Chapter Twenty One
MIGS
"Migs, honey..." My eyes averted to Hazel as she walked towards me, her hips swaying gracefully with each step. She wore a bright smile on her face like a fine piece of jewelry.
It took me a back for a moment, my mouth gaping as I stood there in stunned silence. Realizing what I was doing, I straightened my back to regain composure. Hazel stopped in front of me and our eyes met each other. She still had on that smile on her face but I noticed how it didn't reach her eyes. Hazel had the most expressive eyes. She had eyes that said it all. There was a cold, dark look in her eyes that made me want to recoil
"Hazel..." My tone begging. At that moment, I didn't know what I wanted but I knew I was begging for something.
"You look handsome tonight as always." She smoothened my necktie and suit before tiptoeing to give me a kiss on the lips.
"Miguel," Her father followed after, holding a glass of champage in one hand. "Good to see you here, hijo."
Hazel hooked her arm around the crook of my elbow just as she always did and stood beside me. She squeezed my arm as though telling me to play along and act like we were happy couple in front of everyone.
"Great to see you too, Tito." I politely bowed my head in acknowledgement.
"You have to practice calling me Dad. You're already engaged to my daughter and soon you'll be my son-in-law." He playfully patted me on the elbow. "How is the whole wedding planning thing going on?"
Hazel turned to face me, tension evident in even the simplest of her movement. "Dad, we didn't hire an organizer for nothing. Busy si Migs sa negosyo nila."
"The organizer shouldn't be expected to make the decision for everything. Kailangan kayong dalawa ang magplano kung saan gaganapin ang kasal, kung ano'ng theme, at kung sinu-sino ang iimbitahan niyo. It would be a good strategy to invite high-ranking officials to your wedding. We have to have good connections with the government. Mas mabuti kung kukunin niyo din silang ninong at ninang sa kasal." Tito Guillermo suggested.
"Of course, we'll take care of the areas that require our decisions. Sa ngayon, hayaan na muna natin ang organizers ang mag-asikaso ng lahat." Hazel answered.
"Very well. But I'm telling you now, you have a long list of guests we need to invite. They're all important people and you can't invite them on short notice. Mas mabuti kung maaga pa lang ay magpamigay na kayo ng invitations." He lifted his glass up to his lips and took a small sip.
"Yes, Dad." Hazel said in a small voice.
I would've wanted a small, intimate wedding with only our closest family and friends. Hazel and I had never really talked about who we'd invite but I would've preferred it that way. Tito Guillermo started talking about his next project when a friend came up to him. He excused himself to talk with his friend, much to our relief.
Hazel let out a deep, tired huff when we were finally left alone. Her hold loosened around my arm and her shoulders slumped down.
"Hazel, let's talk..." My voice came out in a croak. "I've... I've been trying to reach out to you. You've had me banned from your office and condominium, you don't answer my calls and messages."
"What else is there to say?" There was a tone of resignation in her voice that made my heart sink.
She grabbed a glass of champage from a passing server and headed towards the balcony. Sinundan ko siya at tahimik kaming tumayo doon. She was looking pensively up the dark sky as she leaned against the railing. I didn't know what to tell her or what I should do. I feel so broken and unworthy just standing next to her right now.
"If a tree falls and no one's around to hear it, does it really make a sound?" She chuckled, breaking the silence between us. "Does it? Think about it"
I turned my head, slightly confused to where this conversation would head. "I..."
"It doesn't. It only becomes a sound when it goes in your ear. If no one sees you in pain, are you really in pain?"
My eyes lowered to the ground. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Hazel."
"At a very young age, I was taught to hide my emotions and show only my strength. And so I cry behind closed doors in the dark and without any sound. When I'm ready, I open the door and get back out of there, pretending whatever hurt me didn't really happen. I was taught never to ask for help."
"Hazel, I never meant to hurt you. I'm sorry. I fucked up, I'm sorry." Tears began to sting my eyes.
