Kabanata 30
This is Solace Escape's last chapter. Thank you so much for patiently waiting! This story will always have a special place in my heart. With them, I found freedom. I hope you do, too.
UNEDITED.
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Kabanata 30
Being a mother is a big responsibility, hindi ka lang basta magluluwal ng bata pagkatapos mong dalhin ng ilang buwan. It should never be taken lightly, dapat handa ka, hindi lang financially. Pati physically at mentally.
Kapag panganak, iisipin mo ang kapakanan nila. Ang pagpapalaki, ang pagpapakain, pagpapaaral. 'Di ko ata kaya...
If I really am pregnant... I would accept it but... not now, I'm still not ready. My dreams are just starting. Kapag buntis ako, paano na? 'Di ko alam kung kaya ko... wala pa ito sa utak ko. I don't even want to have kids in the future.
I remained staring at the blurry night posts at the side of the road while my husband's driving the car.
"Angel, coffee?" he offered.
Umiling ako, nanatiling nakatitig sa labas.
How will I even tell him? Hindi ko pa matanggap sa sarili ko tapos sasabihin ko sa asawa ko, natatakot ako. Anong gagawin namin?
I'm just starting to dance again. Nasa binggit pa lang ako sa pag-abot muli ng pangarap ko, may panibagong dumating na hindi mawala sa utak ko.
My head's aching. Natatakot akong magpatingin, miski ang mag-pregnancy test. Natatakot ako.
Hindi ko pa kaya... 'di pa ako handa...
I closed my eyes, stopping myself from crying.
"Foods, angel?" he asked again. I shook my head.
"Snacks?" he offered me again, "may niluto ako sa condo pero—"
"No, Sol," mahinang sagot ko. "I'm full."
He sighed. Hindi ko siya nilingon.
Alam kong nag-aalala na siya pero ayaw kong magsalita at baka mapagbuntunan ko siya ng sama ng loob at galit. Ayaw ko no'n. Ayaw kong madala na naman sa emosyon at mapagsalitaan siya.
The car stopped. Napamulat ako at nilingon siya. He removed his jacket and placed it on my arms.
"You don't have to," bulong ko pero umiling siya't unti-unting inilagay ang iilang hibla ng buhok sa likod ng tainga ko. He touched my face briefly and kissed me on the forehead.
I breathed audibly.
"You know you can always talk to me, right?" he asked. I nodded a little, my eyes hurting. "Alam mong nandito lang ako palagi para sa 'yo, hindi ba?"
I nodded again, waiting for him to ask but didn't. He smiled, squeezed my palm and kissed my lips again before starting the car to go back to our condo while staying here during my therapy.
To not think too much, I checked my phone and scrolled and as usual, may say na naman sa akin na nawala na naman sa limelight pagkatapos ng drama na ginawa ko no'ng nakaraan.
My forehead creased when upon scrolling, they highlighted I might be pregnant to an unknown personality. I gripped my phone tightly and flipped it back to not see the headline.
Pregnant... paano nga kung buntis ako...
My hand trembled a little. I tilted my head and did my best not to look at Sol, afraid he'll read my thoughts and worries.
When we reached the building, Sol held me closer to him and I stayed quiet. Dinama ko ang init niya, kumukuha ng lakas mula sa kanya kasi takot na takot ako.
I felt a soft tug on my palm and it was too late for me to notice I'm gripping my husband's shirt too much.
"S-Sorry..."
"Hmm," he nodded, kissing my palm he took and pulled me closer to him. "I love you, angel."
"I love you, too," mahinang sagot ko pero muling kumirot ang dibdib.
Ang gulo-gulo ko, wala akong imik no'ng papasok na kami ni Sol sa loob ng condo.
"Sib, let's eat?" he offered when I took my coat off and changed my shoes.
"I'm full, thank you," sagot ko, "una na ako sa itaas—"
But he gently tugged me back, "come on, sinabi ng mga kasama mo hindi ka raw kumain ng tanghalian. 'Di ba, sinabihan kita? Atsaka ng doktor na h'wag magpapalipas? Para mas mabilis ang recovery—"
"I said no, ayoko," kalmado kong sagot. "Hindi ako gutom o ano."
"Snacks?" he offered, a soft smile on his lips. "Diet ka ba, angel? Sige, okay, handaan na lang kita ng light meal. Tara sa kusina? May ipapakita ako sa 'yo—"
"I said no!" I exclaimed loudly. He froze.
Napakurap-kurap ako, nagugulat. Nang matanto ang nagawa ay kinuha ko ang kamay paalis kay Sol at napaatras.
"S-Sorry, I d-didn't mean to shout..." I whispered, my eyes stinging.
He opened his mouth to speak and attempted to reach on me but I turned my back and ran to our room to hide.
Kahit madilim ay nagtungo ako papunta sa gilid ng kama at nanghihinang mapaupo. I was trying to calm myself and think rationally but all emotions and thoughts that's been bottling inside me exploded. I found myself crying.
I've raised my voice at my husband! I'm horrible! Hindi ako nag-isip at...
I touched my stomach and cried more, naghalo-halo ang emosyon.
Ang isiping buntis ako, ang pagtaas ko ng boses sa asawa ko... ang pagsasayaw ko...
I tried stifling my sobs when I heard the door opening. Ang madilim na kwarto ay nagliwanag at nang marinig ang hakbang ng asawa ay mas itinago ko ang mukha sa tuhod ko, nahihiya sa kanya.
I raised my voice at him...
He sat on the floor beside me. Ni hindi ko na kailangang tignan dahil sa ramdam na ramdam ko ang init na siya lang ang may hatid.
Nakakahiya ka, Sibyl. Bakit mo siya sinigawan? Inaaya ka lang kumain!
I fisted my palm when I felt his rough ones reaching for mine. He slowly caught my face and as the light touched his face when our gazes met, he smiled.
"Why is my wife crying, hmm?" magaan niyang sabi. Doon na ako napahagulgol at mabilis siyang niyakap.
"S-Sorry, Sol," I cried, "s-sorry, 'di ko s-sadya. 'Di ko gusto na taasan ka ng boses. I was just stressed a-and—"
"I know," he answered gently and touched my back, trying to stop me from sobbing. "I know, angel."
"I-I..." I sniffed. "I'd understand if you're mad at me. I failed controlling my temper and... I'll accept if—"
"Harap ka nga sa akin, misis ko," he slowly pulled away and cupped my cheek. "I'm not mad."
"But I..." I sniffed, still feeling bad. "I raised my voice, niyaya mo lang naman a-ako kumain tapos—" he kissed me on the lips. I stilled.
"I love you," he stared intently with his gentle and soulful black eyes, "I understand. You're tired and stressed. It's okay."
Instead of calming down, I felt more emotional with his answer.
"B-Bakit ang bait-bait mo?" iyak ko na pero binuhat niya lang ako at pinaupo sa kanyang hita.
I cried while he's hugging me, hindi siya nagtanong o ano pa man. Hinayaan niya akong kumuha ng lakas sa kanya, sa halip ay bubulong lang na mahal niya ako sa malambing na boses at hahalik sa buhok ko hanggang sa kumalma na ako.
He rocked me gently on his arms and it seemed like we have our world of our own. As if he's been sharing exhaustion and stress with me dahil dama ko ang unti-unti nitong pag-gaan mula sa dibdib ko.
Malamig ang kwarto kagaya ng panahon pero dahil sa init na hatid niya'y mas kumalma ako, mas nakakuha ng lakas.
He embraced me more as I touched his jaw and watched his face in the light. He caught my palm and kissed it.
"You can always tell me," he reassured me, watching my eyes. "If you're still not ready, take your time. We have a lifetime together to wait. I have a lifetime to listen."
I stroked his jaw more, hollow filling my chest.
"Sol, I'm scared," I started.
"Scared of?" malamlam ang kanyang mata habang nakatitig, "I'm always here for you, angel. Ang anak natin, ang pamilya mo, nandito kami lahat para sa 'yo."
"I..." lumunok ako. "I'm delayed."
He stiffened.
"Delayed?" he asked, umaayos ng upo, "what do you mean delayed?"
"Mens," maliit kong sagot sa kanya. "My schedule's yesterday b-but..." my lips trembled.
He breathed. Napaiyak na ako nang muli niya akong yakapin nang mahigpit.
