Chapter 2
~ Time skip ~
===
Atsumu and Shouyou dated each other for over 2 years. And, Atsumu broke up with Shouyou 3 days ago..
He had to see for himself that boy writhing in pain, but Shouyou persistently didn't want to tell him. He had to see for himself the person he loved wandering and looking at the sky while his arms were cut badly. And, he was Shouyou's personal therapist..
(Atsumu's pov)
-- Do you have any faith left for me? Don't you want to rely on me even a little bit, Shouyou? You have borne the pain for so many years and now I can't even be a place for you to rely on, Shouyou?
After all, do you even love me or do I feed myself on illusions? Delusion of my position in your heart, deluding myself that you believe me unconditionally, deluding myself that you love me...
Is my image in your heart? Or, don't I really exist in your world?
So, every love message you have given me over the years, are they just lifeless and emotionless, like a pre-programmed robot?
Shouyou, in the end, do you love me..?
Atsumu wonders, then hurts himself. --
(End of Atsumu's pov)
On this day, they argued. But actually, only Atsumu said about his feelings that he had to repress in his heart for so long, and Shouyou, he just stood there, listened to every word and looked at Atsumu through painful eyes.
It seemed like Shouyou wanted to say something to make the situation better and to keep the close distance between them, but he didn't say anything, he really can't say anything. Shouyou painfully moved his dried lips, and in the end, no words can't come out.
Atsumu hopelessly looked at Shouyou, it was all over..
"Please let me stay with you tonight. Only one night, and then tomorrow, you won't see me anymore. Please, Atsumu..?"
This was the first time Shouyou begged him for something. And, he accepted.
They both rushed into each other, two trembling lips entwined together, overlapped one another, with the salty taste of tears. Only that night, let them do it, because since tomorrow, Atsumu won't be able to embrace Shouyou's delicate body anymore.
They were under the spell of love, soft moans mixed with painful sobs. Atsumu clasped Shouyou's tiny hand, trying to engrave this warm body temperature and Shouyou's smell in his memory.
Early next morning, Atsumu woke up with a start. As usual, he reached out his hand to the familiar place beside him, but realized that no one was there, it was just a cold feeling which made him finally awake.
Shouyou already left, he really left as he said last night. He brought all his belongings, even the photos of them. Everything that belonged to him disappeared. The whole house now just feels cold and lonely.
-- Shouyou already left, but why did you still prepare toothbrush ready for me? You left, but why did you still iron my blouse? You left, but why did you still prepare breakfast for me?
Did you come into my life just to torment me, Shouyou? --
Two weeks passed without the little sun, Atsumu felt like he has a strong and quick adaptability when he doesn't call Shouyou's name while doing something, as well as getting used to the feeling of turning around and missing the hug to someone's figure that exists in each of his dreams.
Suddenly, Atsumu remembered his balcony. He didn't even realize that his apartment had it, until he saw a card stuck on the corner of the balcony window.
Atsumu stepped out onto the balcony and enjoyed every cool breeze. Oh, now he knows that his balcony has a beautiful view.
I have to tell Shouyou this finding. - Atsumu said in his mind.
He started, his mind suddenly stopped, and then he ridiculed at himself. Shouyou is no longer here.
He looked around and thought: 'this place is really clean, it doesn't look like it was forgotten for 2 years.'
A small plant pot attracted him. It's a white plant pot, but it's drawn with cute drawings. A sun and a fox. There are some flowers, plants and grass around them. Some tiny hearts are flying too. And, Atsumu saw some handwriting on the pot, of course he knows whose writing. It's so familiar to him.
It's Shouyou's flower pot. Was he always there when he had free time? That is why this balcony is so clean.
(Atsumu's thoughts) -- You didn't even tell me. Why did you choose to be silent, Shouyou? Why can't you still open your heart with me, Shouyou? --
Wiping away the sadness that just appeared in the bottom of his eyes, Atsumu observed every single word on the pot. There are words that have been blurred, but equivocally can put them together into a complete sentence.
'Little flowers, please bloom!'
'The sun never gets sick.'
'If I get sick, Atsumu won't love me anymore.'
'I'm so happy right now!'
These sentences don't link to each other, but there is a sentence which makes him understand.
