Wasted Years
Chapter 12
P'Arthit was really silent throughout dinner. Not generally, just to me. To my mother and father, even Ariel, he was talking a lot, moving from one conversation to the next with barely any breaks. He looked like he missed my parents and I had to wonder why he had stayed away so long.
While we were eating, I noticed Ariel being particularly sweet to me. Once she told my mother how she would go back to Chicago alone giving me at least a week with her, my mother changed attitude and started treating her well. She had us seated together while Arthit sat opposite of us. He didn't look our way often but when he did I would catch him focused on Ariel's hand on mine, or when she put food on my plate.
Soon dinner was over. P'Arthit should be leaving now, it was almost midnight already.
"I don't feel sleepy Kongpob," Ariel was saying to me. "I think I'll go take a walk first since we ate so late. I should hope that a walk would help my food digest faster."
I wasn't paying attention, however. My mom and P'Arthit were talking and I was trying to hear what they were saying.
"Kongpob?" Ariel linked hands with me and smiled," do you want to go with me?" it was at that moment that P'Arthit looked at us and his expression changed so noticeably that I was shocked. His brow squeezed together and he looked away with sharpness around his jaw. "Kongpob?" Ariel was being particularly cheery tonight.
I looked at her. "Ariel, can you go without me? I just want to see P'Arthit off first."
She looked reluctant but said, "Right. Okay. Then don't fall asleep before me." with that, she turned my face down to hers and perked my lips. I tried not to stiffen because P'Arthit was right across the room looking. This was okay though, it wasn't unusual to be kissed by my girlfriend, but why did it feel like I was doing something wrong anyway. Maybe because ever since I saw P'Arthit my heart has never been so conflicted. I can feel it every day, that strong sense that I belonged with P'Arthit, and that I never should have given up or let him give up on me. Why didn't we fight, why did we let ourselves fall apart like that? I can't understand it anymore. I can't understand the reasons that kept me away for all these years.
The minute her lips left mine I looked towards the door where P'Arthit was standing and he wasn't there. "What's wrong Kongpob?" Ariel looked behind too with confusion.
"Ariel, I have to go talk to P'Arthit, okay?" I didn't give her room to reply and ran out of the house. I was worried that P'Arthit had already driven off but his car was still there. I rushed to it and looked in. P'Arthit wasn't inside. Immediately I was grabbed from behind and turned around. It was P'Arthit looking very angry.
"P'Arthit—"Before I could speak he already blocked my mouth with a finger. He looked towards the door and shook his head then he dragged me by my hand away from his car and started pulling me away further down the street.
"P'Arthit stop," I wasn't controlling my movement but was being dragged forcefully away. He didn't listen to me and kept pulling me into the basketball court nearby. I decided to pull back and take his hand off. "What's wrong with you?"
"What is wrong with you," he ended up throwing my question back at me with a harsh lowered voice. "You are the most frustrating person I know, do you know that?" he looked so irritated and was all but pacing as he released many angry words at me.
"Why are you angry?" I had to ask.
"You don't know? How can you not know when you are the only person alive that can piss me off this much? "
As soon as he said that I wanted to defend myself but he wasn't done. Before I could speak he grabbed the front of my dress and said with a bitter voice. "What do you want? Why can't you make up your damn mind?"
"P'Arthit, calm down, what are you talking about."
He sighed and said weakly, "I can't keep this up with you Kongpob? I'm tired of being the only one who wants this."
It dawned on me like a clear morning what had P'Arthit upset and I closed my mouth.
"I thought maybe you could finally make the choice yourself, maybe I wouldn't have to do anything but it is always this push and pull with you. You come to me and then you go back again."
"It's not like that, P'Arthit."
"Sure it is. When you followed me on that trip when I didn't want you to and then told me you wanted to marry Ariel. When you told me to push you away this evening because you are a bad person for wanting me and then looking so... happy with her. What exactly do you want?"
"You are not the only one suffering. I'm sorry that it looks like I don't know what I want but I do. I know it to the depth of my bones and I can't even deny it or pretend that I don't." we stared at each other and I continued, "But I can't just rush forward without thinking. What kind of a person would I be if I just took what I wanted without caring... She is my friend. She has done so much for me."
"So you are going to marry her?"
I looked away thinking about Ariel and how she would be so hurt my this. P'Arthit started to pull away but I caught both his arms. "How can I? Ever since I met you again, I should have known that all my plans would be ruined. P'Arthit, you've completely overturned my life."
"Do you hate me then..."