"Shh," he hummed, "nagpa-check-up ka na ba, angel? Pregnancy test? Did you..." hinuli niya ang mukha ko at masuyong tumitig habang pinupunasan ang luha ko.
"Look at me," he said, I glanced his way. "Now, breathe with me, okay? Inhale... exhale..." ginaya ko ang utos niya at sabay naming ginawa iyon hanggang sa umayos kahit papaano ang paghinga ko.
"You okay now?" marahan akong tumango kahit nangingilid pa rin ang luha, kinakabahan sa kanyang reaksyon. "Can you tell me clearly? What are the signs? Nagpa-check ka na ba sa OB? Pregnancy test? I should have..." he closed his eyes, "I should've brought condoms with me always."
"It's not your fault," umiling ako, hinahawi ang luha. "I-I'm taking pills, too. Technically, we're assuming it's s-safe..."
Tumitig siya sa akin, it was warm and careful pero 'di ko mabasa kung anong pinapahiwatig no'n kaya nahihiya akong nagbaba ng tingin.
"Sorry, S-Sol, am I dramatic—"
"No one's dramatic here, angel," hinuli niya ang tingin ko. "And again, I'm not mad or anything. Tell me, we could talk about it. It's better that way, right? Sasabihin mo sa 'kin para dalawa tayong nag-iisip, hindi 'yong kinikimkim mo lang."
Kinagat ko ang labi.
"We're married, angel," he touched my cheek, "and we could resolve and talk about things, together. I'm here to offer an advice or listen, you could tell me things. You trust me, right?"
I nodded with no hesitations.
"I'm taking pills for maintaining may menstruation, right?" he nodded, "and I'm delayed. Dapat ay dinatnan ako kahapon pero wala, tapos ngayon, wala r-rin."
"And?" he combed my hair, urging me to go on. "And I'm not in the mood earlier, I'm pissed and vomited."
Natigilan siya, "you do?"
Tumango ako.
Natahimik siya saglit, nag-iisip bago ako inayos sa hita niya.
"Hindi kaya dahil nagutuman o stress ka lang?" he asked, "hindi ka kumain kanina, 'di ba? I prepared breakfast for you but you're too eager to practice dancing. Sabi mo doon ka na kakain pero sabi ng mga kasama mo hindi mo ginawa. And, you're even dancing here in our condo, late ka pa natutulog. Are you sure you're not straining yourself?"
Umiling ako, "I-I don't know. But the signs, Sol. I'm delayed, I've vomited and moody—well, palagi naman akong moody." Ngumuso ako.
He chuckled. Napangiti na rin ako at hinawi ang luha ko, tumititig sa kanya.
"Ever since my tragedy that I started taking anti-depressants, I'm moody. May oras na maayos ako, masaya tapos minsan iritado." I lamented, "pero kasi... Sol, the signs..."
He kissed my cheek, "I could swing by the pharmacy to buy some strips, or we could go check an OB tomorrow—"
"I don't know what to do, I'm scared," hinaplos ko ang balikat niya. "I don't want children, nasabi ko na sa 'yo 'to noon pero kung magkakaroon, wala namang problema pero k-kasi... hindi pa ako handa ngayon, Sol. I mean, I was just starting to dance again. If I'm pregnant, I would stop dancing again for the baby, tapos pahinga pa pagkapanganak."
Humugot ako ng hininga, "hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pang m-maghintay. Hindi ko alam k-kung... kung kaya ko pa sa ibang taon. I've waited for years t-to..."
"Let's not assume for now, hmm," hinaplos niya ang balikat ko, "nothing is certain until we checked. Kapag nand'yan na, mag-uusap tayo kung anong gusto mong mangyari."
"Gusto ko?" I asked, "h-how about you? I know you're okay with not having children but if I'm pregnant, tapos ayaw ko, p-parang ang sama kong ina na nasa tiyan ko pa lang s-siya..."
"Don't think that way," umiling siya sa akin, "and you will decide for you, tutulong lang ako sa pag-iisip nang mangyayari pero na sa 'yo ang huling desisyon."
My forehead creased.
"It's your body, silly," he pinched my cheek. "Wala akong karapatang magdesisyon sa gagawin mo sa katawan mo, Sibyl. I'm your husband but I don't own you—well, technically, I own your heart but your body... it's yours to make decisions to, not mine."
"Sol..." my voice softened, "if I'm really pregnant, I-I can accept... we made love and I might be using pills and you, condom, hindi naman 'yon hundred percent effective. Natatakot lang ako kasi... bakit ngayon pa? N-Nagsimula pa lang akong sumayaw ulit, p-parang 'di ko kaya kapag... kapag mag-aantay pa."
He embraced me tightly, "we'll decide, hmm? We will talk when we're certain about your pregnancy. You can decide what to do and I will help, we could ask your family for advice, your doctors... basta, kahit anong mangyari. Kahit anong gusto mo, susuportahan kita."
He urged me to eat after para magkalaman ang sikmura ko at hindi manghina kaya sumama ako sa kanya sa kusina.
Natigilan ako nang matantong may flowers sa lapag at may candlelit dinner pang nakahanda.
"Sol..." nilingon ko siya. "Sorry, 'di ko alam. Tapos napagtaasan pa kita ng boses—"
"Ito namang asawa ko parang others," he chuckled and pulled me closer to him, kissing my head. "Come on, let's eat. Wrong timing lang ang surprise kasi wala ka sa mood but you're here, and the food's still warm. Would you like to eat with me?"
Smiling, I nodded. Niyakap ko ang baywang ni Sol habang naglalakad sa pagitan ng mga scented candles at roses.
My husband lifted a chair for me and gave me a bouquet of familiar flowers.
"Thank you, baby," I sniffed the flowers, smiling. "Sorry talaga, if I have known—"
"Mabubuhay na 'yong manok kaka-sorry mo, angel," tinuro niya ang manok. Napabungisngis ako.
"Sorry—" he gave me a look. Kinagat ko ang labi at nangingiting sumandal sa upuan, tinatago ang mukha sa bouquet. "Love you, Sol ko," sabay silip ko sa bouquet.
He chuckled, "I love you, too, ganda. Tara na't kumain at babalik na ata sa tindahan itong manok sa tagal nating kainin siya."
Sol prepared foods for me, he replenished my glass with fresh mango juice and even prepared a coffee cake dessert for me.
Excited na tinusok ko iyon at tinikman.
"Hmm..." I hummed heavenly as he watched me amusingly.
"Sarap?" he asked.
I nodded happily.
"Patikim," naglagay ako sa kutsara, bahagyang tumayo para isubo sa kanya nang hilahin niya ang kamay ko papalapit.
I gasped when he rose and caught my face for a kiss instead. Napakurap-kurap ako. He kissed me deeply then licked my lower lip, slowly pulling away.
"Masarap nga," he nodded and sat.
"Ikaw..." nag-init ang pisngi ko, mabilis na napaupo, "ang hilig-hilig mong manghalik!"
"I'm not," he smirked at me, "I'm just tasting the food on your mouth, angel. Mas masarap kasi kapag sa labi mo."
I threw a piece of tissue on his direction, natatawang umiwas siya at uminom ng wine, kumikindat sa akin.
Natulala ako.
I praised his features silently, admiring how beautiful he is. Noon pa man hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin mawala ang paghanga ko sa kanya. Sa ugali, sa prinsipyo, sa lahat... bonus na lang na mukha at ang performance niya sa you know...
I wanted to make him happy. Kasi naniniwala ako sa kasabihang, happy husband, happy vagina.
"H'wag mo naman masyadong ipahalatang patay na patay ka sa 'kin, angel," I rolled my eyes. He laughed. "'Yong irap mo na naman, wala akong bendita ngayon para sa holy spirit."
"Idiot," napatawa na ako sabay tikim muli ng cake hanggang sa natahimik kaming dalawa.
It wasn't awkward. It was comforting. It felt like we could be quiet all night but would never feel alone.
A soft song was playing on the speaker while Sol's been touching my finger with the knot we still had for our wedding. He brought my palm on his lips and stared at me intently.
Binitawan niya ang ang kamay ko kaya nagtatakang pinagmasdan ko siyang kumuha ng cube ice para ilagay sa inumin ko.
