Chapter Thirteen
MIGS
I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach as I stared at the door where she left. Hazel just met Saskia. My heart pounded so hard and fast the moment I saw her walk into my office. I thought it would be the end of our relationship. I thought Hazel would find out about her. I didn't know what exactly to feel now that she was gone and I was left here with Hazel.
Kararating lang ni Hazel ng dumating si Saskia. She'd usually call me first before she drops by but this day, she didn't. That was so close.
"Migs..." Hazel called. I looked at her and I thought I saw something different on her face. She looked away from me as if looking at me could burn her. She turned her head back to me after a few moments and the emotion I saw was wiped off completely. She put on a smiling face and stood straight, immaculate and beaming. She was in her usual composed demeanor again, regal and poised like a queen.
I took in a deep breath because the squeeze in my heart was getting tighter. Hazel was the most uncomplicated woman I'd ever met. She was firmly in control of her emotions which was fine because I didn't like messy emotional scenes anyway. Our version of love was different from others. It wasn't all hearts and butterflies. It was mature, neat, and uncomplicated; just the way we both wanted it. I may not be the romantic type but I knew I love her and I never fail to remind her that.
At this moment, I wished she'd confront me. Gusto kong sabihin niya kung ano talaga ang nararamdaman niya. I wanted her to ask so that I could tell her everything. I wouldn't lie to her. I couldn't. Hazel was a smart woman. I knew she could sense something going on. I just wanted her to ask para magkaron ako ng lakas ng loob na sabihin sa kanya.
"White rice? You've always been health concious." She quietly said as she eyeballed the transparent plastic container filled with food.
I cleared my throat. "Minsan lang naman."
"I see..." She nodded her head and shrugged. "Hindi naman siguro masamang tumikim ng ibang pagkain paminsan-minsan."
"They, uh, cook good food. Gusto mong tikman?" I offered when i didn't know what else to say.
"No, thank you." She smiled but her eyes said otherwise. "Just enjoy it in moderation. Hindi maganda ang sobra."
"I'll keep that in mind." I swallowed pass a dry throat.
She looked straight into my eyes. "Migs, I know the past couple of months had been overwhelming for the two of us. Marriage is a huge commitment, I understand that and we both agreed to this. But if you're feeling trapped..."
"Hazel, that's not how I feel."
"I love you and I don't want to put pressure on our relationship. I want to know this is what we both want. This is not going to work kung isa lang sa atin ang may gusto nito."
"Of course, I want this!" I immediately said. "There's nothing more I want in this world than to be your husband."
Her face softened and her hand reached up to touch my face. "That's all I ever want to hear from you, Migs. Mahal na mahal kita."
He pulled me to him and he bent his head down to give me a kiss on the lips. "You know I love you. I'll always do."
HAZEL
The woman was beautiful. I tried to convince myself that she was what she said she were. But something tells me she wasn't. Maybe I was just being paranoid. Maybe planning this whole engagement and thinking of the life we'd have after marriage was just putting a toll on me.
If I were honest, I was scared. There were alot of things going on in my head. A part of me tells me to trust him. Although we'd only been in a relationship for two years, I'd known him since college. He'd always been that charmingly eloquent and extremely astute guy. I hadn't met a single girl who had never had a crush on him in college. He was pretty introverted, he kept a small circle of friends. He dated here and there but kept most of his relationships private. We met at a party of a common friend and we were introduced to each other. We became friends, we kept in touch even when he was in Massachusetts where he attended graduate school for two years to get his master's degree. He came back, we still we remained friends but overtime, as we got to know each other more and more doon namin na realize na may nararamdaman na kami para sa isa't-isa.
I knew Migs had his share of women but he wasn't the type that would cheat. Hindi pa ako nakakarinig ng masama tungkol sa kanya sa mga ex niya. I always hear pleasant things about him even from his exes. He was consistently kind, charismatic, and endearing.
He couldn't possibly be fooling around with another woman. Mahal ako ni Migs. Hindi niya magagawa sa akin iyon. I was just overthinking the whole scenario that had happened earlier.
