Kabanata 17
Trigger warning: Sensitive content below. Please beware.
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Kabanata 17
WHY does some lessons have to be learned the hard way? Bakit kaya may mga bagay na pilit mong ipinaglalaban pero sa huli'y ikaw pa rin ang magiging talunan?
Why life is so unfair?
I was breathing but I think I felt more like a dead man walking. Tila lumulutang na sa ere at wala sa sarili, nakatulala ako sa gilid ng kama ko at halos tagusan na ang tingin sa pader.
Tears are continuously falling down my cheek at pakiramdam ko'y tila namamanhid na ako sa sakit na nararamdaman.
My father hated me, my family was disappointed in me, and the man I loved fooled me. I promised not to take any chances in love again but with him, I risked my heart again, only to get hurt in return.
I was fucking stupid.
Nagmahal lang naman ako... bakit kailangang ganitong sakit ang matanggap ko mula sa pagmamahal na 'to?
My phone kept on ringing inside my bag but I didn't even look at it to check, wala akong lakas na gumalaw at gustong mawala na lang. All my life, I never thought I would feel something as excruciating as this.
All my life, I think I've been good, may mga kamalian man pero walang sinaktan na tao kaya pakiramdam ko ay ang unfair at sama sa akin ng tadhana at nasasaktan ako ng ganito.
I sighed hard, still sobbing. Iritado kong hinahawi ang mga pesteng luha na nahuhulog sa aking pisngi pero hindi ito matigil-tigil.
"C-calm down... please," I whispered to myself and smacked my aching chest. "P-please stop hurting..."
But it didn't. Ang sakit ay mas lalong lumala at kulang na lang ay mamanhid ako roon.
There are tiny pricks of needle piercing inside my chest, wounding me open.
Para akong bulkang sasabog. Gusto kong ilabas lahat-lahat, gusto kong mawala ang bigat kaya sumigaw na ako. I stood from my bed, kicking everything in my sight while screaming my heart out. At this moment, I was thankful my unit is soundproof because no one would hear me this desperate to let go of the pain.
I can hear the faint sound of barks outside my room but I cared less, ang atensyon ko ay nasa paghawi ng aking mga gamit. I let my frustrations out by screaming and slamming my tables.
"I-I hate you, I hate you!" I screamed loudly and kicked the small table near me.
My room is a mess but I felt like it was still not enough, bumagsak ako ng upo sa lapag katabi ng mga bumagsak na mga gamit. I lowered my head, fisted my hair and sobbed, niyakap ko ang binti ko at humagulgol ng iyak.
I couldn't explain how much it hurts, halos malasahan ko na ang metal na lasa ng dugo dahil sa mariing kagat ko sa labi.
Do I really deserve this kind of pain?
I didn't listen to my father and instead, I tried aiming high despite his warnings. My trust in our love is so bright it melted the wax on my wings that in the end, I ended up falling with no one below to catch me.
I was an idiot. I believed him. I was blind and naive. I was a fool.
The things I fucked up assaulted my head like hailstorm, unstoppable and loud.
On how I messed with my family, how I fucked everything up, how I fought with them to fight for this stupid fucking feelings!
Hindi pa ako natuto! Ang bobo-bobo ko!
I cried and cried my head went pitch black. Hindi ko na rin maintindihan ang sarili, hindi maintindihan ang lahat.
It was my fault. I messed it all up.
My fault. My fault. Wala akong ginawa kung hindi ang maging pahirap!
I tried so hard to think of the things I contributed in this life and to the people around me and thought of nothing but pain and misery. We were doing all fine until I messed this up.
Hindi na siguro mahalaga ang existence ko? Maybe I was just made with no purpose at all. Nagkagulo ang pamilya dahil sa gulo ko, I did my best to be a good daughter but I failed them miserably.
What if... I just end this?
Maybe I was really crazy, it was like I had a blackout and felt useless. Wala na ako sa sarili. I stood on the floor and despite my tears and shaking body, I tried looking for sharp things inside my drawer.
"Shit..." I cursed loudly when I saw nothing, mabilis kong hinawi ang buhok at mabilis na lumabas ng kwarto at nagpunta sa kusina.
I heard nothing but the loud thumping of my heart, mabilis kong hinalughog ang cup board at nang makita ang cutter ay humigpit ang hawak ko roon at mabilis na bumalik sa aking kwarto.
I sat on the bed, staring at the cutter on my hand while lifting my wrist. Nanginginig man ang kamay ay unti-unti ko iyong pinindot para umangat ang matulis na parte.
My ears are ringing, mariin na ang tingin ko sa cutter habang unti-unting inilalapit iyon sa aking pulso. The sharp tip is now on my skin, I made a small cut but I felt nothing so I tried pushing it further.
I heaved a deep sigh and was about to slit my wrist when I heard a loud bark and the next thing I know, nawala na ang cutter sa aking kamay at tumalsik kung saan.