"Thank you, baby," sumimsim ako at ngumiti pero nanatili lang siyang nasa harapan ko. "Hmm? You left the fridge's door open."
Hindi siya umimik, he removed my foot sack and cleaned my foot with his handkerchief then rose, offering me his hand.
"Can I ask my angel for a dance?"
"But..." tinuro ko ang ref, he slowly pulled me up.
"Let it," he chuckled, "magsasayang ako ng kuryente ngayon."
I narrowed him with my gaze, curious. He chuckled and placed his palm on my waist, "come on, dance with me, my ballerina?"
"I gladly would, my solace," I smiled widely.
Dinala niya ako sa gitna at humawak ako sa kanyang balikat habang ang isa naming kamay ay nakaangat sa ere, ang mata'y magkahugapo.
Oh, kay gandang pagmasdan
Ang iyong mga mata
Kumikinang-kinang
'Di ko maintindihan
My smile widened upon hearing the song playing. Ikaw Lang by Nobita made the ambiance more romantic.
Ang iyong mga tingin
Labis ang mga ningning
Langit ay bumaba
Bumababa pala ang tala
"I love you, Sol," I smiled at him.
"Mahal din kita," he swayed me and locked gazes with me again. "Hindi ako magmamahal kung hindi ikaw."
My eyes swelled, nodding my head. Isinandal ko ang ulo sa kanyang dibdib at pinakinggan ang malakas na kalabog ng kanyang puso.
Halik sa labi
Tinginan natin
'Di akalaing
Mahuhulog ka sa 'kin
He embraced me tighter. I lifted my gaze and kissed his jaw. He locked gazes with me.
Tumingin ka sa aking mga mata
At hindi mo na kailangan pang
Magtanong nang paulit-ulit
"Ikaw lang ang iniibig..." he continued the song and kissed my lips.
I hummed with him, letting go of my pain, my confusion and fear for the mean time. I succumbed myself into the warmth only him could make me feel, swaying.
We danced in the middle of the roses, with only the light from the scented candles and refrigerator light. We did what we loved, what made us feel free... dancing.
"Step on my feet," ani Sol kaya natatawang yumakap ako sa kanya, tumapak sa kanyang paa at siya ang gumalaw, isinasayaw kaming dalawa.
"Sol, I love you, super." Humalik ako sa kanyang leeg, "salamat ng marami. Kasi nandito ka sa akin, nandito ka sa tabi ko. Simula noon, hanggang ngayon..."
"Nandito pa rin ako hanggang sa hinaharap," he tilted my chin up, "nandito palagi. I'll be your family, I'll be your husband and best friend. I'll be what you made me feel... free."
We danced the whole night, letting go of our worries and enjoyed ourselves. Kung 'di lang siguro ako humikab ay 'di pa kami titigil.
"Sorry," natawa ako, "namanhid ba ang paa mo kakatapak ko?"
"Nope," he kissed me again, "I don't mind the numbness, as long as it was you I'm dancing with."
Tulong kami sa pagligpit ng pinagkainan, nagkukulitan pa, nagtatawanan. If comfort was a person, it will be Solomon.
I could express myself, be myself whenever I'm with him.
Mahal na mahal kita, Sol, sana naipaparamdam ko sa 'yo.
"Ako na rito," ani Sol, "go wash up upstairs, I'll follow."
"Sure?" tumaas ang kilay ko, "we could wash dishes together!"
Napaisip siya pero ngumisi ulit, "I'd love to pero pagod ka, sa susunod na lang, sabay tayong maghuhugas. Magpahinga ka muna."
I nodded my head, turning my back to go up when he called me.
"Angel..."
"Hmm?" nilingon ko siya pero ang mata niya'y nakatuon sa dress ko. He pointed my back at dali-dali kong tinignan.
"O-Oh God!" namilog ang mata ko nang matantong may dugo roon.
I think I lost my strength, nanlambot ako pero mabuti'y naabot niya ako at pinaupo sa upuan.
"How are you feeling?" he cupped my face, "is that..."
"I think so," bulong ko. "maybe I was just delayed and... oh, God, I-I thought I was..."
He hugged me. Napaiyak ako habang kuyom-kuyom ang kanyang damit, itinatago ang mukha sa kanyang leeg.
"It's okay, I'm here..."
"Sorry, Sol," I cried, "n-natatakot lang ako na... akala ko..."
He carried me to our room instead. Pinaupo niya ako sa nakasaradong bowl at inayos ang bath tub. I watched him silently as he religiously did that. Walang reklamo at tila kabisado ang gagawin.
Napahawak ako sa tiyan. It's false alarm. Hindi ko alam kung dapat ba akong matuwa o maiyak.
He smiled when he caught my eyes, "can I shower with you?"
I nodded, "why not?"
He walked closer to me and lifted my foot on his leg, "I'm stripping you, okay?"
I obediently nodded and let him undressed me, tumayo ako at kinuha ang underwear ko sa kanya.
"I'll wash the blood first—"
"Ako na," walang pagdadalawang-isip niyang sagot at kinuha sa akin ang underwear.
Kumunot ang noo ko, "it has mens, baby. I should be the one washing—"
"I'm your husband," he answered and squeezed my palm, "it's okay."
"Really?" umawang ang labi ko, "aren't you bothered? I mean, it's a bit disgusting lalo na at 'di galing sa 'yo. That's from my..."
"Nothing's disgusting with this blood," he shrugged, "and it's yours, anong silbi kong asawa kung miski paglalaba lang ganito, hindi ko kaya?"
I pouted. Natatawang binitawan niya ang underwear ko at saglit akong dinala sa shower bago ibinaba sa bath tub.
"Sol..." he shut me up by his kisses.
"Cleaning this is nothing compared to the pain you're feeling monthly," he answered. "Let me, angel. Sit back and relax, I'll join you."
I lathered the bubbles on my body while watching Sol cleaning my stained dress and underwear. Pinagmamasdan ko siya sa salamin na kaharap niya at napapangiti nang makitang desidido lang siya sa ginagawang pagtanggal ng stain sa halip na mandiri.
I touched my chest.
Possible bang mahulog pang lalo kahit hulog na hulog ka na?
I giggled when he was done, he stripped off his clothes and walked closer to me with his massive... I bit my lip, my cheeks heated.
"S'werte mo naman at gwapo ang asawa mo," I slapped the water, natatawang umiwas siya para 'di maabot.
"Yabang!" suminghal ako at natawa, "ikaw nga ang s'werte at crush mo lang noon, asawa mo na ngayon!"
"I'm lucky, then," pumunta siya likod ko at sumampa sa tub. Umawas ang tubig at umayos ako para makaupo siya.
The tub was large when I was here alone pero kapag si Sol na ang sumampa parang ang liit-liit lang.
"Crush ko lang noon, asawa ko na ngayon," sabay hawak niya sa sikmura ko at usog sa kanya. I rested my back on his massive chest. He kissed my hair and buried his face on my shoulder.
"Ang s'werte-s'werte ko," he hummed, "sa dami nang lalaking humahabol sa 'yo, ako ang nagustuhan mo."
"Ay, ikaw kasi nabunot ko sa draw lots," sabat ko.
I squealed when he tickled me, "anong sabi mo? Draw lots? Sa gwapo kong 'to nanalo lang pala ako sa bunutan?"
"Hindi—" I screamed again, "Solomon, ano ba! 'Yong tubig umaawas!"
"Ganyan kita kamahal," napatingin tuloy ako sa kanya, napapantastikuhan, "—umaawas."
I stilled. He grinned wickedly when he caught my crimson red face. Umiwas ako pero nahuli niya akong muli at pinatakan ako ng halik.
"Hawak mo ang puso ko, angel, sana ramdam mo gaano ka kamahal na mahal nito," he reached for my palm and placed it on his raging heartbeats.
"Buti nakakahinga ka pa, 'no?" I asked. His forehead creased. "You know? Since this face's breathtaking?"
"Anak ka nga ng Tatay mo," he cackled. Napatawa rin ako at niyakap ang braso niya sabay sandal sa kanyang dibdib.
"'Di kaya 'ko nagmana kay Daddy," I reminded him, "si Kuya at Zire, oo. Pero si Twinkle at ako, kay Mommy—"
"'Di ka sure," I smacked him again. Natatawang niyakap niya akong muling at hinalikan sa ulo. "Mahal na mahal kita. All versions of you. The sweet, the moody and snob, the bratty, even the sexy and irritated one."
