Chapter 1
~ The engagement ceremony of Atsumu is taking place in a luxurious building. ~
Miya Atsumu met Hinata Shouyou on a "very" normal day. The cloudless sky, it was neither sunny nor windy. It was a quiet day.
Atsumu is a therapist who has been practicing for two years and this year, he was transfered to K hospital. If he does well in his tasks, when he is allocated in a famous hospital, his future will be bright and he will have more opportunities.
In the huge psychiatry department of K hospital, Atsumu could hear its inherent noises. Suddenly, someone bumped against his back. When he turned back and wanted to say sorry, the person already apologized profusely.
It is a small boy with yellow-orange hair like sunshine in the morning. There was a tiny white hat in his head which seemed to be a nurse's hat, but he was wearing patient clothes?
Atsumu followed him curiously because he wanted to see which task this boy was going to do.
The boy came to the patient's room. He chatted, played with them, or sometimes just sat quietly beside the patients. He acted like a real nurse. Surprisingly, the patients were really close to him, none of them had any ostracism feelings toward him.
And, Atsumu was impressed by that scene and the small boy's bright smile like the sun.
It's not like Atsumu had never seen someone smile like Shoyou before. It's because no one can smile brightly like that in the gloomy psychiatry department.
Shouyou's smile surely touches Atsumu's heart, it is not like other patient's fake smiles, it is a warm and healing smile. But there is something in Shouyou's smile that Atsumu can't grasp.
"Are you a new doctor here?"
Yeah, Shouyou finally came in front of Atsumu, politely asked him. Atsumu nodded and asked:
"What is your name?"
"Hinata Shouyou, and you?"
As expected, Shouyou is truly the Sun.
"Miya Atsumu"
Then, they heard someone called Shouyou's name from behind.
"Hinata!! Give me back my hat!!"
"Ah Yachi-san!" Shouyou happily shouted, he suddenly jumped on and hugged this little nurse. After that, Shouyou docilely gave the hat back to Yachi and said goodbye to her as well as the new therapist.
When Yachi had already finished fixing her hair and hat, she looked at Atsumu. She asked:
"You are doctor Miya, aren't you? Let me guide you to your office."
Atsumu just nodded and lightly answered "yeah". The silence covered the whole way. Suddenly, Atsumu asked.
"Hinata, uhm.. why is that guy wearing a patient's clothes?"
Yachi surprisely looked at him, but her eyes then became soothing, "Ah, you saw him helping other patients, right?"
"Yeah."
"Hinata is a kind boy. So.. please take care of him!"
Atsumu gave her a confused look, but he understood one thing.
Hinata Shouyou was the patient who he was in charge of.
So, Shouyou is not a warm morning dawn, he is a dreary sunset in the afternoon.
_________
Hinata Shouyou just turned 20 years old, the most beautiful youth of life, but he had to wrap up those youthful days in a cold hospital. He has depression.
Before, he was treated in two different hospitals and had two different doctors who took care of him. And, thanks to that, his condition was better.
Everytime he was injected, Atsumu would see an image of skinny arms with fierce scars crisscrossed. Atsumu could see both long and short scars, but the pain on Shouyou's face seemed non-existent. He seems to have gotten used to it.
Looking at that scene, Atsumu suddenly asked, "Are you hurt?"
That question brought the two of them to an important turning point in their life.
Shouyou lightly shook his head, but his eyes told the truth. The surge of strong emotions within him was shown as his eyes brimmed with tears. Atsumu gently stroked down his small trembling back and gave him the sweetest smile.
A light wind gently blew the thin curtain. That day was still quiet and peaceful, the red thread wrapped around and bonded two hearts together.
___________
Atsumu didn't know when he became close to Shouyou.
Shouyou was often attached to Atsumu when he had freetime, or seriously played a nurse role when Atsumu was doing his tasks. Having a little sunball around like a tail isn't too bad, Atsumu thought.
Under the tree crown, Atsumu lay down on the stone bench. He took a look at what his Shouyou was doing.
Shouyou was trying to do something with a pot, and Atsumu guessed he was planting a flower.
As far as Atsumu knew, Shouyou is from a wealthy family. His father owns some well-known businesses around Japan. He was already born at the finish line, so he should have been treated as a little prince. But, Atsumu has never seen happiness in Shouyou's eyes.
Cheerfulness, sadness, be sulky, cool, Shouyou has all of those emotions, only truly happiness that Atsumu has never seen in Shouyou.