I heard a loud bark, may dumagan sa hita ko at tila natauhan ako. Nawala ang maingay na tunog ng kalabog ng puso ko at natanto kung sino ang nasa hita ko.
"C-cho-choo..." my voice shook upon realizing who pushed the cutter away from my hand.
My dog stared at me, halos tumayo na ito sa aking hita at inilagay ang mga kamay sa aking balikat at ginulo ako.
Then suddenly, I felt the pain on my wrist. Bumaba ang tingin ko roon at nakita ang maliit at mababaw na sugat at ang kaunting dugo na lumabas doon.
"O-oh my God..." I began shaking again. "O-oh my God, I-I'm sorry..."
Cho-choo barked loudly when I started crying hard again, he buried his face on my neck, as if comforting me. I lifted my uninjured hand to hug him and cried, shaking my head.
"W-what did I do..." I whispered, "I-I'm sorry...I'm sorry."
I didn't know how much I cried that time and my son, Pocholo was the only one comforting me. He was just burying his face on my neck, barking a bit to show me he was there for me.
Nanginginig man ang kamay sa gulat sa ginawa ay sinubukan kong linisin ang sugat sa aking pulso.
Maliit lang iyon at hindi halata pero ang isiping muntik ko na iyong magawa sa sarili kung hindi lang dahil sa pagpigil ni Cho-choo ay nakakatakot.
Why... did I do that? Why?
Nakatitig lang ako sa pulso ko at kinakagat ang labi. I could visualize the tears in my mother's eyes and the rage and frustration from my father if they saw me like that. I shook my head and calmed myself.
I was hyperventilating. My heart was quick and unsteady.
"K-kaya mo 'yan, Daru... kaya mo," I whispered to myself and slowly glanced at Cho-choo still on my lap, tahimik akong pinagmamasdan kaya ngumiti ako.
"T-thank you, baby," I said softly and brushed his fur. "Thank you for stopping me."
He barked lowly, moving his face near my stomach to comfort me.
I reached for my bag, sa takot kong magawa ko ulit iyon sa sarili ay muntik ko nang matawagan sina Mama pero pinigilan ang sarili. The last thing I want is to worry them so I shrugged the thought off.
Hindi ko pinansin ang napakaraming tawag at mensahe mula sa gago, mabilis kong hinanap ang pangalan ni Zirena sa contact list at tinawagan.
After a few rings, she answered me.
"Hi, bakla!" she cheered happily and my heart felt calmer.
"Hi, Zire..." I called softly, trying my best not to sound like I just cried.
"Oh? Nangyari sa boses mo? Paos ka?" she asked worriedly at nakagat ko ang labi ko roon.
"O-oo, eh. May ice cream kasi akong binili."
"Oh, okay. Napatawag ka nga pala?" I heard the smile on her voice.
"Saan ka? P'wede ba kitang makausap?"
"Sure, sure, pero mabilis lang siguro, Darsh," aniyang lumungkot ang boses. "Sorry, kasi nasa eroplano ako ngayon. Kasama ko ang boyfriend ko."
"Si... Wave?" I asked. She chuckled.
"Yeah, we're going back to Manila. Galing lang kaming sa kanila, may kinuha lang, aalis na ang eroplano any minute from now at bawal daw ang tawag so... ano 'yon?" she asked. "Tungkol ba 'yan sa boylet mo raw sabi ni Scira?"
My shoulders fell, gusto ko sana siyang makausap ng matagal pero my flight siya.
"Uh, ano... pagbalik mo na lang."
"But is it important?" she asked, kinda serious now. "I can spare some time, do you have problems—"
"No, no..." I chuckled a bit to lift the mood. "Tatanong lang sana ako ng magandang pasyalan pero ano, pagbalik mo na lang."
"Ma'am, we're about to take off, kindly change the phones to airplane mode." Narinig ko ang boses ng F.A. sa kabilang linya.
"Oh, okay. Thank you." Zire answered before going back to me. "Sorry, bakla. I'll talk to you when I get back, okay? Ilang oras lang naman. Sorry, kailangan ko ng patayin."
"O-okay, it's okay." I smiled sadly. "Enjoy your flight, Zire."
"Thank you, Daru. Love you, bakla. Bye!" she cheered at nang mawala siya sa linya ay bumaba ang tingin ko kay Cho-choo na binabantayan ako.
"How about Scira, Cho-choo?" I whispered softly and he moved his head again kaya napangiti na ako.
I dialled Scira's number pero tatlong beses na ata akong tumatawag ay walang sumasagot. I sighed, Cho-choo growled a bit kaya ngumiti ako sa kanya.
"It's okay." I smiled.
My phone rang, I saw Scira's name kaya dali-dali ko iyong pinindot at sinagot.
"Hi, Darsh!" I heard her sigh. "Oh my God, I'm so sorry na hindi kita nasagot. My phone's in silent mode. How are you? What's the matter?"