I felt it. Kahit 'di niya sabihin, ramdam na ramdam ko ang pagmamahal na iyon. Mula noon at hanggang ngayon at sa hinaharap, mananalangin ako. Na sana, ang pagmamahal na iyon ay mananatili, magtatagal at mas titibay.
Sa tagal kong nakasama si Sol ay nakita ko rin ang lahat ng bersyon niya.
"You, too," I mumbled. "I love every version of you. The funny, sweet, the serious, the sexy one. I love how you could be a cute and innocent puppy but could turn into a wild predator in bed. I like how you dirty talk, you know?"
I glanced his way, I caught his cheek reddening. Lumaki ang ngisi ko. Itinago niya ang mukha sa balikat ko.
"I didn't even know I'm that way," he whispered, "ikaw kasi..."
"Naman! Dapat ata may-award ako at napapalabas ko ang side mong ganyan!" I smiled wickedly, "don't you know how flattered I am seeing that wild side of you? Kung alam mo lang paano mo napapasaya ang vagina ko!"
he laughed while buried on my shoulders. Nangiti ako at hinayaan siya.
"You made my cock happy too," he whispered and bit my skin. I shivered.
"A-Ano ba, Sol," suminghap ako, "mayro'n ako ngayon... ano ka ba..."
"What?" he glanced my way, amused. "I'm not suggesting anything, angel. Well, unless..."
"Nope!" umiling ako at muling sumandal sa kanya. Natahimik kaming dalawa at hinayaan ko siyang sabunan ang likod ko at lagyan ng shampoo ang buhok ko.
"Sol, can I ask you something?"
"Hmm," he massaged my scalp. Napapikit ako at dinama ang pakiramdam ng daliri niya sa anit ko.
"If it wasn't a false alarm. I was pregnant, what are we gonna do?"
Natigilan siya saglit, "s'yempre, masaya na may anak tayo pero hindi 'yon sapat, Sibyl. Mas mahalaga pa rin sa akin ang nararamdaman mo, kung anong pananaw mo. Kung anong gusto mo, doon ako. Rerespetuhin ko ang gusto mo."
"If I was pregnant..." I touched my stomach, "I'm scared, Sol. Naisip ko ang pagsasayaw ko, ang pangarap kong kakaabot ko pa lang. I could... we could take care of our child but still I'm not yet ready. At least not emotionally. Not right now. Ang pagkakaroon ng anak, malaking responsibilidad a-at..."
"I'll always be with you, no matter what happens," inilapit niya ako sa kanya at muling yumakap.
"Aren't you sad?" mahinang tanong ko at pinaglaruan ang balahibo sa kanyang braso sa ilalim ng tubig.
"Sad? About?"
"Na wala tayong baby? I know we have Fritzy and she's ours. I was just thinking if having another one would—"
"Kung hindi ka handa, hindi kita pipilitin, Sibyl. Kung gusto mong magkaanak, ayos lang. Kung ayaw mo, ayos lang. Tanggap ko, Sibyl. Hindi kita pinakasalan para anakan, pinakasalan kita kasi mahal kita. Hindi dahil sa naghahangad akong may ibibigay ka sa 'kin."
I closed my eyes. His embrace tightened.
"Hindi ako ang magdadala at maghihirap ng siyam na buwan. Yes, sex is great. It felt good and I wanna do it often with you pero pagkatapos ng sarap na 'yon, ikaw ang mahihirapan. Ikaw ang magdadala, hindi ako."
I faced him, my eyes softening.
"Sol..." I touched his jaw.
"It is your body, angel," he moved his face closer to me. "The pleasure of sex is worth it but the pain you might feel during pregnancy? It's... I don't even think I could bear seeing you hurting. Siyam na buwan. Kayong mga babae, may buwanang dalaw. Masakit 'yon sa tiyan, 'di ba? Tapos kapag nagbuntis, siyam na buwan. Kapag nanganak pa."
I shot my brow up, silently agreeing.
"See? Iniisip ko pa nga lang nakakatakot na, paano pa kayong nararanasan 'yon? Anong karapatan kong pakiaalaman ang gusto mo kung 'di ko naman ramdam ang hirap mo?"
And God, I fell harder.
Niyakap ko siya, kumakandong na.
"Thank you for being considerate, Sol," I whispered, "thank you..."
"I'm not being considerate, misis," natawa siya, "that's just how people like me should act. It wasn't something to be grateful about. You—everyone deserved that."
"Hmm... kahit na!" I giggled, "kaya love na love kita, eh!" pinaulanan ko siya ng halik.
"Anyway, angel, I'm thinking..." he started. Natigil ako kakakagat sa leeg niya at sinilip ang kanyang mukha.
"What?"
"It will take months for you to fully recover and come back to dancing, right?" I nodded at him, "I want you to enjoy your dream and the process of returning. I don't want to take it away from you by having another scare like this. So, I'm thinking..." he licked his lower lip.
"What?" I brushed his hair.
"What do you think if I undergo vasectomy?"
Natigilan ako.
"What? Are you serious?"
He tilted his head, "I'm considering, that's why I'm asking for your opinion."
Natahimik ako, hindi nakasagot kaagad.
"Here, angel," he explained and took his phone. Dumungaw ako roon. "I've researched and asked professionals regarding the process and it looked promising."
Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala, "would you... really?"
Tumango siya, "pills and condoms are not as effective all the time. We are married and we both love sex. It's better safe that sorry, right? And you're dancing."
"I..." I heaved a sigh, "I could maybe try IUD?"
"Oo pero ikaw na lang ba palaging mag-a-adjust?" he stared at me. Natahimik ako.
How beautiful this man could be?
"Come to think of this, angel. This is in general, okay? Kayo, isang beses lang p'wedeng magbuntis sa isang taon. Ang mga lalaki, hindi lahat ay responsable. Sinong mas may tyansang makabuntis ng marami? Lalaki."
I nodded slowly.
"What I'm trying to say was, we could compromise. The procedure might feel uncomfortable and painful but it will only take weeks or a month, kapag nagbuntis ka? Nine months? Paano ang pangarap mo?"
I pouted, placing my palms on my cheek, watching him amusingly.
"What?" he chuckled, "what's with that cute face?"
"Mabuti na lang no'ng ginawa ka ni Lord, sa akin ka napunta," I answered wishfully, laughing when his face flushed.
My therapy continued and along the way, my husband was there and didn't let go of my hand. When my surgeon and therapist gave me a go signal, itinuloy ko sa Pilipinas ang training hanggang sa nag-umpisa na akong makabalik paunti-unti sa mga routine.
Uncle Roux with his wife came with me together with the therapist to monitor my progress. So far, so good.
My wedding with Sol is still in secret and we loved how that privacy made me feel. Hindi kasi lahat ay dapat nakikita ng publiko. Ang mga public figure kagaya ko'y may buhay din naman na labas sila. Hindi ko responsibilidad na sabihin sa kanila lahat ng nangyayari sa akin.
"Come here, darling," my Auntie Mauve called.
Sumulyap ako kay Sol at Fritzy, they smiled at me. Naglakad ako patungo kay Auntie at pinakita niya sa akin ang mga shades na ita-try ko para sa commercial.
"Madame Mauve," her assistant came closer, "may sakit po 'yong isang modelo pero may... ano, 'di ko pa sigurado kung ayos lang kay Miss Sibyl..."
"What?" my forehead creased.
"Kasi, Miss," he scratched his forehead. Nakita ko sina Rey at Sandra sa gilid na tinatanguan ako at mukhang alam ko na kaagad.
"Teresa?" I inquired and when I saw the nervous twitch of his assistant, alam ko na. "It's okay, go." I shrugged.
Hindi ko na pinagtutunan ng pansin ang pagdating niya't pagbibida sa studio kahit ilang beses niya akong pinaparinggan na s'werte daw ni ng cosmetics at nakuha siya, in demand daw kasi siya.
In demand my ass.
I rolled my eyes.
If only she knew how large Auntie Mauve's cosmetic line was.
"Nakasimangot na naman ang anghel ko," nagnakaw si Sol ng halik sa nakanguso kong labi at hinaplos ang noo ko, "h'wag na mangunot noo, nababawasan ang nakakabaliw mong kagandahan."