Siguro nabigla lang ako dahil ngayon lang ako nakakita ng babae sa opisina ni Migs. He was always been a private person. He'd never let anyone barge into his office like how that woman did. Kung may ipapadeliver man siya, ipaiiwan niya iyon sa secretary. It didn't help that the woman was beautiful.
But Migs never went for looks anyway. He wasn't superficial. Hindi siya yung tipong magugustuhan ang babae dahil lang maganda siya. He had high standard, he knew what he deserved. Even when he was in college, maraming magagandang babae ang nagkakagusto sa kanya. Those women were all over him but he never pays attention to anyone who couldn't hold an intelligent conversation. That woman who walked into his office, I didn't know much about her but I could tell from the brief conversation we had, that she was... simpleminded, to put it nicely.
I picked up my cosmopolitan and brought it to my lips, I took a sip with the hopes that it would erase the suspicion and doubts I had in my mind.
SASKIA
Ganito pala kasakit. Para akong dinibdiban nung nakita ko yung girlfriend niya doon. Ramdam na ramdam ko yung pisikal na kirot sa dibdib ko. Alam ko naman kung ano ako. Alam ko kung saan ko ilulugar ang sarili ko. Kung isa itong pelikula, si Hazel ang bida at ako ang kontrabidang minumura ng mga manonood.
'Wala kang karapatan mag-inarte, Saskia! Tumigil ka sa kagagahan mo. Ginusto mo yan, bes!' Paalala ko sa sarili ko.
Hindi ko pwedeng mahalin si Migs at kailangan kong tanggapin iyon. Kailangan kong isaksak paulit-ulit iyon sa ilusyunadang utak ko. Hindi pwede. Hindi maaari. Hindi. Hindi. Ako rin naman ang masasaktan kung ipagpipilitan ko ito.
"Saskia, kanina pa nagriring itong telepono mo. Nakukulele na ko d'yan!" Reklamo ni Mammy. Ilang araw ko na kasi hindi sinasagot ang mga tawag niya saka kapag kinukumusta niya ako maikling text lang ang sinasagot ko sa kanya. Mahirap na din, ayaw kong tuluyan na mahulog ang loob ko sa kanya.
"Si Migs pala itong tumatawag! Sagutin mo!" Sabi ni Mammy.
"Pabayaan mo siya." Nakasimangot na sagot ko.
"Kanina pa to!" Nandidilat ang mga matang sabi ni Mammy bago niya pinindot iyon at nilapit sa tainga. "Hello, Migs?- Oo, nandito! -Ewan ko masama yata ang pakiramdam. Naglilihi na yata ang gaga, kanina pa nakabusangot dito!"
Pagkatapos nun ay ibinaba na ni Mammy ang phone. Naglinis na lang ako ng bahay para tanggalin ang init ng ulo ko.
Ang tigas kasi ng ulo mo, Saskia. Lalandi-landi ka pa kasi. Pupunta-punta ka pa sa opisina niya. Sabi ko sa sarili ko habang inis na inis na nagbubunot.
"Saskia?" Bigla akong napakislot ng marinig ang boses niya kasunod nun ay ang marahang katok sa pinto.
"Ay si kuya Migs!" Sabi ni Yuka.
"Si kuya Migs yun!" Si Cosme naman
At nag-unahan pa ang dalawa sa pagbukas ng pinto. Alam kasi nila na pagpunta dito si Migs may dalang pasalubong. Pag nandito si Migs, pasko sa kanila yun.
"Kuya!" Magkasabay pang bumati ang mga kapatid.
"Hey, may dala akong pizza para sa inyo." Sabi niya sa mga bata.
"Yay!" Sabi ng dalawang kapalmuks.
"Pasok ka, pogi! Huwag kang mahiya!" Aya naman ng Nanay ko.
Nag-angat siya ng tingin at nagtama ang mga mata namin. Huwag mo akong matignan-tignan ng ganyan, Miguel Cordova! Natutunaw ako.
Ako ang unang nag-iwas ng tingin.
"May dala akong fruits para sa'yo, Saskia. I hope you're feeling okay now." Lumapit siya sa akin.
