Kabanata 12
Trigger Warning: Sensitive scenes ahead. Please beware.
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Kabanata 12
"Kambal ko 'yan!" I screamed at the top of my lungs when my brother's debate team won for today's event.
I saw Chiel glanced at me, seryoso ang mukha niya habang ina-award-an kasama ang grupo niya. Our eyes met at kaagad akong tumili at itinaas ang banner na ginawa ko.
"Adira, scream tayo!" I said and my younger sister, who's still in elementary screamed with me.
"Kuya Alchiel namin 'yan!" We exclaimed happily while raising the banner, showing it to him and I saw how the seriousness on his face vanished, replacing it with a smile.
I saw how Mom and Dad proudly went to the stage para magsabit ng medalya sa kakambal ko. Adira and I stayed sa ibaba ng stage and I lifted my camera to take a photo of my parents and him on the stage.
"Ate, when I grow up, I wanna be like Kuya Chiel!" ani Adira sa akin kaya napangiti ako at saglit na ibinaba ang camera para sulyapan siya.
"Really? You wanna be a lawyer someday?" I asked and she nodded, smiling widely at me.
"Opo! Ang galing po kasi ni Kuya sa stage, Ate! I was like woah! When I saw him on stage debating like that!" she said happily kaya bahagya akong dumukwang at hinaplos ang buhok niya.
"Of course, you will be a lawyer, Adira." I said gently. "Ikaw pa ba, eh, ang tali-talino ng baby princess namin. You will be a great and smart lawyer! Basta ba kapag naging lawyer ka pagtatanggol mo si Ate?" I teased.
"Yes naman po!" her smile brightened. "No one could hurt my Ate Crest when I became a lawyer! I promise, Ate! I will protect you at all cost!"
My heart softened, yayakapin ko na sana pero tinawag kami ni Dad para pumunta sa stage kaya natatawang nag-unahan kami ni Adira paakyat para sumama sa family picture.
"Oh, kambal, sa'yo 'tong isang medal." Ani Chiel, isinuot sa akin ang isa sa medal na ibinigay sa kanya kaya napatawa na ako.
"Wow naman, feeling ko tuloy ang talino ko! Attorney Crest Veronica, your honor." Tawa ko.
"Matalino ka naman talaga, sino ba nagsabing hindi?" he chuckled and messed with my hair.
"Twins, harap na sa camera." Mom said, smiling while seeing the two of us kaya dali-dali akong humawak sa baywang ni Chiel at inakbayan niya ako at si Adira at malalaki ang ngiti naming humarap sa camera para magpa-picture.
When the debate was finished, saglit akong nag-CR at iniwan muna sila. Chiel went to talk with some advisers with our parents and Adira.
Pagkalabas ko ng CR ay nakita ko ang isa sa professor ko na kaagad na ngumiti nang makita ako.
"Miss Sandejas! I've been looking for you!" she smiled in relief.
"Hello, Ma'am. Bakit po?" I smiled.
"Ah, hija..." she gave me a small envelope. "I saw your sketches in our art class and thought you're the best in your batch!"
My heart fluttered with her words that I even blushed, "ay naku, Ma'am. Maraming salamat po." Ngiti kong malambing.
"I was looking for you kanina and we have an art competition soon, it's about dress designing and making." Paliwanag niya sa akin. "And that envelope I gave you is an invitation kasi I wanted to pursue you to join."
My eyes widen, kaagad kong binuksan ang envelope at binasa.
"Really? Oh my God, Ma'am! Bakit ako?" I chuckled in amazement, "I mean, may magagaling pa naman po? Am I even qualified?"
"Of course! I evaluated the class' designs and yours stand out! I even talked to my fellow art professors and a lot-well, most of them chose yours! Your designs are balance, unique and I am sure na kapag mas na-train ka pa ay gagaling ka." She smiled proudly at me.
"Oh my..." my heart jumped and it felt so overwhelming. "Kailan po ba 'to?" I asked.
"Next month pa, hija. It's okay if you can't decide for now basta ba if you already have your decision, punta ka lang sa faculty or approach me, okay? I hope you could give it a consideration." She said.
My heart felt like bursting after our talk, halos yakapin ko na ang envelope habang papunta sa kung nasaan sina Mommy.
When I got there, I saw my Mom got out of the office. Nang makita ako ay kaagad siyang ngumiti at lumapit.
"Hey, princess, what took you so long?" she asked and approached me, hinahawi ang mahabang buhok at inayos ang dress niya.
I bit my lip and excitement.
"Mom! You can't believe-"
"Baby!" Sabay kaming napalingon ni Mom nang bumukas ang dean's office at lumabas si Dad kasama si Chiel at Adira doon, malaki ang ngiti.
"Oh? Why? Ang saya-saya niyo, ah?" Mom asked him, smiling and Dad chuckled proudly and raised an envelope.
"Well, our Adira and Chiel are scholars!" he exclaimed happily and our eyes widen.
"OMG." Mom and I both said, nagkatinginan pa at suminghap.
"Oh, really?!" Mom exclaimed, mabilis na lumapit doon at nakita kong nagtawan ang apat habang binubuksan ang envelope na hawak nila.
I saw the smiles on their faces and my parents looked so proud.