"Uh, busy ka? May—"
"Ma'am, can you check this one out? May problema ata sa blueprint." I heard a manly voice in the other line.
"Yeah, yeah, I'll check. Wait lang," ani Scira bago muling nagsalita. "Sorry 'bout that, Daru. Si Warren kasi..."
"Oh..." napangiti ako. "Si sis?!"
"Yeah, he's not a sis... yeah, whatever." Tumawa siya. "Sorry, cous. Anyway, bakit ka napatawag?"
"I just want to talk if you have time—"
"Architect Valderama, urgent lang po, sorry!" I heard someone shouting on the line kaya nakagat ko ang labi ko.
"Oh... are you at work?" I asked softly.
She sighed.
"Yeah, late night. Sorry, Daru, what is it again?"
"No, no, it's nothing," I lied. "Mas importante 'yan, I'll talk to you after na lang."
"Alright. I'm so sorry, bakla. We have to finish the renovation as fast as we could so you see, sorry, balikan kita, ah?"
"Okay, ingat," paalam ko and when the line was cut off, malungkot akong bumaling kay Cho-choo.
His eyes were so wide, he moved his head to console me and that made me smile.
"Well... I guess I still have you?" I whispered and hugged him.
That night, I received a lot of calls from the asshole but I answered nothing and immediately deleted his unread messages. I took my simcard out, threw it in the trashcan and messaged my cousins with the spare sim I have na bago ko iyong numero.
My phone beeped and my eyes widened when saw my father's message.
From: Papa
How are you? Are you sick? Do you want Mama to come there and check on you?
My heart melted, nahulog ang luha ko habang nagtitipa ng mensahe pabalik.
To: Papa
I'm okay na po. Thank you for checking on me, Papa :)
From: Papa
Always drink the vitamins we gave you, nasa plastic 'yon kasama ng grocery ng Kuya mo noong nakaraan. H'wag magpapagutom.
To: Papa
Okay po, Pa. Ayos na po ako. Salamat po, I love you.
I didn't get a reply after that but I am glad and felt a bit great when he texted me.
I haven't sleep peacefully that night, tulala lang ako sa kisame ng kwarto habang yakap-yakap si Cho-choo na hindi rin natutulog.
It was as if he was guarding me from doing anything stupid again and I appreciate it a lot. Madaling-araw ako nagising dahil sa flight ko na kahit sinabi ng Papa na h'wag ko nang pasukan ay papasukan ko.
I don't want VIP treatment, I don't want exemptions just because I am the daughter.
Hinayaan ko muna ang magulong mga gamit dahil sa pagwawala ko kagabi. I tried doing my best to freshen up and spent some time in the tub. I closed my eyes and felt the warm water slowly calming me down.
You are not weak, Daru. You are so strong, you are independent, right? Leaving a man would not kill you.
I opened my eyes and stared at the small cut covered in a band-aid in my wrist and it made me feel bad. It made me feel bad for doing it, I felt like I was hurting my family too dahil ginawa ko ito.
Naligo ako pagkatapos, his face and Delilah's mocking smiles still linger inside my head like it was a curse. He told me he didn't know her pero sa huli'y nagsabwatan para sirain ako at ang pamilya ko.
Sumilip ako sa medyo nakaawang na pinto ng banyo at nahuli si Cho-choo na nakaupo at pinagmamasdan ako, tila guard na nagbabantay kung may mali akong gagawin kaya natawa na ako.
"I won't hurt myself, Cho-choo. Come on, baby. You can sleep, it's still early." I smiled.
But he didn't move an inch, naglakad pa para itulak ang pintuan hanggang sa buong ulo na niya ang nakadungaw.
"Alagad ka nga ni Papa." I noticed when I saw how strict Pocholo is despite his soft appearance.
Hinayaan ko na lang siyang nakadungaw sa pintuan, kagabi pa kasi niya ako sinusundan. If ever I'll stand at magbabanyo, nakasunod siya. Noong kumuha ako ng tubig ay nakabuntot siya sa akin kahit mukhang antok din.
I wore my robe, kinuha ko ang blower at bumaling sa salamin pero kaagad na napawi ang reaksyon nang makita ang mukha ko. Everytime while staring at the mirror every morning, I do my best to smile.
Sabi kasi ni Mama noon, to make your day beautiful, you should start it with a smile.
I stared at my face and tried smiling pero nagmukhang malungkot lang at bitter kaya napailing ako.
"Ang pangit, amputa..." I cursed loudly and took my comb.
I placed my hair on my shoulder to start combing it but when I stared at myself in the mirror, I felt off and frustrated.
"No, don't think of it," I told myself and focused my attention om combing my hair.
"I like that your hair's long, don't cut it, hmm?" Suddenly, a memory came flashing right in front of my eyes.
I tried shrugging it off and continued brushing my long hair but his face is what I kept on seeing. I sighed, bit my lip and stared at the other side of my hair to start combing it but then I felt the wet thing fall on my cheek.