Nahiya naman ako dahil ang dungis ko na sa kalilinis ng bahay at saka amoy pawis pa ako. Umiwas ako sa kanya. Siguro yung Hazel na yun hindi nangangamoy pawis, siguro nga hindi pinagpapawisan yun eh.
"You need any help?" Tanong niya sa akin.
"Okay lang ako."
"You don't answer my calls."
"Hindi ko napapansin." Kibit-balikat na sabi ko.
"Sas..." Nabigla ako ng hawakan niya ako sa magkabilang balikat ko. Nag-angat ako ng tingin at nagtama ang mga mata namin. "Can we talk? Gusto lang kitang kumustahin."
Habang kumakain ang PG kong pamilya, lumabas kami ni Migs. Umupo kami sa tapat ng bahay namin, sa paanan ng hagdan paakyat sa pinto. Maaliwalas naman ang panahon ngayong gabi kahit paano. Tahimik na pinanood ko ang mga batang naglalaro sa kalsada.
"Saskia..." Mahinang sabi niya makaraan ang ilang minutong katahimikan.
"Bakit?"
"Hindi ko alam na pupunta si Hazel."
"Ano ka ba? Hindi mo naman kailangan magpaliwanag. Sino ba ako?" Mahinang sabi ko.
"You're the mother of my child." Mahinang sabi niya. Tumindig ang balahibo ko sa sinabi niya. Pinaglapat ko ang mga labi ko ng madiin para mapigilan ang ngiti. Langhiya ka, Migs! Bakit ganyan ka?
"Wag mo na i-sugar code. Pinaganda mo lang eh. Ako yung babaeng aksidenteng nabuntis mo. Migs, alam ko naman ang kalagayan mo. Sabi ko nga sa'yo, hindi ko sisirain ang relasyon niyo."
"Thank you for understanding. I just don't know what to do anymore." Sinuklay niya ang mga daliri niya sa mala-gintong buhok niya. "Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya pero natatakot ako."
"Hindi naman ako magsasalita kaya wala kang dapat ipagalala."
"Alam ko naman yun. But my conscience won't let me rest."
"Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat sabihin sa'yo dahil wala ako sa posisyon. Pero Migs, kung kailangan mo ng kausap, makikinig ako."
"I am terrified right now. It's hard to admit that I'm not what people think I am." Bumuntong-hininga siya. "Sometimes I wish I wasn't like this. Sometimes I wish I could be my brother. That way people won't expect too much from me. I made them believe that I am more than what I really am."
"Ano ka ba? Napaka-swerte mo nga eh. Alam mo maraming taong magpapakamatay para lang mapunta sa kinalalagyan mo ngayon."
"How do you do this, Saskia? How do you get me to open up? Yung mga bagay na sinasabi ko sa'yo, hindi ko kayang sabihin iyon sa mga taong nakapaligid sa akin." Tinitigan niya ako sa mga mata ko at parang gusto kong matunaw. Tagos hanggang buto ang mga titig niya sa akin.
Wala akong naisagot sa kanya kung hindi ngiti.
Nagulat ako ng hawakan niya ang tiyan ko at bumaba ang ulo niya sa tabi nito.
"Baby, I hope you understand me. I'm sorry for keeping you a secret but I swear, I'll tell them about you. I'm sorry your Dad's a coward." Sabi niya. Parang sasabog ang puso ko sa ginagawa niya.
Inangat niya ulit ang ulo niya at muling ibinaling ang tingin sa akin.
"Thank you for keeping my child. I may not have realized it the first time I found out you were pregnant but I'm grateful for having this baby. I just want to be a good father. I want to give my child the best of everything."
"I'm too." Sabi ko.
May sumilay na ngiti sa labi niya. "What do you think the child would look like?"
"Blonding hair, beautiful eyes, long nose saka red lips. Gusto ko sana maging syrup copy mo yung baby."
Lalong lumawak ang ngiti niya sa labi at nawala naman ang sa akin.
Mali ito. Ayaw kong mahulog ang loob ko sa kanya. Alam ko kung ano ako sa buhay niya.
Ako ang sikretong pilit niyang tinatago. Ako ang pagkakamaling pilit niyang pinagtatakpan. Ako ang kasalanan na pilit niyang ginagawang tama.
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