"Migs, feeling bad about what you've done won't make it right. What has happened has already happened." She shrugged and lifted her glass to her lips. "Maybe I loved you in the way I knew how. Which was never enough. All my life I've been starved of affection. I get love that's not enough and so I give love that's not enough. Makes perfect sense, doesn't it? It's a horrible feeling to see your own fault and understand it..."
"No, no... it's my fault, Hazel. This has nothing to do with you. Gago ako! I'm the one who messed up. But I love you, Hazel. I love you..." I swallowed the lump forming in my throat.
"Love is not an easy fix to everything. It's not enough. No matter how much you love me or how much I love you, we both know deep inside that it won't be the same again. Huwag na natin pahirapan ang sarili natin. Huwag na natin unti-untiin. We're busy people. If we're going to hurt each other, it's better to do it all at once. It'll save us more time. I'm only going to ask one thing from you, Migs. This is the least you can do for messing everything up. Magkunwari kang okay pa rin sa atin ang lahat. I don't want Dad or anyone to know that we're calling off the wedding. As much as I hate to admit it, I need you. Kailangan kita para sa business project ni Dad. The investors know we are merging with another big company kaya lalong lumaki ang tiwala nilang mag-invest para sa project na ito. We just need to pull this through and I need to buy time to tell Dad that there isn't going to be a wedding." She said in an indifferent tone.
"Hazel..."
"We're a joke, Migs. We're two polished balls of dirt." She chuckled quietly, shiftingher body to face me and tiptoed to give me a kiss on the cheek. "I'll see you when I see you... Hon."
"Saskia..." I called out while knocking on their door. A few drinks at the club after leaving the ball and I found myself driving to Saskia's house. She was the only one I could run to. She was the only one who understood me and ended up knowing me best. She knew everything about me. My guilty secrets, my shames and sorrow. She made me feel less lonely. It was the kind of thing I'd been searching for all my life.
The door opened. Startled, I took a step back when I saw her Ninang with a face mask on and hair rolled up in colorful rollers.
"O Pogi, ba't nandito ka? Gabing-gabi na." He leaned against the door frame.
"Good evening, nandyan po si Saskia?" I asked.
"Aba! Malamang. Dito siya nakatira. Bakit?" He cocked his plucked brow at me.
"I- i just want to talk to her." I quietly said.
His brows furrowed. "Talk ba talaga? Baka naman gusto mo lang kumantalk."
"Ninang!" Before I could even react, Saskia came running down the stairs with a horrified look on her face. "Ano ka ba, Ninang? Ikaw talaga!"
"Lakas din ng radar mo, eh no?" He frowned at Saskia as she stood beside him.
"Nakaayos ka pa ah. So, what's a handsome guy like you?" She smiled, looking at me from head to toe.
"Ano? Sige push mo yan, Saskia. Huwag mo kong ipahiya. What's a handsome guy like you ano? Tapusin mo yan." Her Ninang cheered.
"Yun na nga yun, Ninang." She rolled her eyes before turning her gaze to me. "Ano'ng ginagawa mo dito, Migs? Hindi mo man lang sinabi na pupunta ka. Nakaporma ka pa. Where did you been?"
"I was at the Tatler Ball. I thought I'd stop by before heading home. Dito din naman ang daan ko." I answered.
"Halika, Migs, pasok ka." She ignored her Ninang and opened the door wider for me.
"Yan! Papasok ka kasi ng papasok, kaya nabubuntis ka." He chided.
"Si Ninang naman." She whined. "Matulog ka na. Bahala ka baka pumangit ka kapag nagkulang yang beautiful rest mo."
"Bahala ka na d'yan. Pag umalis si Migs, kung aalis man ngayon gabi, siguraduhin mong naka-lock yung pinto." He reminded before walking out and leaving us by ourselves.
"Halika, upo ka dito. Pagpasensyahan mo na ang Ninag ko. Para yan si Cinderella, pero siya pag lumagpas sa oras nagiging halimaw." She laughed deliciously.
"Narinig ko yun!" Jodie shouted from the other room.
Saskia rolled her eyes, smiling and shaking her head.
"Ano nga pa lang pinunta mo dito?" Tanong niya.
