Once again
Author's Note: hey guys! Thanks for voting. I wanted to post two chapters but it turns out that I have been so distracted lately that I haven't written it and forgot completely, but since it has been quite a while since I have decided to give it to you this way and hope you will be patient for the next chapter. Thanks for reading. We now have only two chapters left.
Chapter 13
It wasn't that I was delaying on purpose to speak to Ariel. At least that's what I was telling myself as I accompanied Ariel and my mother to do some shopping. Although they've already done this souvenir sort of shopping twice already, my mother and Ariel still thought there was more to buy.
When we were at home and I was waiting for the right time to draw Ariel's attention and speak to her. My mother showed up and with many slow words and hand gestures, got Ariel excited to go shopping yet again.
I tagged along just to give myself more time to summon the courage I needed to tell her. This wasn't easy. Every time I saw her smiling and laughing with my mother I would cringe and walk further away from them. I didn't want to do anything to take that smile away.
"Kongpob, what are you doing all the way over there?" My mother sounded surprised. "First you said you want to go with us and now you are not even willing to walk with us?"
I was pretending to browse through the shelves but my mother already caught on. "That's..." I trailed off with nothing to say and walked back to her.
"What is it? Did you do something bad?"
I startled. Was this a mother's instinct? In any case, it was right on the mark. I shouldn't have let P'Arthit kiss me yesterday. I shouldn't have kissed him back like my world would fall apart if I didn't and I shouldn't be thinking about going to him when I am about to break someone's heart. I am a really bad person, mother.
She read my face and sighed. "What did you do? My son, you can tell me anything."
Ariel jumped over and said with excitement, "Mae, Look what I found!" she was holding a collection of tiny bracelets. My mother shook her head and began to berate her choice. Since I was spared again, I quickly slithered away and went to a corner to continue building my courage.
Not long after, Ariel and My mother were done. They came to find me and together we started to leave, but who knew my mother would suddenly remember that she needed some groceries.
"When Arthit comes today, I want to have food to feed him," she was saying.
"P'Arthit said he was coming today?" I asked, amazed.
"Yes, I want to prepare his favorite."
Ariel tugged my hand. "Arthit is coming again?" she asked quietly.
For some reason, I started to flush badly. "Yes, mom invited him... I think."
"Your mom really likes him, doesn't she? Exactly how close was your relationship?" she sounded interested but to me that sounded like the cue I needed to begin speaking. Naturally, I wouldn't do it here.
"Actually, Ariel, I have something to tell you. I sort of lied to you," I was still walking but Ariel fell behind. I turned to see her standing looking at me with a hesitantly surprised face.
"What did you lie about? Arthit?" she didn't have to say anymore and I knew it was time. Like it or not, this was where I would have to say it.
"P'Arthit isn't my friend like I told you. He is—"
"Arthit son," my mother's voice was rather loud. I turned and saw that she was calling for someone. Calling for Arthit? My breath caught in my throat. Slowly, Arthit walked out from behind a shelf looking very casual in jeans and polo. He was looking normally at my mother, but then he turned his head and saw Ariel and me. His expression hardened at once and he looked away without even a word.
"Kongpob, can you continue what you wanted to say?"
I wasn't hearing her. My focus was on P'Arthit who while he was talking to my mother did not even look my way once. I felt my hand being pulled and Ariel's eyes came into focus. "Kongpob?"
"Ariel, can I tell you at home? " I asked. She slowly nodded so I walked towards my mother and heard their conversation.
"Thank you for worrying about me Mae, but I am fine." He had a small smile on his face and looked normal so maybe I had imagined the look he gave me. Maybe he is mad that I have taken the whole day summoning the courage to speak to Ariel and haven't called him all day. I was simply trying to control myself. For what was left of the day and till Ariel returned to Chicago I wanted to be faithful to her. Maybe it was a stupid thought considering all the omissions of truth and the fact that I did kiss P'Arthit before telling her, but my conscience wouldn't allow me to go and be happy with P'Arthit, which I would be if I called him.
"P'Arthit," I greeted. He didn't even look at me before answering,
"Kongpob."
Silence fell like a cloak. Others could tell that there was tension between us just from that greeting alone.