Tumaas ang sulok ng labi ko, natatawa sa kanya.
"Idiot," I spat and kissed him briefly, "I love you."
"Mama, coffee?" napahiwalay ako kay Sol at inilahad ang braso ko kay Fritzy.
"Thanks, my sweety," I kissed her cheek and let her sit on my lap while she's letting me sip on the coffee.
"Careful, Mama," she took a tissue and removed a stain. "Your lipstick's getting messy."
"Sibyl? Darling?" my Auntie's bright blue eyes caught mine, she waved at me, calling my attention.
"Coming!" tumayo ako at humalik sa mag-ama ko. "I love you both, I'll be quick. Sa ancestral tayo sa dinner, hmm?"
Teresa's eyes are on me with the wicked glint, as usual. 'Di ko pinansin. Kasama pa niya si James na nakasimangot at sumusulyap kay Sol na seryosong nanunuod kasama ang manager ko.
Marami akong ginagawa ngayon pero masayang-masaya ako. Binawasan ko ang media appearances at nag-focus muna sa modelling at photography habang nag-te-training sa ballet.
Last time, my photography from the last time's Sinulog in Cebu was featured in an exhibit and now, dito naman ako bilang model ni Auntie.
The shoot started and it was smooth sailing. Pulos papuri ang naririnig kong sinasabi ng photographer habang kinukuhaan ako ng litrato.
Nawala lang ako sa focus nang mapansing wala si Teresa at si James ang natira. My eyes wandered around, snorting upon seeing where she was.
She's trying to converse a conversation with my husband!
Inikot ko ang tingin at nakitang inaayusan ni Sandra ang anak ko kasama si Rey na kinukulot ang buhok niya kaya mag-isa lang si Sol.
Nakasandal siya sa pader at nakahalukipkip, suot ang simpleng itim na shirt at jeans. Malinis na malinis ang gupit. His jaw's clenched, as if pissed at her. Kulang na lang ay manlaki ang butas ng ilong.
Sino ba namang 'di maiinis? Fans kaya ni Teresa ang mortal enemy ng Sibyl Protection Squad fans club nila ni Liza!
Nagpigil ako ng tawa nang magsalubong ang mata namin. He gave me a ridiculous and annoyed look while Teresa's forcing a laugh and even slapping his arms.
Ikalma mo, Admin S!
"Miss Sibyl, eyes on the camera," utos ng photographer kaya inilayo ko ang tingin sa kanila.
I parted my lips and posed with the lipstick on my fingers, flexing the color of my lips.
Natapos ang shoot na kulang na lang ay magmaktol ang asawa ko.
"Ikalma mo, mister," natatawang bulong ko. "Oh, nanlalaki na 'yong ilong mo. Baka 'yong kulangot magalit na rin!"
"Tss," he snorted, "paanong kakalma kung mga bobong fans no'n madalas namin kaaway ni Liza? Buti nga nagtimpi ako, kung nandito si Liza baka may sabong na."
I laughed, "silly! Teka, let me go back inside. I forgot my purse."
I sipped on my coffee.
He offered to take me inside but I refused, pinaantay ko sila ng anak namin sa sasakyan at bumalik sa studio na walang tao. Papunta pa lang ako sa pwesto ko kanina nang makita ko na ang pamilyar na likod ni Teresa.
My forehead creased and strolled to snatch my wallet from her.
"Oh!" she blurted. "This is yours pala? Napansin ko lang kasi kaya tinignan ko."
"Uh-huh," isinara ko ang wallet pagkatapos ayusin ang polaroid picture ng kasal namin ni Sol. "You can check the identification, bakit mo pa papakialaman ang pictures?"
Her lips twitched.
"My bad, 'di ko naman naisip na may tinatago ka—"
"Tinatago?" I opened my purse, "this? Hiding? Why would I hide it? You've seen they're here already. You even tried flirting with my husband."
"What?" namula siya, "I'm not! I was just telling him kung anong nakita niya sa 'yo? Look at that, you are bitching out!"
"Bitching out?" I laughed blankly, "wala pa akong ginagawa nito, Teresa, paano pa kung mayro'n na? Baka umiyak ka na?"
"Akala mo magaling ka porket babalik ka na sa pagsasayaw?" she scoffed, "ako pa rin ang principal dancer! I'm better than you—"
"Share mo lang?" I sipped on my coffee.
Mas namula siya, "see? See how evil you are? You're a devil, Sibyl!"
"Correct," I pointed out and smile sweetly. Mas namula siya, napipikon na.
"Bitch!" she screamed, "ano bang nagustuhan sa 'yo ng asawa mo?! Wait for it! I will publicize this! Tell her..." hinila niya si James, "James, tell her—"
"We're not..." umiling si James, "we're not together anymore, Sib."
"Sino?"
"Kami ni Teresa—"
"Sinong nagtanong?" putol ko.
Natulala silang dalawa. Mas nagwala si Teresa at nagmumura na pero pinanuod ko lang siya, tumatango habang ninanamnam ang kape ko.
Sarap!
"Look at your attitude! Hindi ka na nagbago! Mas lumala ka lang!" she exclaimed, "just wait! Ilalabas ko ang kasal mo sa media! At may anak ka pa! Ano? 'Di mo sinabi sa publiko kasi kinakahiya mo siya—"
I pursed my lips and coughed a little, droplets of coffee splattered on her face.
"Opps?" I gasped, "sorry, your bullshit made me choke."
She whined, "panyo! Oh, God! You are disgusting! James! The—"
"Wait..." dumukot ako sa bulsa, "I have here..."
"Faster!" she squealed and stared at me with disgust, "it's your fault!"
"I have here..." unti-unti kong kinuha ang kamay paalis sa bulsa sabay pakita ng middle finger, "—nothing."
Sumigaw siya. Parang manok na nanggigising sa umaga. I smiled widely, flipped my hair and walked out with my hips moving like a runway model.
My husband noticed my good mood during our ride to the ancestral, pakanta-kanta pa ako kasama si Fritzy at sumasayaw pa sa indak ng kanta sa stereo.
"Good mood ang mag-ina ko, ah?" pansin niya.
Fritzy and I grinned at him.
"Mama bought me a customized tutu, Papa,"
"Hmm, I bet your mother had a different kind of fun," nilingon ako ni Sol. "You pissed someone off, have you?"
I grinned and winked. Tumawa siya.
"That's my little demon," mas natawa na ako at pinalo siya.
"Akala ko ba, angel?!"
Pagkarating namin sa ancestral ay maingay na kaagad. Wala nang bago roon.
Nangunguna na si Kuya Zy sa kantahan sa videoke at nagrereklamo na sila dahil ang haba raw ng Kitchie Nadal Medley niya.
"Ang pretty ghourl ko!" Daddy jumped and ran closer.
"Dad..." natatawang niyakap ko siya, "kumusta, anak? How's the shoot with Mauve?"
"Great!" I nodded, "we wrapped it up today."
He kissed my hair again then carried Fritzy, "ang apo ko, ang bigat na! May pasalubong sa 'yo si Papa Zeij, Fritz."
"I'm a big girl na kasi, Papa," Fritzy smiled cutely. He kissed her cheek then smiled softly.
"Fritzy," biglang tawag ni Mommy, "come here, anak, may pagkain!"
Nang ibaba ni Dad si Fritz ay nagtatakbo ang anak ko papunta kina Mommy at nakikain sa plato ni Twinkle.
"Good evening, pare, ambag ko," ani Sol kay Dad na nakabusangot sa kanya.
"Anong ambag-ambag? Sino ka? Pagkatapos mong agawin ang pretty ghourl ko—"
"Dad," I warned.
"Hmp, 'di pa rin ako maka-recover na nabawasan ng kagandahang taglay ang bahay ko," kinuha niya ang paper bag ng pagkain na binili namin ni Sol at umakbay sa huli. "Tara, pareng Solomon, lulunurin kita sa pool."
Sol gave me a look, asking for help pero kinindatan ko lang. I waved a little at him and was about to go to where my mother was when I noticed a car approaching.
Pumunta ako sa gilid ng gate, humalukipkip habang pinagmamasdan ang nangyayari.