Hinawi ko iyon. Doon ko natantong umiiyak na naman ako. When I stared at myself and my hair in the mirror, my memories of him kept on coming back that I cried like a kid again.
Pocholo ran towards me, naramdaman ko ang ikot niya sa aking paa pero sumisinghot lang ako roon.
"I-I'm okay, Cho-Choo..." I whispered but he just barked at me and circled on my feet.
"N-no, I can't cut it," I whispered to myself when I saw the scissors near me. Inabot iyon ng kamay ko pero mabilis kong inilayo ang sarili.
"The hell, no, Darshana." I told myself. "Before he even came, gusto ko na ng mahabang buhok so why would I cut it?"
"You like my hair long so I won't cut it. Para may suklayin ka palagi." I remembered smiling at him that time and I groaned frustratedly.
"N-no, don't..." Nakuha ko bigla ang gunting.
Pocholo started barking harshly when he saw me holding the scissors, inangat niya ang katawan para itulak ang paa ko pero bumaling ako sa kanya at umayos ng tayo.
"Baby, I won't—"
He barked again, halos inaalog na ako kaya bumuntonghininga ako at dumukwang. I touched Cho-choo's fur and spoke.
"I won't hurt myself, baby. I promise." I smiled at him. He doesn't look convinced kaya inangat ko ang gunting at ipinakita sa kanya. "Look, Mommy will just c-cut her hair." Tumikhim pa ako.
He just stared at me kaya bumuntonghininga ako at kinuha ang buhok. Hesitant at first, I later on found myself cutting a small part with scissors.
"S-see?" Halos manginig ako. "Hair lang."
That convinced him, I think. Mabilis akong tumayo pagkatapos at naluha na naman nang makita ang buhok na pinutol ko. I would look like a fool if I won't cut the whole thing kaya kinagat-kagat ko ang labi ko roon.
"You like my hair long, huh? Let's cut it short," mariing sabi ko kahit naiiyak at ginupit ang buhok. "To hell with you. Fuck you."
Umawang ang labi ko pagkatapos magupit ang buhok. It's just below my shoulder, medyo mahaba pa rin pero umiksi na kaya nasampal ko ang sarili, naninibago sa buhok.
"Shit, 'di pa ata pantay..." I cursed.
Suminghap ako, mabilis naghilamos at mabilis na nag-blower ng buhok. Inilagay ko sa hairnet ang buhok at ipinusod bago lumabas ng banyo para magbihis. After my only flight for today, I'll go to a salon.
Pagkatapos pakainin si Pocholo ay umalis na ako. I took my hand bag and went out of the building, habang naglalakad sa may shuttle ay may nakita akong pamilyar na sasakyan sa 'di kalayuan kaya kumunot ang noo ko.
Suddenly, the car door opened, may lumabas mula roon at napamura ako nang makita ang gago.
"Darshana..." he called pero mabilis akong nag-iwas kaya 'di ko na nakita ang reaksyon niya. My heart thumped louder inside my chest, mabilis na naglakad ako at halos takbuhin na ang shuttle service.
"Isa na lang!" I heard the man said kaya tinaas ko ang kamay ko.
"A-ako, Kuya!" I said at nasapo ang dibdib nang makapasok at makaalis sa lugar.
I looked out the window and saw him looking devastated while watching the shuttle driving away kaya kinurot ko ang daliri ko at nagbaba ng tingin.
You can do it, Darshana.
I was extra careful and panicking a bit when I reached the airport. Pabaling-baling ako kung nasundan ba niya kami o ano.
I sighed and walked inside the airport and started doing my job. I noticed the looks the other crews are giving me pero hinayaan ko na at wala naman silang sinasabi sa akin. Mas okay sila, they were quiet pero wala namang masamang sinasabi kaya ayos na ako.
The only back to back flight I had today was done alas-tres pa lang ng hapon. Nakaupo ngayon sa may waiting area habang ngumunguya ng cookies.
I was planning on going home pero tinatamad akong maglakad kaya nagpahinga muna ako at bumili ng dalawang pack ng cookies at paubos na ang isa.
"May halimaw ata sa tiyan ko," I whispered to myself when the pack was done yet I'm still craving for more. Kinuha ko ang pangalawang pack at binuksan pero 'di ko pa nasusubo ang isang piraso ay nahuli ko ang pinsan na kalalabas lang sa arriving area.
Everyone is eyeing her, as in, everyone!
Ate Crest Veronica is wearing her shades, a terno crop top and skirt and a thick coat. Naka-ankle booths pa at kulot-kulot ang buhok. Sa siko niya ay isang hand bag, sumisimsim siya ng fruit tea habang may maraming paper bags na hawak sa isang kamay.
Her boots are making a sound, dahil sa tangkad ng lahi namin ay nakuha rin namin iyon. She was tall, fair and really pretty kaya napapalingon sa kanya. Plus, the outfit!
Napatingin ako sa sariling mukhang nawawalang bata na nakasalampak sa bench at ngumangata ng pangalawang balot ng cookies ko at napakurap.
