Admiration
"The best way to do things is to do things thoughtlessly and thoughtfully at the same time".
--
"So that's it"
I looked at myself in the mirror again. I was wearing a plain T-shirt and a pair of sport shorts. There came my morning running schedule.
It was 5.30 p.m.
I was able to sleep almost 3 hours today.
I didn't know how it's like in other parts of the city, everything was already going to work here. The market right next to my place was so rowdy that it overwhelmed the sound of the public radio, it's one of the busiest markets in the city, filled with witty sellers and buyers alike. The sellers yelled to get bypassers' attention, so maybe they would come to the stall. In the city of ten million people, everyone has to shout from their deepest throat just to get mere recognition.
I ran through the park.
I'd been thinking this for quite some time. What if the world is just a fictional place where people are merely fictional characters in a grand movie? It wasn't that hard to imagine like that. I'd known for awhile that everyone acts the way they desire, regardless of the odds that are turned against them. Decisions aren't forced upon those fish on land. Because even if you think fish can't be on land, there's the walking fish who never fails to show their little walk on land. And when you think you're the man in charge, you realize everything somehow seems to have been planned before you make the call.
I don't understand people struggling between fate and their own free will. Because to me, nothing would have worked out if I hadn't made that exact choice.
Life is a series of choices. The right choices, and the wrong ones, all lead to the one you're about to make right now. People make decisions every moment, and that's how we can lead another path other than the predesigned fates, the path that was paved. Like running, no one really tells me where I run. Sometimes I choose my usual track to run, sometimes I turn around the corner and run to another part of the city. Sometimes I run past the bridge, sometimes I decide to run along the river. There were no premade paths, everything's revolving, growing, and changing every second of the day.
"Natsu sister!!!"
I realized it's my neighbor's kid. Little Chip just turned 6 years old last month. I was surprised that I didn't see Chip's grandmother around her anywhere.
"Chip! Where's grandma? Did you lose her?"
Chip's black hair was tied neatly with a pink bow, she shook her head.
"No no! I did not, Nana sister! Grandma's over there!"
Chip pointed at an old lady who's practicing morning exercises among other old women her age. I felt relieved.
"What are you doing out here? You should get more sleep! It's too early!"
Chip shook her head again. This time I could tell something had clouded her innocent face, something sad.
"Chip, did something happen?"
She immediately smiled at me, her eyes sparkled like the early sunlight first touches the surface.
Despite her age, Chip was a smart kid, she knew how to hide things from adults like me. Kids like her had no choice but to mature a bit earlier than anyone would expect a 6-year-old kid.
She had no choice...
I whispered to myself. And the thought struck me like lightning. Kids don't usually have a choice, right? When you're a kid, you think you have the biggest possibilities to do whatever you wish to. Ironically when you're a full-fledged adult, whose EX stat is high, exactly when you think you are the birds dancing to the utmost free sky melody, you know you don't have many choices.
Either way, life is a game you can't win. Either way, what is freedom? To fly? To do whatever one likes?
I said bye to Chip when I saw there wasn't so much t worry about, and continued running. I took another corner to the Book Revenue. Book Revenue, as the name suggests, sells books. At this early hour of the day, they were still closed. I always thought of reading one book, maybe next time when I pass by, I'd get myself a book.
Ahwooo. Although I was stupid, it's a good try to start reading something.
I came home, finding out that there's no one home. My parents and sister seemed to have gone to work. With all the sweats, I went straight to the shower. It was 7.30 when I finally sat down and enjoy my breakfast. I found out my phone was flooded with notifications, all from the same person. It was Thu-chan, who's my co-worker at the part-time place. She texted me at 6.30, saying she may have a cold because she coughed 3 times already today and how "afraid" she's trying to act if she's not showing up at work today.
"Manager will just slaughter you, Thu-chan! What a nice setting for a manga =))"
I texted her.
Another message came. This time, it's the Momo Art group chat.
Class representative: "Yo! Guys, Sensei is sick today :(("
I was a bit surprised. Sensei rarely called sick. The thought came right to my mind that something seemed off.
"Is it serious, Jo? He rarely calls sick for a long time?" I texted
Ashe "I heard he is going to make a comeback from his hiatus :shock: :cry:"
Bon-bon "No way! :shock: tell me he's not on a flight back to Japan right now!"
