Chapter Eighteen
MIGS
Saskia was cuddled against my side, her face buried in my chest, and her arm wrapped around my waist. She was so beautiful to look at when she's sleeping. She looked angelic with dark lashes resting against her olive cheek. My eyes unintentionally lowered. One of her perky breasts were exposed while the other was covered with white blanket. She was naked and so was I. Memories of last night came rushing back.
"Migs..." Her eyes fluttered open.
My body stiffened and I tried to move away from her. I felt awkward. She sat up like a jack-in-the-box, clutching the blanket to her chest like it was her lifeline.
"Y-yung nangyari kagabi... um..." She stuttered.
"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, Saskia." I sighed heavily as I massaged my temples. "Hindi dapat ako nagpunta dito. I shouldn't have done that to you."
Even though I was drunk I could still recall everything we did last night. I drowned myself with alcohol and I remember thinking I didn't want to go home to a sad, lonely condo unit but I also didn't want to go to my parents' because I didn't want them to see me so intoxicated that I could barely stand. Saskia's house was the only place where I could take my mask off and release myself from all the pretense. Sa mga oras na iyon siya lang ang alam kong pwede kong puntahan at harapin ng ganon ako. She was the only one who knew the vulnerable side of me, the side I kept hidden from the world.
A sad smile broke across her face. "Huwag mo nang isipin 'yon. Lasing ka lang kagabi at ako naman si gaga nagpadala. Ako naman talaga ang may kasalanan kasi ako ang nasa tamang pag-iisip. Dapat pinigilan kita pero-"
"No, don't blame yourself please. We both wanted it or at least I did. I mean, sana hindi ka napilitan lang. I feel like I used you." I lowered my gaze, feeling more guilty now.
"Ginusto ko rin naman yun." She bit her bottom lip and looked at me worried. "Pero paano si Hazel? Hindi na tama itong ginagawa natin..."
I felt my heart dropping to my stomach when I heard her name. The scene from yesterday began to play in my mind again. My face haedened, my jaw clenched, and my hands curled into fists. It still hurt like hell. I knew I cheated first but it still hurt like hell. If I could, I would go back to when I went to the hotel and beat the hell out of the man she fucked. I was so overwhelmed that all I wanted to do at that time was to get away. I knew what she was trying to do, she wanted to get back at me. Gusto niyang iparamdam sa akin ang naramdaman niya. And damn, she succeeded. I could feel the pain resonating inside me.
"I already told her about you and the baby."
Saskia's eyes widened. "A-ano'ng sabi niya?"
I shrugged.
Her face shifted into a concerned expression. "Kaya pala naglasing ka kagabi. Kung gusto mo kakausapin ko siya. Ipaliliwanag ko ang lahat sa kanya at-"
"Ako na ang bahala dun." I swallowed, trying hard not to let my emotions show.
"Migs, ano bang pwede kong gawin? Kasalanan ko 'to eh. Ang landi ko kasi. Hindi ko naman sinasadya makasira ng relasyon. Hindi na dapat ako pumayag..." She looked like she was about to cry.
"Saskia, hindi lang ikaw ang may kasalanan dito. If anything, it was mostly my fault. I knew I was getting married and I still touched you."
"May pwede ba akong magawa para magkaayos kayo?" Her voice shook as she tried her best to keep herself from crying.
I shook my head and nipped her chin between two fingers. "Just don't think about it. Ayaw kong mag-isip ka at ma-stress. It wouldn't be good for the baby. I was the one who fucked up, not you, okay? Ako ang sumunod sa'yo noong bachelor party at ako ang pumunta sa'yo kagabi. Besides, there really isn't any point kung magsisisihan tayo. We're two consenting adults, the baby is already there, and Hazel already knows."
"Paano ang kasal niyo?"
"I don't know, Saskia." I tightly shut my eyes and huffed, feeling the pressure in my chest. "Hindi pa namin napapag-usapan yun. Our relationship is kind of rocky right now."
"Sorry talaga, Migs." She said in a low voice as she fidgeted with her hand.
"She had sex with another man to get even with me." My voice croacked so I had to clear my throat. I was trying so bad not to explode in anger and tears. I was the first man who'd ever touched her and I thought I'd be the last and only one. I couldn't stand the thought of another man having her.
Gulat na nag-angat ng tingin sa akin si Saskia. I saw mixture of shock and sympathy. "Migs..."
"I hurt her and now she wants to hurt me back. I didn't expect her to understand pero hindi ko din inaasahan na gagawin niya iyon. I don't know what she plans to do next but I don't want to leave her. I don't want to end our relationship like this. We've hurt each other but in spite of everything, I still love her." I exhaled.