"Arthit," Ariel said, "what a coincidence, we were just talking about you."
I glanced at her and saw no trace of suspicion on her face. "Mae was just saying that she wanted to buy things so that she can prepare dinner for you today. I hope you are coming."
P'Arthit turned fully to us. "I am very grateful but I can't, I still have a lot of work to do."
"Oh. Too bad," she said. "I guess I won't be seeing you again for a while."
"I guess so. Safe journey on your flight tomorrow."
She nodded smiling pleasantly. After the sort of sweet and friendly exchange, he turned to my mother. "I will visit soon Mae," he said.
"Okay. If you are busy then there is nothing I can do, but make sure you are getting enough rest. You look really stressed, Arthit."
P'Arthit touched his face and smiled, "I do? Well, once this project is done I will get a lot of rest. I have to go now, Mae."
"Okay."
After that, he crossed passed me and left. I guess it was better this way, less suspicious, it wouldn't be wise if we started looking too close. Ariel didn't need that. Still, yesterday P'Arthit did not look like he was too concerned about Ariel. Maybe it was the heat of the moment clouding his mind, but if I hadn't stopped us P'Arthit would have let us go all the way. How did he turn around to start acting like this? Something was wrong.
We were already halfway to the car when I stopped walking and began looking around hoping to spot P'Arthit. There were people trooping out of Siam carrying bags or dragging pulleys, noise everywhere with no familiar voices. I saw some students in their uniforms enter a shop.
"Kongpob."Ariel's voice sounded troubled when she called me. "What are you looking for?"
"Ariel, can you drive home with mom, I have to see something," I said quickly. I couldn't find P'Arthit in this crowd.
"Okay, sure. Where are you going?"
"I will be right back." With that, I hurried off back into the supermarket and started checking every corner. After wasting nearly thirty minutes and coming up empty, I looked at the time and saw that it was past six already. Where else would P'Arthit go?
Quickly I got out of the supermarket. My mother and Ariel were not waiting for me and I took a taxi straight to P'Arthit's place. The ride over took a little too long but it gave me some time to think about what P'Arthit was probably angry about. When he was angry, he would usually start with the silent treatment, never letting me know what he was angry about. I would try to pretend that I was okay but eventually, I would ask him what was wrong and that usually, nine out of ten times, leads into an explosive quarrel. If I could figure out what has him upset then I could just resolve it fast and we wouldn't have to fight. But what could it be? Last time, P'Arthit was angry because he thought I wasn't choosing him but I told him that I am. Even if he sees me with Ariel, can he trust that I have already made my choice? That jealous guy, when would I stop assuming that he knows how much I love him? I tell him every day but it is like it never really sinks in.
The taxi stopped in front of P'Arthit's gate. I got down and paid the driver. It was dark now, the street lights were on and the lights in front of the white painted houses were shining brightly on their porch. I could clearly make out the back and hair of Puna standing on P'Arthit's porch. She was talking to P'Arthit I expect.
I didn't move and waited to watch what was happening, then Puna turned and started walking my way. If she saw me here she would suspect something, but did I care? She and P'Arthit broke up and it shouldn't concern her anymore. Plus, I wasn't ashamed of the fact that I loved P'Arthit. I am only ashamed that I would have to hurt someone I cared about very much. Clenching my fist, I met her eyes head-on.
"Kongpob." She didn't sound surprised. "Are you waiting for Arthit?"
"Isn't he at home?" I asked.
She nodded. We stood there looking at each other. I wanted to pass her and go find P'Arthit but for some reason, I couldn't move.
"You are the one, right?" she asked. I didn't respond. "The one Arthit can't forget no matter how hard he tried. Does Ariel know? Are you two going to break up now?"
She was being a little nosy but when I thought about it, she did have some right to be. Although I didn't feel like she should say anything to me seeing as she had betrayed P'Arthit. "..."
"I hope you two make each other happy. It's not right that others should suffer because you can't make the right decision."
"I don't know what you are talking about. I didn't cause you to suffer." My very first response was met with laughter.
"Really? Why do you think Arthit and I broke up," she asked.
I thought it was because she betrayed him but was she saying it had something to do with me?