His Shouyou, a big obstacle has appeared in his mind. His mental illness has relapsed.
Atsumu hurtfully realized that he is the one who put pressure on Shouyou. The fragment of memory, which he had forgotten, now appeared more clearly than ever. It was a stiff face with worried eyes that Shouyou tried to hide by his smile when Atsumu unintentionally asked "Do you need me to take you to the hospital?"
Only one question of Atsumu, Shouyou tortured himself like that. Atsumu really wants to slap himself. They already broke up, so may Shouyou feel more comfortable now?
Atsumu sadly remembers the figure of Shouyou under the sunshine, his hand softly touching the smooth petals.
He hasn't asked Shouyou which kind of flower yet.
But, Shouyou's flower, it's withered...
Atsumu fell to his knees, crying out in pain. The citadel that he built to prevent the nostalgia for his little boy with sunny hair has now fallen.
He missed Shouyou. He missed Shouyou like crazy.
But, Shouyou is not here anymore..
Atsumu has runned around the city to find this sweet orange color the whole day. And, he can't really find Shouyou.
"...and then tomorrow, you won't see me anymore..."
You are really good at keeping your promise, Shouyou..
.
"You won't go home, will you?" Osamu put the tea cup on the table, slowly asking the person who has the same face as him haggardly sitting on the chair.
He already knew that 'Tsumu and Shouyou broke up two weeks ago, he is the first person who knew about it.
There are not many people who know about their love story. Shouyou didn't go out often so people who know his face in that area can only count by fingers. After all, no one knows how happy they are, then how painful their breakup is. No one knows.
But Osamu knows, his brother really loves that boy, and so does Shouyou. However, other than love, Shouyou seems to have to bear something else.
"Do you still love Shouyou-kun?"
This time, Atsumu raised his head, the sad eyes can be seen, he only responded with a weak nod.
"So, did you feel happy when you were with Shouyou-kun?"
"...."
"You did, 'Tsumu. As well as the pain. This kind of love, you still want to grasp?"
Don't know why an anger blazing up in Atsumu makes him stand up, just looking at Osamu with mixed-emotional eyes.
Then, he sat down. Because Atsumu knows 'Samu is right. Because he knows this kind of love, he chose to give up. So now, he hopelessly tries to hold it back.
Who knows, Shouyou may find a new person who makes him happy somewhere? Who knows, he is now sleeping peacefully in a soft bed without being surrounded by torment?
Shouyou chose to accept the break up, because it was the only way to stop them from suffering anymore. Atsumu suddenly remembered their last night, Shouyou's voice purely and softly resounded with a sad expectation.
"You deserve better happiness, Atsumu..."
But, my happiness, is you, Shouyou.
__________
The next day, Atsumu came to the address written on the card which was stuck on the balcony window. The card is very old, but you still can see the words on it clearly.
It's a house far away from Atsumu's apartment on the other side of the city. Two-floor house is decorated with paint colors that make others feel comfortable. The scent of flowers emanating from the garden creates a strange poetic feeling.
And, this is the house of a doctor, the information was written on the card. But, Atsumu doesn't know what kind of doctor.
*Dingdoong~*
After pressing the doorbell, he is patiently waiting outside. A strong belief drived Atsumu to come here, even though he doesn't know if this place can help him find Shouyou or not.
A middle-age man with white hair opened the door. The delicate features on his face make him look younger than his age. Atsumu knows this man, therapist Sugawara Koushi. Atsumu has joined his lectures before.
Sugawara looked at the tall man who was standing in front of his house, he politely smiled as a signal to invite Atsumu to come in.
When Atsumu came inside, he could look closely at the garden. There are a lot of different flowers.
Ah, this kind of flower...
"It's a confederate rose" Sugawara said when he saw Atsumu staring at the bright flower. Atsumu just nodded and stepped into the living room.
Sugawara brought a teapot from the kitchen, calmly poured out the tea and brought it to Atsumu.
"You are Miya Atsumu, aren't you? Ah, don't be surprised. The hospital I'm currently working at is the new place you will be moved to. Also, Hinata talked a lot about you. I know you came here because of him, Miya."
"So, Shouyou..." His hand holding the teacup trembled a little bit. What is the relationship between Shouyou and this man?