I opened my mouth, ready to tell them about my achievement today when Dad called.
"Come here, Crest! Tignan mo!" Dad said happily kaya mabilis akong lumapit, kumakalabog ang puso sa tuwa, lalo nan ang makita kong full scholar ang mga kapatid ko hanggang sa matapos si Chiel sa college at si Adira naman sa highschool.
"Ang tatalino naman! I'm so proud!" Dad chuckled and messed with my brother and sister's hair.
I saw happiness on their eyes and I felt nothing but bliss, feeling so proud of my siblings.
"Ang smart naman ng siblings ko! Sana all!" I teased and they laughed at me.
"Ikaw din naman, ganda, ah? Pakitaan nga natin!" Mom smiled softly, inakbayan pa ako kaya natatawang humawak ako sa baywang niya, ang isang kamay ko'y marahang itinatago ko sa likod para hindi nila makita ang envelope na hawak ko.
"Nah!" I smirked at them, "mabuti na lang may ambag akong ganda." I even winked, earning laughters from my amazing family.
The family I will always be proud being a part of but now...I just...I don't think I ever deserved them. I don't think I will have the strength and pride now to consider myself as a part dahil wala naman akong maibigay sa kanila kung hindi kahihiyan at disappointment.
I was just sitting her for a few minutes pero kulang na lang ay malunod na ako sa tubig at baha.
What a dramatic life...sana may talent fee ako sa pag-iyak ko ngayon.
I stared at the empty road and saw a few cars driving past me, bumuntonghininga ako at mariing napapikit.
Heto ako, basang-basa sa ulan, walang masisilungan...walang malalapitan.
I chuckled blankly. Napapakanta na tuloy ako.
Inihilamos ko ang kamay sa mukha, muling napasulyap sa daan at nakita ang isang pack ng dried mangoes na naroon pa. I immediately stood, pumunta sa gitna para kunin ang dried mangoes ko pero hindi pa man naaabot ay natumba ako sa gulat nang may marinig na malakas na busina.
I felt my butt fell on the slippery ground, halos mapapikit ako nang tumama ang maliwanag sa headlights sa mukha ko, kasabay ng isang sigaw.
"Tanga ka ba?!" I almost jumped at that, hindi ko na ininda ang sakit ng pang-upo ko at mabilis na napabalikwas ng tayo mula sa lapag.
"S-sorry po!" I said when I saw the woman almost screamed at me, galit na galit ang mat anito habang nakadungaw sa bintana.
"Anong sorry? Kitang kalsada 'to paharang-harang ka! Bulag ka bang bobo ka?!" she exclaimed, halos lumulabas na ang litid sa leeg at nakaramdam ako ng takot doon sa mga tingin niya.
"S-sorry..." I sighed, mas tumabi sa gilid ng kalsada at tumungo. "May...may kinukuha lang po ako sa daan, Ma'am. Hindi ko po kayo napansin-"
"Eh, tanga ka pala, eh! Anong 'di napansin eh nasa kalsada ka! Bugok ka ba?!"
Nangilid na ang luha ko sa lakas ng sigaw niya pero kinalma ko ang sarili at umiling.
"P-pasensya na po...hindi na po mauulit."
"Kung magpapakamatay ka, h'wag ka mandamay ng tao! Doon! Tumalon ka sa tulay o maglaslas ka! Gaga, perwisyo sa buhay! Pakamatay ka na lang!" she exclaimed loudly and my eyes watered again.
"Sorry..." I lowered my head to apologize again but she just spit on the road, closed the car window and drove hastily away from me and I saw how my dried mango on the road flattened noong madaanan iyon ng gulong niya.
My knees weakened, napahikbi na ako habang pinagmamasdan ang dried mango ko sa lapag at nanginginig man ay kinuha ko pa rin iyon at inilagay sa tabi ko.
My shoulders began shaking, napasinghap na ako, hinila ang buhok at patuloy na humikbi.
What a useless person you are, Crest...maybe she's right.
"Crest?" I heard a faint voice but I thought it was just my imagination. I buried my head on my knees, crying silently in the rain.
"Crest?" I heard it again but I thought it was just a hallucination until I felt a hand on my shoulder.
"Crest..." I jumped in shocked, nanlalaki ang matang napalingon ako at handa na sanang sumigaw at manlaban nang makita ko ang pamilyar na mukha ng pinsan ko.
"D-Dei?" I called.
"Fuck..." he cursed, "what the heck are you doing here, Crest?! It's raining!" he exclaimed, basang-basa na rin ng ulan.
"I-I'm..." I muttered, trying to explain when the side of the door of his car opened and I saw Tito Thorn.
"Deion, what's taking you so long-Crest?" he exclaimed in shock when our eyes locked.
"T-Tito..." I called and he cursed, kitang-kita ko ang pagtakbo niya sa pwesto ko, hinuhubad ang jacket na suot at mas napaluha na ako nang walang pagdadalawang-isip na inilagay niya ang jacket sa ulo at balikat ko para tumigil ang ulan.
"Shit..." he said and I felt weak when he carried me without second thoughts, napaiyak akong lalo nang ilapit niya ako sa dibdib niya at bumaling kay Deion na gulat pa rin.