"Sana maayos niyo pa yan." She looked at me with sad eyes. "Hindi naman ako maghahabol o hihingi ng kahit ano mula sa inyo. Hindi ko kayo guguluhin at hindi din naman kailangan malaman ng iba. Gusto ko lang sustentuhan mo ang baby natin. Gusto ko lang magkaron siya ng magandang kinabukasan."
"I will not keep my child hidden, Saskia. It's my child and everyone will know of it. Kung hindi niya kayang tanggapin ang magiging anak natin, if she makes me choose between her and the baby, I'll choose our baby. Ayaw kong balang-araw isipin niya na tinatago ko siya dahil isa siyang pagkakamali. Do you understand?"
She nodded her head. Even though I was intoxicated last night, I knew I wanted whatever happened to us last night to happen. I needed comfort and I found it in her. I always find it in her. It made me feel terrible because I felt like I just used her. Na galit ako kay Hazel but it never crossed my mind to get back to her by having sex with Saskia. Nangyari na lang iyon. It was maddening to be near her beacuse I lose control everytime. I'd always been in control until her. Last night, I feel like a wild animal let out of its cage, so I acted like a wild animal do. It was so primal. It amazed me how instinctual the whole things was. She unbalances me but at the same time balances me with the imbalances. I was like a can of soda that had been shaken up too hard. All the pressure inside me built up and with Saskia, I found release. Dear Lord, I knew this was wrong from the very beginning but still I dove in head first.
"I'm sorry for taking advantage of you." I brushed my fingers through my aching head.
"Hindi ganon yun. Sabi mo nga, pareho natin ginusto ang nangyari. Mali ang ginagawa natin, at sa totoo lang nakokonsensya na ako dahil alam kong may nasasaktan tayong tao pero pareho natin ginusto iyon." She stressed out and then sighed. "Masakit ba ang ulo mo?"
"Just a little." I said even though I felt like my head was being cracked in half.
"Mabuti pa maligo ka muna para maginhawaan ka naman ng konti. Bababa lang ako para magluto. Kung gusto mo, sumabay kang mag-agahan sa amin." She said.
I nodded my head. Maybe a shower would make me feel better.I quietly watched as she stood from the bed clutching the blanket around her naked body. She put on underwear and a nightdress.
"Saskia." I said as she reached over the doorknob. She paused and turned her head to me. "I know we met in a wrong way. I know what we're doing is wrong but you're the only thing that's keeping me sane. If something good can come from the bad then it's our baby. Thank you, Saskia."
"Migs." She smiled.
"Yeah?"
"Wala akong naiintindihan masyado sa sinabi mo pero welcome." She said before turning the knob and walked out of the room.
I was left here with my own thoughts. Everything made me question about my relationship and feelings for Hazel and Saskia. They were the polar opposite of each other. There was Hazel who makes me feel like I was something, like I was bigger than life, better than I really was. With her, I feel accomplished. I feel like I was the person I'm striving to be. She gives me the confidence that I needed in the world we were in. She supports me and need for achievements. And Saskia, she humbles me with my ego and grounds me when I couldn't find my own feet. She had humanized me and reminded me that I wasn't as spotless and invincible as I once thought I was. I thought I was better than most people. I had put myself up a pedestal and she had kicked it out from under me. I get tired too. I couldn't be strong all the time, sometimes I just wanted someone to lean on to. Sometimes I just want to be vulnerable, and there's this sense of freedom and fearlesness in owning up to it.
SASKIA
Sandali kong tinitigan si Migs habang tahimik siyang kumakain. Ramdam ko ang bigat ng dibdib niya. Tahimik siya at kapag kinakausap naman tipid ang salita. Hindi naman ganyan si Migs noon saka pag mga kapatid ko ang kausap niya talagang parang interesado siya sa mga sinasabi nila. Ngayon parang wala siya sa mood makipag-usap.
Nag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin at mabilis akong umiwas ng tingin. Tahimik na nakatayo si Ninang Jodie sa tabi ng lababo at para bang nagmamasid sa amin habang si Mammy naman ay abala sa paghuhugas. Alam nilang natulog si Migs dito at magkasama kami buong magdamag kaya ang bakla nagmamaldita na naman.
Pagkatapos kumain ay nagpaalam na si Migs kina Mammy, Ninang at sa mga kapatid ko. Hinatid ko siya hanggang sa harap ng pinto ng bahay.
"Ikaw na ang bahala kay baby." Bumaba ang kamay niya sa tiyan ko at marahang hinaplos iyon. Sumilay ang ngiti sa mga labi niya. Yung ngiting hindi pilit. "Baby, magpakabait ka. Kailangan ng umalis ni Daddy, babalik din ako."
Tumango ako. Ito na naman ako at ang mga ilusyon kong napaka-imposible. Ayaw ko nang mag-ilusyon. Masakit na, bes.