I shrugged, not knowing exactly why I was here. I just wanted to see her. Her presence was a great comfort during my turmoil. I didn't know what it was about her that made me feel safe. She makes me feel things I couldn't describe.
"Hindi ko alam." I answered. "I guess I just need someone to sit down with. Okay lang ba kung dito muna ako?"
"Oo naman. Walang problema." She looked at me and our eyes grazed each other. It felt as though she was looking into my soul and knew what was inside me. She knew and understood. "Si Hazel ba?"
"I don't want to talk about it..." I sighed tiredly, my weight slumping down the couch. "I just want to sit with you."
"Huwag kang mag-alala, Migs. Kung anuman yang dinadala mo, maaayos din yan. Sabi nga, di ba? Every cloud has a silver lightening."
A smile broke across my lips. She was amusing and a perfect distraction from everything I didn't want to think of. I didn't have to have it all together with her. I didn't need to be in control. I could simply just be me. I hate myself most of the time but with her, I don't.
I lowered my head to her belly, wrapping my arms around her waist. "Hi baby, have you been good today? Hindi mo ba pinasakit ang ulo ng Mommy mo?"
"Hindi. Mabait si baby ngayon. Kung anu-ano nga lang ang hinahanap.. Kanina alam mo ba, nagpunta pa kami ni Ninang doon sa dating lugar namin sa Tondo. Gustong-gusto ko kasi nang karioka ni Aling Nelia." She chuckled.
"Ano yung karioka?" I asked curiously.
"Yung bilog na matamis. Sayang naubos ko na eh, dapat pala nagtira ako para sa'yo."
"That's alright." I smiled.
"Sabi ni Mammy baka babae daw si baby kasi blooming daw ako, ganon daw siya noong pinagbubuntis niya si Yuka at ako. Noong pinagbuntis niya kasi si Cosme, ang pangit pangit daw niya." She let out a carefree laugh. "Sabi ko naman nararamdaman kong lalaki ito. Syempre, ako nanay eh. Who you think is right? Me or Mammy? The final is me."
"It doesn't matter to me if our baby is a boy or a girl. Gusto ko lang malusog siya." I said, stroking her belly. "Nasaan na nga pala si Yuka at Cosme? The house seems so quiet tonight."
"They're inside Mammy." Saskia answered.
My brows shot up. "What?"
"Nasa kwarto ni Mammy sila natulog. Hindi pa din kasi sanay ang mga yun magkanya-kanya. Maaga natulog ang dalawa. Excited na excited silang pumasok sa bago nilang school bukas." I could see the happiness in her eyes as she was talking. I could feel the pure love she had for her family with each word she spoke. "Salamat, Migs ah. Kung hindi dahil sa'yo, hindi kami makakaginhawa nang ganito sa buhay."
I lifted my head back up to look at her. "You don't need to thank me. This is the least I could do for you and your family."
"Pero kung hindi din dahil sa akin at kay baby hindi masisira ang buhay mo." Her tone took a somber tone.
"Ako ang nagkamali dito. Ako ang ikakasal na dapat. Walang dapat sisihin dito kung hindi ako lang. I'm a fuck up, Saskia, and I have no one to blame but myself. Lahat ng taong nagmamahal sa akin, sinasaktan ko. I ruined my mother, ako ang dahilan kung bakit nasira ang pamilya namin noon, I ruined Hazel. I keep hurting people. It's like everything I touch falls to pieces. My cancer may have been cured but what if I'm cancer itself?" I frustratedly brushed my fingers through my hair.
"Migs, huwag mong sabihin yan..." She shook her head.
"People seem to think I have it all together but I don't, Saskia. No matter what I do, no matter what I have, no matter how many achievements and accolades I stack up for myself, I still feel empty. Habang pinipilit kong buuin ang pagkatao ko, unti-unti kong sinisira ang sarili ko. I've been trying to live up to everyone's expectations of me my whole life- including my own. I keep holding myself to a standard that ruins me and I don't know how to stop. If I do stop, what else would I do? Who would I be?" My voice quivered.
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