"Son, ready the car, we'll take her to the hospital-"
"No!" I exclaimed, shaking. "A-ayaw ko po...ayaw ko sa ospital." I whispered and shook my head.
I saw hesitation on his eyes but he sighed and nodded, mabilis na tinakbo ang sasakyan habang buhat ako pero naalala ko ang mga dried mangoes ko kaya nilingon ko si Deion.
"Dei..." I pointed my dried mangoes on the side of the road weakly and he nodded at me.
Wala na akong lakas nang maipasok ako ni Tito sa sasakyan at mayamaya pa'y nandiyan na si Dei at mabilis na ipinatong ang mga gamit ko sa backseat.
"Sa mansyon niyo ba?" Deion asked and I immediately shook my head, almost sniffing.
"N-no, please..." I muttered. "A-ayaw ko mag-alala si Dad."
Nagkatinginan sila ni Tito Thorn, I saw Tito nodded, wala na silang pakialam kung basang-basa na rin silang dalawa sa ulan kaya mas naiiyak na ako sa magkahalong pasasalamat kasi nandito sila at sa lungkot dahil naperwisyo ko rin sila.
Tumabi sa akin si Eion, si Tito ay tinakbo ang driver's seat bago ako nilingon sa likod.
"Sa bahay." Ani Tito Thorn at nilingon ako, "is it okay for you to stay first in our house, ganda? Tatawagan ko si Clyte."
"P-po?" I muttered. "H-hindi na po, baka may trabaho si Clyte, ayaw ko pong makaistorbo-"
"You know Clyte's willing to go home for you, right?" aniya kaya natigilan na ako.
"Pero-"
"No buts, Crest." Tito said, "hindi ko tatawagan si Iñigo but I will call Clyte, deal?"
I was hesitating, thinking if it's okay to disturb and be a burden to Clyte pero naisip ko si Dad...galit na siya sa akin, ayaw na niya siguro akong anak kasi...kasi matigas ang ulo ko.
"Crest, come on, Clyte won't say a thing." Ani Deion kaya suminghap na ako at mayamaya'y tumango para pumayag sa sinasabi nila.
I felt weak and dizzy while we're on our way, I was shaking in cold that Tito turned the aircon off and Deion hugged me to give me some warmth.
"D-Dei...s-sorry sa abala..." I whispered weakly while resting my head on his shoulder and he's just hugging my arm and kept on rubbing it to give me some body heat.
"No, don't say that." Aniyang seryoso. "You're not bothering us, okay? It's okay." He said and I bit my lip, embarrassed and shy that they have to take me to their house when they're supposed to just rest and have fun.
Hiyang-hiya ako sa kanila at sa sarili ko pagkarating namin sa mansyon nila at inaalalayan nila ako palabas. I heard Tito Thorn asked the house help for some warm water and Deion took me to the guest room sa second floor nila.
I almost slipped but Dei held me firmly, "okay ka lang?" he asked and I slowly nodded.
"O-oo..." I even flashed a smile, "Nag-e-emo lang ako sa gilid ng daan, p-para dramatic." I even chuckled but he just sighed and shook his head.
"Hay naku, Crest Veronica." He said at ginulo na ang buhok ko. "It's okay, don't need to fake a smile for me."
Napabuntonghininga na ako at gano'n din siya.
"S-sorry, I'm just...nahihiya akong nakakaistorbo ako rito sa inyo ngayon. D-don't worry, paligo lang ako tapos uuwi na ako sa condo-"
"You stay here." He said and opened the room's door. "At hindi ka abala, okay? You're part of our family and what does family do? Nagdadamayan sila." He smiled at me and helped me sit on the empty couch.
"T-thank you..." I said.
"You're welcome, I will prepare a warm bath for you, okay? Clyte's on her way home, mayamaya'y nandiyan na 'yan."
He left me afterwards and I sighed, sumulyap ako paikot sa guest room ng bahay nila at nakagat ang labi.
If they didn't come and saw me...nasaan na kaya ako ngayon? Maybe I'm still just sitting there and crying or...maybe I stood in the middle of the road, waiting for some car to hit me.
"Inom ka muna, 'nak." I glanced at the door and saw Tito Thorn, may hawak siyang baso ng mainit na tubig.
"Salamat po, Tito." I said softly and he sat beside me, inalalayan pa ako sa pag-inom ng mainit na tubig.
"Careful, mainit 'yan." He said and smiled. "Pinapainit ko pa kasi ang chocolate drink."
"Ay...hindi na po." I shook my head. "Ayos na ako rito, Tito." I said softly but he just shook his head.
"No, something warm and sweet would be good in this weather." Aniya, "and your bestfriend's on her way, pinasundo ko na rin si Clyte sa driver."
Nangilid ang luha ko, gamit ang isang kamay ko ay mabilis kong niyakap ang Tito Thorn. Naramdaman ko ang gulat niya pero mabilis niya rin akong niyakap pabalik.
"I'm just here, princess..." he whispered and tapped my back. "Everything will be better in time, basta nandito lang kami."
"Salamat po..." I whispered. "P-please don't tell Dad about this, please..."
"Okay," he said and tapped my back. "Your Tita Zid and Scira's currently in a seminar sa Baguio. They'll stay there for a week, susunod din ako after ng trabaho ko. Please stay here if you like, this is your home too, okay?"