"Oh, pinsan!" Ate Crest cheered when she saw me.
My eyes widened, halos matapon ko na ang cookies ko at mabilis na itinago sa plastic at ngumisi bago tumayo at sinalubong siya.
"Ate!" I chirped when we got closer. She grinned, removing her round sunglasses.
Mabilis kaming nagyakap na dalawa at nag-beso, nang maglayo kami ay ngumiti siya at inilapit sa bibig ko ang iniinom.
"Tikman mo, masarap," aniya kaya tumikim ako at ngumiti.
"You should try wintermelon, Ate," I suggested.
"Okay, I gotta try it. Fruit tea lang kasi madalas kong i-order." She then smiled at me. "Ang blooming natin, Daru, ah? Tumataba ang pisngi, ganda, ah?"
My eyes widened, napahawak ako sa pisngi ko at napalunok. "M-mataba?"
"No!" tumawa siya. "Medyo nagkalaman lang ang pisngi mo, Daru, bagay sa 'yo, mas gumanda at mas blooming!"
It made me smile, halos magkasingtangkad lang kami ni Ate.
"Thank you, ikaw din!" I smiled widely at her. "Saan ang maleta mo, Ate? Help na kita."
"Oh, I don't have one," aniya at nilagay ang shades sa ulo kaya nangunot ang noo ko. "Nag-shopping lang ako."
"Huh?" I asked, bumaling ako sa paper bag na mga dala niya.
"Shopping?" I asked. "Saan? Sa duty free sa airport ba?"
"Uh, no. I shopped lang. I got bored and craved for dried mangoes din," aniya kaya parang natakam ako.
"Dried mangoes?" I asked at napabaling sa may likuran. "Saan mo binili? Sa may pasalubong?"
"Sa Cebu lang," aniya na parang wala lang kaya halos lumuwa ang mata ko.
"O-oh? Eh, bakit wala kang gamit? Ilang araw ka roon?"
"Oras lang, ano ka ba..." tawa niya sa akin. "I left the house by ten A.M., I guess? Bumili lang mangoes sa Cebu and shopped a bit. Boring din, parehas lang pala mga damit sa mga mall." Ngiwi niya.
"Then why are you wearing..." bumaling ako sa makapal niyang coat and terno na damit.
"Oh, this?" She grinned and even twirled in front of me to show off her outfit. "Outfit ko sana to sa Paris kaso tinago ni Dad ang passport ko kaya sa Cebu ko na lang sinuot."
Nahulog ang paa ko sa kanya. "Are you serious?"
"Of course!" she giggled. "Parehas kayo ni Chiel, ganyan din reaksyon niya kapag nalaman pero secret lang, ah? Magagalit si Dad kapag nalaman niyang lumarga ako sa Cebu para sa dried mangoes."
It sounded so weird but it's Ate Crest so that's normal, naalala ko nga no'ng nagalit sina Tito Iñigo kasi nagpaalam siya na bibiling taho pero nabalitaan namin na nasa Baguio na pala... 'yon pala doon namili ng taho, strawberry daw.
"Saan ka ngayon, Ate, uwi na?" I asked. She shrugged.
"Dunno, ikaw? Tapos na ba shift mo?"
"Yeah, I'm going to a salon now. Wanna come?" I asked. Her eyes widened, excited.
"Sure!" tawa niya at kumapit sa braso ko. "I'm gonna fix my nails!"
We called a cab to bring us in the nearest mall, being with Ate Crest, the mood lightened, medyo nabawasan ang bigat sa aking dibdib habang magkasama kaming dalawa.
"Hindi mo sinama si Adira, 'te?" I asked when I saw her checking her paper bags.
"Nah, dedicated 'yon masyado sa pag-aaral, Iñigo the third."
"Huh?" I asked kaya natawa siya sa akin.
"Si Chiel and second, third si Adira."
"So... ikaw?" I asked and she shrugged at me.
"Sugo ako ni Thallia," she said, referring to her mother. "Thallia the second."
Nagkatawanan kami roon. She gave me one paper bag.
"S'yempre binili ko lahat, 'yan sa inyo. Ito kina Tito Thorn, Tito Zeij, sa amin tapos sa presinto." Turo niya sa extrang paper bag.
"Presinto?" I asked curiously.
"Oo, may mga alaga ako roon." Tawa niya kaya ngumisi ako at nagpasalamat sa bigay niya.
We went to the salon together, nakita ko ang panlalaki ng mata ni Ate nang makita ang buhok ko.
"What the... you cut your hair?!" She exclaimed loudly when she saw my hair kaya natawa ako at marahang tumango. "Why?"
"Uh, para bagong hairstyle?" I lied. "Medyo, sawa na ako sa mahaba. Maiba naman." I smiled at her.
"Oh... hindi ako sanay!" She smiled and touched my hair. "Kasi 'di ba, you like your hair long? Naalala ko nga dati umiiyak ka kapag mahaba ang natabas."