"No. are you mad? I love you." The words were out. I can't take them back again so I took a breath and opened my mouth to say them again. Louder this time but he pushed forward and his lips seized mine. I didn't expect a kiss but the minute lips were on mine, the second I knew who they belonged to and how much I loved him, it all rushed all over me in waves.
I gripped his hair as I kissed him back, nearly falling over with the force of my response. P'Arthit clung on to me and opened his mouth to me with a sigh. It was a wonder that I remember the way it feels to kiss P'Arthit so vividly. That feeling, there was nothing that can compare to it.
P'Arthit's fingers were digging into my arm and his moans were loud in my ear as were the racing of my blood. I was losing my mind. Why did it have to feel this good? I wanted to at least hate this, but all I could feel was a strong desire for more and every other thought besides the point of our mouth touching and our bodies rubbing together fled me.
His hands were touching everywhere and driving me crazy. He was kissing me till I couldn't even think and my breathing could no longer steady. Still, it wasn't enough. I wanted to feel him so much that I moved my mouth from his swollen lips to his neck to taste P'Arthit's sweet skin. He pulled me back to his lips demandingly and we kissed without stopping. Only after a moment did awareness come back to us but still P'Arthit wouldn't leave me alone. Even as we pull away he kept distracting me with little lingering kisses, his fingers clenched around the hem of my clothes.
Breathing fast I said, "I should tell her first."
"You should," he agreed and kissed me so deeply that I didn't want to go anywhere but take him home and press him into his bed for the rest of the night. I didn't think I could calm down on my own tonight.
"But I don't want to let you go," I groaned into his neck and pushed my fingers passed his clothes to feel warm skin that felt like silk in my hand.
"Yes," P'Arthit moaned, "don't let me go. If you want to go with me tonight Kong," he breathed as I bit down slowly and sucked hard on his skin, my fingers moved up to pinch one of the two desirable dots on his chest. "Just go with me. I don't care about being a good person right now and thinking about anything else is too hard."
My head was going to explode with P'Arthit goading me on like this. "P'Arthit," I exhaled. The worst thing, the worst thing would be if Ariel finds out like this. As soon as the thought occurred to me I pulled away forcefully and turned my back to him.
"Kong?" I felt him draw nearer so I shifted away. I licked my swollen lip and said, "go home, P'Arthit."
Arthit
I thought he was driving me away. I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. I couldn't help the race of arousal coursing through my veins. Kong should be next to me right now. I wanted to kiss him so hard and to be held by him. I have never been in so much want for years. One kiss and it was like I became a starving beggar just about ready to die when Kongpob stopped touching me.
His hands on me made my head spin, made me completely needy. I forgot how good this could be. How was I supposed to last till Kong told Ariel?
I was on my way back home and all I could think about was Kong. I wish he hadn't told me to go home without him. I nearly begged him but he was right. I had to grudgingly accept that it would hurt Ariel too much. To me, I think she would hurt either way. Kong never should have kept the truth from her. Maybe it would have been easier. None of this would have happened if I didn't walk away from him in the first place. If I hadn't thought it would be better for him if I wasn't in his life.
I pulled up in front of my house and went in. Going to my house alone made it seem bigger, emptier than usual. After taking a shower and washing off Kong's scent off me, I settled on the bed for a sleepless night. It was already past two in the morning, I had work in a few hours, but I couldn't sleep.
I was staring at the ceiling over my bed and trying not to relieve the memory of kissing Kong so that I could sleep. The phone next to my bed suddenly vibrated. I turned slowly and saw Kong's name flashing. My heart jumped and I grabbed for it.
"Are you coming?" I asked.
He laughed slightly, "no," he said. "It's late P'Arthit. I thought I wouldn't get you. I was just calling because my hands were restless and I couldn't sleep."
Hearing that pleased me so much I rolled on the bed to hold back my sound of pleasure. "I can't sleep either," I said. "I... miss you."
"I miss you too. I wish I had gone home with you." I knew not to ask him why he didn't. Kong wanted to do the right thing by the woman who took care of him when I walked away so how could I say anything.
"Have you told her?" I figured that he hadn't though since he would be on his way to me by now but he was whispering and trying not to wake anyone. He was still at home and Ariel was likely next to him.
"No, I couldn't," he said. "I wanted to but she was sleeping when I got back and I... I don't want to wake her just to say that to her."
"Yeah," I agreed with him. "You should tell her in the morning anyway and you probably shouldn't come to me too soon either."
"Why not?" His response was fast and almost dissatisfied.