Ash went out of the car and opened the shotgun seat, inalalayan niya si Adira papalabas ng kotse na dala-dala ang isang katerbang papel.
"Let me help," inabot ni Ash ang ibang papel.
"No, ako na," nahihiyang ngumiti si Adi, "I can carry these inside. Tara pasok? May foods sa loob?"
"Gusto ko sana kaso," umiling si Ash, "may dinner din kasi sa bahay kaya... sorry, boo. Bawi ako, libre kitang buffet sa Lunes?"
Adi's eyes glistened. Her cheek reddened.
"Really?"
"Hmm," he placed a few strands of her hair behind her ear then fixed her glasses.
My cousin blushed more. Nagpigil ng ngiti ang huli.
Lumabi na ako.
Ang mamanhid!
"Ay, walang good night kiss?" I suddenly appeared from the dark.
Sabay silang napatalon nang makita ako.
"S-Sib..." namilog ang mata ni Adi.
"Sibyl, good evening," nagulat din ang huli at mukhang kinabahan. I smirked at him.
"Good evening din, Abo," I pointed out, "ginabi kayo ng pinsan ko, ah?"
"Group study," mabilis na sagot ni Adi sa akin, "ikaw talaga, Sibyl, ma-issue ka!"
My mouth parted. Napahawak ako sa dibdib.
"Wala naman akong sinabi?" napatawa ako, lalo na nang mamula siya at ngumuso.
"Good night, boo," she mumbled, "pasensya na sa dragon kong pinsan—"
"Sinong dragon?" I glanced at Ash and gave him a cold and scary look, "mukha ba akong dragon, Abo?"
Color left his face, "n-no, of course not." Umiling siya sabay tikhim at ayos ng papel sa braso ni Adi. "Message me tomorrow if you need help with the case and good night..."
Sumulyap siya sa akin, "good night, Sibyl. Ngayon lang kita ulit nakita."
"Hmm, saya-saya mo siguro 'no?" tinaasan ko siya ng kilay, "walang nananakot sa 'yo—hmm!"
Muntik na akong matumba nang takpan ni Adi ng papel ang mukha ko.
"Ano ba—"
"B-Bye, boo! Good night! I'm sorry about this woman—"
"Crush—" mas tinampal ni Adi ang mukha ko ng papel kaya nanahimik na ako at mamatay-matay na kakatawa sa kanya.
Nang makaalis si Ash ay sumakit ang tiyan ko kakahalakhak habang tumutulong sa kanyang ayusin ang nagkalat na papel sa harutan naming dalawa.
"Do you really think he..." Adi watched me hopefully.
"He likes you?" I finished her sentence, 'di siya umimik. "I don't have to ask, actually. You can read it on his face."
Ngumuso siya, inayos ang glasses at mas yumakap sa mga papel.
"Paano pag hindi—"
"You like him, too, admit it." I pointed out, "ask him. Sometimes, too much waiting is bad, Adi. Wala namang masama kung susubok?"
She sighed.
"Speaking of your hair..." I started, she froze. "Nanganak na ba 'yong ibon d'yan sa pugad ng Mulawin?"
We had a great night with the family. Mama and Papa Jer were there, too, and I might not vocal, sobrang saya ko dahil kompleto kaming lahat sa pamilya.
We had booze, partying with mix of laughters from my family's dry joke. They're always corny, isama pa ang asawa kong game na game sa asaran but these people...
These are my corny. This won't be the Sandejas family without this kind of dry humor.
Nagkakagulo man minsan at 'di nagkakaintindihan, pinalaki kami at tinuruan nina Mama at Papa Jer na magpakumbaba at pag-usapan ang lahat bago pa magkagulo at magkasira-sira.
Ang tibay ng isang pamilya ay kagaya ng puno, nagsisimula sa ugat hanggang sa yumabong at magbuinga. With this strong foundation, I hope my family could withstand any storm coming our way.
Seeing the smile from my grandparents, I know how happy they are with their children and the families they built.
"We did a good job, hmm, hon?" I overheard Mama Lena whispering to Papa while touching her paper plane necklace.
"We did," Papa kissed her cheek, "if I die, I'll die happy."
"Anong mamamatay?" nguso ko kaya napatingin sila sa aking dalawa.
"Princess..." I walked closer, niyakap ko sila nang mahigpit.
"I'm glad you and Sol are happy now. Thank you because you accepted Fritzy with all your heart."
"Fritzy's my daughter," sumulyap ako sa anak na nakikipaglaro ng jolens kay Twinkle.
"I know your family will be happy," Papa placed his arm on my shoulder, "I'm proud of the woman you became, princess. We're proud of you."
I hugged them both, grateful of how wonderful they are. Of how wonderful this family became.
Habang-buhay ko ata iyong pasasalamatan.
Nakatulog na ang mga bata nang magdesisyon kaming mag-night swimming. My husband was on the table with my cousins and Uncles. Si Dad ay lasing na at kanina pa binibida ang son-in-law niya sa mga Tito ko.
"Itong mga son-in-law ko, tanggap ko 'to sa family natin kasi may itsura naman sila." Una pa lang ay nasapo ko na ang noo.
Mommy snorted and shook her head, "your father's extra when drunk," she mumbled, wearing her black two-piece.
"Ayan, ayan, si Alon model 'yan!" turo niya kay Wave na natatawa habang pinapakinggan siya. "At itong si Pareng Sol? H'wag kayo, bantay-salakay 'to."
They laughed. I shook my head and swam with Adi. Nang lingunin ko si Kuya sa gilid ay tahimik siya at malalim ang iniisip. Kumunot ang noo ko.
"Sinabi ko, bantayan si pretty ghourl sa Sta. Monica? Aba't hinarot!" he exclaimed, "pero h'wag kayo, 'yong thesis nitong pesticides noon may kumuhang kompanya sa Australia! Oh, Australyano na si gunggong!"
Sol was laughing hard, "sabi ko nga ba, pare, proud ka sa 'kin, eh."
"Gago ka pa rin, tanga," Dad's face crumpled, "akala mo naka-move on na 'kong 'di ako invited sa kasal n'yo?"
Nag-asaran pang muli sila nang may mapansin akong pamilyar na babaeng papalapit. She's wearing a black shirt and leather pants and boots, sa malayo pa lang ay kitang-kita na ang kulay blonde na buhok.
Our eyes met. Her black eyes shifted at my brother before nodding at me kaya umayos ako ng upo sabay sulyap kay Kuya na tulala.
"Pst, pangit," tawag ko.
"Bakit, pretty ghourl?" Kuya asked when he snapped out from his reverie, "gwapong-gwapo ka na naman sa Kuya mo? Sabi ko sa 'yo mas pogi ako kay Dad—"
I rolled my eyes and glanced at Mommy.
"Mommy, oh, si Kuya umiihi sa pool..." sumbong ko.
"Hoy!" napaayos si Kuya, "hindi kaya—Bullet!" sabay panic niya nang makita ang secretary na nakapaywang sa gilid ng pool.
"Bullet," Mommy smiled, "have you eaten yet? We have foods,"
"I'm okay, Ma'am, thank you." She smiled formally then glanced at my brother. "You, Sandejas, get up. You have urgent files to sign."
Napaahon si Kuya at inabot ang twalya niya, "hindi ako umihi sa pool, promise!"
Bullet frowned at him then shrugged, "may uminit ba, Sib?" she glanced at me.
Kuya eyed me sharply. I innocently nodded.
"Yes, mainit," I answered her.
"Eww," she scratched her nose, "ang tanda-tanda mo na—"
"I'm not!"
Tumalikod si Bullet at naglakad suot ang heels niya, nang madaanan sina Daddy ay bumati.
"Good evening, gentlemen,"
"Good evening," they greeted back.
"Sir Zeij," ani Bullet kay Dad, "let me borrow your son, hindi na naman pumasok. Ako na ata ang bagong boss ng kompanya."
Days passed and with my careful yet intense training, I am having my coming home recital today at the largest stage in the country. They made this recital happen in honor of me, coming back to dancing.
Media coverages are all over the place. Invited din ang mga international judges noon no'ng sumubok akong mag-audition nang maaksidente.
The public found out about my secret wedding and some made ill comments but mas marami iyong masaya para sa akin. I am not really into social media these days kaya binabalita na lang sa akin ng manager at ng mga admins ng fans club ko.