"You know what, ask him. Maybe he would tell you." With that, she walked past me.
My shoulders suddenly felt heavy and when I raised my eyes, P'Arthit was on his porch waiting for me. Was I the reason he and Puna broke up. Well, I wasn't sure how to feel about this. I already felt guilty about Ariel so I will just have to shove this more guilt under it and move forward.
"Why are you here?" he asked me as soon as I was in front of him. "You didn't even call. What if I wasn't at home? You are supposed to call before coming to someone's house."
"I missed you," I broke off his ranting and he stopped to look at me without changing his hard expression. "I came because I miss you and you didn't even look at me today. Have I done something wrong? Tell me so that I can apologize and change."
Towards P'Arthit I was weak. I completely surrender to him. I can't endure anymore and I won't try to fight anymore. No matter what I have to face, I must have this.
"You didn't do anything wrong."
"Then?"
"Then don't stand outside, the neighbors are watching. "After that, I was dragged inside, I finally got to see the inside of P'Arthit's house. It was like him. His living room wasn't wide and only had a sofa; flat-screen TV and a fluffy table. The kitchen looked bare. P'Arthit still hasn't learned to cook much. I could just tell.
While I was feeling excited to be walking around P'Arthit's living room, he was watching me. I felt his eyes follow me until I turned to meet them.
"What?" I asked.
"Have you told her?"
My shoulder's tensed and I paused, then I shook my head. No point delaying. "I was going to tell her when I saw you. I will tell her as soon as I get home. She is leaving tomorrow so I definitely have to."
"No, you don't. Don't tell her anything."
I frowned, confusion wearing my face. "What do you mean?"
"I mean leave it. We didn't do anything so it's okay not to say anything. Just end it, here and now and it wouldn't matter anymore."
My heart trembled lightly, but I steadied myself, placing my hand on the kitchen counter. "End it? I am sorry P'Arthit but I don't understand. You want me to end..." the words wouldn't come.
"We can't' be together, Kongpob. You should know this by now."
"Why?!" I raised my voice. "You said you love me, you wanted me to choose. Well, I have chosen and I choose you. I love you and you are mad if you think I am going to let you walk away from this again."
"The truth is, Kongpob, I don't think we work at all," he said shifting away from me. I watch him walk over to the sofa and stood. "Your dreams and mine are not the same."
"So? Just because two people don't have the same dream doesn't mean they can't be together."
"Not us. If we do this, it would only hurt. Remember how it ended before. It didn't matter that we loved each other, and it doesn't matter now. I don't want to take that risk again."
I shook my head, my heart beating wildly. "I don't understand. Last night it was okay. You were happy and you didn't have this kind of thought, what are you saying now."
"I am saying that I don't want to be with you, Kongpob."
"I don't believe you," I started to reach for him but he pulled away from me fast.
"Go back to Ariel, go back to Chicago. Leave me alone and let me live my life. As long as you around, I won't ever be happy. So go." The words were really cruel and they cut so deep that my eyes started to blur.
Still, I thought, still it can't be like this. "P'Arthit, why are you saying this to me? What happened? Please, tell me what happened, I will fix it."
"You can't fix it, don't you get it!" he shouted, "I have thought hard about this before coming to this decision and we have already spent eight years of our lives apart, look at us. We are happy where we are, but the minute we come together, it becomes a disaster and I don't want that kind of pressure on me."
I close my eyes and covered my eyes. Moisture touched my fingers. "I don't get it," my voice choked with tears. "How you can give up on me so easily. Again you give up without trying."
"There is nothing to try. I just want to go back to my life and I want you to go back to yours."
"But, you are my life. Before and now."
"I am not. Look how well you lived without me."
Silence fell between us and I tried to pull back my emotions but I felt like I was bleeding inside.
"You left and you thought my life was better without you, didn't you?" I said opening my eyes to look at him. "You thought that by leaving me to have that great opportunity I was happy? You were wrong. Do you remember that time eight years ago? I'm sure this was after you came to Chicago and left without seeing me. I called you. That one last time. What did I ask you, P'Arthit?"