"Thank you po..." I sighed.
"And I won't tell this to your family, na nasa gilid ka ng daan but still...if you need something, tell me, tell us so we could help you, Crest, hmm? I don't know what happened but your Dad's worried, tumawag siya."
I was stunned, umayos ako ng upo at nakita ko ang ngiti.
"He's asking if ever I saw you and ang sabi ko lang ay nandito ka at kasama si Clyte."
"Did he know..."
"No, I didn't tell him you're soaked in the rain and crying but still...don't hide it from them, okay? If kaya mo na, open up. Nandito lang kami para sa'yo." He said gently.
They left me after they set the warm bath for me and when they're gone, I found myself sitting inside the bathtub, resting my back on the cold porcelain.
I closed my eyes, feeling the cold and pain inside my chest. I sighed, remembering the things happened tonight.
I wanted to feel numb to not feel anything right now but I couldn't. Pain crept into my system, thinking how useless I am.
I am stupid...I'm a fool. Wala akong kwentang anak, wala akong kwentang tao.
When I was a kid, I always do my best to excel but I couldn't and when I did, kahit sandali lang ay kokontrahin ng ibang tao kaya hindi natutuloy. I admit I am a slow learner, bobo ako. Hindi ako scholar kagaya ng mga kapatid ko, hindi ako kasama sa honors...nahuli ako sa pag-graudate ng college dahil sa cheating issues ko.
And now...while I am trying my best to be a better person, I realized I wasn't excelling at all. I did not improve...maybe because I didn't do my best? Maybe because I have to push harder?
I am wrong...I was too much. Masyado kong iniisip ang sarili ko kaysa sa pamilya kong nag-aalala sa akin. Sina Locket, may kaso silang inaaasikaso pero dahil sa'kin, hindi nila nagawa. Sina Dad, ang pamilya ko ay gano'n din pero hindi ko man lang naisip na mag-aalala sila.
I sniffed harder, hinawi ko ang luha at halos manginig na.
I am so proud of my siblings pero minsan...naiiingit ako kasi, kasi gusto ko maging kasing talino nila, minsan gusto ko maging kasing galing nila. Gusto kong maging proud din naman sa akin sina Mom and Dad.
Pero sana lang ang lahat ng 'yon because I know...I wouldn't come close to them. They are all successful and me...I am just me.
"Maybe..." I muttered. "Maybe they're better off without me."
Mas suminghap ako at hindi na alam ang nangyayari at gusto na lang umiyak nang umiyak. I covered my mouth and rested my head on the back on the tub more.
"B-bakit pa kasi ako pinanganak?" I said weakly. "S-sana...sana hindi na lang. P-para hindi ako nakakaabala, p-para..."
Para hindi na ako pabigat.
I rested my head more, ramdam ko ang tubig mula sa tub nang bahagyang inilubog ko ang mukha. Umawas iyon pero tila nang-aakit ang dilim, tila nang-aakit ang tubig na damhin ko siya and slowly, I lowered my body more.
Ramdam na ramdam ko ang paglubog ng mukha ko sa tubig at pinigil ko ang hininga at hinayaan na mawala iyon.
Silence filled my head and it felt so peaceful. Darkness has never been so inviting...until now.
My family's happy faces flashed inside my mind, I remembered the happiness I felt when they saw my sketches and made it happen. I remembered my babies and Locket's worried faces and I remembered how they smiled and laughed with my Pâncit dè Cantón and I saw how their smiles vanished and now, they're all disappointed.
I stopped my breath and closed my eyes tightly.
Fluctuat nec mergitur.
It is tossed by the waves but it does not sink.
Maybe I really am not a part of my family because I wasn't strong like them...I'm weak.
I was tossed in the waves but I sunk...and I don't know if I could survive and ever breathe again.
I felt how consciousness slowly ebbing away and I was so ready to embrace that darkness when I felt hands on my shoulders, napamulat ako sa gulat, kasabay nang pagsinghap ko sa hangin para makahinga.
"Anong ginagawa mo?!" I heard cries and when I shifted my gaze, mas nahulog ang luha ko nang makita na umiiyak na si Clyte, nakaluhod sa gilid ng tub at hawak ang balikat ko.
"C-Clyte..."
"A-anong ginagawa mo?" she cried loudly. "B-bakit ka...bakit ka..." she was hysterical while touching my shoulder and I began shaking and shook my head.
"I-I'm not okay..." I cried loudly. "H-hindi ako a-ayos, Clyte. N-nasasaktan na ako."
She pulled me for a hug and we both cried while hugging in the tub like a kid.
"C-Crest..." she cried on my shoulder. "B-bakit ka...bakit ka nand'yan? P-paano kung 'di kita nakita? P-paano kung...paano kung nawala ka?!" she asked like a kid and I even couldn't recognize my voice.
"S-sorry..." I cried. "C-Clyte, 'd-di ko na kaya...a-ayaw ko na mabuhay..."
"S-shh, shh...don't say that." She said, still crying and I clutched her uniform and cling to her like I needed her warmth and comfort so much.
"S-sana hinayaan mo n-na lang ako..."