"Well, because it wouldn't be right. You would look unapologetic."
"I am apologetic, I really am. I wish I didn't have to do this, but if I have to stay away from you for one more day," he pulled in a breath and I smiled. Of course, I was only saying that through my nose. How could I tell him to stay away much longer than this, I already wanted him next to me.
"P'Arthit," he called. "Why did we break up?" this question again.
"I don't think we actually did Kongpob," I said. "Well, when I left Chicago in anger, you kept trying to keep in contact with me, remember?"
"Yes. You didn't like talking to me."
"Only because I was worried about the charges. And I was still annoyed with you."
We fell silent for a few seconds then I continued, "but then I decided to go back. I was ready to just keep on enduring your long hours and your flirting—"
"P'Arthit, I never flirted," he complained.
"It's not my fault that you have that funny way of talking. When you talk normally and try to help girls, it sounds like you are flirting." I shrugged as he pulled in a breath.
"P'Arthit, I really don't know how you can think like this. Are you sure you are not reading too much into what you see?"
"You are just... too nice Kong. And when you talk and really try to help people, I find it very..." it was embarrassing so I stopped.
"You find it very what?" he asked. I knew he knows what I wanted to say and so I refuse to finish it. "P'Arthit, you can't leave your sentences like that, you have to finish."
"Very annoying, that's what I wanted to say," I said, feeling my cheeks burn a little.
"Yeah, I think what you really wanted to say was very attractive. I thought you hated when I was being helpful."
My cheeks were burning fully now. I denied, "I didn't say I hate it."
"But secretly, you liked it."
"Oh god," I palmed my face and shook my head. "Really Kong, you just like to hear anything you like."
"But P'Arthit, to be really honest," he paused, "all those girls were just my course mates. I didn't have anything besides friendship with them. Even if you don't believe me from the way it looks, at least believe that I love you and I would never hurt you. I would never love anyone the way that I love you. I am so in love with you sometimes, it scares me, and because you were everything to me. When you left I couldn't take it."
I breath slowly and said," I came back." Maybe I shouldn't tell him this because it was a long time ago but I felt that if we had to start things anew it would be better if he knows. "I didn't want to leave either so I came back."
"When P'Arthit. I don't remember."
"That's because I didn't stay. After coming back I realized something. "I told him about what I saw and everything that I concluded on my own and why I thought it was best to leave.
"I should have seen you," he suddenly blurted out with such passion that I couldn't correct. "If I had seen you then you wouldn't have been able to leave. I wouldn't have let you and we wouldn't have lost these eight years of our lives."
I didn't want to think about the last eight years as lost but when I thought about it, only my career life was worth talking about. All my relationships crashed and burned until the end.
"Kong, I wish I could say that I should have stayed but even you think about it, wasn't it better for you that I didn't."
There was silence. I knew he was thinking about how he wouldn't have had the opportunities he got if I hadn't left him that day.
"P'Arthit. I suffered a lot when you left me. I told you, why would I want that."
"Even with your life as it is now?"
"P'Arthit, I feel like shaking you. My life now has brought me to this point where I have to hurt a really good person. Besides, what do you think of yourself exactly? Do you seriously think that if you were with me I wouldn't have the opportunities I had?" he breathes silently." P'Arthit, I'm sorry I accused you of hindering me. If those words hurt you please forgive me and forget them, they are not true. You really mean everything to me, then and now. Even if I don't get those opportunities, I don't care. Others would come. You don't hinder me P'Arthit. You are my happiness, my lucky star, Aioon."
I felt my cheeks flame again. Why was with him being so silly. "I didn't say any of that."
"But you were thinking about it. That's why you left that night. I wish had seen you."
I smiled and let the matter go. I was amazed at how he took those words so deeply. He seemed to think it was his mistake and that he was to blame for all of it whereas I was the one who decided to leave him alone. It is my fault that these years have been wasted. Like this, we talked until it was morning. Only by four am did I begin to fall asleep.
When I woke up to my alarm, I felt almost dead so I wanted to keep on sleeping but then I remembered that I couldn't miss work. Sluggishly I rolled to a seating position and sat for nearly thirty minutes. My alarm rang again to warn me and I sprang out of my room and into the bathroom, bathe, brush my teeth, styled my hair and still I was too tired.
I got to work as fast as I could just in time to catch my boss. We spent the better part of the morning making plans then when I thought I would fall down blind, it was over and it was lunchtime. To my shock, Puna was at her table.
Bạn đang đọc truyện trên: Truyen3h.Co