He looked at me and I could see his mind trying to pull the memory up. "Let me tell you. 'P'Arthit... can I come home?' that's what I asked. I was so desperate. Everything around me had lost all color and all I wanted was for you to tell me to come home to you. I just wanted to come home to you. Do you remember what you said?"
His eyes widen and I could see that he remembers. "You said, 'no, stay there. Don't you come back.' And that was it. I realized then that you didn't care about me, not really. You would always find a reason to break us apart. Even if I work this out and convince you today, tomorrow it would be another thing and... and you think you are doing it for me!"
I wiped my tears as much as I could but they kept coming. "Stop kidding yourself. You are only doing it for you. You are too afraid that I would forget you, that I would find something better and so you push me away to protect yourself, not me. Not me. and I was a fool to think that I mattered enough. I will stop being a fool now. I may never stop loving you, P'Arthit, but I am really better off without you, at least in that much you are right."
Arthit
It wasn't how I expected it to go. I thought about this conversation all day and made this decision and guarded myself against any argument Kongpob would bring. I was sure I would win. I was sure he would see my point but why did it feel like I lost and like I don't know what I am doing anymore.
After spending the whole day being exhausted since I didn't sleep at all last night, I wanted to escape into my office and sleep through lunch. Who knew that I would see Puna at her desk, working. She even smiled at me without so much as a shadow in it. While I felt uncomfortable given how things ended last night and how I had immediately gone to kiss Kongpob, she was all sunshine and rainbow.
After trying and failing to ignore the tension between us and the elephant seating in the room, I called her to the rooftop to talk. She was happy, she said. She had wanted to stay home but realized that she got bored with it very fast so she came to work. Once I could confirm that she wasn't still hurt by what happened, I could only let her return. She wanted to stay friends with me so the two of us started to go back to our office. We happened to pass Kongpob's temporary office which no longer belonged to him and was being used by someone else and I couldn't help but stop to look at it. He hasn't called yet and I was feeling impatient and wondering maybe he has changed his mind about telling his girlfriend.
"It's Kongpob, isn't it," was said right next to my ear. I stiffened and turned to look at her. "The one you are in love with?"
I didn't deny it. "How did you know?"
"The way you look at him is the way I want you to look at me. wanted." She laughed abashedly. "I wonder if Ariel knows." Her voice was wistful.
"She will, soon," I admitted and started to walk back to my office the urge to speak to Kongpob and confirm that he was still going to tell her unbearably.
Puna was behind me following closely, "if Ariel and Kongpob breakup I wonder what is going to happen."
"What?" aside from going their separate ways, what else would happen?
"You know that Kongpob works for Ariel's father. Do you think he would allow Kongpob to keep working there after he broke his daughter's heart? Okay, yes, Kongpob would have to quit on his own and come back to Thai. He has been working for almost five years, I wonder if he would be okay."
I was staring at her as she wondered quietly on her own. Once she saw that I was still listening to she startled. "Oh, I'm sorry. I spoke a lot just now. Arthit please don't listen to anything I said, I was just rambling." She shook her head and began to move past me.
"How do you know that Kongpob works for Ariel's father?"
"How could you not know? Didn't you look up the company? Their surnames are the same. I also looked up Kongpob and he rose quite fast in the company. I don't want to say it but it might have to do with the fact that he is dating the CEO's daughter."
"What?" that was affronting. "Kongpob has the qualification to get to where he is now. He and Ariel only started dating a year ago."
She sighed, "I guess I don't know what I am talking about. Just that if Kongpob gives up that position in his life now, how long will it take to get back up again? I am just wondering."
She walked away after that leaving me to stew alone. She was absolutely right. Like an idiot, I have only been thinking of what would happen after Kongpob and Ariel broke up. I didn't see all Kongpob would have to give up for me: his home and life and job. What? That is too much. My heart started to beat a little faster. Kongpob giving that up wasn't possible but knowing him, he would foolishly do it. Then who would be to blame, me? At this point in our lives, we shouldn't be giving up things. Love just isn't worth setting Kongpob back eight years.
I thought all day of how to minimize the problem but no solution was good enough so now I have to end it before I ruin him. But to hear him say that I did it for me instead? That was a blow that was too hard to ignore but what can I do. What can I say?
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