"N-no..." she shook her head, "I-I love you, C-Crest...ako, ako love na love kita. D-don't give up, please. D-dito lang ako..."
"C-Clyte-Clyte..." I hugged her tighter. "S-sorry, h-hindi ko na alam g-gagawin ko. 'Di na..."
She covered me with the robe and helped me change my clothes. After that, inalalayan niya ako paupo sa bed at ramdam ko ang haplos niya sa buhok ko habang marahan akong sinusuklayan.
"I love you, Crest-Crest." She said, "dito lang ako palagi, ah?"
I stared at her and saw her bloodshot eyes, magulo ang buhok niya at halata ang takot sa mga mata.
"L-love you, Clyte..." I began feeling emotional again, "s-sorry for being a burden."
"Y-you are not a burden, hmm?" she cupped my cheek. "Love ka namin, you are important to us, importante ka sa akin." She comforted me and I bit my lower lip and hugged her again.
"H-h'wag moa ko iwan, Clyte-Clyte, ah?" I whispered. "I-ikaw lang mayro'n ako...'di ko kakayanin kapag nawala ka."
"Of course, I won't." She whispered. "Hindi kita iiwan, Crest-Crest. Dito lang ako sa'yo palagi, dadamayan ka."
Clyte didn't force me to speak but later on, I found myself opening up to her, tungkol sa nangyari sa akin ngayong gabi, bukod sa sinabi ni Dad, I said they all got mad because I turned my phone off and she listened to me intently while squeezing my hand.
"They're just worried of you, Crest." She said softly.
"I know," I said gently. "Pasaway kasi ako, it's not my intention na gano'n, bibilhan ko lang naman sila ng dried mangoes but I was wrong...nag-aaalala sila pero 'di ko naman naisip."
"I don't exactly know how you feel, Crest-Crest, kasi that's your pain. I can never tell how that feels kasi hindi ako ang nakakaramdam but I want you to know na that pain is valid, okay? It's okay to get hurt pero h'wag ka lang masasaktan, dapat sa bawat sakit babangon tayo."
I stayed quiet, mas niyakap ko lang ang tuhod ko at suminghap siya at niyakap ako sa tagiliran.
"I don't know what's happening, I can feel na may pinanghuhugutan ka ng sakit and I won't force you to tell me but always remember na kahit anong mangyari, dito lang ako." She said softly.
Clyte and I watched funny movies while she's here, dumating pa si Tito Thorn na may dalang chips at hot chocolate para sa aming dalawa. I saw him stared at our faces and I know he noticed our eyes but he didn't say anything and even cheered at us.
"Nagsama ang kambal ang pusod." Ani Tito kaya tumawa si Clyte at napangiti ako. "We ate 'yong dried mangoes na para sa amin, Crest, okay lang ba?"
I nodded happily, "para po talaga sa inyo 'yon."
"Oh, that's so sweet of you, anak." He smiled gently. "Masarap, binili mo pa 'yon sa Cebu?"
I nodded.
"Ayon ang trending sa social media ngayon, Dad." Ani Clyte kaya napatango si Tito Thorn.
"I see, masarap. Iba 'yong lasa kumpara sa nabibili sa mga store dito sa Maynila, halatang dinayo pa." Tito said at sabay kaming napatingin sa pintuan nang bumukas.
I saw Deion with Queen, kumakain ng dried mangoes kaya mas lumaki ang ngiti ko.
"How was it?" I said softly.
"Great!" Deion smirked and carried Queen na nag-thumbs-up sa akin at kinagat ang dried mangoes.
"Yummy-yummy!" she exclaimed happily kaya gumaan ang puso ko.
"Crest is the best!" Deion exclaimed and I chuckled nang isayaw niya sa ere si Queen na tumili pa at pumalakpak, tuwang-tuwa.
It made me somehow happy that Clyte ate the dried mangoes I bought and I don't know but maybe she wants me to be happy kaya bawat kagat niya ay sinasabi niyang sobrang sarap with yummy sounds pa kaya natatawa ako but regardless, it made me smile.
My bestfriend really is doing her best to make me feel light and happy.
Alchiel even called Clyte and asked if he could come and see me kaya umiling ako kay Clyte at kinagat ang labi.
I don't want him to see me like this. Naaalala ko ang kasabihan noon na sa kambal daw ay may isang malakas at may isang mahina.
Chiel thinks he's the weak one because he's afraid of a lot of things, iiyak siya sa injection, umiiyak siya no'ng maliit kami kapag 'di siya binibigyan ng pamasko ni Tito Zeij, umiiyak siya kapag hindi namin siya sinasali sa lutu-lutuan ni Clyte.
He said, I am the strong one kasi hindi niya ako nakikitang umiiyak, kahit madapa ako no'ng bata kami, kahit may injection, matapang ako. I was the bully and the mean one, noong bata kami ay inaasar ko si Chiel at pinapaiyak pero after ng ilang minuto ay babatiin ko rin siya tapos maglalaro na kami ulit.
He said he's the weak one and I am the strong one but he's wrong...he's the strong one and me, I was the fragile one, I am the sensitive one, I am weak. Ako 'yong matapang sa panlabas pero sa loob, kaunting bagay lang, durog na durog na pero 'di ako iiyak.
