Kim hates that. Kim hates losing Porchay to that black dog. He hates seeing him in pain. Kim hates when he can taste the sorrow in Porchay's soul during those rainy days. He hates that he will always have to pretend like he doesn't hear Porchay's heart wrenching sobs. Like a wounded child.
Kimhan knows how wounded child sound like.
Because he was one of them. Their cries fell on the floor like shattered shards of glass. And those shards of glass repeatedly pierced into his mind. It makes Kimhan wishes that he can be the one who's suffering instead of Chay. Just not his precious sunshine.
Kimhan doesn't understand things such as Fears. He technically can't because of the fact that he already committed the worst type of crime possible among the human race. He killed people. Many of them. So by now, he shouldn't be afraid of anything anymore. But why would he still feel like it was so hard to breathe, when every time those episodes came and Angel's teary eyes would look deep into his soul.
Silently, he would ask Kim:
"Will you leave that door one day and never come back, because of how hard to love I am?"
It frightened Kim.
It frightened Kim because of how calm Porchay looked when he said those words.
"People leave me all the time. They always do. First, it started with my parents. Then hia left, too. Porsche left to makes ends meet. He's still alive and breathing, but he's not fully himself anymore. To the point, I actually wondered if I ever really knew him. And then, like a cursed cruel cycle, that day when you brushed my hands off the sleeve of your jacket, I knew you would also leave.."
Porchay doe eyes looked up at Kim with so much love, the guilt creeped up in the corner of Kim's chest. It startled him, because of how fragile Porchay looked in his arms. And Kim's heart hurt for him. Kim could taste the bitterness of Porchay's sorrow when he pulled him closer for a kiss. He would clumsily and frantically kiss his forehead too. Between those kisses, he would repeat like a lullaby that he would never leave. Because he already gathered all his luck to be Chay's.
"Can you scoop me up in your arms?"
Porchay would ask. And Kim would do just that. He would cover both of them in their coziest blanket. He would let Porchay put his head next to his chest, listening to Kim's heart. The tainted heart that would only beat for him. For only his Chay.
Kimhan's heart sang its own song. And all those unspoken lyrics went straight to Porchay's raging mind. They calmed his storm down. Just like the day when he first fell in love with Kim. If you're thinking about the day when they first met on Chay's campus, then you're completely wrong. Chay fell in love with Kim so long before that, he fell in love with the singer from the first ever moment he heard his voice on the radio.
Porchay has always been a lonely kid. He could hardly remember his deceased parents. Hia said they were nice people, he would tell Porchay stories about how good their mother's cooking was and how talented their father was in engineering. They did sound like a happy family together, but Porchay was too young to remember any of that. He grew up remembered more of the rainy days than sunny days.
His uncle went gambling every time the man could. And Porsche just... wasn't really there. Porchay couldn't get mad at his brother for that. He had to be grateful, because of how much Porsche sacrificed. But Porchay also couldn't control his depressive episodes either. He couldn't control the void and the emptiness. He didn't dare to put an end to his life, knowing how terrible it would break Porsche since his brother had no family members left. But if someone gave him a chance to vanish, he wouldn't say no.
And there would be nights when he couldn't fall asleep. Porchay would blankly stare at the ceiling until his eyes went completely sore and gave up on him. Just like everybody did.
Then one night, he discovered that he could fall asleep listening to people's talking. It felt so much better, it was like Porchay could finally escape the loneliness, that he was no longer alone. He would turn on podcasts every freaking night just to get to sleep. And the night he first heard Kimhan's singing voice on the radio, Porchay burst out crying. The singer's voice was soothing and so gentle. Just like it was sent from heaven to save him from this hell he was living in. Porchay finally found his savior.
From that day on, Porchay started to do some research on this heavenly singer. The singer who saved him from the darkness and brought him back to life. For Porchay, Kim wasn't just a singer with a pretty face. His face was just a cover for his heartwarming music. Chay fell in love with WIK because of how he used his music as a platform to showcase his loneliness. Porchay knew Kim was lonely, too.
Through his songs. Porchay knew Kim was lonely.
Because only people who actually went through loneliness themselves could describe exactly how it felt like. When Porchay told Kim that story, Kim felt like he was the little mermaid in Andersen's old tale.
He felt like turning into sea foams. He felts like melting to the warmth of Porchay's tears. Speechless.
They couldn't say a word, just nuzzled closer to each other body, gravitated towards the other person's soul.
Since Kim has Porchay, he forgot how lonely he was all those years before his Chay came. Kim wrote songs about loneliness, didn't expect anyone to be able to see through it. The audiences remember him for the mesmerizing look he carries. Not because of his heartfelt stories. But Porchay saw it, and he loves Kim for it. His love is too deep, it's breathtaking.
Porchay seems to be the happiest creature on earth.
He loves to dance with the sunshine every time it peaks through their bedroom curtains. He loves to harmonize with the wind, taste the snow and being embraced by the fog. But he doesn't really enjoy the heavy drops of rain. His Porchay may seems like a bundle of joy and happiness. But he's also the loneliest person Kimhan has ever seen.
He's imperfect. And Kimhan loves him dearly for it.
Because Kimhan is broken, and Porchay fits perfectly into his cracks. Just like the flow of rivers in spring.
Porchay hates the rain. He hates the timid shadows that will always come with it. He hates those sounds the raindrops make, knocking on the window. He hates getting soaked under the rain, feeling all sore and hopeless. Kimhan can't make rain stops. Sadly, so he decides that he will be Porchay's umbrella.
Kimhan can be the umbrella for his sun. So that Porchay will stay dry and protected forever. And ever.
And... ever.
"Oh, baby
Forgive me if I hurt you
Come save me
'Cause you're the only one for me
Oh, don't you let it stop
Oh, I won't let it happen, baby I will never stop
But only if you listen to me
Come inside of my heart
If you're looking for answers
Look at the stars, go a little bit faster..."
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