Sugawara took a sip of tea, "I'm Hinata's previous therapist. You may be the next one? Don't worry, I just see Hinata as my relative. Therefore, how you make him suffer, I can't let it go."
His tone of voice remained soft until the last sentence, his pitch seemed to drop and his mood became colder making Atsumu a little scared.
But, there is a truth Atsumu doesn't want to admit, he made Shouyou's illness worse day by day.
"You want to find Hinata? Why? You two already broke up."
"I.. I think, I haven't been patient enough with Shouyou... I wish we could start over..."
Sugawara sighed, he mumbled, "This is what you want, Hinata..?"
"Hm, what did you say, sensei?" - Atsumu asked
Sugawara quickly shook his head, "No. Nothing. Miya, I want to advise you to give up, how about it?"
Atsumu was surprised, this was the first time he heard this strange question. But then he was disappointed. Everyone told him that should give up, this will be good for both of them. He knew it. But, the love seed he sowed now already grew strongly now, buried deep into his heart, tightening it with its sinuous roots.
If Atsumu loves someone else, he doesn't think his love for them is everything anymore. So, they will be hurt, he will be hurt too, all will fall into a dead end.
Sugawara watched the guy with his head down, hiding the sorrows shown on the handsome face.
"Why did you love Hinata?"
Why? Why tho?
Atsumu just wants to see the happiness in Shouyou's eyes, making him laugh brightly like the sun. He wants to protect that little guy so that no pain in the world can touch him. He wants to be closer to Shouyou, to warm his slightly cold body with his hugs and kisses.
From want to habit, habit to like, and like to love.
Is it that simple for people to love each other?
Atsumu just sat there for a while, the tea was already cold. Until the sunset came, he quietly said goodbye to Sugawara.
Sugawara stood outside, calmly saying to Atsumu.
"I also don't know what to tell you. But, you should know, Hinata wants you to be happy, so he chose that way. Giving up on your own will hurt more. So, try to live happily as Hinata's expectation."
He looked down sadly. Happy? How do you want me to be happy, Shouyou...
Everything needs time. So does Atsumu. But, that little orange-haired boy doesn't have time anymore.
Waiting for Atsumu to disappear after the street corner, Sugawara remembered that night. The stormy night, he was woken up by a harassing doorbell. With an uncomfortable face, he still tried to carry an umbrella to see who would ring his bell at this late hour.
The heavy iron door moved, revealing the orange-haired boy's skinny body that could easily be blown away by the wind. His hair was messy and hanging down, following the rain, clinging to his blank face. It was no longer the color of warm sunshine.
Sugawara was scared to death when he realized it was Shouyou, he quickly pulled Shouyou inside but Shouyou suddenly became stronger, not even a single step moved.
Sugawara angrily shouted, but still couldn't drown out the sound of wind and storm, "Are you crazy?? Hurry up, come inside!!!"
"No... I will come in if you promise me one thing."
"What the fuck?? Your life is more important, for god's sake come inside, now!!!"
But, Shouyou still didn't move, he pursed his lips, tried to tolerate the cold that began to spread out to the marrow of his bones, he kneeled down hard on the solid ground.
Too surprised, Sugawara just stood there and stared at Shouyou. After a while, he covered Shouyou with his umbrella, "What do you want me to promise?" Does that make you kneel down like that?
"Atsumu will come here. That time, please tell him don't find me anymore, and start a new happiness for his own. No matter how much he begs, just say that I'm so happy right now. Please Suga-san..? I'm begging you! Please... Help me..."
Shouyou looked at Sugawara with a soaked face, Sugawara didn't know because of the tears or the rain-water, his voice broke and begged earnestly. Even though the cold water splashed on his body, he stubbornly knelt there, waiting for the promise from the doctor he trusted.
(Suga's thoughts) -- This child is crazy!! Just because he wants me to tell these things to his ex-lover, he would dare to bring his life standing under the cold heavy rain!!! --
Is he blameworthy or pitiful???
Struggling for a while, Sugawara finally could bring Shouyou into the house. But Shouyou didn't stay long, he's gone.
Sugawara couldn't understand this child anymore. His heart is closed, his eyes are dark as a veil hiding his innermost feelings.
His sunshine, has faded away.
Sugawara thought he should resign as a doctor tomorrow.
-continue-
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