"Thanks, Saskia." Nag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin. "Don't forget to take your vitamins. Yung sonogram ni baby pinakita ko kay Mama at Dad, tuwang-tuwa silang dalawa."
Lumawak ang ngiti ko sa sinabi ni Migs. Noon kasing bumisita kami sa doktor binigyan kami ng picture ni baby sa loob ng tiyan ko. Hindi pa talaga siya buong baby kasi magdadalawang buwan pa lang siya pero nagsisimula na siyang humugis na parang bata. Dahil dugong bughaw si baby, naka 4d ultrasound pa siya kaya talagang malinaw.
"Sana maayos niyo ni Hazel ang kung anumang hindi niyo pagkakaunawaan." Sabi ko. Oo, may nararamdaman na ako kay Migs pero ayokong ako ang maging dahilan ng pagkasira ng relasyon nila. May nangyari nga sa amin pero tanggap ko naman na hindi ako ang mahal niya at hindi ako ang babaeng nararapat para sa kanya.
Bumuntong-hininga si Migs at sandaling tinitigan ako. "I need to go."
"Mag-ingat ka." Sabi ko bago siya tumango at tumalikod. Pinanood ko siyang pumasok sa kotse hanggang sa umandar na iyon palayo. Nang hindi ko na matanaw iyon at isinara ko na ang pinto.
"Aray!" Napaigti ako ng maramdaman ang kirot sa pwet ko. Lumingon ako at nakita si Ninang na nakatayo sa likod ko. "Ninang naman eh! Masakit yun ah!"
"Ang harot mo rin eh no? Nagpakangkang ka na naman."
"Ninang, hindi-"
"Ay! Huwag kang magdedeny, kanina ka pa namin napapansin ng Nanay mo na umiika-ika ka habang naglalakad saka amoy zonrox ka pa!"
"Si Ninang naman." Lumabi ako bago ko ibinagsak ang katawan ko sa couch. "Eh may magagawa ba ako? Hindi ako makahindi. Mahal ko eh."
"Manang-mana ka talaga sa Nanay mo. Ganyan na ganyan siya sa tatlong tatay niyong magkakapatid." Umiling si Ninang bago tumabi sa akin. "Nag-enjoy ka ano?"
"Oo naman." Hindi naman ako tumanggi. "Syempre ito yung unang beses na naranasan ko talaga makipagsex kasi noong una, wala naman akong masyadong matandaan. Kaya like a virgin ako kagabi. Saka, Ninang, ganon pala yung feeling ng organism no?"
"Yung ano?" Kumunot ang noo niya.
"Yung pag nag-aano kayo tapos parang may sumasabog sa loob mo. Masarap pala talaga." Humagikgik ako.
"Gaga ka talaga! Ano'ng organism? Ano ka halaman? Orgasm! Ewan ko ba kung saan mo nakukuha yung mga pinagsasabi mo." Umiiling na umikot ang mga mata niya. "O ano masakit pukelya mo ano? Malandi ka kasing bata ka."
"Eh malaki talaga siya, Ninang."
"Talaga?" Nanlaki ang mga mata niya. "Ilang inches?"
"Hindi ko alam. Alangan naman maglabas pa ako ng ruler habang nag-aano kami para sukatin ko yung ano niya."
Humalakhak siya. "Hay, inaanak talaga kita."
"Pero talagang malaki siya. Mas malaki siya sa akala ko noong una kaming nagsex. Nagulat nga ako nung nakita ko. Akala ko nga hindi magkakasya sa akin. Tapos noong pinasok niya, ang laki pa rin kaya medyo masakit noong una."
"Gaga ka rin eh no? Syempre pag pinasok sa'yo malaki pa rin. Ano sa tingin mo? Pag nakita niyang maliit yung pukelya mo mag-aadjust yung titi niya para sa'yo? Pag malaki sa labas, malaki din sa loob."
"Ikaw ang hilig mo kong okrayin." Umirap ako.
"Pero pwera biro, Saskia, ikakasal na yan si Migs. Sana huwag mong kalimutan kung ano ka sa buhay niya dahil ayaw kong sa bandang huli masaktan ka. Tama na yung ganito. Yung tumutulong siya sa pamilya niyo at sinusustentuhan niya yang anak niyo. Huwag ka nang pumayag na maging kabit niya."
"Ninang, sinabi niya na kay Hazel ang tungkol sa nangyari sa amin at sa dinadala ko." Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi ko.
Umarko pataas ang tinatoang kilay niya. "Alam na nung Hazel? Ano daw sabi?"
"Eh yun nga, namomroblema si Migs kasi may ginawa si Hazel para saktan siya. Kaya pala lasing na lasing siya noong pumunta siya dito kagabi. Naawa ako sa kanya, Nang."
"At ikaw? Hindi ka naaawa sa sarili mo?"
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