"Oh! Pogi daw ng asawa mo!" halakhak ni Sol habang nakaupo sa tabi ng vanity habang inaayos ni Sandra ang make-up ko. "Huh, 'di nila alam founder 'to ng fans club mo! Fan boy dream come true."
"Anong founder? Ako kaya ang founder! Alagad lang kita!" bumusangot si Liza na kakarating lang. Namilog ang mata ko at napatayo.
"Liza!" I exclaimed.
"Friend!" sigaw niya kaya napatili-tili ako habang niyayakap siya.
Kasama niya si Nash na nanalo muli bilang Mayor sa Sta. Monica. They made sure to take a day off to watch my come back recital and I was so glad they made it here. Even my whole family were here!
My husband's watching me calling my co-ballerina's attention with the kids in front of us. I even saw the kids I met last time and they are thrilled seeing me.
"Attention, everyone!" I called until their attention was on me. "Thank you for your attention." Sabay talikod ko.
They laughed.
I chuckled and faced them, "kidding aside. I'm Sibyl Timothea Sandejas-Alejo, I know most of you knew me already but for the new comers, I used to be a principal ballerina here. However, a tragedy came and I met an accident while dancing. It made me pause from ballet to undergo a surgery and therapies. After the tear I got from the accident, sinabi ng doktor sa akin na baka hindi na raw ako makasayaw at sa totoo lang, muntik na akong sumuko."
I sighed and looked around until I met my husband's black eyes. I smiled.
"But you see, that's how life is. May mga araw na masaya, may mga araw na susuko ka. May araw na pakiramdam mo'y tatalikuran ka ng lahat, miski ng pangarap mo. A ballerina's life is in our feet, on our soles and tiptoes." I touched my knee and smiled, "kaya ingatan n'yo ang paa n'yo, para 'di kayo magaya sa akin. But you see, hindi lang lahat ay pagkakalugmok. When the curtains closed, I thought it was the end for me but I forgot I have people waiting on me backstage. Na ang sumusuporta, hindi lang sa tapat ng entablado, na mayro'n din sa likod... nag-aantay pagkatapos mo."
My eyes stung when I met my father's eyes. Mommy smiled at me, beside her was my siblings.
"Na kahit sumara na ang entablado at napatayan na ako ng ilaw, may mga tao pa ring naniniwala sa kakayahan ko." I sighed and slowly offered my hand to Fritzy, she shyly took it. "This is my daughter, Fritzy Alejo."
"Hi po," she smiled beautifully, "I'm Fritzy po! I always dreamed to become a ballerina since I was a kid, kaso po may epilepsy po ako kaya mahirap. Sabi ng classmates ko dati wala raw po akong future sa ballet pero po si Papa ko atsaka si Mama ko..."
I nodded at Sol at namumula siyang lumapit sa tabi namin.
Liza whistled, "way to go, Admin S!"
I smiled secretly. He placed his palm on my waist. I kissed his jaw.
"Si Mama at Papa ko naniwala po sa aking kaya ko. My Mama Sib taught me how to dance, she's my idol! Palagi ko po pinapanuod ang sayaw ni Mama sa video tapos ginagaya hanggang sa may confidence na ako. I joined a ballet dance group in Australia po."
Amazement filled their eyes, they clapped their hands. Even the kids. Si Teresa ay nakanguso pero tumango at pumalakpak din. Napailing ako at tinaasan siya ng kilay.
She snorted at me.
"This is my family, one of the owners for our foundation." Pakilala ko naman kina Mom na kinamayan nila, they even squealed upon seeing Alyx Sandejas.
"Our ballet will be revolving about Swan Lake," I started, referring to the ballet I once left off during my accident, hoping this time, I'll finish it.
"The story will be revolving around Princess Odette. She was captured by the sorcerer Rothbart and was placed in an evil spell wherein she and her fellow maidens will turn into swan by day and back to their human form at night." I smiled excitedly, imagining the steps we practiced. "The spell could only be broken once Odette finds her true love."
"Like barbie, Ate Sib?" Twinkle asked while wearing her Swan Lake inspired mini dress.
"Yes, my baby," I put my arms on her shoulder and she gasped, watching in awe my co-ballerinas with their tutus.
"Wow, very pwetty dress..." she giggled and touched Fritzy's tutu.
"If I'll be Odette, let me introduce one of our group's most promising dancers," sabay sulyap ko kay Teresa na nagulantang pa sa akin.
"Ako?" she mouthed.
"Ay, hindi, ako." I spat, "s'yempre ikaw."
Naguguluhang lumapit siya at pinakilala ko siya sa mga kasama namin, "this is Teresa and she will be playing as Odile."
She blushed when our co-ballerinas clapped their hands at her. Nilingon niya ako at pinanliitan ng mata. I smirked.
"Truce?"
She frowned then smiled, "truce," she offered her hand. "Pero mas magaling pa rin ako sa 'yo."
"In your dreams," I spat and accepted her hand. Nagkatawanan kami.
After our quick run through for today's events, I knelt in front of Fritzy and fixed her top.
"You comfy, sweetheart?" I asked.
Her black eyes glistened, nodding. "Opo, Mama. Kaso medyo nervous kasi it's..." she blushed. "It's my first time dancing with my idol."
My heart softened. Inabot ko ang pisngi niya at pinatakan siya ng halik sa noo.
"Don't be nervous, Mama is there, dancing with you." I smiled at her, "I believed in you, baby. You could do it. I watched you practice, right?"
She nodded, still looking doubtful but Sol called her attention.
"Anak," he called. Fritzy glanced his way. "Your Mama and I believed in you. You can do it! Ang galing ng mentor mo, Mama at idol mo pa natin in one! Panigurado kayang-kaya ng Fritzy namin 'yan..."
Mas pinaypayan kami ni Sol na p'wede nang maging ulirang ama awardee sa kakasunod sa amin ni Fritzy para hindi pagpawisan.
"You Papa's right, darling," malambing akong ngumiti at humawak sa kanyang kamay. "You will do a great job."
"What if po madapa ako?" she sighed.
"Then, what do we do kapag dadapa?"
Her eyes brightened, "tatayo po at sasayaw ulit."
"Very good," I kissed her forehead and stood.
Kasama ko ang mag-ama ko nang lumapit kina Mommy at Daddy na nakikipag-usap sa backstage sa floor director.
Zire was with Wave. Si Kuya ay buhat-buhat si Twinkle na umiiyak.
"What's with Twinkle?" I asked when Kuya took her out of backstage.
"Nag-iinarte," ani Mommy, "ayaw kasi bilhan ng Kuya mo ng bomba na may pink na usok."
"What?!" I blinked but recovered after. It's not like it's new.
It's my family. Weird is normal.
Nakabalik lang ang dalawa no'ng binilhan ni Kuya si Twinkle ng bubbles na hugis baril ang lagayan. She blew bubbles all over the place and played with Fritzy, unahan sila sa pagputok ng bula.
My husband was beside me, assisting while my father watched me with his tearing eyes.
"Ang pretty ghourl ko, sasayaw na ulit," his voice broke.
"Dad..." I tried stopping myself from crying, afraid my make up would be ruined.
Nang tumulo ang luha niya ay nanghina ako at niyakap siya. Mom joined us.
"My little ballerina," he whispered, "I'm proud of you, princess. Daddy Zeij is so... so proud of you."
Wearing our finest bodies embellished with feathers and laces made solely for this event. Tutu underneath an additional piece of tulle decorated with feathers, rhinestones, sequins with a wing-shaped piece of lace.
As the principal dancer, my bodice I'm wearing are slightly different from the other ballerinas to highlight I am Odette. My bodice was decorated with a hand-sewn, beaded applique.
I stared at myself in the mirror. Sol hugged me from behind.
"You looked like a princess,"
"Your princess," I mumbled and stared at him in the mirror. "Ang asawa ko pagod na pagod na, ah? Saan na ang bulilit?"
"Kausap 'yong mga kasama niya,"
For today's recital, this will be diverse. Not just the professional dancers. We will feature newbies, kids and amateurs, too. Kagaya ng pagsasayaw nito. Magsisimula sa pagyapak, sa pag-ikot, until you learned how to reach your highest tiptoes.