Chiel never saw me this weak and I can't let him see me in this state.
"Bawal nga, girl bonding namin ni Crest!" Clyte said cheerfully, as if nothing's going on.
"Girl na rin ako." Ani Chiel sa kabilang linya kaya nakagat ko ang labi at nangiti, he's been trying to invade our girl bonding.
"Anong girl? Lalaki ka, manahimik ka nga. Sabi ni Crest kami raw muna ngayon, ayaw ka niya makita kasi pangit ka raw." Ngisi ni Clyte kaya natawa ako ng mahina.
"Huh! Anong pangit? Titigan mo pa mukha ko bago ka magsabi-"
"Ayaw ko nga makita ka, next time na!" I exclaimed kaya natahimik na si Alchiel doon.
"Hoy, Crest Veronica, are you okay? Let me just see you, I'm worried, everyone's worried. Hindi makausap si Dad. He's frantic kanina while looking for you." He sighed. "Hindi ako manggugulo, I just want to check on you two-"
"Oh, come on, Alchiel." I chuckled. "I'm fine, maganda pa rin. Bigyan na lang kitang dried mangoes. Bonding lang kami ni Clyte. Don't go here, okay? Babangasan kita."
"Crest-"
"Bye, pangit. Mwuah!" I said, inabot ang phone at nag-end call.
I heard Clyte's sighs when I was done, "you're skilled enough to hide your emotions." She commented kaya napanguso ako.
"I'm happy naman, Clyte-Clyte." I smiled cutely and she just pouted and fed me a piece of dried mango.
"Oo na lang, Crest Veronica. Basta, tandaan mo ha, nandito lang ako always." She said softly and hugged me kaya niyakap ko rin siya pabalik.
Clyte slept with me inside the guest room and I was so thankful for her being with me in times like this but when she was asleep, I found myself crying silently again.
Wala namang kasalanan ang mga tao sa paligid ko sa nangyayari sa akin...ako ay may problema, ako 'yong masyadong emosyonal sa maliliit na bagay.
Dapat nga wala akong karapatang umiyak sa galit ng pamilya ko at ni Locket dahil ako ang may mali. Dad warned and talked to me about traveling but I didn't listen, alam kong gusto ko lang naman silang pasayahin kaya ako umalis pero mali pa rin ako. Like always, I keep on making bad decisions.
I want to improved but I felt like I sucked at everything...study, work, success, decisions...life in general. Baka nga malas talaga ako
Pumasok pa ako sa CR para umiyak sa takot kong magising si Clyte at maistorbo. Ni hindi ako nakatulog ng maayos no'ng gabing 'yon at nanaginip pa ng hindi maganda kaya niyakap ko na lang si Clyte para kumalma.
I woke up earlier too at kaagad kong inabot ang maliit kong bag na mabuti na lang ay waterproof at hindi basa ang loob para kunin ang phone ko.
I sat on the couch to not wake Clyte-Clyte up and scrolled on my inbox.
I saw a lot of text messages but messages from Locket caught my attention.
From: Lt. Pingu
Are you home? I'm sorry, Pinga.
From: Lt. Pingu
I was just mad that I couldn't call and trace you, I was worried. Sorry for being overreacting, sorry for raising my voice. I'm wrong.
From: Lt. Pingu
Are you mad at me? I'm so sorry. Can we talk?
From: Lt. Pingu
I'm in front of your door, are you there?
From: Lt. Pingu
I'll just wait here outside, I bought you foods, gutom ka ba? Kumain ka na?
From: Lt. Pingu
I called Alchiel, nasa bahay ka raw ni Clyte?
I checked the time and it's already four A.M.
From: Lt. Pingu
Uwi na lang ako, Pinga😊. Take care, iniwan ko 'yong pagkain sa reception, uwi muna ako kasi may pasok pa. It's your off today, rest first. I miss you and I'm so sorry.
My heart ache, napasandal ako sa couch at nagtipa ng reply.
To: Lt. Pingu
Yes, I'm here kay Clyte. Sorry for the late reply, nag-bonding kasi kami. It's okay, I understand why you raised your voice, I'm wrong too and I'm so sorry. Sorry sa pang-aabala😊.
From: Lt. Pingu
You're awake? Hindi ka nang-aabala, I am wrong, instead of talking to you, I raised my voice. That was so rude, I'm so sorry, Pinga. I hope I could talk to you.
I just stared at it and turned my phone off, pumunta ako sa banyo at napatitig sa mukha ko at halos ngumiwi nang makitang namumula ang ilong at namamaga ang mata ko.
Mukha akong nadapa at plakda una ang mukha. Maganda pa rin naman pero nabawasan ng one percent.
Sinubukan ko lakihan ang mata pero maliit pa rin siya sa kaiiyak ko kagabi kaya singkit.
"Crest?!" I almost jumped when I heard Clyte's panicking voice. "Crest Veronica?!"
Bago pa man ako makapagsalita ay tumakbo na siya at nagkagulatan kami sa banyo dahil mukha siyang bangag at naaalimpungatan pa, magulo ang buhok at namumungay ang mata.
"Crest!" she exclaimed when she saw me. "Shit! I thought something happened to you!"