"Para maiba, alam mo na, hindi na tayo bumabata. Maybe a change of hairstyle would be great?"
"Sa bagay, ipaabot mo rito, oh." She pointed my shoulder. "Para mas maganda tignan."
"Ma'am, ano pong gupit?" Baling sa amin ng employee.
"Shoulder length would be good." I smiled.
It hurts seeing my hair being cut like that, ilang taon kong inalagaan ang buhok ko para maganda kahit mahaba but maybe, this is the start. I want to start anew by doing this.
Masakit man, minsan kailangan nating bumitaw sa mga bagay na nakasanayan. We needed to step out of our comfort zone. We have to let go of the things that hurt us and this is one of them.
To distract myself from feeling sorry for my hair, nakigaya ako kay Ate Crest na nagpa-mani-pedi.
"Wow, ayan, Ma'am! Bagay na bagay sa 'yo ang short hair!" The hairdresser cheered when she was done fixing my hair.
"OMG, sabi ko sa 'yo bagay! Mas gumanda ka!" Ate Crest giggled happily at habang nakatingin sa itsura ko sa salamin ay napangiti na rin ako.
"It's pretty," I said and touched my hair.
Hindi ko matanggal ang tingin ko sa itsura ko habang nasa salon, maganda naman ang kinalabasan at bagay sa akin kaya hindi ako nagsisi. Ate Crest offered to pay the fee since hindi ko raw sasabihin sa Dad niya na galing siyang Cebu para mag-mall at mamili ng dried mangoes na mayro'n naman din sa Manila.
"Tara na? Kain tayo?" Ate Crest smiled while checking my hair.
"Alright, thanks, Ate. Ako naman ang may treat sa pagkain?" I offered at nakangiting tumango siya at kumapit sa braso ko.
We went out of the salon and it may sound overreacting but with my hair now? I felt like I'm a totally different person. A smile left my lips, ramdam na ramdam ko ang maiksing buhok ko at marahang hinawi ko iyon.
"How about that restaurant, Daru—oh, hi, Chance!" Nawala ang ngiti ko at tila natulos nang marinig ang boses ni Ate Crest.
I shifted my gaze and my heart almost went out of my chest when I saw how startled Chance was when he saw me.
He's wearing a plain black tees and pants, magulo ang kanyang buhok at mukhang walang tulog. I saw a day-old whiskers on his chin but he still looked good.
No, he's ugly. Mukhang talampakan. Mukha siyang gago... na jejemon.
"C-Crest..." He smiled, still surprised.
"Oh, napadaan ka rito?"
"Uh, I just bought some things." He lifted a small paper bag and glanced again at me, his eyes landed on my hair.
Mas sumikip ang dibdib ko.
"Oh, ako sinamahan ko lang magpagupit itong pinsan ko. This is Daru, I think you already know her," aniya at napabaling siyang muli sa akin.
I nodded formally at him. His mouth parted.
"D-did you..." He licked his lower lip. "Cut your hair—"
"Oh, she did. Mahaba ito noon, I don't know if naaalala mo pa. She's obsessed with her long hair since it looked so pretty kaya nagulat ako na nagpagupit ng maiksi." Ate Crest smiled, siniko pa ako. "May jowa ata 'to, 'di nagsasabi..."
Hilaw akong ngumiti kay Ate at hinawi ang buhok ko.
"Sus, moving on siguro." Biro pa niya. "Ganyan kasi ang mga babae kapag gusto mag-move on, papagupit ng hair."
I saw the lone expression on Chance's eyes, nakita ko ang panlulumo roon.
"Ano, Darsh, moving on stage ka ba?" ani Ate Crest at habang nakatingin ako kay Chance ay ngumiti ako at tumango.
"Yeah," I answered. "Seems like my asshole ex likes my hair long so I cut it short." Pabirong sabi ko at bumaling kay Ate na natawa sa akin at tumango.
"Told 'ya!" Ate winked. "Tama 'yan, Darsh. Hayaan mo mga gagong ex na 'yan. Mabaog sana sila."
"Sana..." I smiled coldly at Chance who swallowed painfully and stepped closer to me.
"Daru, can we talk?" he suddenly asked at nakita ko ang pagtigil ni Ate Crest na mukhang nagulat din.
"O-oh, sorry, do you personally know each other—"
"No," I answered timidly and smiled at Ate Crest who looks so confused and back at Chance who looks so damn lost.
Ang galing magpanggap ng gago.
"Darshana—"
"Mr. Salcedo, right?" I smiled at him coldly. "Nice meeting you, if you'll excuse us, we'll eat dinner," I said before slowly pulling the confused Ate Crest away from him.
Tahimik si Ate Crest sa dinner naming dalawa, she stayed silent about Chance kaya ako naman ang nagdaldal sa kanya about sa love life niya. That lifted the mood, anyway.