"Thank you, Sol, mahal na mahal kita." I confessed while locking gazes at him in the mirror.
"I love you, too," his black eyes softened, iniikot niya ako't napahagikhik nang iupo niya ako sa dresser.
"What is it now, baby?" I teased and touched his nape.
"Princess Odette needs a true love's kiss to break the spell?" he asked.
I nodded, "true love lang hindi kiss pero p'wede, yeah."
"Is your lipstick kiss proof?" he asked. Tumango ako at sasagot pa lang sana pero hinuli na niya ako ng halik.
I gasped, smiling. I hugged him and kissed him back.
"There, the prince charming broke the spell," aniya nang magtagpo ang mata namin.
"Did he?" I winked, "parang may sumpa pa, eh?" at muling naghalikan. Nahulog na ang ibang powder sa lamesa pero 'di ako tumigil at sabik na sabik sa labi niya.
"Hoy! Hala ka, Rey!" we heard Liza's voice, "'yong swan n'yo dito, nilalamutak na ng impostor na prinsipe!"
I gave Fritzy a smile and she sighed loudly, blew me a kiss then ran to the stage when the orchestra played for their intro.
Maraming tao. Kinakabahan ako pero mas nangingibabaw sa akin ang excitement.
I watched my daughter in amazement dancing flawlessly. She was born for ballet. That talent? I'm a proud mother!
Pumalakpak ako mula sa backstage nang unti-unting pumasok sila sa kabila at nagtagpo ang mata namin si Fritzy.
"Mama..." she mouthed happily and waved at me. I blew her a kiss.
Another bunch of ballerinas got on the stage for the piece, waiting for the floor director's signal for me to enter.
"Welcome back, I guess?" sumulyap ako sa tabi.
"Welcome back to me," I smirked at Teresa. "Paano ba 'yan at may karibal ka na naman?"
"Bitch," natatawang umiling siya, "oh, ikaw na. Lumabas ka na, dali!"
I had a ghost smile on my lips as I got out but replaced it immediately with a facial expression matching to the character I'm playing. Odette was a romantic yet sad maiden, looking for her one true love to break the curse.
The danseur is already in the stage, dancing his heart out while looking for the princess. I got out the same time the orchestra played in quick releve while lifting both of my arms in second position.
It was dramatic, the moment the danseur and my eyes met, a quick rhythm and chemistry sparked for the characters. Prince Siegfried, the princess' prince offered his hand to her.
I accepted it, put my feet flat on the floor while elegantly lowering my knees, rose and twirled. He assisted me, nasa likod ko siya habang sumasayaw at ang mata ko'y natuon kay Sol na hawak-hawak ang camera pero nakatulala sa akin.
I tried my best not to smile and break my character's facial expression but failed. Mabuti na lang ay napatalikod ako at napangiti.
"Welcome back, Miss Sibyl," the danseur greeted.
"Thank you," I smiled, "it's nice to be back."
I let myself get lost to the dance and character. I let Odette took over my body as she wept for her true love's attention.
The movements are serene, mixing with the art of romance, drama and dancing. This is what I love about the dancing, the ability to express yourself through your movements. To make other people feel something without telling a word.
To made someone fall in love, to hurt, to listen.
As I glided my arms, my fingers moved with it. Unti-unti kong ibinaba ang sarili para abutin ng prinsipe at iangat palapit sa kanya. Our soul danced with the characters. He lets me go as I jumped and put my strength with my toes.
I was scared. I was nervous of falling but I overcame it when I met my family's eyes watching me in awe. Pride filled their faces and with it, I gathered my strength.
Umikot ako.
My co-ballerinas danced with me. The swans, once a maiden but like Odette, they were also cursed like the princess.
Slowly yet precisely, I balanced myself, lifted my other leg up, only leaving one foot tiptoeing on the ground.
I bend myself, unti-unti akong sinalo ng kasama at sa pagbenda ng katawan ay ang mabilis na pag-angat sa ere at pagsayaw.
The drama quickly turned into weeping as the black swan, Odile, came with Rothbart and fooled the prince. Odile disguised as Odette and lured the prince into confession for his undying love—which was supposed to be for Odette.
Pumasok si Tessa na itim ang suot at iginiya ang prinsipe. I reached for them but Rothbart pulled me with his power and Odette watched as the two danced on the prince's ball party in search of his future wife.
Odette was pained. Habang pinagmamasdan ang dalawa ay ramdam ko rin ang sakit ng karakter at umikot, pilit kumakawala sa pagkakakulong.
Prince Siegfried confessed his love to someone else posing as her and the spell... the spell will never be broken.
Odette fell on the ground as the black swan lured her true love. She thought it was the end of it until her swans came and rescued the prince. Magic and love filled the air. As Odette and Prince Siegfried's eyes met, he felt it. His true love wasn't the other one.
Naglapit kami ng danseur, tila nangungusap ang matang humawak siya sa kamay ko, pinakawalan ako hanggang sa muli niya akong hinila pasalo.
Odile with Rothbart disappeared and got devoured by their evil magic.
My co-ballerinas, the swans flocked in front of us with the kids to cover us and dance. Fritzy and my eyes met as she made a quick turn and moved with her foot hastily, yet very precise and flawless.
Oh, God. My daughter.
"Anak ko 'yan!" ang eksaheradang sigaw ni Sol ay nangibabaw. Nagpigil ako ng ngisi.
They moved away and let us have the center again. Now, all eyes are on me.
I warmed up by lifting my feet up and down, releve. I paired it with my hands in fourth position before raising my other leg up towards my thigh and changing my arms into the first position and altogether, I did a perfect and simultaneous pirouette.
For starters, it will make someone feel dizzy but when you're used to it, it was such an amazing and powerful feeling. To trust your foot to do the magic. To dance.
I did the routine a couple of times and as the end of the song reached us, I stopped, held the danseur closer as he lifted me up in the air to end the song with the story.
A happy ending.
I was lost with my own character that I only snapped out of it when I heard applause. A loud one.
The danseur lowered me. Nagmulat ako at napatingin sa crowd, nagugulantang sa nakita.
Standing ovation. Oh, God.
"That's my wife and daughter!" Solomon screamed like a fan boy with Liza.
Nahuli ko si Daddy na umiiyak sa upuan niya, umaatungal na habang yakap-yakap si Mommy.
"G-Galing..." he cried, "pretty ghourl ko 'yan..."
"Everyone, let's give a round of applause to one of the most promising ballerinas of our country... Miss Sibyl Sandejas-Alejo!"
Another round of applause, my heart exploded. Naglakad ako paharap, pinuntahan si Fritzy na namumula na ang mata at inilahad ang kamay ko.
"Come here, sweety," I called.
She sniffed as she held my hand. Humawak ako kay Tessa sa tabi ko at sa mga kasama at sabay-sabay ay na nag-bow sa entablado, sa harap ng libo-libong tao.
My eyes swelled, in happiness, in satisfaction. In everything.
Sol walked towards the stage with two bouquets of flowers. Sa likod niya ay nakasunod ang ilang staff para sa bulaklak nina Tessa.
When the father of our home reached us, my tears fell. Binuhat ni Sol si Fritzy at niyakap nila ako.
"S-Sol..." I cried, "I-I did it..."
"You did, angel," his voice broke. "You both did it. I love you two. Proud na proud ako sa mag-ina ko."
He kissed Fritzy's cheek the same time I did and when our eyes met and I saw the bright glint of his eyes behind the spotlight, I felt complete.
He pulled me closer and as he caught my lips for a kiss, I will never wish for anything else but to have this family.
The spotlight disappeared as the curtains closed behind us but it does not mean the show is over. It was just the start of a new play, the next scene and all we could do is wish to make the next one spectacular than the last one.
Ang supporta ay hindi lang nagmumula sa mga tao sa tapat ng entablado, sa mga nakaupo at pumapalakpak. Ang supporta ay makikita mo rin sa likod ng kurtina, sa mga taong nag-aantay sa likod ng entablado.
Na kahit mawala ang ilaw na nakatutok sa 'yo, sila ang magbibigay ng liwanag sa 'yo. Supporta, pagmamahal at lakas ng loob. Hangin kapag 'di ka na makahinga. Kalayaan sa gulo.
Comfort is not just a feeling. It was a person... and in this life, it was my Solomon. My solace escape.
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