"Ah, chinecheck ko lang ang pretty face ko sa mirror, Clyte." I smiled, "look at my eyes, oh. It's so puffy, nabawasan na ang beauty ko ng one percent."
Her forehead creased, inangat niya ang kamay para hawakan ang mata ko pero lumayo ako at inangat ang kamay para pigilan siya.
"Don't touch me I'm Korean." I said, flexing my singkit eyes at napahagalpak nang batukan na niya ako.
"H'wag ako, bangag ako, Crest Veronica ha!" she hissed pero pinakita ko lang sa kanya lalo ang mata ko kaya napatawa na rin siya sa akin.
Unfortunately, Clyte has to go to work and who am I to stop her so I let her go. I texted my father when I got to my condo unit and apologized.
To: Dad
Hi, Dad! I'm so sorry for what happened last night, I was immature and selfish for not thinking of your reminders. Sorry po for being too much, I am wrong. Hindi na po ako magiging pasaway at makulit, susunod na po ako sa bilin. I hope you could forgive me, Dad. I love you po and I am so sorry.
He had seen my message but he didn't even reply kaya mas napaiyak lang ako habang nasa condo ko, yakap ang mga hita sa gilid ng kama.
I don't know but I was really unproductive that day, wala akong gana sa lahat ng bagay. I couldn't sleep but I remained lying on my bed. I even tried sketching but I am always messing up and it's ugly and unworthy kaya hindi ko matapos-tapos.
Crying, I crumpled the paper for the nth time and threw it on the trashcan before hugging my knees and like a kid, I was sobbing nonstop again.
Noong tanghali, someone from the reception called and she's asking na may tumawag, nagtatanong daw na Locket ang pangalan kung nasa unit ba ako and good thing, she informed me kaya nasabi kong sabihing wala ako and before night came, sa takot kong puntahan ako ni Locket sa condo ay muli akong pumunta kina Clyte at nakigulo sa bahay nila.
Chiel and Adira came, even Mom called na nasa Leyte ngayon para sa kaso kasama si Dad, asking me if I was fine and like a good actress I am, I answered her cheerfully, saying I am.
Makapal man ang mukha, I message Earn if he could talk to Locket na hihingi pa akong isang araw na off and sabi niya oo raw at pumayag. Locket even called and texted me pero in-off ko lang ang phone at after ilang oras ay sinabing sira ang charger ko kaya lowbatt ako.
I know I'm a pain in the ass, alam kong sakit ako sa ulo ng mga tao sa paligid ko at hindi ko alam kung kaya kong maging mas maayos na tao sa ngayon kaya ang tanging magagawa ko lang ay umiwas kahit papaano para hindi makaabala.
I was nervous when the day came na papasok na ako ulit sa presinto pero kailangan ko maging pormal at ilang araw na lang din ako rito at aalis na dahil babalik na si Ate Minda. This work taught me a lot of things and I must be a good employee kahit papaano.
I fixed my light pink jumpsuit when I got into the precinct, pagkapasok ko pa lang ay nagulat ako nang sabay-sabay na nagsitayuan sina Earn, Brent at Adam sa upuan nang makita ako.
"Mama Crest!" they exclaimed kaya mabilis kong tinanggal ang shades ko at ngumiti.
"Hello, guys." I said gently. "Why?"
"We missed you!" ani Earn kaya natawa na ako.
"Sorry, medyo na-busy kasi sa bahay." I said. "Uh, pasensya na, ah? Una na ako sa loob, may aayusin kasi akong files na aayusin ko sana kahapon. Nand'yan ba si Lt.?"
"Lieutenant?" Earn blinked and I nodded.
"Oo, si Lt. Dmitrov, baka kasi gusto niya 'yong dried mangoes." I lifted the small paper bag and showed them.
"Uh...uhm..." napakamot si Adam sa kilay niya. "Lumabas saglit, eh. Ano, mamaya babalik na si Pingu mo." He smiled.
I was stunned but then nodded.
"Alright, if hindi nakakaabala, can I ask a favor?" I asked and they all nodded.
"Bakit ka naman makakaabala, Madame?" ngiti ni Brent.
"Uhm, can you please give this to Lt.?" I gave them the paper bag. "Kapag ayaw niya, sa inyo na lang or...sabihin niyo itapon na lang niya."
"Bakit...bakit naman aayawan 'to ni Pingu, Mama Pinga?" ani Earn na mukhang nag-aalangan.
I chuckled and bit my lower lip, "baka kasi 'di niya gusto, sa inyo na if ayaw niya. Salamat, boys. Work muna ako, ah? Later na lang."
I saw their mouths parted and it pained me seeing their faces like that pero ayaw kong makaabala sa trabaho nila kaya 'di na ako nagtagal at kumaway ng may ngiti at umalis.
I sighed hard when I got into my desk, napahawak pa ako sa dibdib dahil masikip iyon at suminghap.
"Damn you, Crest. Why do you keep on pushing yourself?" I whispered softly and when I saw the boys peeking at me ay dali-dali akong nagseryoso at kinuha ang mga folder.
Pansin ko ang titig nila sa akin kaya nag-focus na lang ako sa pag-sort ng files. I can feel the pressure when I heard the police around saluting at nang sumulyap ako ay kita kong nandoon na si Locket kasama si Carol.