"Quail eggs, Ma'am?" The waiter offered pero kaagad akong naasiwa sa tunog pa lang ng itlog.
"N-no thanks." I shook my head and covered my nose.
"Oh, ayaw mo? Masarap 'to, ah? Akin na lang." Ate Crest smiled at the waiter.
"Ah, ayoko lang ng amoy." I drank my juice, nangingiwi pa sa amoy sa harapan ko.
Naghiwalay lang kami ng Ate sa cab noong pauwi na. Tulala lang ako sa labas ng kotse at marahang hinahaplos at pinaglalaruan ang dulo ng maiksing buhok.
You can get through this, Darsh. You are a strong woman, you can do this. Lalaki lang 'yan.
I mentally noted to myself about my family, I reminded myself to have enough courage so I could talk to them again and apologize sa mga nagawa kong kamalian.
Kung hindi lang ako tinawag ng driver ay hindi ko pa malalamang nasa tapat na ako ng building ko, nagbayad ako at nagpasalamat bago lumabas at inayos ang bag ko.
The cold wind blew on my face, nakita ko ang maliwanag na kalangitan dahil sa mga bituin at kalahating buwan.
I can be better. I will feel better in time.
Pumasok ako sa building namin, didiretso sana ako sa elevator para makaakyat na sa unit pero nakita ko ang pagtayo ng isang lalaki mula sa sofa sa lobby nang makita ako. I wasn't that shock anymore when I saw him pero halos magwala ang puso ko sa sakit na nagbabalik.
Naglakad akong diretso palagpas sa lobby at papuntang elevator pero mabilis niya akong naharang bago pa ako makapasok.
"Daru..." he called when he blocked my way. "M-mag-usap naman tayo—"
"There's nothing to talk about, Mr. Salcedo." I snapped coldly, almost started clapping for myself for the perfect display of my unbothered face.
Akmang lalagpasan ko siya pero muli niya akong naabutan.
"B-baby, come on, magpapaliwanag lang ako..."
"Get out of my way," I said coldly and pushed me aside but he caught my wrist.
"D-Darsh, please..." he pleaded. "P-pagpaliwanagin mo naman a-ako..."
I sighed and pulled my wrist away from him. "Nagkaliwanagan na tayo, right?" I raised my brow.
"N-no." He shook his head, brushing his hair frustratedly. "We still haven't talked about—"
"Did you agree with her on hurting me? Did you agree fooling me?" That knowledge hurt me again but for the talk he's been wanting to have, it's fine hurting again.
"Doll..." His brown eyes softened more. It was desperate.
"Did you, Chance?" I asked painfully.
"Daru, please..."
"Look at me and tell me you didn't," I challenged. He stared at me, I saw hesitation in his eyes as he looked at me. "T-tell me you didn't and I'll talk to you."
Ekspresyon pa lang niya'y alam ko na ang sagot.
"I-I did." He confessed and touched my palm more. "I don't want to lie to you. I did agree to her, I-I'm just..."
"Then we shouldn't talk," I breathed. "Kahit anong paliwanag ang eksplenasyon mo, wala na akong pakialam." Tinulak ko ang kamay niya.
"B-but I have a reason—"
"Look, Salcedo." I gasped and gritted my teeth. "I don't fucking care about your reasons, okay? I don't care because whatever it might be, y-you still fooled me."
His eyes were bloodshot. He lowered his head, ashamed.
"S-sorry..."
"Kahit ano pang tang inang rasong mayro'n ka, n-niloko mo pa rin ako. I promised not to give anyone chances again but with you? I took a risk." I pointed out. "I-it was hard for me to give b-but I still give you one, Chance." Nanghina na ang boses ko.
"I-I gave you one because I think y-you deserved it but you..." my voice broke. "A-alam mo namang mahirap sa aking magbigay p-pero sinayang mo..."
"Daru..." he muttered and squeezed my hand. "I-isa pang—"
"To hell I'd give you a chance again." Hinila ko ang kamay ko sa kanya.
"I-I'll do my best..." he whispered. "I-I promise, a-anong gusto mong gawin ko? I'd do anything—"
"You'd do anything? Then, leave me the fuck alone!"
"I-I beg you, please?" his voice was trembling. "I'll kneel, o-okay lang sa akin. D-do you want to hurt me? C-come on, hurt me, slap me—"
"Fuck you, kahit lumuhod ka pa sa Quiapo ng isang milyong beses hindi kita patatawarin!" I screamed and sighed when I was being so emotional againd.
Iritado at mabilis kong hinawi siya paalis, pinindot muli ang elevator pero niyakap niya lang ako sa likod.
"D-Daru, please..." he buried his face in my nape. "P-please, m-mahal kita. E-everything I showed you is real—"
"G-guards..." I muttered when I felt like breaking down again.
"Doll, p-please..." Mas humigpit ang kanyang yakap sa akin.
"G-guards..." I called again, akmang aalis ako ay mas pinirmi ako ni Chance.