Atsumu wants to see Shouyou happy.
That reason is like a seed sowed in Atsumu's heart, slowly growing into a colourful flower.
Shouyou was a little confused when Atsumu suddenly took him out on a date on his day off. Moreover, Atsumu treated Shouyou very gently on the following days. Every careful and warm action that Atsumu gave Shouyou, he has never received before.
That tenderness has been lasting for months, even Yachi realized that the two of them had a really good relationship. That made Shouyou worry a bit. He wanted to ask to clear everything about this relationship, but some strange thoughts were stuck on him, making him don't know how to open up.
Shouyou was scared that if it went on forever, he would have an illusion about Atsumu like him. Because he knew, Atsumu once complained about his family that forced him to get married soon. Yeah, bring to his family a bride. Atsumu is straight, there is no way he is gonna like a boy.
Shouyou asked Atsumu aimlessly while his hands were still taking care of his pretty flower bud.
"If you are too close to me, others will think we are dating!"
"So, do you feel happy, Shouyou-kun?"
Shouyou pursed his lips, took a little time and then answered only a word, "Yes." -But I also feel worried and scared, Atsumu-san..- he said in his thoughts.
Shouyou suddenly felt more worried. What If the purpose of Atsumu is making him happy, to help his condition better? Then, when he said yes, would Atsumu stop his gentle action toward him?
Ah.. Shouyou might understand. The relationship between them was merely a patient and a therapist, there was nothing shady about it. His illusion became real. There was no way Atsumu would like him.
That was how Shouyou tried to comfort himself, but the painful feelings started to appear in his heart.
"So.. Shouyou-kun..." Atsumu came closer to Shouyou, held his tiny hands, a sweet and warm smile appeared again, and Atsumu's eyes reflected only the image of an orange-haired boy. His deep and warm voice resounded, his words were neither too loud nor too small, enough for Shouyou to hear. Every word was like pouring into Shouyou's ear, softly drifting down his heart which was jumping all over the place.
"When you are discharged from hospital, would you like to be my boyfriend?"
Shouyou felt like his heart was going to burst. Each wave of strong emotions resounded in his chest, that made him breathless and happy at the same time.
(Shouyou's thoughts)
-- Is it happiness? Did I just feel happy? It's really strange.
I just need to recover and then I can enjoy this strange emotion more, right? I can stay with you longer, right Atsumu-san? --
Shouyou promised himself that he will never get sick again.
__________
The day when Shouyou was discharged, everyone in the hospital was happy for him, especially Yachi. She cried a lot when she realized her little tangerine boy finally grew up. She was also happy when Shouyou could find his happiness and a person who he could rely on.
Yachi was the only person that Shouyou told about his relationship with Atsumu. She looked at the handsome and tall therapist, her eyes seemed to warn Atsumu must take care of Shouyou carefully or else.
Why did it look like Atsumu would marry her son?
After that, Atsumu and Shouyou decided to live together in an apartment in the suburbs. Atsumu's quiet house was more bright because of the presence of a little sun.
In the freetime, Atsumu's twin, Miya Osamu would chat with his brother's boyfriend. The main topic was all about food, yeah, Shouyou also loves food ^.^
Atsumu rarely saw Shouyou going out, maybe when Atsumu went to work, Shouyou would go outside and come home earlier than him to prepare dinner. It is so happy when you have someone waiting for you at home.
Everytime Atsumu felt tired from work, when he just came to the alley and saw the light in his house, he definitely felt so much better.
When Shouyou moved to Atsumu's apartment, he just brought with him some clothes, necessary things and his flower pot. Nothing else. Atsumu thought because Shouyou's simple person. But, Shouyou didn't really have anything to bring.
Their life went normally like any other couple. Every night after dinner, they would go out hand in hand under the quiet night sky, or give each other sweet nicknames like "my little fox" or "my tiny sun", something like that. Unlike other couples one thing, they never have conflicts or a fight for nonsense reasons, but instead live a joyful daily life.
The first time they kissed, Shouyou awkwardly gave Atsumu his first kiss, and Atsumu could feel the sweetness at the tip of the tongue as well as his soul. It is embarrassing to say that this was not Atsumu's first kiss, but the kiss with Shouyou is different. Shouyou is not only sweet, he also has an ardent taste, a little bit spicy like a delicious glass of wine, that made Atsumu to be sunk in.
Yes, Atsumu is drunk, because of a person named Hinata Shouyou.