Class representative: "He told me he's sick in a joking manner :) Now that it makes sense"
The four of us were working for Genji-sensei. Everyone in the community had known the young, talented Genji - a p*rn mangaka* on a hiatus after a promising manga of his received huge critiques from the community because of the twisted plot. He traveled abroad and finally settled in this city, opened a workshop, which I was lucky to get a spot in. This time, his decision of coming back to Japan would surely cause chaos once again. During the last 4 years, we never once drew a p*rn panels. Instead, he had taken an interest in sports, and we worked with basketball, swimming, volleyball, tennis, and countless other different sports.
*mangaka: manga artist
I honestly said: "Even if he's coming back, I only hope he wouldn't go back to p*rn manga though..."
Ashe: "Tru"
Bon-bon: "Splendid, although his porn is so erotic lol"
Class representative "Else the four of us would be debuted as the porno mangaka :) socially unacceptable :))"
Ashe: "I don't understand why though, Vietnamese people are way more conservative than Japanese and Americans"
Bon-bon: "You sure said like you ain't Vietnamese, Ashe :)"
Ashe: ":pouting face:"
"Stop flirting around :)) It hurts my single face :smirk:" I texted
Class representative: "You just killed my single *ss too, Natsu... :)"
Ashe changed "Class representative" to "Single *ss"
Pffft- Hahahaha.
Ashe: "Since the workshop is going to end, so no one can abuse their power anymore :smirk:"
Bon-bon changed "Loudy-Natsu" to "Single *ss's face".
Bon-bon: "This suits well too!"
Hahaha. I almost choked on the noodles I was eating.
Single *ss: "... it was fun to be bullied, right "my face"?"
"Couldn't have said that better, my *ss" I replied.
Bon-bon: "lol who said you're genius Natsu hahaha"
Ashe: "Better a comedian! Hahaha"
Single *ss's face aka me: "We don't have much time though! Are we still going to Sensei's house today?"
I cycled to Genji-sensei's house because it's quite close, right over the Dragon Bridge in Match District. We decided to meet up to check out if Sensei's okay on his own, being sick wasn't nice at all. Although being on a bike, I found it a bit frustrating just cycling at this most rushing hour of the day. All the motorbikes were buzzing like crazy, trying to move inch after inch, with the never-ending honking melody. The sunlight was glowing beautifully, that alone put a smile on my face. Because despite all that, I enjoyed all this chaos and happily being a part of the busy February District. When I arrived, Joji- the ex-representative had got there first and waiting on the table in the yard.
"Hi, Joji-kun! You look fine!" I said as I jumped down the bike.
"Yo!"
I docked the bike next to the mango tree in the yard. Suddenly the memory of sitting and eating mangoes under the tree together with the group came. Those were good times, were they not? This isn't May anymore, there were no mangos, just the shades of it stretching further in the corner of the yard.
"You look dead Natsu"
"..."
"Have you been sleeping at all? Could it be that you missed me too much to sleep?!"
Joji walked close to me and took the cap off my head, stared right dead in my eyes. His eyes were so pretty! Like a black river, the most mysterious, yet sometimes scary eyes ever. I felt my face being heating up... AAAAA I wanted to dig a hole right here and bury myself!!!
"HEY-HEY-HEY GUYSSS WHAT IS UP?" Suddenly I heard Ashe's voice. And of course...
"Ashe, we're the biggest light bulbs ever existed in human history hahaha!" Bon-bon or should I say her real name, Maki-chan, appeared behind Ashe's motorbike backseat.
I took a step back from Joji, and my natural smile came back when I noticed Maki's hands were clinging onto Ashe's shirt, or so I thought.
"It is surely hot around here" And I fixed my gaze at Maki's hands.
"Oh, you guys finally?" Joji put my cap on his head as he smirked, acting like he's so shocked. Then he looked at me, questioning.
"Natsu, you say, how many years has it been since the four of us knew each other?"
I counted with my fingers and startled.
"Wait, it's been 5 years!"
"Look at you two, Ashe, Maki! What are you? Snails? What's with the speed? Hahaha"
Ashe and Make even went to elementary together... Maki-chan was a smiley high school girl with shortie cutie pie hair. She might not express herself well verbally, her drawing style was very expressive and lively, as if the panels could actually talk. Ashe's my age, but he was enrolled at the University of Arts. Ashe's a simple-minded kind of guy, who's having his first manga to be published at the end of this year. He's truly a young talent.
Hmm, Joji... this guy's just a maniac.
Suddenly, there was a buzzing sound of someone's phone. Everyone started to check their phone, only to find out it's Joji's phone.
"Joji? You have a girlfriend now?" Ashe smirked at Joji. Although he's younger, it wasn't the case for Ashe to ever stop teasing Joji.