I coul feel his tears falling down my skin, I heard his soft sobs behind me but I would never melt. Not again.
"Guards!" I exclaimed loudly.
"N-no, no, Daru, please..." He sobbed. "P-please, don't—"
"Guards, help!" I exclaimed loudly until I heard footsteps coming closer.
"Sir..." Narinig kong tawag.
"N-no, let me go!" Chance groaned at mayamaya'y nawala na siya sa aking likod. I looked back and saw two guards holding his arm.
"I-I won't hurt her, just, let me go!" he groaned and pulled his hand pero dalawa ang may hawak sa kanya.
"Ma'am, anong gagawin namin dito?" ani ng isang guard sa akin.
"Doll, please..." I saw how tears glistened on his cheek. "P-please, let's just talk."
"Please ban him here," I said ruthlessly. "H-he's... he's harassing me."
"Darshana..." he called weakly pero nag-iwas lang ako ng tingin sa kanya.
"Sige, Ma'am," ani ng isang guard kaya tumango lang ako, walang tingin na pumasok sa kakabukas na elevator.
"Darshana!" he called. "No, let's talk! Let me go!"
Bago magsara ang elevator ay nakita ko pa siyang nagpupumiglas at halos sapakin na ang guard doon kaya nagbaba na lang ako ng ulo at pumikit.
Pumipintig ang sakit ng ulo ko no'ng gabing iyon, I slept crying like a kid again with nothing but Cho-choo to hug and comfort me. Kung tao lang siguro ito ay nagsumbong na siya kina Mama sa pag-iyak ko.
My cousins called but I didn't answer them, afraid that they'd know how much I was crying.
Madaling-araw na ata ako nang makatulugan ang pag-iyak at nagising na lang na sumasakit ang ulo at naduduwal.
I stood from the bed, covered my mouth and rushed inside the bathroom to puke. My stomach is churning, halos mayakap ko na ang inidoro doon para maisuka ko lang lahat ng mga kinain kahapon.
Nothing came out after that but I still feel like I want to puke so I did try again.
I could feel Pocholo beside me on the bathroom, nakaabang siya sa akin habang nakasalampak ako sa lapag at nagsusuka.
He barked and moved his body affectionately closer to me, nang pakiramdam ko ay wala na talaga akong mailalabas ay nanghihinang napabaling ako kay Cho-choo na pinagmamasdan lang ako.
"I'm okay, baby..." I hushed and wrapped my arms around his body, leaning my head on his fur. "I'm okay, thank you."
I took a bath after that, nanghihina pa rin ako at nahihilo. I texted my senior cabin crew I couldn't come to work because of fever at pumayag naman siya. Para akong lumulutang sa ere habang papunta sa kusina para kumuha ng pagkain.
I tried cooking eggs but the smell of it disgusts me, halos masuka-suka pa ako roon kaya ayaw ko man ay nasayang ko ang pagkain. I tried eating cereals but it wasn't enough so I ended up eating the cookies I didn't finish yesterday.
Nakasalampak ako sa sofa at nakatulala sa hangin. I felt really bad being disgusted with the smell of eggs. Hindi naman ako ganito, kapag gutom ako ay kakainin ko lahat but these days? I feel so sensitive with the smell of foods.
Bakit kaya...
I stiffened when something flashed in my head. I stood, panicking. I went to the calendar ofnmy phone and realized I didn't have my monthly menstruation this month.
Ayaw ko mang maisip but my brain started creating crazy scenarios, I remembered the time we had unprotected sex, the times he did his withdrawal game and... holy fuck.
Napatayo ako at nahulog ang cookies sa bibig.
No... way. No fucking way!
Mabilis kong tinakbo ang bag ko, hinalughog ko ang wallet ko bago walang pagdadalawang-isip na tinakbo ang pharmacy sa ibaba ng condo. Pocholo is following me as I make my way down but I didn't care anymore, I grabbed a few packs of cookies from the pharmacy before going to the counter to ask for it.
"Ilan, Ma'am?" The pharmacist smiled.
"Two..." I muttered. "N-no, make it three!"
Malakas ang kalabog ng puso ko habang paakyat muli sa kwarto ko, Pocholo might have sensed I am anxious kaya hindi siya humiwalay sa akin.
Nervously, I did what the instructions asked me to do. Nanginginig pa ang kamay ko pagkatapos kong maiayos ang kailangan at mabilis na naghugas ng kamay habang nag-aantay.
After that, I sat on the closed bowl and almost cried in fear and frustration. Para mawala ang kaba ay nagbukas ako ng cookie at kumain habang nag-aantay ng resulta.
No, h'wag naman sana...
I sighed hard after a couple of minutes, kumain pa ako ng isa bago marahang tumayo para silipin ang tatlong tests. The first one was a fail so I checked the other two at kaagad na nahulog ang luha ko, kasabay nang pagsalampak ko sa lapag nang makita ang resulta.
Two lines. I'm pregnant.
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