When two people stay together for long enough,they start to see the bad habits of each other that they have tried to hide before. Atsumu didn't say that he is perfect, and of course he thinks he has some kind of bad habits.
He is a quite messy person, for example: he throws his shoes everywhere, doesn't put things in the right place after use, and sometimes he has tantrums if things don't suit him.
Shouyou gently accepted all of his bad habits, he even helped Atsumu to ameliorate those habits.
Until now, Atsumu hasn't seen any bad habits of Shouyou. He didn't know if it is a bad habit or not, but Shouyou rarely asks for gifts or something for himself, even though he deserves it all. When Atsumu talked about that, Shouyou just smiled softly, and didn't say anything.
Atsumu felt like, behind that smile, Shouyou's mood was not soft like that.
Atsumu gently put his forehead to Shouyou's one, he instilled a little warmth to Shouyou's low body temperature. Atsumu's voice was calm but mixed with a sadness,
"You don't believe me, do you Shouyou?"
Shouyou came to hug Atsumu tightly, covering some unknown innermost feelings that were inside his eyes.
"May you think I'm not like you expected?"
"No, I don't Shouyou. I always love you no matter what happens."
Atsumu kissed Shouyou's forehead, gave all of his love, and caring to his little boy.
However, the storm in Shouyou's eyes doesn't have any signal to disappear..
___________
Recently, Atsumu's job was increasing. Normally it already had many tasks, but now there are more. But, if he finishes those tasks, he can be moved to a new hospital, and has a better salary to give Shouyou a better quality of living.
The frequency that Atsumu stays at home is less than before. And maybe, he is also avoiding something.
Everytime he comes home late, he can find his little sun sleeping on the couch and waiting for him to come back. The thin eyelashes tremble with each breath, the smile also stops hanging on the lips. Shouyou's face is most peaceful when he is sleeping.
Atsumu feels that he can't grasp something from Shouyou. It looks like Shouyou is trying to hide it from him.
Atsumu is even surprised because of his thoughts, and then the sadness besieges his heart. Since when did he lose his faith to his Shouyou?
Since he could taste the bitters on Shouyou's lips when they kissed? Since he saw some faint scratches on Shouyou's shoulder when he slept? Or since Shouyou's eyes only have thunderstorms and misty rain.
He doesn't know since when, between them, there is an invisible wall and Shouyou is the one who built it.
(Atsumu's pov)
-- Shouyou.. My Shouyou.. Why do you love me but you don't believe me? Am I just making you suffer?
But, when you stand in front of me, you will return back to your naive and bright look. Your sunshine makes me dazzling and ... hurt.
Shouyou, please don't hide anymore. Every crisis you have gone through, I might not know, but I'm hurt too..
I just want to understand you more, but why? Why is it so hard, Shouyou..?
Atsumu gently strokes Shouyou's tint pink cheek. Atsumu realizes Shouyou is becoming skinnier than before. This boy is already tiny and now he looks more emaciated.
"Shouyou, are you happy ?"
Answering him is just the breathing sound of the person he loves, with some sorrows that don't know where to send.
The red thread which connected two people now seems like tightening two sore and bleeding hearts.
Love has not only the pink colour, it also has the dark colour of pain. What can we do to get rid of that pain, Shouyou?
What do you really need, Shouyou? --
(End of Atsumu's pov)
The sound of the footsteps fade away, Shouyou softly raises his eyelids. He already woke up, and could hear Atsumu's words with his gentle touches as well as these sorrowful eyes.
(Shouyou's pov)
-- Maybe, I can't make the person I love happy, he just received pain and sorrow. I definitely don't deserve him.
Atsumu, you need happiness, not me or myself.
And, I also don't deserve the happiness you're bringing to me.
Lying down on the lover's arm, Shouyou gently strokes Atsumu's yellow hair. It's so dry. Is your work too busy, so you can't take care of yourself? Or, because of me, you are hurt like that?
Ah, it's because of me.
Shouyou kisses Atsumu's nose softly, he whispers.
"Atsumu, what does happiness mean?"
"...."
"Do I deserve it?"
Atsumu, please don't look at me with your painful eyes. I will cry. Because of me, you are like that.
"Beside me, aren't you happy?"
Yes, I am happy, Atsumu. This is the first time I feel happy like that and painful like that, it's like I'm sinking into a cool stream of water on a hot summer day, then the stream plunges me and makes me hard to breathe.
Is love like that, Atsumu? --
(End of Shouyou's pov)
-continue-
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