Maki and Ashe started talking about a food stall they visited last night. I listened to them but my mind was on Joji. Usually, he would snap right back with an even ridiculous joke, instead, he just stayed silent today. Ashe must feel the same, as they subtly changed the subject. I saw his face turned from fair color to red and then a pale dreadful face. His black eyes stared dead in the space. Was he overcome with... grief? Or rather, shock!?
He looked as if someone just passed away, the funeral bells just rang from the bottom of my heart. The sirens, the sound mourning, crying, and the smell of incense, flowers. The full white coat, and the choirs at the church...
"Did something happen, Joji-san?"
Both Ashe and Maki stared at Joji as well.
He didn't say anything just yet. Instead, he raised his head from the phone and somehow became calmer. I could tell that his facial muscles loosened. With a small pause, he said.
"It's no big deal!" he said with a smile on his face. But up close, I could see that his eyes were cold but surprisingly calm. I wondered if he really looked shocked a moment ago. He put on the cap and took his bag.
"Guys, I have something really urgent right now, I'll let sensei know later! If sensei's here, please help me say a word! I'm counting on your guys!"
The three of us nodded. And it didn't take long before he ran away, and his voice still echoed "THANK YOU" loudly on a Friday morning.
There must have been something go-
"Something must be happening! His face looks dreadful and so pale!" I voiced out loud
Maki nodded worriedly.
"I hope he's going to be okay"
"Personally, I never saw him like that... During the past years, he's always like... that kind of person, who just never gets bored of doing repetitive things, he's always reliable and fun to be around... I felt a bit sad he didn't tell us anything" Ashe said and halted for a second.
"I couldn't bring myself to compare to him"
Maki and I both chuckled.
"Let's leave a message in the group chat, he can tell us if he's okay later" I suggested.
Joji was that kind of person, who earnestly did things, in a methodological way. He cooked his own meals, followed a healthy diet, cleaned everything, arts, studies, working every day, one thing at a time. Everything he did, he did it with full concentration, gave it everything he had, without doubt, without wavering his thoughts twice. He's too nice of a person, to a fault that someone might call him naive. This thought made me smile.
He's a doctor intern at the City Hospital. And why was he here, an infamous manga workshop? His eyes for details and his ability to draw humans were monstrous, especially humans' organs and all the bloody scenes. I didn't know why he started to draw. He's smart, had a bright career, and despite all the studies, he rarely skipped any workshops nor working shifts at Sensei's place. When I first met him, he was just a baby in drawing, with no basic skills nor outstanding talents. However, the fact that he's still here made all the difference.
Maybe that's why I always looked up to Joji.
Finally, Sensei replied to us by mail after half an hour. He said he had a flight back home because of personal reasons, and he'd be back in a week.
I parted ways with Ashe and Maki, locking the Sense's gate.
I walked instead of riding the bike.
I remembered when I barely made it through high school. In high school, there was no art class anymore. I felt like I was chopped off of my brightest potential. I entered different online competitions, already working under Sensei's workshops, and started working different part-time jobs to afford some art lessons. I traveled to Japan, my father's hometown, once, and that alone fired me up. I didn't keep up very well with schools, and barely in touch with anyone from school now. I didn't remember much about those "golden" times.
I recalled my first break-up. My boyfriend dumped me through text in my sophomore year at high school. Maki, Ashe, and Joji had to take me out for barbecues twice to get me back in the mood, and of course, we did go sing karaoke for the second round. The second breakup was more silent, it wasn't that bad since we weren't with each other for a long time. I just went traveling in Bodum Island a month before the graduation exam. I still owed Joji money for that trip.
I blew up my graduation exam even with Joji's intense tutor lessons. I wasn't able to enter the University of Art because low score on English paper. Without a second thought, I asked for a full-time position in the restaurant I always worked part-time and continued working on my drawing.
Now I lived with my mother in a small house, my dad visited us once a year when it's Christmas. He usually celebrated New Years' with his family in Japan. She just went to visit grandma in the countryside for her 2-week work vacation in the spur of the moment. She insisted I should come with her, but since I had work and workshops, so I didn't. Without her, the house was much colder, and no one encouraged me to keep the house as clean as when my mom was around. I befriended instant noodles each meal, and yesterday I forgot to take a showering after work and went straight to bed.
I laughed at my foolish self.
I couldn't stand my half-*ss effort anymore.
Natsu Karishime, 19 years old, Imperial Hotel Cafeteria chef assistant, future mangaka, future writer, future better Natsu.
--
Who cared if I was trying my best? I wanted to try harder. Like Joji.
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