When he glanced at me, dali-dali akong nagbaba ng tingin at inabala ang sarili. My heart hammered when I felt him stares directed at me and I felt his presence near me.
"Crest..." he called and I lifted my gaze at him and glanced at Carol before standing.
"Good morning, Cap, Lieutenant." I greeted formally and I saw Locket's forehead creased.
"What..." he asked me seriously.
"Locket," Carol called. "We have some case to review-"
"Later." Ani Locket na nakatitig pa rin sa akin.
"But Locket-"
"Leave me, mauna ka na sa opisina." Aniyang seryoso na hindi pa rin tinitignan si Carol. "I am talking to my Pinga."
I saw Carol's forehead creased, sinamaan ako ng tingin bago mabilis na umalis, nagdadabog pa kaya nilingon ko si Locket.
"Uh, anyway, sorry kasi ngayon ko lang na-sort ang files-" I gasped in shock when he pulled me for a hug, nanlaki ang mata ko nang hawakan niya ang baywang ko at ipinatong ang ulo sa balikat ko.
"I'm sorry..." he muttered softly and sighed, hugging me tighter. "I'm so sorry, Pinga. I'm wrong."
Nangingilid ang luha ko at gusto siyang yakapin pabalik dahil 'di ko kayang maging ganito pero hindi ko magawa sa takot na baka may magawa na naman akong mali at maistorbo sila.
I can't...I can never disturb, make them worry and hurt the people I love...not anymore. My problem stays with me, I don't want to add my burden on their shoulders.
"Sorry, Crest..." he whispered and kissed my head, "I'm so sorry, Pinga. What can I do to make up to you? Tell me what I have to do to fix it."
Hindi ako nakapagsalita sa lakas ng kalabog ng puso ko, nakita kong nakadungaw sa may kabilang desk sina Earn, Adam at Brent, nagtatago sa may ilalim ng lamesa.
"I'm so sorry, please..." he whispered and kissed my head again, "sorry, baby. I was panicking and I was worried and-"
"Wala 'yon, ano ka ba..." I chuckled and pushed him a bit, I saw confusion on his eyes and I smiled briefly at him.
"It's nothing, I was wrong and I understand your sentiments. Pasensya na kasi nakakaabala ako sa inyo-"
"You weren't a bother, hindi ka...hindi ka sakit sa ulo, Crest." He explained, his gray eyes are so soft it almost melted me. "I was wrong of raising my voice, I was wrong for saying that."
"Okay lang talaga," I said.
"You are not okay with it." Aniyang seryoso kaya mas ngumiti ako.
"Alam mo kung paano ako magiging okay?" I asked and he nodded like a kid and touched my arm.
"What I can do?" he asked me gently, licking his lip, looking so desperate.
"Tell me saan ko ilalagay itong files?" I asked and he nonchalantly pointed the lockers kaya tumango ako at tumango.
"Oh, okay, what happened no'ng nakaraan...ayos na 'yon." I smiled. "Nothing to worry about and thank you for worrying, Lieutenant."
"I'm..." his eyes looked like he'll cry. "I-I'm not Pingu anymore?"
"Ah, that..." I cleared my throat. "I'm so sorry for being feeling close. Masyado pala akong naging pabida rito. Sorry again, I'll try to be an efficient assistant in my remaining days here."
He blinked at me, "b-but I'm Pingu..."
"Excuse me, Lieutenant." I smiled. "Work po muna."
When I sat back on my chair, he remained standing there at kitang-kita ko sa gilid ng mata ko kung paano siya lapitan no'ng tatlo at hinila paalis.
"Ano ba 'yan, Lt. Tanga!" Earn hissed and pulled him kaya nanlaki ang mata ko ng bahagya.
"Anong tanga-gago ka ba?" Locket hissed.
"Bakit hindi ba?" Adam hissed and I noticed their silence.
"Gago ka kasi, Lt. Wala akong paki kung papalayasin mo ako rito sa presinto pero Mama Crest namin 'yan!" I heard Brent hissed. Mahinang usapan lang nila 'yon pero dinig ko naman.
"I'm not..." he sighed exasperatedly. "I-I'm not her Pingu anymore." I noticed his sadness and my heart ache pero hindi ko sila nilingon at nanatili akong nagpapanggap na nag-aayos dito.
"Hindi ka na talaga Pingu!" I heard Earn. "Kasi nakaka-badtrip ka, alam mo 'yon?! Hindi na kami tinatawag na babie ni Mama! Tawag niya sa amin guys! Mukha ba kaming guys? Babae ako, Lt. Tanga! Hindi na kami babies ni Mama Crest at kasalanan mo 'yan!"
"But I'm not...I'm not her Pingu." I heard Locket said sadly kaya nakuha ko ang tumbler at uminom para kalmahin ang sarili.
"Hindi na kasi bagay sa'yo 'yong Lt. Pingu." Adam muttered sarcastically. "Kasi ang tawag dapat sa'yo dahil sa ugali mong 'yan, alam mo kung ano?"
"Ano?" I heard him asked sadly.
"Lieutenant Pigsa." Ani Adam na seryoso pa kaya nabilaukan ako sa tubig na iniinom at natawa.
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